D if f i cu lt , C o ur a ge ou s C on ve r s a t i on s
Most continuous improvement teams readily understand the importance of communicating with staff,
and they often include communication as one of their primary continuous improvement topics. For
the human services field in particular, teams often ask for help improving the manner in which they
engage in “difficult and courageous conversations”, conversations in which emotions run strong, the
stakes are high, and disagreement is likely. Teams may make these requests due to human services
attracting those who prefer more of a helping role and less conflict and overt challenges in their
interactions with others. The importance of DAPIMTM facilitators helping continuous improvement
teams in this area cannot be overstated, as effective, courageous conversations are essential to quality
interactions with those we all serve, as well as for those we serve as they interact within their own
communities.
When defining communication, teams often surface related improvement priorities like trust,
empowerment, time management, and performance management (see chapter 4 team activities on
these topics for guidance). Facilitators should encourage this “inside out” process of generating and
defining a fuller range of topics to unfold, especially with teams that are favor task-oriented work over
relationship building. Communication is a theme that often allows a fuller range of relationshiporiented improvement priorities to surface and facilitators may want to “mine” this potential early in a
team’s defining activities.
Staff in human services may avoid certain conversations with others (e.g., performance counseling)
because the topics or related feelings that are likely to surface are uncomfortable for them. Or they
might have these conversations but experience limited success due to the related conflicts with others
that can arise when such dialogues are not effective. Being able to have these conversations in a way
that builds trust and collaboration versus diminishing it is a critical to effective supervision, peer
influence, and casework.
In Crucial Conversations (McGraw-Hill, 2002), the authors spell out a basic process that we all go
through when we are in difficult conversations with others. We first hear exactly what is said, but
quickly and often unconsciously interpret it through our own set of filters and ways of looking at
things, thereby “telling ourselves a story about it.” We then experience some sort of emotion about
our story or interpretation, often one that evokes anxiety or some other negative emotion. We finally
make a decision about how to respond, and then we do so (see the attached chart).
When communication between two people is ineffective, these stories and emotions are not wellunderstood by those involved, and the resulting conversations often result in conflict, dead ends, or
important things being left unsaid. For example, research on divorce shows that they way couples
handle difficult conversations is a strong predictor of their relationship sustainability. Those that resort
to silence -- avoiding subjects, giving in too quickly and later resenting it, exhibiting passive aggressive
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behavior, and silent fuming -- as well as those that resort to violence -- threats, name-calling and
projecting evil motives on others -- have a low chance of sustaining their relationship.
The work of improving our crucial conversations involves speaking openly and honestly, having
dialogues with others in which we share our stories and the emotions that they evoke openly, as a way
of reaching mutual understanding and respect. Such dialogue creates a pool of shared meaning, with
the parties involved feeling better understood and therefore safer to express themselves further.
Another major element of having effective courageous conversations is first having what in human
psychology is referred to as healthy boundaries. Prior to having difficult conversations, individuals and
groups should assess whether or not they a) know what they want, b) are able to determine ways of
getting it that honor the rights of others, and c) know when their own rights are being infringed upon
unfairly. This is what having healthy boundaries is all about.
The best way to begin effective dialogue is to focus on a mutual purpose, something both parties care
about and want to see happen. Mutual purpose can be discovered between almost any two people, no
matter how narrowly defined (e.g., we both want to do a better job of communicating with each other;
we both want to avoid harming each other and suffering the related consequences).
Once a dialogue has begun, it is best to approach the subject as “something on the table between us
that we can work on together.” A prime example is counseling staff about performance gaps. People in
an effective dialogue first share their current stories about what is happening and how these stories
make them feel. Oftentimes the stories we have internalized are rationalizations that make our view of
things easier to feel comfortable about in the short run, but are working against us in the long run (e.g.,
“I’m consistently late to work because the transportation system in this area is inadequate” or “he
does not care about his job enough to be on time, which is not my fault.”).
Once current stories and the related emotions are shared, people test alternatives until they discover
mutually agreeable solutions and create a “shared story.” When people achieve this, their mutual
respect is enhanced, the boundaries between them are strengthened, and they can work together
towards a mutual purpose (e.g., “knowing what the transportation system is like, I need to take proper
measures to compensate and therefore arrive to work a bit early or on time” and “there are changes to
his schedule that we can make whereby his commute is less stressful and we still accomplish what we
want”).
Facilitators have an ongoing opportunity to model difficult, courageous conversations in the way they
establish individual and team safety and then strengthen accountability as DAPIMTM projects progress
(see Chapter 3). They model listening and continuously adjust their facilitation tactics based on the
priorities set by the team itself, consistent with the principles of creating a pool of shared meaning and
establishing healthy boundaries. The attached slide shows in a visual way how we respond to our
© 2012 American Public Human Services Association. All rights reserved.
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interactive experiences, and the team activity located on the following pages can help teams,
supervisors and front-line workers become more effective in having difficult, courageous
conversations.
© 2012 American Public Human Services Association. All rights reserved.
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Team Activity: Difficult, Courageous Conversations
Here are the steps a facilitator can take with a continuous improvement team to help its members
become more effective in having difficult, courageous conversations:
1. Jot down the most important relationships or most likely situations where difficult, courageous
conversations might occur in your professional life.
2. Consider the main concepts from the APHSA guidance above and jot down the ones that really
“stuck” for you.
3. Discuss #1 and #2 as a group, and identify general patterns for the team to focus on going
forward.
4. Jot down and then discuss as a group 1-3 strengths and 1-3 challenges regarding how you
currently handle difficult, courageous conversations. You might do this at three levels:
individual (using the participants’ self-test results), management team, and organization in
general.
5. Consider why you have the challenges that you do, and which aspects of having difficult
conversations you’d most like to change. Set some related goals.
6. Some teams (depending on the facilitator’s sense of their temperament) might at this point
benefit from a role play where common situations are simulated and the participants try to
model “what not to do” in a difficult conversation. Role playing the “don’ts” can be a great way
to take the charge out of such situations through self-parody and laughter.
7. Plan and implement quick wins, changes that you can make right away.
8. Determine what, if any, related changes you will make to your ground rules for working
together as a team.
9. Discuss how making improvements to how you handle crucial conversations will link to and
impact other improvements you are working on.
10. Determine how best to track your progress with crucial conversations, and make ongoing
adjustments as needed.
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Difficult, Courageous Conversations Power Point Slides
© 2012 American Public Human Services Association. All rights reserved.
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