Assertive Communication
Presentation Outline
1.
Time
5 min
Topic/ Activities
Welcome/Intro/Purpose
2.
15 min
Assertive Communication
• 4 styles of
communication: passive,
aggressive, passiveaggressive, & assertive
• What IS Assertive
Communication
• Advantages
• Disadvantages
• What Assertive
Communication IS NOT
• What does Assertive
Communication LOOK
Like
• Strategies for Developing
Assertive Communication
3.
10 min
Think – Feel – Do Loop
• Explanation
• Exercise
4.
10 min
DESC Model – I Messages
• Explanation
• Exercise
5.
5 min
Wrap-Up
Who
Tasks
Post on Flipchart
Prepare ahead of time on
Flipchart
Share
Information/Discuss
1. Welcome to the 2010 Conflict Resolution Day celebrations.
Conflict Resolution Day is an international celebration held annually on the third
Thursday in October.
The materials presented today were gathered and organized by The Alberta Conflict
Resolution Day Committee. This committee, formed 4 years ago, is comprised of
representatives from various departments of the Government of Alberta and your local
not for profit community and is being presented in approximately 40 different
communities in Alberta today.
My name is …
I am a volunteer with …
We hope you find this presentation helpful and informative!
ASSERTIVE COMMUNICATION
Ever end up frustrated after a conversation with someone because you didn’t feel like
you communicated as well as you would have liked?
Ever walk away from a conversation asking yourself what just happened?
Assertiveness is a style of communication that greatly enhances our effectiveness with
others and produces the most positive outcomes. Assertiveness can enhance the following:
Improve interpersonal relationships
Reduce conflicts/anxiety
Enhance self esteem
Retrain self respect
Minimize stress
Treats others respectfully
Reduce feelings of helplessness/depression
Gives a sense of control
2. Generally, there are 4 styles of communication.
1. PASSIVE
2. AGGRESSIVE
3. PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE
4. ASSERTIVE
A person operating from the Passive style tends to avoid conflict at all costs. This
person will internalize discomfort rather than risk upsetting others. This style tends to result
in a lose-win situation, and results in feelings of victimization, resentment, and a loss of a
sense of control. A person who uses this style in many of his daily interactions has the
underlying belief that other peoples’ needs are more important than their own, and that if he
speaks up, others will ignore or reject him. This individual usually has a low sense of selfesteem, and has a difficult time recognizing his/her own needs and knowing how to get
them met more appropriately.
The Aggressive person creates a win-lose situation. This individual uses
intimidation and control to get his/her needs met, and is disrespectful and hurtful to others
in communications. This person has the underlying beliefs that power and control are the
only way to get needs met. This person operates from a real sense of inadequacy and may
have a lack of empathy for others.
The Passive-Aggressive person incorporates elements of both of the previous
styles. He tends to use procrastination, forgetfulness, and intentional inefficiency rather that
being direct in his communications with others.
The Assertive person is direct with the goal of creating a win-win situation. This
style respects one’s own rights and opinions, as well as those of the other person. This
individual operates from the belief that each of us is responsible for solving our own
problems, and neither party in communication has to justify themselves to each other. This
person takes responsibility for his own decisions and action.
We’re going to look at Assertive Communication today.
What IS assertive communication?
Assertive communication is the ability to express positive and negative ideas and
feelings in an open, honest and direct way. It recognizes our rights whilst still respecting
the rights of others. It allows us to take responsibility for ourselves and our actions
without judging or blaming other people. And it allows us to constructively confront and
find a mutually satisfying solution where conflict exists.
So why use assertive communication?
All of us use assertive behaviour at times... quite often when we feel vulnerable or
unsure of ourselves we may resort to submissive, manipulative or aggressive
behaviour.
Yet being trained in assertive communication actually increases the appropriate use of
this sort of behaviour. It enables us to swap old behaviour patterns for a more positive
approach to life. I've found that changing my response to others (be they work
colleagues, clients or even my own family) can be exciting and stimulating.
The advantages of assertive communication
There are many advantages of assertive communication, most notably these:
• It helps us feel good about ourselves and others
• It leads to the development of mutual respect with others
• It increases our self-esteem
• It helps us achieve our goals
• It minimizes hurting and alienating other people
• It reduces anxiety
• It protects us from being taken advantage of by others
• It enables us to make decisions and free choices in life
• It enables us to express, both verbally and non-verbally, a wide range of feelings
and thoughts, both positive and negative
There are, of course, disadvantages...
Disadvantages of assertive communication
• Others may not approve of this style of communication, or may not approve of
the views you express
• Having a healthy regard for another person's rights means that you won't always
get what YOU want
• You may also find out that you were wrong about a viewpoint that you held
• Most importantly, as mentioned earlier, it involves the risk that others may not
understand and therefore not accept this style of communication.
What assertive communication is not...
• Assertive communication is definitely NOT a lifestyle!
• It's NOT a guarantee that you will get what you want.
•
•
It's definitely NOT an acceptable style of communication with everyone,
But at least it's NOT being aggressive.
But it IS about choice
WHAT DOES ASSERTIVE COMMUNICATION LOOK LIKE?
Much of our communication is non-verbal. A person with an assertive communication
style has a body language that conveys openness and receptiveness. Posture is
upright, movements are fluid and relaxed, tone of voice is clear and with inflection. An
assertive person makes good eye contact, and is aware of personal space.
When giving opinions, an assertive person is willing to express his opinion, and also is
open to hearing other’s points of view. He is direct, but not argumentative or
threatening. He does not use sarcasm or gossip as a way to communicate. He does not
silently sit back out of fear of not being liked.
When an assertive person receives feedback from others, she is able to listen and
accept what the other person has to say, even if she doesn’t agree. Many people have
a hard time receiving feedback, even if it’s positive. How many times has someone paid
you a compliment and you simply dismiss it, or minimize it rather than hearing it and
simply saying “thanks”! No one likes to hear negative feedback, but an assertive person
does not react to criticism by counter-attacking, denying, or feeling anxious or
inadequate. She makes conscious choices about how to respond the criticism.
She may ask for clarification to make sure she is really hearing what the other person is
saying. She can validate the others’ feelings, without necessarily agreeing with the
person’s feedback. If the negative feedback is valid, she accepts responsibility.
STRATEGIES FOR DEVELOPING ASSERTIVE COMMUNICATION
• Watch your body posture – practice using an open, assertive body language
and voice.
• Maintain eye contact: demonstrates interest, shows sincerity
• Think before you speak. Take a few seconds to make sure you are conveying
the right message, and in the way you want to convey it
• Tone of voice – a level, well modulated tone is more convincing and
acceptable, and is not intimidating
• Don’t apologize if it’s not warranted.
• Remember it is ok to say “no”
• Content – how, where and when you choose to comment is probably more
important than WHAT you say
• Remember everyone is entitled to an opinion, and don’t try to convince others
that yours is the “right” one. Also know that you don’t have to apologize or
make excuses.
3.
Think – Feel – Do Loop:
(Another Way to Think about Assumptions and Emotions)
An Explanation for Facilitators
Whereas the Think-Feel-Do loop is similar to the Conflict Cycle, the purpose of sharing
this illustration is to help enhance your awareness of how you are thinking and feeling
and, then, how to identify points where you could change your thoughts and behaviours.
For example - IF YOU ARE “FEELING” BAD, YOU ARE LIKELY “THINKING” BAD
(and vice versa).
This model may be used to gain a deeper sense of what’s happening on the individual
level.
EMOTIONS
THOUGHTS
ACTIONS
lives,
Influenced by our previous experiences, significant events in our
education, values, beliefs, culture, society.
Emotions:
Can be negative, positive, or neutral.
Actions:
This can encompass all kinds of interpersonal conflict behaviours
range from avoiding to confronting. For example, it might be
something that you regret later, or trying to make everyone happy.
the responses you typically have in conflict result in the outcome
hope for?
Thoughts:
that
saying
Do
you
Think-Feel-Do Loop:
Can start on any side of the triangle but the important component
to
recognize is the interconnection of thoughts, feelings, and actions
and
that it is not always a conscious connection. Each can influence
the other
and over time can become difficult to separate as the loop
continues and
reinforces itself. If there has been a negative
thought/feeling/action
pattern in one situation, we all too often rely on that
pattern when
encountering what seem to be similar situations.
Thus, when in conflict it
is important to ask, “Why am I
thinking/feeling/ or responding to the
situation in this way? Is it
appropriate? What assumptions am I making?
How do I want to
respond? What outcome do I want?”
For an illustrated explanation please see:
http://thecoupleconnection.net/articles/64
Think – Feel – Do – Loop Exercise:
1. Ask participants to think back to an example of conflict from their own lives in which the
outcome was not what they had hoped. It may be the same situation they thought about in
Section II of the workshop.
2. Once participants have a situation in mind, have them ask themselves: “What was I thinking
at that moment? What thoughts were going through my head?” And then write these down
on a piece of paper.
3. Ask participants to then give examples of thoughts and write them down on the flip chart.
(Label this page: “Thoughts”).
4. Continuing with the same situation have participants think about how these thoughts led
them to feel certain ways. Ask participants to share some of the feelings they were
experiencing and write these down on the flip chart. (Label this page: Feelings)
5. Now ask participants what actions they took in that situation and if they think their actions
were impacted by their thoughts and feelings at the time.
Refer participants to the THINK-FEEL-DO diagram (on a separate hand-out) and given
below. Explain that thoughts, feelings, and actions are powerfully connected to each other.
Over time the components can become difficult to separate as the loop continues to
reinforce itself. If there has been a negative thought/feeling/action pattern in one situation
we all too often rely on that pattern when encountering what seem to be similar situations.
6. Emphasize with participants that understanding this unconscious connection can help when
attempting to make conscious change to our actions and thoughts when in conflict.
Challenging assumptions, shifting our perspective, and learning new communication skills
can all impact this loop and steer it in a new direction.
4.
DESC Model for “I” Messages
Describe:
Describe what you are seeing, hearing, the situation
Express:
Express your response, what is going on for you emotionally, (can
also be used to check out assumptions)
Specify:
State your preferred need
Consequence:
Comment on the positive benefits/result for you both
DESCRIBE
“When I hear…”
No “You’s”
or
“When I see…”
or
“When ______happens…”
EFFECT
“I feel…”
“I am…”
SPECIFIC
“I would appreciate it if…”
or
“I need…”
or
“I’d like…”
CONSEQUENCE
Again, No
“You’s”
(State the positive consequence for you both)
“That way we could…”
or
“Then we will be able…”
DESC Examples
D:
“When I get interrupted
E:
I feel frustrated and annoyed
S:
I would appreciate it if I could fully share my perspective
C:
So we can together come up with the best decisions for this office.”
D:
“When I read that report and realized it wasn’t finished
E:
I was worried
S:
I need to have a complete version
C:
So that our presentation to the Board is thorough and we look competent.”
D:
“When I heard I had to have the analysis completed by Friday
E:
I felt overwhelmed and alarmed
S:
I need to have the time to complete my work
C:
So that we both are confident the results are accurate.”
Use the Assertive Communication model (DESC) to respond to the following
1. Your co-worker walks by you and slams a file on your desk yelling “There, it’s yours, you
can have it!” You say…
____________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________
2. A client called your office three times in the past 15 minutes and you have been unable
to locate the person he needs to talk to about his case. He has become progressively
more abusive with each call and this time is yelling and using language you find
offensive. You respond by saying…
____________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________
3. A friend stood you up twice in a row last week, you talked to her about it and she said
that she was really sorry so you set another date. You have been waiting for her at the
coffee shop and she is 30 minutes late! You finally see her rushing through the door,
she sits down and you say…
____________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________
4. You have been assigned a research project with a co-worker. Being that you are on a
really tight time line the two of you had a meeting to assign tasks hoping to be as
efficient as possible. You are now in a meeting with your co-worker only to find that he
hasn’t finished any of the pieces that were assigned to him and this puts you way behind
schedule; you highly doubt that you will be done in time for the presentation. You say…
____________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________
5. You asked your spouse to help you clean out the garage on Saturday. You just
overheard your spouse talking on the phone making plans to go out with friends during
the allotted time. You say…
___________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________
5.
Wrap-Up
Assertiveness is a useful communication tool. It's application is contextual and it's not
appropriate to be assertive in all situations. Remember, your sudden use of
assertiveness may be perceived as an act of aggression by others.
There's also no guarantee of success, even when you use assertive communication
styles appropriately.
"Nothing on earth can stop the individual with the right mental attitude from achieving
their goal; nothing on earth can help the individual with the wrong mental attitude" W.W.
Ziege
FINAL THOUGHTS
• Be patient – learning new behaviors takes time, and it will feel awkward at first.
• Practice leads to improvement.
• Expect some resistance from others.
• Becoming assertive may never feel as comfortable as being passive or
aggressive, if that’s your learned style, but the rewards are worth the effort.
• Recognize and validate yourself for improvement.
Information presented found at:
When you match consumer psychology with effective communication styles you get a
powerful combination. Lee Hopkins can show you how to communicate better for better
business results. At Hopkins-Business-Communication-Training.com you can find the
secrets to communication success.
Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Lee_Hopkins
Angie Woodward is a Registered Nurse in Wyoming and is the founder and
owner/director of Trinity Teen Solutions, Inc. TTS is a licensed Christian Residential
Treatment center for at risk teen girls and their families. Call 307-645-3384 for a free
consultation.
Kit Hennessy, LPC, CEAP Faculty and Employee Assistance Program – University of
Virginia Health System.
http://www.healthsystem.virginia.edu/internet/feap/newsletters/assertivecommunication-0205.pdf
HANDOUTS:
Assertive Communication: 20 Tips
Most of us know that assertiveness will get you further in life
than being passive or aggressive. But few of us were actually
taught how to be assertive. Here are some helpful tips.
Image by: Gurumustuk Singh
1. Choose the right time. Imagine you’re dashing down the hall on your way to a
meeting. Lisa passes by. You call out, “Can you have the Microsoft project out by
Tuesday?” Because you haven’t scheduled a special time to bring up the issue, Lisa
has no reason to think your request deserves high priority.
2. Choose the right place. Discuss important issues in a private, neutral location.
3. Be direct. For example, “Lisa, I would like you to work overtime on the Microsoft
project.” Whether or not Lisa likes your request, she respects you for your directness.
4. Say “I,” not “we.” Instead of saying, “We need the project by Tuesday,” say, “I
would like you to finish the project by Tuesday.”
5. Be specific. Instead of, “Put a rush on the Microsoft project,” say, “I would like the
Microsoft project finished and on Joe’s desk by 9:00 Tuesday morning.”
6. Use body language to emphasize your words. “Lisa, I need that report Tuesday
morning,” is an assertive statement. But if you mumble this statement while staring at
the floor, you undermine your message.
7. Confirm your request. Ask your staff to take notes at meetings. At the end of each
meeting, ask your group to repeat back the specifics that were agreed upon. This
minimizes miscommunication.
8. Stand up for yourself. Don’t allow others to take advantage of you; insist on being
treated fairly. Here are a few examples: “I was here first,” “I’d like more coffee, please,”
“Excuse me, but I have another appointment,” “Please turn down the radio,” or “This
steak is well done, but I asked for medium rare.”
9. Learn to be friendly with people you would like to know better. Do not avoid people
because you don’t know what to say. Smile at people. Convey that you are happy to
see them.
10. Express your opinions honestly. When you disagree with someone, do not
pretend to agree. When you are asked to do something unreasonable, ask for an
explanation.
11. Share your experiences and opinions. When you have done something
worthwhile, let others know about it.
12. Learn to accept kind words. When someone compliments you, say, “Thank you.”
13. Maintain eye contact when you are in a conversation.
14. Don’t get personal. When expressing annoyance or criticism, comment on the
person’s behavior rather than attacking the person. For example: “Please don’t talk to
me that way,” rather than, “What kind of jerk are you?”
15. Use “I” statements when commenting on another’s behavior. For example: “When
you cancel social arrangements at the last minute, it’s extremely inconvenient and I feel
really annoyed.”
16. State what you want. If appropriate, ask for another behavior. (“I think we’d better
sit down and try to figure out how we can make plans together and cut down on this
kind of problem.”)
17. Look for good examples. Pay attention to assertive people and model your
behavior after theirs.
18. Start slowly. Express your assertiveness in low-anxiety situations at first; don’t leap
into a highly emotional situation until you have more confidence. Most people don’t
learn new skills overnight.
19. Reward yourself each time you push yourself to formulate an assertive response.
Do this regardless of the response from the other person.
20. Don’t put yourself down when you behave passively or aggressively. Instead,
identify where you went off course and learn how to improve.
——–
Angie Woodward is a Registered Nurse in Wyoming and is the founder and
owner/director of Trinity Teen Solutions, Inc. TTS is a licensed Christian Residential
Treatment center for at risk teen girls and their families. Call 307-645-3384 for a free
consultation.
Collaborative Statements (Some Examples)
Words are powerful tools for creating collaboration. Create the language that fits your
personality style. Below are some examples of collaborative statements. Try to say
these in a
way that fits your personal style.
•
“I think that we can both find a way to resolve this where we can both get what we
need.”
•
“I want both of us to leave here able to feel committed to our agreements.”
•
“It is important to me that we reach an agreement that will work for both of us.”
•
“What you need and what I need may seem at odds right now. Let’s see if there is
a way for both of us to get what we need.”
•
“I think that we can work together to find a way out of this dilemma that will be
acceptable for both of us.”
•
“The best solution to this is one that both of us can feel good about.”
“I believe that we can solve this dilemma together and find a solution that we are both happy
with.”