THE DAILY DIRGE
Serious journalism for a world beset with woe | Friday, March 12, 2010
BODY OF
PHARMACEUTICAL
MARKETER FOUND
IN HUDSON RIVER
Environmental activist Todd Riecher
found himself dragging in more than
he bargained for as he worked last
Tuesday to recover litter from the
shore of the Hudson river. Riecher,
age 31, claims that he dragged in what
he thought was a garbage bag in the
morning hours of the 9th, only to
make gruesome discovery.
The “bag” was in fact the bloated
remains of former marketer and copy
editor for Magadron pharmaceuticals,
Constantine Robert Smith, who
disappeared in the early months of
2007.
Police working on the case of his
disappearance report being saddened
but unsurprised at this turn of events,
claiming that the circumstances of
Smith's original disappearance led
them to suspect foul play. Detective
Robert Bingam reports that the
discovery has led to more questions
than it has answered.
“The corpse currently appears to
indicate a time of death far more
recent than three years in the past.
Detective are left wondering where
Mr. Smith was between the time of his
disappearance and the time of his
death.”
Constantine was described by friends
and family as an introverted but
creative man, who enjoyed such
hobbies as running, bicycling and
drawing cartoons. He is survived by
both of his parents Virgil and Evelyn
Smith, who could not be reached for
comment. A memorial service is to be
held for him this Sunday at our Lady
of Eternal Peace Church in Brooklyn.
Anyone with information as to the
circumstances of Mr. Smith's death is
asked to please call the toll free NYPD
tip line number at 215-555-1973
SEARCH FOR
WHITNEY
BROKEHOUSE
CONTINUES
The NYPD continues to search for
former Daily Dirge reporter, Whitney
Brokehouse, who is wanted on
charges of felony breaking and
entering and felony assault in the first
degree. According to police, Miss.
Brokehouse,
along
with
an
accomplice, was responsible for
breaking into the home of a Brooklyn
resident and breaking several of her
ribs in an altercation. A warrant has
been issued for Miss. Brokehouse's
arrest, and the police warn the public
that she should be considered a danger
to society.
Police also would like citizens to be
aware that they are seeking to question
one Vincent DaPaglia as a person of
interest in this case, but have found
him to currently be unreachable, and
have reason to suspect that Mr.
DaPaglia may have fled the city of
New York. Police welcome any
information as to Mr. DaPaglia's
whereabouts, and emphasize that no
charges are currently being filed
against him in the case.
CONTROVERSIAL
S.A.F.E. DRUG
EDUCATION GROUP
TO RECEIVE
SUPPORT FROM
DANICA HOPE
CLINIC
The controversial drug education
group S.A.F.E. (Substance Education),
which garnered media attention for its
curriculum instructing youths as to
how you use illicit substances in such
a way that minimized risk, has
recently received a major donation
from the Danica Hope Clinic in
Staten Island, which analysts speculate
will allow the group to establish
programs at all major schools in the
borough who wish to work with them.
Financial Planning Executive, Jasmyn
Banks, went on the record as stating
Contents
that “the Danica Hope Clinic's mission
Body of Pharmaceutical Marketer
statement of attacking societal
Police welcome any information
Found in Hudson River .........................................................................................................................................................................
problems at their roots meshes 1
relating to the incident, and the
Search for Whitney Brokehouse
perfectly with S.A.F.E.'s push to stop
management of the Daily Dirge
potentially
lethal
drug-related 1
Continues ................................................................................................................................................................................................
wishes to express their solidarity with
incidents
before
they
stop”
and that
Controversial S.A.F.E. Drug
law enforcement in this investigating.
the
Clinic
approves
of
the
groups
Program to Receive Help From
The staff of the Daily Dirge is
philosophy
of
“education
to
bolster 1
Danica Hope Clinic.................................................................................................................................................................................
currently offering a $25,000 reward
abstinence.”
Art for Life at the Agora Gallery ..........................................................................................................................................................
2
for information leading directly to
Horoscopes ..............................................................................................................................................................................................
Miss. Brokehouse's arrest. Parties with
Critics of the S.A.F.E. program 2
information are strongly urged to call
the toll free NYPD tip line at at 215555-1973.
The Daily Dirge
continue to protest that the
organization promotes drug use by
providing educational material as to
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how to use substances safely, and
claim that this type of curriculum
makes it implicit that drug abuse is
natural and acceptable.
GEMINI (May 21 - June 20): Don't
forget where your heart belongs. This
season is a good season for
succumbing to the wanderlust of your
emotions.
ART FOR LIFE AT
THE AGORA
GALLERY
CANCER (June 21 - July 22): You
can never undo something once it is
done. Don't cling too fiercely to the
past.
The highly renowned charitable
organization Art For Life is set to have
it's first major New York exhibition at
the Agora Gallery in Manhattan, in
which pieces of artwork created by
sick and injured children are to be
showcased.
LEO (July 23 - Aug 22): If you fail to
at least strive to live out your
ambitions, you might as well not have
them.
The charity's mission is to provide art
education and creative outlets for
children and youth who are facing
life-threatening or terminal illnesses.
The branch coordinator for Manhattan,
one Frances Milliner, claims that the
organization believes that the act of
creating something beautiful helps
children and their families to focus on
enjoying and enriching the life they
have, and that being invested in
something creative often provides
children with the most important
quality they can have in such times of
crisis – hope.
LIBRA (Sept 23 - Oct 22): If you're
unable to see the whole tapestry
before you, it may begin to unravel.
Amongst the pieces exhibited will be a
sculpture by Rafeal Johnson (age 8)
who is considered to be the only
surviving victim of attacks made by
the assailant known until recently as
the Bronx Butcher.
Miss Milliner reports that Rafeal is a
bright inquisitive child whom she has
adored working with, and feels that he
has a promising future ahead of him.
Proceeds from the exhibit will benefit
both Art for Life and the New York
Make a Wish foundation, who is cosponsoring the event.
VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept 23): You may
have hidden yourself from the world,
but you will not be forgotten.
SCORPIO (Oct 23 - Nov 21): Even if
you examine your life and find
yourself to be monstrous, you can gain
satisfaction in knowing you don't
deceive yourself.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22 - Dec 21):
Don't seem boastful about what you
have, lest you lose it and earn the
scorn of others.
CAPRICORN (Dec 22 - Jan 19): A
lack of guilt never should be defined
as innocence.
AQUARIUS (Jan 20 - Feb 18):
Being friends to everyone may
someday make you friends to none.
Don't be afraid to choose your allies
carefully.
PISCES (Feb 19 - March 20): The
world will forever remain a thing
larger than you can know. Learn to
rejoice in this.
Horoscopes
ARIES (March 21 - April 19): Let
yourself shine this week. Don't let
anyone talk you into valuing yourself
less than you should.
TAURUS (April 20 - May 20): You
will find something of great value,
although others may not yet realize it.
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