Plato's "Apology": A Summary
Socrates: "Look, I don't know what I'm doing here. I'm seventy, I've never been in court
before, but, I guess some people are trying to have me killed? And I'm supposed to defend
myself? Just bear with me here, you guys. I'm just going to do what I normally do. Sorry if
that's not proper.
"Everyone is all, 'Oh, Socrates! He thinks he's sooooo smart, he knows everything that
happens in Heaven and below the Earth, and he makes arguments do all kinds of weird
stuff, and he teaches other people to do that.' And they've been telling you all this since you
were little kids, so now you're thirty and you've heard for twenty-five years that I'm a huge
jerk, and I've got a single day to undo that."
"Look, here's what really happened. I didn't want to make a big deal out of it or anything,
but apparently the Oracle of Delphi said I'm the wisest man alive. And I don't want to brag,
because I was like, 'wait, what? I don't know anything.' But, you know, the Oracle is kind of
a big deal, and I didn't want to go around telling people the Oracle is just straight up wrong,
because that's actual blasphemy instead of the garbage you dragged me in here for, but I
figured if I could actually find someone wiser than me that I could say, 'Me? No way, Jimmy,
he's definitely your guy,' then I wouldn't have to worry about wisdom or whatever.
"So THAT is what I started doing. I went to all the guys who had these great reputations for
wisdom, guys who claimed to know tons of stuff, and I'll be darned if they weren't mostly
just idiots. It was like, the better a reputation a man had, the dumber he was. I'm not
saying I knew more than them - I'm pretty sure that I know diddly squat. But these
guys also didn't know anything, and were pretty sure they knew everything. And when I
tried to point out that they didn't know anything, they just got ticked off like it's my fault
they've got poop for brains, which is why they told you guys growing up about how I think
I'm smarter than everyone, even though I've literally never said that, ever.
"Then I went to the poets, who said cool things, but they thought their poems meant this
high-flying baloney or whatever when they clearly didn't mean anything like that. After that
I went to the politicians to see if they were wise, which turned out pretty much exactly as
you'd expect with politicians.
"So finally I went to the craftsmen, and they knew some cool things like how to sculpt and
how to make chairs and stuff, but they all thought that because they knew this really
specific thing, they could be authorities on all kinds of other crazy things. It was like, 'I
believe that justice is the highest blah blah blah, and you know I'm right because look at
this chair I put together.' Which is ridiculous, and that seems like a pretty dumb skill to
have, and I figured it was better to be aware that I know nothing than to know like five
things and think I know a million.
"So, I think what the Oracle meant is that obviously no one knows anything, but I'm the
only one who really knows that I don't know anything at all, and everyone else is going
around deluding themselves and just generally making an idiot of themselves. And it turns
out, you can only tell everyone that "Hey ding-dong, you're wrong about everything you
think you know," before they start to complain, and start making up stuff so no one thinks
they got embarrassed by a guy who knows nothing, which is why so many of you have
heard about what an jerk I am - jealous, lying ding-dongs told you.
"But you know how you can be pretty sure I'm not just doing this to be a jerk? I'm poor,
man. I'm not like those guys who charge people to teach them rhetoric or whatever - and
good for those guys, making a living - instead, I just wander around and question others all
the time. And now, Maletus brings charges against me, as if he's such a righteous guy who
can't stand to see the gods slandered, and the youth corrupted, when really, he's just trying
to get famous. Watch this.
"Hey Maletus! Who is it that makes the youth even better? No, don't give me that look,
come answer the question. This is your chance, hotshot."
Maletus: "Uh, the laws?"
Socrates: "No, idiot, which people?"
Maletus: "Uh, the jurymen. All the jurymen are great guys! And the audience too."
Socrates: "Yeah, good! And the Councillors and the Assembly?"
Maletus: "Yeah, I mean, they improve the youth, too."
Socrates: "So you're saying literally every Athenian but me improves the youth. I'm the
only dipstick who is corrupting them?"
Maletus: "Yeah, I guess so."
Socrates: "Oh, well then to heck with me, right? No wonder you want me dead. But does
that seem right? Everybody except their teacher makes them dumber? Maletus, when
you're training a horse, are you saying EVERYBODY improves the horse except the trainer?
It's the trainer who corrupts the horse? No, of course not. We should be so lucky that only
one guy corrupts the youth and everyone else improves them, and if you'd thought about it
for like half a second, you'd see how little sense you're making. And hey, this wickedness
thing - don't wicked people make life worse for those around them?"
Maletus: "Yeah, the wicked stink."
Socrates: "And does anyone want bad friends? Is there anyone in the entire world who is
like, 'You know why I don't hang out with Bob anymore? He's a nice guy and he makes me
better. Will, now there's a proper buzzkill who makes me miserable all the time.'"
Maletus: "Uh, no, that doesn't make sense."
Socrates: "Great. You're doing great. So you think I accidentally am corrupting the youth?
You must think that, otherwise you wouldn't have brought charges, you'd have tried to
correct me privately."
Maletus: "Yeah, no, I'm pretty sure you're doing this deliberately."
Socrates: "So what you're saying is, I'm intentionally turning everyone around me into an
ding-dong, even though I know that ding-dongs will hurt me eventually? Because by your
own admission, that would make me an A-1 moron. And I think we can all agree that, after
70 years, I'm not an idiot. But hey, you're on fire. So what about this whole impiety deal?
Are you saying I don't believe in the gods? That I teach 'new' spiritual things?"
Maletus: "YES. Right. That. You definitely don't believe in gods."
Socrates: "See, when I heard this, I thought you had to be joking. I was like, 'He's joking,
right? This is a funny joke.' Like you put a funny joke in there because everything else is so
serious. I don't believe in gods, but I believe in 'new' spiritual things? Aren't spirits either
gods or children of gods?"
Maletus: "Well yea-"
Socrates: "Well then how in the heck do I not believe in gods? If I teach there are spiritual
things, then there have to be spirits - it makes no sense to say 'No, there are no spirits. But
there are spiritual activities!' that's like, 'There are no humans, but there are human
activities!' So there are spirits, which means there are either gods or children of gods. But if
they're children of gods, there have to be gods, right? It can't be like, 'Tim? He's Larry's kid,
and also Larry doesn't exist.' So basically you're saying, 'Socrates doesn't believe in gods;
instead he believes in gods.' Which is why I thought that you were joking. Because that
would be hilarious.
"So I think it's pretty clear that the charges that have been bought before you are utter
horsepoop. However, maybe you're thinking you should convict me for other reasons.
Maybe you're saying to yourself, 'Hey Socrates, why did you keep ticking people off if you
knew they were going to try to have you killed? Maybe you're not guilty, but why take the
risk just to be an jerk to some people?' And to that I say, 'Forget you, hypothetical juror.'
I'm not going to disobey the gods just to avoid death; why would I take the risk into
account when trying to decide whether or not to do the right thing? Were the soldiers of
Troy inferior because they said, 'Death? I don't care, as long as justice happens on the
way.' Spoiler Alert: No. Besides, I don't know anything about what happens after death, so
how can I be afraid of it? You want me to not do a thing that I know is awesome, just so
some mysterious thing I know nothing about won't happen? Yeah, whatever.
"Lastly, maybe you're thinking you should convict me so that the youth don't go around
trying to do what I do, corrupting other people. Maybe I didn't intentionally corrupt them,
but now you have to put me to death to make an example of me. First of all, that's stupid
because it isn't just. Second of all, you should be so lucky. All I do is make people better you're welcome. I spend day in and day out questioning people, showing them their errors,
and helping them get over that. Criticism is awesome - it means you get to be you, but
a slightly more awesome version of you. Don't you get it? I'm a gift to this city, and if you
get rid of me, you will regret it.
"Why didn't I go into politics, if I'm such a gift? Because it isn’t worth it. First of all, the gods
told me not to, and I think they had good reasons to do so - I'm not trying to get all
corrupted by politics, and I'm not trying to get put to death for not compromising my
principles. I guess I'm already here for that, but I wouldn't have lasted a week if I had tried
to make a principled stand in a public life. Yeah, no thanks. So, you know, I'll just stick to
the private life the gods commanded me to stick to, thanks very much.
"Look, if I was corrupting the youth, either someone would have grown up and seen that
they were corrupted, or someone's ticked-off overprotective parent would have done
something about it. You think I'm making these kids into ding-dongs and their parents are
like, 'I'm super-glad our son is hanging out with that Socrates guy - I always wanted him to
grow up as an impious heretic and a liar!'? Which is why I get dragged before a jury every
week by someone's dad oh wait… no… the other thing where that never happens. Literally
zero of them have testified before you today, so, you know, boo-yah.
"And that's pretty much it. Sometimes someone comes in here and cries like a wuss
because they want to be acquitted, and they don't tell you 'I'm innocent!' so much as 'I
have kids to feed!' and I think that's the stupidest thing because what does 'I have kids!'
have to do with guilt or innocence? So, don't acquit me because you feel bad for me, acquit
me because I'm innocent. I'm not going to beg for my life, sympathy is a dumb, dumb
reason to vote."
[The jury gives a verdict of guilty, and Maletus asks for death.]
Socrates: "Oh man, that was close, huh? Well, now I have to tell you how to sentence me
based on what I think I deserve. Uh, well since I spent my entire life showing people their
errors and helping them improve, I think you should sentence me to have feasts thrown in
my honor all the time. I think that's the best punishment - give me free meals forever like a
hero. That is what I deserve. Seriously. Seriously. But since I don't think you'll go for that,
you should just go ahead and fine me 30 minas. I guess my friends have agreed to pay that
for me? Yeah. But I'm not going to ask for exile or imprisonment, since I'm damn sure those
things will stink and I have no idea if death will stink.
[The jury condemns Socrates to death.]
Socrates: "Well, isn’t that a kick in the rear? Oh well. I did my best. I feel pretty good about
giving a just defense and still being condemned to death rather than crying and supplicating
and pretending to be guilty just to survive. If that were better, warriors would practice
dropping their swords and begging for mercy, and then we would never have
conquered anything. Besides, I'm not worried even a little bit about death. Either it won't
feel like anything, like sleepytime, and I have been known to enjoy a nap from time to time
so no biggie there; or else I'll just go to the underworld, where I can keep doing philosophy,
which, who doesn't want that? None of you are wise, but I'm pretty sure if I got to question
Odysseus or Homer or all those other dudes, I'd find someone wiser than me. Heck, if I was
absolutely sure I could go to Hades and keep doing it big with all those awesome dudes, I'd
die a thousand times over. So, I go to die and you go to live. Who's the real winner here?
Hard to say."