Heritage Baptist Church
Helping Children Process Death
As a parent who loves a child, guiding children through
grief can be frightening. As a grown-up we want to protect
our children, make things better and take the hurt away.
Need more support or have questions- my door is always
open. Need to borrow children’s books and or need a safe place
to talk? I have a comfortable couch in my office and I am always
up for a trip to a coffee shop.
One of the main reasons why I choose to serve in a
church is to help people walk through difficult times. On a
personal note- my little sister died when I was a freshman in high
school from a terminal illness. I miss her, but her death prepared
me to not shy away from sad topics with children (and adults).
Unfortunately, death is a part of life and talking about death is a
way to honor life.
Ecclesiastes 3
There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under the havens:
a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.
Grace and Peace, Rev. Skye Hallman
BUT you can’t always do all those things…
Death is a topic that is always sad! Let them know you are
sad too. It’s okay to let your children see your sadness.
Children need you to be their teacher and guide. Tell your
child that is okay to cry, and it’s equally okay not to cry. Be
honest and admit you don’t know all the answers.
Listen and follow your child’s lead.
There are still many people who think that the topic of
death should hidden from children. Some rush to replace
the dead goldfish, hoping to protect their child from
sadness. When a pet dies it is a perfect time to explain
death, so that when a loved one dies you don’t have to
start from scratch. Don’t be afraid to have a simple funeral
for a family pet. Starting the conversation early takes some
of the fear out of the topic of death.
Some think that children should not go to funerals or
memorial services, but remember that children need to
grieve and be given the opportunity to participate during a
very important and life-changing time. If a close family
member dies, involve the child as much as possible in the
funeral planning. Let them know they will not be alone
during the funeral and in the days ahead you and other
people who love them will be there to be give comfort,
support and answer any questions.
You can explain death clearly and gently to your child. And
no one can do it better than a parent who loves them!
Older children may have more questions about details;
younger children need a simple explanation. Sharing your
family’s religious beliefs very is helpful too.
HOW TO TALK ABOUT DEATH
( Talking points )
Death is… What is dead?
When people die, all their body parts stop working.
They don’t feel or think anymore.
They don’t hurt. They don’t breathe in or out.
They don’t eat anymore.
They don’t go to the bathroom.
They are not sad or scared. They are dead.
Dead is NOT at all like sleeping.
When you sleep, all your parts work. You dream and
you wake up in the morning.
A dead person never wakes up.
The dead person’s body will feel different, too.
The body will be cold and solid feeling.
At the funeral you may see the body you may have
more questions. I’ll be there to help answer those
questions.
The part of the person that laughed and lived is
gone now.
What is left is just the body:
Like a schoolhouse without any children.
Like a peanut shell without the peanut.
Everything that lives must die at sometime.
Leaves die in the autumn and fall from the trees.
Animals live awhile and then die.
Usually people live a long, long time.
Sometimes accidents happen and people die every
suddenly.
It okay to feel sad, mad or confused when people
die.
TWO –FIVE yr olds
 Be honest. Tell the child why the person died.
 Use phrases such as DEAD and DIED.
Avoid passed away, is asleep or God needed
another angel (This makes God seem mean and
took away someone they loved.)
 Answer questions:
 Explain the feelings they may have.
It’s okay to cry and be sad. Even big people cry. It’s
okay to play, too.
 Be sure your child knows that they did not cause the
death. (Children this age often believe that if they have
“bad” thoughts bad things can happen.)
Cuddle and hug and make sure they know they are
loved.
SIX TO NINE yr olds
Children this age may know death is final but they may not
want to admit it. They still watch cartoons. They’ve seen
violence on tv, they know what it’s like to be afraid. They
may still overestimate their own power to cause the death
and may think death is contagious. (If I play with “Nancy
know that her mother died, my mommy may die too.)
 Be honest. Tell the child why the person died.
 Use phrases such as DEAD and DIED.
Avoid passed away, is asleep or God needed
another angel (This makes God seem mean
and took away someone they loved.)
 Ask what the child already understands. Work from
those questions.
 Explain that questions are good and grow ups have
questions too.
 Be sure they know nothing they thought or did
caused the death.
 Talk about any fears they have.