Beginning Level
Training Handbook
A Program of the Office of the Dean of Students
Student Support and Diversity Education
Cornell University
Funded in Part by the Student Activity Fee
http://ears.dos.cornell.edu
TABLE OF CONTENTS
ears@cornell.edu
Topic
Page
Week 1
Active Counseling Model & Summary
Counselor Attitudes
2
6
Week 2
Empathy
Vocabulary of Affective Adjectives
Communication Leads
Preparation for Being an Issue Giver in Triads
The Observer’s Role in Triads
Observation
8
_9
14
15
19
20
Week 3
Feedback
21
Week 4
Probes
100 Questions (Interpersonal Techniques)
24
27
Week 5
Integrating Stage One
Advanced Empathy
Validation
Feeling words
Immediacy
Empathy Exercise
31
35
36
37
39
41
Week 6
Counseling LGBT issues
44
Week 7
Summarization
Focusing
Confrontation
Exercise for Confrontation, Info Giving, Validation & Immediacy
47
48
49
50
Week 8
Counseling Across Cultures
52
Week 9
Problem Solving Steps
The Problem Solving Process
Solution Focused Counseling
The “Miracle Question”
Exception Finding Questions
Scaling Questions
53
54
55
57
59
61
Week 10
Closure
63
Week 11
Basis for Crisis Intervention
Referrals
65
68
Week 12
Requirements to Become an EARS Counselor
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QuickTime™ and a
TIFF (LZW) decompressor
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EARS Active Counseling Model
Stage I
Goals
1. To establish rapport with the individual.
2. To explore and clarify the situation, thoughts, and feelings of the individual.
Important Helping Behaviors of Stage I
1. Attending Behaviors: may vary according to culture, or individuals. ROLE SET
Relax
Open, square posture
Lean towards the other person
Eye contact with the individual
Silence - allowing the individual time to think or talk.
Encouragers - using nonverbal or short encouraging statements (nods, "uh-huh", "tell
me more.")
Tone of voice - matching that of the individual, conveying warmth and energy.
2.
3.
4.
Attitudes UGREEN
Understanding
Genuineness
Respect
Esteem
Empathy
Nonjudgmentalness
Empathy Statements
 Situation- reflecting facts or thoughts of the individual.
 Feeling - reflecting affect (feelings) stated or implied by the individual.
 Meaning - reflecting values and meanings stated or implied by the individual.
Probes
Used to explore, clarify, and promote concreteness. Probes are not used to satisfy the
counselor’s curiosity about something.
 Requests for clarification - statements which help an individual become more
specific ("I'm not sure what you mean by...", "Tell me more...")
Questions
 Open - questions which allow the individual to explain or explore, (who, what,
where, when, how, and - use sparingly - why).
 Closed - questions answered by yes or no, or one word, should be avoided or
used sparingly because they lead or may "close down" the discussion.
 Accent - a “mini-empathy statement” which emphasizes with a tone of voice
one word the individual has used that seems key to their concern (for example,
“Scared?”).
Stage II
Goals
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2.
3.
1. To identify common themes and underlying issues, and to probe beyond the
individual's understanding in Stage I.
To help the individual obtain a new perspective.
To focus on the particular area(s) of concern.
Important Helping Behaviors of Stage II (all help to focus the session)
1. Summarization - briefly restating important feelings and facts at appropriate times in order
to clarify and move session along (for example, in the transition between stages, or levels
of understanding, or when the session is floundering and needs focus).
2. Advanced Empathy - identifying and labeling underlying feelings and/or meanings which
the individual hasn't expressed, but for which you see evidence. This involves taking a
risk.
3. Confrontation
A. Focusing on process of discussion: "You seem to avoid talking about your feelings."
B. Pointing out discrepancies between:
1.
Statements
2.
Statement(s) and body language, or
3.
Feelings, content, and/or meaning.
C. Confrontation is not beating the individual over the head. Avoid attitudes,
statements, or a tone of voice which suggest "You should have..."
4. Validation - A statement which acknowledges and affirms an individual's feelings,
struggles, successes, etc. Validation is a tool for conveying the EARS attitudes of
understanding, nonjudgmentalness, and respect. ("I can understand why this must be so
difficult for you," "It shows a lot of strength that you called tonight.")
5. Immediacy - Focusing on current feelings and behaviors, here and now.
6. Information Giving - Sharing information and facts (not opinions) that the individual
currently does not have.
Stage III
Goals
1. To set goals
2. To plan a course of action
Important Helping Behaviors of Stage III
Problem Solving/Decision-Making
1. Identifying the problem and related facts and feelings
2. Clarifying the goal
3. Brainstorming alternatives
4. , Evaluate alternatives, discussing logical consequences
5. Choose and Make Plan for a course of action that will help achieve goal
6. Evaluate and Re-act
2. Referrals
 Identifying need to refer
 Knowing available resources
 Making referrals appropriately
3. Closure
 Summarizing major points of the discussion
 Focusing on present feelings of the individual
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 Making sure the individual has accurate referral information, including location,
knowledge of hours, etc.
Based on Gerard Egan, The Skilled Helper, Brooks/Cole Pub. Co.,Monterey, CA, 1975.
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Counselor Attitudes
1. Understanding
Making an effort to really understand another person is a basic tenet of counseling. In everyday
life, our usual response to any statement is to evaluate and judge, rather than to really hear what
is being said.
Understanding means temporarily suspending judgment, insofar as that is possible. This means
our own values and beliefs may be challenged. As counselors, we attempt to enter someone
else’s world. We try to understand their attitudes and values, to listen with respect and
acceptance. This creates a safe atmosphere in which the individual can begin accepting where
they are at that moment, an initial step in the process of change.
Understanding is communicated by carefully watching and listening to the speaker, by mirroring
the feelings expressed, and by verbally responding with understanding. It’s important that the
individual feels the counselor genuinely cares about their distress. One of the most common
problems which brings people to EARS is low self-esteem, the feeling that you are not valued.
Only real caring can begin to change that.
2. Genuineness
The counselor/individual relationship will be best when both parties are open and honest.
Although we may attempt to be open to another individual, we all come with our own values and
may sometimes find that negative feelings interfere with the session. It is best to try to express
those feelings, and to do so in a non-threatening way. Since the relationship is built on trust, the
counselor’s sensitive expression of any negative feelings may strengthen the interpersonal bond
and encourage honesty on the part of the individual.
3. Respect
The core of the EARS philosophy is that it is basic human nature to pursue a positive direction,
to be productive and grow. Sometimes, though, people get stuck in patterns of behavior or
attitudes that block individual growth and exploration. The counselor's role is to provide a safe
environment which the individual can use for personal growth. Each person has the ability to
discover the best way of handling their particular situation; they also possesses the knowledge,
resources and skills to best handle those issues.
Respecting the individual means respecting their feelings and opinions as valid, and realizing
that they have the ability to solve their own problems in the best possible way. Trying to solve
another person’s problem, while sometimes tempting, is not the counselor’s role and doesn’t help
the person realize their own power to help themselves. Being received with respect, on the other
hand, will foster growing self-respect in the individual.
4. Esteem: "to regard with respect or affection; to value; to rate highly"
To esteem someone means “to hold in high regard, to appreciate the worth of.” We may
appreciate the worth of an individual, regardless of whether we agree with their opinions, even if
their value system conflicts with our own. It may sometimes take an effort to find what it is we
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can value about another person, but it is worth the effort. Seeing another person’s strengths
and reflecting those back to the individual can be a gift that will help them towards growth in
their own self-esteem, and towards making positive changes in their lives.
5. Empathy
Empathy means being able to feel for and with another person and being open to understanding
their experiences and feelings. It means the counselor is willing to see the world through another
person’s eyes. Carl Rogers describes empathy as experiencing the individual's private world "as
if it were you own, but without ever losing the ‘as if' quality."
6. Nonjudgmentalness
Based on the attitude of unconditional positive regard, or esteem, we as counselors withhold our
own judgments where possible, and within reason. We neither condemn nor cheer on the
individual. Being nonjudgmental gives the individual the freedom to explore feelings and
thoughts. The counselor can be supportive of an individual trying out new behaviors without
being judgmental. For example, we may sometimes have a strong feeling that the person’s
thoughts are leading in a negative direction, but when they are allowed to explore those thoughts
further, they come around to a more positive direction themselves.
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Empathy
Empathy
Showing empathy involves reflecting what the individual has said in an attempt to:
• show the individual that you have been listening;
• make a more concise and understandable statement of what the individual has said;
• verify what has been said;
• tie feeling, content, and meaning together.
Reflection of Situation (Content )
Reflecting content is feeding back the essence of what has just been said by attending very
carefully to the verbal statements of the individual. Reflection of content will predominantly
focus on the individual’s situation and thoughts.
Reflection of Feeling (Affect)
Going beyond the cognitive aspects of the individual's communication by reflecting the
underlying emotional or feeling aspects stated or implied by the individual. Nonverbal behavior
can also be taken into account; use your eyes to listen for feelings.
Reflection of Meaning
Exploring what the situation means to the individual based on their values, beliefs and
experiences. For example, “I sense that friendship is very important to you.” The meaning a
person ascribes to something will directly affect their feelings about it.
Keep in mind:
• Repeat in your mind what the individual is saying.
• At appropriate times, repeat out loud, in your own words, what the individual is saying.
• Check the accuracy of your understanding periodically during the conversation.
• Listen for feeling words.
• Listen to the tone of voice.
• Listen to and observe nonverbal messages as cues to feelings, i.e., posture, mode of
expression, catches in voice, etc.
• Label the feelings using your own words.
• Focus on present feelings.
• Use sentence stems like "You seem to feel...", "Sounds like you feel...","I sense you're..."
• Clarify what the individual is feeling by providing a context, i.e., "You seem to feel
_________ when (or because) ___________."
• Ask the individual for clarification if the verbal and nonverbal messages are discrepant or
unclear.
• Watch and listen to the individual's reaction for further insights into feelings, and to modify
your understanding and improve your next empathy statement.
• Do not minimize the feeling (i.e., “a little scared”).
Advantages to Responding to Feelings and Meaning:
• Facilitates the individual's movement toward more complete self-awareness and selfunderstanding.
• Indicates you understand what the individual is feeling.
• Allows the counselor to sense the world as the individual is feeling and perceiving it.
• Draws the individual out for more sharing and elaboration.
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Vocabulary of Affective Adjectives
This list of adjectives was developed to help the user find the most appropriate
description of perceived feelings. No attempt has been made to order these words in terms of
their degree of intensity.
Note that by simply preceding many of these adjectives with appropriate adverbs, you
can control the intensity of your communication. For example:
You feel angry with your teacher for scolding you.
You feel quite angry with your teacher for scolding you.
You feel very angry with your teacher for scolding you.
You feel extremely angry with your teacher for scolding you.
Pleasant Affective States
(Love, Affection, Concern)
Admired
Adorable
Affectionate
Agreeable
Affectionate
Altruistic
Amiable
Benevolent
Benign
Big-hearted
Caring
Charitable
Comforting
Congenial
Conscientious
Considerate
Cooperative
Cordial
Courteous
Dedicated
Devoted
Easy-going
Empathic
Fair
Faithful
Forgiving
Friendly
Generous
Genuine
Giving
Good
Good-humored
Good-natured
Helpful
Honest
Honorable
Hospitable
Humane
Interested
Just
Kind
Kindly
Kindhearted
Lenient
Lovable
Loving
Mellow
Mild
Moral
Neighborly
Nice
Obliging
Open
Optimistic
Patient
Peaceful
Pleasant
Polite
Reasonable
Receptive
Reliable
Respectful
Responsible
Sensitive
Sympathetic
Sweet
Tender
Thoughtful
Tolerant
Truthful
Trustworthy
Understanding
Unselfish
Warm
Warm-hearted
Well-meaning
Wise
(Elation, Joy)
Amused
At ease
Blissful
Brilliant
Calm
Cheerful
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Comical
Contented
Delightful
Ecstatic
Elated
Elevated
Enchanted
Enthusiastic
Exalted
Excellent
Excited
Fantastic
Fine
Fit
Glad
Glorious
Good
Grand
Gratified
Great
Happy
Humorous
Inspired
In high spirits
Jovial
Able
Adequate
Assured
Authoritative
Bold
Brave
Competent
Confident
Courageous
Daring
Determined
Durable
Dynamic
Effective
Energetic
Fearless
Firm
Forceful
Gallant
Hardy
Healthy
Heroic
Joyful
Jubilant
Magnificent
Majestic
Marvelous
Overjoyed
Pleased
Pleasant
Proud
Satisfied
Serene
Splendid
(Powerfulness)
Important
Influential
Intense
Lionhearted
Mighty
Powerful
Robust
Secure
Self-confident
Self-reliant
Sharp
Superb
Terrific
Thrilled
Tremendous
Triumphant
Turned on
Vivacious
Witty
Wonderful
Skillful
Spirited
Stable
Stouthearted
Strong
Sure
Tough
Well equipped
Well put together
Unpleasant Affective States
(Depression)
Abandoned
Alien
Alienated
Alone
Annihilate
Awful
Battered
Below par
Blue
Burned
Cast off
Cheapened
Crushed
Debased
Defeated
Degraded
Dejected
Demolished
Depressed
Desolate
Despair
Despised
Despondent
Destroyed
Discarded
Discouraged
Disfavored
Dismal
Done for
Downcast
Downhearted
Downtrodden
Dreadful
Estranged
Excluded
Forlorn
Forsaken
Gloomy
Glum
Grim
Hated
Hopeless
Horrible
Humiliated
Hurt
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In the dumps
Jilted
Kaput
Left out
Loathed
Lonely
Lonesome
Lousy
Low
Miserable
Mishandled
Mistreated
Moody
Mournful
Obsolete
Ostracized
Out of sorts
Overlooked
Pathetic
Pitiful
Rebuked
Regretful
Rejected
Reprimanded
Rotten
Ruined
Run down
Sad
Stranded
Tearful
Terrible
Unhappy
Unloved
Valueless
Washed up
Whipped
Worthless
Wrecked
(Distress)
Afflicted
Anguished
At the feet of
At the mercy of
Awkward
Baffled
Bewildered
Blameworthy
Clumsy
Confused
Constrained
Disgusted
Disliked
Displeased
Dissatisfied
Distrustful
Disturbed
Doubtful
Foolish
Futile
Grief
Helpless
Hindered
Impaired
Impatient
Imprisoned
Lost
Nauseated
Offended
Pained
Perplexed
Puzzled
Ridiculous
Sickened
Silly
Skeptical
Speechless
Strained
Suspicious
Swamped
The plaything of
The puppet of
Tormented
Touchy
Ungainly
Unlucky
Unpopular
Unsatisfied
Unsure
(Fear, Anxiety)
Afraid
Agitated
Alarmed
Anxious
Apprehensive
Bashful
Desperate
Dread
Embarrassed
Fearful
Fidgety
Frightened
Hesitant
Horrified
Ill at ease
Insecure
Intimidated
Jealous
Jittery
Jumpy
Nervous
On edge
Overwhelmed
Panicky
Restless
Scared
Shaky
Shy
Strained
Tense
Terrified
Terror-stricken
Timid
Uncomfortable
Uneasy
Worrying
(Belittling, Criticism, Scorn)
Abused
Belittled
Branded
Carped at
Caviled at
Censured
Criticized
Defamed
Deflated
Deprecated
Derided
Diminished
Discredited
Disdained
Disgraced
Disparaged
Humiliated
Ignored
Jeered
Lampooned
Laughed at
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Libeled
Made light of
Maligned
Minimized
Mocked
Neglected
Overlooked
Poked fun at
Pooh-poohed
Scorned
Put down
Ridiculed
Roasted
Scoffed at
Shamed
Slammed
Slandered
Slighted
Underestimated
Underrated
Thought nothing
of
Not taken
seriously
Pulled to pieces
(Powerlessness)
Anemic
Broken
Broken down
Chicken-hearted
Cowardly
Crippled
Debilitated
Defective
Deficient
Demoralized
Disabled
Exhausted
Exposed
Feeble
Flimsy
Fragile
Frail
Harmless
Helpless
Impotent
Inadequate
Incapable
Incompetent
Indefensible
Ineffective
Inefficient
Lame
Maimed
Meek
Nerveless
Paralyzed
Powerless
Puny
Shaken
Shaky
Sickly
Small
Strength
Trivial
Unable
Unarmed
Uncertain
Unfit
Unimportant
Unqualified
Unsound
Unsubstantiated
Useless
Vulnerable
Weak
Weak-hearted
(Anger, Humility, Cruelty)
Agitated
Aggravated
Aggressive
Angry
Annoyed
Antagonistic
Arrogant
Austere
Bad-tempered
Belligerent
Bigoted
Biting
Bloodthirsty
Blunt
Bullying
Callous
Cold-blooded
Combative
Cantankerous
Contrary
Cool
Corrosive
Cranky
Critical
Cross
Cruel
Deadly
Dictatorial
Disagreeable
Discontented
Dogmatic
Enraged
Envious
Fierce
Furious
Gruesome
Hard
Hard-hearted
Harsh
Hateful
Heartless
Hellish
Hideous
Hostile
Hypercritical
Ill-tempered
Impatient
Inconsiderate
Inhumane
Insensitive
Intolerable
Intolerant
Irritated
Mad
Malicious
Mean
Murderous
Nasty
Obstinate
Opposed
Oppressive
Outraged
Perturbed
Poisonous
Prejudiced
Pushy
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Rebellious
Reckless
Resentful
Revengeful
Rough
Rude
Ruthless
Sadistic
Savage
Severe
Spiteful
Stern
Stormy
Unfeeling
Unfriendly
Unmerciful
Unruly
Vicious
Vindictive
Violent
Wrathful
From: George M. Gazada, Human Relations Development, 1973, Appendix E
Communication Leads
To understand others’ feelings and experiences, we need to attempt to enter the personal frame of
reference through which they interact with the world. Since it is impossible for us to be another
individual, the best we can do is to arrive at a reasonable understanding of them. With this in
mind, we should strive to be open-minded and nonjudgmental, and remember that at best we will
have a limited understanding of the unique individual with whom we are interacting. To reach
an empathic understanding of another person we should try to view the world as if we were that
person, without ever losing the “as if” quality.
Phrases to use when you trust your perceptions are accurate, and the individual is receptive to
your communications:
"You feel..."
"It seems to you..."
"From where you stand..."
"You think..."
"What I hear you saying is..."
"I sense that..."
"You figure..."
"You're (identify the feeling)"
"From your point of view..."
"In your experience..."
"As you see it..."
"You believe..."
"I'm picking up that you..."
"Where you’re coming from..."
"You mean...."
Phrases to use when you are having difficulty perceiving clearly or the individual does not
seem receptive to your communications:
"Could it be that..."
"This may be a long shot, but..."
"Correct me if I'm wrong, but..."
"Does it sound reasonable that..."
"...Is that the way it is?"
"...Is that what you mean?"
"Is there any chance that you..."
"Maybe you feel..."
"It appears you..."
"I'm not sure if I'm with you, do you
mean..."
"I'm not sure I understand, you're
feeling..."
"This is what I think I hear you
saying..."
“Let me see if I'm with you, you...."
"Let me see if I understand you,
you..."
"I wonder if..."
"Is it possible that..."
"It seems that you..."
"As I hear it, you..."
"...Is that the way you feel?
"You appear to be feeling..."
"I get the impression that..."
"I guess that you're..."
"Perhaps you're feeling..."
“From what you’ve said so far...”
"What I guess I am hearing is..."
Preparation for Being the “Issue Giver” in Triads
A search for themes
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As a trainee, you are going to be asked to act as a helper, a client, and an observer in practice
sessions. When you play the role of client, or issue giver, what should you talk about? In
EARS, we almost always discuss our own real problems. We hope you will
use the training process to look at real problems and issues in your own life, especially those
problems or characteristics of interpersonal style that might interfere with your effectiveness as a
helper. For instance, if you are often impatient -- if you often place unreasonable demands on
others-- you will need to examine and consider changing this behavior if you want to become an
effective helper. If you deal with your own problems during the training program, you will get a
feeling for what it means to be a helpee in a way that is impossible through mere role-playing.
We're sure that most of us would prefer to go to a helper who has learned in an experiential way
what goes on inside a person who is seeking help.
This exercise is meant to help you review possible topics to use during practice sessions. Careful
self-reflection in doing this exercise will give you a list of issues that are neither too superficial
nor too intimate for the training group. Without preparation, you can find yourself talking about
things that are not really problematic (or problems that have long been solved) or talking about
things you had no intention of revealing. As you build rapport with the other trainees and learn
to trust one another more deeply (and trust one another’s developing skills), you can move from
dealing with simpler personal problems to dealing with more substantive issues. This exercise
should also help you choose problem areas that are capable of some extended development, so
that you can avoid having to find a new problem every time you are the issue giver.
Below is a limited sample of the kinds of problems or characteristics of interpersonal style that
might serve as the context of practice sessions.
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I often feel shy. My shyness takes the form of being afraid to meet strangers and of being
afraid to reveal myself to others.
I’d like to be more assertive. Others can run roughshod over me and I just “take it.”
I get angry very easily and let my anger spill out on others in irresponsible ways. I think
my anger is often linked to my not getting my own way.
I have trouble getting motivated. I find it especially difficult to expend the kind of energy
necessary to get involved with others.
I’m fearful of people if I get the feeling that they want some kind of intimacy with me. I
get nervous and tongue-tied.
I find it hard to sense what others are feeling. I’m like the bull-in-the-china-shop.
I’m overly controlled. I don’t let my emotions show at all, if possible. Sometimes I don’t
want them to show even to myself.
I like to control others, but I like to do so in subtle ways. I want to stay in charge of
interpersonal situations at all times.
I have a need to be liked by others. I seldom do anything that might offend others,
because I have a need to be seen as "nice".
I have almost no positive feelings about myself. In general, I think of myself as inferior
and sometimes even as “no good.”
I don't often stop to examine my value system. I think I hold some conflicting values.
I’m not sure why I’m interested in helping others.
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I feel almost compelled to help others. I get nervous when I’m not engaged in helping.
People with problems are almost necessary for me.
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I’m very sensitive, easily hurt. I send out messages to others that say “Be careful of me.”
In a number of ways, I am overly dependent upon others. My self-image depends too
much on how others see me.
I am overly independent and individualistic. I always have to show others that I’m free
and an individual in my own right. I find it difficult to get along with others, especially
those in authority.
I’m overly anxious, especially in interpersonal situations. But I don’t know why I’m like
that.
I don't know what people would ever find to like about me. I’m bored with myself at
times and assume that others are bored with me.
I take too many irresponsible risks in interpersonal situations.
I’m ready to argue with almost anyone on anything. This puts people off.
I need to have people view me as the authority on things.
I have little or no investment in examining my interpersonal style in any depth. I’m
content with things the way they are.
I love material things too much; I'm heavily invested in my own personal comfort. I think
that what I want is the good life, and I fear that caring about people might be secondary.
I feel socially inept at times. I don’t do the right-- the human thing -- at the right time.
For instance, I don’t notice when others are suffering some emotion and, as a result, I
seem to be callous.
There is a degree of loneliness in my life. I don’t think others like me. I spend a great
deal of tome feeling sorry for myself.
I’m stingy with money and with time. I don’t want to share what I have.
I feel a bit “out of it,” for I believe that I’m inexperienced and somewhat naive. When
others talk about their experiences, I feel apprehensive if left out, or I find it hard to get a
feeling for what they mean. I’ve led too sheltered a life.
I’m often fearful. I find it hard to stand up for my convictions when I meet even light
opposition. It’s easy to get me to retreat.
I find it hard to face conflict when I see it between myself and someone else, or even
when others are in conflict. I get scared. I run from it. I take a peace-at-any-price
approach.
When I am confronted, even legitimately and responsibly, I tend to attack my confronter
and to respond in other defensive ways.
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This list is not exhaustive. It is meant to help stimulate your thinking about yourself in ways
related to the goals of training.
On the last page, briefly list as many of your dissatisfactions, problems, and unused
personal resources as possible. Choose the issues you wish to discuss.
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X
Mark an X through the numbers of the issues you think are too intimate to discuss, issues
that are not appropriate for the training group (or for this stage), or issues you simply don’t want
to discuss.
( )
Place parentheses around the number of the issues that you think you might be willing to
discuss in the practice sessions.
H
Place an H in front of the numbers of the issues you think might affect your functioning
as a helper.
T
Place a T in front of the numbers of those issues you believe are capable of some
thematic development -- that is, problem areas or areas of concern that might be explored at
some length.
Obviously, as the training program moves forward, you might want to add other issues or
change your mind regarding the issues you do or do not want to talk about. The purpose of this
exercise is to help you discover some substantive areas that you feel relatively comfortable
discussing.
An example; a trainee’s list could look something like this:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10.
11.
12.
I'm confused about my spiritual beliefs.
I’ve refrained from confronting or exploring my prejudices.
I’m sexually inexperienced -- it gets in the way of forming intimate relationships.
I’m afraid to speak up in a group.
I’m worry about the way my body looks all the time.
I am afraid to initiate relationships with people.
I think I should get involved in social-change movements, but I don’t do much
about it.
I make too many demands on my roommate.
I'm in a major that I'm good at, and will probably lead to a career that makes
money,
but I'm beginning to realize I don't like it.
I get shy and uncomfortable in situations in which I feel threatened by those
more intelligent and articulate than I.
I’ve had a falling-out with my father.
I often find myself bored with people and things.
Some of this trainee’s judgments might change over the course of the training period. For
instance, as trust develops within the training group, s/he may feel that s/he could appropriately
include more intimate issues. However, the trainee should be in command of their own selfdisclosure and should not be pressured by others. Each trainee’s list should provide them with
some “T-H-( )” areas with which to start with relative comfort.
Adapted by EARS from: Egan, Gerard. Exercises in Helping Skills: A Training Manual to
Accompany The Skilled Helper. Brooks/Cole Publishing Company, Monterey, California, 1975.
17
Possible issues to work on:
1)
2)
3)
4)
5)
6)
7)
8)
9)
10)
18
The Observer’s Role in Triads: Feedback Format
Before/During the Session
1. Clarify when the session will be ending and how much time will be allowed for it.
2. Find out how much of a warning the counselor wants before the end of the session.
3. During the session, take detailed notes of what the counselor is saying, and enough on
what the issue giver is saying to supply context.
4. Give a warning, and then end the session, leaving enough time to do feedback.
Feedback Questions to ask the Issue Giver and Counselor
Ask the issue giver and counselor both:
1. How are you feeling now?
2. (Ask counselor first, then ask issue giver to reword:) What did you think the
immediate/most pressing issue was, and were there any underlying issues?
3. What did you find helpful or what worked well in the session?
4. What did you find less helpful or what might have been done differently?
NOTE: Encourage examples that are SPECIFIC and CONCRETE
Feedback Format for Observer
1. Three things the counselor did well. Give examples.
2. Three things the counselor did that could be improved OR important things the issue
giver said that the counselor did not mention. Check these examples with the issue giver
to demonstrate how they may have been effective or to check if the things you were
wondering about were important.
3. Ask if issue giver or counselor have anything to add or ask.
Give a quick review of the counselor’s strengths.
19
Observation
Attitudes
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
Understanding
Genuineness, honesty and awareness of own feelings
Non-judgmentalness
Unconditional positive regard
Empathy, perception of content and feelings
Respect, communication of faith in the individual to deal with their problem.
Attending Behaviors
1. Eye contact
2. Body posture
3. Tone of voice, interested & respectful
4. Use of minimal encouragers
Verbal Communication Skills
1. Reflections
A. Content
B. Affect, feeling
C. Meaning
D. Additive affect, underlying feelings
2. Probes
A. Requests for clarification
B. Open-ended questions
C. Use of accent
D. Tone of voice
3. Summarization
4. Focusing
A. Immediacy
B. Concreteness
C. Confrontation
5. Validation
6. Information Giving
7. Problem Solving
8. Referral
9. Closure
10. Integration of All Skills
20
Feedback Model
This is a feedback model for “real life” as well as a guide for giving feedback in a counselor
training session.
1)
Acknowledge the other’s point of view, effort.
Real Life Example: A friend of mine once told someone something I had confidentially shared
with her, in an effort to “help” me. My feedback could start: “I realize you told X some things,
and that you were trying to help me out.”
2)
Describe the behavior and its effect.
“When you _________ I feel _________ because _______.”
“When you said___________ the issue giver reacted _________.”
Or “When you said _________ the response or effect was __________.”
Real Life Example: “When you told X those things, I felt betrayed because I had told you in
confidence.”
Counseling Example: “When you said advanced empathy statement X, the issue giver seemed to
open up and tell a deeper level of their story.”
Or: “When you asked the question ‘why?’ the problem giver seemed to move away from
feelings, and into defending their actions, which led the session away from deeper issues.”
3)
Make a suggestion for change, phrased in the positive.
In other words, tell them what they can do. Better yet, before you make the suggestion, see if
they have one first.
Real Life Example: “…so next time you think it would be helpful to say something private about
me to somebody, how about if you asked my permission first.”
Counseling Example: “What do you think you could say next time instead of “Are you angry?”
to get the most helpful response?”
Or, “Next time you could say ________ or _________ to help the person go deeper.”
4) If the problem persists: state the consequence, or plan of action (what you will do) if the
behavior does not change. Again, it works best if the other person is engaged in developing the
plan of action.
Real Life Example: “Since you tell someone something confidential about me again, I won’t be
confiding in you anymore.”
21
Counseling Example: “It seems difficult for you to ask open-ended questions or make empathy
statements, rather than ask close-ended questions. What can we do to change that? How can I
help?”
Another way to show consequences is to explain the effect the behavior will have on the
counseling session if it persists, such as the session will seem to go around in circles, rather than
go deeper.
5) After each step, check out the person’s reaction. Listen to their point of view.
“How do you feel about all this?”
“What’s going on for you right now?”
“How does this fit in with other feedback you’ve gotten?”
“Does this make sense?”
22
In Planning Feedback Consider:









How can you describe the behavior clearly and specifically, without labeling or judging?
Is this behavior changeable?
What is the person’s point of view?
 How does s/he feel when doing this behavior?
 What is s/he trying to achieve with this behavior?
 (Assume good intentions; most people are trying to get their needs met in the best
way they know how.)
What is the impact of the behavior on you and/or others?
How do you feel when you encounter this behavior?
What do you think or assume when you encounter this behavior?
Does the person realize the impact of the behavior?
Is the person ready or willing to hear this?
What is the best time and place to talk about this? (Praise in public, correct in private)
A Model for Giving Feedback

Acknowledge the feelings, goals and intentions of the other person

Describe the behavior: When you ________ (do this)

Describe the impact: This is what happens__________ (impact on yourself/others)

Describe how you feel: And I feel __________ (Use a feeling word - not “I feel like you
are being a jerk….”)

Tell how you interpret the behavior: And I think/ assume____________________

Pause: Give the person a chance to react, tell their point of view, and perhaps offer to
correct the behavior.

Listen first without arguing: Reflect back what you heard the person say. (Make sure you
understand their perspective and feelings.): “So, the way you’re looking at it is… and you
feel…”

Reiterate the impact and your feelings and you may want to….

Make a request. “The next time this happens I’d like to ask you to…”
Keep working on it till you have an agreement. Check that you both understand it the same
way.
23
Probes
A tool for exploring, focusing, and identifying the problem (challenge)
In our daily conversation we use probes all the time. Probes enable us to gather
information for ourselves: "Where is the bathroom?" or "Tell me more about that." As
counselors we use probes for an additional purpose. Probes are used to help the individual
explore the broad range of issues surrounding the immediate concern which makes it possible
to put the concern in perspective. Probes are also used to focus on one particular issue so that
the individual can look at it in detail. The details that are important to explore are the feelings,
thoughts, actions, and "cause and effect" relationships as well as how all these details interact
with each other.
You can think of using probes as you would think of using a camera. You can use a wide
angle lens to help the individual get a sense of the whole picture and all of the factors affecting
their life. Then you can narrowly focus on the immediate concern or challenge and look at the
minute details that are often overlooked.
When someone feels "stuck" or "helpless" it may be because they cannot see the entire
picture. They may be blind to the parts of the picture that hurt or carry a heavy emotional
charge. Or, conversely, they may only be looking at the parts that hurt, to the exclusion of
everything else. As objective counselors, we are capable of assisting a person to see aspects of
their experience in a new way; as non-judgmental probers we enable them to be safe enough to
look at things they couldn't see before. The new information will make it possible for them to
come up with new alternatives for behavior.
Returning to the camera analogy, we can see that the purpose of using a camera is to
produce a picture. We move the camera around, we focus it, and then, when we have what we
are looking for, we snap the picture. As a counselor, the picture we are looking for is the
individual's best statement of the problem (or challenge) that they are facing and the goal or
objective that they wish to reach. The purpose of reflections and probes is to enable the
individual to sort through the confusion and emotions and identify the challenge (or problem)
and the goal.
The individual is the only one who really knows what the challenge is and what goal they
want to reach; therefore the counselor must not direct the content of the session. When using
questions we can be non-directive by asking open-ended questions. Open-ended questions
require more than a yes or no answer and leave the individual open to explore many aspects of
the issue; for example, "What was it like for you to speak to your parents about this?" In
contrast, close-ended questions can be answered in only a few words; for example, "Was it hard
for you to speak to your parents about this?" Close-ended questions can lead the individual to
talk about things that aren't relevant, and direct the session according to the counselor's limited
perspective.
A counselor is therefore both active and non-directive. Counselors are active in the
process of the session: we use empathy and probes, focus wide and narrow, thereby enabling the
individual to explore hidden information so that they can come to a clear statement of the
24
problem and the goal they want to reach. A counselor is active by virtue of attitudes. No
matter how helpless an individual is feeling, a counselor respects the individual’s capability to
meet his or her own challenge. No matter how negative an individual's actions might seem, a
counselor strives to be non-judgmental and to retain the ability to regard the person positively.
A counselor is non-directive in relation to the content of the session. The individual
determines the material to talk about and the concerns that they have. The individual identifies
the problem and the goals. The counselor must trust the individual to express the issues that are
most important. A counselor is non-directive in the outcome: no advice, no leading questions or
other probes, and no thought of believing we know what's best for the individual.
Probes are used to explore, clarify, and promote concreteness. Probes are not used to
satisfy the counselor's curiosity!
Types of probes are:
1.
Requests for clarification - statements which help an individual become more specific
("I'm not sure what you mean by...", "Tell me more...")
2.
Questions
A.
Open - questions which allow the individual to explain or explore (who, what,
where, when, and how).
B.
Closed - questions answered in one word, such as "yes" or "no", should be
avoided because they lead the discussion.
3.
Accent - A "mini empathy statement" which emphasizes, using appropriate tone of voice,
a word or phrase which seems key to an individual’s concern. (“Sad?” Scared?”)
Concreteness
It is essential that a counseling session be concrete. A vaguely explored problem
(challenge) will lead to a vague, ineffectual resolution. A counseling session is concrete when
both the counselor and the individual place primary importance on specifics - specific feelings,
specific thoughts, and specific behaviors. All counseling skills can be used to promote
concreteness.
Concise empathy statements provide a vehicle for the individual to discuss emotions
specifically. Discussing emotions in a specific manner will move the session along at a much
faster pace because emotional conflicts will surface rather than hide behind vague emotional
descriptions. This may seem frightening to you as a counselor, but unless conflicts are looked at,
the session may not be productive for the individual.
Probing is also a tool for achieving concreteness in a counseling session. Given that the
focus of the EARS method is on self-exploration, probes for "what", "how," and feelings are
generally more effective tools than probes for "why" aspects of a problem (challenge). Probing
for "why" often meets with a defensive reaction which can block the open atmosphere necessary
25
for exploration, and therefore should be avoided. One of the most useful probes for promoting
concreteness in a session is the simple open-ended question, "Could you give me an example of
that?"
26
Open Ended Probes:
Questions for Various Goals
This handout of phrases and questions was prepared to help with that "What do I say now?"
feeling we all experience from time to time.
1. Alternatives
a. What are the possibilities?
b. If you could do anything you wanted, what would you do?
c. What are the possible solutions?
d. What if you do and what if you don't?
2. Appraisal
a. How do you feel about it?
b. How does it look to you?
c. What do you make of it all?
d. What do you think is best?
3. Background
a. What led up to...?
b. What have you tried so far?
c. Can you remember how it happened?
d. What do you make of it all?
4. Clarification
a. What if this doesn't make sense to you?
b. What seems to confuse you?
c. Can you explain what you mean by...?
d. What do you make of it all?
5. Description
a. What was it like?
b. Tell me about it.
c. What happened?
d. Can you describe it in your own words?
6. Identification Problems
a. What seems to be the trouble?
b. What seems to be the main obstacle?
c. What worries you the most about...?
d. What do you consider the most troublesome part?
7. Implementation
a. What will you have to do to accomplish it?
27
b. How will you take the task?
c. What will it take to qualify?
d. To get this done, what will you need to do?
8. Information
a. What information do you need before you decide?
b. What do you know about it now?
c. How do you suppose you can find out more about it?
d. What kind of picture do you have right now?
9. Integration
a. How do you explain this to yourself?
b. What do you think is best?
c. How do you relate this to your other ideas?
d. How would you pull this all together?
10. Evaluation
a. In what way?
b. Is this good or bad or both?
c. According to your standards, how does it look?
d. How would you evaluate all of this?
11. Exploration
a. Let's explore that some more.
b. Are there any other angles you can think of?
c. What were your reactions to these things?
d. How about going into that a little deeper?
12. Example
a. Can you give an example?
b. For instance?
c. Like what?
d. Will you give me an illustration?
13. Extension
a. Can you tell me more about it?
b. Anything else?
c. Is there anything more you would like to discuss?
d. What other ideas do you have about it?
14. Preparation for Failure
a. What if it doesn't work out the way you wish?
b. What if that doesn't work?
c. And if that fails, what will you do?
d. How about some alternate plans in case you don't make it?
28
15. Involvement
a. What part did you play in this?
b. How does this affect you?
c. How do you fit into this picture?
16. New Start
a. If you had a free choice, what would you do?
b. If the same thing came up again, what would you do?
c. If you had to do it over again, what would you do?
d. How do you wish you had acted?
17. Opening
a. What would you like to talk about today?
b. What's on your mind?
c. Where would you like to start?
d. What have you been thinking about since we last met?
18. Taking Action
a. What are you going to do about it?
b. Where do you go from here?
c. What are your next steps?
d. How do you plan to start?
19. Perspective
a. What are you ultimate objectives?
b. What would you like to be doing five years from now?
c. Where will this lead?
d. How does this relate to your other problems & successes?
20. Planning
a. How do you suppose you could improve the situation?
b. What do you plan to do about it?
c. What could you do in a case like this?
d. What plans will you need to make?
21. Predictions and Outcomes
a. How do you suppose it will all work out?
b. Where will this lead?
c. What if you do--or what if you don't?
d. What are the chances of success?
22. Reasons
a. What was going on when you made the decision?
b. How do you account for this?
c. What reasons have you come up with?
29
d. What is the logical solution to this?
23. Use Silence
a. Allow individual time to reflect
24. Relation
a. How does this fit in with your plans?
b. How does this affect your work?
c. How does this stack up with you picture of yourself?
d. How much relation is there between the two plans?
25. Summary
a. How would you summarize our talk?
b. How would you describe our discussion to someone else?
c. Can you review this for me?
d. What do you think this all amounts to?
30
Integrating Stage I
Some of the errors which you just brainstormed are demonstrated in this exercise. You are asked
to sift out effective from ineffective responses.
1.
First, if the response seems helpful to you, that is, if it is a good empathy statement or
some kind of reasonable probe, give it a plus sign (+); however, if it seems to be an
inadequate or poor response, give it a minus sign (-).
2.
Next, indicate the reason(s) why it seems either effective or ineffective to you (use the list
of mistakes brainstormed earlier to help you). Make your reasons as specific as possible.
3.
If you can come up with a better response go ahead and write it.
Consider the following example and then proceed to the exercise itself.
Example
Boy, 15, to school counselor: "Mr. Jones (his math teacher) has it in for me. We haven't gotten
along from the start. I don't do anything different from the other guys, but when there's a
blowup, I'm the first one he blames. I wish he'd get off my back."
Rating
a. (-) "You ought to cool it in his class. Why get thrown out for something so stupid?"
Reason: advice giving
b. (+) "You feel he's being unfair to you -- and that's lousy."
Reason: reflection of content
c. (-) "Jeff, you've been in trouble before. Are you really giving it to me straight?"
Reason: judgmental, suspicious response
d. (-) "Okay, Jeff. We can straighten this whole thing out if we all just stay calm. By
the way, how's the family?"
Reason: placating, patronizing, distracts from problem, nonhelpful warmth
e. (+) "You're fed up with the way you see him picking on you. Could you give me a
recent example so we could see just what happens?"
Reason: reflection of feeling plus a reasonable probe
31
1.
EXERCISES
Hospital patient, 21, to a friend: "They've been running these tests on me for three days
now. I don't know what's going on. They don't tell me what they're for or what they find,
good or bad. The doctor comes in for a moment every now and then, but he doesn't really
tell me anything, either. And I still feel so weak and listless."
a. ( ) "Norm, you know these things take time. I'm sure what's happening to you is
standard procedure."
Reason _________________________________________________________
b. ( ) "Is this the first time you've had to go through all of this?"
Reason _________________________________________________________
c. ( ) "Have your nurse call the doctor and just ask him what's going on. Put a little
pressure on him."
Reason _________________________________________________________
d. ( ) "Well, now, perhaps a little more patience would help everyone, including you."
Reason _________________________________________________________
e. ( ) "It must be really frustrating being kept in the dark like this."
Reason _________________________________________________________
2. Woman, 22, talking to an EARS counselor about job interviews: "I wince every time people
ask me about my education. As soon as I say 'high school,' I see the lights go out in too
many eyes. I feel that I'm as educated as any college grad. I read quite a bit. I deal with
people well. I think I've got most of what you're supposed to get from college, except the
degree."
a. ( ) "Sure, I see. Well, what do you think you can do?"
Reason _________________________________________________________
b. ( ) "You feel good about yourself because you've gotten a good education by doing it
yourself."
Reason _________________________________________________________
c. ( ) "Let's come up with a plan of what to say when they ask you about your
education."
32
Reason _________________________________________________________
d. ( ) "You resent being categorized when they ask you about your education."
Reason _________________________________________________________
e. ( ) "You feel proud of being self-educated. It's something you don't have to apologize
for. But it seems that you're saying that potential employers are going to keep
asking you about your formal education."
Reason _________________________________________________________
3.
Man, 32, talking to a counselor about a possible divorce: "I just can't divorce her. My
parents would flip. They don't really like her, but they believe that marriage is forever. My
mother is almost a fanatic about religion. I don't go to church much anymore, myself, but
my parents aren't aware of that."
a. ( ) "Maybe it's time to cut the apron strings. Your mother doesn't have to live with
your wife. You do."
Reason _________________________________________________________
b. ( ) "You're pretty nervous about the way your parents are going to react. Could you
talk a bit more how their reaction might be influencing your decision?"
Reason _________________________________________________________
c. ( ) "You feel caught. You don't think your parents could handle it if you were to get a
divorce."
Reason _________________________________________________________
d. ( ) "I got a divorce. My parents didn't like it, but they finally learned how to live with
it."
Reason _________________________________________________________
e. ( ) "I'm not sure whether your wife is also religious."
Reason _________________________________________________________
4. Woman, 19, who has recently had an abortion talking to a counselor about the impact it has
had on her: "I think of the thousands and thousands of women like myself, but right now
numbers don't mean a thing. All I have is my reaction and theirs don't count. I wander around
the apartment. I can't get myself to do things. Things between me and Tom (her boyfriend) are
subdued. It's like a conspiracy, we don't talk about it, but it fills our relationship. I don't know
whether I'm numb or what."
33
a. ( ) "What have you done to try to get back into your normal routine?"
Reason _________________________________________________________
b. ( ) "You're feeling pretty depressed. That's natural. This is completely different from
anything that you've ever done before. So you're going to be feeling some
emotions and thinking some thoughts that are new for you."
Reason _________________________________________________________
c. ( ) "You sound like you're perhaps still somewhat in shock and fairly unsettled. It's
not proving easy to come to grips with the abortion."
Reason _________________________________________________________
d. ( ) "You haven't been able to make peace with yourself. You and Tom haven’t been
talking to each other about what it means. This conspiracy of silence seems to be
eating you up."
Reason _________________________________________________________
e. ( ) "I've come to know you well. You're a strong woman with strong convictions.
You wage war, even with yourself, before you make peace. This is the pattern.
This is you. It's almost as if your strengths sometimes get the better of you."
Reason _________________________________________________________
Egan, Gerard, Exercises in Helping Skills. Brooks/Cole Publishing Company: California, 982,
pp. 63-66.
34
Advanced Empathy
The empathy which you have learned to use up to this point is primarily concise,
organized reflections of what an individual has said or implied. Advanced empathy is a type of
reflection that goes one step deeper. It relies on your ability as a counselor to sense deeper
meaning in what an individual has said, verbally and nonverbally, and to "read between the
lines.” With advanced empathy you reflect to the individual, using the same format as an
empathy statement (remember to be concrete!), a hunch which you have about what is happening
for the individual. When you use advanced empathy as a counselor, you are trying to bring new
insight/understanding to the individual. You are sharing with the individual something which
you see that s/he may not.
Advanced empathy is a more advanced skill than empathy. You are relying on what you
perceive is happening under the surface of what is being said. There is a risk involved here.
What you perceive may be incorrect. Therefore, it is important that you minimize this risk. You
can minimize your chance of error by firmly basing your advanced empathy statement on a
hunch which is supported by evidence with the session. Evidence can include your own past
experience and intuition as long as they are supported by the individual's thoughts, feelings, and
behaviors. Don't be irresponsible and share a hunch without any support from within the session.
So you try an advanced empathy statement based upon evidence found within the session
and the individual says, "No, I don't think so." Did you do something bad or harmful?! Probably
not. Experience has shown that an incorrect advanced empathy statement can be helpful. Before
an individual can say "no," s/he must consider the possibility and may consider other
possibilities, thus moving into a deeper level of understanding. Thus, even an incorrect
advanced empathy statement may open doors. So, go ahead, take the risk--just make sure that it
is minimized by basing it on evidence. If you, as a counselor, are afraid to take a risk, then
chances are the individual will also take no risks in the session. Another way to say the same
thing--if an individual sees that you are willing to take a risk, s/he will be more likely to take a
risk and then open the door to the possibility of growth and change. Sessions which avoid risk
are generally unproductive. Trust yourself, your skills, and your perceptiveness!
35
Validation
Validation is actually a familiar concept. It occurs informally each time someone
expresses a sentiment and someone else responds, "Yeah, I know that feeling." In the helping
session, the counselor uses validation by offering statements that affirm the individual's feelings
and affirm his or her "right" to feel that way. Statements of validation recognize and support the
individual's feelings in a way that conveys, "It's really OK to have these feelings." Validation is
similar to an empathy statement in that it calls attention to feelings the individual may be
experiencing, but validation goes a step further than reflections. Validating statements actively
convey acceptance of whatever feelings the individual might be having.
For example, anger is an emotion which is often difficult to express, and as a result some
people minimize their anger. In a counseling session, the counselor may sense that the
individual feels angry about something, but seems to be holding back from expressing that anger.
A statement such as, "From what you've been saying, it makes perfect sense that you feel angry,"
recognizes and affirms the validity of the emotion.
Validation is an expression of the counselor's attitudes towards the individual. Validating
statements directly convey understanding, genuineness, respect, esteem, nonjudgmentalness, and
empathy, because validation comes from looking within, and accepting, the individual's own
world. Given the person's thoughts, feelings, behaviors, background, and experiences, it makes
perfect sense that he feels some particular feeling. Validation does NOT say, "I (the counselor)
believe you should feel this way," because that assumes the counselor's world is appropriate for
judging the individual's experiences. In addition, the counselor wants to avoid sounding
patronizing or overly comforting, such as, "There, there, of course you feel upset." A good
validating statement expresses implicitly the counselor's genuineness and respect: "You know,
we've been talking for a while about how difficult it has been for you to accept your father's
drinking problem. It seems very understandable that you would want to avoid going home
during breaks."
Validation is an empowering process. Part of validation involves pointing out the
person's strengths, such as when someone calls and is having a hard time talking. Pointing out
that, "I know talking about a painful topic isn't easy, but you did call now and that takes
courage," may help someone to recognize and feel good that they have already taken the first
step. Validation also begins a process of self-acceptance. Very often people are afraid of their
feelings, or resist experiencing them, thus interfering with the self-knowledge necessary for
honest self-acceptance. Sometimes people criticize themselves for their feelings, thereby
undermining self-esteem. Validation affirms that someone is not wrong for having certain
feelings, and that those feelings make sense. The person can begin to recognize his or her
feelings, come to terms with them, and then perhaps move past them. Once this process of selfacceptance is begun, the individual is freer to seek ways of altering the circumstances which
contribute to the unpleasant feelings.Lisa Blum , Tanni Hall
Jennifer Oglesby , Chris Loop, 10/87
36
Feeling Words:
Feelings that an individual
may have but may fail to identify
Abandoned
Abundant
Accepted
Adequate
Adamant
Affectionate
Agonized
Ambivalent
Angry
Annoyed
Anxious
Apathetic
Astounded
Awed
Bad
Beautiful
Betrayed
Bitter
Blissful
Bold
Bored
Bountiful
Brave
Burdened
Calm
Capable
Captivated
Challenged
Charmed
Cheated
Cheerful
Childish
Clever
Combative
Compassion
Competitive
Condemned
Confused
Conspicuous
Contended
Contrite
Cruel
Crushed
Culpable
Deceitful
Defeated
Delighted
Demanding
Desirous
Despair
Destructive
Determined
Different
Diffident
Diminished
Disconnected
Distracted
Disturbed
Divided
Dominated
Dubious
Flustered
Foolish
Frantic
Frustrated
Frightened
Free
Full
Jittery
Jovial
Joyous
Jumpy
Glad
Good
Gratified
Great
Greedy
Grieved
Guilty
Gullible
Laconic
Lazy
Lecherous
Left out
Licentious
Lonely
Longing
Love
Loving
Low
Happy
Hateful
Heavenly
Helpful
Helpless
High
Homesick
Honored
Horrible
Hunted
Hurt
Hysterical
Eager
Ecstatic
Electrified
Empty
Enchanted
Energetic
Enervated
Enjoy
Envious
Excited
Evil
Exasperated
Excluded
Exhausted
Ignored
Ignorant
Immortal
Imposed upon
Infatuated
Infuriated
Insecure
Inspired
Intimidated
Fascinated
Fawning
Fearful
Jealous
37
Kicked out
Kind
Mad
Manipulative
Mean
Melancholy
Miserable
Moody
Mystical
Needy
Nervous
Nice
Obnoxious
Obsessed
Odd
Ostracized
Opposed
Outraged
Overwhelmed
Pain
Panicked
Parsimonious
Peaceful
Persecuted
Petrified
Pity
Pleasant
Pleased
Precarious
Pressured
Pretty
Prim
Powerful
Proud
Pushy
Quarrelsome
Rage
Rapture
Refreshed
Rejected
Relaxed
Relieved
Remorseful
Restless
Reverent
Rewarded
Righteous
Stingy
Strong
Stuffed
Stupid
Stumped
Stupefied
Suffering
Sure
Sympathetic
Sad
Sated
Satisfied
Scared
Screwed up
Sensuous
Servile
Settled
Sexy
Shocked
Silly
Skeptical
Sneaky
Solemn
Sorrowful
Spiteful
Startled
Talkative
Tempted
Tenacious
Tenuous
Tense
Tentative
Terrible
Terrified
Threatened
Tired
Thwarted
Trapped
Troubled
38
Ugly
Uneasy
Unimportant
Unloved
Unsettled
Violent
Vehement
Vital
Vitality
Vulnerable
Vivacious
Wicked
Wonderful
Weepy
Worried
Worry
Zany
Immediacy
Immediacy in a helping session is focusing on the "here and now"--the immediate
present. Using immediacy can take two forms. In the first, you as the counselor encourage the
individual to concentrate on their feelings in the present, and not so much on how they felt in
the situation they are describing. You may ask, "How are you feeling right now about this
problem?" This does not mean that discussions of the past are not helpful, only that situations
and feelings from the past need to be related to the present. Immediacy helps the individual
realize how the problem is affecting them in the present.
The second expression of immediacy is a focus on what is going on between the
individual and the counselor in the "here and now" of the counseling session. Immediacy is
using your awareness of your own reactions and feelings in the session as an additional source
of information for reflecting to the individual. You strive to be aware of the interactions taking
place between yourself and the individual, and use these observations to provide the individual
with other reflections of how s/he is relating and acting in the present.
Being immediate in this sense is not an easy task. It demands an ability to be at the same
time directly involved in the give-and-take of the helping relationship while also standing back
to observe and process what is happening. It is as if you are both actor in and director of a play
simultaneously.
Immediacy is called for when you see that either the problem giver or you have
unverbalized thoughts and feelings that need to be shared about what is taking place in the
session. Sometimes you will need to express your own feelings when you have a very strong
reaction to what the individual is saying: it may be that you have beliefs which strongly oppose
the individual's, such as beliefs about abortion, for example. You may have a strong bias, and
not be able to nonjudgmentally counsel the individual. Then you need to express these feelings
in a constructive way: "As you're talking, I realize that this is a difficult subject for me
personally and my feelings are getting in the way of my being helpful to you now. Let's find
someone else you can talk to who will be helpful." You may need to make a similar statement
if you feel offended by what the individual is saying, or if you are worn out and tired from a
long session. Sometimes the discussion hits too close to home (we call this "pushing the
counselor's buttons"), and you find it hard to remain in control of your own emotions. You
have the right and the responsibility to be honest about your feelings in the counseling session,
especially when your feelings have an impact on the helping process. This type of immediacy
is one of the most direct expressions of genuineness.
Immediacy is also called for when the counselor has a strong feeling about the
individual's behavior or expressions in the counseling session that would be helpful to share.
Statements of immediacy give the individual valuable information and insight into that person's
relationship with others. For example, the counselor points out the person's behavior within the
session: "You know, I've noticed something here. You've been telling me how you feel you're
unable to open up to people you know, but I've noticed right here you've opened up to me quite
a bit. What do you make of that?" (In this example, one can see how immediacy can often be a
form of validation.) In general, when you as a counselor feel something you believe would be
helpful to express, you can:
39
(1) let the person know how you are affected by what is happening right now in the
counseling session;
(2) describe the individual's behavior; and
(3) invite the person to share reactions to what you have just said. After this, you may
discuss your own hunches about what is happening for the individual. (In the
example above such a hunch might be, "Perhaps it's easier for you to open up to me
because you trust somehow that I won't judge you"). Expressing the hunch would
depend on how ready the individual is to hear the information, and how useful it
would be at that time. A hunch of this sort is like an advanced empathy statement,
and needs to be handled with the same consideration for the person's receptiveness.
Sometimes immediacy takes on the flavor of a confrontation. For example, an individual
may be discussing a problem, and each time they get close to a feeling, they make a joke that
causes both counselor and individual to laugh. You may reflect this: "The things you're saying
are very funny and are really making me laugh, but I also notice that each time you seem to
want to express a feeling, you make a joke. I wonder what’s happening?" The hunch you may
have is that the individual is avoiding feelings, but it may not be necessary for you to say it;
perhaps the client will come up with it on their own. The immediacy statement thus opens up a
new area for discussion and can perhaps shed some light on how the individual is feeling and
behaving. In sum, then, one can view the skill of immediacy as a combination of empathy,
advanced empathy, validation and/or confrontation, but these skills are extended to focus on the
"here and now" of the helping session, as well as the "here and now" of the client's outside
experiences.
From Gerard Egan, The Skilled Helper, 1975.
Tanni Hall, Lisa Blum, Jennifer Oglesby, Chris Loop
40
Empathy Exercise
Exercise in Using Empathy and
Advanced Empathy to Focus a Session
In this exercise, assume that the counselor and the individual have established a good
working relationship. Imaging that the individual is speaking directly to you, the counselor.
First respond with an empathy statement which is a concrete reflection of feeling. Then
formulate a hunch as to what the underlying issue(s) might be. Be sure to base this hunch firmly
on the individual's thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. Then respond with an advanced empathy
statement which will help you and the individual get to the underlying issue. Really think about
whether the advanced empathy statement you write will help focus the session towards the
underlying issue(s).
Exercise 1
Context: A woman is sharing with you that she has been struggling lately with her sexual
orientation. She thinks that maybe she is a lesbian. The two of you have spent some time
talking about her feelings about being a lesbian and what identification as a lesbian would mean
in her life.
Individual: "I hear so many different things from people I care about. I have a few friends who
are lesbian or bisexual. I've talked to some of them and they are really supportive... so are some
of my straight friends. However, my parents believe that homosexuality is unnatural... and they
are very vocal about their dislike of lesbian, gay, or bisexual people. Then, I hear all kinds of
mean and hurtful comments from other people that I hang out with. I wonder what all of these
people would think if I told them that I was a lesbian? Would some like me or not like me
dependent on whether or not I identify myself as a lesbian? I don't want to lose any of my
friends... but are they really my friends if they would no longer like me solely because I am a
lesbian?"
a. Empathy Statement:
b. Hunch:
c. Advanced Empathy Statement:
Exercise 2
Context: A woman is talking with you about the quality of her social life. She has a close
friend whom she counts on a great deal. She is exploring the ups and downs of this relationship.
During the session she comes across a bit loud and aggressive.
41
Individual: "Ruth and I are on again off again with each other lately. When we're on, it's great.
We have lunch together, go shopping, all that kind of stuff. But sometimes she seems to click
off. You know, she tries to avoid me. But that is not easy to do. I keep after her. She's been
pretty elusive for about three weeks now. I don't know why she runs away like this. I know that
we have our differences. She is quiet, I am the loud type. But our differences don't ordinarily
seem to get in the way."
a. Empathy Statement:
b. Hunch:
c. Advanced Empathy Statement:
Exercise 3
Context: A first year engineering graduate student has been exploring, with you, his
disappointment with himself and his academic performance. He has explored such issues as his
dislike for the school and some of the professors in his department.
Individual: "I just don't have much enthusiasm. My grades are okay - maybe a little below par.
I know that I could do better if I wanted to. I don't understand why my disappointment with the
school and some of the faculty is interfering with my studies so much. This isn't like me... ever
since I can remember I have wanted to be an engineer. I should be happy that here I am... finally
becoming what I have always dreamed of… but I’m not happy.”
a. Empathy Statement:
b. Hunch:
c. Advanced Empathy Statement:
Exercise 4
Context: A man, 18, is talking with you about some of the difficulties he is experiences this, his
first, semester at Cornell. He is particularly pained over the fact that he comes from a working
class background while most of his friends come from upper-middle class backgrounds. This
difference between them has caused some problems for him.
Individual: "My friends never have to worry about money so they always do things which are
expensive when we go out. Well, I have to count every penny... my family and I are working
really hard to put me through school. So sometimes I can't go out with them because I don't have
42
the money. I know that they know that I don't have a lot of money. Why can't we do some fun,
cheap things sometimes? I feel left out. I wonder if they care? And sometimes they make jokes
about people who have the same types of jobs that my parents do... about how dumb and boring
these people must be. I know that they are only joking around but..."
a. Empathy Statement:
b. Hunch:
c. Advanced Empathy Statement:
4
Adapted from Egan, Gerard, Exercises in Helping Skills. Second edition, California:
Brooks/Cole Publishing, 1982 p. 82.
43
Suggestions for Counseling
Gay/Lesbian/Bisexual Individuals
These suggestion are meant to serve as guidelines for counseling and assisting and individual
who is gay/lesbian/bisexual or struggling with his/her sexual orientation. Individuals who are
gay/lesbian/bisexual are assisted most by counselor sensitivity and awareness. Hopefully these
suggestions will increase counselor knowledge and encourage continued learning.
In General:
* Many people who are gay/lesbian/bisexual do not consider their sexual orientation a matter
of conscious choice, personal preference or morality.
* Many women prefer the term lesbian instead of gay for describing themselves and most men
and women dislike the clinical diagnostic term homosexual.
* Certain individuals consider themselves to be bisexual, that is capable of attraction to and
sexual activity with both women and men. Allow for this option and do not assume that one
must select one orientation over the other.
* Individuals who are gay/lesbian/bisexual or struggling with issues of sexual orientation and
sexual identity experience a unique and often challenging life status. Counselors can best be of
service by attempting to understand and appreciate this unique status without stereotyping or
stigmatizing these individuals.
* Remember that the individual may be unsure of his/her sexual orientation and this may be the
basis of concern. Explore the individual's relationship if this is unclear to you, and if possible
avoid using emotionally charged words such as gay or homosexual. Also avoid gender-specific
pronouns unless the individual uses them.
* For many individuals, being gay/lesbian/bisexual is not a problem or grave concern. In any
case knowing more about the individual is helpful. Do not automatically assume that the
individual wants help with his/her sexual orientation if he/she is gay/lesbian/bisexual.
When Counseling:
* Challenge your own assumptions and be aware of your own feelings concerning sexuality.
Are you comfortable and effective dealing with individuals concerned with gayness?
* Eliminate assumptions of the superiority of heterosexuality and of gayness as second class or
not quite the real thing.
* Examine not only your feelings and thoughts concerning gay/lesbian/bisexual people but also
their sources. How accurate are these feelings and thoughts? How do they affect your
counseling?
* Make an effort to learn more and shatter myths. Work constantly to improve your counseling
skills in general and around gay/lesbian/bisexual issues. What prevents you from being an
effective counselor with individuals with these issues?
44
* Work on concerns of the individual as you would with concerns of any nongay person in
general, but do realize when you as a counselor are unable to deal effectively and refer to a gaypositive resource. The value of a self-identified gay/lesbian/bisexual counselor cannot be
overestimated.
When counseling:
*
Accept and support gay feelings and behaviors with active, positive responses.
* Do not reinforce the individual's stereotypes and myths of gayness. Encourage the individual
to question basic assumptions about being gay/lesbian/bisexual.
* Help to expand the range and depth of feeling awareness, especially exploring anger, love,
self-esteem, oppression and isolation.
*
Work with feelings of self-worth including shame, guilt, inferiority, sureness and pride.
* Work toward self-acceptance and an individual personally satisfying concept and definition
of sexuality for the individual.
* Encourage the individual to develop a gay-positive support system that will provide mutual
comfort, support, respect, affirmation, acceptance, understanding and security.
Possible Issues to Explore:
Family Relationships
Religion
Legally Sanctioned Discrimination
Coming Out
Forced Disclosure
Parenting
Job Security
Harassment and Abuse
Perpetuated Stereotypes
Media messages
Sexual Activities
Social Isolation
Love Relationships
AIDS
Hidden History
G/L/B Culture & History
Self Acceptance
(Suggestions for Counseling Gay/Lesbian/Bisexual Individuals Cont.)
Feelings
An individual who is gay/lesbian/bisexual or struggling with his/her sexual orientation may
FEEL:
45

ABANDONED, BETRAYED… by family, friends, lovers, religious institutions and
support networks.

DIFFERENT, AWKWARD…. in a world that values conformity.

CONDEMNED, SELF-HATRED… many have experienced much gay hate in our
culture.

REJECTED, DEVALUED, WORTHLESS…. view taken on from experience of
heterosexist society seeing gayness as abnormal, deviant and immoral.

IGNORED, ALONE, ISOLATED, INVISIBLE… resulting from attacks on character,
identity and self-esteem.

RAGE, ANGER, RESENTMENT … at hiding, leading a double life or at attacks of
prejudice and discrimination, anger may feel unjustified.

PERSECUTED, OPPRESSED … in a society that discriminates legally, religiously and
socially.

BITTERNESS, PAIN, DESPAIR… may try to end in drugs, alcohol abuse or suicide.

FRANTIC, THREATENED, SCARED … about the possibility of being
gay/lesbian/bisexual or about disclosure that might harm him/her.

GREAT, EAGER, FASCINATED, PROUD, EXCITED, SURE, JOYFUL, ECSTATIC…
do not assume that being gay/lesbian/bisexual is automatically a central problem but do
show sensitivity, support and respect in acknowledging that any minority status or
membership in an oppressed group can be difficult in our soc
Special thanks for much of this material to Cornell's Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and
Transgender Coalition

46
Summarization
Summarization includes: paying attention to the individual's verbal and nonverbal
statements over a period of time, then selecting the critical dimensions of their statements and
behavior and restating them as accurately as possible, thus helping them to see the situation more
clearly.
Advantages of summarization:
1.
Periodically provides a check for our own perceptions to see how accurate our listening
has been.
2.
Helps us to see our own personal distortions.
3.
Shows that we respect and hear what the speaker is saying.
4.
Assists the individual in pulling thoughts and feelings all together.
5.
Moves the session along.
Tips for how to summarize:
1.
Pick out the main points of content, feelings, and meanings that the individual has
expressed.
2.
Restate at appropriate times the main points in your own words.
Appropriate times might include:
a. When there is a pause, or “stuck point,” in the conversation.
b. When so much is happening that you can't remember everything and need to stop to
collect your thoughts.
c. When the speaker introduces a new topic (changes the subject).
d. At the close of a session.
2.
Check for the accuracy of the summarization if it doesn't come spontaneously (i.e. "Yeah" or
"That's right" or by nodding) by asking the individual if your summary is accurate.
From Feist, Jerry Ph. D. Dissertation 2/2/82 Edited by EARS
47
Focusing
Sometimes in a counseling session, lots of surface issues come up about aspects of a
person's life that aren't going well. There may be too much information for the counselor to deal
with everything at once, in which case we can be more helpful by exploring one part of the
problem at a time. The primary way to focus a session is by breaking down all of the problems
which a person presents into separate, manageable components and dealing with each component
one at a time.
Sometimes a session "goes around in circles." Often this happens because the session is
staying on a surface level, rather than delving deeper into the problem. By focusing, the
counselor can delve deeper by exploring each component of a general problem one by one.
Some sessions require no real effort on the counselor’s part to focus, because the person
is already focusing on one particular issue. In this case, focusing is automatic. However, this is
not always the case. An example of a session that needs focusing: someone is talking to you
about being depressed over troubles they are having with family, lover and roommate. They are
telling you all of this at once, talking in general terms about all three at once, or switching back
and forth among them. The counselor will need to focus by helping the person pick one issue to
talk about, and exploring that issue fully. After that issue has been explored, if there is time, the
counselor should focus once again on another part of the problem. After all three surface
problems have been explored, connections between the three problems may become clear. For
example, self-esteem may be the common denominator underlying all three of this person's
surface problems.
How to focus? Be nondirective: if one main issue is not clear, lay out all the components
that are being presented, but don't choose what the person is to talk about, let them choose. One
way to do this is to ask, "What about all this is hurting the most?" or "What about this upsets
you the most?"
You may find that exploring one issue completely leaves no time in the session to explore
the other issues. That's all right. To explore one issue on a deeper level is probably more helpful
than exploring several issues on a surface level, and this is exactly what focusing is all about!
48
Confrontation
Confrontation is a risky skill, but can be very important for getting deeper into a session,
for helping individuals to find new insights about themselves and their behavior. Often in a
counseling session, the problem giver is not completely aware of all that they are saying and
feeling. There may be conflicting thoughts or feelings, and thus there may also be contradictions.
For example, a problem giver may say contradictory things at different points in the session: they
may say that things are really going fine in their life, but then bring up some very disturbing
problems. Or they may assure you that they are not upset, but will appear very nervous and
anxious. When this happens, the individual may not be telling you all that they are feeling: in
fact, it is likely that they are not even aware of the discrepancies being presented to the
counselor. You as the counselor, with a more objective viewpoint, can often see the situation and
its contradictions more clearly than the problem giver can.
When you note a discrepancy in what you are perceiving from the individual, you can
consider making a confrontation. A confrontation is not what the term typically connotes, an
aggressive attack on the individual. Rather, a confrontation means clearly, nonjudgmentally
pointing out to the individual the contradictions in what they are presenting, and asking
them for a clarification. This may be scary for both you and the problem giver: you may be
afraid the person will feel attacked and defensive, and the individual may be afraid to look at
things they might have been trying to avoid facing. However, confrontation is important for both
the counselor and the individual. When you show the person discrepancies in what they are
saying, they are compelled to evaluate and clarify their position. This gives the problem giver a
better awareness of her/himself, and the counselor, too, will understand the problem giver’s
position better. Confrontation can be a very powerful tool in promoting the individual's selfknowledge.
As an example, take a person who is talking about a relationship problem. They
periodically repeat, "Really, there is nothing seriously wrong," even as they talk about their
distrust for their partner, and their feelings of being ignored and rejected by him or her. In this
case, it would be important for the counselor to confront: "You know, I keep hearing you say that
nothing is seriously wrong in your relationship, but I am also sensing that what has been
happening between you has been causing you an awful lot of pain. Could you help me to
understand better what is happening for you?"
It is very important in a confrontation to remember the attitudes of being nonjudgmental,
genuine, and empathic. Without these attitudes, a confrontation will probably seem to be an
attack on the person. Being specific about what the discrepancy is will make your point clear,
and thus enable the person to understand the basis for the confrontation and to know better how
to understand her/himself. Checking with the individual to hear their response is also important,
since the whole purpose of a confrontation is to enable both the counselor and the individual to
better understand the individual's position. Even if they reject the confrontation, a confrontation
is valuable because it helps both people to understand the situation better. When done according
to these guidelines, a confrontation can compel a person to really look at her/himself, and come
to a much greater self-awareness, which is a primary goal of any counseling session.
Gina Hayashi and Jennifer Oglesby, 3/88
49
Confrontation, Information-Giving,
Validation and Immediacy Exercise
This exercise is to help familiarize you with the skills of confrontation, informationgiving, validation and immediacy. Read each situation and think about which of these skills
would be helpful to use. Write down a response that you might choose and what type of skill
you would classify your response as (i.e., either confrontation, information-giving, or validation).
When writing a response to the following situations, focus on the immediate thoughts, feelings
and behaviors (both yours and those of the individual).
Situation: A man has been returning to see you on your shift now for several consecutive
weeks. Today is no different; he shows up shortly after your shift begins and wants to talk with
you. As the session progresses you begin to feel very frustrated. You doubt that the sessions are
being productive and helpful to the individual, even though he insists on returning to see you.
Things seem to be stuck in a rut as far as you are concerned. What might you say to this man?
Response (don't forget to indicate what type of response):
_____________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________
Situation: You answer the phone in the EARS room. The person on the other end says,
"Hi...(few seconds silence)... I'd like to talk with someone...(more silence)...see--I have a
problem (long silence).” What might you say to this person?
Response:
_____________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________
Situation: You are speaking with a woman in the EARS room. She is telling you about how her
once-close group of friends has drifted apart. She proceeds to tell you that it's okay with her.
50
She understands that everyone is very busy in their own lives. However, as she is saying this
you notice a catch in her voice, that her eyes are watering, and that she is fidgeting with her
bracelet. What might you say to this woman?
Response:
_____________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________
Situation: You are very concerned about a friend of yours whose mother recently died. She is
withdrawing from everyone and seems to be progressing into a deep depression. You are talking
with her now and she says that she wants help so you suggest that she see someone in Psych
Services. She would like to go but is afraid that her friends, family, or future employers might
discover that she needed professional help. What would these people think of her then?
However, you know that Psych Services keeps their records separate from the regular medical
files, upholds strict confidentiality, and would not release information without you friend’s
consent. What might you say to your friend to help her?
Response:
_____________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________
Counseling Across Cultures
Below is a list of characteristics that distinguish culturally effective counselors taken
from an article (Wing 1978) which comments on "Counseling Across Cultures" edited by Paul
51
Pedersen. It is not meant to be an exhaustive list but a jumping off point for self-examination
and discussion.
1. Culturally effective counselors recognize which values and assumptions they hold regarding
the desirability or undesirability of human behaviors. They also are aware that others may hold
different and legitimate values at odds with their own. More than that, this understanding is
translated into affective and behavioral components. For example, cognitively I can say to others
that "one of my values is that people ought to become autonomous individuals." If I cannot
translate my cognitive understanding into the affective and behavioral realms, I may still
unwittingly impose these values onto my client.
2. Culturally effective counselors are those who are aware of the generic characteristics of
counseling that cut across many schools. They are aware of culture-bound values, class-bound
values, and language factors that affect the processes and goals of counseling. Behind this
statement is a belief that no theory of counseling is politically or morally neutral.
3. Culturally effective counselors understand the socio-political forces (oppression and racism)
that have served to influence the identity and perspectives of the culturally different. Not only
can they look to the person for explanations but they are able to look to the environment as a
viable source of influence when appropriate.
4. Culturally effective counselors are able to share the world view of their clients without
negating its legitimacy. This is in marked contrast to ineffective counselors who are so culturally
encapsulated that they engage in cultural oppression in their counseling practice.
5. Culturally effective counselors are truly eclectic in their counseling. They are able to
generate and use a wide variety of counseling skills regardless of theoretical orientation. They
can take a directive or nondirective approach, ask open or closed questions, summarize or
interpret, reflect feelings or paraphrase statements, engage in appropriate nonverbal activities,
etc. The use of a particular set of counseling skills is chosen on the basis of its appropriateness
to the experience and life-styles of the culturally different.
Derald Wing Sue, Ed. of "Personnel and Guidance Journal", April, 1978.
52
Problem Solving Steps
Stages of Problem Solving:
Important Open-Ended Questions
1) Identify the problem
What are the facts & your feelings? Be
concrete. When several, which do you want
to focus on first?
2) Clarify your goal
How do you want it to be?
What are your short & long-range goals?
3) Brainstorm alternatives
What have you thought of doing? What
else?
4) Evaluate alternatives
What are the advantages and disadvantages
of each? What will help or hinder you?
How? What's the worst that could happen if
...
5) Choose & Make a Plan
Which do you think and feel you can and
will do? If you can't decide, what's stopping
you? (That often becomes new focus of PS) What specifically will you do next?
How? When?
6) Evaluate & re-act
How will you know you've succeeded?
If...happens, what will you do? What
supports do you have available?
“Give a person a fish, and they can eat for a day.
Teach a person to fish, and they can eat for a lifetime."
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Problem Solving Process
Everybody has problems. It's a part of life. We handle problems all the time when we:
 Feel discomfort inside ourselves or from the outside world.
 Think about it consciously and unconsciously.
 Reach a conclusion.
 Act.
 Evaluate and re-act
Some problems have a bigger impact on us than others. Then we may:
 Think about them more.
 Feel about them more.
 Behave differently.
 Talk about them, as a way to clarify thoughts, feelings, & actions.
Sometimes the problem gets solved. (YEA!!!)
Sometimes it doesn't. (Boo!!!) Then we try something else.
Many of us know that talking about a problem can help solve it. So we talk with friends or
people we're close to. That often helps.
But talking doesn't always help, in part because other people usually:
 Don't listen.
 Tell us what NOT TO DO: "Don't feel that way!" "Don't do that!"
 Give us advice:
Short form -- "Do this!"
Long form -- "If I were you, even though I'm not and I don't know all your feelings &
thoughts, & don't have to bear the consequences, I would (maybe) try this."
When an uncomfortable issue remains unresolved, we may:
 Avoid it and hope it will go away.
 Seek other solutions.
 Ask other people for help (friends, relatives, professional "helpers").
You can help someone by using basic helping skills, including:
 Listening closely to the person's perceptions of the issues.
 Letting them choose which issue and alternative to discuss.
 NOT rushing them through the process -- their pace, not yours.
 Paraphrasing facts & feelings as you understand them.
 Asking open-ended questions.
 Focusing on present, concrete thought, feelings, and actions.
 Summarizing what you've heard.
 Using the problem-solving hand-out to help you keep track & clarify.
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Solution Focused Counseling
Exception Finding Questions
When are there times ____________ doesn’t occur?
(the problem)
When have you ______________ (gotten work done, felt connected, eaten healthy)?
What is different when _____________ ?
How do you get that to happen? (Have them take credit for whatever is working.)
How does your day go differently when ___________ (exception happens)?
Who else noticed that _____________ ?
These questions afford people the opportunity to race the positive impact that one smalle
exception can have in their lives.
If clients are persistent reword the question….
When is it…
less severe
less frequent
shorter in duration
different in anyway.
What do you do for fun?
In what areas of your life are you successful?
What are your hobbies and interests?
Help the client use those skills to attack this problem.
Have you ever had this difficult in the past? How did you resolve it then? What would you need
to do to get that to happen again?
Sometimes clients need to reapply a previous solution.
Goal Setting Questions
What will be the very first sign that things are moving in the right direction?
(If exceptions were noted earlier.)
What would be a sign that things are continuing in the right direction?
Concrete Goals:
(ex. More self-esteem, feeling happier, more intimacy)
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What will you be doing different when you have more self-esteem?
If you were being videotaped, what would the camera see and hear?
Miracle Questions
Suppose when you go to sleep tonight a miracle happens and your problem is solved. What will
be different tomorrow that will tell you that a miracle has happened?
Note:
The counselor’s job is to help the client describe the solution in detailed terms.
Don’t accept the absence of the problem, but the presence of a new behavior.
If they describe differences in feelings – what will they be doing that changes their feelings?
Scaling Questions
On a scale of 1-10, where 10 is the miracle and 1 is the worst you’ve ever been, where are today?
How did you mange to get to a ____ ?
What would be different if you were at a ___ (next number higher)?
What do you need to do to get to a ___ (next number higher)?
After Session Tasks
In the next week, observe what happens that you want to have continue to happen.
Keep track of what you are doing this week that ______ (gives you more peace of mind, makes
you feel more in control, etc).
Casey Carr, 1995
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Miracle Question
The miracle question is a framework for goal setting. The miracle question is usually asked in
the following way: “Suppose when you go to sleep tonight, a miracle happens and the problems
that brought you in here today are solved. But since you are asleep, you don’t know the miracle
has happened until you wake up tomorrow; what will be different tomorrow that will tell you that
a miracle has happened?”
In the beginning the clients are asked only to pretend that the miracle has happened; this makes it
easier for them to get started talking about what it would be like when the problems are solved.
Perhaps because the miracle question requires no explanation, this question allows the client to
develop solutions that are separate from the problems.
When the therapist helps the client elaborate with follow-up questions, the responses to the
miracle question frequently describe the solution in rather detailed behavioral terms; the more
vivid and rich the description, the more possibilities for taking small steps toward solving their
problems. Don’t accept the absence of the problem, but the presence of a new behavior.
Miracle Question: Individual
Some clients may initially talk about winning the lottery or some other highly unlikely event, but
after some jocular comments, clients usually describe changes in everyday events. Others will
begin by describing the absence of the problem; then they can be asked: “What will you be
doing when you are not .....?” Some clients may describe differences in their feelings; it is
helpful to ask: “When you are feeling..., what will you be doing? Or how will ..... know you are
feeling....?” A simple question like “What else?” helps continue the flow of examples.
Depending upon whether the client views the problem as theirs or someone else’s, you may want
to phrase the follow-up questions differently: “What will .... notice different about you? What
will you notice different about them?”
Follow-up Questions
When all the possible differences after the miracle have been explored, exception-type questions
help establish exceptions that are related to the goals: “When are there times now that pieces of
this miracle happen just a little bit? What’s different about those times? Who’s doing what?
How do you do that?” The implication is clearly that the client is making solutions happen
already.
To bridge from pretending the miracle has happened to helping clients make it happen, clients
are asked: “What would you have to do so that it would happen more often?” For clients who
don’t yet see themselves as part of the solution (see Client-Therapist Relationships), it is helpful
to phrase the question: “What would have to happen more often for this miracle to take place?”
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Miracle Questions: Relationships
When working with relationships, such as husband and wife or parent and child, the individuals
involved often see the problem differently. The miracle question helps clients explore new
possibilities for solutions because it focuses the attention away from blaming the other person
and more toward noticing what they have in common in terms of what they want to see happen.
Instead of viewing their relationship as a complex set of problems, clients are helped by the
miracle question to see their relationship as affording more possibilities for change.
Follow-up Questions
With each client, all the variations of circular type questions should be explored. “After the
miracle, what will you notice different about your....? What will he or she notice different about
you? When you do..., what will your spouse or child or parent do then?”
As with the questions to individuals, the exception-type questions help establish when parts of
this miracle are already happening. The implication is that clients have already begun to solve
their own problems. To help them continue this, clients are asked: “What would have to happen
for ..... to do this more often? What would your .... say it would take to make it happen?”
Answers to the miracle question and the follow-up questions not only help establish common
goals, but can also be clues to determining the client-therapist relationship for each client. This
information assists the therapist in deciding who is more invested in taking steps to create change
and what others would have to notice to convince them that the problem is being solved.
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Exception Finding Questions
The process of searching for exceptions to the problem can occur at any time during the
interview, e.g.:
1. After the client has had appropriate time to describe the problem: “I’m just wondering; are
there times when this problem doesn’t occur?” Or better yet, phrased in more positive terms:
“Are there times when Johnnie does pay attention in school?”
2. Following up on what the client mentions as an exception: “Except for art class, Johnnie
never pays attention in school.” “Oh, he does pay attention in art class. Tell me more about
how he does that.”
3. After the miracle question: “Are there times now that pieces of this miracle happen just a
little bit?”
Since exceptions to the problem are usually considered rare by clients, they are usually surprised
by anyone asking about when the problem doesn’t occur. To make this transition easier for
them, use whatever opportunities and descriptions they give to you to ask exception finding
questions. Although the examples below use the word problem, once you find out what they do
when the problem doesn’t occur the questions can be phrased in those terms.
Exception Finding Questions: Individual
Can you think of any other time, either in the past or in recent weeks, that you did not have a
problem with...?
What’s different about the times when this problem doesn’t occur?
What would you say you do differently at those times?
(When client takes an active role in the exception)
What will have to happen for you to do it that way more often?
What will have to happen for that to occur more often?
(When client takes a more passive position)
What else would you say is different when the problem doesn’t happen?
What will you be doing instead when the problem is solved?
Are there times when your marriage was working better?
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Exception Finding Questions: Relationships
Even when the complaint is limited to the client only or to the client’s significant other, it is
always useful to gather information on the client’s perceptions of the other person. It adds more
depth and breadth to the description of the exceptions and what part others may play.
If your husband were here, what do you suppose he would say he notices different about you at
those times when the problem doesn’t happen?
What do you imagine he would say you do differently?
What would he say has to happen for that to occur more often?
When you are doing...., what do you notice different about him?
What would he say he does different when you are....?
When the complaint is about the significant other:
What do you suppose you do different when he doesn’t...?
What do you imagine he notices different about you when he doesn’t....?
What would he say has to happen more often for him to continue to....?
These relationship questions can be expanded to include children, parents, teachers, probation
officers, etc., depending on the nature of the problem. The answers to the exception finding
questions provide clues to what the solution would look like to the clients and their significant
others. The miracle question and the scaling questions can be used to determine which
exceptions are related to the client’s goals so that the steps toward a solution can be negotiated.
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Scaling Questions
Scaling questions are very versatile in their usefulness. They can be used to measure client’s
progress before and during therapy, to determine client’s investment in change, to determine
client’s confidence in taking steps to solve problems and to assess any perceptions of
relationships or solutions.
Scaling questions are simple enough that even children who understand number concepts can use
them effectively. The absolute number is not as important as the change that was accomplished
to get to that point or to the change expected to get to the next level.
Even when the problem is vague or unknown or there is disagreement about issues, the therapist
can usually encourage clients to put vague descriptions into numbers.
Scaling Questions: Individual
“On a scale of 1 to 10 where 10 is when these problems are solved and 1 is the worst they’ve
ever been, where are you today?” The most common response is 3. Clients in crisis might say 0;
clients who have experienced positive pre-session change might respond at 5 or above. Again
the number is not as important as the response to follow-up questions: “How did you manage to
get to a 3? What would be different if you were at a 4?” For low responses, the emphasis should
be on the next level: “If things were just a little bit better, say at a 1, what would be different?”
For higher responses, the emphasis should be on the change that’s already occurred: “What have
you done that’s helped you get to a 5?”
“On a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being that you have every confidence that this problem can be
solved and 1 being no confidence at all, where would you put yourself today?” A visitor-type
relationship will most frequently prompt a response near 1. The closer the response gets to 10,
the more confidence the therapist can have that a contract for therapy is developing.
For clients invested in creating change: “What would you need to do to get from a 4 to a 5?”
For clients who don’t speak in action terms: “What would it look like if you were at a 4? Or
how would you know you were at a 4? What would be different?”
In situations where change has taken place (pre-session change in the first session or positive
change in subsequent sessions), scaling questions are useful in determining how confident clients
are in the change continuing: “On a scale of 1 to 10 where 10 is you are very confident and 1 is
where you are not confident at all, how confident are you that these changes will continue?” If
the client acknowledges responsibility for the change: “On that same scale, how confident are
you that you can continue to do what you’ve been doing?”
Again, depending upon the response: “What would it take for you to be a bit more confident?”
Or “what would be different if you were more confident?”
Before the therapist takes a break to develop the intervention, it is important to know the
willingness of the client to do something to solve their problem: “On a scale of 1 to 10 where 10
is you are willing to do anything (or whatever the team might suggest) to solve these problems
and 1 is where you are not willing to do anything, how willing are you to do something?”
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Scaling Questions: Relationships
These same scaling questions can be used to assess the client’s perception of change, confidence
and willingness in their spouse, child, parent, or significant other.
On a scale of 1 to 10 where 10 is when these problems with your child are solved and 1 is....,
where would you say your child is today? On a scale of 1 to 10 ........, how well would you say
your husband is communicating?
If I were to ask your child how well he thinks he is doing on that same scale, what do you think
he would say?
If I were to ask him where you would put him on that scale, what do you think he would say?
On that same scale, how confident are you that your husband will continue to communicate with
you?
On that same scale, how much do you think your husband is willing to work to solve his drinking
problem?
The relationship scaling questions offer additional possibilities for assessment and treatment. In
cases where someone other than the identified client needs to be convinced that progress towards
the goals is occurring, these questions help the client and therapist formulate plans for change.
“What would the courts need to see to go from a 3 to a 5 in how confident they are that you
could take care of your kids?”
“What would your husband need to see you do so that he would be more willing (let’s say from a
2 to a 3) to work on your marriage?”
Again, the absolute number is not as important as its usefulness in inducing change. For
instance, when the wife is asked first where she thinks her husband is on a scale, he will
frequently then answer with a higher number. If one person responds with a higher number than
the other, the emphasis is on the higher number: “What do you know that your mother doesn’t
that makes you more confident that this problem can be solved?” Thus, the process of asking
scaling questions can be an intervention to induce change.
Copyright, Brief Family Therapy Center, 6815 West Capital Drive, Milwaukee, WI, 1991.
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Closure
The purpose of the closure phase in counseling is to provide a smooth transition from the
intimate and often emotionally intense session to the work the individual will now be embarking
upon on their own.
At the start of the session the counselor is responsible for developing rapport and creating a safe,
nonjudgmental atmosphere, enabling the individual to explore feelings, thoughts, behaviors and
experiences. As the links among these four contexts become clear, the individual is able to
formulate a clear, concrete definition of the problems and goals. The counselor then helps the
individual explore alternatives and choose a direction to move in.
1.
Closure often starts with a brief summarization of the main issues. A restatement of the
reasons for the direction an individual has chosen in the session will help to clarify the
decision and aid in committing the person to the decision.
2.
It is important that the individual is comfortable with their decision. If they are not,
chances are some feelings were overlooked and you might want to go back to exploration.
Questions you might ask include:
3.
A.
How do you feel about your decision?
B.
How do you feel right now?
C.
Is there anything else you would like to talk about?
This question may get you into another long session -- so don't ask it unless you have
the time and energy to follow up.
When an individual does not feel that the session has resolved the issues they have been
wrestling with, it is possible that they are missing some vital information about their
feelings and behaviors that is necessary for change.
Here are some options:
A.
Tell the individual that there is information missing that the two of you have not been
able to uncover by talking and suggest that the individual observe their own feelings
for the next few days while engaging in the activity in question. Ask the individual to
note the specific chain of events that occurs. Suggest the individual take notes of the
events, feelings, behaviors and consequences, and then come back to EARS to talk
again.
B.
You may not have the experience or the objectivity to help this particular individual
work this one out. Share referral options that may be useful to the individual.
C.
The individual may not be ready to make a change yet. They may be doing the best
that they can given the present circumstances. Reflect this to the individual as you
see it happening.
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4.
The information above all relates to counseling sessions that have focused on a specific
problem. Very often, the individual just wants to talk and explore the situation for better
insight. In this case the problem is that they want someone to talk to, and talking to you is
the solution.
These questions may be helpful in closing the session:
A.
How has this session been helpful for you?
B.
What have you learned from this session?
C.
How will these new insights affect you?
D.
What are you looking forward to? (This is an excellent transition question.)
5.
Remember that you are human and only have a certain amount of energy and attention. Be
sure to plan the session to be over before you run out of steam. You may have to say at
some point, "I will only be able to talk with you for about 15 minutes more; let's see what
we can do to come to some resolution for now."
6.
the
Finally, it is a good idea to let the individual know that they are welcome to come back to
EARS room (or call again).
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Basis for Crisis Intervention
Crisis is time limited. It pushes toward some kind of resolution and is generally comprised
within a maximum period of six weeks.
During crisis, the person’s habits and coping patterns are suspended, and s/he is especially open
to learning new methods of coping.
There is a rise of energy during crisis, signified by emotional turmoil, which if focused and
directed can be used for crisis resolution.
The individual is seen as having strengths, which are emphasized; s/he was coping until now,
even if maladaptively.
Outline of Crisis Intervention
1.
Make contact at a feeling level rather than a factual level.
 Identify the individual's feelings, and your feelings in response. Accept the
individual’s right to feel that way. Verbally reflect your feeling response to the
person’s feelings. Use statements rather than questions, without being dogmatic.
2.
Explore the problem now.
 Focus on the last six weeks, identifying hazardous events and precipitating incidents,
i.e., why the individual came to you today.
 Ask open-ended questions, so that the other person does most of the talking. Ask
individual to be concrete and specific.
3.
Summarize the problem with the individual, so that you both agree on definition of the
problem and its main elements.
4.
Focus.
 Agree with the individual on the specific area of problem to be considered. Two
criteria are important:
A. Area selected should be causing the individual great pain.
B. Area selected should be susceptible to some immediate action with the
likelihood of results.
5.
Explore Resources
 Motivate and direct the individual to tell you what they have done so far. What do
they wish to do? What are they afraid to do? What have they done in the past in
similar situations? Who have they talked to? Who would they like to talk to if they
could? AFTER exploring what the individual has considered, the counselor may
then suggest other resources.
6.
Contract
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

Agree on a plan of action with the individual. Specify the next step, what s/he will
do, and what you will do. Specify goals.
Have a clear arrangement for the individual to return if the contract breaks down.
Referrals
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When to make a referral:
1. When the individual requests a referral. See if the individual is willing to talk to you about
the problem. Our counseling may be more appropriate at the time than giving an
immediate referral.
2. When, during the session, you feel that a particular referral agency is suitable for the
individual in addition to your counseling.
3. When you feel, for whatever reason, that you will not be able to adequately assist the
individual with the problem(s). Explain to the individual the limitations of your knowledge
and experience, and then suggest another counselor.
How to make a referral:
1. If an individual approaches you specifically to ask for a referral, discuss the nature of the
individual's needs and what kind of information or help she wants to obtain.
2.
Rather than just referring to an impersonal agency, mention a few names. The counselor
should always be aware of the fact that the first call an individual in crisis makes may be
the last (i.e. rape or suicide cases). Thus, the counselor needs to be sensitive to the
individual's need for support in contacting referrals.
3.
If the individual's needs are not clear to you, or if they seem reluctant to go where you
suggest, then offer alternatives. For instance, if the individual seems reluctant to go to
Psychological Services at Gannett Clinic because of some kind of stigma attached to it,
suggest a counselor at Cornell United Religious Work.
4.
If you have no idea what the appropriate referral would be, offer to research the different
possibilities and to recontact the individual when you have obtained the name of an
appropriate one.
5.
Show that you are not shunting the individual aside. Ask the individual to let you know
what happens. Always keep in mind that some kinds of referrals can be very sensitive -you can make a difficult referral more acceptable.
6.
Remember to refer the individual to EARS again.
7.
Once you have offered a referral, let the individual know that you are still
available/interested in talking to them right then. Making a referral is not an either/or
situation - An individual can use both EARS and another service.
8.
If the referral is refused by the individual, don't be insistent. The individual is responsible
for their own actions, and has the right to refuse a referral.
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Referrals for Tompkins County and Cornell
Advocacy for Battered Women, Victims of Sexual Assault: Crisis Line_________277-5000
Office________________________________________________________________277-3203
Alcoholics Anonymous__________________________________________________ 273-1541
Alcoholism and Drug Council (Tompkins County) __________________________274-6288
Ambulance (Cornell and throughout County)_______________________________911
Convenient Care Center of Cayuga Medical Center (Warren Road) ___________274-4150
Cornell Police (Non-Emergency Number) _________________________________255-1111
EARS: Empathy, Assistance, & Referral Service_____________________255-EARS (3277)
Emergency Room, Cayuga Medical Center_________________________________274-4411
Employment: TC Workforce Development, Employment and Training_________272-7570
Family and Children's Service___________________________________________273-7494
Fire Emergency_____________________________________________________________911
Gannett Health Center:
Health Services________________________________255-5155
Counseling & Psychological Services (CAPS) ______________________________255-5208
Medical or Psychological Emergency______________________________________255-5155
Health Department, Tompkins County____________________________________274-6674
Information and Referral Service: Cornell__________________________254-INFO (4636)
Information and Referral Service: Tompkins County_______________________272-9331
Mental Health Clinic__________________________________________________274-6200
Planned Parenthood____________________________________________________ 273-1513
Poison Information Center_________________________________2-5655 or 1-315-476-4766
Police Emergency___________________________________________________________911
Ithaca Police Department__________________________________ _
272-3245
Cayuga Heights Police Department_______________________________________257-1011
Sheriff (Tompkins County)______________________________________________272-2444
State Police___________________________________________________________273-4671
Suicide Prevention and Crisis Service_____________________________________272-1616
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What is required to become an EARS counselor
Training & Competency. Everyone must go through the EARS Beginning Training program to be
considered for staff, including those with prior counseling experience. It is typically required that one
go through the Advanced training program to learn to apply the counseling model to different
counseling issues. And, most people need to go through the Intensive training program in order to get
the practice and experience needed to integrate the knowledge, skills and principles. There are 5 things
that must be demonstrated in training to be considered for staff:
 commitment to the underlying principles of the EARS program, respect and openness toward self
and others
 knowledge of the EARS counseling model
 ability to effectively apply the counseling model to different counseling issues
 ability to provide constructive feedback to others and to the program
 commitment and responsibility to the program (e.g., regularly attending training, communicating
with trainers, participate in group process, ability to honestly self evaluate)
The EARS Beginning, Advanced, and Intensive training programs are designed to provide this
information and allow for practice. Trainees are expected to take responsibility for getting evaluated.
Formal evaluations are completed by EARS staff members and have both a written and oral (verbal
feedback) component to them. The written evaluations are kept on file with the Advisor and are used to
review trainee progress and eligibility to participate in a Long Role Play (LRP), which is the final
evaluative process in determining trainee readiness for joining the EARS staff.
Long Role Play Eligibility. Prior to being considered for the Long Role Play a trainee must get several
formal evaluations from different EARS staff members. This can be done by trainers, guest trainers, or
by going to the counseling room with someone willing to provide an issue for counseling. When a
trainee feels that they are ready to join the staff and they have met the program requirements, they will
be reviewed for the next available Long Role Play. This must be at least one week prior to the first and
second LRP of the semester and at least two weeks prior to the final LRP weekend. (For an Advanced
trainee this means by week 10.) The trainer and Advisor will look at the evaluations and any other
feedback from trainers and make a decision about whether the trainee will be able to take the LRP. The
trainer will notify the trainees who had asked to be reviewed whether they will be taking the Long Role
Play and will meet with them one on one to review the recommendations.
Getting evaluated in the EARS room. Trainees are usually ready to take the LRP when they feel
comfortable counseling which takes practice. Begin going to the EARS room early in the semester for
evaluations. EARS calls and walk-ins will always take precedence over trainee evaluations, so please
be aware that your session may be interrupted, cut short, or rescheduled. There is a signup sheet on the
EARS door. To signup, call or stop by the EARS room in 211 Willard Straight Hall (255-3277).
Signup slots are one hour. You must bring someone to counsel. If the person you counsel also wants to
get an evaluation, they will need to signup for an additional hour-long slot. After going over your
evaluation verbally with you, the EARS counselor will put the written evaluation (and the observer sheet
if the issue giver consents) in a folder for the EARS Advisor. The Advisor will make 2 copies, keeping
one and giving your trainer the other. The trainer should give you back a copy of the evaluation. Copies
of evaluations are made on Monday before the EARS room opens. If you do not get you revaluation
back that week, please email the Advisor ears@cornell.edu.
It is recommended that you get at least 4 evaluations prior to considering yourself for the LRP.
No one will be considered for the LRP without at least two very positive evaluations.
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