Concise Advice To
Husbands
Written by TheAuthenticBase
Aboo Hurayrah reported that the Prophet (saw)
said, “The best of you are those who are best to
their wives.” [Tirmidhee & Ahmad]
Concise Advice To Husbands
By TheAuthenticBase
1) Be Her Comforter
Know that a woman cries when she has no words to explain how she feels. Husbands, this is the
time when she needs a hug (a non-sexual hug). A soft hug, wiping away her tears with your
hands, and a little kiss on the forehead will help her a lot.
2) Be A Good Listener
Women need a man who can be her shoulder to lean on. Simply listen to her while she
stumbles over her words while explaining her worries without necessarily providing instant
solutions. Sometimes they just need to tell you something without actually getting an instant
solution. Be a good listener and learn to show an interest in what she’s saying. Read #11 for
more info on this point.
3) Never Walk Out Of An Argument
If the two of you argue, then never walk out of an argument leaving her crying, as this shows
you have no concern for her feelings. Instead, be by her side, show her you care for her by
taking her feeling into consideration (this is done by apologizing, not storming out of the house,
and not behaving in a way that shows you do not care for her views or what she has to say).
Acknowledge your mistake, and this will make it easy for her to acknowledge her mistake. A
real man is he who can humble himself when he is angry.
Even if she was the root of the problem, still apologize for your error, even though it was a
triggered by her actions. If you do this, she will see how much you really care for her and how
much you wish to rectify the problem. The more you love someone the more quicker you are to
rush to apologizing and fixing the matter.
4) Respect Her Opinions
Respect her opinions when she advises you and learn to shower her with affection, as this will
bring out the best in her. Ask her what she thinks of such and such decision you’re going to
make, especially if it affects her as well. Yes you make the final decision, but it doesn’t mean
you don’t consult your wife in the decision making process. And don’t laugh or mock her
opinions as this will kill her moral and self-confidence. Moreover, it shows you have no
consideration for her feelings, and women don’t like that. Hurting her emotionally is a killer.
Women have soft hearts, so pay heed and learn to only say good and nice things.
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5) Be Her Best Friend
A woman not only wants a man who is her husband, but she also wants you as her best friend.
Someone she can share her secrets with. Someone who is by her side through the ups and
downs of life. Show her she is close to you by sharing your joy with her. Telling her of your
secrets, your happy days, your sad days. Do not be overly strict with her, and learn to have a
sense of humor. Don’t be a boring husband; joke with her, play with her, but don’t overdo it
such that she cannot even have a serious conversation with you when required.
6) Don’t Choose Your Friends Over Her
Don’t spend more time with your friends as compared to the time you spend with her. Even the
time you do spend with her, make sure its quality time. Don’t look at the quantity (although this
is also important) but also look at the quality of the time you spend with her. Do things
together with her, go for a walk in the park together. Don’t have all your fun time with your
friends, and then come home tired and thus ignore her for the rest of the day because you’re
“tired”.
If something interesting happened to you during your day, first speak to her about it. Don’t let
her feel as if you love your friends more than you love her. And a woman judges the level of
love by how much quality time you spend with her and who you go to when you want to talk
about something. If something happened to you during the day, tell her. Share your experience
with her, share you day with her, share your life with her. Don’t be a boring husband who
doesn’t tell her how your day went. You’re her husband and she wants to bond with you, and
one crucial way to do this is to have that emotional bond with her. If something interesting
happened to you, then share it with her.
The last thing you want is for her to think you share all your jokes and day experiences with
your friends and not with her! The last thing you want is for her to hear you speaking on the
phone to your friend about a funny incident that happened during the day, and then when she
asks you what happened, you ignore her and say “nothing”, treating her as a fly.
7) You’re Not Married To Your Computer
Linked to #6, I say, don’t be stuck on your laptop/phone all the time, especially when you’re
with her! No doubt she will have patience with you, but a time will come when the bubble will
burst. Don’t make her crave for your attention by spending hours chatting on the phone or on
the computer. And even when that bubble does burst you have no right to say that at least
you’re at home unlike other husbands. Yes, this does have an element of truth to it, but what
companionship is there between the two of you if you are always online? If you have some
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important work to do on the computer, don’t rush to it as soon as you come back home from
work. Spend some time with her before you go online. And during your time with her, don’t act
and behave as if you’re in a rush to go online. We men cannot do two things at once, and the
last thing you want is for her to speak to you and for you to respond with words which show
you were obviously not listening. As I will mention in point #12, women need someone to talk
to and you need to be a good listener.
8) Have Patience With Her During Her Mood Swings
During her monthly periods, she may act or behave in an abnormal way, swaying from emotion
to emotion. She may be happy now and suddenly turn sad or angry with you the next. She may
even accuse you of something you’re innocent of. Have patience with her during her periods.
Put up with her irrational behavior and realize that trying to straighten a bent rib will only break
it.
9) Spice Up The Romance
Women desire romance. Many women complain of a boring husband who lacks giving her
romance. Although she is a practicing Muslimah, she is still a woman; and every woman desires
a bit of romance to spice up her marriage. A simple flower can do a lot. Bring a flower home
from work and when you enter the door, go down on one knee and give her the rose.
Embarrassing? Don’t worry no one’s watching you. Or hide it under the sofa, and after dinner
surprise her with the gift! Women like that surprised element as it adds a bit of excitement to
it.
Decorate your bedroom with a vase and some tulips. Purchase some scented candles. Have a
frame of a rose hung up. Buy a new set of bed sheets and duvet cover and both of you
(together) decide on a new set, but let her choose the one she likes. Even if its pink and red
decorated with flowers, purchase it. Mind you, the more she likes the bed, the longer she’ll like
to stay in bed with you!
Purchasing all these small things may seem odd or silly to some brothers, but every woman
loves romance. The color of the wallpaper, the design on the curtains, let it be her choice. Even
sending her a text message from work telling her you love her, or buying a love heart candle (if
such a thing exist) can do wonders. If you come to know that she watches romantic / love
movies, or reads love stories, then blame no one but yourself for not providing her with the
romance she wants. Every woman loves romance.
10) Buy Her Gifts & Don’t Put A Price On Her Happiness
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With romance comes gifts. By purchasing your wife a gift, you’re showing her you were thinking
of her during the day. It doesn’t have to be something huge, even a small gift will brighten up
her day. Whether its flowers, chocolate box, candles, or any other love/romantic gift you can
buy from card shops. With women, it’s the thought that counts. Purchase her a gift every once
in a while.
As explained above in point #9, try hiding it somewhere, and on your way to work text/ring her
and ask her to look in such and such place. You could even play a little game where you have
two or three sticky notes, each one pointing to the other until she finally goes to the gift.
Though this would require some thorough thought for a few days, but inshaaAllaah the
outcome will be wonderful! And no doubt when you come home you’ll have a huge meal and
an enjoyable time in bed!
11) Hugs And Kisses
Apparently women like those cozy hugs. Give her plenty of hugs, and not just when you want to
be intimate with her. She needs that non-sexual hug, and it could help her to ease her tension.
Although your sexual urge is high, it is not as high as hers. Sometimes she just wants a hug, so
know this well.
12) Women Need Someone To Talk To
A woman is more emotional than a man. During your 9-5 working day she’s been locked within
the home surrounded by four walls. Something may have happened to her during the day
which she is excited to tell you about. So when she is talking to you about her day, show a
genuine interest in what she says. Women need someone to talk to, someone to ask them how
their day went. Understand her emotional needs. Either you ask her how her day went and
spend quality time with her, or she speaks to someone else about it. Sometimes she may speak
about the most minor thing like how someone pushed in front of her in the queue, or how
someone never replied to her salam in the masjid.
Realize that she hasn’t spoken to anyone and the fact that she’s sharing this with you means
she loves you. She’s probably been waiting all day for you to come home to tell you this, so
show an interest. Smile as she speaks, don’t change the subject so quickly, don’t cut her off half
way through her speaking, and maybe bring it up again after an hour or so. All this shows you
took a genuine interest in what she had to say. Remember, women are more emotional than
men. If you want her to love you, then realize her emotional needs.
13) Do The Household Chores
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Know that when the Prophet (saw) was at home he was at the service of his family. Washing
the dishes, doing the hoover, putting the clothes on the washing line outside, cleaning the table
after a meal, looking after the kids… all these things, although ‘minor’ chores, will be well
appreciated by your wife. Do not think you will be lowered in her sight, or that she will show
you less respect if she sees you doing the dishes or any other household chore. No doubt, you
helping your wife with her chores will only increase the love and respect she has for you! And
this should be more so implemented when your wife is unwell.
14) Dress Up For Your Wife
Know that it is from good manners to dress up for your wife. Ibn Abbaas said: “I love to beautify
myself for the wife in the same way that I love for her to beautify herself for me because Allaah
said, ‘And they have rights similar to those over them according to what is reasonable.’ [2:228].”
It is a shame how some brothers desire their wives to be in perfect shape and to always look
good yet show no concern to their wife’s physical desires. If your wife sees that you are taking
care to look after yourself and look appealing to her, the this will naturally make her do the
same. Is it logical that you wish your wife to be slim and in shape while you are out of shape
and unhealthy? You desire to be intimate with your wife and expect her to always be ready for
you, yet no woman would like to be intimate with a man who has his hair unkempt, smelling
like fish, and dressed as if he just came back from the battlefield! Dress up for your wife and
make her be attracted to you physically and emotionally.
15) Women Also Have Sexual Desires
Realize that women also have sexual desires. Although their main desire is emotional, they also
have that sexual urge. Don’t ignore this as it could cause her harm. She is not immoral if she
asks you for intimacy. Likewise, do not leave her once you have finished your desire with her.
Let her finish as well. Just as you would not like her to leave you during the act, don’t leave her.
Also, during intimacy she may like a specific way or a specific approach. Take this into
consideration. Allow her to investigate and explore other methods, and don’t force your way
upon her all the time. If she asks for intimacy, allow her to approach you and enjoy you in the
manner she likes. Even if her way is not as enjoyable to you, do not speak against it showing
your dislike for it. Leave her be and let her enjoy it the way she likes.
Intimacy is not just about you fulfilling your desire, it’s also about her.
And lastly, don’t force anything upon her which she is not comfortable with. She is a fragile
vessel and treat her with kindness and softness even in these delicate areas/topics.
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16) Don’t Be Cruel During Intimacy
Linked to the above, many men make the mistake of being cruel with their wives on the first
night. Just because it is not forbidden to be intimate on the first night, it does not mean you
force yourself upon her. Anger generates within her and she could have some hatred for you
due to this forced act.
Yes, there may be some who would enjoy it and desire it on the first night, but I am referring to
those who force their wives to be intimate and do not use a soft approach during the act. If she
is not comfortable with it, leave it. Never force her to do anything she does not wish to, as this
may cause her to have some hatred towards you.
Although she is your wife, remember one thing, she is someone’s daughter and someone’s
sister. She grew up in a house and has now moved far from her parents love to live with you in
a strange house. Be soft with her. And for the third time, never make her do something she
does not wish to!
17) Complement Your Wife
Never forget to compliment you wife. Women love compliments. Try to keep them real and
don’t overdo them as this could kill it. Praise her in front of her family members. Acknowledge
all she does for you and enjoy her as she’s your halaal avenue. When you visit her parent’s
house, praise her in front of her mother and father, expressing your happiness with her, and
inshaaAllaah this will bring joy to her heart.
18) Appreciate All She Does
Appreciate all your wife does for you. While you’re out the house working, she’s in the house
cleaning and looking after your kids, making sure the house is spotless. She is a blessing and
don’t be like those who only realize a blessing once it is taken away from them.
Believe it or not, a woman works tirelessly around the house, so appreciate her work and once
in a while give her a break. Whether this is done by you doing all the housework or by taking
her out for a meal. Being a wife, mother, home-maker isn’t easy.
19) Expect And Respect Her Jealousy
If your wife is jealous over you, it means she loves you more than you can imagine. Just as you
would expect her not to cross the limits of your gheerah (jealousy), then likewise do not
overstep the limits of her jealousy. Do not get angry at her if she tells you to change this or that
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habit, or if she tells you not to speak so softly while at the till. Respect her jealousy by doing
what she says and don’t brush her feelings away.
20) Keep unnecessary Jealousy In Check
Although jealousy is a praiseworthy characteristic, there is a difference between jealousy and
accusations. Never accuse your wife regarding her chastity. It is a major sin to accuse a chaste
Muslimah.
Having jealousy over your wife is something which every Muslim man should possess and is a
praiseworthy characteristic, but don’t end up slandering her. Would you accuse her of
immorality while her father was present? If not, then know that Allaah is watching over you,
and He deserves you fear Him more.
How heart breaking it would be for her, if she does everything you tell her, yet you still accuse
her of immorality!
21) Her Random Tears
Sometimes you may see her crying for no reason. She may feel upset or shed a tear when you
don’t expect it. Brothers, this is the time she really needs a man by her side. Ignoring her when
she’s emotionally upset, will only make her feel lonely and feel less loved. So immediately leave
off all you’re doing, give her your attention and ask her what the matter is, ask her how she is.
If she says she’s fine, she probably means she’s not. When a woman cries and says she’s fine, it
means she wants a hug and someone to tell her “I know you’re not”. Women are very
emotional, learn to see through her “outer shell” and try to understand her emotional drive.
One of the biggest lies a woman can tell you is she’s fine. As a husband, you should be able to
look at her face and know something is wrong.
22) Call Her Sweet Names
Don’t forget to call you wife sweet and loving names. As the saying goes, a man falls in love
through his eyes and a woman falls in love through her ears. Women like to hear nice and
sweet words; word of affection and love. And a part of this is to call her with the sweetest of
names. Those that are special to her. Honey, sweetheart, princess etc. And it is the most evil of
characteristics to swear or use bad language with her. Fear Allaah with regards to how you treat
her. O my brother, fear Allaah! Women are soft creatures, and they respond beautifully to soft
speech. As mentioned time and time again, women are much more emotional than us men, so
take this into consideration.
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In conclusion know that women are more emotional than us men, they need a husband who is
also their best friend. Fear Allaah as to how you treat her and always remember, although she
is your wife, she is still someone’s daughter, someone’s sister. This is my advice to you, my dear
brother, and don’t forget to remember me in your du’aas.
Document completed on 29/04/13
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