ELEMENT 9 RESPONSIBLE MESSAGES (I MESSAGES)
Responsible messages are included in the ten elements of the T4F workshop because the skill of
being able to use responsible or I messages or ‘speaking from the I’ is considered to be an
important skill for a facilitator to have and model to the group. Each T4F workshop facilitation
team needs to decide how these skills will continue to be learned in the workshop. The skill can be
indirectly covered with a focus on facilitator modeling, an I message activity can be included in a
practice team agenda or an I message activity can be included in the T4F workshop agenda.
Facilitators are encouraged to help participants explore and practice responsible messaging
through repetition of exercises in both the Basic and Second Level manuals. New approaches to
teaching responsible messaging are included both in this section and in the Continuing Training
Chapter of this manual.
Improving communication is an essential part of finding alternatives to violence. In AVP, we
present “I Messages” as a way of speaking honestly, positively and assertively when there is a
conflict between two people or when a conflict could develop over one person’s behavior.
Some adaptations to the name of the original “I Messages” to meet cultural diversity are
Feeling messages
Non-judgmental messages
Non-blaming messages
Owning messages
Assertive messages
Responsible messages
Speaking from the I
Green and red messages
Whatever the words used, this approach provides a safe and comfortable space for your partner
to speak and to be heard without raising defensiveness. Using the I Message “formula” as an
internal journey to the truth BEFORE speaking can provide self reflection and then a voice that can
find words that are honest, positive and assertive. I Messages invite communication that brings
people together in harmony and mutual respect.
In prior workshops, some participants may have had difficulty expressing themselves with the I
Message “formula” because to do so seemed forced and even culturally biased. Some of these
participants may have carried their experiences with I Messages into the T4F workshop. They may
need additional practice in order to make certain their understanding is accurate, their
presentation is clear and their examples of messages are not disguised “you” messages, designed
consciously or unconsciously to direct blame away from themselves and put the responsibility for
a conflict situation on to the other person.
Listening to what the other person is saying in order to understand his or her underlying needs is
as important as speaking responsibly. As the Transforming Power Guides in AVP puts it “listen for
what is not said as well as what is said.” The process of attempting to understand the “because”
of the I statement for both of the people in a relationship clears the way for the next step, which
is an invitation to the other person to work this out together. It offers a gift of trust that the other
person is a person of value.
Possible learning activities/exercises for Element Nine
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Brainstorm: Needs vs. Wants
Exercise: Assertive Communication: Responsible or I Messages
Exercise: Green and Red Messages
Included in the Continuing Training Chapter are
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Exercise: Red / Green Messages
Worksheet: I-Statements
BRAINSTORM: NEEDS vs WANTS
Purpose:
To clarify the difference between expressing needs in an I Message and
expressing wants (which is a disguised you message).
Time:
15 minutes
What you need: Poster Paper and Markers
How it’s done:
Explain that we will be doing three brainstorms on what we NEED as opposed to what we
WANT.
Brainstorm #1: In order to live ….
I need
Air to breathe
Nourishment
I want
a smoke-free environment
steak and potatoes
Explain: In the next two brainstorms, individuals may have different needs, which affect our
relationships with the people with whom we live, work and socialize. Think about YOUR
needs.
Brainstorm #2: In order to work/study/think effectively ….
I need
An organized workspace
A quiet atmosphere
Something to relax my tension
I want
you to stop messing up our room
you to stop playing loud music
you to stop insisting on absolute quiet
Brainstorm #3: For my well-being and peace of mind …
I need
To feel loved
To feel secure that you are safe
I want
I want you to tell me you love me
I want you to let me know where you are
Processing:
1. Which of the wants in #2 and #3 brainstorms seem to blame the other person, and
which seem to be reasonable?
2. Sometimes it is behavior by anyone, but when it is spouse or family or close relationship,
only that person’s behavior concerns you. How would you explain that in terms of I
Messages?
3. What TP Guides apply to I Messages?
ASSERTIVE COMMUNICATION (Responsible or I Messages)
Purpose:
To experience and practice using assertive communication
Time:
15-20 Minutes
What you need:
List of Scenarios (suggested by participants or facilitators
A poster of the ”Responsible or I Message”
Sample Responsible or I Message Posters
When ………… happens
The impact on me is …
What I would like to
happen now is
……………………………
When ……………………
I feel …………………….
Because ……………….
Would you be willing
to ………………………….
When ……. happens
I feel ……………………
And what I need is..
Can we talk about it?
How it is done:
1. Two facilitators seat themselves in two chairs facing each other in the center of the circle.
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Choose a scenario
Role play the conflict, then
Replay the conflict with first one person in the conflict giving an I Message, then the
other.
2. Form pairs of participants. Give each pair a scenario from the list, or they can find a
scenario from their own lives.
3. In turn, each pair moves to the chairs in the center of the circle and plays the scenario,
then practices using the I Message format.
4. After each scenario, ask the group whether I Messages were used.
5. Ask the pair(s) to acknowledge each other and return to the circle.
Debrief by asking what the players noticed about their reactions when the other person
used an I Message.
VARIATION

The participants do their mini role plays without first having a demonstration by the
facilitators

Have the participants do their mini role plays remaining seated in the circle and not go into
the centre of the circle for their role plays

Ask participants to identify when their I Messages are green or red messages (see learning
activity that follows)
GREEN AND RED MESSAGES
Purpose:
To experience and practice speaking in both a confrontational and nonconfrontational way. (This activity can be used before I-Message activity.)
Time:
15 minutes.
What you need: * Poster paper divided into two columns labeled Green and Red
* Green and red markers.
SAMPLE POSTER
GREEN MESSAGE
CHARACTERISTICS
RED MESSAGE
CHARACTERISTICS
How it is done:
1. Describe that like a green traffic light, a green message is one that encourages another
person to listen and talk in a co-operative way. Like a red traffic light, a red message
stops, blocks or discourages people from responding positively.
2. Ask participants for some examples of red messages that could stop, block or discourage
talking and listening
3. Brainstorm what characteristics a red message could have. Record these in one column
using a red marker
4. Brainstorm what characteristics a green message could have. Record these in the second
column using a green marker
5. Divide everyone into pairs and remain seated in the circle. Invite participants to role play
using first red messages, then green messages using scenarios that they create
6. The activity I Messages can be introduced to give a framework for a green messages
7. Processing
 What happened?
 What was the hardest thing about that for you?
 What impact did a red message have on you?
 What impact did a green message have on you?
 Is there anything that you would do differently next time?
Note:
Typical RED message characteristics may be: disrespect, interrupting, judging, demanding,
blaming, putting down or criticizing
Typical GREEN message characteristics may be: showing respect, listening, affirming,
asking, acknowledging and taking responsibility.