The first word in mangled meanings - FT.com
Sign in Site tour Register Subscribe
ft.com/management
Home World Business Education
Companies Entrepreneurship
Markets Business Books
Search
Advanced search
Global Economy Business Travel
Lex Recruitment
Comment Management Life & Arts The Connected Business
Tools
Welcome to FT.com, the global source of business news and analysis. Register now to receive 8 free articles per
month.
January 6, 2013 5:30 pm
Share
Clip
Reprints
Print
Email
The first word in mangled meanings
By Lucy Kellaway
Bosses have been rampant in the world of bull
T
EDITOR’S CHOICE
DEAR LUCY
VIDEO
The next problem: are
headphones too isolating?
How good design leads to
good data
he bullshit market knows only one phase: the bull phase. So it is no surprise
that 2012 turned out to be yet another bumper year for guff, cliché,
euphemism and verbal stupidity.
There are so many prizes to award in my latest Golden Flannel Awards that I am
axing my usual preamble and getting straight down to the business of giving out the
gongs.
More
ON THIS STORY
Michael Skapinker Well-chosen
words
Lucy Kellaway Burberry chief’s
top mix of brand and bunkum
Lucy Kellaway And the winners of
2011’s guff awards are...
Lucy Kellaway Management guff
lands in China
Lucy Kellaway UBS’s silly menu
leaves a bad taste
LUCY KELLAWAY
Lighting up has its benefits, too
Lucy Kellaway talks to Billy
Connolly
It’s time to stop stressing about
stress
The big news is that I’ve decided to supplement the
prizes for bull with an award for COC. This stands for
Chief Obfuscation Champion, and is open to big-name
chief executives. When I conceived this award a few
months ago, I promised it to Angela Ahrendts for
writing in her annual report: “In the wholesale
channel, Burberry exited doors not aligned with brand
status and invested in presentation through both
enhanced assortments and dedicated, customised real
estate in key doors.”
Now, alas, I’m forced to take it away from her and give
it to John Chambers instead. Last month he sent out
an email to Cisco employees beginning “Team,” and
ending: “We’ll wake the world up and move the planet
a little closer to the future.” Mr Chambers beats Ms
Ahrendts because he has created a concoction of
sublime arrogance and cheesiness out of short,
household words. He is a well-deserving COC.
Fatherhood is no degree in
management
I realise this will be disappointing to the Burberry
boss, so I’m putting her in for another new award: The
Door Gong. I was certain she would win this for her
outstanding effort in pretending her company sells doors when really it makes
super-pricey raincoats. But in the closing days of the year I found a company called
http://www.ft.com/intl/cms/s/0/86f0383a-54f6-11e2-89e0-00144feab49a.html#axzz2HSCOTkms[1/9/2013 12:37:47 AM]
HIGHLIGHTS
ANALYSIS REVIEW
FT JOBS
Grasp the implications of
global events
New Executive level job
board
COLUMNISTS
The first word in mangled meanings - FT.com
Record, which actually makes folding aluminium doors but has elected to describe
itself as a supplier of “entrance solutions”.
1. Lucy Kellaway on work
2. Andrew Hill on management
Staying with solutions, the next prize is the Martin Lukes Creovation Cup for
combining two words to make something less effective than either. This was a
crowded field as there was “solutioneering” from Yanmar, “innovalue” from the
Taiwanese government and “sustainagility” from Atos Origin. All are truly
creovative, but I’m giving the Cup to Momentum UK, for claiming we live in a
“phygital™” world. I particularly admire the use of the trademark.
From complex words to simple ones, comes the Preposition Award. There are two
contenders here. The first was shown to advantage recently in a statement from
Lloyds: “We have made substantial progress against our strategic objectives”, which
suggests the bank is moving in the wrong direction. But the winner is the innocuous
word “to” as increasingly heard in presentations: “I’ve got some slides to talk to” –
the unfortunate implication being that the speaker has to talk to the slides because
no one else is listening.
3. Luke Johnson on entrepreneurship
4. Michael Skapinker on business and society
5. Chris Nuttall on personal technology
MOST POPULAR IN MANAGEMENT
1. Rethink required on graduate training
2. The first word in mangled meanings
3. France’s gender evolution
4. The women piloting an industry
5. Business schools face a challenging future
The next award, Most Extravagant Job Title, is always hotly contested, but this year
there is a clear winner: Dr Amantha Imber is Head Inventiologist at Inventium. Her
job description: “to turn people into innovation dynamos”.
Now on to Best Euphemism For Firing People. Lots of companies sacked people last
year by “consolidating leadership”, but only Citibank deftly managed to hide the
fact that it was axing 1,100 people in a press release that talked of “optimizing the
customer footprint across geographies”.
This makes the old sacking euphemism of “right-sizing” look rather respectable.
Since then the word “right” has suffered much wrong, so much so I’m giving it a
special prize. This goes to Oliver Wyman, which in a report on the Future of Asian
Banking came up with not only “right-spacing” but the downright sinister “rightculturing”.
One of my favourite awards is always for the negative-dressed-up- as-positive, and
this year’s prize-winner is one of the finest examples I’ve ever seen. An analyst at
Religare heroically described a big drop in profits at United Spirits thus: “Ebitda degrew by 23.3 per cent”.
And finally, the mixed metaphor award. This was overheard in a project
management meeting at a big company: “You have to appreciate that the
milestones we have set in these swim lanes provide a road map for this flow chart.
When we get to toll gates, we’ll assess where you sit in the waterfall . . . ”
LATEST HEADLINES FROM DAILY FINANCE
Identity Thief Forgets to Change Shipping Address,
Sends Victims His Loot
Microsoft Announces 60M Licenses for Windows 8 Sold
3-D Printers at CES: Can MakerBot Sell a DIY
Revolution?
From the Engadget CES Stage: An Interview with
Nokia's Chris Weber
From the Engadget CES Stage: An Interview with
Qualcomm's Raj Talluri
FINANCIAL TIMES JOBS
All that now remains is to hand over the overall 2012 Golden Flannel Award. The
runaway winner is Citigroup, which not only produced the best euphemism, it also
wins a prize for jargon that actually clarifies matters. It declared from now on it
would offer “client-centric advice”. Which lets the cat out of the bag that the advice
it used to offer was otherwise. Citi-centric, perhaps.
lucy.kellaway@ft.com
Search
Head of IT Application
Development
Aldermore
Director of Finance
RNLI
Commercial Finance
Manager
Business Services
Head of Engineering Expatriate Assignment
Manufacturing /
Engineering
Copyright The Financial Times Limited 2013. You may share using our article tools.
Please don't cut articles from FT.com and redistribute by email or post to the web.
Register for free to receive the latest executive jobs by email
Share
Clip
Reprints
Print
Email
TOOLS & SERVICES
http://www.ft.com/intl/cms/s/0/86f0383a-54f6-11e2-89e0-00144feab49a.html#axzz2HSCOTkms[1/9/2013 12:37:47 AM]
The first word in mangled meanings - FT.com
Post your own comment
To comment, you must sign in or register
Sign in
Register
Multimedia
Quick links
Video
Mergermarket
Blogs
How to spend it
Podcasts
SchemeXpert.com
Interactive graphics
Social Media hub
Audio slideshows
The Banker
Picture slideshows
The Banker Database
fDi Intelligence
Comments
Sorted by newest first | Sort by oldest first
ElDiggityDawg | January 8 2:08pm | Permalink
Report
Tools
fDi Markets
Portfolio
FT Lexicon
Professional Wealth
Management
FT clippings
This is Africa
Currency converter
Investors Chronicle
For extravagant job title, it's difficult to beat Danske bank's Jesper Andreasen, whom you may have observed
MBA rankings
MandateWire
on Alphaville lamenting the "muppets" he has to interview. Previously "global head of quantitative analysis", he
Newslines
FTChinese.com
went one better last promotion, becoming "universal" head. That's right - he runs their quant team FOR THE
Today's newspaper
Pensions Week
WHOLE UNIVERSE
FT press cuttings
glandeur | January 8 11:27am | Permalink
Report
Totally great, thank-you very much.
FT ebooks
Services
FT ePaper
Subscriptions
Economic calendar
Corporate subscriptions
Education subscriptions
When that is possible/feasible, I would have loved links to the actual texts (or other media) where these quotes
Updates
Syndication
Alerts Hub
Privilege Club
Daily briefings
Conferences
FT on Facebook
Annual reports
A bit of an anti-climax compared to last week's especially as the word b-----tt is not adequte enough to
FT on Twitter
Executive job search
describe what goes on the brains of those people who earn absolute fortunes for chewing gum and spitting it
FT on your mobile
come from.
Lord Jamieson Gradgrind | January 7 11:56pm | Permalink
Report
out at the innocent and gullible masses.
Scott Lowry | January 7 10:22pm | Permalink
Report
Non-Executive Directors'
Share prices on your phone Club
Businesses for sale
RSS feeds
Contracts & tenders
Analyst research
Great, Lucy. Your best of the year!
Old man 451 | January 7 9:48pm | Permalink
Commercial Property
listings
Report
FT Collection
I have to acknowledge this is great and necessary satirical writing. Big applause!.
beachcomber | January 7 5:59pm | Permalink
Report
Bravo Lucy!
TW1983 | January 7 5:25pm | Permalink
Report
An excellent read Lucy, as these awards always are.
You're talk of the Entrance Solutions reminded me something I saw recently that might provide a good
category for next years awards. While at Heathrow recently I noticed that the loo role holders were made by a
company called "Da Vinci Dispensing Solutions".
They will sure take some beating for the "Most Grandiose Company Name" Award.
CatherineC | January 7 5:00pm | Permalink
Report
Outstanding - and a wonderful start to my day! I confer upon you the Golden Dagger award - straight to the
point.
WAX, director, 40 | January 7 4:55pm | Permalink
Company announcements
Report
craptivating indeed ... perhaps the FT could come up with a new FTSE index of palaver - I posit that the
http://www.ft.com/intl/cms/s/0/86f0383a-54f6-11e2-89e0-00144feab49a.html#axzz2HSCOTkms[1/9/2013 12:37:47 AM]
The first word in mangled meanings - FT.com
instances of bull are directly correlated to the likelihood of a bubble (akin to all smoke and no sausage). Happy
New Year Lucy.
Tavvy | January 7 4:10pm | Permalink
Report
Your article is truly devastating, dangerous and menacing the very pillars of our civilisation. People like you
cause pain and put the whole business world at risk. It’s simply too easy to call for burning evangelists at the
stake – a world without innovation dynamos that talk to slides would certainly be doomed to de-grow, sadder
and with no entrance solution at hand! Horrific thought! Repent!
(un)civil servant | January 7 3:44pm | Permalink
Report
The throwaway devastatingly witty line" “I’ve got some slides to talk to” – the unfortunate implication being that
the speaker has to talk to the slides because no one else is listening. " will keep me chuckling though many
many presentations this year, where I attempt to achieve new heights of progress against my objectives of
another year of client-centric innovalue and sustainagilty. Bravo. Bravo.
Robert George | January 7 3:40pm | Permalink
Report
If a door company provides "entrance solutions" does a funeral parlour provide "exit solutions"?
Richard Hancock | January 7 3:35pm | Permalink
Report
I like the sound of "phygital™", assuming it's pronounced like "fidget-al" and describes digital tech that
encourages couch potatoes to get active.
Thuyein Kyaw-Zaw | January 7 3:08pm | Permalink
Report
My wife is a huge fan of you, miss. Now I know why. Your fame in our household is quite just. Lol...
By the way Harry Frankfurt has penned 'On Bull**it' a couple of decades ago (worth reading, perhaps more
than that). Our bull-s**tting culture has made huge strides over these years.
chris robling | January 7 2:47pm | Permalink
Report
S p e c t a c u l a r,
as usual.
Here's to a 2013 in which the drivelers provide oodles of bafflegab. Not to support obfuscation, but because Ms
Kellaway's exposes so richly satisfy.
Thanks, c
ps love the EU official's 'craptivating,' below. Hear, hear.
rogerbater | January 7 2:24pm | Permalink
Report
"..inherent structural systemic template.." was a phrase used in a report from a well-known consultancy to my
company on how it should re-organise itself. The phrase marked the point at which I abandoned further
reading. This was over thirty years ago so, as Lucy so ably demonstrates, flannelling is still alive and well.
Apollo Ragot | January 7 2:22pm | Permalink
Report
"De=grew"- now, that is just awesome!
I indeed will vote for Citi's “client-centric advice". I wonder how many man-hours in meetings and conferences
that went through before publication.
User 6209779 | January 7 2:04pm | Permalink
Report
Another great article . You should be a guest speaker to ALL MBA courses....
Lucy Kellaway | January 7 1:20pm | Permalink
Report
@Not Stelan Futurama mixed metaphor quite brilliant. If you had told me sooner I would have given it a large,
http://www.ft.com/intl/cms/s/0/86f0383a-54f6-11e2-89e0-00144feab49a.html#axzz2HSCOTkms[1/9/2013 12:37:47 AM]
The first word in mangled meanings - FT.com
golden flannel
CThwaites | January 7 12:56pm | Permalink
Report
Martin Lukes....a person way ahead of his time warp, pioneering excellence and establishing communication
inter markers. Where oh where is he now?
Pat Coyne | January 7 12:45pm | Permalink
Report
Brilliant. Alert the Oxford English Dictionary. There was a story recently that one of their most distinguished
editors, Robert Burchfield, de-grew the dictionary by optimizing the lexicological footprint across geographies
and right-culturing itself by removing foreign words. Now is the time to be creovative, turn themselves into
innovation dynamos and move the dictionary a little closer to the future by including a few of these welcome
neolinguistic solutions.
Not Stelan | January 7 12:31pm | Permalink
Report
I look forward to your annual BS awards and this year is brilliant as always.
The Futurama writing team managed to squeeze a brilliant mixed metaphor into one of their episodes:
"The alien mother ship is here. If we can hit that bullseye the rest of the dominoes will fall like a house of cards.
Checkmate."
And here's an example of how the language used on packaging can mislead:
http://somegags.bl...ter-keep-cool.html
borgesgomes | January 7 12:22pm | Permalink
Report
Oh, and please, now that Obama has glorified it by using it, can we have your take on "déjà vu all over again"?
Much obliged,
Alexandre.
borgesgomes | January 7 12:20pm | Permalink
Report
Dear Lucy,
I have been reading you for years and you have not let me down once. As an EU official going on 26 years, I
know a thing or two about hot air.
I find what you describe truly "craptivating"!
Sinobserver | January 7 11:38am | Permalink
Report
A superb example or reader-centric emotional pleasure point activation.
F.T. French Teaser | January 7 11:24am | Permalink
Report
Brilliant Lucy!! Where can I learn to talk/write like this? Sounds like the key to making real money!!
James Sugden | January 7 11:19am | Permalink
Report
'de-grew': I used this to demonstrate to a small group of young Chinese students the difficulties they may face
understanding so called 'native English speakers'. These kids must pass an academic English test at a level
many of their UK peers would not be able to achieve. They can deal with sarcasm and satire and even dole it
out themselves, but some of the rubbish reported in this article leaves them bemused.
James Sugden | January 7 11:15am | Permalink
Report
'de-grew': I used this to demonstrate to a small group of young Chinese students the difficulties they will face
understanding so called 'native English speakers'. These kids have to pass an academic English language test
at a level many UK citizens would not be able to achieve. They can excel at sarcasm and satire but the
contortions reported in this article leave them bemused.
http://www.ft.com/intl/cms/s/0/86f0383a-54f6-11e2-89e0-00144feab49a.html#axzz2HSCOTkms[1/9/2013 12:37:47 AM]
The first word in mangled meanings - FT.com
loftyc | January 7 11:10am | Permalink
Report
Re phygital, it's sadly all too real (?!) From a CES piece by Chris Nuttall today's FT on the new 27" Lenovo
tablet: “For the player, the action is part physical, part digital – an activity that Lenovo refers to as ‘phygital’.” –
Lenovo press release.
Aspartic | January 7 10:57am | Permalink
Report
Great piece on interactive foofaraw, otherwise known as "bull...."
KSB | January 7 10:42am | Permalink
Report
'phygital'...sounds like it needs a medical cream.
passionate crusader | January 7 10:06am | Permalink
Report
Trendarbiter
Don Mackinlay | January 7 9:47am | Permalink
Report
Dear Lucy, Don't always agree with your views, but this effort made me belly laugh out loud (to myself).
Suggest that your readers coin a new term "kellawaylaid" which means "to be have been subjected to your
wicked ridicule". Happy new year!
Thumbscrew | January 7 9:23am | Permalink
Report
Another Kellaway Klassic
Svengelska | January 7 8:51am | Permalink
Report
I loved it. In the late 1960s most IBM salesmen carried a buzz word generator that allowed the speaker/writer
to combine three phrases or words to make an impressive sounding declaration. Sounds like it's been
"recreativized".
Niccolo M | January 7 8:33am | Permalink
Report
Awesome!
Andrea Soldo | January 7 8:07am | Permalink
Report
GREAT!
lbk | January 7 7:55am | Permalink
Report
Excellent! ....but surely, SURELY phygital with a TM attached was a tongue-in-cheek obeissance to you and
your mate Martin?
A Q Kopp | January 7 7:40am | Permalink
Report
How about an award to those people who speak in clear plain English to make their point. Surely these idiots
need a role model if they are to mend their ways.
Acquarius | January 7 7:31am | Permalink
Report
Great.
the idler of march | January 7 7:08am | Permalink
Report
"de-grew". Love that one. That is just beyond parody. I wish I had the balls to say stuff like that in meetings.
JPB Law | January 7 6:33am | Permalink
Report
Completely surreal. Thanks to Evan Davis just now on Today for making this vaguely digestible as otherwise it
http://www.ft.com/intl/cms/s/0/86f0383a-54f6-11e2-89e0-00144feab49a.html#axzz2HSCOTkms[1/9/2013 12:37:47 AM]
The first word in mangled meanings - FT.com
seemed almost incomprehensible. I wonder whether it would be easier if the article had been structured as a
list of some sort, with bite size pieces...
Lafcadio | January 7 5:37am | Permalink
Report
Thanks Lucy. It's really quite amazing the crap these people come out with.
owl | January 7 5:26am | Permalink
Report
Fab You Lous
Daft Singaporean | January 7 5:09am | Permalink
Report
Mrs Kellaway, I am so glad I never got to marry somebody like you.....I am sure you are lovely....it's just that I
will never win an argument with you ! or somebody like you.
...thank you and I am an ardent fan of yours. My wife is simply jealous of you.....she thinks you are too clever
by half....And I am also very glad I married her..I do agree with her, most of the time....Cheers
Mrs P | January 7 4:24am | Permalink
Report
Marvelliance
Help • Contact us • About us • Sitemap • Advertise with the FT • Terms & conditions • Privacy policy • Copyright • Cookie policy
© THE FINANCIAL TIMES LTD 2013 FT and 'Financial Times' are trademarks of The Financial Times Ltd.
http://www.ft.com/intl/cms/s/0/86f0383a-54f6-11e2-89e0-00144feab49a.html#axzz2HSCOTkms[1/9/2013 12:37:47 AM]