REDUCING STUDENT CRUELTY AND
ENHANCING CONNECTEDNESS, CARING,
AND POSITIVE RELATIONSHIPS
PRESENTATION BY: MARCIA MCEVOY, PH.D.
LICENSED PSYCHOLOGIST
Let’s stop calling everything
“bullying.” Harm is not just done
by ”bullies.” Everyone has done
something mean at some point.
Let’s help kids stop instead.
Let’s differentiate between
1)annoying/bothering
behaviors 2) normal peer
conflict 3) mean/aggressive
behaviors.
These three behaviors require
different types of responses.
For bothering/bugging/annoying behaviors:
calm-neutral face, firm but matter-of-fact
voice, good eye contact:
That’s bothering me. Please stop.
(Say “thank you” or count to 5)
That’s bothering me. Please stop.
(Say “thank you” or count to 5)
Stop or I’ll report it.
(Say “thank you” or report it.)
There is a difference between
normal peer conflict (defined as a
disagreement, social problem, or
misunderstanding)
and
mean behavior/peer mistreatment
When should adults intervene?
How do you help students
resolve normal peer conflict
before it escalates to mean and
aggressive behavior?
PEACE WHEEL
7. Try It Out
6. Pick A
Positive
Solution
Together
1. Name The
Problem
2. Name Your
Feelings
3. Say What You
Want or Need
5. Talk Over
From The Other
Each Idea
Person
4. Brainstorm
Solutions
SOLUTION WHEEL
Take Turns Or
Flip A Coin
Share
Forget About
It
Avoid Or
Postpone
Get Adult
Help
Apologize
Use Humor
Bargain Or
Compromise
Intervene early and often with
mean behavior
Zero indifference to cruelty
MEAN BEHAVIOR (PEER
MISTREATMENT) IS ANY LOOK,
GESTURE, WORD, OR ACTION
THAT HURTS A PERSON’S BODY,
FEELINGS, FRIENDSHIPS,
REPUTATION, OR PROPERTY.
Mean Behaviors are...
Mean Looks
Mean Gestures
Mean Words
Mean Actions
That hurt my…
Body
Feelings
Friendships
Property
Nice Behaviors are...
Kind Looks
Kind Gestures
Kind Words
Kind Actions
That are good for my…
Body
Feelings
Friendships
Property
“Goofing around” or “playing” that may
include pushing, shoving, grabbing,
jumping on, play fighting, mean or rude
gestures, name calling, or rude remarks
in which there appears to be no
intention to hurt, but it is possible that
body or feelings will be hurt.
DON’T ALLOW DISRESPECT, CONTEMPT,
OR VERBAL CRUELTY CAMOUFLAGED AS
“HORSEPLAY”:
1) “No offense but, …”
2) “Just kidding!”
3) “I don’t mean to hurt your
feelings or anything but, …”
4) “Just sayin. Just being
honest.”
15 SECOND INTERVENTION
Pull child aside privately. Use a calm voice.
Don’t argue. Stick to the points below.
 I saw you ________. (Repeat to them what you saw and




heard exactly.)
That was mean.
I would never let someone do that to you, and it’s not okay
that you did that to ______ (other child).
We don’t do that (at my house, in my van, in my yard, etc.).
That needs to stop.
IF IT SEEMS APPROPRIATE:
 You need to figure out a way to make this right. Any ideas?
Never force an
apology. Genuine
apologies follow a 4
step process.
1. Describe what you did.
--I told someone your secret.
--I did not include you in the activity.
--I talked about you behind your back.
2. Describe how you hurt him or her.
--I embarrassed you when I told your private business.
--I made you feel sad and left out.
-- I hurt your feelings and broke your trust.
3. Tell them what you wish you had done and
what you will do next time to make it right.
--I wish I had kept my lip zipped. Next time I will keep your
private information to myself.
--I wish I hadn’t left you out. Next time I will include you.
--I wish I hadn’t said anything behind your back. Next time I’ll
talk to you directly if I am upset.
4. Apologize sincerely.
I’m REALLY sorry and won’t do it
again. (Wait. Stay quiet. Count to 10. Press lips together.)
•
Increase adult supervision in high-risk
areas so there is a high likelihood of
getting caught.
•
Shift the cost-benefit ratio by having
consistent consequences that start small
and gradually escalate – a consequence
rubric for mean behavior.
ADVANTAGES OF A
RUBRIC
AND
RUBRIC VIDEO
Child Rearing That Creates Children
Who Engage In Mean Behavior
1.
Too little love, and too much freedom
2.
Too much indulgence (defined as treating
them like they are more special than anyone
else, only deserve the best, should always be
first, are more important, etc.) and too much
freedom
By Sheri Moskowitz Noga
PARENTS SHOULD PAY
ATTENTION TO THEIR OWN
BEHAVIORS
BE A GOOD ROLE MODEL!
Adult intervention
3 choices – role play
HOW DO YOU KNOW IF YOUR
CHILD IS ENGAGING IN MEAN BEHAVIOR?
- How do they treat siblings?
- How do they treat their friends?
- Are school staff concerned?
- How do the neighbors feel
about your child?
WHAT CAN PARENTS DO
TO MODIFY AGGRESSION?
- Set firm limits on sibling aggression.
- Limit exposure to violent media.
- Provide service learning opportunities.
- Create daily opportunities for kindness.
- Ask every night before bed: “What’s one
kind thing you did for _______ today?”
- Be a good role model – pay attention to
your aggressive behavior.
What if the behavior directed
at your child is normal peer
conflict that has escalated
into mean behavior, but it
doesn’t happen in front
of you?
Coach your child to respond.
The response will differ
depending on whether the
person being mean is 1) a
close friend, or 2) a kid that
doesn’t like your child and is
not friends with your child.
1. I didn’t like it when you ….
2. I wouldn’t do that to you. Please
don’t do that to me.
3. Friends shouldn’t treat each other
that way.
4. Can you think about it?
TWO WRONG WAYS TO
RESPOND TO REPEATED MEAN
BEHAVIOR FROM A FRIEND.
The first two are mistakes!
1. Put up and shut up.
2. Abruptly and completely end
the relationship.
Instead, bump your friend out a ring. If they are in
your best friend ring, bump them to your friend ring
(in your head – don’t tell them). If they are in your
friend ring, bump them to your classmate ring. The
classmate ring means you treat them politely and
respectfully. You share materials, say hello, laugh at
their jokes. You just don’t go out of your way to
socialize, text, call, hang out, etc. You create some
psychological space without creating an “enemy.”
NO JOKE ZONE
“That’s an NJZ.”
-Hair
-Height
-Weight
-Complexion (freckles, zits)
Clothes
If you enter an NJZ, sincerely apologize
and change the subject!
HOW CAN YOU HELP?
 Arrange play dates and social activities with nice kids in







the class or grade. Be a social engineer.
Help your child rely on hobbies.
Get your child involved in activities outside of school
where he or she can meet new kids.
Have fun together. Create a life outside your child’s
sphere of troubles. Teach ways to self-soothe.
Listen actively. Be empathic. Don’t over react or under
react. When your child is ready, help him or her to
problem solve (e.g., What have you tried? What else
could you try? What might happen if you did that?
What is your best choice? What can I do to help you?).
Strongly discourage retaliation.
Let them it’s not their fault. Reframe. Give hope
Encourage reporting.
TARGET HARDENING
BUILDING RESILIENCY BY
HELPING KIDS RESPOND
ASSERTIVELY AND
CONFIDENTLY TO EVERYDAY
SLIGHTS, RUDE BEHAVIOR,
MEAN TEASING, HURTFUL
INTERACTIONS, ETC.
Target Hardening
 If someone is hurting you
physically, walk away calmly
with chin straight ahead,
shoulders down, swing arms,
don’t look back, and get
adult help immediately.
 Use humorous, neutral or assertive comeback.
 If what they say is true, smile and agree.
 Kill them with kindness.
 Use an assertive response with good posture, relaxed
body language, calm face and lots of eye contact.
 Report it to an adult quietly and privately.
 Thanks for sharing!
 Sweet!
 Thanks! I appreciate
 (playfully with smile) Oh
that!
 Hey! I didn’t know you
cared!
 I’ll take that as a
compliment!
my gosh! No one cares.
 (Smile) Dude, you been
drinking the haterade or
what?
 Wow! Interesting!
 Well, that was awkward!  (Fake Laugh) NO.
 Well, that was special.
 (playfully) Excellent
insult! Well done!
 I’m sorry you feel that way.
 That’s your opinion.
 You’re welcome to your
opinion.
 We’ll have to disagree on that.
 That’s your thought.
 It’s good to know how you see
it.
 You think what you think and
I’ll think what I think.
 Nice try.
 Not even close.
 Yeah, right.
Whatever.
 Keep dreaming.
 Denied.
 I don’t think so.
 Fail.
 Your point is …?
 You’re telling me
 You seriously need
to chill.
 That’s getting old.
you?
 Dude, no.
 That’s weak. Give it  Cool! NOT!!
up.
 That makes you look
bad and it’s boring.
 Do you think it’s
cool to be mean?
 Must feel proud
now, huh?
this because …?
 I don’t dress for you,
 That would be a
so don’t worry about
it.
negative.
 What did that do for
 I guess being rude
gets you through
 I would care why?
the day. That’s just
sad.
 That says more
about you than me.
 Why would you say

something like that
to me? I would
never say
something like that
to you.

 Whatever floats
your boat.
If I wanted your
opinion, I would
have asked you for
it.
Is that it? Because I
have to go.
 Were you up all
night thinking of
that one?
 That’s unnecessary.
●That was mean and you’re better
than that.
●Why would someone so nice say
something so mean?
●That surprises me. I didn’t expect
that from you.
● Don’t be hating. That’s not you.
● Sorry you hate my clothes. I think you look good today.
● Sorry you think I’m stupid. I think you’re pretty smart.
● Sorry you feel that way. I’ve always thought that you were
awesome.
 Thanks for noticing!
 What a surprise!
 What? You just noticed
 Thank you Captain
that now?
Obvious.
 No kidding! What gave it  Now there’s a shocker!
away?
 Now there’s a newsflash!
 Nothing gets past you!
 I’ll alert the media.
 Big deal. What else is
new?
 Yup, you’re right. Your
point is …..? You’re
telling me this because
…?
● That’s getting old and it’s boring. Chill out.
● That’s totally not cool and it makes you look bad.
●If you stop we’re cool, but if you don’t, I ’ll be reporting it.
● You seriously need to chill. If you don’t, I’m reporting it.
● That says more about you than me. It’s lame.
● That’s unnecessary. What did that do for you? Chillax.
● Knock it off or I’ll be forced to report it.
● That’s weak. Give it up.
●Stop or I’ll report it.
● That’s messed up. Quit the hating.
●Lay off. If you do it again, I’m reporting it.
Tell: Who did it, what happened,
where it happened, when did
it get started (how long ago?),
witnesses.
Don’t tell any other students that
you reported, not even your
best friend. Tell your
parents.
Go back to an adult if it doesn’t stop.
POSITIVE BYSTANDER ACTIONS
 Use a shut down if it’s safe – strength in numbers
 Support the target later in a private, quiet manner
(face-to-face, or text)
 Make an excuse to get the target away
 Be friendly and inclusive to targets (smile at, walk
with, chat, invite to join, joke around with, etc.)
 Privately tell a mean friend to stop in a calm and
respectful way
 For gossip/rumors – disagree politely, change the
subject, use humor to distract, use the “awkward
silence,” use a shut down, keep your lip zipped and
don’t pass it along
 Go with a target to report it, or report it yourself
 Knock it off
 That’s not cool
 That’s unnecessary
 Cut it out
 Give it up
 Calm down
 Ease up
 Step off
 Nobody likes that
 Quit it
 Back off
 That’s just wrong
 Just stop
 Chill out
 That’s boring
 Chillax
 Seriously?
 What did that do
 That’s mean
 That’s weak
 That’s rude
 That’s messed up

 Lay off
 That’s annoying

 What’s up with
 That makes you
that?
 That’s cold
 Relax
look bad
 End it
 That’s getting old



for you?
That’s low
Why are you
ragging on
him/her?
Enough
Seriously? Wow!
That’s harsh
PARENTS NEED TO REINFORCE
GOOD BYSTANDER BEHAVIORS
 Accountability – if your child was present during a
mean behavior episode, parents need to ask:
“What did you do to help?”
“If you did nothing, why not?”
“What could you have done?”
“What will you do next time?”
“What do we expect you to do?”
Bullying
is a form of aggression that is
repeated, intentional, and
involves an imbalance of power
between the people involved.
Bullying can take the form of a
look, gesture, word, or action.
If it is bullying, parents need to
encourage their child to report
it. If the child won’t report it,
the parents need to report it.