Dear diary,
Somebody told me I should take a break from reality. People expect too much from me. They
see everything in a different light. I am half of heart without my friend. But I swore to her
never come back to the beginning. And I have to wake up every single day and put a smile on
my face. The memories of her are still burning in my mind.
Today I was at the airport. I saw soldiers who came back from their missions. I saw tears in
their eyes when they saw their families. It was the first time when I had felt better. Because I
saw a soldier who was standing alone and I understood I am not like him. Because even If
nobody is around me, I can still feel her warm in my heart. And this warm makes me feel
alive. So I am going to find more of this warm and try to move on without her next to me as
someone alive.
Today for the first time I visited her grave on the cemetery and I think it was one of the best
decisions in my life. I understood how much pain I was hiding in my artificial smile. I started
bringing back every second spend with her. But it was not like daggers in my mind. Because
there were really good memories and moments of happiness. I feel like I was under the spell
or something like that. I am so lucky I could meet someone like her. I am proud of our
friendship. I am happy and unhappy at the same time. It is like she was with me and she
wasn’t, like she walked away but stayed in my heart.
Something happened on the cemetery. I met someone who I had known before but I never
thought he knew me. I mean, he was probably aware of my existence, but we never had a
chance to talk face to face. And today I saw him next to his sister’s grave. He recognized me.
He smiled at me and came a little closer. His presence was intimidating. I saw him a couple of
times in their house, but he never paid attention to me.
The connection between us was specific. Her parents were like my parents to me. It is because
my family never behaved like a family. My mother committed a suicide two years ago. My
father preferred a battle with alcohol than me. But I am all right with that. I think the best for
me is being without them because I was never good enough for them. They expected too
much from me and I was not worth that much of attention for them. My feelings for them are
frozen and that is the way it has to be. I never had enough courage to tell my mother and
father what I felt. Maybe someday I will become a little bit prouder and louder. For now, I
prefer to be quiet.
Get back to the topic. Her brother and me on the cemetery. We didn’t speak too much. But
sometimes silence expresses more than words. That day we said everything by not splitting a
word, and it was something great for me. I just met him and it made me feel better. I hope I
will see those smiles on his face one more time. His eyes were so deep and empty at the same
time. They were full of emotions and full of feelings. I had never liked green before him. Now
I think the most beautiful things in the world are his green and dark eyes. His eyes told me
how depressed he was. His was broken and I wish I could fix him. He gave me his number. I
want to meet with him again. One look at his smiling face and I am calmer. He hugged me
once but his touch is still imprinted on my skin. I am scared because his touch was like a
snowflake. The snowflake can melt away. My hands are still shaking when I think about how
he held me tight. His hands cold but I felt like heat spilled on all my body. And I even felt this
warm under my bones and bind my blood to run. That warm brought me to life.
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I have to find happiness without her. It is like a love song without love. I have to wake up and
shout out every single emotion. I have to become more like a human and stop being so numb.
I always thought I would see her again. But one morning she was gone. And for the first time
I heard God’s laughing.
Dear diary,
Before I met him, I was losing my religion. I thought I heard laughing of demons. God was
not strong enough to be good, in my opinion. He took to his kingdom one of the most
important people in my life. But someone changed my mind about that. The Lord is one of us
and sometimes His decisions look like a big mistake. I think she is feeling better than ever
right now. And I feel much better too. Her brother is my remedy for the pain. He is like a pace
of clarity in the dark night. Every time we touch, I have got chills on all my body and even
inside my bones. I am freaking out when he is next to me. He lights up my world like nobody
else. Today I asked him if he knew this sick lack of oxygen when you want to say something
important. ‘I would like to share with you my oxygen’, he said to me. And it was the moment
of warm and happiness. He kissed me for the first time and I can still feel his lips around
mine. We are together going through the dark. He puts the smile on my face. He is like my
favorite song. I can repeat his words in my head all the time. He is my hero and my guardian
angel. I am weaker without him. I am not scared of the others, and I am not scared of love. He
and I are something great. I am foolishly and deeply and truly and madly and irrevocably in
love with him. I had never been hit so hard by love. He brought me to life and opened my
eyes. Every time he hold me in his arms I swear I can fly. There is something in his eyes. He
called me beautiful and he made me believe in that. He killed my sadness. I am feeling much
bigger and a little bit prouder. I am not so numb anymore.
He brought warm into my heart. He told me he was stronger with me next to him. His breathe
is my oxygen and his voice is my lullaby.
And I think I heard God’s laughing again.
Jacek
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