Test 3: Writing — Essay Exemplars
Exemplar Scores
Note about the scores: Two essay readers are
assigned to score each essay. Each reader gives the
essay a score from a low of 1 to a high of 6. The two
scores are then added together to give a final essay
score that ranges from a low of 2 to a high of 12. The
scores given to the following essays are based on
scores from only one reader. A score of 6 is the
highest score that a single reader can give an
essay.
Sample Essay - Score of 6
As society toils onward into its dreams of the future, the
progress that accompanies this movement may be
tainted by individual motives of avarice. However, as
seen in various fields such as art, history, and science,
the human conscience will limit the motivation of greed
and inspire good works for the sake of morality. Oneʼs
sense of right and wrong forever impels one to be a
decent, thoughtful person.
Such people widely populate the idealistic field of
literature. Though novels may be rife with villainous,
self-serving characters, only the heroic and moral
personas emerge triumphant. For example, the wellknown literary character Huckleberry Finn, from Twainʼs
Adventures of Huckleberry Finn , rescinds his claim to a
sizable fortune if possessing such wealth would
diminish his safety. Furthermore, Huck will risk himself
to ensure the security of his close comrade Jim. His
loyalty, a facet of oneʼs conscience, compels him to
sacrifice his safety to ensure the well-being of others,
which is more than money has accomplished in
motivating Huck. Thus, a person, however fictional,
considers the rewards of acting on conscience to be
more fruitful than to be possessed by greed.
Although such characters are fictional, the same
motives of charity and morality have inspired numerous
people in history to set aside their desires. Lyndon B.
Johnson, Former President of the United States,
pushed the Civil Rights Act of 1964 through Congress
motivated by conscience and a desire to correct the
immorality of racism in society. Though some Senators
stridently opposed such a bill, the power of motivation
by conscience impassioned Johnson to strive even
harder to remain loyal to the American precepts of
equality. Such is fruition of conscientious actions.
Though the great figures of history seem out of reach in
their stature, as an individual I am faced with moral
dilemmas rather often. For example, I have been
offered more weighty positions on the newspaper, but
as a rule, I have always refused when there was
someone better qualified than I. Consequently, their
talents result in a more improved issue, thereby
increasing the benefit for all.
conscience. Money, fame and power are fleeting and
insubstantial, for they can never mend the integrity
sacrificed to obtain them. It is only when we act in the
name of what is right that all of our possible talents may
benefit ourselves, our peers, and our ideals.
Score Explanation
This response demonstrates clear and consistent
mastery. The writer effectively and insightfully develops
the point of view that "the human conscience will limit
the motivation of greed and inspire good works for the
sake of morality." By focusing on fictional, historical,
and personal examples of conscience as a compelling
force, the writer demonstrates outstanding critical
thinking. The first example is the fictional character of
Huckleberry Finn, whose "loyalty, a facet of one's
conscience, compels him to sacrifice his safety to
ensure the well-being of others." The writer then moves
to the historical figure Lyndon B. Johnson, who "pushed
the Civil Rights Act of 1964 through Congress
motivated by conscience and a desire to correct the
immorality of racism in society." Finally, the writer offers
the personal example of declining "more weighty
positions on the newspaper . . . when there was
someone better qualified." This essay organizes these
clearly appropriate examples well, demonstrating clear
coherence and a smooth progression of ideas. The
essay exhibits skillful use of language and
demonstrates meaningful variety in sentence structure
("Money, fame, and power are fleeting and
insubstantial, for they can never mend the integrity
sacrificed to obtain them. It is only when we act in the
name of what is right that all of our possible talents may
benefit ourselves, our peers, and our ideals"). Thus,
this outstanding essay receives a score of 6.
Sample Essay - Score of 5
The naive may see conscience as a strong motivator in
todayʼs society, however this idea is truely misguided.
One needs only to glance at a newspaper to see horrid
examples of greed. The recent corporate scandels are
a prime example of this selfish motivation. One cannot
claim this to be a recent trend either, literature from the
past, reflective of their social attitudes, is full of
examples of individualʼs acting in their own self-interest.
The literature of past and current social attitudes
dismiss conscience for avarice and selfishness.
One word rings clear across America today: “Enron.”
The energy giant that turned out to be not that big (or
wealthy) after all. Through underhanded marketing
techniques and outright theft, the executives of Enron
brought a new face to modern greed. Looking at the
destruction left behind by the collapse of this
corporation, not to mention the catastrophic economic
implications, it is obvious that all of the people involved
were acting out of nothing but greed. This attitude
seems to be wide-spread throughot corporate America
today, but is it isolated to there?
Therein lies the reason why we are compelled by
Page 1 of 5
Test 3: Writing — Essay Exemplars
Macbeth , written around the beginning of the 17 th
century by William Shakespeare, is a good parallel to
the Enron fiasco. In this play, the protagonist, Macbeth,
usurpes the throne through murder. Macbeth shows no
true guilt for his crimes, only fear of reprisal. Macbethʼs
inner desires are brought to the surface through the
character of his wife. She is the antithesis of
selfishness. Letting no moral or social institution get in
her way, she takes whatever she feels like. These two
characters reflect strongly the attitudes of todayʼs
society.
Throughout our history, greed has been a motive for
many peopleʼs actions. Shakespeare wrote about
indellible human truths, that is why his writing stands up
to time so well. Greed is an indellible human truth.
This does not mean all people are consumed by their
greed. There are many examples of nobility and
kindness throughout human history. However, we
should not be so naive as to think that selfishness is a
modern capitalist invention. As Gordon Gecko of the
film “Wall Street” said, “Greed is good. Greed works.”
Score Explanation
This essay effectively develops the point of view that,
"Throughout our history, greed has been a motive for
many people's actions." The writer demonstrates strong
critical thinking in supporting this position first with a
modern example, the Enron scandal, and then offering
the instance of Macbeth to show that the motivation of
greed is not "a recent trend." By describing how,
"Through underhanded marketing techniques and
outright theft, the executives of Enron brought a new
face to modern greed," the essay develops the idea
that "throughout corporate America" the attitude of
greed "seems to be wide-spread." Next, the essay
observes that greed is not "isolated to" corporate
America and proposes Macbeth as "a good parallel to
the Enron fiasco." The essay details the greed
displayed by both Macbeth and Lady Macbeth to
explain why, despite the play's creation "around the
beginning of the 17 th century," "These two characters
reflect strongly the attitudes of today's society." The
essay concludes by reinforcing the idea that "Greed is
an indellible human truth" not a "modern capitalistic
invention." The essay exhibits facility in the use of
language and demonstrates variety in sentence
structure ("In this play, the protagonist, Macbeth,
usurpes the throne through murder. Macbeth shows no
true guilt for his crimes, only fear of reprisal. Macbeth's
inner desires are brought to the surface through the
character of his wife"). The ideas presented in this
essay are well-organized and focused to demonstrate a
progression of ideas and coherence. However, while
the evidence is focused, it is at times repetitive, and
therefore, further detailed and focused evidence is
necessary to more insightfully develop the point of view
and achieve a score of 6. This essay demonstrates
reasonable consistent mastery, achieving a score of 5.
Sample Essay - Score of 5
People have an ability to determine right from wrong,
unlike other unevolved creatures. This ability is what
distinguishes humans from other animals. A personʼs
conscience is what truly motivates him, whether he
knows it or not.
A perfect example of the power of oneʼs conscience
can be seen in the movie Changing Lanes. In the
movie, Ben Affleck and Samuel L. Jackson get into a
very large dispute. Affleck is only concerned with
making money while Jackson is just trying to keep his
family together during the film. By the end of the
movie, Affleck remains rich and successfully destroyʼs
Jacksonʼs family.
Even though Affleck kept his vast wealth, he realized
that what he did was wrong. His conscience made him
feel terrible for destroying an innocent manʼs Family
just so he could keep his millions of dollars. At the end
of the movie, Affleck decides to help Jackson from
losing his kids because he knew that it was the right
thing to do.
Another example of how much more influential the
conscience is than power and money can be seen in
Crime and Punishment. In the novel, Raskolnikov, the
protagonist, kills and robs an old lady and her sister.
After the murder, Raskolnikovʼs conscience starts to eat
away at his mental stability. Even though he got away
with murder, and he now had much more money, his
conscience constantly reminded him that he commited
a sin against humanity. By the end of the novel,
Raskolinikov felt so terrible for what he had done that
he turned himself in. He knew that turning himself into
the authorities wouldnʼt bring people back to life, but
something inside of him knew that it was the beginning
of the path to redemption.
Clearly, oneʼs sense of right and wrong is their true
source of motivation. Regardless of whether one has
wealth, fame, or power, if he canʼt tell himself that he
has done more good then bad, then he will never feel a
true sense of happiness or fulfillment. A clear
conscience is the only way for any person to get the
most out of their life because the conscience is far
more powerful and influential than superficial aspects of
life.
Score Explanation
This effective essay demonstrates strong critical
thinking by focusing on the point of view that "a clear
conscience is the only way for any person to get the
most out of their life because the conscience is far
more powerful and influential than superficial aspects of
life." To support this position, the writer develops two
appropriate examples. The essay first describes how, in
the movie Changing Lanes, one man destroys the
family of another. In the end, however, the man who
caused the destruction realizes his error ("His
conscience made him feel terrible for destroying an
Page 2 of 5
Test 3: Writing — Essay Exemplars
innocent man's Family just so he could keep his
millions of dollars") and decides to help the family he
destroyed. The essay next discusses the protagonist
from the book Crime and Punishment . The character
commits a murder, but "his conscience constantly
reminded him that he committed a sin against
humanity." In the end, he turns himself in to authorities
as his first step on "the path to redemption." The
response is well organized and demonstrates
coherence and progression of ideas. Vocabulary is
appropriate and sentence variety is evident ("After the
murder, Raskolnikov's conscience starts to eat away at
his mental stability. Even though he got away with
murder, and he now had much more money, his
conscience constantly reminded him that he committed
a sin against humanity"). To achieve a score of 6, this
essay would need to more insightfully develop
additional details and examples to support the view that
a clear conscience is the way to get the most out of life.
Overall, the response demonstrates reasonably
consistent mastery and receives a score of 5.
Sample Essay - Score of 4
Conscience is certainly a more powerful motivator than
money, fame, or power. A person knows when
something is right or wrong because they feel it in the
conscience. This notion is used very often in literature
and plays because it is something that people often
donʼt realize. However, if one always follows their
conscience, they will have the end result of something
far better than money, fame, or power.
One example of this occurs in one of my favorite plays,
Proof . One of the main events in the play is that there
is a very intelligent math student who finds a notebook
solving a seemingly impossible mathematical proof. He
happens to find the notebook in the home of his
recently deceased professor, and later, the professorʼs
daughter claims to have been the one to solve the
proof. The conflict lies in the fact that if the student
turns in the proof as his own work, he will become rich
and famous for making such an amazing discovery.
In the end, the student follows his conscience and
returns the notebook to itʼs rightful owner, the
professorʼs daughter. His conscience overpowered his
desire for wealth and fame, and in the end, he knows it
was the right decision. As for the reward of his
following his conscience, he earns the love and
friendship of the daughter. This turns out to make him
far more happy than the wealth of living a lie.
Proof is a prime example of how powerful a conscience
can be. The student had found something that would
have completely changed his life, but instead, his
conscience overtook him. The conscience is the most
powerful tool in determining the sense of right or wrong.
Score Explanation
This essay demonstrates competent critical thinking by
developing the position that, "if one always follows their
conscience, they will have the end result of something
far better than money, fame, or power." To support this
point of view, the writer discusses a character from a
favorite play, Proof, and the conflict he faces when he
finds a notebook containing the solution to a "seemingly
impossible mathematical proof." The character, a math
student, must decide either to claim "the proof as his
own work" and "become rich and famous for making
such an amazing discovery" or to follow his conscience
and return the proof to the rightful owner. The essay is
generally organized and focused, demonstrating some
coherence and progression of ideas. The writer exhibits
some facility in the use of language and displays some
variety in sentence structure ("His conscience
overpowered his desire for wealth and fame, and in the
end, he knows it was the right decision. As for the
reward of his following his conscience, he earns the
love and friendship of the daughter. This turns out to
make him far more happy than the wealth of living a
lie"). To achieve a higher score, this essay needs to
demonstrate stronger critical thinking by providing
additional focused evidence to more effectively and
insightfully develop the position. The essay
demonstrates adequate mastery and is scored 4.
Sample Essay - Score of 4
Although some people in our world today have no
sense of what is right and what is wrong, I believe that
in general, conscience is a more powerful motivator
than money, fame, or power.
One excellent example of conscience is shown in
Arthur Millerʼs novel, The Crucible , John Proctor, a
powerful, well-respected man of the community was
accused of witchcraft. While he had the opportunity to
confess in order to save his name, not to mention his
life, he decided to go with his conscience and ultimately
to die for what he knew was right. This shows how
Proctor knew lying was wrong and he refused to do it,
even if it saved his life.
Another example of conscience being a powerful
motivator took place on my last family vacation. My
dad lost his wallet at a park and looked all over for it.
Inside it had all his credit cards and a good amount of
our vacation money. We were all very worried. But a
few hours later, a very nice family brought my dadʼs
wallet to the lost and found While the could have very
easily kept it for themselves and all the money inside
they listened to their conscience and decided to turn
the wallet in.
Another example of when conscience won over fame
took place at a race I watched once. In this race there
was a very fast runner who was almost garenteed to
win. If he won, this race would qualify him to go to the
Olympics; it was the peak of his career. But as the race
began, another runner tripped over his legs. And even
though the fast runner knew he could win if he kept
going, he stopped to help this poor man up, forfitting
Page 3 of 5
Test 3: Writing — Essay Exemplars
the race for himself. Yet this man chose to listen to his
conscience rather then his desire for fame.
It is now obvious that conscience is a stronger force
than the petty goals of money, fame, and power.
All three of these examples show very good kind
people, who do listen to their consciences because in
the end, a conscience is a more powerful motivator
than, money fame, or power.
Score Explanation
Score Explanation
This essay develops the point of view that "conscience
is a more powerful motivator than money, fame, or
power." To support this position, the writer
demonstrates competent critical thinking by selecting
adequate examples from literature and personal
experience. The essay first discusses the character
John Proctor, from the play The Crucible , who was
accused of witchcraft and could have confessed to
save himself. Choosing instead to go with his
conscience, he refused to lie, "even if it saved his life."
Next, the essay relates an anecdote about a time the
writer's father lost his wallet, but a family that "listened
to their conscience" turned in the wallet and its
contents. The final example is the writer's own
observations of a fast runner who "chose to listen to his
conscience rather then his desire for fame" when he
stopped to help a fellow runner. The essay is generally
organized and focused, demonstrating some coherence
and progression of ideas. The response uses generally
appropriate vocabulary and demonstrates some
sentence variety ("Another example of conscience
being a powerful motivator took place on my last family
vacation....Inside it had all his credit cards and a good
amount of our vacation money. We were all very
worried"). To achieve a higher score, this essay needs
to demonstrate stronger critical thinking by more
insightfully and effectively developing the point of view
rather than simply providing three adequate examples
of conscience as a motivator. The essay demonstrates
adequate mastery and receives a score of 4.
Sample Essay - Score of 3
Conscience is a more powerful motivator than money,
fame, or power. There is no escaping oneʼs
conscience. A person may strive to achieve money,
fame or power through illegal or unjust means but in the
end they have no choice but to do as their conscious
tells them.
A prime example of the power of oneʼs conscious can
be found in a work by Edgar Allen Poe. The “Tell Tale
Heart” is one of Poeʼs masterpieces where a murderʼs
conscience forces him to reveal himself to the police.
Furthermore, the achievement of power, money, or
fame causes one to want more. With these shallow
needs a person can never reach satisfaction. However,
one who strives to do what is right earns congradulation
and peace with himself. One must only decide to use
oneʼs conscience once to realize the benefits it brings.
This essay develops the point of view that "Conscience
is a more powerful motivator than money, fame, or
power" in an inconsistent manner, with only sparse and
general evidence provided as support. The writer
demonstrates some critical thinking by selecting the
appropriate example of Edgar Allan Poe's "The Tell-Tale
Heart", but offers only a vague explanation of why this
is relevant support for the position ("a murder's
conscience forces him to reveal himself to the police").
Further evidence consists of general statements that
are inadequate to fully or consistently develop the point
of view ("However, one who strives to do what is right
earns congradulation and peace with himself. One must
only decide to use one's conscience once to realize the
benefits it brings"). While support provided is focused
and organized, it is simply too brief and too vague to
adequately develop the position and demonstrate clear
overall coherence. The essay does exhibit developing
facility in the use of language ("A person may strive to
achieve money, fame, or power through illegal or unjust
means but in the end they have no choice but to do as
their conscious tells them"). In order to merit a higher
score, this essay needs to provide additional focused
and specific evidence. While this essay demonstrates
developing mastery, it remains in the inadequate
category, receiving a score of 3.
Sample Essay - Score of 2
Money, fame and power, it seams that it is all that
people are looking at now a days. But, is it really more
motivating than having clean your own conscience?
In my case I would have to say “yes”, for me fame,
money, and power are really one of the biggest
motivations of my life. Everyday I live to the future
planing what Iʼm going to do and how I want to live, and
everytime I imagine my life in the future I see myself on
top of a big company, having all the money that I had
ever wished for.
Getting to the top is not an eassy path, you might hurt
some people on the way or maybe even I step on them,
but the truth is that if you ever want to be one of the
best, you have to fight like the best.
To get to the top I have to be the best, and to be the
best Iʼm motivated by money, fame, and Power.
Score Explanation
This response demonstrates weak critical thinking in its
attempt to develop a point of view ("for me fame,
money and power are really one of the biggest
motivations of my life"). The insufficient reasons that
are provided are poorly organized and display serious
problems with progression of ideas ("Everyday I live to
the future planing what I'm going to do and how I want
Page 4 of 5
Test 3: Writing — Essay Exemplars
to live and everytime I imagine my life in the future I see
myself on top of a big company....Getting to the top is
not an eassy path....To get to the top I have to be the
best"). The essay uses very limited vocabulary and
demonstrates frequent problems in sentence structure
("Getting to the top is not an eassy path, you might hurt
some people on the way or maybe even I step on them,
but the truth is that if you ever want to be one of the
best, you have to fight like the best"). In order to
achieve a higher score, this essay needs to more
adequately develop its position and present a stronger
progression of ideas. The response is seriously limited
and merits a score of 2.
Sample Essay - Score of 1
I am disagree with this statement. Conscience is made
out of money and power. In todayʼs world money is
everything for the people. They donʼt care alot about
anything else. Also people care about their power for
example, if a country does something to its neighbor
country, the people of that will want a war. They try to
show their power. They donʼt sit together and solve the
problem. On the other side if scientists wonʼt have
money they canʼt do more science, so they need the
money and power to make scince better.
Score Explanation
The little evidence to support the writer's point of view
("Conscience is made out of money and power") leaves
this response fundamentally lacking. The evidence
provided is unfocused, resulting in a disjointed essay
("In today's world money is everything for the people.
They don't care alot about anything else. Also people
care about their power....On the other side if scientists
won't have money they can't do more science"). To
achieve a higher score, this response would have to
present clearer focus and organization and provide
further evidence to support its point of view. Overall, the
response demonstrates very little mastery and earns a
score of 1.
Page 5 of 5