“The Armstrong & Miller Show” Series 3
(7 x 30’)
Episodic Synopses
A third series of the BAFTA Award winning sketch show which stars
Alexander Armstrong and Ben Miller in character based sketches that reveal
their exquisite sense for the absurd behind a veneer of po-faced
respectability.
Episode 1
1
KING ARTHUR'S
ROUND TABLE
King Arthur tells his men of a new table he has had built for
their meetings which indicates equality amongst his men.
2
COUPLES – NAZI
SYMPATHISER
A couple explain their personalities - the man is a nazi
sympathiser.
3
VAMPIRES BARNSLEY
Two elderly vampires struggle to keep up with the younger
'Twilight' generation in their search for women in a nightclub.
4
THE EXCITING
CHEFS!
WOODS/BADGER
A pair of wilderness chefs who ooze enthusiasm but lack
culinary skills and effort decide against cooking a dead badger
they have found.
5
PILOTS - D.DAY
LANDING
Our WWII Pilots are in a D-Day landing craft mistakenly
thinking their heading for a day our at the seaside. Filmed in
Studio at BBC TV Centre.
6
CAR DRUMMER
QUICKIE
A man plays drums on his car steering wheel only for the air
bag to explode in his face.
7
SHOUTING UP
THE ARSE 1
A ship's doctor tries an unusual medical technique to cure a
dying man.
8
COUPLES SCHOOL
A couple comprising of a teacher and his former pupil.
9
BRADY THE BEAR
A restaurants bear mascot gives a mum and her kids a far
from welcoming greeting when they come to dine in his
restaurant.
10
SHOUTING UP
THE ARSE CALLBACK 2
Yet more medical techniques fail to cure a dying man.
11
FARMER'S
MARKET
A musical sketch about the joys of Farmer's Markets.
12
BINS 2 - THE
ORGY
A man engaged in an orgy realises he’s forgotten to put his
bins out.
13
COUPLES TACTILE
A couple talk about how they feel it’s normal that she hates
him touching her.
14
WATSON'S NEW
GUY
Holmes bumps into Watson who has found a new employer.
15
BINS 3 - WITCHES
A puritan is chastising his pregnant daughter when he
remembers he’s forgotten to put the bins out.
16
ORIGINS OF
TEENAGERS
A young emo caveman is less than enthusiastic about
becoming an adult.
17
THIS ISN'T FUNNY
2 - SKIING
A man on a ski-ing holiday falls down a flight of stairs and
breaks his leg before even hitting the slopes.
18
ROLF & THE
MAJOR
Two war veterans bury the hatchet about WWII but fail to
come to an agreement on Katie Price and Peter Andre.
19
COCK PILLS
QUICKIE
A man is disappointed with the outcome of the cock enlarging
pills he has been taking.
20
TEST DRIVE HOUSE
Fantasist Paul alarms and estate agent when he looks around
a new home and acts out killing his wife.
21
TEST DRIVE HOUSE
CALLBACK
Paul buries his 'wife' in the back garden. Filmed on location in
West way, Rickmansworth.
Episode 2
1
MIDDLE CLASS
TATTOO
Two uber middle class men discuss holidays, before revealing
that one has been creating a Waitrose tattoo on the other.
2
THREESOME 2 PLAYGROUND
Some parents in a playground discover their children are to
attend the same primary school, buoyed by this coincidence
Mr Tudor inappropriately suggests a Threesome.
3
CRAZY PAVING
A German holiday maker attempts to explain crazy paving to
some German tourists he's met, with very limited success.
4
DENNIS LINCOLN
PARK 2 MONTAIGNE
(BARN)
COUPLES NAMES
Dennis exits a barn and slams it's door before a priceless
book, the barn collapses and the weather vain spears the
book he is holding.
5
A man recounts his relationship with his wife, getting
everything wrong including her name.
6
PILOTS RATIONING
Our pilots go to a shop to buy supplies for a picnic that far
exceed their rations. They take the opportunity of the
shopkeepers turned back to fill their pockets regardless.
7
THREESOME
RADIO
INTERVIEW
A radio interviewer suggests a threesome to his guests.
8
SPACE WANK 1
Steve is on a solo space mission and desperate for some
relief but the all seeing eye of the onboard computer, Sam is
unlikely to let him find an opportunity.
9
THE EXCITING
CHEFS!
WOODS/SNAIL
The chefs find a snail to cook but decide against it and opt for
a Michelin listed restaurant instead.
10
VAMPIRES ALPHA COURSE
The Vampires unwittingly attend a Christian meeting group in
their ongoing search for virginal blood.
11
COUPLES COMMUNAL
LIVING
Two couples speak of the benefits of communal living and
how they haven’t swapped partners - or have they?
12
BINS 4 DEATHBED
A dying man's last words are telling his son he's forgotten to
put the bins out.
13
SPACE WANK 3
Sam goes to the shower to try and relieve himself but Steve
sets off the onboard alarm system.
14
TIF - FRUIT
MACHINE
A man wins the jackpot but is instantly robbed.
15
SIMPKINS OF THE
FRANCE 1 HONEYMOON
Brit abroad, Simpkins attempts to make conversation with a
couple on honeymoon.
16
BOUDOIR
D'AMOUR ROLEPLAY
The least likely women to run a sex shop embarrass a
customer in search of a nurse’s uniform.
17
WEDDING
RITUALS QUICKIE
The father of the bride hangs himself from the ceiling by his
nipples as part of a wedding ritual.
18
RETIRED PE
TEACHER
A surgeon is about to perform surgery when he realises his
patient is his former bullying PE teacher, he cannot resist the
opportunity to unnerve him.
19
BRABBINS &
FYFFE - 1 BURLESQUE
Brabbins & Fyffe regale their audience with a song about the
merits of Burlesque.
20
SPACE WANK 4
More efforts by Sam are thwarted by the ever vigilant Steve.
Episode 3
1
KNIFE
An job interviewee lets his nerves get the better of him.
2
COUPLES - SYNC
A couple are so in sync they finish each other's sentences except they don’t.
3
BOUDOIR
D'AMOUR PHOTO SHOOT
A young newly engaged couple are brought back down to
earth by Yvonne and Lisa's vision of their future.
4
SPY GAMES - THE
OFFER
A retired Spy is asked to rejoin the services but refuses to go
back on the commitment he has made to an under 12s rugby
team, unless they’re part of the deal.
5
LATE NIGHT
CLERGY
Advert for a chat line to get to know men of the clergy.
6
INSISTENT
PARENTS
A pair of pensioners turn to drastic measure to ensure their
son takes the cheque they want to give him.
7
THREESOME 1 ACCIDENT
A cyclist knocks over a pedestrian but he's far more interested
in having a threesome than medical care.
8
VAMPIRES TATTOO
9
THE EXCITING
CHEFS!
WOODS/MUSHRO
OM
PROSTITUTE
LIBRARY
Horschtadt is faint after getting a tattoo to impress his
hairdresser in the hope she'll give herself over to him. The
young vampire arrives to say he's pipped Horschtadt to the
post.
Our chefs discover a rare mushroom but decide against eating
it.
10
A library adopts a new sideline in prostitutes.
11
SPY GAMES - THE
EXCHANGE
Bill goes to make a late night exchange in the woods with a
spy, accompanied by his rugby team.
12
COUPLES OPPOSITES
A couple are completely opposite and yet still get on - or do
they?
13
PHIL & KEN RETIREMENT
Businessmen Phil and Ken vow never to retire and will work
until their dying day - which in Phil's case may come sooner
than he expects.
14
PROSTITUTE
LIBRARY CALLBACK
The customer returns his prostitute late and faces a fine.
Filmed on Location at the Royal Masonic School for Girls,
Rickmansworth.
15
SIMPKINS OF THE
FRANCE 2 BUSINESSMAN
Simpkins attempts to impress a visiting businessman in
search of the Sacre Coeur with his knowledge of Paris - and
get some money.
16
LOADS OF THEM
The King gives his men a rousing speech ahead of battle but
on discovering there is a bigger enemy than initially thought,
back pedals frantically.
17
BINS 1 - THE
AFFAIR
A man discovers his wife is having an affair and sets about
battering her lover before remembering he's forgotten to put
out the bins.
18
ROYAL
CORRESPONDEN
T2
Terry Devlin, Royal Correspondent talks about his new
biography about Princess Diana.
19
SPY GAMES CINEMA
Bill follows his target to the cinema but is unable to enter the
film as his team are underage.
20
ORIGINS OF
ALCOHOL
The cavemen unwittingly discover alcohol when they leave
some berries for too long, drunken mayhem ensues, along
with the discovery of the kebab.
21
SPY GAMES TOILET
Bill is strangled in the toilets at the cinema but calls his rugby
team, to 'bundle' and is able to escape.
Episode 4
1
COUPLES UNIVERSITY
A woman recounts how she met her husband at university - he
has no idea who she is.
2
STRIDING MAN FUN RUN 1
Our Striding man attempts a fun run and is inundated with
miscellaneous facts.
3
DENNIS LINCOLN
PARK 3 PRINTING
Dennis shows his audience a priceless printing press and in
the process ruins the place.
4
THE EXCITING
CHEFS!
WOODS/RABBIT
The chjefs decide against roasting a rabbit on an open fire as
they're unable to start a fire and would be much more
comfortable at Rory's mum's holiday cottage.
5
BRABBINS &
FYFFE - 2 - I SAY
I'M DOING THIS
A song about Fyffe's tendency to do the exact opposite of
what he says he's doing.
6
TIF - SWIMMING
POOL
A man and his children discover their clothes have been
stolen whilst they were swimming.
7
PHIL & KEN DIVORCE
Cheryl 3 has kicked Phil out and he's sleeping in his shop,
Ken is surprised to see how hairy Phil is.
8
RECOVERING
PIRATE 1 DOUBLOONS
A pirate attempts to give up his life of pirating under the ever
watchful eye of his overbearing wife, but is constantly
reminded of his former life.
9
PILOTS - BURIED
Our pilots are buried up to their necks in sand after refusing to
partake in building the Bridge over the River Kwai for health
and safety reasons.
10
SIMPKINS OF THE
FRANCE 3 - GIRL
Simpkins attempts to impress a beautiful girl but is given short
shrift when her boyfriend appears.
11
COUPLES - SOUP
A man wonders how he ended up running a company with the
man who murdered his mother.
12
VAMPIRES SALSA
The vampires go to a salsa night in an attempt to find women.
13
BINS 7 - BUCHAN
A secret agent is making a covert escape when he realises
he's forgotten to put the bins out.
14
RECOVERING
PIRATE PET
SHOP
Tom Teach attempts to forget about his pirating ways but
stumbles across parrots on special offer in his local pet shop.
15
ROYAL
CORRESPONDEN
T3
Terry Devlin comentates on the Queen's lunch with an African
dictator, demonstrating yet again next to no inside knowledge
of the Royal Family.
16
BINS 5 - GAY
A teenage son confides in his parents that he's gay - his Dad
realises that he's forgotten to put the bins out.
17
RECOVERING
PIRATE 3 - PUB
QUIZ
Tom and Inez join friends for a local pub quiz but Tom sees a
Sea Shanty night populated by pirates in the pub opposite.
18
GOVT AD RECYCLING
Advertisement warning of what could happen if you don’t
recycle properly.
19
ORIGINS OF
MEETING THE
PARENTS
Arg meets his future in laws but is asked to wear a tusk
through his penis as part of a werdding ritual. Filmed on
location at Black Park Lake, Bucks.
20
ORIGINS OF
MEETING THE
PARENTS Callback
Arg has fulfilled his duty but looks deeply uncomfortable about
it.
Episode 5
1
SPEECH
A man performs a rousing religious speech before revealing
he is a bingo caller.
2
BLUETOOTH
EARPIECE
A Home Secretary confuses his minister by going between his
bluetooth earpiece and a conversation they are having about a
gay disabled basketball team of asylum seekers.
3
ORIGINS OF
CHARITY
A charity collector gets an unwelcome reception.
4
MEDIA COACH 1 RUNNING
A coach tries to motivate his pentathlete with promises of
appearances of light entertainment shows.
5
THE EXCITING
CHEFS! BEACH
Flint and Rory decide to go to Rick Stein's palce rather than
find their own food.
6
VAMPIRES SHOPPING
Horschtadt is shopping for clothes to try and look young and
trendy, they take a shine to the shop assistant but are thrown
out by a butch security guard.
7
COUPLES - NOT
GAY
A couple of men live together but aren’t gay.
8
TIF RESTAURANT
A man regales his friends with a story about his honeymoon
before choking.
9
ROYAL
CORRESPONDEN
T - ROYAL
WEDDING
STRIDING MAN SCHOOL 1
Terry reports from a royal wedding but is asked to move on
because of his restraining order.
11
DENNIS LINCOLN
PARK 4 LEONARDO
Dennis looks at some old Leonardo prints but knocks
potassium into a fountain, causing an explosion and the book
to become damaged.
12
NATURAL COVER
CAPTAIN
A Ship's captain uses cannon fire to cover the sound of him
passing wind.
13
PHIL & KEN PILLOWCASE
Ken doesn’t recognise Ken when he turns up wearing a hat.
Phil is in hiding as he's concerned someone is out to kill him.
Phil gets shot but the bullet is stopped by Ken's carpet book.
14
NATURAL COVER
CAPTAIN 2
The Captain uses a rousing speech and his crew's shouts to
cover yet more flatulence.
15
ROYAL
CORRESPONDEN
T - ROYAL
WEDDING callback
COUPLES GETTING ON
Still trying to report at the royal wedding, Terry gets tazered.
17
NATURAL COVER
CAPTAIN 3
The First Officer is playing his flute when the Captain appears
to accompany him on a big drum, the makes a hasty retreat.
18
TEST DRIVE KIDS PARTY
Paul is shown round a venue for a kids party, he re-enacts the
day going wrong.
10
16
Striding man takes a job in a school and is advised by
Children.
Two sets of couples talk about how well they get on, until one
of the men mentions a woman called Hermoine - who noone
else seems to know.
19
STRIDING MAN SCHOOL 3
Striding man throws in the towel when a better offer comes in.
20
HITLER'S BALL 1
When top secret info that Hitler only has one testical reaches
British intelligence, washed up composer Harold is
commissioned to write a song and win the war.
21
HITLER'S BALL 2
The germans come back with a countersong, but without the
same success. Filmed on Location at the Chiltern Campus.
Episode 6
1
SURVEILLANCE
VAN
Two surveillance teams fail to realise they are listening in to
each other.
2
THE EXCITING
CHEFS!
WOODS/BERRIES
The Chefs find some berries but opt for an evening in at their
hotel watching a film instead.
3
DENNIS LINCOLN
PARK - MADONNA
Dennis presents an ancient statue of the Madonna but spits
out some spirit on candles and burns it down.
4
COUPLES - MINI
BREAK
Greg regales us as to how he met his wife when away, she
cannot speak English but manages to raise a pitiful 'help me'.
5
VAMPIRES DOORMAN
The vampires attempt to get into a club to find women but are
refused entrance.
6
GOVT AD GLOBAL
WARMING
Go ad, warning of punishment if wrongly referring to global
warming.
7
ORIGINS OF
BREAK UPS
A cavewoman leaves her husband.
8
THREESOME
INTERVIEW
A man has a job interview and proposes a threesome with his
two female interviewers.
9
BOUDOIR
D'AMOUR - HEN
NIGHT
Yvonne sells a hen some deep heat to arouse her fiancé.
10
NEWS
ARGUMENT IN
DELAY 1
A news anchor takes advantage of a delay in the line to his
overseas reporter, to embarrass him on live TV.
11
COUPLES - LET
MYSELF GO
A woman tells how her husband doesn't mind her wobbling
arse - he doesn’t seem so sure.
12
TEST DRIVE CAMPING
Paul test drives some camps in a camping shop.
13
THREESOME 6 REGISTRAR
A couple have just been married by a registrar, the man asks
his wife and the registrar for a threesome.
14
NEW JOB
A man starts a new job at the megastore supermarket
company.
15
PILOTS - ENIGMA
The pilots pretend they have broken a secret nazi code.
16
THE LONGEST
SULK
A man embarks on a lifetime sulk when his wife mentions her
exboyfriend.
17
NEWS
ARGUMENT IN
DELAY 2
The delayed argument continues.
18
THREESOME 4 TAXI
A man asks some fellow passengers for a threesome.
19
SIMPKINS OF THE
FRANCE 4 GERMAN
Simpkins fails to understand a fellow ex-pat who now lives in
Germany. Filmed in Studio at BBC TV Centre.
20
NEWS
ARGUMENT IN
DELAY 3
And the argument continues. Filmed in Studio at BBC TV
Centre.
Episode 7
1
EMERGENCY
STOP
A driving test examiner tells his passenger to perform an
emergency stop, after he's run someone over.
2
FILTHY
QUADRILLE SAILOR'S ARM
An Austinesque dance and one of the males is unable to
move as freely as he would like to the obstruction in his
trousers.
3
PILOTS HOSPITAL
4
WHITE DEVIL MAMAFAT
One of the pilots is hospitalised after losing a leg, the doctor's
compassion doesn't go down well with the pilot who calls him
a 'bender' and tells him to shove the proposed false leg up his
arse.
Pretentious Dr Tia, fails to notice the true meaning of the
name the local villagers have given him.
5
DENNIS LINCOLN
PARK –
TAPESTRY
Dennis Lincoln Park unwittingly unravels a priceless tapestry.
6
THREESOME INTERVIEW
An interviewee proposes a threesome with his interviewers.
7
WHO DO YOU
THINK YOU ARE?
Alexander Armstrong unearths some unwelcome revelations
about his ancestors.
8
BLUE PETER
1
The Kids TV Presenters apologise for their indiscretions.
9
KING ARTHUR'S
ROUND TABLE
King Arthur tells his men of a new table he has had built for
their meetings which indicates equality amongst his men.
10
BRABBINS &
FYFFE - TRAIN
Brabbins and Fyffe sing about the perils of needing a number
2 on a train.
11
TEACHERS 6
A man tells about how after a spot of cabbying he decided to
go for the easier career option and become a cabbie.
12
DENTIST - FURRY
WILLY
The inappropriate dentist regales his patient with too much
information about his son's reference to his hairy penis.
13
WATSON'S NEW
GUY
Holmes bumps into Watson who has found a new employer.
14
PETE AND ROG BONDAGE
Rog comes home early to find Pete and Holly engaged in
some bondage, they pass it off as a surprise fancy dress
Easter party.
15
CAR DRUMMER
QUICKIE
A man plays drums on his car steering wheel only for the air
bag to explode in his face.
16
ORIGINS OF ART
CRITICISM
A sketch showing the beginnings of art criticism.
17
COUPLES FINISHING
SENTENCES
A couple explain their personalities - the man is a nazi
sympathiser.
18
FRANK DAD DIVORCE
Frank Dad tells Paul of the real reason he and his wife got
divorced - him.
19
SAFETY FILM –
SEATBELT
70s safety film suggesting that packing loads of kids in the
back seat is a good safety mechanism.
20
SHOUTING UP
THE ARSE
A ship's doctor tries an unusual medical technique to cure a
dying man.
22
SHOUTING UP
THE ARSE CALLBACK
Yet more medical techniques fail to cure a dying man.