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CH 7 Romantic Relationships
What attitudes and behaviors have you (or others you know) exhibited that have
been counterproductive to relationship building (what do people do that keep them
from establishing relationships? Some typical ones include:
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High expectations--expecting it to be like what you see in the movies
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expecting it to come easily--effective communication is not always easy, takes
work and concentration
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If I wait, a good relationship will find me--women especially wait around to have
someone find them, not being proactive
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Get tongue-tied--when it means a lot, sometimes we’re at our worst
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Wanting it to happen NOW--not being willing to wait and let it develop
What do you look for in a relationship? What qualities do you look for in BOTH
a friendship and a romantic relationship? What qualities are different?
Who places more importance on physical appearance? Men. The matching
hypothesis states, however, that men and women of similar levels of attractiveness seem
to go together.
What information do you use to make decisions about people when initiating a
relationship (what makes someone interesting to you)?
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Finding approachables and being approachable--watching and being watchedwhen you are at a party/social function/place to meet others, what do you look
for? How do you decide who is approachable and who is not?---attraction.
a. Attraction is affected by proximity, the MOST influential variable in
attraction (even in cyberspace, have to be in right chat room). Years ago, I
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read book written “How to marry a Rich Person.” The number one advice
was to hang out where rich people hand out—proximity does not always
lead to liking, must also find you have common values
b. Consider reciprocity. You like people who like you
c. You tend to like people who seem like you
In addition we look for people who are:
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physically appealing
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look nice
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self-confident
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sense of humor
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show interest in them--reciprocity of liking
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will impress friends and parents
What makes you approachable?
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Appearing approachable
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Dress to enhance not entice
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Conversational skills
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Being assertive
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Exuding confidence
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Being in good physical shape
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Having agood sense of humor
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Being positive about life in general
Affinity-seeking--how do we get others to like us?
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Women like 1) to ask questions to draw out info, 2) to listen closely and pay attention,
and 3) show sensitivity and empathy to their concern.;
Men communicate 1) to make the other person feel important (praise) and to validate
their own self-concept, 2) to present a positive self-image to other, 3) to take charge of
conversation and planning future encounters.
These seem to be very different (women focused on other, men on self), but really they
both are other-focused, just different (women ask questions, men confirm other’s selfconcept).Men’s proactive communication may be misinterpreted by woman as a sign of
self-absorption, may just be an attempt to be liked; men may misinterpret women’s
behavior as lack of self-confidence, when it may just be a strategy used to get to know
someone
Another way to be effective in getting someone to notice you is to exhibit
rhetorical sensitivity--3 types of communicators...
5 chararacteristics of rhetorically sensitive people-1) understand that people are complex, will act different in diff situations,
will often react or say things differently when with guy friends than with
girl friends
2) be flexible, be open to others ideas, don’t always take a stand and not
give
3) share limelight, balance conversation so it’s focused on each of you,
express an interest in the other
4) know what the situation calls for
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5) recognize that there is more than one way to communicate an idea,
sometimes can display sympathy with hug, with silence, with tears, with
words
How do you reduce your uncertainty when meeting someone new? Do those
strategies work? (information)?
We typically use three strategies (Berger & Bradac)
Passive strategies: we observe the other person
Active strategies: we ask other people about the other person
Interactive strategies: we actually talk to the other person
What’s the most important information to learn about someone else as a potential
relational partner?
In order to make best choices, need to tknow what your needs are (Schutz), what your
goals are(friendship, date, marriage, one night stand)(#4), and how you see yourself
(Goffman, impression management--front stage, back stage, role sets)
How do you know when someone is interested? Harder to know when males are
than females. Males show less emotion; that doesn’t mean they don’t feel it!
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What’s the best “opening line” you’ve ever heard or used? Why was it so
effective?
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What’s the worst “opening line” you’ve ever heard or used? Why was it so
ineffective
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What are some of the most unusual and/or funny examples you have seen of
men trying to be attractive by appearing too masculine? Of women trying to
appear too feminine? Is there such a thing as too masculine or too feminine?
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Deciding to continue—
The text focuses on four variables that affect relationship development process—selfdisclosure, empathy, listening, and nonverbal expressiveness
Self-disclosure. What is it? Things about ourselves others wouldn’t know
otherwise—men think it’s about work, women think it’s about feelings-each gives
information that they think is important and the other thinks is irrelevant
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Women disclose more than men. Men disclose more with women than men.
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On first dates, highly masculine men only disclose with women they intend to
date again
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Winstead says research is really people living up to self-fulfilling prophecies, that
men and women self-disclose equally on some issues, such as religion, ambitions,
health, career goals,etc but that women take more risks in self disclosure
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Women more than men feel its important to make discloser feel accepted—
women see disclosure as invitation for more disclosure, whereas men see it as
competition so they trade disclosures—men disclose more about their strengths
and women disclose more about their weaknesses
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Bad news is women are judged more positively when they self disclose and men
are judged more negatively (seen as less competent)—men resist self disclosure to
maintain control of self and relationship.
Self disclosure is the way to relationship development, so men and women need to
understand what constitutes self disclosure for others.
Empathy
Three dimensions—
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1) perspective-taking—being able to understand the viewpoint of another
2) emotional contagion—experiencing an emotional response similar to what the
other is feeling
3) empathic concern—sympathetic concern for other
It is not enough to be empathic, the other person must sense you are empathic—this is
where men and women differ—there have not been significant gender differences in the
ability to feel empathy, but difference may lie in that women are socialized to express
empathy (they have the skill of showing empathy)—men may feel it but women feel it
and express it more (verbal responses, nonverbal feedback, etc)
Listening
Men and women listen for different reasons—men focus on content, women on
relationships—men figure out problems and give advice to fix it, women listen to reflect
und and to offer support—both are good, needed at different times. Men need to try
“back-channeling”—uh huh, yes, go on, to draw out more information
Nonverbal expressiveness and sensitivity—
Men talk at angles, women more straight on, turning toward the other person
Women use more head nodding, smiling, touching, leaning forward—should be
spontaneous, some women overuse
Obviously gender communication in love, romance, marriage and sex is
complicated by a wide range of sociological, physiological, linguistic and relational
factors. Success in these relationships is never guaranteed, but the chances for success
can be increased by broadening the range of communication behaviors that you bring to
these contexts.
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