Marriages and Families:
Changes, Choices, and Constraints
Seventh Edition
Nijole V. Benokraitis
Chapter Eight
Choosing Others: Dating and Mate Selection
How Often Do We Date?
A majority of Americans age 18 and
older either are dating or would like to
be. Dating has declined among
people under age 18, but 24% of high
school seniors say they date
frequently. How we meet people and
what we call dating has changed over
the years.
Why Do We Date?
Sociologists consider dating a marriage
market in which the participants look at the
assets and liabilities in each partner and
decide which is the best for what they have
to offer.
Dating fulfills a number of specific functions
that vary according to a person’s age,
social class, and gender. Functions may be
manifest or latent.
Manifest Functions of Dating
Maturation
Fun and recreation
Companionship
Love and affection
Mate selection
Latent Functions of Dating
Socialization
Social status
Fulfillment of ego needs
Sexual experimentation and intimacy
Big business
The Dating Spectrum
In traditional dating, males and females follow
clear, culturally defined gender role scripts,
at least among the middle class.
Bat mitzvah and bar mitzvah—rites of
passage in the Jewish community.
“Going steady” and “getting pinned” were
popular after WWII. A woman was pinned
when her boyfriend gave her his fraternity
pin.
“Going with” or “going together” means a
couple is dating exclusively.
Contemporary Dating
Much casual and usually happens in groups.
Teenagers these days “hang out.”
“Getting together” is more intimate and
structured than hanging out. The specifics
are more spontaneous.
“Hooking up” is a little more serious and
usually involves a physical encounter. It is
a vague term and can mean anything from
kissing to having sex.
Traditional and
Contemporary Combinations
Proms and homecoming parties—still among
the most popular dating events for young
people.
Dating in later life—dating after divorce or
after being widowed can be both
therapeutic and intimidating.
Online dating has become more popular in
recent years.
How Do We Meet People
Personal ads—published in mainstream
magazines, on the Web, etc.
Mail-order brides—There are more than
200 international services that provide
an international bride. There is still a
lot of controversy over this type of
business.
How Do We Meet People?
Professional matchmakers—make a
living by matching people up.
Speed dating—the idea is to meet as
many people as you can in a very
short time.
Cyberdating
Millions of people turn to the Internet to
find the right person these days.
There are pros and cons to trying to
find a dating partner in this way.
Choosing Whom We Date:
Choices and Constraints
In the U.S. we think we can marry
whomever we want, and we can to an
extent, but there are many forces at
work in helping us make that decision.
We are affected by many things like our
religion, family, and socioeconomic
status.
Homogamy and Filter Theory
According to filter theory, we sift
eligible people according to specific
criteria and thus narrow the pool of
potential partners to a small number of
candidates.
Homogamy refers to dating or marrying
someone with similar backgrounds to
our own.
Homogamy and Filter Theory
These are some of the things we use to “filter”
potential mates:
– Propinquity—geographic closeness
– Ethnicity and race—to some these are
still important factors in finding a partner
– Religion—can also affect dating and
marriage relationships
Homogamy and Filter Theory
–Social class—we tend to stay with
groups within our own social class
–Physical appearance—no matter how
we want to look at it, appearance does
matter
–Age—we generally marry someone
close to our own age
–Values and personality—we look for
partners who are much like ourselves
27 Things to know about Your Partner
1. Kids or no kids?
2. Smoking or no smoking?
3. Drinking or no drinking? (Same for drugs)
4. Religious beliefs: Match? Blend? Clash?
5. Who works? Who stays home (especially when the kids
come along)?
6. Who wants to live where?
7. Who controls the checkbook?
8. What is his/her personal relationship with his/her family?
Too distant? Too close?
Too weird? Appropriate to your standards?
9. How are holidays spent? At home? With family? Alone?
Vacationing?
10. Windows opened or closed? Heat/AC on or off?
11. What side of the bed must you (he/she) sleep on?
12. Where to spend vacations? Leisure time?
13. Sick: Left alone or babied?
14. Appropriate gift giving: birthdays? Yuletide holidays?
Three more compatibility factors
How does your new love handle a
crisis?
Behave in public places?
Treat your friends and family?
You can tell a great deal about your new
mate by the way he treats his mother
and how she treats her father.
Observing how a person regards that
parent is key in establishing how they
or she will treat you!
Heterogamy: Expanding the
Marriage Market
As U.S. society becomes more diverse and
multicultural, marrying across traditional
boundaries is bound to happen.
Some “"new kinds" of relationships include:
– Same-sex relationships
– Social class relationships
– Interfaith relationships
– Interracial and interethnic relationships
Theories of Mate Selection
Social exchange theory—posits that
people will begin and remain in a
relationship if the rewards are higher
than the costs.
Equity theory—an intimate relationship
is satisfying and stable if both partners
see it as equitable and mutually
beneficial.
A Global View
Most traditional cultures do not have the open
courtship abilities that we have in this
country. In some very traditional countries,
children are betrothed to someone when
they are very young and a marriage is seen
as a contract between two families.
These traditional marriage arrangements are
changing in some traditional cultures,
especially the ones that have more
educated young people.
Dating Violence
Just as there can be abuse in married
relationships, there can be violence in
dating relationships. The violence is
usually born out of the struggle for
power in the relationship, with mostly
women losing.
Not only violence, but rape can happen
just as easily in a dating relationship.
Consequences of Date Rape
The victims in many cases blame
themselves. Others often blame the
victim as well.
This makes it extremely difficult to tell to
a judge and a jury what really
happened.
Why We Break Up
According to one poll, nearly half of
Americans adults have gotten the romantic
heave-ho at least twice in their lifetime.
Reasons for breaking up include:
Individual reasons—communication problems,
different interests, emotional and physical
abuse
Structural reasons—moving away, economic
hardships that trigger unemployment and
fights about money