Diagnostic Essay Notes
Masoni August 2010
Correction Shorthand
• S/V AGR = a problem with subject/verb
agreement (“the humans tries to…”)
• T = a problem with tense
• WW = wrong word
• FRAG = sentence fragment
• See the board for more.
Structure
• These need to be better structured in general,
and we will work on this. Commentaries are
meant to follow the basic “Intro-BodyConclusion” format. We will discuss in class
how this is different from an essay.
Judgment
• Try to avoid making critical judgments about
the poem or passage. While it is nice to see
that a student appreciates a piece of writing,
this kind of judgment is not the job of a
commentary. Keep your opinions to yourself.
– Avoid calling a work “well written.” Also try to
avoid calling an author’s practice “unique.”
Details
• Get your details straight! The woman in this
poem is not being compared to a fish: she is
being compared to a rock.
• This is Criterion A: Understanding of Text –
you will lose points if you make mistakes like
this.
SHOW, DON’T TELL
• “The setting seems to be a very holy location,
due to the white surroundings described in
line six.” – SHOW ME!
• “Also, the author is trying to emphasize the
sexual attractiveness of the woman by using
the motion with which she eats the ice
cream.” – SHOW ME!
• When including a quotation, the period goes
AFTER the citation.
Eg.: “Now the ice-cream is finished, is paid for.
The fish swim off on business: and she sits
alone at the table, a white stone” (25-27).
LINE BREAKS
• When quoting a poem, you need to include
line breaks in order to demonstrate where the
author originally broke (ended) the line.
Eg.: “Now the ice-cream is finished,/ is paid for.
The fish swim off on business:/ and she sits
alone at the table, a white stone” (25-27).
WEAK LANGUAGE
• Avoid weak language: words and phrases like
“I think” and “probably” have no place in your
commentary.
• State your argument as if it were true, and let
your audience decide, based on the evidence
you provide.
“LINE” vs. “QUOTATION”
• When referring to a specific part of a poem,
refer to it as a “line,” not as a “quotation.” It is
not a “quotation” until you have put it into
your paper! And a poet does not write
“quotations” – she writes lines.
• Please write out numbers (“seven”) instead of
using Arabic numerals (“7”), unless they are
years (“This poem was written in 1982”) or
they are citations (page numbers, line
numbers, etc…). There are a few other
instances we will discuss as they come up.
TENSE
• When referring to a piece of literature, it is
customary to refer to it in the present tense,
both in terms of the author and the piece of
literature itself (the characters, for instance).
Eg.: In this poem, Douglas refers to a woman,
whom he compares to a “white stone” (1).
Eg.: The woman is possibly a prostitute.
• Certain literary terms are always used in the
singular because they are uncountable nouns.
Some examples include:
– Imagery (NEVER imageries – use “images”)
– Personification (NEVER personifications – use
“examples of personification”)
THE COURTESAN
• Many of you commented that the woman in
the poem is most likely a courtesan. Many
others commented that the woman is most
likely a prostitute.
– 1. There is a difference between these two.
– 2. More importantly, NO ONE who asserted this
supported it with compelling evidence.
SPEAKER vs. AUTHOR
• Be careful when referring to the SPEAKER or
NARRATOR of the poem – this voice is
different from that of the AUTHOR (even
when it might not seem to be).
• In poetry we tend to refer to this voice as “the
speaker,” and in prose we tend to refer to it as
“the narrator,” or “the narrative voice.”
• The titles of poems go in quotation marks.
• The titles of short stories and essays go in
quotation marks.
• The titles of novels and plays get italicized
when you’re typing, and underlined when
you’re writing by hand.
• After identifying the author by her or his full
name, for the rest of the paper refer to the
author by his or her last name only.
• For example, your commentary could begin with
the line: In the poem “The Behaviour of Fish in an
Egyptian Tea Garden,” Keith Douglas uses a
variety of literary devices to convey his meaning.”
• After that, it should be just the last name: “In line
17, Douglas describes the captain.”
Incorporation of Quotations
• Make sure to incorporate your quotations into
your sentences well. Have a look at the
following example. How can you fix it?
– “Sink with spread fingers, lean along the table,
carmined in the end” (7-8). This sentence showed
really detailed movements of her.
The Introduction
• There needs to be an introduction to your
commentary. “In this poem/ passage, the
author ___(what the author does)___.” This
is the introduction to your argument, and it
doesn’t need to be long, but it MUST lay out
the “Big Idea” of your commentary.
• The alternative is just to jump right in with
your identification of literary features, which is
not effective.
The Introduction
• This introduction also needs to sketch how the
author does this, even if you are speaking very
generally (you will be more specific in the
body of your commentary).
• So part of your introduction might look like
this: In the poem “The Behaviour of Fish in an
Egyptian Tea Garden,” by Keith Douglas, the
author comments on the nature of modern
male/female relations by recasting a “tea
garden” as an aquarium. By using a number
of literary features, including elaborate
diction, extended metaphor and imagery, the
reader is made aware of the extent to which
women are objectified in this culture.
Reference to Text (RTT)
• Your IB grader will be noting exactly how
many lines from the poem/passage you refer
to. You MUST try to cover as much of it as
possible.
• Additionally, all of the comments you make on
the text need to relate to your main
argument. (See next slide!)
• Also, when you are referring to a line or to
multiple lines, reference the line number(s).
DEPTH
• You all need to work on coming up with arguments that are
sufficiently deep to let you talk about all of the poem.
• Bad: Douglas is trying to show us that this woman is a
prostitute.
• Good: Douglas is commenting on the relationships between
men and women in society, and specifically on the way that
men make women into objects.
• Bad: Douglas is telling us that humans and fish are not all
that different. We are the same.
• Good: By comparing humans to fish, Douglas manages to
show that human being are very much like animals,
particularly when it comes to how we attempt to attract
the opposite sex.
Argumentation
• EVERYONE needs to work on making clear,
succinct arguments about the passage. A few
of you made good arguments, and all of you
had some insights into the passage/poem, but
the majority of you did more identifying and
summarizing than arguing. This is the hard
part of writing a commentary, and we will
work hard on it this year.