LESSON 4
Under Construction
DEALING WITH ABANDONMENT AND SEPARATION
ANXIETY
SEPARATION ANXIETY
A TYPICAL SITUATION OF ORIGIN FOR SEPARATION ANXIETY AND FEAR OF BEING ALONE
With variations in degree, all humans have some type of early experience with
loss, separation, or physical or psychological abandonment that remains
embedded in their unconscious. This is one of the two major sources of the life
long need for belonging and secure relationships.
The other source is a close, warm, secure bond with one or more
humans in the earliest years of development.
The former is a source of degrees of agony and either compulsive
extraversion and possessiveness or a fear of closeness.
The latter is either a source of emotional dependence on the original
bonds or a capacity for security, emotional independence, and intimacy.
Sometimes, both tendencies can exist in the same person as an
intense ambivalence.
The following graphics illustrate a typical situation of origin for
separation anxiety and its emotional consequences.
SECURITY, HAPPINESS, PLEASURE GOING SHOPPING WITH MOM
Oh boy!
This is
going to be
fun!
INITIAL EXPERIENCE OF BEING SEPARATED FROM MOM IN A STRANGE PLACE
The Origin of Separation Anxiety and the Perpetual Sense Lost-ness and
Terror of Being Alone
Let me out here.
I’m scared. The
monsters are going
to get me and kill
me. But I have no
where to go. If I
run away I’ll just
fall into the abyss
and be lost forever.
ABYSS
LOST FOREVER
DEATH
ABSOLUTE
TERROR
Mommy, Mommy! Where
are you? Come find me,
please! I’m lost. I'm going to
be lost forever. The monsters
will kill me and eat me!
Materialization of the
fear generated by being
lost later translated into
nightmares and a
generalized separation
anxiety and sense of
danger.
The Childhood, Haunting Fear of Separation and Aloneness
Is Embedded in the Mind Like a Life Sentence
A teenager or adult at night, in
bed, alone, in a dark room! The
terror starts to
come back. The
terror is materialized
as horrifying monsters
coming out from under
the bed.
The person becomes the
terrified little child, separated
from its Mommy. Terror strikes
and the person wants to shriek
and scream for Mommy. But
they can’t. They have to endure
the terror or find some way, no
matter what, to get rid of it.
Addictions often become the
way to get rid of it.
SEPARATION ANXIETY IS A MAJOR CAUSE OF THE ADDICT’S INNER PAIN
Ahh! I’m going nuts. I feel like my
head is being crushed from the
inside out. I’ve got to get out of
here! I’m about to explode!
Loneliness
The Addicts emptiness, loneliness, anxiety and pain are ever present, just
masked by addictive behavior or other unusually extreme distractions
The addict runs away as fast as possible to get to the most familiar and/or available
addiction to take the pain away.
Let me get out of here!
This is an explosion of
misery and horror.
Give me any thing that
can put these demons
to rest!!!
ABYSS
LOST FOREVER
DEATH
ABSOLUTE
TERROR
My god! I’m going crazy. I feel
horrible. Let me out of this
body.
Loneliness
OVERCOMING SEPARATION ANXIETY
AND FEAR OF BEING ALONE
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The treatment for all symptoms resulting from separation anxiety and fear
of being alone requires, first, developing a bond with a therapist and
eventually one and then more others who are stable and very unlikely to
abandon.
Second, having the therapeutic conditions that allow the person to face
the situation or situations of origin, relive it, understand it and accept its
impact on one’s life and view of the world and then begin to recreate a
view of the world and life that is more realistic and strategies that make it
possible to cope with inevitable losses on life’s journey.
Third, learning to stop and look inward at the feelings of anxiety, fear,
agony, despair and rage as they are and as stemming from the situations
of origin and stay with this inward look until one is able to replace it with
feelings of calmness that follow from the new realization that one is really
safe and secure and loved even when alone and even when abandoned by
someone once again in the present.
These three factors, a therapeutic bond, facing the situations of origin, and
perceiving and replacing the childhood terror and agony with adult realism
and serenity. This is a large undertaking but makes all the difference in
quality of life and perhaps between life and death.