INTIMACY: A SPECIAL KIND OF CLOSE ENCOUNTER
Randy W. Green, Ph.D.
Intimacy refers to a way of relating with another in which sensory-based
experiences and understandings about themselves are shared. It usually
accompanies voluntary exposure of private thoughts and behaviors,
presupposing tremendous feelings of "trust" and "caring." Thus, for most people,
this sort of experience involves considerable emotional risk. In Erik Erickson's
(1963) theory of psychosocial development, he cited intimacy as a part of a crisis
which occurs in young adulthood, immediately following adolescence.
If someone successfully developed a healthy self-image (associating positive
internal feelings with other sensory-based experiences of which one is a part), he
or she resolved this crisis by learning to trust and share intimately with others
rather than remaining isolated from people. While intimacy is not necessary for
physical survival, it does seem essential for a healthy emotional life. Intimacy
expands our "models-of-the-world" by enriching them with new generalizations
about others that can be quite satisfying. It can also help us make some useful
distinctions in our lives. Friends from mere acquaintances; marriage from merely
a working "partnership"; parenting from caretaking; loving from liking.
Intimacy is often said to be an emotional-- not just a physical or intellectual-understanding. It is characterized by empathy; a way of learning about and
"trying- on" another's perceptions of the world, without fear of censure. It’s trust,
both in one's ability to share his (her) model of the world and in one's belief that
another individual can do the same; a vulnerability or willingness to remove
defenses and be candid with someone. In another sense, it’s a shared control of
the relationship, recognizing the importance of each member's contributions; and
a "shared reality" or ability to mutually perceive and exchange information and
feelings, resolving conflicts that arise. Intimacy is manifested through a widerange of experiences from relatively superficial sharing of activities through
euphoric exchanges involving strong feelings which seem to distort time and
space; in other words, sex.
There is some evidence gleaned from surveys and reports that men and women
often represent the concept, intimacy differently. In these findings, men are
perceived as more cautious about verbal and emotional exchanges. They tend to
evade self-disclosure, believing it to mean a lessening of control in a situation. In
contrast, women associate control with disclosure, differently. When women
reveal information in an intimate relationship, they relate the manner in which it is
affecting them and how they can reconcile any "rough" spots in order to gain selfimprovement. Furthermore, men use sex as the primary experience in which to
be intimate. For women, sex is but one aspect of intimacy, and no more
important than valuable self-disclosure or exchanges of mutual concern; and
exclusivity. Women value emotional exclusivity, viewing it as a foundation for
other dimensions of intimacy. Men tend to evade emotional exclusivity, believing
it akin to being engulfed or controlled.
While these characterizations of sex differences are not exemplified in all
relationships, they imply certain barriers to intimacy: A fear of trusting; of
appearing vulnerable or losing control. They lead to the kind of encounters which
contain superficial interactions. Therapy can often help these individuals
overcome their reservations so they can experience the warmth and closeness of
intimate sharing, without feeling criticized or controlled. In this regard, perhaps
some therapeutic suggestions may lead you to close encounters of another kind:
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(1)Empathize. As your partner talks, try on his (her) perception. Step into
that person's body and ask, "If I were him (her) how would I appear as I
related? What would I be telling myself? Feeling? What conflicts (if any)
would I be experiencing, and how, specifically?" Resist the urge to
interpret or analyze based on your own reactions. Remember, you don't
have to agree with someone in order to empathize
(2) Express your perceptions, including positive and negative feelings,
using the "first-person", and avoiding generalizations like "always" and
"never". (Not," Sex is a superficial expression of love" but, "I believe that is
so, because...").
(3) Discuss matters often, switching back and forth between empathic and
expressive roles. Remember, intimacy, like any skill becomes an ability
with practice.
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