CONFLICT
Popular Views of Conflict

Conflict is destructive and should be
avoided.

Conflict is a sign of a poor relationship.
Relational View of Conflict

Conflict is inevitable and should be
managed in ways that maintain the
relationship.
The Definition: A disagreement
between/among connected individuals
Expressed Struggle over:
 Perceived Incompatible Goals
 Perceived Limited Resources
 Interference
__________________________________
 Manifest and Latent
 Content and Relational

Three aspects of conflict development
contribute to conflict getting out of control.



Once conflicts start, they tend to perpetuate
themselves, especially if there are already
problems between the people involved;
When conflicts are over, our relationships
change in some way, but we often do not
recognize that it is how we manage the conflict
that is critical to how it will affect our
relationship.
We do not recognize that manifest conflict
actually serves many positive functions in our
lives.
Negative and Positive Effects




Negative:
leads to increased negative feelings
Positive:
forces people to examine problems causing
conflict and to look for solutions
Conflict Styles





Competing / Aggressive: I win, you lose
Avoiding / Withdrawing: I lose, you lose
Accommodating: I lose, you win
Compromising: I win and lose, you win
and lose
Collaborating / Assertive / ProblemSolving: I win, you win
Constructive Process




The management of conflicts is constructive if the
conflict is defined as a mutual problem, and it is
defined as a "win-win" situation where both parties
gain.
Participants must express their ideas openly and
honestly, and all parties must be viewed as equal--with
their positions taken seriously, valued, and respected.
Participants use effective communication skills, such as
responsive listening and perception checking, so that
differences in opinions can be clarified and understood.
Participants express their assumptions and
perspectives on the problem and do not take
disagreements as rejection.
Destructive Process




The conflict is not defined as a mutual problem: it is a
"win-lose" situation where one person gains and the
other loses.
Participants are not open or are deceitful and they do
not view each other as equal or respect others' ideas.
Participants do not use effective communication skills,
and differences in opinions are suppressed or ignored.
Participants do not clarify their assumptions or
perspectives on the problem and they take
disagreements as rejection.
Constructive Outcomes




Participants feel understood and think they
influenced others.
They are committed to the solution and are
satisfied with the decision.
They feel accepted by the other person.
Their ability to manage future conflicts is
increased.
Destructive Outcomes




Participants do not feel understood and think
they had little influence on others.
They are not committed to the solution and are
not satisfied with the solution.
They do not feel accepted by the other person.
Their ability to manage future conflicts is
decreased.
Overall:






Be rational
Be understanding
Communicate
Be reliable
Use noncoercive modes of influence
Be accepting
Negotiating solutions

We can try to change others

We can try to alter the conditions
underlying the conflict

We can change our own behavior
Separate the People from the
Problem


Separate the relationship from the
substance.
Be hard on the problem, soft on
people
Focus on Interests, Not Positions



Reconcile interests, not positions
Behind opposed positions lie shared and
compatible interests, as well as
conflicting ones
Acknowledge their interests as part of
the problem
How do you identify interests?



Ask “Why?” (put yourself in their shoes)
Ask “Why not?” (think about their
choice)
Realize that each side has multiple
interests.
Invent Options for Mutual Gain



Separate inventing from deciding
Broaden your options
Look for mutual gain
Insist on Using Objective Criteria


Fair standards
Fair procedures
Deliberate deception




Misrepresentation about facts, authority,
or intentions
Phony facts
Ambiguous authority
Dubious intentions
Psychological warfare




Stressful situation (physical setting)
Personal attacks
The good-guy/bad-guy routine
Threats
Positional pressure tactics





Refusal to negotiate
Extreme demands
Escalating demands
A calculated delay
“Take it or leave it.”
POWER and INFLUENCE
Types of Influence
Rational Persuasion
 Manipulative Persuasion
 Inducement
 Power

Rational Persuasion

By using truthful information and
cogent reasoning
Manipulative Persuasion

By omitting, distorting, or falsifying
information and/or using fallacious
reasoning
Inducement

By promising rewards
POWER

Power is the ability of one person to get
another person to act in accordance with the
first person’s intentions.

Although this can be accomplished through
other methods, power implies the
ability/capacity to enforce one’s wishes on
other people
Some people are more
powerful than others.



People are
Equal in principle (under the law,
in moral terms, etc.)
… but different in abilities,
strengths, wealth, etc.
The sources of power


Knowledge, expertise,
social/professional position,
money, contacts
Credibility (if you were correct
several times, you will be believed;
in coercion – your threats will be
taken seriously
The “rules” of power





Some people are more Machiavellian
than others.
Power can be increased or decreased.
Power Follows the principle of Less
Interest (is relative)
Power has a cultural dimension – power
distance.
Power is frequently used unfairly.
Sexual harassment



“Bothering someone in a sexual way”
“Unwanted sexual advances”
“Request for sexual favors in exchange
for a job promotion etc.”
COMMUNICATING POWER






Speaking Power
Avoid hesitation – uncertainty
Avoid too many intensifiers
(exaggeration)
Avoid disqualifiers – lack of
competence. But also truthfulness.
Avoid self-critical statements. “I am not
very good at…”
Avoid slang, vulgar expressions.
COMMUNICATING POWER





Nonverbal power
Use consistent packaging – do not
contradict yourself! (verbal – nonverbal
consistency)
Maintain eye contact!
Avoid vocalized pauses!
Avoid speaking too much and too fast.
Empowering others




Helping others to gain increased
power.
Share decision making. Be willing to
relinquish control and allow the other
person the freedom to make decisions.
Be constructively critical
Encourage growth.
Be supportive, open, etc.