SCENES FROM SUIYI
Shut me down, already
Nate to FSU girl: "Say, have you met Matt yet?"
FSU girl: "No."
Nate: "Ok, this is Matt. He's teaching here in China."
FSU girl: "Really? How is it?"
Me: "Well, it's good if--"
FSU girl: "I want to pee! But I hate doing it in public here!"
Life of the party
[A cute FSU girl in a low-cut top and denim skirt leans against the bar, sulking.]
Nate: "Hey, why aren't you having fun?"
Girl: "I would have fun, but there are too many Chinese girls here."
[Anar begins his beatbox routine in the background.]
Me: "Anar's kickin' into his sh*t now."
Nate: "Hey, you want to go watch my friend beatbox? He's really good."
Girl: "I can hear it from here."
Don't touch my camera, damn you!
Mormon Matt [whining voice]: "Hey Nate, have you seen my camera?"
Nate: "It's somewhere behind the bar, I think. We were taking pictures with cameras
earlier."
Matt: "Did you take pictures with my camera?"
Nate: "Oh, uh, dunno ..."
[Five minutes later.]
Matt [whining voice]: "You don't f*cking take pictures with other people's f*cking
cameras!"
Nate: "Look, here it is."
Matt: "I'm leaving, sniff."
A trip to the psychiatrist's office
Cindy: "Do you know where Brian is tonight?"
Me: "Wo bu zhidao. (No.)"
Cindy: "Come on, you can tell me. Does Brian have a new girlfriend?"
Me [laughing]: "I don't know."
Cindy: "We're friends, you should tell me."
Me: "Wo zhen bu renshi ni, ni zhen bu renshi wo. (I really don't know you, you really
don't know me.)"
Cindy: "Ok, then I will tell you about myself."
[30 minutes later.]
Cindy: "I really like talking a lot."
Me: "I noticed."
Cindy: "So, does Brian have a new girlfriend?"
Me: "I don't know. It's not important."
Cindy: "I just want to know so that ... I can congratulate him."
Me: "Yeah, ok, look, Brian shouldn't be an important part of your life anymore. [sotto
voce]Besides, you're not important to him anymore.[/sotto voce]"
Cindy: "Huh what?"
[15 minutes later.]
Cindy: "I want a man, not a boy."
Me [struggling to stay awake]: "Uh-huh."
Cindy: "You know, I've only done ... special things ... with two men."
Me [still struggling to stay awake]: "Uh-huh."
[10 minutes later; Nate and his girl Annie show up after making out in the back of the
club again.]
Cindy: "So I guess you'll be going."
Me: "Yeah."
Cindy: "Well, you have my number and I have yours. Maybe one day, when we have
free time, you and I can get together and talk about life, love, relationships and
spirituality."
Me [struggling not to laugh]: "And you can ask me if Brian has a new girlfriend."
SCENES FROM BOOMERANG
An entrance
With a change in management at Boomerang came a change in the decor, and the old
doors were replaced by a pair of thick, gaudy metal doors. Next to the handles on the
front of the doors is the Chinese character for "pull" along with the word "TULL"
printed in English. This typo is repeated on the back side of the doors as well, and
guests are told to "TUSH" the doors on the way out.
Phone slave
Me [calling Brian]: "Nate told me he talked to you but he's so drunk he doesn't
remember what you said."
Brian: "Damn, I told him to play it cool and hook up with his bar girl."
Me: "Ok."
Brian: "If you see my girl in there, tell her to go outside and give me a call."
Me: "Ok."
[Five minutes later, inside the club.]
Brian [gives me a call, forcing me to go outside to answer]: "What's going on? Is my
girl going to call me?"
Me: "Hold on, she's right here. You want to talk to her on my phone?"
Brian: "Nah, I'll call her on her phone."
Me: "Ok then."
[Two minutes later, Brian calls again.]
Me [rushing outside the club]: "What? Hello hello?" [I dial his number after a
disconnection.]
Brian: "Yo."
Me: "What do you need?"
Brian: "I think you should get yourself a bar girl, too."
Me: "Gyeeagh."
What's in a name?
Brian's girl: "Do you have cigarette?"
Me: "Wo bu chou yan. (I don't smoke.)"
Brian's girl: "Ahh, ni hui shuo putonghua! (You can speak Chinese!)"
Me: "Yidianr. (A little.)"
Brian's girl: "What's your name?"
Me: "Maixiu."
Brian's girl: "Michel?"
Me: "Maixiu shi wo de Zhongguo mingzi. Wo de Yingyu mingzi shi Matt. Ni jiao
shenme mingzi? (Maixiu is my Chinese name. My English name is Matt. What's your
name?)"
Brian's girl: "Ah, my name is Christina!"
Me: "Ni de Zhongguo mingzi shi shenme? (What's your Chinese name?)"
Brian's girl Christina: "Han Xu."
[10 minutes later.]
Me: "Did you know that Brian's girl's name is Christina?"
Nate: "No, I didn't know that."
Me: "And her Chinese name is Han Xu, though she's Korean."
Nate: "Han ... Xu. Hey, you should tell it to Brian. He doesn't know her name, either."