Friendship, Love &
Commitment
Michael Itagaki
Sociology 275, Marriage and Family
The Importance of Love

Love is essential.
 Love


is both a feeling and an activity.
The paradox of love
Perfection vs. Meaning
Love and American Families


Foundation for marriage, criterion for
spousal selection.
Character of love.
 Love
is the criterion for choosing a spouse.
 Love is uncontrollable and irrational.

Homogamy
 The
tendency to marry people much like
oneself.
Friendship, Love and
Commitment

Friendship
 Foundation

Love
 Draws

people together, sustains them
Commitment
 Stable

for love and commitment
factors that maintain the relationship
Love and commitment are related, but can
exist without the other.
Friendship, Love and
Commitment

Friendship and love bind us together
 Best
friends: similar to spouse and lover
relationships
 Lovers covet exclusiveness
 Friendship appears to be the foundation for a
strong love relationship.
Friendship, Love and
Commitment

Gender differences and love
 Differences
in number and nature of
friendships
 Men are more open in cross-sex friendships
 Men fall in love more quickly than women
Friendship, Love and
Commitment

Gender exceptions: Love between equals
 Peer
marriage: Built on equity, equality and deep
friendship.
 Deep
friendship
• Valuing companionship
• Produces intimacy and mutual respect
Central Attributes of Love






Trust
Caring
Honesty
Friendship
Respect
Concern for the
other’s well-being






Loyalty
Commitment
Acceptance of the
other
Supportiveness
Wanting to be with
the other
Interest in the other
Central Attributes of Commitment






Loyalty
Responsibility
Living up to your word
Faithfulness
Trust
Being there for the
other in good and bad
times






Devotion
Reliability
Giving your best
effort
Supportiveness
Perseverance
Concern about the
other’s well-being
Feelings Identifying Love
Rubin’s four feelings identifying love:
1.
2.
3.
4.
Caring for the other
Needing the other
Trusting the other
Tolerating the other
Friendship, Love and
Commitment

Other Research on Love
 Romantic
love expressed by:
 Verbally/physically
expressing affection
 Self
disclosing
 Giving material/non-material evidence
 In
love? More positive world view
Behaviors Expressing Love
Swensen’s expressions of romantic love:
1.
Verbally expressing affection
2.
Self-disclosing, revealing intimate facts
3.
Offer emotional support
4.
Expressing nonverbal feelings (happiness, etc…)
5.
Giving material evidence: gifts, favors
6.
Physically expressing love
Important Factors in
Commitment
1.
2.
3.
Balance of costs to benefits
Normative inputs: Values about love
Structural constraints: Roles and
expectations
Observations, Research
on Commitment
1.
2.
3.
4.
Commitments are more likely to endure in
marriage
Commitments are more likely to endure in
heterosexual relationships
Enduring marriage is not always a happy
one
Overlap between love and commitment
Wheel Theory of Love
Love develops and is maintained through four
processes:
1.
Rapport
2.
Self-revelation
3.
Mutual dependency
4.
Fulfillment of intimacy needs
Reiss’s Wheel Theory of Love
Triangular theory of love

Views love as consisting of three
components:
 Intimacy
Ten Signs of Intimacy
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
Wanting to promote your partner’s welfare.
Feeling happiness with your partner.
Holding your partner in high regard.
Being able to count on your partner in time of
need.
Being able to understand each other.
Ten Signs of Intimacy
6.
7.
8.
9.
10.
Sharing yourself and your possessions with your
partner.
Receiving emotional support from your partner.
Giving emotional support to your partner.
Being able to communicate with your partner
about intimate things.
Valuing your partner’s presence in your life.
Triangular theory of love

Views love as consisting of three
components:
 Intimacy
 Passion
 Decision/commitment
Triangular Theory of Love
Commitment, Passion, and
Intimacy
Type
Commitment
Passion
Intimacy
Liking
-
-
+
Infatuation
–
+
–
Empty love
+
–
–
Romantic love
Companionate love
Fatuous love
–
+
+
+
–
+
+
+
–
Consummate love
+
+
+
Attachment Theory of Love


Views love as being similar in nature to
attachments we form as infants.
The attachment (love) styles of both infants
and adults are:
 Secure
 Anxious/ambivalent
 Avoidant
Styles of Unrequited Love
 Cyrano style: Desire for a relationship
regardless of how hopeless.

Anxious/ambivalents
 Giselle style: Misperception that a
relationship is likely to develop.

Secure
 Don Quixote style: Desire to be in love.

Avoidants
Jealousy



Occurs because of a partner’s real, imagined, or
likely involvement with a third person.
Most likely in committed relationships because of
the presumed “specialness” of the relationship.
Fear of loss, coupled with insecurity, increases the
likelihood of jealousy.