DEAR THE NOBLE NOZE BROTHERHOOD PLEASE KNOW THAT I FIND
YOU HOOLIGANS FAR LESS THAN NOBLE AND YOUR SHENANIGANS ARE
NOT AT ALL AMUSING MOREOVER THAT PUBLICATION OF PELL-MELL
FRIVOLIT Y IS A POOR REPRESENTATION OF THIS STUDENT BODYS
JUDGMENTS IT IS ABSURD AND BEMUSING AND WHEN IT MANAGES
TO MAKE ANY SHRED OF SENSE IT IS A SORDID HUMOR OF LITTLE INTELLECT AND I DID NOT WANT TO SAY BUT I FEEL COMPELLED TO VOICE
HOW HORRENDOUS YOU ALL ARE I AM WILLING TO BET THIS CAMPUS
WOULD PROSPER CONSIDERABLY WELL IN YOUR ABSENCE AND I AM
CERTAIN WE COULD PURSUE THE GOALS WE HAVE BEEN STRIVING
TOWARD LIKE REASONABLE RATES OF TUITION AND NATIONWIDE ACADEMIC RECOGNITION WHAT A SHAME IT IS THAT YOU CHOOSE TO
LABOR UNDER FRIVOLOUS MONKEYSHINES AND TOMFOOLERY AND
CONCOCT THAT AID TO POST-DEFICATION YOU SO WHIMSICALLY ENTITLE THE ROPE INSTEAD OF ENGAGING IN MORE BENEFICIAL LABOR
WHY THIS INSTITUTION MIGHT HAVE BEEN A BEACON AGAINST MISERY SOME TRIBUTE TO A NEW ORDER LIKE A LIGHT ON A HILL WHICH
GUIDES THE NATION OF MAN TOWARDS A SACRED PURPOSE WITH
THE OMISSION OF YOUR ESCAPADES WOULD YOU NOT WELCOME
THAT BROTHERS HOW COULD YOU NOT BUT NO YOU JUST WANT TO
MAINTAIN A CONSTANT STATE OF INEBRIATION AND CAUSE HAVOC
AND GORGE ON JUNK FOOD AND NOT CONTRIBUTE ANYTHING AND BESMIRCH OUR SOCIETAL VALUES BECAUSE YOU WOULD ENJOY SOME
FALL TOWARDS ANARCHY WELL TOUGH BAGELS YOU IGNOBLE NOZE
BROS BECAUSE YOUR DAY OF RECKONING DRAWS NIGH AND DO NOT
COMPLAIN WHEN IT DOES BECAUSE WE ARE NOT GOING TO TAKE IT!
PAGE 02
A NOBLE NOZE RAG SINCE 1924
THE NOBLE NOZE
VOLUME 83, NUMBER 05
CUNNING LINGUISTBRO. ELECTRIC NOZEALOO LORDE MAYORBRO. HURRICANE KATRINOZE SHEKEL KEEPERBRO. TED KENNOZEDY E-BROBRO. DEATH POTION NUMBER NOZE BORED OF GRAFTBRO.
THENOZEOUS MONK, BRO. ABSTINOZE THE BROS BRO. KUNTNOZE KINTE, BRO. NO MEANS NOZE, BRO. NOZEY
LOVES CHACHI, BRO. PANIC AT THE DISCNOZE, BRO. GRAND NOZE PARTY, BRO. N-O-Z-E ETC., FACULTY HOSTAGE BRO. NOZE BETTER VENERABLE EXILES BRO. KURT VONNOZEGUT, BRO. NOZE TABLE FOR ONE, BRO.
THE ROPE BROTHERHOOD
TABLE OF CONTENTS: PAGE 02
PAGE 03
PAGE 04
PAGE 05
PAGE 06
PAGE 07
PAGE 08
PAGE 09
PAGE 10
PAGE 11
PAGE 12
CHARLES K. PONOZI, BRO. NOZE V. WADE, BRO. NOZE SEQUITUR, BRO. FEAR AND NOZEING, BRO. FATS DOMINOZE,
BRO. CLIFF’S NOZE, BRO. ARGENTINOZE, BRO. BUSH’S KRISPY TACNOZE, BRO. NOZE QUERVO, BRO. NOZEANDERTHAL
AND A CAST OF THOUSANDS...*
KEKO MUCKITY MUCK! KEKO MUCKITY MUCK!
Mene! Mene! Teckle Upharsin! Satchel On, Brother Long NoZe, Satch! BSSS! HRSG! BMMC! BUHCC! One, two, two-and-a-half, three- if this school’s going somewhere it’s news to me.
It seems unlively, humdrum, like a chewed piece of gum. Someone give it a push, someone shove- someone show the Bear some love. Take her out for a night on a town, buy her dinner and remove her
frown. Seduce her for now, you can never call her back. At least conceive false hope, please, someone pick up the slack. That’s all I’ve got, complaints and bemoaning, I apologize for my one-sided droning. I’ve got a headache derived from caffeineation, which could attest for my long-winded vituperation. But that’s what I get for eating straight coffee grounds- that and mild hallucination. Someone call
an ambulance, I need my stomach pumped, or a nice back massage, or my cables jumped. This is ridiculously long, it’s utterly wrong, now I’m just rhyming, I’ve lost all timing. If your still reading your
wasting seconds. Oh great, now I lost the ability rhymes. Forget it. Give me a Satch. A Satchel. Satcheeeeeeellllllllisssssssssssimmmmmmmoooooooooooomomomooohhohohoooooo!!!!!?!!!!!!!!
INITIATE PALAVER W/
THE NOZE
NOBLE NOZE BROTHERHOOD
NOTE FROM THE CUNNING LINGUIST
P.O. BOX 602
Valentine’s Day conjurs up a number of memories.
ELM MOTT, TX 77640
The most prevalent is from the third grade, when
my class decorated shoeboxes to hold all the ValenOR
Day cards we were going to give each other.
NOZE.BROTHERHOOD@GMAIL.COM tine’s
But I didn’t make mine from a shoebox; mine was
NOZE.ADVERTISING@GMAIL.COM
a steel lockbox with a very sophisticated combinaROPE.SUBSCRIPTION@GMAIL.COM tion system. No way in or out, except through me. It
looked a little awkward, what with all the lace ductOR
taped haphazardly to the cold metal, but third grade
WWW.THENOZE.ORG
was a little awkward for me. And fourth. And fifth...
PAGE 04
BAYLOR DPS SEIZES TERRORIST THREAT OPPORTUNITY TO SHOW OFF MAD SKILLZ
Baylor Department of Public Safety received
an anonymous call during the night that could
only be representative of a planned terrorist attack on Penland Dormitories. Wasting no time
and eager to shine, the DPS immediately sprung
into action.
“We received the phone call at 10:35 p.m.,”
Chief of Police Jim Doak said, “and by 10:41 we
had already organized a research and response
committee to elect merited officers to a special
ops task force in charge of neutralizing the situation.”
The committee consisted of Doak, the new
guy and the broken water cooler.
“As soon as roll call was over, we immediately
began hypothesizing- trying to determine who
was behind these threats and what their target
was,” the new guy said. “After several hours of
grueling gruel, and a bit of work, someone had
the idea to replay the phone conversation for,
what we in the business call, ‘clues’.”
Fortunately, the DPS offices are outfitted
with state of the art technology, including a 1989
Hamilton cassette player/recorder combo that’s
meticulously taped onto the back of the last
The new guy converses with a fellow Baylor DPS research and response committee member, the broken water cooler,
while enjoying a lukewarm glass of water. Despite its inability to cool water, the water cooler still possesses ‘mad skillz.’
operable phone (rotary style).
“Had it not been for that tape, I’m not sure
what we would have done,” Doak confessed.
“Upon multiple listens, we discovered that the
mystery caller had clearly stated that he was going to ‘blow up the Penland cafeteria’ and that he
had ‘just eaten multiple large portions of gruel,’
which seemed quite the coincidence seeing has
we had just enjoyed some gruel ourselves.”
Understanding the delicacy of the situation,
the committee convened after a five minute
break to appoint a “special ops task force.”
“We knew response time would play a vital
role in whether we saved the day or not, so we
radioed over to Johnson, who was currently
patrolling campus,” said Doak.
Lieutenant Johnson sped to the scene after
confiscating his Burger King drive-thru and
witnessing a rerun of ‘Cheers,’ one he’d witnessed
on multiple occasions.
“The thrill of the chase got to me, and it
wasn’t until I had arrived on site that I’d realized how parched I was, and that I’d made the
mistake of driving off before obtaining my large
Diet Coke.”
After searching the premises and coming up
empty-handed, Johnson radioed the response
committee and informed them that everything
seemed to be “a-OK.”
Doak said Baylor DPS treats every situation
like it’s real, “which is why we decided not to
alert the students in the building,” Doak said.
“If this particular instance had developed into a
more serious threat, we couldn’t have freshmen
running around in panic.”
And that would look unprofessional, the new
guy said.
“It’s better that they just never knew it happened,” Doak said. “Also, it saves us the embarrassment of over-reacting to an ill-conceived
prank, like the whole ‘Burleson’s on fire’ gag.”
BAYLOR CAMPUS IN UPROAR
OVER GOLDEN CALF SCANDAL
ABSENCE OF ‘BAYLOR REPRESENTATION’
CAUSES TO CAMPUS-WIDE TEETH GNASHING
“Sacrilegious.” That’s what Baylor statue
caretaker Luke Lukeson called the recent
defamation of campus’ most beloved memorials, including Burleson, Judge Baylor and the
Immortal Ten, have suffered minor acts of
vandalism, most involving spray paint. The
most inexcusable act of vandalism occurred on
the site of what some might consider campus’
most established tradition: the Golden Calf of
Baylor statue.
“It’s unfathomable to think someone would
steal Baylor’s most cherished memorial,”
Lukeson said. “Granted, the statue has seen its
share of defamations throughout its endured
establishment on campus, but for someone to
actually remove it? Unfathomable.”
Baylor PD and Baylor Administration have
guaranteed strict repercussions for this act of
thievery.
“It’s inexcusable,” Baylor president Jonathan
Lilley said through PR representative Lori Scott
Fogleman. “This hits home: me and Vera were
married by that Golden Calf and I’ll be damned
if that memory-jogger is forever stricken from
the face of this campus.”
Lilley went on to say, “Seriously. My wife
will banish me to the inferno...zing! Speaking of, would someone mind reminding when
Valentine’s Day rolls around?”
“That statue represents all that is inherent
in Baylor University,” Historian Hester Hearst
said. “Whoever took it may not realize it, but
I’m sure if they return it unharmed they will
suffer a minimal punishment for their actions.”
Baylor Police chief Jim Doak violently
703 VALLEY MILLS DR., Baylor Administration forced the Noble NoZe Brotherhood off campus in 1962 for their defamation of the Golden
Calf of Baylor. Those involved remain apologetic for temporarily defacing the established Baylor tradtion.
disagrees.
“I don’t plan to slap the wrist of whoever’s
responsible,” Doak said. “I plan to break it.”
The Golden Calf of Baylor has been a facet
of the campus since Baylor University’s initial
location at Independence, Texas. First erected
in 1924, the calf maintained the initial westerntheme of Baylor University. Even though Baylor
254-772-9348
POPPA ROLLOS
“Oh boy! My parents promised me that if I mow the lawn,
they’d take me to Poppa Rollos Pizza! Jeepers, their pizza is swell!”
PIZZA
POPPA ROLLOS: EXCEPTIONAL INCENTIVE FOR VOLUNTARY CHILD LABOR
moved to accept the Bear as the campus mascot, campus couldn’t bring itself to rename the
Lariat or the Roundup, or remove the Golden
Calf of Baylor from tradition.
“I miss those big, golden eyes,” avid Golden
Calf of Baylor worshipper Corpus Christi
freshman Theodore Snartletoober said. “I’m
going to dropkick those commie bastards.”
TWO AMBITIOUS FRESHMEN KARMA FADES AWAY AN IDLE
ENTER ROOMMATE INTO EATING CONTESTS
SMALL FORTUNE STANDS TO BE MADE,
CLAIM MORAL-RIDDEN BUSINESS MAJORS
After one large GutPak and an exclamation
of further hunger pangs, Plano freshmen John
Calvert and Luke Pillbox realized they had
inadvertently struck a potential gold mine.
“’Still hungry,’ that’s what he said,” Calvert
said. “I was floored. I dared him to eat another
GutPak and you know what he said? ‘OK.’”
Paris freshman Rich Peenuts, son of a
humble potter, had eaten two GutPaks, three
helpings of potato salad and two banana puddings before he declared himself “contented.”
“Apparently, competition drives him,”
Pillbox said.
Pillbox mentioned something to the extent
of “Jeez, Peenuts, guess you’re not leaving
room for dessert.”
To which Peenuts retorted, “You don’t
think I can? How much’ you wanna to bet?”
After a baffled Pillbox exclaimed he didn’t
want to bet anything, Peenuts pointed decisively and exclaimed that Pillbox “was on.”
Calvert and Pillbox, two business majors,
immediately began discussing plans to profit
off of Peenuts’ remarkable digestive system;
drafting plans to tour the glutton industry
extensively.
“There’s been talk of dropping out after our
freshman year and working our way around
the fair circuit, hitting pie eating contests
until we can travel out of state,” Calvert said.
“Eventually we want to get into international
tournaments.”
Calvert and Pillbox don’t intend to pay
Peenuts.
“He’s eating for free, why would he need
payment?” Pillbox said. “We’re giving him a
place to live and sleep while on tour. All his
basic necessities are provided for.”
Peenuts was not available for comment.
“We don’t want him using his jaw muscles
for unnecessary movements. If he’s not eating
he’s not utilizing his time effectively,” Calvert
said.
Peenuts has also been pulled from his
classes.
“He no longer needs to learn things. Except how to eat better. We provide him that.”
Peenuts is on a strict, constant diet of horse
oats.
“If he can stomach a steady diet of horse
oats, he’ll be able to stomach anything.”
Peenuts has been secured to Pillbox and
Calvert’s restroom sink.
“Peenuts is now a profit-item. He no longer
bears the ability to live an independent life.”
PLUMMER
Student Body president Travis Plummer,
following in the footsteps of Baylor president
Jonathan Lilley, has remained a constant archetype of idleness in the eyes of the Baylor public.
Or at least he would if any of the Baylor public
were able to have seen him since he took his seat
in office.
Sources say universal forces have begun to
exact justice on ATO senior Plummer, causing
him to dwindle away into the nothingness he
exemplifies.
“He’s become translucent. Sometimes, he’s
entirely invisible.” Student senator Rick Rickson
said. “Last meeting, while I was sipping on my
mocha frappuccino and surfing through my
iPhone for more shoes on the UrbanOutfitters
online store, I noticed that I didn’t notice him.
I usually wouldn’t care but we’ve got to work
on some pretty important legislation for Baylor
Administration to ignore.”
If anyone was potentially aware of Plummer’s
existence, they most likely would be baffled
by Plummer’s unexpected disappearance. But
experts say they hypothetically saw this coming
Plummer
from virtually miles
away.
“Like, if you don’t
‘do,’ if you don’t get off
your ass and better this
world, ...uh... if you
waste your time, you’re
going to waste away,
man,” residence-free
Frisbee golf expert
Clover Johnson said.
“That’s karma, man.”
Other Student Body Officers worry that,
without the leadership of a president, they too
will disappear into the nether.
“I can’t disappear into the nether, I’ll lose my
tuition scholarship!” Samer Baransi said.
Lilley’s mouthpiece Lori Scott Fogleman
offered some advice for whatever is left of Plummer. “This is why you put yourself in the role of
a puppet regime,” Fogleman said. “That way, you
establish your purpose as a facade for under-thetable dealings. You always serve some sort of wa
purpose then.”
DR. PEPPER HOUR TAKES LEFT TURN FOR WORST
STUDENTS SPITE NON-TRADITIONAL
BRUSSEL SPROUT FLAVORED FLOAT
Tuesday’s Dr. Pepper Hour at the Barfield Drawing Room provided an interesting
change of scenery for students who simply
wanted quick, cold refreshments – a mandatory nutritional advice session.
“We thought it would be best to force our
student population to live a healthier life,” said
Baylor Health Inspector Margaret Boylston,
host of the semi-witnessed “Commercialized
Matter Melt” Workout videos, brought to you
by Fazoli’s. “I know from personal experience
that once you remove unhealthy foods from
THE
your diet and begin to exercise constantly, not
only will you feel better but you’ll also feel
better about yourself!”
Following this exclusive interview with
The Rope, Boylston’s skeletal figure was seen
viciously clawing and pounding on the nearest
vending machine, howling for a York Peppermint Patty.
Many students described their experience
at the Dr. Pepper Hour as a traumatic experience. “They made us stare at a food pyramid
for at least 30 minutes and announced what
types and amount of food we needed to
eat each day!” said Dallas Sophomore Greg
Thattleby, resident lard-ass. “2 ½ cups of veg-
etables? Are you kidding me? And don’t even
get me started on how much water we should
be drinking.”
Another point of focus at the Hour was
emphasizing and creating positive body images for the attendees.
After several minutes of trying to convince
the float-craving audience that daily exercise
and healthy eating is necessary in maintaining
a healthy lifestyle, the Healthy Living organizers had one last trick up their sleeve: giving
out fake candy.
Organizers handed out Hershey’s kisses
made out of radishes, celery sticks fashioned
to look like Toblerones, and wheat grass cot-
ton candy.
Needless to say, the ploy was largely unsuccessful and only further angered the roly-poly
attendees. The brief uprising among the corpulent was only quelled after a promise from
organizers for more lima beans – or unusually
shaped M&Ms, as the chubsters mistakenly
believed.
Though most of the Baylor population
would call the event an abysmal failure, some
students who attended the event at the SUB
would have to disagree. “Maybe next Tuesday
I’ll RUN to the Barfield Drawing Room to lick
that Dr. Pepper float bowl clean,” Thattleby
said.
BEAR MOUNTAIN
VALENTINES WEEKEND SALE THURSDAY FEB 14- SATURDAY FEB. 16
www.THEBEARMOUNTAIN.com
4904 WEST WACO DR.
254-772-4327
GOT HER A PUPPY FOR VALENTINES DAY, HUH? TYPICAL.
SHOULD’VE GRABBED THAT SORORITY GIRL A NORTH FACE FLEECE AT BEAR MOUNTAIN
IF YOU HAD, SHE WOULD’VE BEEN PITCHING YOUR TENT DOWN SOUTH.
IF YOU KNOW WHAT WE MEAN.
PAGE 06
UNRUSH
DON’T BOTHER COMING TO
7TH & JAMES
BAPTIST CHURCH
@
11:14, POST MAN
FEBRUARY 13TH
WEDNESDAY
(CATCHY PHRASE HERE)
AND DON’T EVEN THINK ABOUT TRYING TO
BECOME A NOZE BROTHER
4:17, PUNCH MONKEY
FEBRUARY 17 (SUNDAY)
@ B-QUAD
(SHOULD YOU FEEL COMPELLED TO HUMILIATE YOURSELF,
BRING ONE PAPER (THAT YOU, YOURSELF LABORED UPON:
DON’T BE AN IDIOT AND COLLABORATE WITH SOMEONE)
OF A HUMOROUS NATURE. IN THE UPPER LEFT-HAND CORNER WRITE YOUR FULL NAME, YOUR PHONE NUMBER, YOUR
CLASSIFICATION, YOUR CURRENT GPA AND YOUR ZODIAC
SIGN. PAPERS SHOULD BE 42,013 WORDS LONG OR MUCH,
MUCH LESS. NO TEATS PIDDLE OR CACA. I’LL REPEAT: NO
TEATS. NO PIDDLE. NO CACA. AND THIS TIME, BE FUNNY).
DROPPING EAVES
U.S. ARMY RECRUITMENT OFFICE
Army Officer: Alright son, you’ve passed the recruitment test with flying colors so far. Now all
you have left is the eye chart test.
Soldier: (gulp).
Army Officer: Now if you’ll just look this way and read the second line from the bottom …
Soldier: A-Alright … B … I … G … M … A … C …
Army Officer: Now hold on there, son. You’re reading off of that McDonald’s bag on the table.
Turn this way.
Soldier: Ah … haha yes, yes I know … twas only a joke.
Army Officer: The army has no room for humor, son. Now look over here and read this line.
Soldier: Alright, let’s see here … C … R … a backwards Z … 7 …. A giraffe with a really short neck …
Army Officer: Now hold on there son, wait just a second. Not only are not naming off the completely wrong letter, but you’re also naming off fake animals! You’re blind, aren’t you?
Soldier: (Sigh). Yes sir, it’s a terrible debilitation that I am forced to live with. (Holds up leash) I
have to bring my seeing-eye dog, Jake, every where I go. And he’s not as friendly as other dogs.
Army Officer: You know that leash is attached to a potted plant, right?
Soldier: (Sobbing uncontrollably) I was wondering why people were telling me to water him.
INTRO. TO BUSINESS CLASS
In order to maintain a tolerant and loyal graduate class, professor Olson and his colleagues have
implemented a strict and challenging Introduction to Business course:
“And as you can see by this pie chart I’ve made here—uh…oh dear. Um…”
“Is there a problem, Bob?”
“Uh, nothing. It’s nothing.”
“No, come one. What’s the problem?”
“This...this pie chart’s wrong.”
“(Sighs) Oh dear. John?”
“Yes, sir?”
“Kill Bob.”
“Oh God, please, no!”
“Sir…may I ask why?”
“Why what, John?”
“Why must I kill Bob, sir?”
“He’s failed your group, John. Made you all look bad. Ruined you.
That’s bad business, John. Kill him.”
“Please, John! I’ll do better…I can fix the ratios here, just let me--”
“Sir, I just don’t understand why he should die—“
“For the love of…Frank, kill John and Bob.”
“Yes sir.”
(Man 4 pulls out a switchblade and stabs Man 1 and 3).
“B+, Frank- next time choose an exit wound that’s more immediate.”
“Yes sir. Thank you, sir.”
LARIAT ADVERTISING OFFICE
“Hello?”
“Yes, hello- my name is Rob Robertson, I’m a marketing associate from the Lariat. May I ask you a
question, sir?”
“Yes? What is it?”
“If I may inquire sir, how much are you paying The Rope for your advert in that insidious rag of theirs?”
“Pardon?”
“How much are you paying those moral-ridden individuals for space in their sin-print?”
“Well—uh, I don’t—“
“It can’t be much…”
“I’m not sure what you’re—“
“Whatever your paying them we’ll match it... in the name of the Lord.”
“I’m sorry, who’re you with?”
“The Lariat, sir- God’s chosen Baylor publication.”
“Ah, you know what, Rob? I’m going to pass. Thanks, though.”
“Uh, I’m sorry? I- I don’t understand…”
“I’m just not interested Rob. Thank you.”
“Is it something I said, sir?”
“No, Rob. No, it’s not you, it’s me. I’m just not interested.”
“Sir, let me remind you that Baylor’s newspaper is The Lariat. Therefore, God blessed The Lariat.”
“Yeah. I’m not sure about that, Rob, but I’ve got to go now. Okay, bye-bye.”
“Alright, sir. Thank you, and if you ever wish to choose not to burn in hell give us a call.”
PAGE 08
SCRUFFY
MURPHY’S
1226 SPEIGHT AVENUE
254-753-0802
NOW OPENING AT 9 P.M.
TUESDAY: $2.00 BOTTLES, WELLS AND DRAFTS ALL NIGHT
WEDNESDAY: $1 LONE STAR TILL 11 PM
THURSDAY: $1.00 DOMESTIC BOTTLES AND $2.00 WELLS 9-11 P.M.
FRIDAY: $1.00 DOMESTIC BOTTLES 9-11 P.M.
SATURDAY: $1.00 DOMESTIC BOTTLES AND $2.00 WELLS 9-11 P.M.
SCRUFF’S: BECAUSE YOU NEVER KNOW HOW YOUR NIGHT WILL END.
LARIAT STAFF LOSES COLLECTIVE MIND
INCLUSION OF PERIOD IN ‘DR. PEPPER’ DRIVES CAMPUS PAPER OVER EDGE OF INSANITY
Tragedy fell upon the offices of The Lariat,
God’s Chosen Baylor Publication, as three copy
editors reluctantly visited the Baylor psychology ward Tuesday.
Though the loss of copy editors went
unnoticed by the Baylor public, The Lariat
has reported detrimental symptoms running
rampant throughout the staff.
“You can’t do that. Loose goose. Hold me,
Harold. You just can’t,” Lariat staff writer Ron
Howard said amongst crackpot declarations.
“Forefinger. It’s not in the AP Stylebook. Monkey piss, cat power, angel drawers, rutabaga.”
Baylor psychology analysts are apparently
baffled, but offered a shot-in-the-dark hypothesis anyway.
“It simply didn’t compute with them,” Baylor professor and top-notch aviation maverick
Hugh Riley said. “Their crystallized intelligence
just couldn’t handle the addition of a new
thought and thus, if I may use a medical term,
they went all wibbily-wobbily.”
Still, some are skeptical.
“There is no way in hell wibbily-wobbily is a
medical term,” Medical Dictionary editor Grace
Kelly said. “Pizza pox and a blue plate paradox.
Pennyfarthing, pickles, pantaloons. Alliteration
is fun.”
The worst case of insanity resides in the
maltreated mind of Paris junior and Lariat copy
editor Mick McMormick, who claims an impending doom at the hands of a gang of clocks.
“How the hell did they do that!? No period?
Impossible!” McMormick said. “No, I refuse.
I’m not going to take it. I’m mad as hell, and
I’m not going to take it anymore!”
McMormick was killed by a notorious
group of terrorists following this statement.
Lariat copy editor Mick McMormick expresses his unadulterated loathing for divergences from the AP Stylebook.
GOLDEN CALF OF BAYLOR
HISTORY OF VANDALISM
1924: Baylor rival Texas A&M University
paints the statue maroon and gold. Baylor
Administration states in a press release that
the defamation was “in bad taste” and that
“the color scheme hideous.”
Baylor University responds by stealing
Revelry IV and sending him to Southeast
Asia.
1956: Campus grieves the first absence
of the Golden Calf of Baylor. Two years later
the statue is found in a FBI search of rural
Wisconsin. Baylor administration is quick to
accuse the Soviet Union of the foul play, and
begins immediate evaluation of students,
faculty and fellow administration to “dropkick
commie bastards.”
The recent misplacement of the Golden Calf
of Baylor is not the first time Baylor’s favored
mascot has suffered defamation.
PANACHE
1509 AUSTIN AVE.
1984: Houston sophomore Winston Smith
is caught defacing the calf during a routine
invasive surveillance. Rumors circulate that
Baylor administration exacted a harsh punishment and had Smith torn apart by rats, though
the rumors are never confirmed.
Smith, his residence and his roommates
are never seen again.
TUESDAY-SATURDAY
10AM-6PM
BEARBUCKS ACCEPTED
CONTEMPORARY FASHIONS FOR BAYLOR BABES!
HILL BAIL BONDS
1723 WEST WACO DR.
254-757-3636
254-379-5319
24-HOUR SERVICE
10% OFF FOR BAYLOR STUDENTS
STAY OUT OF TROUBLE.
IF YOU DON’T, GIVE ME A CALL.
BAYLOR’S VISION REACHES FARTHER INTO FUTURE
In an attempt to cover up the university’s
short comings in regards to Baylor Vision 2012’s
approaching deadline, administration officials
met this month to discuss a new 50 year vision
plan for Baylor.
“Robert Sloan left his legacy here with his
bold Vision 2012 plan,” said President Lilley, “and
I’ll be darned if I can’t one-up him. I have decided that this university needs some direction, so
we have put together an exhaustive plan detailing
what we feel Baylor should be 50 years from now,
including everything from updated bathroom
color swatches to conveyor belt sidewalks.”
“The idea is revolutionary,” said Vice President of Debt Reagan Ramsower. “None of us here
have ever heard anything like it; I consistently
marvel at the good fortune Baylor has met at the
hands of John Lilley. Maybe things are looking
up.”
One of the many facets of the plan is to close
off all highway exits from 12th street to University Parks in an attempt to further distance the student body from the city of Waco and to prevent
the ‘unsightly’ homeless citizens from entering
into the bubble. This measure has been lauded by
the Board of Regents, who have been struggling
to ignore the fact that Baylor is surrounded by an
impoverished community their entire lives.
“Until Lilley came along with his fresh 50
year campus plan, we had been struggling with
University image, particularly the image of
homeless people sleeping under the I35 bridge. If
we strengthen our perimeter, we can successfully
rid our beautiful campus of these ‘eye sores,’” said
Baylor Regent Neal Jones.
In addition to casting out the homeless, the
new plan includes the building of new student
dormitories.
“Every time Lilley opens his mouth, I’m
amazed by the ideas he posits to university
development,” said Regent Jim Turner. “His ideas
about achieving campus unity through elitist housing arrangements are just brilliant! I’m
amazed no one thought of this earlier. Within
the next 50 years, we hope to more than triple
the number of dormitories on campus, which
will go a long way towards successfully segregating the outside flack from our precious Baylor
community.”
“Another perk of the new dormitories is going
to be their effect on the average cost of student
housing,” revealed Turner. “Each year we spend
more money building extravagant dorms and
subsequently, we charge more for them to live
there. Recently we’ve been getting bored with
simply raising tuition cost and have had to come
up with more creative ways of ‘separating the
wheat from the chaff,’ if you follow my Biblical
allusion. “
John Lilley seemed pleased with the initial
development of his plan. “Went I went to Baylor
50 years ago, Baylor’s mission was focused on
providing exceptional education to all prospective students at a moderate price. How foolish
and short-sighted; I guess no one realized that
it cost money to be the nation’s best college, and
that we need to take advantage of our primary
renewable resource: students.”
CARBAJAL
DROPPING EAVES
(CONTINUED)
Boy:
Girl:
Boy:
Girl:
Boy:
Girl:
Boy:
Girl:
Boy:
Girl:
Boy:
Girl:
Boy:
Girl:
Boy:
MY FUZZY VALENTINE
Hey … Will you be my Valentine?
Yeah!
Here, I got you something.
Oh thank you. That’s so nice.
Yeah, I wouldn’t say it’s exactly a traditional gift …
Wait … what is this?
Well, it’s a few locks of my hair.
There’s so much! I mean it’s in a huge BALL!
I like to call it a collection.
But it’s just from your head though, right?
Well, let’s just say it’s a grab-bag.
Is that a grey hair in there?
It sure is…
You’re a freak … I’m leaving
(sobs) Even the hairy have hearts…
PENLAND DORM ROOM
“Luke?”
“...Hmm?”
“Luke, can I stop eating? I’m really, really full.”
“Let me ask you a question, Rich, my friend: who’s letting you live here?”
“(Sigh)”
“Go on, Rich. Who?”
“You are.”
“Who’s feeding you? Who’s giving you a future?”
“You are.”
“That’s right. Now, keeping eating those horse oats.”
REALTY
“Whatcha thinking about, Walter?”
“I’m thinking I need to get new living arrangements.”
“Oh, you... Come to bed, Walter.”
LOCATED AT THE CORNER
OF I-35 AND 17TH STREET
WWW.CARBAJALREALTY.COM
254.235.8343
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PAGE 10
GOLDEN’S
BOOK EXCHANGE
3112 FRANKLIN, “Look, Jack! Television!”
“I’m sick of television,
Janet. If I see another
episode of Rock of Love,
I’ll gouge my eyes out.”
254-754-5729
MON-SAT, 10:00-6:00
SUN, 1:30-4:00
GOLDEN’S:
READING IS COOL.
MUSINGS OF AN ASTRONOMICAL NATURE
Somewhere in between trying to get my
hands on one of those elusive squirrels and
throw a saddle on that monstrosity of a bear
statue outside of the SLC I somehow stumbled
into an Astronomy class.
I have always been a fan of space ever since I
saw “Plan 9 from Outer Space”, and since I first
devised my personal aspiration to travel to the
moon and take a bite out of it.
I know, I know- It’s not really made of
cheese but still everything tastes like something… the reason I was trying to get my hands
on those squirrels.
I decided to take a seat and noticed that
the huge lecture hall that could easily fit all the
Museum Studies and Forensic majors.
You catch my drift, musty as it may be, it
was a big place, but on this day I looked around
and saw the paltry number of people scarcely
scattered amongst the seats.
‘Is it Dia Del Oso,’ I asked myself, ‘have I
somehow been made unawares yet again?’
No, the professor was there and muttering
something. Why would so many students skip
astronomy? Of course that shit they did to Pluto
was pretty cold, but still why not sit in for that
one golden opportunity.
You know what I am talking about. “We
sent a 6x8 foot probe to….” “Everyone take a
good look we have images of….”. Once again
you catch my musky drift. I sat and listened to
some kind of rabble about black holes, I snickered just a little inside but that was not what I
wanted.
I was waiting for the crown jewel. And then
it came, the professor declared “Let’s take a
moment and discuss the (infamous) seventh
planet”. I edged closer in my seat this was just
the moment I had been waiting for; I could
feel the tension and excitement building. It was
almost unbearable.
I loved it. I could see nothing but the professor’s lips moving as if they were in slow motion
and everything around me faded into obscurity
“Mars is the planet with the giant red spot; Most
people are mistaken and believe that there is a
giant red spot (my heart race quickened) on (I
wished, I hoped,
I prayed to whatever god would grant my
wish God, Allah, Yahweh, Zeus) on… (yes…
yes giant red spot on….) Uhhr-in-us”. I felt like
I had been shot in the groin, I felt like the time
I received a valentine that said “I love you”
from a secret admirer and discovered it was my
mom. I was in an utter state of sheer disappointment.
I surveyed the rest of the class who had been
waiting in the same anxious state. It was like
looking at crowd who had just witnessed an untethered tight rope walker make it safely across.
This was the opportunity of a lifetime.
It was like surveying a crowd who had
watched an un-tethered tight rope walker make
it safely across in gale force winds, with a marine sniper shooting at him.
I fled witah the taste of unfullfillment still
lingering in my mouth and vowed to never
return to another Astronomy class.
HOLY LAW
NUMBER
2
GETHER, THE
WORLD IS MADE
INTO A HAPPIER
PLACE.
SCHMALTZ’S SANDWICHES
MRS. ROBINSON WAS UNAWARE THAT LITTLE RONNY ROBINSON HAD NO INTENTION OF EATING THE MEDIOCRE MEAL
SHE WAS SURE TO PREPARE THAT MIDDAY. NO, RONNY HAD BIGGER PLANS. RONNY WAS GOING BREAK FREE FROM
HIS MOTHER’S CONSTRICTING GRIP AND GRAB HIMSELF A
BLUE PLATE SPECIAL.
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“Guys, after this we’re definitely
going to Clay Pot.”
“Yeah.”
AN ECLECTIC ART STUDIO
“Gee, Mary.
Couples driving sure is fun,
but do you think this is safe?
Wouldn’t you rather be painting
ceramics at Practically Pikasso?”
“Don’t be a square, Lloyd!”
“Here, here.”
TEN MINUTES LATER THEY CRASHED VIOLENTLY INTO SEVEN MAILBOXES.
35 PERCENT OF ALL ACCIDENTS ARE COUPLES DRIVING ACCIDENTS. DON’T BECOME
A STATISTIC. THIS VALENTINES DAY, TAKE YOUR DATE TO PRACTICALLY PIKASSO.
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THE SLINKY.
SURE, IT’S MESMERIZING.
BUT WOULDN’T YOU RATHER
MARVEL AT THE FANTASTIC
ILLUSTRATIONS OF A FEW
THOUSAND MARVEL COMICS?
WE THOUGHT SO.
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BECAUSE SLINKYS SUCK.
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“Jeez, Bogart.
Maybe you wouldn’t pick up so many leeches in the Brazos
if you wore a shirt every once and a while.”
BEAR COTTON
LEECH PROTECTION.
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1600 Speight Avenue
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YOUR PRAYERS
HAVE BEEN
ANSWERED.
“What are you praying for?”
“A GutPak. You?”
“Same.”