NONPROFIT
ORGANIZATION
U.S. POSTAGE PAID
NORFOLK VA
PERMIT NO 365
Vol. 11 Issue 9
September 2012
Meetings:
The Tidewater Chapter of
the Compassionate Friends
meets the 3rd Tuesday at
7:00 pm each month, except
December, at the Kempsville
Presbyterian Church at 805
Kempsville Road, Virginia
Beach, VA
Next Meetings are:
Tues, Sep 18, 2012, 7 pm
Tues, Oct 16, 2012, 7 pm
Tues, Nov 20, 2012
The mission of The Compassionate
Friends is to assist families
toward the positive resolution of
grief following the death of a
child of any age and to provide
information to help others be
supportive.
www.tcftidewater.org
Chapter Phone: 757-484-8161
Chapter E-mail: billandmoe@msn.com
Reflections from The
Compassionate Friends
Memorial – Dec. 3, 2011
(Guest Speaker, Patricia Seal)
Love has brought all of us
here today, love for our
children, our grandchildren, a
brother or a sister….love has
brought us here to honor and
Newsletter Editor:
celebrate that they live on in
Maureen Harman (757) 484-8161
our hearts.
Treasurer:
In the month of December,
Audrey Viands
throughout the United States and
Contents
in over 30 countries around the
world, Memorial Candle Light
Reflections from
Services will be held by members
the TCF Memorial
ofMemorial
The Compassionate
Friends.
TCF Candle Light
Service Dec. 2011
Service Dec 3,
My Angel
1 Day I’d like to thank Bill and
2011
Harman for their
Birthdays
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Dwelling
on OurMaureen
Loss
dedication
to continue to make
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Anniversaries
Birthdays
this possible for us today and
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Anniversaries
Tidewater
for their encouragement and the
News
Chapter News - Suffolk Chapterhelp
they have provided me over
Candle Light
Love Gifts
the past year. I’d also like to
Service
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Contacts
thank Jane and Dave Daulton,
Suffolk Chapter
News – Angels
because without them, the
Across the USA
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Tidewater Chapter would not have
Love Gifts
11
been here when I needed them so
Contacts
11
many years ago.
Chapter Leaders:
Maureen & Bill Harman
(757) 484-8161
Chapter Mailing Address:
Maureen and William Harman
3304 Bruin Drive
Chesapeake, VA 23321
Please mark your calendar
for our Candle Light Service
Saturday, December 1, 2012
Kempsville Presbyterian Church
2:00 P.M.
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Vol 11, Issue 9
Page
The Compassionate Friends began in England over
four decades ago as two sets of parents sat down
together to have a cup of tea after losing their
young sons within hours of each other in the same
hospital. This was the beginning of shared
compassion. They understood each other’s pain. They
cried together, encouraged each other and
talked…,talked about their children who had died.
It’s important to remember who they were and not just
what happened to them. I’d like to share briefly,
who my son was.
My son, Michael, was an average student. One of
his teachers once said to me “don’t worry about him
because he isn’t an “A” student. With his many
interest and talents he will be just fine”. Our
assignment from the teacher was to check out a book
on Thomas Edison for both of us to read. I knew then
that he would take us on an adventure. Michael
wasn’t perfect but he was a good boy who was amazed
by the perfection of a new born baby and especially
kind in deed, as well as generous with his time to
the elderly. He was on the swim team, big into
scouting, and an artist. He sketched and painted
with ease, never boasting, saying “this is just what
I do”. His passion was being on the water and he
loved fishing. He made his own fresh water flies and
could strike up a conversation with complete
strangers about any one of his many interests. Ten
days before he died, he was in Hatteras for the Blue
Fish Tournament. He caught a 14 and 16 pound blue
fish, brought them home and put them in the freezer
and left a note…”Do Not Eat”. He called around to a
few taxidermists, but it was just too expensive to
have them mounted. So, he checked a book out of the
library on mounting fish and started practicing on a
couple of croaker. He never let anything stand in
his way. Where there was a will, there was always a
way to make it happen. Michael was easy going,
enjoyed nature and life and smiled all the time. The
day before he died he cut down an oak tree on our
wooded lot, started removing the bark and measuring
off the length he needed. He was going to build a
boat. Michael never had the opportunity to mount
those two blue fish, but they are hanging on my wall
today. These are the memories of my son.
Today
when I remember him I smile, sometimes with a tear,
but having him for just 15 years was better than
Vol 11, Issue 9
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Page 11
Love Gifts
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A love gift is a living memorial to our child, usually given on
anniversaries, birthdays, and holidays. Since there is no charge
for newsletters, meetings, etc., we depend solely on donations,
which are tax deductible.
“Love gifts” should be made payable to “Compassionate Friends”
and sent to: Compassionate Friends, c/o Audrey Viands, 3700
Northwood Court, Virginia Beach, VA
23452
We thank you for the following love gifts received since our
last newsletter:
Betty Lou and Norman Everett, in loving memory for their son,
Brian Everett. “Remembering you always. Lots of love, Mom,
Dad, and Lauren”.
Lillian Miller, “in loving memory of my beloved and precious son, Steven
Henry Cutler”
Sandy Pipkin, in loving memory of her son, Steven Hogan. "For
your big feet".
Contacts
The National Office of TCF:
The Compassionate Friends, National Office
P.O. Box 3696, Oak Brook, IL
60522
Toll free no: (877) 969-0010
Regional Coordinator:
Kathy Collins(703) 425-9504
Would you like someone to talk to? A caring friend with a listening
heart? These members have offered to help:
Bill & Maureen Harman (757) 484-8161 (Chapter Leaders)
Patty Quirk – (757) 321-0991
Robin Brinn – (757) 287-7700
Norm & Betty Lou Everett – (757) 961-9076
Visit our chapter website
at www.tcftidewater.org
Page 10
Vol 11, Issue 9
Vol 11, Issue 9
Page 3
(cont)
On October 11th, instead of their normal meeting, the
Suffolk Chapter of The Compassionate Friends will be hosting
Alan Pederson of Angels Across the USA as part of his
Eastern United States Tour. Alan is a nationally recognized
inspirational speaker on grief and loss, an award winning
songwriter and successful recording artist.
On August 15, 2001 Alan’s life was changed forever.
Ashley Marie Pedersen, his oldest child and only daughter,
died as a result of an automobile accident.
Alan has turned his journey through the valley of grief
and the pain of loss into a collection of powerful and
moving songs recorded onto 4 highly acclaimed CD’s.
His music has been played at Ground Zero in NYC, the
memorial at VT University, the memorial at Columbine High
School and is featured on many memorial and tribute
websites.
Alan has written many articles on grief featured in
national magazines, newsletters and other publications. He
has been a keynote speaker and workshop presenter at many
prestigious conferences and has been a recurring guest on
Healing the Grieving Heart on the Health and Wellness Radio
Network.
Please plan to join Alan, his music and healing message
as we journey together. Bring family members or friends who
have lost someone they love. Everyone will be touched,
encouraged and find hope with his beautiful music and
inspirational message. There is no charge and all are
welcome. If you choose, sponsorships may be made in the
name of your child to help sponsor his tour.
Angelsacrosstheusa.com
October 11, 2012
7:00 – 9:00 p.m.
Ebenezer United Methodist Church
Family Life Center
1589 Steeple Drive
Suffolk, VA 23433
never having him in my life at all. I’m grateful
to have been his mother and the memories give me
great joy. The love for our children cannot be
altered by time and the memories are ours to keep
forever.
That Sunday before Thanksgiving, 1988 started
out as a beautiful sunny November day, I never
dreamed that it would end so tragically. Michael
and his 16 year old friend, Jim, had been caught
in a sudden and violent wind storm as they
retrieved their rock fish net from the Nansemond
River. Now the nightmare began. Jim was found
the next morning and Michael was found seven weeks
later.
How do we survive after losing a big piece of
our heart? Who do we talk to? No one
understands. “Outsiders” expect us to get back to
normal. What is normal anymore? No one could
answer these questions for me. Then, Jim’s
mother, Kay, and I heard about The Compassionate
Friends, and approximately five months after
losing our sons we went to our first meeting of
the Tidewater Chapter. All of the feelings and
emotions we had were being verbalized by others in
the group. The circumstances may have been
different and the ages of our children ranged from
very young to adult, but our grief journey was the
same. Who better to understand than those who
have walked in your shoes?
It has been 23 years for me now and I am a
survivor because of The Compassionate Friends.
Walking into that meeting for the first time with
complete strangers and revealing your deepest
emotions is not an easy task. Yet, soon you
realize that everyone else there is or has been
exactly where you are on this emotional roller
coaster. We do not need to travel this path
alone. Walking this journey with other bereaved
parents helps us grow stronger. There is no right
or wrong way to grieve and there is no manual
written with steps to follow for the bereaved
parent.
But, if you have read any articles or
books written by a grieving parent, you’ll find
that they’re all saying the same thing. The words
or phrases may be written differently, but the
emotional feelings, heartache and pain is the same. We
are all looking for “hope”. “Hope” that this intense
pain will get better and life will have meaning
again.
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Vol. 11, Issue 9
Page 6
We miss you terribly …We celebrate the birth of
these, our children in September
*Chris J. Voigtsberger-Sept. 1-son of Lillian & Richard Voigtsberger
*Jody Wayne Schenk-Sept. 1-son of Henry & Betty Schenk
*John Ross Cannon-Sept. 1-son of Larry & Tammy Cannon
*H. James Klossen III-Sept. 2-son of Sharon Trenkle
*Sherri Smith-Sept. 2-daughter of Betty Ross
*Benjamin Lewis White, Jr.-Sept. 3-son of Benjamin White
*Adam Haylock-Sept. 3-son of Deidre Love
*Jason Wise-Sept. 5-son of Joe & Lou Ann Wise
*Cole Brotherton-Sept. 8-son of Kellee & Pete Brotherton
*Steven Vance-Sept. 8-son of Cliff & Kim Fox
*James Allen Wilson-Sept. 9-son of Madelaine & John Wilson
*S. Drew Witcher-Sept. 9-son of Jim & Marsha Witcher
*Carol Anne Anderson-Sept. 10-daughter of Julia Wolf
*Valeri Dawn Amos-Sept. 10-daughter of Ruth & Mike Meine
*Danielle Howerton-Sept. 10-daughter of Vanessa & Tim Howerton
*Kevin Schall-Sept. 11-son of Linda & Tommy Ridings
*David K. Sumrell II-Sept. 11-son of David Sumrell
*Andrew Thomas Blair-Sept. 13-son of Ed and Tricia Blair
*Gabriel Boyer-Sept. 14-son of Tricia & Patrick Palmer
*Jason Fletcher-Sept. 14-son of Margaret Fletcher
*Amy E. Sill-Sept. 14-daughter of Pat Sill
*Jake Schoonover-Sept. 15-son of Lisa Schoonover
*Bryton Greene-Sept. 18-son of Dawn Greene and Jesse Gazur
*Michael Raymond Vincent-Sept. 18-son of Norma Radcliff
*Jonathan Wesley Leavens-Sept. 18-son of Cheryl Kuy Kendall
*Sienna Kelli Weatherford-Sept. 19-daughter of Mark and Sharon Weatherford
*JJ Wade-Sept. 22-son of Diane Craddock
*Jennifer Lynn Jewell-Sept. 23-daughter of Sam & Joyce Zito
*Michael McKenzie-Sept. 23-son of Susan Hennis
*Tonie Lee Sims-Sept. 24-grandson of Elizabeth Smith
*Elijah Thornton-Sept. 25-son of Sandra and Elijah Thornton
*Edie Curry-Sept. 26-daughter of Keith & Billy Curry
*James Allen Brantly-Sept. 28-son of Margaret & Alvin Brantly
*Brian William Parks-Sept. 28-son of Bill & Dana Parks
*John Ash-Sept. 28-son of Diane Turek
*Luann Lundy Patton-Sept. 29-daughter of Lucille L. Woodall
*Andrew Cameron Minton-Sept. 29-son of Shelly Wagner
*Douglas "Richard" Slocumb Jr.-Sept. 30-son of Linda & Doug Slocumb
*Kiera Iman Redd-Sept. 30-daughter of Rene Redd
Vol. 11, Issue 9
Page 7
Our Children
Remembered Always
But especially in the month of September. We honor and
remember these, our children, on the anniversary of their
deaths.
*Kala Bengsch-6 yrs. old-Sept. 1-daughter of Gary & Christine Bengsch
*Shelley Adams-24 yrs. old-Sept. 2-daughter of Kathy Mitchell
*Lee Ann Peele-21 yrs. old-Sept. 5-sister of Elizabeth Biggs
*Roy V. Wiseman, Jr.-35 yrs. old- Sept. 5-son of Ruth Wiseman
*Erik Wellumson-23 yrs. old-Sept. 6-son of Deborah Wellumson
*John Ash-26 yrs. old-Sept. 6-son of Diane Turek
*Nicholas Ash-7 yrs. old- Sept. 6-grandson of Diane Turek
*George Walsh-10 yrs. old-Sept. 9-son of Janis Walsh
*Dylan Robert Brown-12 yrs. old-Sept. 9-son of Kimberly Agren
*Kalen B. Fain-15 yrs. old-Sept. 12-son of Yvonne Fain
*Gabriel Boyer-15 yrs. old-Sept. 14-son of Tricia & Patrick Palmer
*Michelle Grant-23 yrs. old-Sept. 13-daughter of Diane Dye
*Douglas Norman Zeliff-25 yrs. old-Sept. 13-son of Diana and Alan Zeliff
*Tommy Cassin-13 yrs. old-Sept. 14-son of Pete & Mary Cassin
*Hannah Weiss-9 mos. old-Sept. 14-daughter of Nick & Trish Weiss
*Travis Carter-18 yrs. old-Sept. 18-son of Elizabeth & Hunter Carter
*Charles Buck Jr.-22 yrs. old-Sept. 22-son of Charles & Mary Buck
*Jonathan Aidan DeBrucker-7 wks. old-Sept. 22-son of Kandis DeBrucker
*Brian Daulton-4 yrs. old-Sept. 24-son of Jane & David Daulton
*David Stillwell-17 yrs. old-Sept. 24-son of Gary & Dianna Stillwell
*Joshua Wilson-10 yrs. old-Sept. 24-son of Barbara Wilson
*Laura Ann Griffin-31 yrs. old-Sept. 26-daughter of Charles Griffin
*Chris Voigtsberger-35 yrs. old-Sept. 26-son of Lillian & Richard
Voigtsberger
*Robert Hoeflein-31 yrs. old-Sept. 27-son of George & Marye Hoeflein
*Michael Steven Upton-30 yrs. old-Sept. 27-son of Mary Upton
*Barry O’Neal-47 yrs. old-Sept. 29-son of Rachel Smeland
*Quinton McCabe-7 yrs. old-Sept. 30-son of Cedric and Cobera Gay
In your gathering
of memories,
invite your courage
to remember
everything.
By Sascha Wagner
Vol. 11, Issue 9
Page 4
Through the years I have encountered many people
through work, church or community who have lost
children. It’s as though we are drawn together. They
need to talk, to tell their story, say their child’s
name and mostly, need someone to listen that
understands. I tell them about The Compassionate
Friends, where others care, share and understand, as we
share the treasured memories and love for our child.
I always felt that someday, maybe, I would check into
bringing a new chapter to Suffolk since nothing was
offered on that end of Tidewater. Well, that some day
came in the spring of 2010 when two other young men in
my neighborhood lost their lives within three months of
each other. Kay and I started counting the number of
families that had lost children through the years in our
small village of Eclipse and nearby. Right off the top
of our head we counted twelve. Even we were astonished
at the number. That’s when it happened. I made that
phone call to the National Office of The Compassionate
Friends. I said, “there needs to be a chapter in
Suffolk, what do I need to do?” Suddenly the flood
gates opened and everything happened so quickly that my
head nearly spun around. It was as though the universe
was just waiting for me to say “yes, now I’m ready”.
Still, at this point, I had no idea just how “vast” this
organization was. The board of advisors was chosen, all
applications were submitted and our new chapter was
approved within a month. The Suffolk Eclipse Chapter of
The Compassionate Friends was chartered in June 2010
just in time for us to attend the Leadership Conference
and National Convention in Washington, D.C. where over
1,500 bereaved parents and siblings attended. As a
“first timer” at a TCF Convention, it was, to say the
least, overwhelming to see so many bereaved parents
united by the love for their children.
Beginning a new chapter required us to open a nonprofit bank account. I never go to the bank on Saturday
morning, but decided to run in to open this account. As
I was sitting at the desk, handing over all of the
chapter information, I noticed that another bank
employee kept looking in my direction.
After all
business was taken care of and I got up to leave, the
other employee jumped up from her desk, came over to me
and asked, “what is The Compassionate Friends?” As I
told her, she immediately teared up and told me that she
had lost a young daughter a few years earlier. I ended
Vol. 11, Issue 9
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TCF Tidewater Chapter News
Annual Candle Light Service
Saturday, December 1, 2012
2:00 p.m.
Kempsville Presbyterian Church
Each year our chapter forgoes our regular monthly
meeting in December in order to hold a very special
service in memory of our children. This year our
Candle Light Service will be Saturday, December 1,
2012 at 2:00 p.m.
We encourage everyone, especially the newly
bereaved, to attend this service. Our guest speaker
this year will be David Daulton. Dave and his wife,
Jane were the founders of the Tidewater Chapter 25
years ago. Dave will surely provide encouraging words
and a message of hope for us all.
Votives will be provided for each family member to
light in remembrance of their child. The service will
conclude with a special slide presentation of our
children’s photos.
If you are a new member and would like your
child’s photo included in this slide presentation … or
if you are not a new member but have not submitted
your child’s photo before and plan on attending the
service, please mail or email your child’s photo to:
Maureen Harman, 3304 Bruin Drive, Chesapeake. VA 23321
OR
Email: billandmoe@msn.com
(NOTE: Please include
“TCF Memorial Service” in the subject line)
Deadline for Photo is
November 16, 2012
A reception will follow the service.
finger food or dessert to share.
Please bring a
Vol. 11, Issue 9
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Vol. 11, Issue 9
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(Cont)
I’d like to close with this poem written by a
bereaved father, David Harkins of the UK.
Hopefully our journey will lead all of us to this
resolution some day.
“You can shed tears that your child is gone,
or you can smile because they lived.
You can close your eyes and pray that they will come
back,
Or you can open your eyes and see all that they have
left.
Your heart can be empty because you can’t see them,
or you can be full of the love you shared.
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday,
or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.
You can remember them and only that they’re gone,
or you can cherish their memory and let it live on.
You can cry and close your mind, be empty and turn back,
or you can do what they would want:
Smile, Open your eyes, Love and Go on.”
By Patricia Seal
Chapter Leader
Suffolk Eclipse Chapter of The Compassionate Friends
(Guest Speaker at the 2011 Tidewater Chapter Candle Light
Service)
Promise
Grief walks with you today,
your constant companion.
But in the morning, tomorrow,
the sunrise of hope waits for you.
The Poems of Sascha Wagner
©The Compassionate Friends
All rights reserved
up sitting at her desk as she shared her story. She told
me that she worked at a different branch in another
nearby city and had never been sent to this branch before
and was there just for that day. We exchanged our
personal information, hugged, and I left. As I drove
home I couldn’t help but think about this extraordinary
coincidence. I knew then that the need for this new
chapter was even greater than I thought, and I then
reflected on The Compassionate Friends vision statement;
“everyone who needs us will find us and everyone who
finds us will be helped.” Obviously there was a more
important reason for me to go to the bank that Saturday
morning than just to open an account. Every day we
unknowingly brush shoulders of others who are silently
grieving with no one to talk to. A broken heart can’t be
seen with the naked eye.
This un-chosen journey we are on changes us forever.
We are not the same person we were before losing our
child. I’m still discovering the “new me” every day.
The very fact that I am standing before you today would
have never happened a few years ago. This is totally
outside of my comfort zone. But, this is what I know and
understand now, not by my choosing, but by circumstance.
After so many years the love for my son still drives me
to make a difference. Being a compassionate friend is
the only way I know to turn the most devastating thing in
my life toward a positive and pay it forward. You don’t
heal from the loss of a child or loved one because time
passes; you heal because of what you do with the time
that makes the difference.
Our love for our children will take us places that we
never dreamed we would be and they have brought all of us
together to remember them, to remember they are still
part of us, to remember they were here and touched many
lives. Our children have brought us together to help
each other survive and to make a difference in their
name. Each day we survive is a victory!
I remember the first time I laughed after Michael
died. I felt so guilty, and then I thought…. he would
have laughed too! If your loved ones ever laughed, you
will laugh again. So no matter what you do or don’t do
during this holiday season, this day is important. As we
light our candles honoring our children, let us find hope
that they will forever be remembered for the joy they
brought to our lives.
(Cont on page 8)