4.3 Stating Emotions Effectively
Instructions
I. Identify what’s ineffective or unclear about each of the following feeling statements.
II. Rewrite the feeling statements making them more effective using the guidelines from your text:
A.
Recognize feelings
B.
Recognize the difference between feeling, talking & acting
C.
Expand your emotional vocabulary
1.
Avoid emotional counterfeits
2.
Express verbally
a.
Use single words
b.
Describe what’s happening to you
c.
Describe what you’d like to do
3.
Avoid minimizing feelings
4.
Avoid coded feelings
5.
Focus on a specific set of circumstances
D.
Share multiple feelings
E.
Consider where and when to express your feelings
F.
Accept responsibility for your feelings
G.
Be mindful of the communication channel
FEELING STATEMENT
EXAMPLE
When you complimented me in front of
Everyone at the party, I was really
embarrassed.
1.
IDENTIFY INEFFECTIVE, UNCLEAR
ELEMENTS – REWRITE STATEMENT
I didn’t express the mixed emotions I was
feeling. I could have expressed this better by
saying, “When you complimented me last night
at the party, I was glad you were proud of me,
but I was embarrassed that so many people
heard it.”
You should be more sensitive.
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2.
I get kind of jealous when you have
lunch with colleagues.
3. I don’t hear anyone offering to help
with this project.
4. Well, I guess you don’t really care
about this – or me.
5.
When you act like that, I don’t want to
be seen with you.
6.
You make me happy.
7.
Why should I help you now?
You never show me any appreciation.
8.
I was a little ticked off when
you didn’t show up.
9.
You jerk – you forgot to put gas
in the car!
10. It’s about time you paid up!
11. I guess I’m a little attracted to him.
12. With all that’s happened, I feel
like I’m in a time warp.
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T-Th 9:40 -11:00 a.m. 9/27/09
Speech 120, Interpersonal Communication
4.3 Stating Emotions Effectively
Feeling Statement
1. You should be more sensitive.
I did not accept
responsibility for my own
feelings.
2. I get kind of jealous when you
have lunch with colleagues.
I was not assertive in
clearly expressing my
multiple emotions.
3. I don’t hear anyone offering to
help with this project.
I need to recognize the
difference between
talking, thinking and
feeling and I clearly need
to state my multiple
emotions.
4. Well, I guess you don’t really care
about this – or me.
I did not accept
responsibility for my
feelings nor did I express
mixed feelings.
Identify ineffective, unclear
elements/rewrite statement
I could have said, “I felt defensive and
frustrated when you told me my emotions
were out of control. I hope you can
understand why I felt the way I did and
let’s work on how we can communicate our
feelings using empathy and clear and
concise vocabulary. I would feel so much
more satisfied if we could do that.”
I could have stated, “I felt confused, hurt
and intimidated when you didn’t ask me to
join you for lunch. I wasn’t sure if I had
made you upset, or that you perhaps had
office work to discuss. Is there a specific
reason I was not invited?”
I could have said, “I’m feeling
overwhelmed and fearful of not be able to
complete my job with the intensity of this
project. Chris, would you like to help me
tackle the work or do you have any
suggestions on how I could feel less
defeated and more confident?”
I could have stated, “ When you forgot
our anniversary date I feel hurt, and
angry. I also begin to worry that maybe
our relationship isn’t important to you
anymore, and so now I’m feeling anxious.”
5. When you act like that, I don’t
want to be seen with you.
I did not accept
responsibility for my
feelings and I’m blaming
you for how I felt without
specifically addressing
what “act” you did to
embarrass me.
6. You make me happy.
I need to share multiple
feelings and clearly
specify what about you or
the situation I feel happy
about.
7. Why should I help you know? You
never show any appreciation.
I chose to be negative in
this statement. I wanted
you to beg for help, which
is unfair. I also expressed
my discontent
inappropriately.
8. I was a little ticked off when
you didn’t show up.
I did not express multiple
feelings I had in this
situation.
I could have said, “I feel annoyed and
uneasy when you talk behind our friend’s
back because I think that it reflects
negatively upon you and me since you are
someone I respect and love.”
I could have said, “I feel so content ,joyful
and loving toward you when you help me
clean the apartment and then treat me to
dinner. Thank you!”
I could have said, “I would love to help you
however, I feel neglected and then taken
advantage of when I do a lot for the
housework and you sometimes forget to
acknowledge my efforts. I really feel hurt
and not very valued when this happens and
that feels belittling to me. Let’s try to act
more reciprocally.”
I could have said, “I felt anxious, scared
and disappointed when I didn’t hear from
you yesterday. I thought perhaps I had the
wrong day, or that you had gotten into a
serious accident, or that maybe you just
forgot. What happened for you to miss our
meeting?”
9. You jerk – you forgot to put gas
in the car!
I did not express any
emotion or feeling here.
10. It’s about time you paid up.
I did not state a feeling
and I failed to
communicate any feelings
clearly and effectively.
11. I guess I’m a little attracted to
him.
I need to recognize my
actual feelings. Using the
words “I guess” does not
help me identify or clearly
express my emotions.
12. With all that’s happened, I feel
like I’m in a time warp.
I need to expand my
emotional vocabulary and
address what actual
feelings I am
experiencing.
I could have said, “When I tried to start the
car yesterday, I realized it was out of gas.
Since you were the last to use it, I assumed
you would have put some more gas in the
tank. Unfortunately, I had to call a tow
truck and I felt frustrated that I was late for
work and I felt surprised and then annoyed
and then resentful toward you because you
forgot to fill the tank up.”
I could have said, “Hey Michela, I was
wondering if you could pay me back by
next Thursday. I feel uncomfortable and
embarrassed to ask since you usually
remember, but I’d like to use the money to
pay my upcoming bills. Thanks!”
I could have said, “I am physically
attracted to him, but his sarcastic sense of
humor makes me feel uneasy and
suspicious of the true nature of his
character.”
I could have said, “I feel bewildered and
exhausted helping my elderly neighbor
through another bout of depression. This
reminds me when I took care of my
grandma and I now feel both nostalgic and
sad.”
4.3 - Stating Emotions Effectively
Chapter Assignment SUMMARY
I believe the goal of this assignment was, as the instructions clearly pointed out and then you reiterated
in class, a two-part objective. The first part was to see if we, as students, could correctly identify what was
ineffective about the original statement in the Activities Manual and then the second goal was to see if we could
effectively write a “feeling statement” that clearly expressed how we felt. I liked the fact that the Group
Presentation and your lecture asked us to consider how many times we all say something like, “I feel it’s wrong
to …..” when really we are NOT expressing any of our feelings at all – we are most often expressing a personal
thought or a belief of ours. So, what I learned is that it could often be much clearer to any listener if after I say
“I feel” I followed that immediately with an “emotion word” such as “happy,” “sad,” “irritated,” “bored,” etc.
As simple as that may sound, this is something I had never given much thought to before, but now that I
consider this, I think, “Wow, what a logical concept!” It makes so much sense to me to use an “emotion word”
after stating or writing “I feel….” I really like having new ideas to consider especially with language patterns
that I really don’t usually give any thought to.
My only comment is to have you, Professor Gaiz, continue to emphasize in class how you want us to
have both Part 1. and 2. in this exercise, because I think I would have only done the “rewrite” (Part 2.) had you
not gone over and stressed this fact in class. I also like that fact that you stated that as a reader of this exercise
you wanted to know specifically for each and every example, EXACTLY HOW WE FELT. I would very
much like if you would consider using this exercise and this Summary as one of your online samples.