THE DEFINITIVE GUIDE TO
Stuff Everett People Do…
#47 – Harbor a Large Brazilian Population
Traditionally, Everett has been known for its large population of Italian and Irish
Americans. However, when visiting Everett today, you should note that you will find
an overwhelming Brazilian population settled here.
Described by many as “Little Brazil,” Everett has seen a dramatic change in its
restaurants and shops in recent years. Brigham’s is now a Brazilian steakhouse. Many
formerly-abandoned shops and office spaces are now homes to Brazilian clothing
stores, nightclubs, and even furniture shops.
However, you will find that most white denizens of Everett do not frequent these
Brazilian stores and restaurants, because of the backlash against “those damn Brazi’s
taking over.” The animosity, though, only stems from the fact that they have
presumably never eaten at Oliveira’s, as they would be more accepting of Brazilian
culture if they had.
In Everett, it is usually easy to spot most Brazilians, as the men are usually donned in
Hollister hoodies and sweatpants and the women wear jeans made of spandex. When
approaching a Brazilian, do not be afraid, as you will see many of them in your trip to
Everett. When eating at a Brazilian restaurant or shopping at a Brazilian store, thank
them with “Obrigado,” the Portuguese word for “Thank you.”
#78 – Patronize an Overabundance of Dunkin’ Donuts
A first-time visitor to Everett might be perplexed to find that eight separate Dunkin’
Donuts franchises are located in the two-square-mile radius of the city. The more
casual observer first questions whether all of them are fully stocked with products,
since it appears it would be conspicuous overkill and very redundant to saturate so
small an area with multiple franchise locations.
For example, one might assume that the Dunkin Donuts at Broadway and Pleasant
Street near the old high school might specialize in donuts but not carry coffee, which
might possibly necessitate a second trip 0.3 miles down Route 99 to obtain a coffee at
the location across from the Whittier School. But, amazingly, upon inspection, each
Dunkin Donuts franchise in Everett contains a full assortment of menu items, which
might leave you further perplexed.
One explanation that has been offered for this phenomena is that years ago Everett’s
city fathers decided that it was every one of this fair city’s citizen’s God-given right to
travel no farther than 300 feet from his or her front door to obtain a steaming hot cup o’
joe and/or a collection of assorted Munchkins, and mandated the construction of eight
franchises. Indeed, when the video store on Ferry Street went out of business in 2008, it
was immediately replaced by a Dunkin Donuts, graciously saving the residents of the
Glendale Square neighborhood the indignity of having to trek all the way up to Pope
John to be served their addiction.
Another theory, however, holds that the ungodly proliferation of the Dunkin Donuts
serves to provide employment for the city’s high school students, roughly 99% of whom
work either at Dunk’s, Stop n Shop, McKinnon’s, Market Basket, or Dairy Maid.
#33 – Feel Extreme Reluctance to Travel Outside Everett
When speaking to an Everett person about the “outside world,” it is important never to
assume that every Everett native has ever traveled beyond the city’s borders, save for
an occasional jaunt to Revere Beach, the DMV, and the Kowloon. Even referencing
events, locations, and people in cities as close as Cambridge, Somerville, and Malden is
dangerous when conversing with an Everett native, as they tend to see the world much
as Europeans did in pre-Columbus times: flat, small, and centered on themselves. Even
the offer of a trip to Boston causes most Everett natives to hesitate; most will instead
decline and retire back to their couches to watch the last school committee meeting or
senior citizen dance for the 18th time.
Since a true Everettite has never spent longer than a week at a time outside the city, it is
important never to mention to a native that you studied abroad for a semester/
backpacked across Europe for a summer/ went to college and didn’t live at home / are
an immigrant. (Note: for Everett purposes, “immigrant” refers to anyone who was not born at
the Whidden Hospital, regardless of one’s United States citizenship status.) This will make the
Everett native defensive and angry and he/she will immediately launch into a rant
about how generations-long stability is important to society and how change of any
kind is always inherently bad. Instead, commend the Everett native for their loyalty
and lament that you wish you had the courage and the fortitude to stay in the same
place for your entire life.
If an Everett native happens to confide in you that they have to travel outside the city
limits for an extended block of time, under no circumstances should you mention this to
other people. One, there is a very good chance that if you do, their home will be robbed
while they are gone. Second, if other Everett people know that they left the city, that
information might hurt their street cred with other lifers. Even two weeks in the
outside world might be too much to allow them to claim that they are “life-long
residents of Everett” in the next city election (which is the most important qualification
to hold any elected or appointed office in the city). This might have a disastrous
domino effect of you losing your city job by costing them a spot as an elected official,
and possibly resulting in your deportation back to your home country/state/Cambridge/
Somerville.