Nemours Foundation
(Established in 1936 by philanthropist Alfred I. duPont, is dedicated to improving the health
and spirit of children.)
Teaching Your Child Tolerance
America - the great "melting pot" - has always been a rich blend of cultural traditions
from all over the world. Many American families can trace their histories to immigrant
ancestors who traveled great distances, enduring risk and hardship, to make a home
where they would be guaranteed basic freedoms. And for many American families these
freedoms came with a struggle. Their parents and grandparents were deprived the basic
rights we value.
American society was founded on freedom from religious persecution and on tolerance of
differences in beliefs and cultural heritage. The differences (or diversity) that came from
people from all over the world enrich our culture, bringing new ideas and energy. Today,
more than ever, children have opportunities to interact with people of differing
ethnicities, religions, and cultures. Classrooms are increasingly diverse, reflecting the
communities where families live and work.
A World of Difference:
Some parents welcome the fact that we live in an increasingly diverse society. Others
may feel more hesitant, especially if they have not had much exposure to people different
from themselves. Many children are way ahead of their parents in terms of exposure to
cultural differences. Their circle of friends, their schoolmates, and their athletic teams are
much more varied than those of even a generation ago.
Why is it important for parents to help their children prepare to live, learn, and work in
communities that will become even more diverse? Teaching tolerance is important not
just because it is part of our American heritage but because the person who learns to be
open to differences will have more opportunity - in education, in business, and in so
many other ways.
In short, your child's success depends on it. Success in today's world - and tomorrow's depends on being able to understand, appreciate, and work with others.
What Is Tolerance?
Tolerance refers to an attitude of openness and respect for the differences that exist
among people. Although originally used to refer to ethnic and religious differences, the
concepts of diversity and tolerance can also be applied to gender, people with physical
and intellectual disabilities, and other differences, too.
Tolerance means respecting and learning from others, valuing differences, bridging
cultural gaps, rejecting unfair stereotypes, discovering common ground, and creating new
bonds. Tolerance, in many ways, is the opposite of prejudice.
But does tolerance mean that all behaviors have to be accepted? No, of course not.
Behaviors that disrespect or hurt others, like being mean or bullying, or behaviors that
break social rules, like lying or stealing, should not be tolerated. Tolerance is about
accepting people for who they are - not about accepting bad behavior. Tolerance also
means treating others the way you would like to be treated.
How Is Tolerance Taught?
Like all attitudes, tolerance is often taught in subtle ways. Even before they can speak,
children closely watch - and imitate - their parents. Children of all ages develop their own
values, in great part, by mirroring the values and attitudes of those they care about.
Many parents live and work in diverse communities and have friends who are different
from themselves in some (or in many) ways. Parents' attitudes about respecting others are
often so much a part of them that they rarely even think about it. They teach those
attitudes simply by being themselves and living their values. Parents who demonstrate (or
model) tolerance in their everyday lives send a powerful message. As a result, their
children learn to appreciate differences, too.
Of course, celebrating differences of others doesn't mean giving up your own heritage.
Your family may have its own long-standing cultural and religious traditions that are
something to be proud of. Families can find ways to celebrate differences of others while
continuing to honor and pass down their own cultural heritage.
What Can Parents Do to Help Children Learn Tolerance?

Parents can teach tolerance by example - and in other ways, too. Talking together
about tolerance and respect helps children learn more about the values you want
them to have. Giving children opportunities to play and work with others is
important as well. This lets children learn firsthand that everyone has something
to contribute and to experience differences and similarities. Here are some things
parents can do to help children learn tolerance:

Notice your own attitudes. Parents who want to help their children value diversity
can be sensitive to cultural stereotypes they may have learned and make an effort
to correct them. Demonstrate an attitude of respect for others.

Remember that children are always listening. Be aware of the way you talk about
people who are different from yourself. Do not make jokes that perpetuate
stereotypes. Although some of these may seem to be harmless fun, they can undo
attitudes of tolerance and respect.



Select books, toys, music, art, and videos carefully. Keep in mind the powerful
effect that media have on shaping attitudes.
Point out and talk about unfair stereotypes that may be portrayed in media.
Answer children's questions about differences honestly and respectfully. This
teaches that it is acceptable to notice and discuss differences as long as it is done
with respect.

Acknowledge and respect differences within your own family. Demonstrate
acceptance of your children's differing abilities, interests, and styles. Value the
uniqueness of each member of your family.

Remember that tolerance does not mean tolerating unacceptable behavior. It
means that everyone deserves to be treated with respect - and should treat others
with respect as well.

Help your children feel good about themselves. Children who feel badly about
themselves often treat others badly. Children with strong self-esteem value and
respect themselves and are more likely to treat others with respect, too. Help your
child to feel accepted, respected, and valued.

Give children opportunities to work and play with others who are different from
them.

When choosing a school, day camp, or child-care facility for your child, find one
with a diverse population.

Learn together about holiday and religious celebrations that are not part of your
own tradition.

Honor your family's traditions and teach them to your children - and to someone
outside the family who wants to learn about the diversity you have to offer.

When parents encourage a tolerant attitude in their children, talk about their
values, and model the behavior they would like to see by treating others well, kids
will follow in their footsteps.

Parents can teach tolerance by example - and in other ways, too. Talking together
about tolerance and respect helps children learn more about the values you want
them to have. Giving children opportunities to play and work with others is
important as well. This lets children learn firsthand that everyone has something
to contribute and to experience differences and similarities. Here are some things
parents can do to help children learn tolerance:


Notice your own attitudes. Parents who want to help their children value diversity
can be sensitive to cultural stereotypes they may have learned and make an effort
to correct them. Demonstrate an attitude of respect for others.
Remember that children are always listening. Be aware of the way you talk about
people who are different from yourself. Do not make jokes that perpetuate
stereotypes. Although some of these may seem to be harmless fun, they can undo
attitudes of tolerance and respect.

Select books, toys, music, art, and videos carefully. Keep in mind the powerful
effect that media have on shaping attitudes. Point out and talk about unfair
stereotypes that may be portrayed in media. Answer children's questions about
differences honestly and respectfully. This teaches that it is acceptable to notice
and discuss differences as long as it is done with respect. Acknowledge and
respect differences within your own family. Demonstrate acceptance of your
children's differing abilities, interests, and styles. Value the uniqueness of each
member of your family.

Remember that tolerance does not mean tolerating unacceptable behavior. It
means that everyone deserves to be treated with respect - and should treat others
with respect as well.

Help your children feel good about themselves. Children who feel badly about
themselves often treat others badly. Children with strong self-esteem value and
respect themselves and are more likely to treat others with respect, too. Help your
child to feel accepted, respected, and valued.

Give children opportunities to work and play with others who are different from
them. When choosing a school, day camp, or child-care facility for your child,
find one with a diverse population. Learn together about holiday and religious
celebrations that are not part of your own tradition.

Honor your family's traditions and teach them to your children - and to someone
outside the family who wants to learn about the diversity you have to offer.
When parents encourage a tolerant attitude in their children, talk about their
values, and model the behavior they would like to see by treating others well, kids
will follow in their footsteps.

Reviewed by: D'Arcy Lyness, PhD
Date reviewed: December 2002
About Us / Contact Us / Partners / Editorial Policy / Privacy Policy & Terms of Use
Note: All information on KidsHealth is for educational purposes only. For specific
medical advice, diagnoses, and treatment, consult your doctor.
©1995-2006 The Nemours Foundation. All rights reserved.
http://www.kidshealth.org/parent/positive/talk/tolerance.html
Defining Diversity, Prejudice, and Respect
The Philadelphia Eagles' football stadium can seat almost 70,000. Could you have picked
your brother out of the crowd? Yep. There are over 8 million people living in New York
City. Could you recognize your mom out of all those people? Of course. And the
population of the entire world is more than 6 billion. Could your family possibly mistake
you for someone else? No way!
Although there's bound to be a person who looks something like you, you are totally
unique and special. Your brother, your mom, and the other members of your family are
each unique, too. And so is every person who has ever lived, is living now, or will live in
the future. Pretty cool, right?
But what if everyone actually did look exactly the same? What if everyone talked and
moved in exactly the same way? Boring! We'd no longer be one of a kind. We'd lose our
uniqueness. We'd lose our diversity.
What Is Diversity?
The word diversity means a variety or assortment of different types of things. Think of
how many kinds of fruits, or T-shirts, or books there are. How about all of the many types
of houses and cars that exist? Or the amazing variety of birds, plants, and fish found all
over the world?
In the same way, human beings have a great deal of diversity. Although our basic
structure is the same (we all have a head, body, arms, legs, etc.), there's diversity in our
looks. Skin, hair, and eyes all have lots of interesting colors. Our bodies are different, too,
in size and shape. Even our fingerprints are unique!
People are diverse in other ways, too. We live in different places, have different kinds of
jobs, and go to different schools. We have a variety of ethnic backgrounds and religious
beliefs. And we speak many different languages and differ in our thoughts and feelings.
Where Do I Find Diversity?
Diversity, of course, starts right in your own family. You probably share things like the
shape of your nose or texture of your hair, but each person is still different. Even identical
twins are unique!
But to really check out diversity, look around your town or city and around your school.
How many shades of skin color do you see? How many hair and eye colors? How many
body shapes?
Then think about the different ways people in your community worship, work, and play.
Where do their families come from? What languages do they speak to communicate?
How do they study and learn at school? It's not the same for everyone - that's for sure.
All of this incredible diversity is why the United States is sometimes called a melting pot.
This means that people of different races, religions, and ethnic backgrounds have all
come together to share their lives. Americans share a number of very important beliefs; in
democracy, in freedom of speech, and in the right for a person to worship as he or she
chooses. These common beliefs give an important foundation on which to build a nation.
Americans stand for these beliefs and defend them.
Americans also celebrate their different cultures, differing political viewpoints, and
differing tastes in food, art, music, and just about everything you can think of. From the
birth of the nation, these differences have strengthened and enriched the country. The
diversity that Americans have valued throughout history has a lot to do with making this
world an exciting and interesting place to live!
What Is Prejudice?
Unfortunately, not everyone sees diversity as such a positive thing. With diversity can
come prejudice (say: preh-juh-dus).
People show prejudice when they form a negative opinion without knowing all the facts.
(That's not fair!) These opinions might be based on someone else's race, religion, or
ethnic background. They might be based on a person's gender (whether the person is a
girl or boy), age, disability, or even income or education level. Then prejudice can turn
into hatred or unfair treatment of a person belonging to a particular group.
Do you recognize prejudice when you hear it? As soon as people are lumped together in a
group, unfair opinions are probably being expressed. Consider the beginnings of these
statements, for example: "All African-Americans are . . ."; "Every white person is . . .";
"Catholics always . . ."; "All Italian people . . ."; "Everybody in a wheelchair . . ."; "Poor
people are . . ."; "Girls are always . . ."; or "Old people are . . .".
Comments like these don't have anything to do with looking at a person as an individual,
do they? Instead, prejudice divides people into groups and says who's in and who's out.
Rather than building bridges between people, prejudice puts up walls. People who show
prejudice often fear diversity for some reason. Instead of welcoming diversity, they're
afraid of or uncomfortable with people who are somehow different than they are. This
kind of thinking can lead to hatred and even violence.
What Is Respect?
But there's another way to look at diversity in the world around us. People who see others
as individuals instead of labeling them according to the group they belong to are people
who show respect for each other. (Some people use the word tolerance to mean the same
thing.)
Respect for one another means being willing to accept other people's differences - even if
they look different from you, have a different religion, or come from a different land. It
also means treating other people the way you'd want to be treated.
Does this mean that all behaviors should be tolerated? No way! Behaviors that disrespect
or hurt others, like being mean or bullying, or behaviors that break social rules, like lying
or stealing, should not be tolerated. Respect is about accepting people for who they are,
for their best selves - not about accepting bad behavior.
Practicing Respect
But isn't it easier just to be with kids who are like you? Kids who have the same skin and
hair color? Who speak the same language? Who think the way you do?
Easier, maybe. But sticking with the easy way also means missing out. You won't get to
find out about different cultures or learn about new ideas, places, or ways of looking at
the world. You'll also miss out on making new friends.
Getting to know someone who's different than you might seem a little uncomfortable at
first. Here's how a kid named Mike puts it: "When I see somebody who's not like me, my
first reaction is to keep my distance. But after getting to know this really cool kid - who's
totally unlike me - I realized that everybody's just looking for a friend."
A smile and a simple "hi" are all you need. All it takes is one person to take the first step.
Why not you?
Updated and reviewed by: Neil Izenberg, MD
Date reviewed: April 2004
Originally reviewed by: W. Douglas Tynan, PhD
About Us / Contact Us / Partners / Editorial Policy / Privacy Policy & Terms of Use
Note: All information on KidsHealth is for educational purposes only. For specific
medical advice, diagnoses, and treatment, consult your doctor.
©1995-2006 The Nemours Foundation. All rights reserved.
Developing Your Child's Self-Esteem
Healthy self-esteem is a child's armor against the challenges of the world. Kids who feel
good about themselves seem to have an easier time handling conflicts and resisting
negative pressures. They tend to smile more readily and enjoy life. These kids are
realistic and generally optimistic.
In contrast, for children who have low self-esteem, challenges can become sources of
major anxiety and frustration. Children who think poorly of themselves have a hard time
finding solutions to problems. If they are plagued by self-critical thoughts, such as "I'm
no good" or "I can't do anything right," they may become passive, withdrawn, or
depressed. Faced with a new challenge, their immediate response is "I can't." Read on to
discover the important role you can play in promoting healthy self-esteem in your child.
What Is Self-Esteem?
Self-esteem is the collection of beliefs or feelings that we have about ourselves, or our
"self-perceptions." How we define ourselves influences our motivations, attitudes, and
behaviors and affects our emotional adjustment.
Patterns of self-esteem start very early in life. For example, when a baby or toddler
reaches a milestone, he or she experiences a sense of accomplishment that bolsters selfesteem. Learning to roll over after dozens of unsuccessful attempts or finally mastering
getting the spoon into his or her mouth every time he or she eats are experiences that
teach a young child a "can do" attitude. The concept of success following persistence
starts early.
As a child tries, fails, tries again, fails again, and then finally succeeds, he or she is
developing ideas about his or her own capabilities. At the same time, he or she is creating
a self-concept based on interactions with other people. This is why parental involvement
is key to helping a child form accurate, healthy self-perceptions.
Self-esteem can also be defined as the combination of feelings of capability with feelings
of being loved. A child who is happy with an achievement but does not feel loved may
eventually experience low self-esteem. Likewise, a child who feels loved but is hesitant
about his or her own abilities can also end up with a low self-esteem. Healthy self-esteem
results when the right balance is attained.
Signs of Unhealthy and Healthy Self-Esteem
Self-esteem fluctuates as a child grows. It is frequently changed and fine-tuned, because
it is affected by a child's experiences and new perceptions. It helps for parents to be
aware of the signs of both healthy and unhealthy self-esteem.
A child who has low self-esteem may not want to try new things. He or she may
frequently speak negatively about his or herself, saying such things as, "I'm stupid," "I'll
never learn how to do this," or "What's the point? Nobody cares about me anyway." The
child may exhibit a low tolerance for frustration, giving up easily or waiting for
somebody else to take over. Children with low self-esteem tend to be overly critical of
and easily disappointed in themselves. Kids with low self-esteem see temporary setbacks
as permanent, intolerable conditions. A sense of pessimism predominates.
A child who has healthy self-esteem tends to enjoy interacting with others. He or she is
comfortable in social settings and enjoys group activities as well as independent pursuits.
When challenges arise, he or she is able to work toward finding solutions. He or she
voices discontent without belittling herself or others. For example, rather than saying,
"I'm an idiot," a child with healthy self-esteem says, "I don't understand this." He or she
knows his or her strengths and weaknesses, and accepts them. A sense of optimism
prevails.
What Parents Can Do to Help
How can a parent help to foster healthy self-esteem in a child? Here are some tips that
can make a big difference:
Watch what you say. Children are very sensitive to parents' words. Remember to praise
your child not only for a job well done, but also for effort. But be truthful. For example, if
your child doesn't make the soccer team, avoid saying something like, "Well, next time
you'll work harder and make it." Instead, say something like, "Well, you didn't make the
team, but I'm really proud of the effort you put into it." Reward effort and completion
instead of outcome.
Be a positive role model. If you are excessively harsh on yourself, pessimistic, or
unrealistic about your abilities and limitations, your child may eventually mirror you.
Nurture your own self-esteem, and your child will have a great role model.
Identify and redirect your child's inaccurate beliefs. It's important for parents to identify
kids' irrational beliefs about themselves, whether they are about perfection, attractiveness,
ability, or anything else. Helping your child set more accurate standards and be more
realistic in evaluating himself or herself will help your child have a more healthy selfconcept. Inaccurate perceptions of self can take root and become reality to a child. For
example, a child who does very well in school but struggles with math may say, "I can't
do math. I'm a bad student." Not only is this a false generalization, it's also a belief that
will set your child up for failure. Encourage your child to see the situation in its true light.
A helpful response might be: "You are a good student. You do great in school. Math is
just a subject that you need to spend more time on. We'll work on it together."
Be spontaneous and affectionate with your child. Your love will go a long way to boost
your child's self-esteem. Give your child hugs. Tell your child you're proud of him or her.
Leave a note in your child's lunch box that reads, "I think you're terrific!" Give praise
frequently and honestly, without overdoing it. Kids can tell whether something comes
from the heart.
Give positive, accurate feedback. A comment such as, "You always work yourself up into
such a frenzy!" will cause a child to start believing he or she has no control over his or
her outbursts. A better statement is, "You were really mad at your brother. But I
appreciate that you didn't yell at him or hit him." This acknowledges your child's feelings
and rewards the choice that your child made, encouraging your child to make the right
choice again next time.
Create a safe, nurturing home environment. A child who does not feel safe or is being
abused at home will suffer immensely from low self-esteem. A child who is exposed to
parents who fight and argue repeatedly may become depressed and withdrawn. Always
remember to respect your child.
Make your home a safe haven for your family. Watch for signs of abuse by others,
problems in school, trouble with peers, and other potential factors that may affect your
child's self-esteem. Deal with these issues sensitively but swiftly.
Help your child become involved in constructive experiences. Activities that encourage
cooperation rather than competition are especially helpful in fostering self-esteem. For
example, mentoring programs in which an older child helps a younger one learn to read
can do wonders for both children.
Finding Professional Help
If you suspect your child has low self-esteem, you can get professional help. Family and
child counselors can work to uncover underlying issues that are preventing your child
from feeling good about himself or herself. Therapy can adjust the way a child views
himself or herself and the world. This can enable a child to first see himself or herself in a
more realistic light, and then to accept who he or she truly is. With a little help, every
child can develop healthy self-esteem for a happier, more fulfilling life.
Updated and reviewed by: David Sheslow, PhD and Colleen Taylor Lukens, MA
Date reviewed: June 2005
Originally reviewed by: Steve Dowshen, MD, and Brian Mesinger, PhD
About Us / Contact Us / Partners / Editorial Policy / Privacy Policy & Terms of Use
Note: All information on KidsHealth is for educational purposes only. For specific
medical advice, diagnoses, and treatment, consult your doctor.
©1995-2006 The Nemours Foundation. All rights reserved.
Dealing With Anger
Have you ever lost your temper? Did you yell and scream or want to hit someone? Maybe
your little brother got into your room and played with your toys without permission. Or
maybe your teacher gave you too much homework. Or maybe a friend borrowed your
favorite video game and then broke it. That made you angry!
Everyone gets angry. Maybe you "lose your cool" or "hit the roof." Anger can even be a
good thing. When kids are treated unfairly, anger can help them stand up for themselves.
The hard part is learning what to do with these strong feelings.
What Is Anger?
You have lots of emotions. At different times, you may be happy, sad, or jealous. Anger
is just another way we feel. It's perfectly OK to be angry at times — in fact, it's important
to get angry sometimes. But anger must be released in the right way. Otherwise you'll be
like a pot of boiling water with the lid left on. If the steam doesn't escape, the water will
finally boil over and blow its top! When that happens to you, it's no fun for anyone.
What Makes You Angry?
Many things may make kids angry. You may get angry when something doesn't go your
way. Maybe you get mad at yourself when you don't understand your homework or when
your team loses an important game. When you have a hard time reaching a goal you
might become frustrated. That frustration can lead to anger.
Kids who tease you or call you names can make you angry. Or you might get angry with
your parents if you think one of their rules is unfair. Worst of all is when you are blamed
for something you didn't do. But it's also possible to get angry and not even know why.
How Can I Tell When I'm Angry?
There are different ways people feel anger. Usually your body will tell you when you are
angry. Are you breathing faster? Is your face bright red? Are your muscles tense and your
fists clenched tight? Do you want to break something or hit someone? Anger can make
you yell or scream at those around you, even people you like or love.
Some people keep their anger buried deep inside. If you do this, you might get a
headache or your stomach might start to hurt. You may just feel crummy about yourself
or start to cry. It's not good to hide your anger, so you should find a way to let it out
without hurting yourself or others.
How Can I Tell When Someone Else Is Angry?
When someone you know is angry, he or she may stomp away or stop talking to you. He
or she may become quiet and withdrawn. Some people scream and try to hit or harm
anyone close by. If a person is this angry, you should get away as soon as possible.
Once you are away from the angry person, stop and think. Try to figure out what made
that person so angry. Can you make the situation better? How does the other person feel?
When the other person has cooled down, try to talk about the problem. Listen to what he
or she has to say.
What Should I Do If I Get Angry?
Don't lose control if you get angry. Taking it out on others never solves anything. Instead,
admit to yourself that you are angry and try to figure out why. What can you do to keep
the situation from happening again? If your little sister gets a toy and you don't, it's not
OK to break that toy. Maybe you can ask her to share it with you. Or if your science
homework is too hard, don't rip up your notebook. Ask your teacher or a parent for help
instead.
It helps to talk about your anger with an adult, such as a parent, teacher, or relative. Once
you talk about anger, those bad feelings usually start to go away.
Anger Busters
Here are some other things you can do when you start to feel angry:











talk to a friend you can trust
count to 10
get or give a hug
do jumping jacks or another exercise
draw a picture of your anger
play a video game
run around the outside of the house five times as fast as you can
sing along with the stereo
pull weeds in the garden
think good thoughts (maybe about a fun vacation or your favorite sport)
take a bike ride or go in-line skating
Never getting angry is impossible. Instead, remember that how you act when you're angry
can make the situation better or worse. Don't let anger control you. Take charge of it!
Reviewed by: W. Douglas Tynan, PhD
Date reviewed: July 2004
Originally reviewed by: Steven Dowshen, MD, and Edward Woomer, LCSW
About Us / Contact Us / Partners / Editorial Policy / Privacy Policy & Terms of Use
Note: All information on KidsHealth is for educational purposes only. For specific
medical advice, diagnoses, and treatment, consult your doctor.
©1995-2006 The Nemours Foundation. All rights reserved.
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