Valery Stefaniev
Not mad
Translation by Natalya Garmashova
Not mad
I'm not mad. I didn't lose my mind, actually. Well, It is not an outlet for me. I thought that the most
horrible thing about old age is the loss of your beauty. The loss of your power, if you wll. Then I decided that
it's loneliness. But you can get used to loneliness. The most terrible thing for me about old age is the habit of
thinking about tomorrow. Besides, tomorrow never comes. Ten years ago I wanted to get a dog. It was left on
my doorstep. So little and cute. But I didn't become even a little bit happy. What if I'm sick tomorrow? Who
will walk my dog? Who will take care of her? If something serious happens I'll be so helpless! Twice! Two
years ago I decided to get a cat. But I have heard that they could live about fifteen - seventeen years. It's so
stupid to get a cat which will live for fifteen years when I don't even know whether I will be alive tomorrow. I
don't have... I don't have anybody. And I'm just living only with my memories. I'm living because of kindness
of my neiborhoods only. I just can't feed homeless dogs and cats. I don't... I don't have an intimate
relationship with them, do I? And that's why I feed birds. I don't think they'll remember me tomorrow. Only if I
don't come with more oatmeal. I am not mad. But sometimes... sometimes I think that Heaven is the place
where I can... I could take care of someone... it doesn't matter of whom. And don't fear tomorrow. What?
There is something wrong with my vision of Heaven?
I love you
Good morning. My name is Julie. I am from Novosibirsk City. I have a buddy who says: "Julie you are
a fool. And it's cool". So what? Maybe I was born to be a fool. I am so beautiful and sexy that I could be born
without a brain. And why do you think I need a brain? I can't solve all my problems. So why should I tax my
mind? Everything shall pass. And my problems will work themselves out too. I have a dream. I'm dreaming
about the English language. And I want to study it. I do love it like it's my native language. I don't even dance
when Russian comes on. My ears recoil when I hear the lyrics of our songs. They are so inane. Yeah, they
are not Whitney Houston songs... Love you or love me.
I have a buddy. He's a schizo. He's always ridiculing us. Uh-huh. And he "helped" me with English. I'll
kill him. We were invited to an event. It was typicalinternational premiere. And we were just eye candy. Well,
we were presenting flowers, smiling, giggling... I really love this stuff. Everything is very romantic. And it feels
like all eyes are on me. And there is champagne and canapes... I starved myself for three days to squeeze
myself into this dress.Well, I was drunk after the first glass. And everything became very funny. You know,
when I am drunk I love everyone and I want to kiss everyone. And I saw him... an American man. He was
staring at me and smiling. He was small, a freak of nature but... his eyes were full of kindness. And the most
important thing that he was an American man.
I grabbed Valerka and told him to introduce me to this American. But he neighed like a mustang: "He
only comes up to your thong!" Well, that's not true. He exaggerated it. But I didn't care. Uh-huh... And he
introduced me...
"Phil, this is Julie. Julie, this is Phil. Well, you can talk together and I have to go now." And he started
to leave.
"Hey, you son of a bitch. I don't know anything in English."- I told Valerka smiling softly.
"What the hell do you want with him, then?"
"Well, tell me some common phrases besides goodbye and all right." And he told me. Uh-huh. And
he forced me to learn these stupid phrases. These fucking Hollywood film phrases. And I remembered
hearing shit like that. Well, If I could have thought more carefully that time. But I was drunk. Besides, when
some stupid fucking blonde bimbo came up to my American I couldn't weigh shit. I took two glasses of
champagne and offered him a drink. He looked at this bitch. She looked at me and moved away as fast as
she could. Oh, it was an amazing evening! We were together all the time. I wanted to be a good
converationalist with my five phrases so I said, "I love you, I want you. I need you? All right! Good buy?! I
want you". Of course we kissed. But it was so romantic. Nothing serious. Oh, I was very drunk that evening. I
woke up in the morning with a terrible headache, with a sick stomach... And the ringing phone was not a good
thing for me that morning. Oh my God, oh my head! I picked up the phone... I only understood that it was my
Yersterday phil. But the rest of that conversation... Well, it didn't take place. And I was too ashamed to tell
him I love you and I want you... and I've already forgotten about it. But then there was a farewell evening with
our Americans. And we too had to go. But I was sick and I could only present flowers and force myself to
smile. But I couldn't make it to the banquet with my snot and my Phil was going be there. I was tired and sick.
I just smiled at him very shyly and moved away.
You know, this schitzo, Valerka, doesn't know English at all! I found it then. He is a freaking schitzo!
I was told that he got wasted and cried all the time. How could I know it?! Only when I met Valerka,
that son of a bitch, he asked me why I left my American man. There was nothing between us! It was
romantic. And he says: "Are you crazy? What kind of romantic are you talking about? You excited the man
and left him!" And now I am getting angry. There was nothing... I thought that this American freak was a fool
all his life until my friend said to her lover on the phone: "We have a great night ahead of us, baby. I want
you." And then I understood what "I want you" means. She said me that I understood it very clearly... Oh... I
started to feel sick. I grabbed Valerka... he's a fucking motherfucker... and asked him why did you do this?
You are son of a bitch! And what do you think he said? "Are you crazy girl? - Oh, you're pulling my leg!" You
can't make a fool of me! I've got a good head on my shoulders! I only studied German at school and only
three years! And I didn't have time to watch Hollywood movies! Do you think I lost my mind? Why would I
shout I love this man in front of all those people? Hmm... Or maybe I did. But now I love English very much.
At least, I know the best words in English.
Good morning. My name is Julie. I love you. I need you. I want you.
Inspired
Dear Valera! Please, don't make me laugh. Did you really not know that I was older than him by
sixteen years?! Almost by seventeen. It's a typical professor's love story if you will. Your obtuseness became
evident me. Every person at the conservatory was interested in our affair. Only Glinka's Statue didn't talk
about it because noone asked him. No, I'm not paranoid. This stuff shouldn't be surprising today, but fifteen
years ago... Life is like a trolley: either you drive it or you fall under it. Maybe we all were under the trolley in
those days.
I don't know why we broke. I don't know now. Seven years we lived together with inspiration. With my
inspiration. With my habit of giving myself freely. I knew that it was like drugs. Very strong drugs. But not as
strong as my wish to be like the others. And he had that wish... It's a healthy wish. Maybe it's very good to be
normal. Notice, Valera, before this I indicated that I was not crazy. When he told me he was leaving me and
he wanted to have a normal family and a child... I thought we could be friends. In any case, my students are
my life. I built this department myself. He thought differently about it. He went to a college. After all a male
theoretician is a great rarity. You know, he should have a good brain and a fat ass. A male theoretician sits
on his diploma. It's rude but exact. Or he should have an inspiration. He had it... Of course he had... Although
with your flagrant illiteracy... Shame on you...
Everyone thought that I had shaved my head for religious reasons or on a whim. Well it ... But it was
really despair. I didn't see it in time. I didn't even approach a mirror for about two months. Noone guessed.
Only Lola. I thought she was just a beautiful girl... That's my sin. I judged her by looking at her beauty.
A beautiful girl can't be a theoretician. It's a hopeless situation. She cried when she saw me. I took
her to the restroom and began to slap her in the face. And she started to slap me... maybe from fright mabe
in defense. And then I started to cry too. We cried , I think, an hour or more in our conservatory's restroom.
The walls vibrated with our weeping. Anyone in earshot was surely delighted... He lived with his new family
two years. He had a baby. Suddenly he began to drink. He didn't come home at night. One day his wife came
to me to pick a fight. And she was really suprised that he wasn't at my home. He came to me one year before
he died. Five minutes was more than enough. He was drunk. I did my best to keep my faith in the wisdom of
this world. I thought about his griefing wife, about his child, about the values of normal human life... About the
questionable values to which I gave him. He froze to death. It was in October. Of course he was drunk.
Sometimes I think that this world was really cold to him. Actually I don't know anything about his world. Of
course it's a very strong drug to be normal or just to look normal. But the drug of art, of inspiration, is
stronger. For me.
Teenager
Oh, I feel bad. I feel very bad. I don't want to go to school on saturdays any more. Two algebras, two
biologies, four phys. ed.... "Cool." And after all that shit I have to go to a hospital to clean up that freaking hall.
No, I don't want to live on Saturdays. I only want to sleep on saturdays. If my mom didn't wake me up I would
sleep all day... All day and all night.
It's very hard to have two algebras in the morning. But our math teacher is a human. She
understands everything and doesn't tax our brains. She can force you to do exercises but she doesn't fuck
you. I dont like when someone fucks me. All right. I can stand algebra. But biology... Our teacher is just a
freak. If she makes a mistake she starts to yell. You should hear her voice. It's freaking scary. Her voice is
only good for telling us about the penis and vagina. Actually she doesn't like this theme. She says the word
"ovulation" that we can't hear any vowels. And when we answer... It's very funny... When someone says
penis or vagina we all laugh... ha-ha-ha-ha... It's not funny. I think I am pregnant. Fuck! Here are your penis
and vagina. Oh, I feel sick. It's hard to clean up this fucking hall when you are pregnant. And it hurts. A
pregnant woman shouldn't lift buckets. Yes, I was late sometimes before. But now I am afraid... I would have
to be a fool to have a baby! My mom will kill me. And after all this fucking shit about penis and vagina I have
to ski like a great athlete. But it's fucking cold! And I've never had a record time. I'm not crazy. I just have to
clean up this fucking hall. And all this stuff with penis and vagina lies ahead.
Slavka
I'm standing at the bus stop and talking with God. God!.. - I'm saying. - Actually I'm saying it to
myself. Of course I know that You Love me, but I don't feel it right now. I don't feel it standing here for forty
minutes. At the bus stop. And it's cold and windy. Well, I can't feel that You Love me at all. Suddenly a young
man come to me. He is quite confused. And then he says:
- You know, it may seems very strange, but there are such times and it happens. Well, God asked
me to tell you that He Loves you.
- Uh-huh, - I said, - Thanks... Hey, did He tell you anything about my bus?
Cleo
There is something of the cat in me. Everyone knows when I'm in love. As if they feel it. I always
sense lovers. They smells very special. I sense them at once. I sense the smell of others' love. And when I'm
falling in love to everyone knows it too. Well, I react very keenly to smells. And especially when I am in love.
And I'm changing with my love. I'm enamorado! And I'm not afraid of anything! As if taboos are not for me! I'm
loosing all my fears. It's said that the cat has nine lifes... And I have them... when in love. In love I always go
to the extremes. I'll do anything to be near. I give myself like an animal with all my soul, with all my body. I
have nothing to give beyond my body. Actually, sex means very much in my life. I would say that sex is the
most important buisiness in my life... But I wouldn't say so, because it's not true. I'm not a jealouse person.
But my cat, Marquese,.. I want to kill her somtimes out of envy. Not only that she claims to tomcat every three
months period. You can set your clock by it. But she does it in so such ways that any pornostar would be
ashamed. And also she strongly believes that all was made for her own pleasure. I am envy her because... I
can live without sex a very long time. Sometimes it seems to me... I think... that it's just a trick to hide my
need in others' bodies, in others' warmth.
I used to be cold all the time as a teenager. And this cold has followed me all throgh my life. And now
I want to be warm I have always wanted to be. And now I can get it only if I offer sex. However I envy
Marquese, who can claim this warmth from me, from my plumber who replaced a tap... She claims the
warmth and she gets it. And noone; not even I; thinks to claim anything other than this warmth. I hate cats!
You're my little warm kitty, Come to me sweety, my little pussy cat.., come to me, oh you're a disgusting little
cat.
Quasi-smuggler
... And I say, that it was like that... Stop hissing at me. I didn't even touch her. I just went away. I am
not the kind of chick who stands at the bar. I understood that she had taken offense. I just told her what I
wanted and went away. I'm not going to talk with a bitch at the bar. You know, I just wanted something
romantic. Actually, I've just come back. I make a bath for the first time in three weeks. You know, a bubble
bath. I light a Finnish candle... I cry. And these bubbles smell like oranges. And I melt into it... It smells like a
Happy New Years eve in my childhood when I was peeling an orange... I don't know what I am wasting my
life for. I know that now I'm at my best, I am ripe for the picking. After my bath I'm standing in front of the
mirror... My mirror is about my height... Well, I am something to see. What a pity that I can't show it off, but
certainly I am something to see... Something happened involving my "something to see". It was at customs.
My papers weren't guite in order, but I fixed them up so they were okey-dokey. And there was one more step
to go, the last step and the last window. And the customs staff are all men. And all of them are angry and
purebred, like dobermans. And that's what we always call them. So whether you can speak English or not
you should be a woman of fashion. Even if it kills you. And you should also smile like Mona Lisa or until your
ears fall into your mouth. I'm wearing this dress in this case. It's not Valentino, of course, but it fits me like a
glove... with a plunging neckline. Well, I gave him my papers with a smile and blinked like a fool girl. And he
looked at me with cool eyes and started to scrutinize my papers. Bastard. Every sheet, bastard... And shot
me a glance from time to time. I knew that all my papers were in fucking order. But I arroused his suspicion.
But I have a plane ticket, and time is money. And that busrtard looked up at me, then at my papers... as if he
saw something strange. And he seemed concern. I thought he had found something. But he stared at me. Oh
God, help me! Then I saw... His neck started to turn red. And he gasped. But he kept staring at me. What did
you see, you friggin asshole?
I have a birthmark... Right here. In such a lovely place. Of course it's very beautiful and sexy.
And I stood there and worried about my papers, and that fucking foreigner stared at my birthmark till
it looked like his head would explode. Well, I just touched myself as if I were adjusting something... And that
son of a bitch gave me back my documents with a smile. Told me that everything was O'K, good luck... Ah,
you son of a bitch, I'd like to kill you...
My mom has the same birthmark. Right here. It's our family birthmark.
So as I said, this fucking bitch at the restaurant had taken offense. I just went away and didn't say a
fucking word. Well, we drank a little with Zoya and went to smoke in the restroom. When we went downstairs
Zoya remembered that she had forgotten her bag at the bar. It was Novosibirsk so she turned back for it... Oh
my God, she walked as if she were on stilts. It was so funny. You know, she hardly could stand or say
anything, but she could calculate percents and rebates in her mind... When Zoya went upstairs, The fucking
Bitch came up to me. I told her to keep her ass away from me. But she wasn't alone. I tried not to lose it...
But... I just wanted to beat her ass. And there was a girl beside me. I took off my jacket and gave it to the girl.
And The fucking Bitch smiled and took off her jacket to show me up. Then I took off my neckerchief... oh, it's
cute... from Italy... And that fucking moment Zoya came back! The fool was very drunk and... when she saw
us she just yelled: "Hey girls, the misic is upstairs and you're striping downstairs!? Where is our audience?"...
We were dumb-founded. And Zoya, this drunk fool, took off her jacket and threw it on the floor... And then
she showed us "9 1/2 Weeks"... And let me tell you one thing that she wasn't exactly tiny.Moreover she
wasn't exactly sober at that time. And suddenly another girl came out from nowhere. And The Bitch got kinda
wacky. She started to do the same. And It struck me: I was drunk too. I was no worse than the others! And
Zoya!.. She stoked the fire. Shrieked. And there was a shit-load of women in that restroom suddenly.
I think the porter thought he'd snapped to the whole damn situation in one second: there was a hugeass cat fight in the Ladies Room! He sent the police man down. They should have shown that cop's mug on
TV. Imagine, this cop had prepared himself for blood-bath downstairs. And what did he get? A dozen of
women doing a lewd strip-tease to the accompaniment of their own drunking caterwauling. And Zoya
screamed: "Here is the audience!" And the cop froze. Not alive, not dead. And Zoya, damn Hannibal in the
Alps, yelled: "We've got him surrounded!" And we answered: "Yes!" And started to dance around our cop.
And he gibbered at us like a baby: "Girls, what are you doing?! Girls..." The porter was cowering by the door
and crossing himself. Behind him, a crowed of gawking men was gathering. And suddenly I was exhausted. I
crept away, took a look around and saw... Oh my Lord!!! What a beautiful sight!.. And nowhere else to show
it, noone else to see it...
Suddenly The Bitch, Galina I mean, came up to me and asked: "What's the deal?" And started to cry.
So we stood and cried. Cried for real with tears. Zoya left the cop, came up to us and she started to cry like a
siren and we all joined in, we couldn't help it. And I burst out laughing. I couldn't stand it, I fell on Galina who
started to laugh too... Our little group of women was totally confused: some were laughing, some were
dancing and others were crying... I wonder, why didn't they call the men in white coats... Probably, it was
God's will. So we started to calm down and to put on whatever clothes had survived the dancing. I finally
found my clothes shook them off... And Galina was next to me telling me: "Wow! Where you have your
mole..." Well, that's how I had fun. And enough laughing. I did tell you the truth.
Mother
I am a terrible mother. I'm a bad mom for you? Well, go to your father! And let him be a good mother.
Of course I am a bad mom. A good mother gives birth to one child named Yasha Heifletz. He makes money
and feeds his mother all her life. And I gave birth to six... Oh Lord, help me... to seven children. And I just
don't have time to be a good mother. I cook, I wash, I wipe your snot. And it's very difficult to be a good mom
and at the same time to wipe your snot. Your dad is a very good mother. Because he doesn't do anything at
home. He is doing nothing as a good mother should. His mouth even is open all the time like on the old
poster "The Motherland is calling!" But my child, please notice that he is always calling me.
I would be very glad to be a good mother. But where can I find the strength?... I have to punish Dodik
and to take out all silver spoons from a toilet into where he had dropped them one by one. I have to take the
phone cord from Rosy and give her a rattle. Let her bite a rattle. Noone gives her a rattle in this crazy house.
And that's why I can't remember the last time I talked on the phone. A good mother always finds the time to
seek advice from wise people by phone. But I have to punish Dodik who dropped the phone into the
aquarium. Poor fish! Why are they living in this house? Maybe only to show me that someone in this house
feels worse than me!
Honey, give your report card to dad. No! I said give your school rating to your dad and then I'll feed
whatever is left of you.
Hello! Is this Maria? Thanks Maria! I know that Michael smokes. I just don't know how to say it to my
husband. You know Maria I overdid it. Every time Michael broke something, lied or stole I yelled that he was
like his father. And his father yelled that he was like me. But what should we do now? Neither of us smokes.
Oh, Maria...
Oh my God! I'm not kidding you. But I really think that he was switched at birth as were Sonya, Dodik,
Bobik and others. But I am a big loser. They never switched my babies for normal ones.
Hello!.. Take him away from me! Now! No, Maria, it's not for you... I'll strangle him! I'll drawn him! I'll
fry him!.. Hello! Tell me Maria, does your son take in cats too? I mean how many times a week?! We have a
big problem with cats in this house. There are so many of them here that there is no room for roaches. They
come in all colors and sizes. And for some reason I can't understand they sleep only on my lovely sofa! On
my ex-lovely sofa. But you know what is the most terrible? It's the summer. Because there are a lot of fleace
in summer. While you are washing the cats the children become lousy, while you are washing the children...
Probably I am a really terrible mother. When I told him that I was going to have a fourth baby he
opened his mouth... And he said nothing. He is a Saint . He cried four days, but he didn't say anything... So
Dodik was born. I'll punish him certainly. When I'll catch whatever is left of him after the report card.
Hello! Of course he raises his hands to them. He seats them on his knees raises his hands and pats
them. That's how the were raised. Punsh! And why do you think I'm here? To punish Dodik. When I catch
him.
Seven children... Of course it's too much. Take away a curtain from Rosy and give her the rattle. I am
a terrible mother. And that's why today everyone will sleep in his own bed. And I will sleep in mine. And I
won't clean up this awful place where I can't breath. I am the terrible mother of seven angels. Oh Lord, help
me.