Management Strategies for a Technological World:
A Martial Arts Guide to Successful Relationships
Ronald Paul Hill
610.306.1911
Ronald.Hill@villanova.edu
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Summary: Principles of martial arts have applicability for living our lives fully and cutting through
clutter that is keeping us from reaching our highest levels of interpersonal and professional success.
Overview: The ways in which we navigate our most important personal and professional relationships
have changed dramatically in the age of the Internet, Facebook, and LinkedIn, but our strategies for
managing their outcomes have not kept pace. We find that the sheer number of people whom we have
connections with are growing at a geometric rate, but their levels of intimacy and compassion are lower
than ever.
These same technologies now demand huge portions of our time as well, reducing our capacity to respond
adequately and accurately to the people who most need our attention. As a consequence, our interpersonal
lives suffer in ways that compromise the quality of our careers along with enduring friendships. There are
no simply or easy answers, but lessons learned and practices of the martial arts may provide guidance out
of this morass.
With its emphasis on pointed concentration and embracing the moment, the martial artist or warrior
recognizes what is important or nonessential in a particular moment through an egoless process of
discovery.
This book shows how basic to advanced martial arts thinking can help us best proceed through the
complex situations in which we find ourselves.
Felt need: Most people today, regardless of their generation, are struggling with how to organize and
prioritize relationships that have changed dramatically in our most recent technological age. This struggle
is almost universal in developed Western and Eastern economies, and many among us spend huge
portions of our waking hours treading the proverbial interpersonal waters with few feelings of
satisfaction. This book will give readers the framework and implementation strategies for managing
personal and professional relationships that will help them take control of and have greater peace with the
way these connections unfold over time.
Details: This book will be around 72,000 words. The introduction, first premise, and three initial
chapters have been written and the remaining chapters can be completed in a timely manner (no longer
than six months after signing a contract.) An artist, whose work is part of other projects developed by the
author, has agreed to provide appropriate drawings if requested.
The Market: This book has a large, general market appeal as we all have relationships in our lives. Yet
this book’s approach should be an important differentiating factor. While there are books on managing
relationships from personal or professional/business perspectives, few combine both or use the focused
concentration of the martial artist as the guiding principle.
Competitive analysis: There are no direct competitors to this book; however, there are a few
tangential offerings. For example, in the relationship-martial arts realm there are: The Art of Peace by
Morihei Ueshiba, Clearing Away Clouds: Nine Lessons For Life From The Martial Arts by Stephen
Fabian, Striking Thoughts: Bruce Lee's Wisdom for Daily Living by Bruce Lee. While in the relationshiptechnology realm there are: Alone Together: Why We Expect More from Technology and Less from Each
Other by Sherry Turkle, Personal Connections in the Digital Age (Digital Media and Society) by Nancy
Baym and The Breakup 2.0: Disconnecting over New Media by Ilana Gershon, but these mostly identify
the problem rather than seek to resolve it.
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About the author: Dr. Hill began his journey as a martial artist in earnest at 15 years of age, and earned
his first-degree black belt by 17. He spent the next seventeen years developing his skills, supporting these
physical efforts with weight-training and bicycling. The discipline and concentration of the arts allowed
him to pursue his studies with vigor, graduating near the top of his high school class and continuing his
education at the university level until he earned his doctoral degree in marketing and management.
Professor Hill has taught in seven different universities over the last 35 years, and he has published nearly
200 books, articles, conference papers, and chapters. He continues to train, write, give media interviews,
and present inspiring ideas before audiences around the world.
Author marketing: Besides work with hundreds of students per year at my institution and other
universities, I give talks regularly to management and executive audiences as an expert and motivational
speaker. Additionally, last winter I gave a presentation at Leading Authorities International, a professional
speaker consortium in Washington, DC that acts as my agent, about this book and its marketability at
large-venue conferences. They were very enthusiastic and are awaiting announcement of publication.
Finally, I have a lengthy history of live, taped, and print media interviews and am very comfortable before
the camera and with reporters. My university would work diligently to help support such media work for
this book, as would our professional public relations firm in NYC.
Chapter outline: The Introduction describes how we inhabit an interpersonal environment in which we
may fail to use the necessary powers of discrimination to separate important others from people who are
less relevant to our life goals, and to recognize how these others, as well as ourselves, change in subtle
ways over time. Add to this situation the forever-increasing “white noise” of the technological revolution,
and we have the ingredients for an existence on auto-pilot. Fortunately, there are ways to rise from the
ashes of our less vigilant selves and develop the skills necessary for a satisfying existence. The path is not
an easy one and may require mindfulness and focus beyond current levels of discipline. We may come to
view relationships in fresh ways, using skills that we did not realize are at our disposal right now. Instead
of feeling numb as we move from one situation or task to the next, we let go of preconceived notions of
people and contexts, and open our senses, mind, and actions to possibilities revealed in that moment
rather than from historic prejudices.
The concepts presented in Part I build from one to the next, starting with the simplest idea and moving
outward until each brick is laid one on top of the other and a cohesive understanding of initial engagement
is explained. The reader becomes the “warrior,” while others in our lives are viewed as “opponents.”
These labels do not assume that combat is the only metaphor for our relationships. On the contrary, our
hope is to live in complete harmony with the world. Yet maintaining such vigilance in all relationships
opens us to the full range of possible actions and reactions without ever being caught off guard.
Chapter 1 begins training by introducing single strikes, which symbolize the most important and subtle
elements and processes in our lives. In order to perfect them, novice warriors do them over and over
again, watching how their speed, range, and power grow over time. Yet the end point is never reached
since we continue to perform them even in advanced stages of development. Taken together, they
represent the different ways that our relationships involve doing the same things repeatedly, often without
necessary self-reflection to recognize how each interaction is unlike any before it. To truly know, we must
see changes unfold exactly as they do rather than as a mirror of past experiences.
Chapter 2 notes that martial artists should recognize the ability of their opponents to attack as well, and
they must be prepared to fend off attempts to gain an advantage. The concept is never force-meets-force
since that favors some parties’ native abilities over others. Instead, our blocking is used to move
opponents and/or weapons in ways that minimize our total efforts, to provide greatest possible protection,
and to make it difficult for them to follow up with other strikes. Our mindfulness of local surroundings
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should constantly monitor and test for signs of danger and possible lethal blows that may compromise our
goals and successes, so that we move in advance of intended impact.
In Chapter 3, we come to realize that single techniques also are practiced in various combinations. The
idea is that few first attacks are successful, especially if warriors are inexperienced relative to opponents
or opponents are well-versed in the martial arts. Thus, the key to successful encounters is coming up with
ways of stringing techniques together that maximize potential effectiveness without increasing
vulnerability. Discovery of all possibilities in combinations that may help us meet our relationship goals,
for example, yield us more options that can lead to success rather than represent pathways to failure.
In Chapter 4 we learn that even this vast arsenal does not cover every option since execution of our
techniques can be made less straightforward. Consider a practice—fakes—that act to modify what we do
and when we do it. Typically, an early part of a technique is revealed to the opponent and quickly
withdrawn, hoping to get them to overreact and become vulnerable to another weapon. More novice
martial artists are susceptible to their lure, but advanced warriors can be fooled with the right amount of
“tell.” Consider how our monkey minds run amok when we have very important future interactions,
allowing us to “test” reactions. How often does it go as planned and how often are we responding to a
fake? In fact, our overreaction may lead to an under-reaction to what actually is revealed, leaving us more
vulnerable.
Chapter 5 demonstrates the impossibility of constantly staying on offense or defense, recognizing that the
warrior moves between one and the other depending on what arises. Thus, while our practice of
striking/blocking gives opportunities to trial developing skills, application requires a delicate balance
between what we know from the past and what is known in the present.
The final two chapters of Part I (6 and 7) bring the warrior into the ring, where s/he faces an opponent
without typical controls of practice. In earlier stages, we tried a number of different moves that had
success while practicing striking and blocking, yet we learn quickly that structured exchanges have little
in common with the chaos of the ring. These experiences teach us to appreciate the ways different skills
work with different opponents, making us increasingly open as sparring begins. As time progresses, both
in one encounter with an opponent and over multiple encounters with a number of opponents, our
experiential base expands and our senses and reactions are heightened. We improve our ability to stay
focused over longer periods and acquire skills of maximal impact and recovery. The warrior never takes
for granted that any blow is effective enough to end the match. Quite the opposite, the expectation is that
an interaction will go on and demands vigilance that triggers various attacks and defensive maneuvers as
the situation requires. Our lives, then, are a series of events strung together in meaningful ways as we
engage others, disengage from them, and reengage with someone else. They are filled with opportunities
to improve important life skills through self-reflection without bias as to what works, what does not, and
why particular results manifest.
Part II shows that the path of the true warrior has no discernable end, and there should be no illusion of
completion. Instead, one continues to seek perfection recognizing that such an ideal is worth pursuing but
cannot be achieved. Note that the ordering of martial art belts moves from lighter colors to darker colors
as the student advances (e.g., white to green to brown to black). Thus, students will travel from blank
slates to ones fully covered with ideas, concepts, and physical skills. But black belts also must remember
that they will never reach the “top of the mountain.” As a consequence, advanced warriors move in the
opposite direction and go back toward the light/white through added lessons grounding us in the reality of
our everyday lives rather than fleeting glory from the past.
Chapter 8 fine tunes our understanding of ways to enhance capabilities regardless of opponent, including
critical distance and angle of attack. The former pushes the warrior to increase the distance from which
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s/he can launch techniques in order to maintain a safety zone between the self and opponent. The latter
reveals the nearly infinite number of approach points when targets are considered along either straight
lines or circles. In the end, we learn to use these diverse ways of attack to advance our personal and
professional relationships by opening our aperture and repertoire to a broader set of options.
Chapter 9 notes the importance of the physical layout of our encounters. Given the terrain where
interactions occur varies widely, advanced warriors need to practice their arts in a number of different
surroundings to improve effectiveness of various techniques across locations. As a result, the warrior in
each of us must appreciate that the self is a fluid and dynamic entity capable of morphing its senses,
actions, and reactions to aspects of the physical and emotional circumstances.
In Chapter 10 we are reminded that our repertoire is designed to defeat opponents through a series of
damaging blows. However, advanced practitioners recognize that exchanges may not end in an early
triumph, seeking advantage in lieu of disposal. This strategy means that striking and blocking take on
different meanings such as opponent containment designed to constrict forward-backward and side-toside movements as well as the capacity to strike. As opponents concede restriction in actions and
reactions, they may arrive at the conclusion that relative advantage is less likely to emerge. Yet the
warrior has opened up greater possibilities for the self, including increased access to the local terrain and
more freedom to maneuver.
Chapter 11 shows the most difficult encounters are when opponent strengths and weaknesses match up
with ours. As a result, advanced warriors prepare for encounters by spending time correcting weaknesses
to yield fewer advantages to opponents. Further, warriors must quickly come to appreciate the relative
strengths and weaknesses of opponents in the ring, while also seeking to mask their skills and
deficiencies. If opponents believe that a true advantage does not exist through false signals, their
capabilities can be significantly reduced. At the same time, the warrior must have a realistic knowing of
opponent weaknesses in order to ensure that the right attacks are forthcoming.
Chapter 12 reveals that advanced warriors do not expect to win all encounters, even if skill levels are high
and awareness sharp. Thus, we may seek to end a particular conflict and go to a neutral corner to begin
anew at another time. The goal of this respite is not to over-think what happened or wallow in self-defeat,
but to arise from lulls in action with renewed energy to take the opponent by storm. Thus, what did not
work previously or the unexpected advantages of the opponent are used to reorient our striking and
blocking. We are best served by an egoless understanding and skillful use of feedback to shape our
thinking, actions, and strategies, acknowledging that the battle may be lost but the war ultimately won.
Chapter 13 describes relationships between warriors and opponents as fluid and ranging from extreme and
violent conflict to a tentative truce that may even involve cooperation. The former stage is likely to
happen earlier in their associations and the latter only after one comes to dominate the other or a more
profound situation galvanizes mutual interests. Naturally, this fluidity means that conflict may arise again,
leading to acrimony at or beyond former levels. Such a dynamic character requires warriors to be
prepared for many contingencies, using advanced sensitivities to read cues in the environment for shifts
between conflict and cooperation. Advanced warriors do not take changes personally, learning instead to
use them to their advantage.
Chapter 14 includes conflicts with multiple participants. Under such conditions, warriors must assess
relative advantages and disadvantages of both positions, seeking ways to join matches that maximize the
likelihood of their sides winning the day. They may move away from primary to secondary skills, or from
offensive to defensive tactics, depending on what best serves partnerships. Once again, the goal is not to
prop up the ego by playing a prominent role, but to support joint efforts and help seize victory.
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Our final segment is Part III, which leads us to the conclusion that the warrior path requires an
enlightened mind, body, and spirit that operate in concert with one another. The mind processes subtle
and conflicting data absorbed by the senses in ways that do not distort what is occurring because of past
biases or egoism. For the warrior to persevere, the spirit must dwell on a higher plane that elevates the
self above the dynamic everyday world, not to protect a fixed image but to support the short-term and
long-term goals of a successful life. Thus, our very existence is dependent upon an open mind that acts
and reacts to the vigilant body through fulfillment of the spirit.
Chapter 15 recommends that the warrior find a way that is your way. At this level, our winning and losing
become fleeting illusions that must not cloud the present with the past. Each experience is another
opportunity to learn rather than succeed or fail since the end is never in sight and growth and development
happen in the now. Spirit of the warrior is the focus of our energies, and it must be nurtured by
continuous reflection on the self in the presence of others as they are in each moment. The nearly
unlimited distractions no longer pass through the filter of our senses because they have no value to the
primary task of living. The enlightened warrior seeks a very simple existence that is free of normal
limitations on thinking, feeling, and doing. The boundaries imposed on us by time and place no longer
apply as we live our lives with unlimited patience, secure in the understanding that we are as we are.
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SAMPLE CHAPTER
The Subtle Beauty of the Single Technique
There are few things in life as wonderful as a simple act in perfection. Consider a time when you
caught a wave at its peak while bodysurfing in the ocean, moving as one until you reached the shore. Or
consider a math problem where the answer seemed to reveal itself without conscious effort. As a final
example, consider a local race when your legs lifted themselves, effortlessly propelling you forward for
mile after mile. These times are special because they rise above the ordinary. We speak about being “in
the zone” or “going with the flow,” but the experiences themselves transcend even these descriptions.
Yet such instances should come as no surprise to us since they occur only after weeks, months, or years
of trying to improve our current levels of proficiency. True, even a beginning tennis player can deliver an
“ace” serve once-in-awhile, but the ability to do so on a more regular basis usually requires swinging the
racket thousands of times. Of course, truly gifted or natural athletes in particular sports may reach this
pinnacle earlier and more regularly, but even they typically must work at it.
Warriors learn this important lesson early in their martial arts training. Single techniques often
are taught in steps or stages, creating a discontinuity of movement like a splint on a broken leg. It only
serves a purpose in the short-term and must be reconstructed if an effective move is to emerge. The
first few attempts seem awkward and unnatural as the body tries to respond to mental commands that
ask for the impossible. Many novice warriors experience frustration when they look at more advanced
practitioners and see a level of expertise that is so far above their capabilities. Some quit trying because
of the mistaken belief that they are unable to do much better. Those who persevere are rewarded with
large gains in prowess as they perform the same techniques over-and-over, again-and-again. At some
point in their development, they begin to mold the movements in subtle ways that give them ownership
of these attacks and are consistent with their bodies and minds. This repertoire should expand as they
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physically and emotionally mature in the arts. The easier-to-do techniques are still practiced, but more
difficult movements are given greater effort if they truly wish to advance.
Initially, warriors benchmark with those around them and try to follow the commands and
assimilate the advice of their instructor or sensei. The patterns for training in basic movements are
repeated in many classes, and participants should come to view these sessions as opportunities to
reexamine their current levels of readiness and look for nuanced changes in their delivery no matter
how small. They eventually stop using others in class as role models, instead focusing their complete
attention on their own execution. The internal noise that consumes much of their days and external
distractions that bombard them even at the studio or dojo evaporate around them, as they provide
themselves with nearly instantaneous feedback in the short time between techniques. If an almost
“perfect” delivery occurs, their excitement levels soar and they reward themselves with additional
psychic energy. From performing techniques alone to meeting their opponents in the ring, warriors
should seek to find the same competency across all possible venues. Once, if ever, achieved, they
ultimately are able to rid themselves of thinking about techniques in favor of “no mind.”
Yet as such prowess increases and variation in execution decreases, they may be lulled into
believing they have arrived near the “final” destination. As each trial becomes more similar to the last
and is performed at a level of capability consistent with desires, they may lapse into complacency that
ends their vigilance. This situation manifests as a form of narcissism that does not serve warriors in their
needs for continued development. Instead, they should move from “no mind” to “open mind,” whereby
each execution requires broadening of sensory perceptions to ensure that the most subtle nuances that
signal change are detected. Their observations of the newest practitioners to the most advanced martial
artists become ever-more refined, as they attentively seek novel details that help them renew their
commitment to perfection. Of course, even the most accomplished warriors must reconcile their
progress with age, not yielding to time in a linear fashion but understanding that the body and mind
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inevitably change over the years with or without their recognition. Thus, positive adaptation requires
acceptance of what is revealed within and outside the warrior in each moment across time and space.
This maturation of single techniques from uncoordinated attempts to very near perfection is an
opportunity for warriors to experience mindfulness for the first time. In practical terms, being mindful
requires developing both vigilance and a “hurried patience.” The former is a focused-openness to even
small ways of advancing execution of techniques, regardless of where, when, and how such information
is revealed. The latter suggests that warriors must always desire to improve their abilities, but with the
recognition that absolute perfection is an impossible goal that also is worthy of our strivings. Taken as a
whole, warriors must constantly seek what they cannot find by getting closer to this unattainable ideal.
The irony of this circumstance in not lost on the warrior, who eventually comes to realize that it is not in
the achieving that growth occurs but in the striving. This is different from the journey versus end of the
road dichotomy since the journey alone is not enough. Instead, it is the illusion of the end of the road
that drives the warrior forward and defines the journey as continuous progress in the right direction.
This perspective should always hold true for warriors who will accept nothing less than flawlessness.
Our professional lives may follow a similar developmental path, although we may not recognize
it. Consider, once again, the moment of birth. We exit the womb into a cold and unforgiving world that
demands at the outset that we take our first breath. Typically, this first inhalation followed by exhalation
causes enormous discomfort, leading the newborn to wail loudly. This expression is greeted by parents
and attending medical personnel with relief since it suggests the child is “well,” but it seems unlikely the
little one would express agreement. While scientists are unsure about the level of conscious awareness
of a developing fetus, it is clear that moving from the mother’s internal environment to independent
living must represent a shocking change of circumstances. Yet it is remarkable that within a few minutes
and after the baby is cleaned, wrapped, and presented to the parents, that this crying usually stops and
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moves to gentle noises, expressions, and the desire to feed. As before, it is difficult to “know” what is
going on inside this continuously expanding mind and body, but the adaptation and survival of most
newborns suggest that they have enormous instinctual powers of adjustment to their new situations.
Of course, this critical event only marks the beginning of a lifetime journey that, for better or for
worse, marches onward until retirement. Along the way, so many positive and negative experiences
happen that it is hard to separate the most important from the least influential, and we often seem to
lose our way only to find a path that leads us forward. Consider three large groupings of experiences on
which success or failure turns, in part, on our willingness to perfect the “single technique” that helps
resolve what pathways are available to us. The first is our schooling, which may begin as early as a year
or two old. While all levels within academe talk about cross-disciplinary thinking, the focus remains on
individual skills developed in specialized classes. For example, consider how you learned basic math such
as how to multiply. One of your parents may have sat with you and raised cards with the problem on the
front and the solution on the back. For most of us, the task of answering these questions in a random
order was initially very daunting, leading occasionally to tears and the desire to quit. However, over time
their solutions became easier to discern, popping into our heads as if originating from somewhere else.
There are an almost endless number of examples that follow these same processes. Spelling is
another skill area that causes students fits, especially in the beginning. Like with introductory math, our
ability to “spell” words correctly (rather than phonetically or using spell-check on our computers) does
not appear to be as innate to humans as the spoken word. As a consequence and like the multiplication
tables, we end up memorizing words/problems on a regular basis so that we can replicate them during
testing. More importantly, our capacity to grow in these two critical areas helps determine our reading
and technical skills, which often are used for placement in more advanced courses and potential colleges
and subsequent careers. Yet the mind-numbing nature of such skill development elicits little reflection
by students, and the ways they come together often escape our attention until it seems too late to
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change our emphases. Hollywood movies that take actors back to their schooling invariably focus on
improving their social status among their peers. However, in the “real world” most of us wish we had
given more attention to our studies, which may have opened up options for us that appear to be closed
at a later date when our responsibilities are larger than ever.
Another set of experiences comes from our early participation in sports up until or beyond high
school. Take Little League Baseball as an example. After introductions to the sport such as T-ball, any
further involvement requires tryouts, whereby coaches and more advanced players examine the basic
skill sets of potential team members that include catching a fly ball, fielding a grounder, and hitting a
pitch from home plate. Typically, candidates get just a few times to show their abilities, causing more
anxiety than motivation for players. Those young people who perform well according to the standards
set by parents and coaches may receive verbal praise or positive body language; those who do not are
given little feedback or damning with faint praise like “good try” and “you’ll get the next one.” In the
end, many of us come away from these experiences by defining our relationship to athletic events, with
some reaching the conclusion they have little, if any, physical prowess. The more successful individuals
grow in self-esteem, but may change their minds if the level of competition rises as they mature. Either
way, they lose sight of the beauty of the single technique in lieu of the “noise” of competition.
Our final grouping involves our work experiences. During schooling or part-time jobs, we often
are asked to perform rather mundane activities over-and-over again that appear to do little to advance
our skills and abilities. At first, these tasks seem rather daunting since they may involve using unfamiliar
technology like a cash register or a dishwashing machine. However, unless we suffer from some form of
cognitive and/or physical disability, we eventually acclimate and go into a type of remote control at the
job, giving limited attention to the tasks at hand. If we are fortunate enough to move up the ladder over
time or after more advanced education, we take on higher-order functions that build upon these early
skills even if we do not realize it. Showing up on time, dressing and grooming appropriately, navigating
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our relations with peers and supervisors, and treating customers or clients with respect despite their
temperaments are important lessons that mirror in many ways the single techniques described earlier.
Yet our lack of awareness may have caused us to miss out on opportunities to fine tune skills starting at
our first jobs, with the realization of their importance to our long-term careers.
Our personal lives may run according to similar trajectories. From our first day onward, we are
to meet a series of implicit and explicit expectations from our parents, siblings, relatives, and friends. In
the beginning, breathing, eating, and urinating/defecating are enough. Such elementary bodily functions
come to represent signs of good health and, along with normal weight gains and occasional crying, show
that a child is developing properly. As time passes, we continue to receive (often mixed) messages from
these important others to our initial steps and words, accidents in our pants without diapers, hugs and
kisses, temper tantrums at the mall, first day(s) at school, etc. Emotional reactions vary by person and
event, and include love, anger, fear, compassion, disappointment, pride, and jealousy. The actions that
follow are equally diverse from physical affection and punishment, to negative criticisms and praise, to
removing resources and giving gifts. Children must assimilate all of this feedback through their senses,
process cognitive and emotional responses, and react/not react as a result. Yet these sensory systems
are not fully developed and responses may vary or be delayed, making what to do and when confusing.
One of the principal difficulties is that our significant others may not really know what they want
from us or may be experiencing conflict about their desires and expectations. For instance, parents may
struggle with independence exerted by their children as they mature, expressing positive feelings when
they make courageous decisions to study abroad during college but simultaneously worrying about their
ability to navigate adult venues in a foreign culture. Siblings may vary as well, with younger brothers and
sisters hoping to do the same while older siblings are jealous since they did not have this option. When
we add in the nearly endless parade of loved ones (friends, lovers, husbands, wives, children, in-laws),
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we find that role responsibilities and their associated behavioral expectations are increasingly difficult to
manage. We disappoint our mothers by joining high school football teams but receive only smiles from
our fathers who hope to relive their glory days. In-laws are saddened that grandchildren are not around
at Christmas but our parents are delighted to have us visit for this special holiday. Thus, it may seem like
meeting the desires of one may leave others unhappy with or even angry at us.
As we age, this amalgamation of dictates, emotions, and reactions begins to take on a life of its
own, often causing us to feel and act in certain ways without much conscious thought. A few examples
may help. I served on a nonprofit board with a former executive from a large technology firm who was
independently wealthy when he finally sold off his stock options and decided to retire in order to spend
more time with his family. He regularly accompanied his wife on trips to the supermarket, always on the
lookout for “good deals” to save money. One of his favorite places was the dented and missing label
goods shopping carts in the back of the store. He would always come up with a few possibilities, only to
have them returned by his wife. His usual response was that they could not live so “high on the hog,”
with the day of reckoning just around the corner. His exasperated spouse one day went into his office
and brought back his investment portfolio and showed him the grand total. At first, he tried to resist the
logic of her argument about their ability to afford expensive items until he realized his words mimicked
his father’s more reasonable concern based on a significantly lower income.
What happens with many of us is a continuous feeling that we are not doing the right thing at
the right time. We begin to experience life as an endless series of unfulfilling tasks that require us to
keep moving from one to the next as soon as possible. The only real sensation is the desire to get them
over with as rapidly as possible so that we keep disappointment down to a minimum. I’ll never forget a
very talented female colleague who returned to work six weeks to the day after her first child was born,
in the belief that educated and thoughtful women should be able to meet both sets of requirements
without much difficulty. She tried coming to the office four instead of five days a week and putting in
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longer hours during that stretch. On the other hand, the three days in a row with her newborn child
would allow time to bond like a stay-at-home mother. However, she eventually found that at work she
missed her son desperately, who was becoming increasingly attached to the nanny. Yet her time away
from the office made her feel left out of the many events occurring in her absence. It was not until she
realized this “compromise” was an attempt to have a home presence like her mother but a successful
career like her father that she understood the impossibility of satisfying all her personal desires.
One of the underlying problems is that most of us fail to be vigilant about each individual role
requirement (“single technique”) that comes to us as expectations from our loved ones. Some are first
experienced near birth, others later in life, but our ability to separate them out, look at them as they are
in an adult context, refine our responses, and remain mindful about their possible impact are lacking.
Unfortunately, as we mature our tendency may be to make peace with ourselves and choose one path
or another based on the lesser of several evils. Much like the narcissism of the advanced warrior, we
may come to believe that our self-knowledge is complete since we no longer seem to struggle with our
pasts or worry about our futures. A psychologist I know told me that she increasingly deals with middleaged patients who are resigned to their stations in life, trading their futures for a world without anxiety.
Of course, this perspective leaves them in a form of relationship limbo that promises nothing other than
stagnation. Giving up may seem like the answer, but it places people in the untenable position of having
little to expect from the remainder of their existences.
While the primary purpose of this book is enlightenment, there are several ways in which we
can seek to make our personal and professional lives better. Three are provided, advancing from easiest
to accomplish to requiring considerable time and dedication. The first two necessitate returning to the
breath. The least demanding asks that we rise each day and end each night with a five-minute reflection.
In the morning, sit up slowly in your bed and close your eyes, observing the breath at the point where it
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enters and exits your nose. Do not try to control the rapidity of your breathing, just watch it come and
go. Thoughts and feelings will try to force their way into your consciousness and distract you from your
focus. Simply note them without attachment and return to the task. When your five minutes are over,
embrace the present moment and begin the day’s first task at a slower pace than usual, seeing how long
you can stay with the breath before you get lost in the world of activities. Also, right before you lie down
to sleep, close your eyes while sitting up comfortably in bed and find the breath for a second time. Once
again, watch it come and go and see how the day’s events invade the mind. Decide not to engage any of
them. Lie down and see how long you can follow the breath before you fall asleep.
The second exercise requires more vigilance because it happens in the heat of the moment. Find
one task in the morning and one in the evening that are at least somewhat important to your personal
or professional success and involve interactions with one or more persons. Before entering the meeting
or conversation, ask yourself what your primary goal is for this encounter. Many possibilities may come
to mind, but you must select the most important and make it your principal focus throughout the entire
exchange. Reflect upon it for a few minutes prior to the discussion, repeating its essence as the breath
flows in and out of your body. Time the content of this reminder so that it is completed by the end of a
complete exhalation, and use the inhalation for peaceful quietude. When the event begins, concentrate
on your breathing, taking note of how it changes according to the quality of interactions occurring in the
room. When possible, repeat your “mantra,” letting it guide your thoughts and feelings in the moment.
Be mindful of any possible reactions before they happen, and try to avoid doing anything that is counter
to your goal for the exchange. When it is completed, return to the breath and your principal focus. Did
things go as planned? Let the answer go and move to the next task unencumbered by the outcome.
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The third exercise is much more time consuming but is worth the effort. It may take a few hours
to accomplish and is best completed over a few days. Start by listing each of the individual “selves” that
you have amassed over your lifetime. Be as specific as possible; for instance, rather than “son” go with
“son to a father” and “son to a mother.” When the list is complete, decide which ones are in your top
ten. It is very important that you are honest with yourself during this process or it will have little value.
Thus, if you have grandparents that you rarely see because you do not enjoy their company, have the
courage to remove them from your list. Some people struggle with the personal versus professional
intertwining of individual roles, often saying that their family and friends are priceless but work is an
unpleasant necessity. (Yet they continue to miss children’s games, forget siblings’ birthdays, and avoid
most holiday gatherings!) If you have many close relatives or friends that you wish to include, you may
“chunk” them into categories as long as the centerpiece of these relationships is identical. Also, if you
find that your top ten selves are entirely personal after considerable soul-searching, proceed with the
realization that work has little meaning for you and may require other adjustments over time.
The next step is to determine the primary purpose for each of these roles. This task is difficult as
well since many of our pairings are complex. Nonetheless, it is important to this exercise that you come
up with just one, consistent with the single technique theme of this chapter. Make sure that it is specific
enough to be easily grasped and followed. An example might be helpful. An adult man who is the son of
a mother once noted that his purpose for this relationship was to “love” her. However, many questions
arose as to its suitability. Is it okay just to feel love without any overt actions? Does his mother act as the
arbiter of his accomplishments? At any rate, what is “love?” With sufficient feedback, he recognized that
this choice was a reflection of his upbringing by a mother who was insecure about her relationship with
her children, constantly asking for reaffirmation from the time he was old enough to speak and into his
adult life. He now realized that it was not his job to enable his mother’s insecurities, especially as a small
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child. Free of his guilt for “not loving her as much as he should,” the relationship and role responsibilities
moved to a different level with the purpose to reveal his honest thoughts and actions when together.
After the listing of roles and goals is complete, they must be rank ordered according to relative
importance. This portion of the exercise also is difficult since many of us labor under the belief that our
children are equal in our minds or we love our parents the same. One facilitator uses “Sophie’s Choice”
to decide priorities, asking who you would save from drowning if you could only haul one back into the
ship. A more pleasant method involves finding something of value that cannot be shared and deciding
who between the two should receive it. Regardless, the end result must be an ordering from one to ten,
which now represents your perspectives and priorities. Many participants who complete this initial step
find it useful to place the selves in order along with a short form of the relationship guide on a small
laminated card that fits into their wallets. In the beginning, they refer to it regularly prior to interactions
to decide what to do if several encounters vie for their time and attention, or how to orient themselves
when together. Over time, the card recedes into the background as its meaning is fully understood and
passes the test of time. Of course, true vigilance requires revisiting the process as our priorities shift.
It may serve you best by walking through how this exercise operates once completed. You are
sitting at your desk at work and receive two emails, one from your brother inviting you to his son’s first
birthday party, and the other from a colleague asking if you want to join her and the rest of your work
team for happy hour on the same evening. This particular sibling also is your best friend, and you have
prioritized him above all work relationships. Therefore, you agree to attend the party, fully realizing that
you will also see other relatives that may or may not be on your list. Before leaving your car to enter his
home, you look at the card and cover the priorities for all the relevant people who will be in attendance.
You seek your breath to orient your mindfulness, watching inhalations and exhalations until you feel in
the moment. You approach the door vigilant to your purposes and the interpersonal cues arising and
falling away over the course of the event. You are thoughtful about who you speak with, how long you
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interact, and what you seek from these interactions. You recognize opportunities to meet your needs
and priorities but, like the novice warrior, you may not have fully developed the skills necessary to take
advantage of such openings. These times are noted as developmental experiences and let go.
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