Act One.
(Cathy-Anne is standing in front of a flipchart with butcher paper on it. She is setting up
a small table with clipboard, pens, forms, nametags etc. The chair beside the table is an
office chair on wheels. She has a large handbag which contains a mobile phone. Five
plastic chairs are arranged facing the flipchart.)
Cathy-Anne: (muttering and reading from her cue-cards) Remember our slogan, I will
take my life…bugger…I will take CONTROL of my life; it won’t take control of me. I will
take control of my life; it won’t take control of me. (She fusses with nametags, smoothes
her clothes, practices a sickly welcoming smile. Mobile rings in handbag. She answers it
irritably.) Yes Barry? (Pause.) No, Barry. (Glances at entrance.) I am not discussing my
ovaries with you now, Barry. I am NOT being insensitive, Barry. It’s not MY fault you
can’t get me pregnant. (Pause.) Boxer shorts Barry, I’ve told you repeatedly, they need
to be able to breathe. Yes, well I know you don’t like the dangling sensation, but I can’t
get pregnant on my own, you do have to do SOMETHING to contribute.
(Bella and Josie enter upstage. Cathy-Anne sees them, hangs up abruptly and puts
mobile back in handbag.)
Bella: Hello love. Who are you then?
Cathy-Anne: (offering her hand and smiling exaggeratedly) I’m Cathy-Anne. Cathy with
a c, Anne with an e, hyphenated.
Bella: Where’s Janine?
Cathy-Anne: Janine is visiting family in London, so she booked me to come along and
do a presentation to the group.
Bella: Visiting family? Another facelift more like. (Bella and Josie snigger)
Cathy-Anne: I’m sorry; I didn’t catch your names.
Bella: I’m Bella, this is Josie.
Josie: Hello. (She gives a little wave.)
Cathy-Anne: Lovely, now I can tick you off on my list. (Consulting her clipboard) Josie,
tick. (She slaps a sticky nametag saying Josie on her chest.) Bella? I take it you're
Annabella?
Bella: No love, it’s Bella.
Cathy-Anne: Oh. Well, I was given a list by Janine and it DOES say Annabella.
Bella: (pointedly) I prefer Bella… (Muttering) …as Janine well knows.
Cathy-Anne: But I’ve already done the nametags.
Josie: (Indicating her nametag.) See, we have nametags!
Cathy-Anne: Well, for tonight we’ll just use your full name. (She goes to slap a nametag
on Bella’s chest.)
Bella: (avoiding the nametag) Now look here, Cathy-Anne with a b.i.t.c.…
Josie: (jumping in) … er couldn't we just change the nametag?
(Cathy-Anne looks irritated, Bella smirks.)
Cathy-Anne: Well Josie we could… I mean, I WAS given a list of names and I HAVE
allocated nametags as per that list, but if Bella is insistent on abbreviations then I’m
sure I can be a little flexible. (She rummages dramatically in her bag for a marker pen). I
know there's one here somewhere. (Pointedly) No, don't worry, it's no trouble at all.
(Although it clearly is) Really, NO trouble. (She finds pen) Aah, here we are. (Smiling
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falsely) Now would you prefer Anna, Belle, Bella, or perhaps just “B”? I’d hate to be
thought difficult…
Bella: (Smiling sweetly.) Just Bella will be fine, love.
Cathy-Anne: (Crossing out the Anna on the tag aggressively and slapping it on Bella’s
chest.) There. (Her mobile rings, she answers.) What, Barry? (Glaring at Bella) or would
you prefer Bazza? (Sigh.) Nothing, Barry. (Pause.) Yes, of course I'm busy, Barry.
(Pause.) No Barry, loose y-fronts are NOT the same. (Pause.) Well, you can deal with
my mother the next time she asks why I’m STILL not pregnant and explain to her that
it’s because of your aversion to the dangle-factor, as you so tastefully put it. (Bella and
Josie are listening in fascination.) It’s the velour bar stools all over again isn’t it? I TOLD
you that the fabric needed to be able to cope with spray and wipe and a damp cloth, but
you wouldn’t listen! (Pause – to Bella) Why don’t you take a seat, ladies? We’ll be
starting shortly. (Josie goes to sit in the front row, but Bella gets her to move to the back
row instead. They sit, clearly still listening.) Barry, I am hanging up now. I will be
checking re the underwear situation when I get home, so they’d better be dangling with
abandon or I’ll have them in a vice! (She calms herself with a couple of deep breaths
and plasters on a smile and turns to face Josie and Bella.)
Cathy-Anne: Right, where were we...I’m Cathy-Anne. Cathy with a c, Anne with an... oh
yes, we’ve covered that.
Josie: Was that your husband?
Cathy-Anne: What?
Bella: Barry – on the phone.
Cathy-Anne: No, we're not married. He's my partner. (Looks at watch) Where are the
others? They should be here by now, I WAS told 6.30pm sharp.
Bella: They’ll be here. We don’t stand on ceremony too much.
Cathy-Anne: I hope they aren't going to be too late. Poor timekeeping is a sign of an
untidy mind, you know.
Bella: (Doubtfully.) Is that right?
Cathy-Anne: (Firmly.) According to the latest research from the U.S, yes, it is.
Josie: Aaah, but that's a different country, so their brains are different.
Cathy-Anne: (Not sure if she is being made fun of.) Hmm... possibly. (Checking watch.)
Well, I do have a schedule to cover. (Patronisingly) I don’t just make it up as I go along
you know.
Josie: Make what up?
Cathy-Anne: What?
Bella: You haven’t actually told us what you’re here for yet.
Cathy-Anne: (flustered) Oh, I thought I had. Erm… it’s a presentation on …(going into
"presenter mode") self-improvement through aspiration, motivation and …
Bella: Medication?
Cathy-Anne: (pointedly) Empowerment.
Bella: (dryly) Aaah – we’ll look forward to that then.
Josie: Is this one of those things where you yell at us all for being fat? ‘Cause I saw this
thing on the telly where all these fat people were being screamed at by this really skinny
woman with pointy elbows and two weeks later they’d all lost two stone and had new
boyfriends and one was even dating a dentist. (Bella and Josie look at Cathy-Anne
expectantly.)
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Cathy-Anne: No. It’s NOT like that. Our program aims to motivate, empower and ..er…
aspire. Our slogan is (carefully) I will take control of my life, it won’t take control of me.
Bella: (nudging Josie.) Don’t mind being controlled myself. (They snigger.)
Cathy-Anne: (sniffing.) Yes, quite. (Pause.) So, are you both married, then?
(There is an awkward pause. Josie looks at Bella in concern.)
Josie: I live with my Mum.
Bella: (Glaring at Cathy-Anne.) I need the loo. (She exits to the Ladies.)
Cathy-Anne: Something I said?
Josie: We don't talk about Bella's husband.
Cathy-Anne: (Lowering her voice.) Oh dear, what was it? Heart attack? Cancer?
Josie: Not exactly. (Conspiratorial.) Bella's husband Donnie was a big motorbike
enthusiast and they used to travel all over to rallies and things.
Cathy-Anne: Oh dear. He crashed the bike?
Josie: No, twenty years of marriage and two sons later, he ups and leaves her for a
member of a bikey-gang called Hammer.
Cathy-Anne: (Sniggers.) No wonder she seems so bitter!
Josie: No, Bella's lovely really. It's just best not to mention Donnie...(Pause)...or
bikers...(Pause)... or Harley Davidsons.
Cathy-Anne: (Smirking.) I'll try to remember that.
Josie: In fact, I'd recommend avoiding any reference to two-wheeled vehicles in
general.
(Bella re-enters.)
Bella: I see that Constance has been economising on the loo paper again.
Josie: Really? It's not that horrible cheap stuff, is it?
Bella: 'Fraid so. She says the girl guides keep pinching the good stuff. (Darkly.) I reckon
it's that one with the piercings, myself.
(Patricia enters.)
Patricia: (Taken aback at seeing Cathy-Anne) Oh! Yes. Hello. You’re new? (Checks
watch) Right time? Yes. (Takes deep breath to calm herself.) Hello Bella, Josie.
Bella: Hello Patricia. Janine’s off having another facelift. (Pointing at Cathy-Anne.) This
is aspiration and motivation.
Patricia: Oh? (To Cathy-Anne.) There won’t be yelling will there? I’m not good with
yelling.
Cathy-Anne: No, no yelling. (shaking hands) I’m Cathy-Anne.
Bella: Cathy without a K and Anne without an A.
Cathy-Anne: Yes..er..no! (Glares.) That’s Cathy with a c, Anne with an e, hyphenated.
Patricia: Oh, Patricia? I mean, I'm Patricia. I wasn’t expecting….
Cathy-Anne: (Ticking clipboard.) Here's your nametag, Patricia.
Patricia: (Taking tag on her hand.) I should wear this, yes?
Cathy-Anne: That would be best, Patricia. That is the purpose of a nametag after all.
Patricia: Right. (She sticks it carefully on her coat.) Janine?
Josie: In London, another facelift.
Cathy-Anne: Now, now Josie! I don’t think it’s polite to gossip about people’s private
medical procedures behind their backs. Besides, I think you’ll find that both Janine and
myself believe in maintaining health through inner well-being and a positive outlook.
Bella: I think you’ll find that Janine believes in nipping and tucking, courtesy of Visa.
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Have you met Janine, Cathy-Anne?
Cathy-Anne: I know Janine quite well, actually.
Bella: Then you should know, that’s not a wart on her chin, it’s a nipple.
(Josie and Bella laugh delightedly.)
Cathy-Anne: (Muttering.) She warned me about you … (Mobile rings.) Excuse me a
moment, ladies. (Cathy-Anne moves behind the Flipchart to answer it – Patricia sits with
Bella and Josie.)
Josie: How’s school?
Patricia: (Startled.) School? Oh yes. Fine, fine.
Josie: What year are you this year?
Patricia: (Nervously) Still year eight.
Bella: Rather you than me. Little buggers, I bet.
Patricia: No. They’re… I mean, locking me in the classroom was accidental, I’m sure.
Bella: (Unconvinced) Hmmm…you need to be firmer with them Patricia. I've told you
before.
Patricia: (Slightly irritated.) Yes Bella, you have.
(Cathy-Anne peers quickly over the top of the flipchart and then disappears again.)
Josie: Teachers have a very high suicide rate, apparently. I read that somewhere.
Bella: Hardly surprising. A classroom of thirty kids would be enough to drive anyone to
it.
Josie: Sleeping pills.
Bella: What?
Josie: That's the preferred method, supposedly.
Bella: Right.
Patricia: (jumping up suddenly) Where’s my bag? (It’s on her shoulder.) Oh it’s here.
It’s fine. (She rummages in bag while Bella and Josie watch. Takes a pill out of a bottle
and puts her bag on a chair. She is about to put a pill in her mouth when she realizes
that she is being watched.) Er… I’m just popping to the ladies. (She goes to exit,
realizes that she has left her bag, goes back and snatches it off the chair and exits
hurriedly to bathrooms. As she exits Cathy-Anne peers around the side of the flipchart
and then disappears again.)
Bella: The start of every term is the same. I don’t know why she puts herself through it.
The job’s sending her round the bend. (Lowering voice) She’s back on the Valium
again, did you see?
Josie: They don't seem to help her all that much.
Bella: I know. To be honest, she's always been the same. Well, as far as I can
remember, anyway.
Josie: The newsagent told me that Patricia nearly got the sack for turning up tipsy in
assembly last term and telling the Headmaster he had a face like a rhino's scrotum.
Bella: (Nodding.) I heard. (Lowers her voice.) Apparently, she was only just stopped
from doing a streak at the school sports day, right in the middle of the sack race.
(Pause.)
Josie: How would she know what a rhino's scrotum looks like?
Bella: She's got cable.
Josie: Oh.
Cathy-Anne: (loudly from behind the flipchart.) Well, we’ll stick your ankles in stirrups
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and see how you like being fiddled about with on a regular basis, Barry. (She reappears looking decidedly less perky.)
Cathy-Anne: (Noticing Patricia’s absence.) Where did she go?
Josie/Bella: Who?
Cathy-Anne: (Irritably) The twitchy one.
Bella: PATRICIA went to the ladies.
Cathy-Anne: Right. Well, we're just waiting on two more and then we can get started.
Bella: That's if Patricia ever comes out of the loo.
Cathy-Anne: Excuse me?
Josie: She has a habit of locking herself in a cubicle and we have to coax her out with a
cup of tea and a shortbread finger.
Cathy-Anne: (Disapprovingly.) Does she do that a lot?
Bella: Er... three times now.
Josie: Four. Four times. (To Bella.) Remember, she did it when Constance suggested
we ask her class to take part in the Pageant?
Bella: That's right! (To Cathy-Anne.) Four times.
Cathy-Anne: Well, let's hope she maintains control of herself this evening. I haven't
scheduled for hysterics.
Constance: (off) Tabitha, your father and I do NOT think Nigel is a pratt. He is a very
nice boy. (Entering. She carries a shopping bag, wedding magazines and a handbag.)
MAN dear, I meant man. No Tabitha, I’m not trying to upset you just before your
wedding. (Hand over mouthpiece.) Evening everyone. (Pointing at flipchart.) Oooh a
thingy – what fun.(She dumps a shopping bag on the kitchen counter.) Yes. Of
COURSE I like Nigel, dear. I’m seriously considering leaving your father and eloping
with him. (She hands the wedding magazines to Bella.) It was a joke, Tabitha. (Pause.)
No you can’t invite Tanya to the wedding. (Pause.) Because I don’t think it’s appropriate
to invite your bikini-waxer. Goodbye, Tabitha. (She hangs up.)
Cathy-Anne: I'm... (She is ignored.)
Josie: Evening Constance. Wedding plans going well?
Constance: The groom is a pratt. Let's hope for my daughter's sake that he's good in
bed. How’s your Mum, Josie?
Josie: The same. You know.
Cathy-Anne: I'm... (She is ignored again.)
(Patricia returns from the bathroom.)
Constance: Hello Patricia. How are the little monsters treating you? (At “monsters”
Patricia looks over her shoulder in panic.)
Patricia: Oh yes. Monsters! Ha ha. A joke. (She takes off coat, puts it on the back of her
chair and sits.)
Cathy-Anne: (Clearing her throat.) Excuse me? (Constance turns to her.) Hello. I’m
Cathy-Anne; I’ll be running a special presentation this evening. Janine is away in
London visiting family.
(Bella stretches her face back at Constance imitating a facelift.)
Constance: Oh God! Not again. Vain creature! (Shaking hands with Cathy-Anne.)
Constance. Cathy was it? (Cathy-Anne ticks her off on the clipboard.)
Cathy-Anne: Cathy-ANNE. Cathy with a c, Anne with an e, hyphenated.
Constance: Are you on tablets?
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Cathy-Anne: (Offended.) Excuse me?
Constance: My husband, John, is a doctor and you seem very tense. Maybe you
should come and see him.
Cathy-Anne: No, I’m not tense, just keen to get started. Time is marching on. (She
goes to put a nametag on Constance, but Constance pulls away.)
Constance: Oh no dear. Dry-clean only.
Cathy-Anne: Well, you need to wear a nametag! (She waves clipboard at Constance.)
It says in my guidelines “distribute nametags”. (Getting irritated.) Otherwise, how will
everyone know who you are?
Constance: But everyone already knows me.
Patricia: That's true, Cathy-Anne.
Cathy-Anne: (Patronisingly.) Not everyone, Patricia. I don’t know her.
Constance: (Slowly, as though Cathy-Anne is rather simple.) But I’ve already
introduced myself, dear.
Cathy-Anne: Everyone else is wearing one.
Constance: (Looking around.) Patricia isn't.
Cathy-Anne: She is, I gave....(noticing that Patricia ISN'T.) Patricia WHERE is your
nametag?
Patricia: Oh! I ...er... oh it's here. On my coat.
(Cathy-Anne glares at her.)
Patricia: (Intimidated.) I'll just put it on my blouse, shall I?
(Cathy-Anne continues to glare.)
Patricia: (Quickly.) Yes, there, see it's on my blouse. (She sticks it on hurriedly.)
Cathy-Anne: You see, Connie. EVERYONE else is wearing a nametag.
Constance: It's Con-stance, dear. John can't BEAR abbreviations. If you’re going to do
public speaking you really should pay more attention. (Helpfully.) First rule of being a
hostess, remember people’s names.
Cathy-Anne: There’s nothing wrong with my memory, thank you.
Constance: Well, in that case, I don’t need the nametag then, do I?
(Cathy-Anne is annoyed, but cannot think of a retort. She looks at the nametag still
stuck to her finger, screws it up angrily and puts it on the table. Constance’s phone
rings.)
Constance: Yes Tabitha? (Pause.) Duck-egg blue. (Pause.) That’s right. (Pause.) Well,
you did choose it, dear. (Pause.) No, you can’t change it to salmon. (Pause.) Because I
buggering well said so, that’s why. (She hangs up.) (To Cathy-Anne) Sorry. My
daughter is getting married in two weeks and I never realized before just how much I
dislike her - dreadful girl. Spoilt rotten by her father and now he can’t wait to be rid of
her and I have to make all the wedding arrangements. If you knew the cost of a wedding
Cathy-Anne you'd pray to never EVER have a daughter, believe me.
(Josie tries to shush Constance.)
Cathy-Anne: (Pointedly) Now, if we could all take a seat and turn OFF our phones, we
can get started.
(Constance picks up a chair from the front row and puts it next to Bella. She sits. CathyAnne’s phone rings. The women all stare at her and wait for her to answer it.)
Cathy-Anne: (brightly) Yes, Barry?
Josie: (To Constance.) That’s her partner.
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Bella: (To Constance as she stands and wiggles her hips lewdly.) He won’t DANGLE,
apparently. She’s not happy.
(Constance doesn't understand the reference, but stares at Cathy-Anne rather
disapprovingly anyway.)
Cathy-Anne: (Through a false smile at the group.) I’m busy Barry – I have a
presentation to run. We're just about to start.
Constance: No hurry, we're still waiting on Mildred.(She goes and picks up the
remaining chair on the front row and moves it next to her own. She sits.)
Patricia: I thought she had pottery class tonight.
Josie: No, that's tomorrow.
Bella: No, pottery has been moved to Tuesdays. Tomorrow is Yoga.
Patricia: Mildred does yoga?
Cathy-Anne: (Whispering angrily) No Barry, I don’t think that position will help and that
headboard won’t support your weight, as you well know. (The others all exchange
gossipy glances.)
Bella: (Smirking.)I don't think this one does yoga.
Constance: No, I agree, far too tense.
Cathy-Anne: Get stuffed, Barry. (She hangs up. When she turns back to the group she
sees them all smiling sympathetically at her. She is also not pleased that her seating
plan has been rearranged.)
Josie: They do say that a variety of positions is healthy and keeps things interesting
Cathy-Anne: (Irritated.) What?
Bella: Who's "they"?
Josie: Experts.
Constance: Unmarried experts, clearly.
Cathy-Anne: Ladies, I don’t think we really need to be discussing my personal life.
Bella: Alright, don’t get your aspirations in a knot.
(Cathy-Anne glares at her.)
Patricia: Why don’t you turn off your phone? Then you won't get interrupted. (Everyone
nods.)
Cathy-Anne: I'm afraid I can't, Patricia, I need to be reachable at all times. Offering
support and encouragement to participants in our program is not a nine-to-five job. It
requires dedication and commitment. I need to be contactable and ready to talk people
through a crisis at any given moment. My fellow "travelers" are relying on me.
Constance: Your fellow travelers?
Cathy-Anne: The ladies who have joined my program. I like to call them "my fellow
travelers on a journey of self-discovery and awareness".
Bella: (Cheerfully.) Sounds like a load of old doodah to me.
Cathy-Anne: (Firmly.) Well, it's not. It's very enlightening.
Josie: I travelled on a coach to Stratford once. Not a pleasant experience. The driver
kept looking at my breasts in the rear-view mirror.
Bella: Donnie and I used to travel all over on his bike. (Sadly.) I’ve still got a set of his
leathers in the spare wardrobe. Dead spunky he was in ‘em too.
Cathy-Anne: (Smirking.) Well, they obviously did something for Hammer.
Bella: (Standing suddenly.) Don't mention that man's name to me!
(Constance jumps up and positions herself between Bella and Cathy-Anne. Cathy-Anne
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looks smug as Bella glares. Josie and Patricia look nervous.)
Constance: (Overly cheerful.) I’d happily travel all over the world, so long as I don’t
have to take my family with me.
(They all laugh nervously, except Bella who glares at Cathy-Anne and then sits sulkily.
Constance sits beside her. Enter Mildred. She is dressed in a country and western
outfit, cowboy boots, and a moped helmet.)
Mildred: Line-dancing my bum. I told Marie Tibble that it’s step, kick, step, dip, but she
tried for the full Monterey Turn and now her plastic hip’s popped out again. (She takes
off the moped helmet and puts it on the office chair. She then reaches into the helmet,
pulls out her wig and shoves it back on her head.)
Cathy-Anne: Good evening, I’m Cathy-Anne. Cathy with a ..
Mildred: (interrupting) Mildred Potts. That’s Miss. I never married, couldn’t tolerate the
farting.
Cathy-Anne: (Taken-aback) Oh. Well, now we’re all here, perhaps we can get started.
Here’s your nametag, Mildred. (She goes to stick it on as Mildred turns to talk to the
others and it ends up on the shoulder of her jacket. Cathy-Anne sighs exasperatedly.)
Mildred: Evening all. What’s this then?
Josie: It’s a special talk.
Mildred: Good-o. (To Cathy-Anne.) Who are you then?
Cathy-Anne: Mildred, I’m here to make a presentation on a program of discovery and
empowerment to help you fulfill your life potential and…
Mildred: Do we all get makeovers? I could do with a new look.
Cathy-Anne: No. This program focuses on your INNER well-being.
Patricia: There won’t be yelling will there? I’m really NOT good with yelling.
Cathy-Anne: (crossly) No! No yelling.
(There is an awkward pause as the Ladies all look at each other nervously.)
Constance: (Standing.) Actually, seeing as we’ve stopped…
Cathy-Anne: Stopped? I haven’t even started yet!
Mildred: Well you best get moving love, we haven’t got all night.
Constance: (To the group with her back to Cathy-Anne. Cathy-Anne folds her arms and
glares at Constance's back.) As I was saying, since we’ve stopped, I would just like to
mention that I’ve bought more teabags and biscuits, so everyone needs to chip in
before they go. The kitty was down two pounds twenty last week and if it happens again
we'll be reduced to generic instead of the Tetley, so consider yourselves warned girls!
Oh...and the girl guides have been at the loo paper AGAIN, so we're back on the cheap.
I don't know what they do with it! (She moves to the kitchen and unpacks the shopping
onto the counter, while Cathy-Anne stares at her in disbelief.)
Josie: (to Mildred) I like the outfit Mildred, is that for the line-dancing?
Mildred: Yes dear, I like to make an effort. (She does a twirl.) Twenty pounds on Ebay.
It came with a Dolly Parton wig, but that was a bit itchy, so I gave it to the cat to play
with.
Josie: A bargain then!
Cathy-Anne: (Clapping hands.) Ladies please! If we just could get started.
(They all sit, settle and face the flipchart. Cathy-Anne picks up small cards with speech
points on them.)
Cathy-Anne: Good evening. My name is Cathy-Anne. Cathy with a c, Anne with an e,
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hyphenated.
Mildred: What’s hyphenated?
Bella: Her name.
Mildred: No, what does hyphenated mean?
Patricia: It’s a dash, joining two words together.
Mildred: Oh, so it’s Cathyan (pronounced like Kaftan) then?
Cathy-Anne: (Losing patience.) No. It’s Cathy … Anne. (Pointing to her nametag.)
See? It's here on my nametag.
Mildred: No, I can’t see that. I haven’t got my glasses.
Cathy-Anne: Well, how are you going to see the presentation without them?
Mildred: Don’t worry; I’ll just look at the pictures.
Cathy-Anne: (Sighs.) There aren’t any pictures.
Josie: (Disappointed.) Awww. No pictures? That’s a shame. When the man did the talk
about the history of the elasticated girdle, he had pictures. (Everyone nods.)
Mildred: Yes. If you don’t mind my saying, you don’t seem to have put a lot of thought
into this Cathyan.
Cathy-Anne: It’s Cathy-Anne and I have a highly effective, fully planned presentation
based on the program guidelines from the Betteryou.Inc website.
Bella: But no pictures.
Cathy-Anne: (Defensively.) I’ve also undertaken an intensive three week training
course and currently have a total of thirty-two women signed up with me for the Better
You program. I DO have a great deal of experience in the self-help field.
Bella: But no pictures.
Patricia: (Putting her hand up.) Can anyone become a Better You trainer?
Cathy-Anne: Not just ANYONE, Patricia. You have to complete the 12 week basic
course and then the four week advanced course and then the 3 week intensive Trainers
course.
Constance: So what is this evening?
Cathy-Anne: This evening is the introductory induction course.
Patricia: (Putting her hand up.) So, is this the first week of the basic course?
Cathy-Anne: No. This is the induction. You need to join the Better You program to
undertake the actual courses.
Josie: So it’s a whole thingy then?
Cathy-Anne: (Shortly.) Thingy?
Josie: Like the driving license - different stages.
Cathy-Anne: (Impatiently.) Yes, that’s right.
Patricia: (Putting her hand up.) How do we sign up for the whole thing then?
Cathy-Anne: I have application forms.
Bella: (muttering.) But no pictures.
Cathy-Anne: (Defensively.) I have diagrams, AND worksheets!
Bella: (Drily.) Oh, well there you are. Why didn’t you say? (They all settle expectantly.)
Mildred: I won’t be able to see diagrams and worksheets without my glasses. Should I
go home and get them? (She rises.)
Cathy-Anne: (Loudly.) No. Sit down. (Mildred sits abruptly.)
Patricia: I have my reading glasses Mildred. Would you like to borrow those?
Mildred: Ok love. Ta.
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(Patricia rummages in her bag and produces some large unattractive glasses. She
gives them to Mildred who puts them on.)
Josie: Is that better?
Mildred: (Unsure) Well….if I squint it might be alright.
(Patricia puts her hand up.)
Cathy-Anne: For God’s sake! CAN we get started?
(Patricia puts her hand down quickly and they all settle again.)
Cathy-Anne: Good evening, I’m Cathy-Anne. (She moves on quickly before she can be
interrupted.) and welcome to the world of A Better You, where we aim to improve your
life through, aspiration, motivation and (glaring at Bella who has stood and opened her
mouth) EMPOWERMENT. (Bella sits, smirking. Cathy-Anne throws over the first blank
page of the flipchart to reveal the “A Better You” logo.)
Josie: Oooh that’s nice. I like a cheery logo.
Cathy-Anne: Our goal is to guide you on your journey towards self-fulfillment and
happiness by offering you a simple roadmap and compass on your journey and pit stops
in life’s journey to …er…(She has lost the train of her metaphor.)…
Constance: I’m no good with maps. John does that side of things. I usually just look at
the “for sale” signs.
Cathy-Anne: ...a simple map for life’s journey. (She turns the next page to reveal a very
complex diagram.)
Bella: I thought she said simple.
Patricia: Oh dear. Yes. It does look rather complex.
Cathy-Anne: (Through gritted teeth.) It’s not. It’s really very simple.
Constance: Well as diagrams go, I think it’s actually a little dull. Colour, Cathy-Anne,
that’s the trick. (She rises to go to the chart.)
Cathy-Anne: Sit down!
Constance: (Unbothered.) I was just trying to be helpful.
Mildred: I can’t see that.
Cathy-Anne: What?
Mildred: The diagram. It’s blurry.
Cathy-Anne: (muttering) I think you'll find it’s your eyes that are blurry you silly old…
Mildred: Could I move closer?
Cathy-Anne: (Impatiently.) Yes, yes. (She turns her back to the group to pick up marker
pens from the table and when she turns back Mildred is sitting directly in front of her and
the flipchart.) What are you doing?
Mildred: You said I could move closer.
Patricia: Yes. That’s right. (To the others.) She did say that. (All nodding.)
Cathy-Anne: (Nervously.) Yes, well. I didn’t expect you quite SO close.
Mildred: (Rising) I could just go home and get my proper glasses.
Cathy-Anne: No, no! We’ll just work with it. (Through gritted teeth.) The program does
teach us to be flexible in a crisis.
Mildred: If you think this is a crisis, you've obviously never been trapped in the
community centre’s disabled lift with the local flasher.
Cathy-Anne: Anyway….moving along. The diagram here shows us that there are many
paths in life’s journey and with help we can make informed choices to lead us into the
light and… (She starts shuffling cards lost.)
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Bella: I can’t see the bottom half of the diagram. Mildred love, your head’s in the way.
Mildred: (Standing.) Should I move?
Josie: I can’t see it at all now.
Mildred: I’ll move. (She picks up chair.)
Patricia: Will you still need my glasses then? I mean, I’d hate to lose them, so…
Constance: But then YOU won’t be able to see if you move, Mildred.
Mildred: Well love, I think it's a bit late for self-fulfillment at my age. My back'd never
cope. (They all laugh.)
Cathy-Anne: If we could all just focus on the task at hand, please.
Mildred: That's easy for you to say, you haven't got someone else's glasses on.
(Laughs.)
Cathy-Anne: Really ladies! Show some discipline and control!
Josie: There's a website called that. It used to show up on my Uncle Tom's credit card
bill. It's about Business Management Techniques apparently.
Bella: I bet it is!
Josie: Well, that's what Uncle Tom said when Auntie Shirley asked him about it.
Cathy-Anne: (Yelling.) Be quiet!
Patricia: (Standing.) I knew it! I knew there’d be yelling. I really can’t cope with… (She
grabs her bag and runs to the Ladies sobbing. Silence.)
Bella: Isn't this going well, Cathy-Anne? (Pause.) I’ll go and see she’s alright. (Bella
exits to Ladies.)
Constance: Are you sure you’re really cut out for this Cathy-Anne? What did you do
before? Traffic Warden was it?
Cathy-Anne: For your information I was in Human Resources (getting teary) and I have
a diploma in People Management. (Her phone rings.) What is it Barry? I’m rather tied up
at the moment. (Pause.) No, I have not considered the possibility that I might be
BARREN. You’ve been listening to your Mother again, haven’t you? What is she
suggesting you do, burn me as a witch in the town square? Have you considered Barry,
that maybe I’m NOT infertile; maybe sub-consciously I just don’t WANT stretch marks
and baby-puke stained clothes. Have you considered that? Maybe, I just don’t want to
have a baby with a man who still calls his mother five times a week. Maybe I’d be
happier with a dog and lots of foreign holidays! (She hangs up, puts mobile on table and
runs out of the main entrance sobbing.)
Constance: Well, I must say, she seems very highly-strung for a guru.
Mildred: Yeah. She's better off without children if you ask me. I've never missed having
them myself.
Josie: Not at all?
Mildred: Nope. I think the maternal gene completely passed me by.
Constance: Mildred dear, you do have seven cats.
Mildred: (Moving to flipchart.) Hmm.... fair enough.
Josie: Do you think she'll be alright?
Constance: Oh yes. She'll be back in a minute, I'm sure.
Mildred: Oh look, there’s a spelling mistake on this diagram. (They all look.)
Josie: So there is. Instead of “the way to a better life is ahead” she’s got “the baby to a
better life is ahead.”
Constance: (Sympathetically.) Oh dear. I guess it's human nature to always want what
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we don't have.
Josie: I was the same with breasts.
(Mildred and Constance stare at her.)
Josie: At school! I couldn't wait to get them and then when they arrived, they always
seemed to be in the way and boys just kept talking at them. I don't think a boy looked
me in the eye for the rest of school.
(Mildred and Constance exchange looks.)
Constance: Quite.
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