Kristin Bowling
Theory in Action
The aspects of the Relational Dialectics Theory (RDT) affect us daily in the
interpersonal relationships of our lives. Whether its family relationships, work relationships,
or romantic relationships, the elements of this theory are always at work. RDT presents the
claim that relationships are threatened by ongoing tensions caused by opposite desires by the
members in the relationship. Each person in a relationship has wants and needs, and the
opposition of these creates a push and pull tension on the relationship. This theory was
developed in order to better understand these tensions and to devise strategies to overcome
them. The theory states that communication is the main source for organizing and
overcoming these tensions. RDT has four dialectics that it lays its foundation on including
interactional dialectics, contextual dialectics, public and private dialectics, and real and ideal
dialectics. These RDT dialectics are put into action through my college application process,
which put a strain on my mother and I’s relationship.
I didn’t want to go to college. High school was tough enough for me, and I didn’t
want to deal with the stress or the work load of college. So up until January of my senior year
in high school, I had the mindset that I wasn’t going to college. Obviously, my mom saw this
as a huge mistake and did everything in her power to prevent it. She told everyone about my
decision not to pursue a college degree. And when I say everyone, I mean everyone. Next
thing I know, teachers from school, my friends’ parents, and my extended family members
were talking to me about the disastrous mistake I was about to make in my life. Of course I
was mad at my mom for embarrassing me and making all these people talk to me about my
life, causing tension in our relationship. This most closely fits under the interactional
dialectic of the theory, which states that tensions are constructed by communication.
Communication is at the very root of any relationship; successful communication could be
they key factor for successful relationships. It also relates to the openness and protection
tension of the theory, which explains my need to be open and reveal personal information
with my mom, but also my desire to put this guard up to protect my feelings. According to
West and Turner (2007), authors of Communication Theory Analysis and Application, this
dialectic “focuses on our conflicting desire first to be open and vulnerable, and second to be
strategic and protective in our communication” (p. 228). By her talking to others about my
feelings, it made me feel very vulnerable, and it made me think more about my decision to be
so open. I knew my mom was just trying to do the right thing by telling everyone about my
decision, but at the same time the communication made me feel uncomfortable.
After I was talked to by practically everyone in my hometown of Homerville, I had
changed my mind and decided that I would give college a chance. But this was January of my
senior year, so I had a lot of lost time to make up for. My mom was always there for me,
helping me along the way. The progress of my mother and I’s relationship is very advanced.
Through all of our experiences together we have established our close relationship. Because
of the progression and closeness of this relationship, we both feel like we can reveal anything
to one another. And to my mother, that means scheduling college visits without telling me.
This is the contextual dialectic of the RDT, or tensions that result because of the progression
of a relationship. She would schedule college visits on time that would work for her, but
definitely weren’t good for me. This put some tension within our relationship. My mom felt
like we were at the point in our relationship that she could do that, but I did not like it. Again,
I knew my mom was trying to do the right thing, but because of these scheduled visits, I was
missing out on things that were important to me, which put stress on the relationship between
us.
My mother was also very involved in my college application process. She wanted to
help me with my acceptance essays, scholarship applications, and even go to college
interviews with me. Although I appreciated her help, it put a large amount of stress on our
relationship because I wanted to be independent with my college applications. For some,
college is the perfect time to be independent, and that starts with the application process. This
is the public and private dialectic of this theory, or the want to be in a relationship with the
need of being independent at the same time. Through this dialectic, I can relate to the
straining push and pull of relationships that the RDT bases its claims on. I wanted my mom
to help me with some aspects of applying to colleges such as the financial aid areas, but as far
as acceptance essays, I wanted to do that on my own. This also relates to the autonomy and
connection tension of the theory, which states that we want to have intimate relationships, but
also want to have a sense of independence. West and Turner (2007) make that point that
“private communication codes illustrate the presence of both connection and autonomy in
relationships.” (227). In the case of my mother and I, our relationship suffered because of this
strain fostered by the dual presence; my want to be independent, but also my want to have a
close relationship.
Another aspect of the college application process that put a huge strain on my mother
and I’s relationship was the expectation that I formed for my mother. I expected her to let me
be independent with my college application process, and let me take control of my own life.
She’s always let me be pretty individualistic with everything I do. But when she started
wanting to be a part of every step of the process, it didn’t meet my expectations, which put
stress on our relationship. I had this idea of how I wanted my mother to be during this
process in my head, or my idealized relationship, but the real relationship we had was very
different, and it caused tensions. This explains the real and ideal dialectic as outlined in the
RDT, which states that tensions occur from the difference between idealized and real
relationships. It also relates to the predictability and novelty tension of this theory, which
explains our need to predict what will happen in relationships, and how when our prediction
doesn’t come true, tension forms. West and Turner (2007) build on this when they state this
tension “refers to the conflict between the comfort of stability and the excitement of change”
(p.228). I had predicted that my mom would let me be independent with this process, and
when she didn’t, the change was new and different, and put stress on our relationship.
As told through my mother and I’s relationship, the Relational Dialectic Theory is a
very relatable theory to many, if not all, of the relationships of our daily lives. The theory’s
claim that through every relationship there are tensions that occur from opposing wants and
needs by relational partners is proven. Through interactional dialectics, contextual dialectics,
public and private dialectics, and real and ideal dialectics, people are able to better
understand the tensions that occur in their everyday relationships and devise strategies to
overcome them. My mother and I’s rollercoaster relationship during my college application
process is a prime example of the RDT in action. Tensions do occur in relationships, but
through the Relational Dialectics Theory, people can better understand them and devise
strategies to overcome them.
Works Cited
West, R. & Turner, S.H. (2007). “Relational Dialectics Theory.” Communication Theory:
Analysis and Application. New York: McGraw Hill Companies, Inc.