FADE IN
INT. MGM GRAND CASINO — NIGHT
An insert reads: MGM GRAND CASINO — 1992 CAMERA TRACKS
down a busy aisle, between packed slot machines.
It moves on to the gaming tables, past a spinning roulette
wheel, past a crowded craps table where someone has just
made their point and SHRIEKS IN JOY, onto the blackjack
tables.
An insert FADES IN: THE FOLLOWING STORY IS TRUE CAMERA
STOPS at a hundred dollar minimum table where JACKIE
TOWNSEND, SAMMY KLINE and STEVE JORDAN sit. Jackie, 26,
looks like a very small, thin version of Shaft. He lights
a long, brown cigarette. D.D. CALHOUN, the dealer,
shuffles a six deck shoot of cards.
An insert fades in: ACCORDING TO BRIAN ZEMBIC On the
words, BRIAN ZEMBIC -- behind Jackie, at an adjoining
table -- we see a MAN wearing a trench-coat and a Winnie
the Pooh cap.
WALTER RYKER (obese, skin showing between his shirt and
pants) makes his way through the crowd. He carries a
plastic shopping bag from Caesar's Palace. Meanwhile, D.D.
shoves the deck toward Jackie and hands him the cutter
card...
D.D.
Your cut.
Suddenly the man in the Winnie the Pooh cap, hurls his
trench coat aside, to reveal an entire Mighty Mouse
costume. He leaps onto his blackjack table and screams BRIAN
I am the God of hell fire! . . .
And I bring you fi-ya!
He holds high a Zippo lighter which he zips alight. Brian,
AKA Mighty Mouse, launches into Fire by Arthur Brown.
SECURITY MEN charge from all directions.
In the commotion, Jackie and D.D. make their move. With
precision timing, quick as magicians, Jackie grabs the
official deck from D.D. and drops it into a passing Walter
Ryker's shopping bag. Jackie pulls a new deck from his
jacket, hands it to D.D. under the table who places it
into the plastic shoe. No one in the casino knows what hit
them.
PIT BOSSES recover quickly and check their tables. Jackie
and the others turn to watch the show.
The Security Guards drag Mighty Mouse off the table. He’s
still singing at the top of his lungs as they haul him
through the casino - past Walter, who walks the other way.
BACK TO THE TABLES
Where D.D. is ready to deal.
D.D.
Damn nut-case.
(beat)
Gentlemen, are you ready?
EXT. MGM GRAND CASINO -- MOMENTS LATER
The security guards fling open the doors and hurl Mighty
Mouse into the street.
INT. WENDY’S -- LATER
BRIAN sits hunched over a Styrofoam coffee cup. Four other
empty Styrofoam cups litter his table. He’s wearing the
Winnie the Pooh cap.
He hears a TAP on the glass door and sees Jackie motioning
to him outside.
EXT. WENDY’S -- CONTINUOUS
BRIAN
What happened?
JACKIE
C’mon.
They walk quickly away from the fast food joint.
BRIAN
It must of worked. Your legs aren’t
broke.
JACKIE
Who told you to switch the song?
BRIAN
The other one wasn’t dramatic
enough.
JACKIE
You could’ve screwed up the whole
gig.
Jackie's body language says he's the bearer of bad news.
BRIAN
How did we do?
JACKIE
(faking glumness)
Not so good.
BRIAN
Jackie, how much?
JACKIE
A hundred.
BRIAN
You mean, I risked my life for a
hundred dollars? That's sick.
A grin breaks across Jackie's face.
JACKIE
Thousand.
Brian thinks for a second. He looks at Jackie who just
smiles.
Brian jumps like he’s been electro-shocked.
Dollars?!
dollars!
BRIAN
A hundred thousand
They jump around like football players who just won the
Super Bowl. HOWLING.
SMASH CUT TO:
INT. GENERIC BAR -- LATER
Jackie, Brian, Walter, D.D, Sammy and Steve all toast to
their victory. This is tradition.
EVERYONE
(chanting)
Boom, chaka laka laka. Boom, chaka
laka laka, Boom, chaka laka laka,
Boom!
They happily drink to their success.
EST. SHOT BINION'S HORSESHOE CASINO — NIGHT
An insert reads: TWELVE YEARS LATER We hear Brian’s VOICE.
The words come with amazing speed.
BRIAN (O.S.)
Where you from, kid? Kansas?
KID #1 (O.S.)
California.
DISSOLVE INTO:
INT. BINION'S HORSESHOE CASINO, PUBLIC REST ROOM
ROLL TITLES
BRIAN ZEMBIC — 34 now, still wearing the Winnie the Pooh
baseball cap — SHUFFLES a deck of cards, one-handed, at
shoulder level.
Brian is a compact, rapid-fire speaking, ball of energy
with the enthusiasm and emotional maturity of a 12 yearold and the charisma of a successful con man. He knows
more slight of hand tricks than most magicians, can count
a four deck shoe of cards in his head and is, strangely
enough, a world-class ping pong player.
When he walks, he moves with the attractive confidence of
a man who knows his business, which, in Brian's case, is
gambling - professional, not compulsive.
FIVE GUYS stand around the bathroom, watching him. One,
not interested, has his back to us, peeing.
Jackie
page —
Rolex.
nearly
calls,
Townsend leans against a wall next to a calendar
JUNE 4. Jackie has gotten slick. Hugo Boss suit.
The works. He wears one of those hands-free,
invisible phones that he uses to fire off non-stop
although we cannot hear the details.
BRIAN
You got that Kansas look about you.
KID #1
Tarzana, California.
BRIAN
Okay, Tarzana. When I rifle the
cards, you tell me when to stop.
He rifles the deck too quickly for the kid to stop him
before he’s gone through the whole deck.
KID #1
Stop!
Kid #2, off to the side, LAUGHS, like this is real funny.
BRIAN
(To Kid #2)
Does his mother know where he is?
He rifles again.
KID #1
Stop!
Brian stops on a card. He shows the jack of spades to the
crowd, but Brian himself can’t see it. Brian shuffles it
back into the deck. He shuffles the cards twice, talking
non-stop.
BRIAN
I knew a girl from Tarzana once,
had an IUD that picked up radio
signals.
I went down and Bon Jovi’s coming out of her cooch.
He turns the cards over one at a time.
BRIAN
You don’t know her, do you? Tall
girl. Large breasts.
He stops on the three of diamonds.
BRIAN
Is this your card?
He shows the crowd the three of diamonds. The Kid smirks.
KID #1
Hell, no.
BRIAN
What’s that you’re standing on?
The Kid looks confused.
BRIAN
Are you trying to screw up my
trick, kid? Move your foot and show
us what you’re hiding.
The Kid lifts his shoe to expose the jack of spades.
BRIAN
Is that the card you chose?
The Crowd APPLAUDS.
BRIAN
Show ’em that trick in Kansas kid.
DISSOLVE TO
INT. CASINO BATHROOM — JUNE
Brian is doing coin tricks for a crowd of ten or so,
including two hookers, ROXANNA AND EBONY. He makes a small
coin large, a large coin into three.
Jackie and D.D. (the dealer from the original MGM scam,
first scene) are also there hanging out on a back wall
watching their friend Brian.
BRIAN
What’s your name, honey? You look
cute, I’ll bet your name is
Charisse.
ROXANNA
Roxanna.
Brian puts a handkerchief on a coin and lifts it,
revealing a mouse.
BRIAN
You work at the casino here?
Ebony SNORT/LAUGHS.
EBONY
We’re hostesses, out at the Lone
Wolf Ranch.
Brian’s eyes light up.
BRIAN
Uh-oh, professionals. We don’t get
many working girls in this
bathroom.
Check your underwear there, Roxanna.
She reaches into her panties and pulls out a hundred
dollar bill.
ROXANNA
How’d -The crowd goes wild.
DISSOLVE TO
INT. BATHROOM — JUNE
Brian bounces from toe to toe playing Ping Pong against
the back wall. A MAN washing his hands looks at him in
disgust.
DISGUSTED MAN
You wouldn’t catch me staying in a
public bathroom thirty days, just
to win twenty five grand from a
casino.
BRIAN
If everyone wanted to be me, it’d
be crowded in here, now wouldn’t
it?
DISGUSTED MAN
You’re crazy.
BRIAN
You think so? I really value your
opinion on this. If you think I’m
crazy, then, gosh, maybe I am.
The Man stalks out of the bathroom, angry.
BRIAN
Idiot.
Jackie walks in talking on his cell phone. He motions a
"hello" to Brian as he unzips in front of a urinal.
JACKIE
(into cell phone)
Yep. Tuesday. J.A.L. from Tokyo.
Full load. All plus rated.
BRIAN
I’m cracking up here, Jackie. You
got to talk to somebody; get me out
of here.
WALTER RYKER sticks his head in the door. Now 35, and even
fatter, Walter is dressed in a suit only "Paulie Walnuts"
could love. Classic New Yorker, accent and all. He sweats
profusely.
WALTER
I got three-to-one on Idaho taking
Miss Congeniality.
BRIAN
Wait till it hits four.
WALTER
Right.
He ducks back out.
JACKIE
(into cell phone)
We're on for the 25th. The bus'll
be there.
CLICKing the phone shut JACKIE
I told you they'd have gone for
fifteen days.
BRIAN
Thirty sounded more dramatic at the
time.
JACKIE
One more week and you’re king of
the crapper.
BRIAN
You wouldn't believe the number of
guys who don't flush.
A cell phone BUZZES and they both answer. It's Brian's.
JACKIE
You want me to send in a girl?
BRIAN
(to Jackie)
Please. I can get my own.
(into phone)
D.D., my man, I need a driver’s
license number. Roxanna Atterbury.
(beat)
How the hell should I know?
INT. BATHROOM -- VERY LATE AT NIGHT
Brian paces crazily. He doesn’t have anything to do, no
one to entertain. Suddenly, he’s not enjoying himself.
INT. BATHROOM JUNE
Brian flirts with the two professionals, Roxanna and
Ebony.
As he talks, he holds his right hand up and appears to
pull off his index finger.
BRIAN
Tell you what, Roxanna, I’ll bet
you fifty bucks against a hand job
that I can guess the last three
numbers on your driver’s license.
ROXANNA
How could you know that?
Brian holds his left hand out, palm forward. There is no
longer a ring finger.
BRIAN
I’m a psychic, privy to the
knowledge of God and his angels.
Come on. Fifty bucks against a hand
job.
Roxanna and Ebony exchange a dubious look. Brian’s left
hand thumb appears on the right side of his left hand
pinkie.
SMASH CUT TO:
INT. BATHROOM - STALL DOOR
SILENCE. Then, HYSTERICAL LAUGHTER from Roxanna (O.S.).
Then BRIAN __(O.S.)
Thar she blows!
More LAUGHTER.
SMASH CUT TO:
INT. BINIONS CASINO -- MORNING
TWO LINES OF FANS have formed on both sides of the
bathroom door. Brian dances out dressed in a satin boxer's
robe. The back is brightly beaded in the design of the
American Flag.
Underneath are embroidered words that read: Brian Zembic,
King of the Crapper. The crowd APPLAUDS AND CHEERS WILDLY.
Brian holds his hands over his head, like a champion.
BRIAN
Thank you, little people. Thank
you.
At the end of the twin lines, Jackie stands beside a table
piled high with cash. A banner on the table reads:
BINION'S HOTEL & CASINO — and in slightly smaller letters:
30 DAYS IN THE CAN. Two ACCOUNTANT TYPES sit behind the
table, watching the money.
Brian accepts the crowd's adulation. Jackie leans into
him.
JACKIE
(Quietly)
They've floated the offer of
another month, double or nothing.
BRIAN
Not on your life.
JACKIE
Quitter.
BRIAN
Pimp.
JACKIE
Loser.
BRIAN
(faking pain)
Ouch.
SMASH CUT TO:
INT. GENERIC BAR -- LATER
Jackie, Brian, Walter, D.D, Sammy and Steve toast again.
This time to Brian's victory. They're all twelve years
older than they were when they hit the MGM, but apparently
not much wiser. Together with Brian, these are the boys.
They see themselves as the Rat Pack 2004.
EVERYONE
(chanting)
Boom, chaka laka laka. Boom, chaka
laka laka, Boom, chaka laka laka,
Boom!
INT. GROCERY STORE -- DAY
Brian, is in the produce section. He obviously has no
clue.
His cart is loaded with frozen foods and "Cheez Whiz".
OFF BRIAN’S LOOK, An attractive woman (27, jogging suit)
picks through zucchinis on the produce aisle. This is
KATRINA SCOTT.
BRIAN
What’s your name, honey? You look
cute, I’ll bet your name is
Charisse.
Katrina stares at him like he’s a wharf rat.
BRIAN
Remember me? Nineteen ninety-three
-you gave me a lap dance in Baltimore.
KATRINA
I would give a hundred dollars for
a can of Mace right now.
BRIAN
Give me your bag there.
Before she can react, he takes her purse, opens it, and
stuffs in a bundle of celery stalks.
BRIAN
I never forget beauty. I’ve seen
you naked somewhere, I’m sure of
it.
Are you an actress?
KATRINA
I’ve known some forgettable geeks
in my time...
As they talk, he throws turnips into the purse, then a
tomato.
BRIAN
You make a goat sound when you fake
an orgasm, right?
KATRINA
Baaaa.
BRIAN
That’s it.
KATRINA
Not me.
He closes the purse, shakes it, and hands it back to her.
BRIAN
Tossed salad.
She opens the purse and looks in. It is empty of
vegetables.
BRIAN
Check your underwear there,
Charisse.
She pulls a single one dollar bill out of her panties.
Brian's rant comes to a halt. Brian is lost - it's
supposed to be a hundred dollar bill.
BRIAN
What's that?
KATRINA
Gee whiz, how'd this get here?
BRIAN
How did that get there?
Katrina drops the dollar into his hand. She walks away.
With her back to Brian, she sneaks a hand to her panties
and pulls out his hundred. Katrina smiles to herself as
she leaves.
The PRODUCE MANAGER is suddenly behind Brian.
PRODUCE MANAGER
(to Brian)
You’re paying for the celery.
HOLD on a flabbergasted Brian.
EXT. PASSAGEWAY - BUDGET SUITES MOTEL -- NIGHT
Brian walks down the dingy ext/int corridor carrying his
groceries. He stops in front of a door. The door next to
his opens to reveal Walter.
Brian is much less "Brian" now that he's away from the
crowds.
WALTER
Idaho lost. They gave it to Miss
New York. What're the odds of a New
York chick winning Miss
Congeniality?
BRIAN
Hey, Walter.
They both know what's coming.
BRIAN
You broke?
WALTER
Just for the night.
tomorrow.
I'll be back
Brian takes out a bundle of money, peels off Five $100
bills and hands them to Walter.
WALTER
Thanks, brother.
INT. BRIAN’S KITCHENETTE MOTEL ROOM -- CONTINUOUS
The room is neat and spare, like a room someone has lived
in a week or so and plans to leave soon.
Brian walks in, puts his groceries in the refrigerator,
which contains a bottle of beer, several orange pops and
two containers of bean dip. Brian pulls the wad of cash
from his front pocket and hides it under the stove lid,
next to an old roll of twenties.
He takes the bottle of beer from the refrigerator and,
without opening it, puts the bottle into the microwave and
punches five minutes.
Then he settles into his chair to watch the beer go round
and round. Idly, he pulls a stalk of celery from his sack
and munches. He reaches deeper into the sack and finds
Katrina's
drivers license. He looks at her photo and name a while -KATRINA SCOTT -- then back at the circling beer.
INT. MCCARRAN INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT, BAGGAGE CLAIM -- DAY
We're close on Jackie and Brian as they walk through the
mass of humanity that makes up the Vegas airport.
BRIAN
You think a man could watch 48
hours of porn videos and still get
a hard-on?
JACKIE
Lesbo?
BRIAN
Straight. Steve's wife says I'd get
so nauseated from all the money
shots that I wouldn't be able to
get it up.
JACKIE
She willing to lay money on that?
BRIAN
Already asked her. She said no. I
might try it anyway.
Jackie pulls out a WHISTLE and blows. Loudly. He raises a
tiny JAPANESE flag over his head. We pull back to reveal
Jackie standing in front of a group of 20 or so very
wealthy looking JAPANESE MEN and WOMEN.
JACKIE
(shouts in Japanese)
If you will follow me, I will guide
you to the complimentary party bus,
then on to your fabulous Las Vegas
vacation.
Jackie - his flag held high - and Brian start off through
the congestion followed by the Japanese tour group.
INT. PARTY BUS -- MOMENTS LATER
Inside what used to be a large touring bus, Jackie has
ripped out most of the seats and turned the bus into a
lounge. In front are video poker machines. In the middle
is a lounge/dance area, And in the back is the bar. Sammy
drives with Jackie in the jump seat. Brian stands by the
door.
Behind them, we see the Japanese tourists drinking
cocktails and playing video poker. Walter is the
bartender.
JACKIE
(to Brian)
I've heard about this guy named
Floyd Anders. Thinks he’s God’s
gift to the Ping Pong ball.
BRIAN
(interested)
Oh, yeah? Has he heard of me?
JACKIE
(sarcastic)
Yeah, Brian, he read about you in
the Vegas tour guide. I want you to
throw the match.
Brian grimaces.
JACKIE
Keep it close. Twenty-one nineteen.
But make him think your points are dumb luck.
BRIAN
What's the point?
JACKIE
Knowing when to lose is as
important as knowing how to win.
BRIAN
That attitude is why I'm a winner
and you're not.
JACKIE
Give me a fuckin' break. You don't
see me living at the Budget suites.
You'll be eating frozen bean burritos and getting five
dollar hand jobs your whole life.
BRIAN
Fuck you.
JACKIE
Exactly.
Brian thinks about turning this argument up a notch. But
as Sammy turns the bus into the Flamingo, he decides to
keep it light.
BRIAN
Where you getting handies for five
bucks?
INT. MERCURY GYM, SECOND FLOOR — DAY
Katrina talks on her cell phone while she works out on the
Stairmaster. Skin glistening with sweat, she wears an
outfit that's practical, but obviously meant to be sexy.
KATRINA
(into cell phone)
They fucking canceled! See if Kiss
can do a second night.
She listens one more moment, then, punches END as Brian
charges through the door.
BRIAN
Hi, Katrina. Have you seen a
hundred dollar bill? I lost it
somewhere.
KATRINA
Where's my driver's license?
Brian pulls her driver’s license out of his back pocket.
BRIAN
You dropped it, in the produce
section. I found it on the floor.
The Stairmaster automatically kicks into a higher gear.
Their dialogue speeds up proportionately.
KATRINA
Bullshit.
BRIAN
I'm a liar?
KATRINA
Add cliché to the list and you’ve
pretty much nailed yourself.
BRIAN
Now that hurts. You don’t even know
anything about me. Yet, I know
about you.
KATRINA
Of course you do.
BRIAN
You lease a 2003 BMW 3 series.
You're the vice-president of
marketing at the Hard Rock. You
weigh 123 pounds.
KATRINA
Watch it.
BRIAN
You don't even know my name.
Katrina stops suddenly.
KATRINA
I know your type.
She dismounts and rubs her arms and shoulders with a white
towel.
KATRINA
You live in a fleabag motel to save
money for blackjack.
CUTAWAY - BRIAN'S FACE
KATRINA
You gamble fourteen hours a day.
You think tourist is an Italian word meaning sucker.
You’ll cheat casinos but won’t cheat friends, although if
you can do it fairly, you’ll take every cent they have.
BRIAN
That was easy. Go for something
harder.
Katrina throws the towel across her shoulders.
KATRINA
You love sex but you haven't
brought a woman to orgasm since you
fingered your date on prom night.
BRIAN
Brian Zembic.
Brian holds out his hand for a handshake. Katrina ignores
his gesture.
KATRINA
Is that supposed to mean something?
BRIAN
It’s Two for Tuesday at Fat Burger.
Can I buy you a double cheese?
KATRINA
No.
She grabs her driver's license and walks into the women’s
dressing room. Brian just stares after her, smitten.
INT. PING PONG PARLOR — EVENING
Brian warms up with Jackie. Brian is at his peak form of
high strung twitchiness.
JACKIE
So, this new fantasy woman of
yours, is she a dealer or showgirl?
BRIAN
Every woman I meet does not have to
be a card dealer or a showgirl.
JACKIE
Hooker?
FLOYD ANDERS enters, dressed in designer exercise-wear and
two hundred dollar running shoes.
BRIAN
No, she isn’t a hooker; she's in
marketing.
JACKIE
Big difference.
Floyd carries an ornate Ping Pong paddle case, which he
UNZIPS.
FLOYD
(to Jackie)
Is this your boy?
(to Brian)
Jackie says you’re the hottest
player in Nevada.
BRIAN
Hell, Jackie, there goes my element
of surprise.
FLOYD
I don’t see that as much of a
challenge. I’m the best player in
Miami.
Floyd goes into a stretching ritual. Brian and Jackie just
watch.
FLOYD
Let’s see what you’re made of,
champ.
BRIAN
Should we rally?
Floyd shakes his head.
FLOYD
Nope. You serve.
They ready themselves, eyeing one another for a beat,
then...Brian serves a lightning strike. Floyd lunges, gets
some paddle on the ball, but not enough.
BRIAN
One-oh.
Jackie gives Brian a stern look. Brian gets the message.
His next serve is into the net.
FLOYD
One - one.
JUMP CUT TO:
INT. PING PONG PARLOR — AN HOUR LATER
Brian AND Floyd are in the midst of a mad rally. Brian
misses on a wicked forehand. Floyd nods in grim
satisfaction.
FLOYD
Twenty — eighteen. Game point.
(beat)
If you’re the best in the West, I
may have to go back East to find a
decent game.
Brian looks at Jackie. Jackie smiles and makes the sign of
money with his hands. Brian rolls his eyes. Floyd serves a
burning shot that Brian lunges for. He barely gets his
paddle on it and the return catches the edge of the table
by all of a centimeter.
FLOYD
Fuck! You are the luckiest dumb
bastard I’ve ever seen. You should
come by my casino; with your luck
it might be hours before we cleaned
you out.
Brian freezes.
BRIAN
Your casino?
He glances at Jackie, who is suddenly alert, sensing
trouble.
BRIAN
What casino is that?
FLOYD
The Thunderbird down on Fremont.
JACKIE
Didn’t I tell you? Floyd here
married into a casino.
FLOYD
It was a fucking dump when I took
control, but with my game plan, we
should be a major player in less
than a year.
Floyd serves. Brian SMASHES a return.
BRIAN
Twenty-twenty.
JACKIE
(a warning)
Uh, Brian.
Brian doesn’t look at Jackie. Instead, he serves. They
rally furiously. Brian puts all kinds of chop spin on a
shot, which Floyd returns into the net.
BRIAN
Game point.
Floyd is visibly nervous. He studies the table and serves
with everything he's got. WHAP! Brian blasts his return
past Floyd.
BRIAN
Game!
EXT. PING PONG PARLOR — NIGHT
Jackie and Brian stop out front. Brian avoids Jackie's
gaze.
JACKIE
You don't get it do you!
BRIAN
He owns a casino.
JACKIE
All you had to do was blow it
tonight and we’d have ripped his
golden dick out next time.
Floyd comes out, zipping up his paddle case. He brushes
past them without a word. Jackie watches his mark fade
away.
BRIAN
Nobody wins money by losing it.
JACKIE
(shouts)
You ever hear of the big picture!
Brian is stunned by Jackie’s intensity. Jackie is truly
upset.
BRIAN
Jesus, I’m sorry. But I think I
pissed him off enough that he'll
want a rematch.
JACKIE
Classic Zembic strategy.
BRIAN
D.D.’s in a game over at the
Stardust tomorrow night around
midnight.
What do you say we go over and I’ll throw some hands your
way. Nothing like a little cash flow to ease a
disappointment.
Jackie walks toward his BMW without a word.
EXT. EXECUTIVE PARKING LOT - HARD ROCK HOTEL & CASINO EVENING
Katrina (in full business suit) walks with purpose. Brian
is about a half a step behind her.
BRIAN
You’re not giving me a chance here.
KATRINA
You're picking up on that.
BRIAN
Let’s try it this way, I’ll make a
wager with you. You go out with me
KATRINA
Lost me right there.
BRIAN
We go out together, and if you’re
not in love with me — head over
heels, bells ringing, earth-moving
in love with me by the end of three
months, you win.
Katrina reaches her car.
KATRINA
Look, I know you're a fuck up, and
you're obviously an entertaining
fuck up. Normally that might be
enough, but right now I'm having a
really bad day and I just don’t
feel up to boy-girl mating rituals.
BRIAN
One hundred thousand.
KATRINA
What.
BRIAN
Dollars.
KATRINA
What?
BRIAN
That's how much I'm willing to
wager that you'll fall for me
within three months.
KATRINA
And what am I putting up?
BRIAN
If I win the bet, you have my baby.
KATRINA
Oh, piss off.
BRIAN
Where's your sense of sport?
Katrina stares at Brian for a moment, then she fires back
at him.
KATRINA
One date per week. Wednesdays.
Alternating choice of venue.
Brian is momentarily stunned. He can't believe she went
for it. Then BRIAN
You're on.
KATRINA
I'll have a contract drawn up
tomorrow.
BRIAN
You don't think I'm good for it?
KATRINA
You've got three months.
BRIAN
What about tonight.
KATRINA
What about it?
BRIAN
It's Wednesday.
Katrina thinks for a split second.
CLOSE UP. BRIAN'S EYES. -- LATER
Brian eyes are wide, and I mean WIDE open. He's scared.
EXT. STRATOSPHERE HOTEL TOWER, TOP FLOOR — CONTINUOUS
Brian and Katrina are on the BIG SHOT ride. It's at it's
peak. Then, without warning, it plunges down. All four G's
showing on Brian's face.
EXT. STRATOSPHERE HOTEL, FRONT ENTRANCE -- LATER
Katrina exits the hotel, happy as a lark. Brian stumbles
out, his cockiness left somewhere between his stomach and
throat.
KATRINA
See you next week.
He looks at her in awe. She walks away. Hold on Brian, who
knows he’s in trouble.
BRIAN
Fuck me.
INT. STARDUST HALLWAY
Jackie and Brian exit an elevator and walk down a hallway.
JACKIE
No shit!
BRIAN
Broads never take that bet. If all
goes well, I score a quick "handy."
But they never buy into the bet.
JACKIE
I ain't bankrolling you on this
one.
BRIAN
C'mon Jackie. Butch and Sundance.
JACKIE
Not this one. You got yourself into
this mess on your own.
BRIAN
I gotta tell you, though. She's
different than my usual chi-chi.
JACKIE
She's got a full set of teeth?
INT. STARDUST POKER ROOM — 3 AM
The entire gang is here. Sammy deals to Brian, Jackie,
Walter, D.D., and Steve Jordan.
The new man at the table is DR. STERLING BANNISTER, 52,
British, thin, graying hair, horn-rimmed glasses, smart
suit.
The game is Seven Card Stud and has been going on for two
hours. BABETTE KREVINS is the game’s personal hostess,
bringing drinks and extra chips, emptying ash trays, etc.
She’s a blond with fairly big breasts.
Brian constantly shuffles his chips, moving them back and
forth, rearranging the piles; his fingers are always on
the go. Jackie WHISTLES a lone, tuneless melody, which
brings on occasional dirty looks from Dr. Bannister. The
game is played continuously through the rapid-fire,
overlapping dialogue.
BRIAN
So I bet this offensive lineman
from Texas Tech fifty bucks he
couldn't drink a Frisbee full of
beer in ten minutes.
(to Babette)
Hey, honey, how about bringing me
four shots of espresso in a mug.
D.D.
How much beer fits in a Frisbee?
JACKIE
Sixty ounces.
BRIAN
And I'll be fucked if the lineman
doesn't do it. Sixty fuckin'
ounces.
I've never lost that action in my life.
WALTER
So you lost the bet?
JACKIE
(to Jordan)
Yo, E.T. don't you have to phone
home?
JORDAN
I told Moan I'd be home by 11.
JACKIE
It's 3.
Jack slides a phone to Jordan. The players look at their
cards. Dr. BANNISTER is the only serious one at the table.
It's his bet.
DR. BANNISTER
Five hundred.
The guys toss in the appropriate chips. In the b.g. we
hear Jordan mumbling to his wife.
BRIAN
The guy killed 60 ounces of Blue
Ribbon in nine minutes, 50 seconds,
(beat)
then he threw it all up, in the
Frisbee.
WALTER
So you won the bet.
BRIAN
I gave the kid twenty for effort.
Card play continues, the players ad-lib bets and passes.
DR. BANNISTER
Are you people playing poker or
trying out an act?
BRIAN
This is just a friendly poker game.
Lighten up.
DR. BANNISTER
I have to be at the office in three
hours, and I'd like to play another
hand before then.
Brian and Jackie exchange a look. Sammy deals the next
hand — two cards down.
BRIAN
What is it you do, doctor, besides
ream us poor suckers in the wee
hours.
D.D.
Dr. Bannister is a flesh cutter.
WALTER
Autopsies?
Sammy deals the first round of cards face up.
DR. BANNISTER
I'm a surgeon. Tummy tucks.
Liposuction.
BRIAN
You’re a boob man.
DR. BANNISTER
Primarily, yes.
JACKIE
How much to make Walter here a
super-model?
DR. BANNISTER
It's not impossible.
WALTER
C'mon.
BRIAN
I knew a stripper, had a job and
the bags broke. She ended up with
her nipple on her hip.
Babette delivers Brian’s espresso mug. Her breasts are
close to his ear.
BABETTE
Sterling did mine.
JACKIE
Sterling?
She nods at Dr. Bannister.
DR. BANNISTER
Babette is one of my finest
creations.
Show the boys your tits, Babette.
She LAUGHS, like a good sport, but doesn’t show them her
tits.
BRIAN
Was it worth it?
BABETTE
I was barely making seventy five a
night at the two dollar blackjack
tables before I got these. Now I
hostess for you high roller
gentlemen and take home much...
(beat)
...much more.
D.D.
All on account of your tits?
BABETTE
Yep.
UP CARDS, Dr. Bannister has two queens; Jackie, a two and
nine of different suits; Brian, Walter, Jordan and D.D.
nothing to brag about. As this dialogue unfolds, Dr.
Bannister bets aggressively, driving the pot up. Jackie
and Brian's bumps are lighter, but bumps nevertheless.
BRIAN
How much does a boob job cost?
DR. BANNISTER
I'm Five. Plus the hospital.
JACKIE
You work on men?
Dr. Bannister concentrates on his cards, his upper lip
slick with sweat. D.D., Walter and Jordan quickly fold.
DR. BANNISTER
You’d be amazed at the number of
straight guys who want pectoral
enlargements.
D.D.
Like "The Rock" without the working
out?
The sixth card is dealt, face up. Dr. Bannister smiles.
BRIAN
(folds)
That is truly sick.
DR. BANNISTER
It’s healthier than steroids.
Brian nervously shuffles his chips. He has them stacked in
two parallel lines, aimed at Dr. Bannister’s queens.
BRIAN
I wouldn’t let you cut me for ten
thousand dollars.
SAMMY
How much would you take to get
implants?
BRIAN
Tits or pecs?
SAMMY
Tits.
BRIAN
How big?
WALTER
Big as mine.
JACKIE
Now that is sick.
Babette is emptying Dr. Bannister’s ash tray.
JORDAN
Big as Babette’s.
BRIAN
How big are those mama’s, Babette?
Before Babette can answer -DR.
BANNISTER
Thirty-eight D. Are we playing
poker or not?
Brian studies Babette’s breasts.
D.D.
You couldn’t get ’em and take ’em
out the next week. Have to keep ’em
for a year.
Dr. Bannister throws a thousand dollars in chips into the
pile.
DR. BANNISTER
I raise.
Jackie doesn’t even look to see how much Dr. Bannister put
in.
JACKIE
Call.
As Sammy deals the last card. Dr. Bannister does his best
poker face — which isn’t all that good. Jackie checks his
hole card.
BRIAN
Okay.
DR. BANNISTER
Okay, what?
BRIAN
(thinks)
I think it's worth a hundred grand.
BABETTE
Are you kidding?
BRIAN
Why not, it's just tits.
WALTER
I'm in for Twenty G just to see it.
D.D.
Count me in. Twenty.
SAMMY
Twenty.
They all look at Jordan. He nods; he's in.
JORDAN
Mona's gonna to kill me.
DR. BANNISTER
This is how you guys play poker?
It's too late for this bullshit. He shoves all his chips
into the monumental pile.
DR. BANNISTER
Ten thousand, more or less. How
about it, smart guy?
JACKIE
You must have more than one queen
under there. But...I see your ten
and I raise you.... Twenty-five...
(beat)
G.
JORDAN
Oh my.
Dr. Bannister stares at Jackie, blank-faced.
DR. BANNISTER
You know I'm out of cash.
JACKIE
Are you in doctor?
DR. BANNISTER
I'm good for it.
It's getting tense.
JACKIE
We don't usually hold accounts, but
I'll make you a deal. You win, the
money on the table is yours. You
lose, you give Brian the most
perfect tits you've ever seen.
Everyone's watching Dr. Bannister. He thinks about it. The
table is quiet, tense.
DR. BANNISTER
Call.
Jackie shows his cards — two kings and a two in the hole,
giving him a full house. Dr. Bannister flips over his hole
cards, and sure enough - three queens...and a losing hand.
Jackie gathers up Dr. Bannister's money.
Dr. Bannister stands up in disgust. He takes out a
business card and flips it at Brian.
DR. BANNISTER
Call my office.
Dr. Bannister walks out.
WALTER
Think he's ever going to play with
us again?
BRIAN
(counts in his head)
I'm still short twenty grand.
Brian gets very close to Jackie, nudging him.
BRIAN
Jackie? C'mon, you know damn well
who held the other queen.
JACKIE
I'm in.
Brian gets up and does a little "Brian" dance.
BRIAN
(singing)
I'm getting boobies! Yaboos! Cans!
INT. DR. BANNISTER’S WAITING ROOM -- DAY
FOUR PATIENTS — THREE WOMEN AND A TALL TRANSSEXUAL — sit
on couches and chairs around the walls, reading old
magazines.
The FEMALE RECEPTIONIST works behind a desk off to the
side.
Everyone is bored to tears.
The door opens and Brian crosses to the receptionist.
BRIAN
I want....breasts.
She looks confused
BRIAN
You know -- Dolly Parton. Pamela
Anderson. Sumo wrestlers. I want
boobies!
RECEPTIONIST
I’m sure you will enjoy them.
BRIAN
And I’m straight!
RECEPTIONIST
You must be Mr. Zembic.
Brian eyes the three women and the transsexual.
BRIAN
I’m not like these people.
The Receptionist gives him a "Yeah, right" look.
BRIAN
I’m normal.
INT. DR. BANNISTER’S WAITING ROOM — MOMENTS LATER
Brian sits crammed on the couch between TWO WOMEN and a
TRANSSEXUAL. He is wide awake. And high strung. We catch
up to him mid conversation.
BRIAN
Let's say you're out, having a fine
old time, and you meet a nice
straight guy with boobs. Would you
date him?
WOMAN #1
How big?
BRIAN
Nice size, I guess.
WOMAN #2
I don’t know . . .
THE TRANSSEXUAL
I’d date him in a heartbeat.
WOMAN #2
It'd be kinda sexy.
BRIAN
Really?
WOMAN #1
I think he’d understand women's
frustrations.
THE TRANSSEXUAL
You want frustration, walk a mile
in my pumps.
BRIAN
Let me try the breasts first.
INT DR. BANNISTER’S EXAMINATION ROOM — DAY
Brian sits on the end of Dr. Bannister’s examining table
in nothing but his boxer shorts while DR. Bannister takes
measurements of Brian’s chest. Brian is nervous; more than
nervous, he's frightened. Having boobs is one thing, but
the process of getting them gives him the heebie-jeebies.
DR. BANNISTER
I recommend we slice in through the
armpit.
Brian winces at the word slice.
BRIAN
I’d really like to do this without
pain.
DR. BANNISTER
We could go through the nipple, if
you prefer, but the nipple entry
causes a loss of sensitivity.
BRIAN
Do I need a sensitive tit?
Dr. Bannister pushes skin from side to side.
DR. BANNISTER
Do you prefer silicone or saline?
BRIAN
Isn’t silicone against the law?
DR. BANNISTER
Is legality an issue for you?
BRIAN
You think they’ll flop? I hate
floppy jugs.
DR. BANNISTER
My breasts never flop.
He pulls on Brian’s tit, embarrassing the hell out of
Brian.
DR. BANNISTER
There will be some initial
tenderness, and you’ll continue to
feel minor discomfort until the
skin stretches.
You have no elasticity at all.
As Dr. Bannister puts away his instruments -DR.
BANNISTER
We can go under the muscle or over.
Over is best for size, but under
gives a more natural look.
Brian gives Dr. Bannister this what-am-I,-stupid look.
Dr.
Bannister stares at Brian’s chest.
DR. BANNISTER
Over then.
BRIAN
Will I need to shave afterwards?
DR. BANNISTER
Shave what?
BRIAN
My chest. Will I need to shave my
chest or will the hair just not
grow back?
DR. BANNISTER
Do you shave your chest now?
BRIAN
No. But I’m hairy. Won’t big boobs
look weird all hairy?
As Dr. Bannister finishes putting away his instruments DR.
BANNISTER
If I were you, I wouldn't concern
myself with looking weird.
INT. DENNY’S — DAY
Brian sits kind of hunched over in a booth talking on his
cell phone. He's visibly shaken.
JACKIE (V.O.)
When?
BRIAN
Tomorrow. 8 AM.
JACKIE (V.O.)
You're shittin' me. Tomorrow? Yeah,
I'll take you.
Brian hangs up, thinks for a second and dials another
number.
KATRINA (O.S.)
Katrina Scott.
BRIAN
Katrina, it’s Brian - don’t hang
up.
INTERCUT KATRINA on her office headset
KATRINA
I’m busy Brian. What do you want?
She paces the office while they talk.
BRIAN
About Wednesday's date...
KATRINA
You're canceling.
BRIAN
No. Well maybe. I don't know yet.
Let me ask you something.
KATRINA
No strip clubs. No porn. No River
Dance. Read the contract, dip shit.
BRIAN
(interrupts her)
Just shut up a second.
No one tells Katrina to shut up. She actually does.
BRIAN
You might be the only honest person
I know. I need your opinion. Did
you ever have to do something you
were scared to do, but you had to
do it anyway, cause you told
yourself you’re a hopeless nobody
if you don’t?
KATRINA
Every day.
BRIAN
Yeah, so, how do you do it?
KATRINA
You gotta be kidding.
BRIAN
I need your help here.
Pause.
KATRINA
Fine, here's how I look at the
deal.
Someday, I will be too old to dance
and sing, then pretty soon after
that, I'll be dead meat on a slab,
so I say, Fuck it, Katrina. Kick
ass while you can still lift your
leg.
(beat)
Does that answer your question?
BRIAN
Yes.
KATRINA
Now, leave me alone.
He hangs up. HOLD on Brian’s face.
INT. BRIAN'S KITCHENETTE MOTEL ROOM -- NIGHT
Brian sits alone, bare chested, looking at himself in the
mirror. He looks worried. He squeezes his breast.
INT. DR. BANNISTER'S POST-OP WAITING ROOM -- MORNING
The RAT PACK is here en masse. Walter, Sammy and Steve
watch Wheel of Fortune on the overhead TV. Jackie and
D.D. stand near a coffee machine. A couple of other PEOPLE
sit in various stages of nerves and boredom.
D.D.
It's a bluff. He'll never go
through with it.
JACKIE
He made out a will.
SAMMY
A thousand says he chickens out.
WALTER
You're on.
NURSE ZELDA comes in from the operating area. She crosses
to our group.
NURSE ZELDA
He says you can buy him out - fifty
thousand and he won't do it.
D.D.
It may not be a bad idea.
Sammy grins an "I-told-you-so" at Walter.
JACKIE
(not unfriendly)
Fuck him. No boobs, no money.
NURSE ZELDA
In that case, he wants to see a
deposit slip.
Jackie smiles and starts for his jacket pocket.
CLOSE UP - BANK DEPOSIT SLIP -- MOMENTS LATER
The deposit slip clearly reads $100,000.00 that has been
put into an escrow account.
BRIAN (V.O.)
Fuck me.
INT. OPERATING ROOM -- CONTINUOUS
Brian lies on the operating table. His chest is covered
with an operating blanket. NURSE ZELDA holds out the
deposit slip for him to see.
The ANESTHESIOLOGIST putters with Brian’s IV. Two INTERNS
prep equipment. Dr. Bannister enters dressed for
operating.
He walks over and checks Brian’s vitals.
DR. BANNISTER
Good morning, Mr. Zembic. How are
we feeling today?
BRIAN
Tell me the honest truth, Doc, did
you cheat your way through med
school?
The Anesthesiologist snickers.
BRIAN
(to
Anesthesiologist)
I've seen him play poker.
The Anesthesiologist turns a lever on the IV, releasing
drops of fentanyl into Brian’s arm.
DR. BANNISTER
Let's talk about the poker game the
other night.
BRIAN
Yeah?
DR. BANNISTER
That last hand. I showed two
queens, but your man Jackie seemed
to know I only had one in the hole.
Dr. Bannister stands over Brian holding his scalpel,
menacingly.
DR. BANNISTER
How exactly did he know?
Brian's eyes grow rounder. He looks at the
Anesthesiologist, who is no help. Brian is becoming more
stoned by the second.
DR. BANNISTER
The level of your post surgical
pain is directly dependent on an
honest answer.
Brian's vision blurs us into a FADE OUT.
INT. RECOVERY ROOM -- LATER
Brian awakens with a start. At first, he can't remember
where he is. He GROANS. His eyes show nothing but hurt.
Slowly, with much agony, his arm comes up and touches his
chest. PAIN! Nurse Zelda hits the morphine release button
on Brian's I.V. and he drifts back to sleep.
INT. RECOVERY ROOM -- 3 HOURS LATER.
Brian bed is cranked to a sitting position. Nurse Zelda is
taking Brian’s pulse. There is an old LIBERACE type,
facelift patient in the other bed. His face is completely
covered in bandages, but he still wears lots of gold
jewelry. Brian is still in pain, but braving it much
better. He has a stack of saltine crackers in one hand, a
stopwatch in the other.
Nurse Zelda opens her mouth wide and sticks her tongue out
flat. Brian, with pain, pops a cracker onto her tongue.
BRIAN
Six.
Zelda chews frantically.
BRIAN
Anyway, this woman. I like her.
She doesn’t like me but I want her to. Technically, I need
her to.
LIBERACE
Buy her a dozen daffodils and
she’ll fall in love with you.
BRIAN
What is that, forty, fifty bucks?
LIBERACE
Believe me. Flowers are the direct
route to a woman’s heart.
BRIAN
Her heart isn’t the part of her I
had in mind.
LIBERACE
Once you own her heart, the other
parts will follow.
Zelda sticks her tongue out again. Brian pops in another
cracker.
BRIAN
Seven. This is great. I’ve never
seen anyone do seven in a minute
before.
(to Zelda)
You think flowers will make Katrina
like me?
Zelda nods vigorously, still chewing.
BRIAN
Time!
Brian hits the button on the stop watch.
ZELDA
(mouth full)
I win.
BRIAN
Sorry, no.
ZELDA
You said I couldn’t eat seven
crackers in a minute.
BRIAN
Eat means swallow.
(to Liberace)
Doesn’t eat mean swallow? Anybody
can stuff seven crackers in their
mouth.
The door opens and Jackie enters, followed by MONIQUE, a
thousand dollar paramour, dressed in classic Vegas hookerwear.
BRIAN
Jackie. Doesn’t eat mean swallow?
JACKIE
As a rule, yes.
MONIQUE
Not when I eat you it doesn’t.
Zelda rolls her eyes.
JACKIE
How’s it hanging, Champ?
BRIAN
I got red-hot bowling balls for
tits; how do you think it’s
hanging?
JACKIE
I brought you a get-well present.
Jackie "presents" Monique. She poses.
BRIAN
None for me, thanks; the only chichi I'm taking on right now is my
sweet sister morphine.
ZELDA
(looking at her
watch)
Speaking of which. It's your lucky
hour.
Zelda hits the switch that automatically pumps more drugs
into Brian's IV.
JACKIE
You gotta be kidding. You're
turning this down?
ZELDA
I want another go.
BRIAN
(disoriented)
What?
ZELDA
I didn’t have proper spit together.
MONIQUE
You want me or not? Jackie’s paid,
so I don’t care one way or the
other.
BRIAN
(drugged, emotional)
That's sweet. I guess a hand job
would be okay.
JACKIE
Monique is a thousand dollar an
hour professional. That is an
insult to a woman of her social
status.
MONIQUE
Don’t matter to me.
Zelda stomps her foot.
ZELDA
I want another go!
All eyes turn to Brian. He is the center of the scene.
LIBERACE
If she’s already paid for, I’m
available.
INT. HALLWAY — MOMENTS LATER
Jackie, nurse Zelda AND Liberace (in a wheelchair) wait
outside Brian’s door. Jackie feeds Zelda crackers one at
a time. Dr.
Bannister approaches, carrying a clipboard. He stops,
looks
at the closed door, then at Jackie.
Suddenly -
BRIAN __(O.S.)
Thar she blows!
INT. BRIAN’S KITCHENETTE MOTEL ROOM — NIGHT
Brian comes in, carrying his things in a brown paper bag,
wearing an oversized sweatshirt. He shuffles over to the
kitchen table; he takes a few hospital items from the bag
— a toothbrush, mouthwash, a deck of cards, the plastic
pee tray.
Brian turns to look at himself in the mirror. His face has
lost its cockiness. He’s lonely.
INT. BRIAN’S KITCHENETTE MOTEL ROOM — MORNING
Brian is in a world of pain. He is clearly frustrated. He
can barely get his feet over the edge of the bed to push
himself up. It's quite the ballet to watch him try to get
up without using his upper body. Finally he does. Slowly,
he walks to the bathroom. We stay on the door as Brian
goes in.
We hear him piss. It goes on forever. He's been holding
this in for some time. He comes out somewhat relieved,
picks up the phone and punches numbers.
KATRINA (V.O.)
Katrina Scott.
BRIAN
(In pain)
It's Brian.
Intercut KATRINA at home. She still wears the office
headset.
KATRINA
So.
BRIAN
I have to cancel tonight.
Katrina actually seems a little hurt. Nobody breaks a date
with her. But she hides it.
KATRINA
Good.
She waits.
About 2 whole seconds.
KATRINA
Bye.
The phone goes dead. Brian replaces the receiver, grabs a
handful of Tylenol 3 and goes back to the bedroom.
EXT. BUDGET SUITES POOL -- AFTERNOON
CLOSE -- BRIAN'S LEGS wade into the shallow end of the
pool.
As he wades deeper his torso comes into view, showing his
swim trunks, then the bandages across his chest, and
finally his face.
He hurts. His face shows the pain and suffering of a man
at the end of his rope. Slowly, the water comes up across
his trunks. As the water starts to flow over the bandages,
floating the breasts, Brian's face changes. Just as his
breasts enter the cool water, a look of utter relief
floods
Brian's face. Floating there, chest deep in the pool,
Brian closes his eyes.
HOLD
INT. BRIAN’S KITCHENETTE MOTEL ROOM — LATER
There's a KNOCK at the door. Brian enters from the
bedroom.
He's wearing a robe and trailing a puddle of water. He
opens the door to reveal the crew; Jackie, D.D., Sammy,
Walter and Jordan. Aside from Jackie, the others have
balloons under their shirts. Big balloons. They bust in
on him.
SAMMY, D.D., AND JORDAN
(chanting)
Tits! Tits! Tits! Tits!
WALTER
Show us what you got, champ!
BRIAN
Forget it.
JACKIE
(seriously)
How ya doin' Butch?
BRIAN
You're Butch. I'm Sundance.
D.D.
I always knew you two were homos.
SAMMY
The tits prove it. Let's see 'em.
D.D. grabs at Brian. Brian pulls away.
SAMMY
Ain't that cute.
He's bashful.
JACKIE
You could show them just to shut
them the fuck up. Four days of nonstop B.S. from these three.
BRIAN
How much for a peek?
JACKIE
Hell, Brian, we're already in for
100 Grand.
BRIAN
Good point. You want tits, you
little perverts?
Brian does a little strip tease as he slowly opens his
robe revealing his chest which is covered in an Ace
bandage. His boobs are huge. They look real enough,
cleavage emerging from the top of the bandage. The crew
gapes in awe. Walter comes closer, looking as if he's
going to touch them.
BRIAN
Whoa, big fella. No copping feels
on the first date.
WALTER
I'm paying for it; I deserve just
one touch.
BRIAN
That’s what they all say.
Jackie goes to the fridge for a beer.
D.D
(in awe)
Take the bandage off.
BRIAN
No fuckin' way. I haven't even seen
them yet.
JORDAN
Now's your chance.
BRIAN
(indicating the
bandage)
This is the only thing that keeps
the pain in check. For now, this is
all you get.
Walter can't help himself. He goes for another touch.
BRIAN
Jesus, Walter.
Brian turns to avoid Walter and bangs his new breasts
directly into the beer that D.D. is holding. He screams in
agony.
BRIAN
Mother Fuck!
Jackie takes control.
JACKIE
Alright you guys. Show's over.
Let's go.
(TO BRIAN)
You okay?
BRIAN
I'm fine. I'm an idiot, but I'm
fine.
INT. BRIAN'S BEDROOM -- EVENING
Brian is obviously feeling better. He flat out looks
better. He still wears the Ace bandage. Brian is trying
on clothes in front of a mirror.
He tries on a white dress shirt. Too tight.
He tries on a hockey pullover. It sticks out too far. No
good.
He tries on a sweater. Can you say Doris Day in 1959?
Nothing fits right. He's pissed.
INT. HARD ROCK HOTEL AND CASINO -- LATER
Brian waits in an office waiting room. TAG, 24, is the
receptionist/assistant. Tag is Hollywood cool. Brian is
dressed in an oversized sweatshirt covered with an
overcoat.
Out of a door labeled, Katrina Scott, Marketing Vice
President, comes Katrina. She is stunning.
KATRINA
I'll see you in the morning.
She looks at Brian.
KATRINA
You, I will never see in the
morning.
Thanks for dressing up.
They head out into the hallway and then to the casino.
BRIAN
Gee. I didn't know we were supposed
to take our smart ass pills today.
I thought it was tomorrow.
She likes the fact that he doesn't back down from her.
KATRINA
Nope, today. Daily dose.
BRIAN
I thought we'd have dinner.
KATRINA
You lost your date last week. Today
is mine.
Off Brian's scared look.
EXT. EQUESTRIAN CENTER -- LATER
Brian and Katrina ride side-by-side down a two-track dirt
road. On horseback, Katrina is radiant and natural. She
gracefully swings her weight with the rhythm of the
horse's trot. Brian, on the other hand, is hanging on for
his life.
His left hand clutches the saddle horn while his right arm
braces his breasts, which are banging up and down like
loose pistons. The look on his face is pure agony.
EXT. HARD ROCK HOTEL AND CASINO -- NIGHT
Katrina's CAR pulls up and drops Brian off right where she
picked him up. He's limping painfully. She opens her
window and looks out at him.
KATRINA
That was a hoot. Let's do it again
sometime.
She drives off leaving Brian in the dust.
BRIAN
Next week.
INT. PING PONG PARLOR -- DAY
Brian and Jackie play Ping Pong. Brian is wearing a baggy
drab sweatshirt. His first serve goes into the net.
Jackie
LAUGHS.
BRIAN
Gimme the ball.
He snatches the ball and serves again BRIAN
It's like two bricks are hanging
off my chest.
Jackie returns the serve. Brian lunges to his right and
extends his arm out straight. The pain FLASHES in his
face.
BRIAN
Fuck.
FADE TO
INT. DR. BANNISTER’S OFFICE — DAY
We see Brian’s BARE BACK as Dr. Bannister unwraps the
bandages.
JACKIE (who's in the room) goes wide eyed as the bandages
come off. Dr. Bannister stifles a giggle.
BRIAN
They hurt my back.
DR. BANNISTER
Give it time.
BRIAN
They throw me off balance.
DR. BANNISTER
What did you expect?
Dr. Bannister inspects Brian's stitches very closely.
DR. BANNISTER
Jesus. What the hell did you do?
It looks like you got your stitches
wet.
BRIAN
I can’t play Ping Pong.
JACKIE
He can’t ride a horse, neither.
BRIAN
I can’t even walk across the street
without feeling like I’m going
uphill.
Dr. Bannister shrugs. He works on Brian's chest with
precision.
BRIAN
Why would any woman want big jugs?
DR. BANNISTER
It improves their self-image.
BRIAN
Five pounds hanging off my chest
doesn’t do a thing for my selfimage.
DR. BANNISTER
Women want to please men.
BRIAN
You ever meet a woman who really
wanted to please men?
JACKIE
Me? Hell no.
Jackie reaches out and cops a feel.
JACKIE
God, I've been waiting to do that.
BRIAN
Pervert.
Dr. Bannister SNIPS at the stitches.
DR. BANNISTER
I can fix this. Just give me a
second.
JACKIE
(wincing for Brian)
I'll wait outside.
As Jackie leaves, he moves out from in front of the three
way mirror, leaving Brian to look at his chest for the
first time.
Unfortunately for us, Dr. Bannister obstructs the camera's
view just enough so that we can't see them.
BRIAN
Whoa! Would you look at that.
Brian looks at himself from a number of different angles.
Jackie stops. Dr. Bannister's not sure what to think.
Slowly a smile comes to Brian's face. He's almost
embarrassed.
BRIAN
These are some hot tits.
Jackie laughs.
EXT. HARD ROCK HOTEL AND CASINO -- NIGHT
Brian waits in the same spot as usual. He's wearing three
different layers to camouflage his chest. Happy with the
breasts or not, he's still not all that comfortable with
them.
Katrina walks out of the Hotel. She notices Brian.
KATRINA
I thought maybe you bailed.
No way.
BRIAN
It's my turn.
KATRINA
Fat burger, here we come.
At that moment, Jackie's party bus pulls up.
BRIAN
Your chariot, Madam.
INT. PARTY BUS -- CONTINUOUS
The bus door opens to reveal Walter at the wheel. Jackie
is next to him. They eye Katrina, lasciviously.
KATRINA
What the hell is this?
My night.
BRIAN
My date.
Brian nudges Katrina toward the bus stairs.
BRIAN
(to Jackie & Walter)
Jackie! Walter! This is Katrina
Scott.
Katrina extends her hand. Jackie grabs her hand rather
cooly.
Walter though, grabs her into a huge hug.
Katrina's surprise at the bear-hug is nothing compared to
what she sees.
The bus is filled with 30 or so drunk, rabid NASCAR fans
finishing a wet T-shirt contest.
KATRINA
(to Brian, deadpan)
Wow. Romantic.
EXT. PARTY BUS -- LATER
The Party Bus inches down a packed Las Vegas Blvd.
INT. PARTY BUS -- CONTINUOUS
Katrina stands at the back of the bus near the bar. Walter
is again the bartender. The NASCAR fans surround Brian
who is in the middle of the bus singing a
punk/lounge/karaoke version of Anne Murray's "Andy's
Song". The rednecks sing along with Brian.
BRIAN (SINGING)
Even though we ain't got money, I'm
so in love with you honey...
It's fun. There's no denying it. Katrina listens as Brian
sings (it seems to her).
WALTER
Are you guys on a date?
Katrina winces at this.
KATRINA
I guess so.
BRIAN (SINGING)
In the mornin', when I rise, it
brings a tear of joy to my eyes....
Despite herself, Katrina smiles.
INT. PARTY BUS -- LATER
Jimmy Buffett's "Why Don't We Get Drunk And Screw" plays
on the bus' speakers. BRIAN and KATRINA dance and sing
together surrounded by rednecks. They're actually having
fun.
INT. PARTY BUS -- LATER STILL
Brian and Katrina stand at the front of the bus. There are
various drunk Rednecks nearby. Jackie stands by the bar
idly talking to Walter, counting out bills. Occasionally
he looks up to where Brian and Katrina are standing.
BRIAN
Admit it.
KATRINA
I'm having fun. I'm not anywhere
near having your baby. But I am
having fun.
Brian watches a DRUNK MAN and DRUNK WOMAN kiss
passionately a couple of seats in front of them. The drunk
woman leans away from the kiss and calmly pukes into a
champagne bucket.
KATRINA
Why do you live the way you do?
The drunk woman wipes her mouth and simply goes back to
kissing the man. Brian smiles.
BRIAN
Predictability scares the shit out
of me.
KATRINA
You mean, like a job?
BRIAN
You know what a job is? An
admission that you can't take care
of yourself.
KATRINA
I've got a job. And I like my job.
I like bringing people to this
new...Vegas, you know?
BRIAN
Katrina, listen to me: There is no
such thing as a new Vegas.
She starts to interrupt but he goes on BRIAN
No matter how many Van Goghs,
Rembrandts, and glorified
ballerinas people like you throw at
them, the marks still come here for
slots and craps.
KATRINA
How dare you say “People like you.”
Brian looks at her for two beats.
BRIAN
You know those two little lines
that run from the bottom of your
nose to the top of your upper lip.
He touches her upper lip to show her which muscles he’s
talking about.
BRIAN
You have the most incredibly
beautiful two lines there I’ve ever
seen.
They’re perfect.
She touches her upper lip, staring at Brian.
The bus comes to a stop and the door opens. They are back
at Katrina's car in the Hard Rock parking lot. Brian puts
out a hand to help her down the stairs.
BRIAN
See you next week.
The doors to the bus close. Leaving Katrina alone in the
parking lot.
EXT. HARD ROCK HOTEL PARKING LOT -- CONTINUOUS
Katrina stands there, touching her upper lip. She's
somewhat stunned as the bus pulls away.
KATRINA
(to herself)
Good line.
INT. FOX BOX -- LATER
Brian and Jackie sit at the bar, drinking (Brian, coffee;
Jackie, scotch) and tossing down peanuts. A microwave oven
is on the bar next to them, stretched on an extension
cord.
A STRIPPER works the stage. She is doing the classic
tassel twirl where she gets them going clockwise and
counter-clockwise at the same time (See The Graduate)
BRIAN
I could do that.
JACKIE
In your dreams.
THREE DOOFUSES next to them peer into the microwave oven
at a capped beer circling round and round. One of the
Doofuses holds a stopwatch. Brian and Jackie idly watch
the Doofuses and the bottle.
JACKIE
Have you shown the Marketing Queen
your new hooters yet?
Brian shakes his head, uneasy at the idea.
JACKIE
Brian, those babies are gonna be
the talk of the town. She’ll find
out on her own soon.
BRIAN
I’m not hiding anything. I’m just
not the kind of boy who flashes his
tits after three dates.
(to the Doofuses)
Thirty seconds and you win. Care to
double up? Hundred apiece?
DOOFUS #1
You got it.
Brian double-checks his watch against the beer bottle.
BRIAN
What do you think she’ll do when
she finds out?
JACKIE
I think she'll whoop a brotha's
ass!
Serious. And you'll still owe her
100 G.
BRIAN
Katrina's different.
JACKIE
Brian, you don't know the first
thing about women.
BRIAN
And you're so educated?
DOOFUS #2
Twenty seconds!
BRIAN
Okay, let's say you walk up to a
woman in a bar and say, "Let’s go
in the can and screw" and she calls
you an asshole, what do you
automatically think?
JACKIE
That she’s having her period.
BRIAN
Right. Before I got these babies (indicating the
breasts)
I would have said the same thing.
But now I'm more in touch with how
women feel.
JACKIE
Which is?
The Doofuses start a countdown.
DOOFUSES
Ten...nine...eight...
BRIAN
You're an asshole.
Jackie LAUGHS.
DOOFUSES
Six...five...four...
The beer bottle EXPLODES.
JACKIE
And you’re chicken shit.
The GRUMBLING Doofuses shell out twenty dollar bills.
BRIAN
I’ll tell her, soon as I figure out
the approach.
INT. KATRINA’S OFFICE — DAY
Katrina is practicing driving balls on her computerenhanced Office Driving Range. She drives the ball into a
net. On a computer read-out, we see 165 YARDS, 15 DEGREE
SLICE.
MANNY LUMPKIN, her boss, is alternating shots with her.
Manny has short silver hair. He dresses totally in black.
MANNY
This is bullshit. We've got to come
up with better ideas.
KATRINA
Celebrity blind dates?
MANNY
Howard Stern show, last year. Hell,
it was your idea.
The machine tees up another ball.
KATRINA
Okay -- a Playmate bikini
tournament sort of Survivor at our
pool.
MANNY
Been done.
Manny drives another ball. Katrina's frustrated.
MANNY
There's tremendous pressure coming
down on me. Jobs are on the line
here. Your job in particular.
KATRINA
My job?
The intercom BUZZES.
TAG (O.S.)
Delivery for Katrina.
KATRINA
Sign for it.
TAG (O.S.)
It’s a personal delivery. I can’t
sign this one.
GRUMBLING, Katrina heads for the door.
INT. KATRINA'S OUTER OFFICE -- CONTINUOUS
DAFFODILS cover every available surface and the DELIVERY
BOY is bringing in another load. Katrina is momentarily
stunned and impressed, but she recovers quickly.
KATRINA
I’ve got too much work for this.
TAG
You must have a secret admirer.
KATRINA
I wish he would stay secret.
As the Delivery Boy walks out, Brian (in a puffy, longsleeved, silk shirt) comes in, carrying a dozen yellow
roses. He winks at TAG, then holds the roses out to
Katrina.
BRIAN
Is this romantic or what?
She takes the roses from his hand.
KATRINA
Or what.
BRIAN
What’s the matter? Flowers are the
direct route to a woman’s heart.
Where we going tonight?
KATRINA
We can't go anywhere tonight. I
have to work.
BRIAN
You can’t not see me.
KATRINA
I can not see anybody I want.
BRIAN
C'mon. I have to ask you something.
He opens the door to the conference room and peeks in.
BRIAN
Can we talk in here?
Brian charges into the conference room. She gives Tag a
look, then follows him.
INT. CONFERENCE ROOM — MOMENTS LATER
Brian paces.
Katrina stands by the door, watching him.
BRIAN
Do you sleep alone?
KATRINA
That’s none of your business.
BRIAN
You know I passed up a free lay
with a thousand dollar hooker
because I was being true to you?
Stop.
KATRINA
You're making me wet.
BRIAN
How about this. I’ll guess the
first three digits of your social
security number. And if I’m right,
you drive me on an errand.
KATRINA
Is there some bimbo, somewhere in
America who would fall for that?
Brian blinks quickly.
BRIAN
Bimbos fall for it all the time.
KATRINA
No one makes an impossible bet
unless they already know how it’ll
turn out.
BRIAN
What about the bet with you?
KATRINA
The last thing you expected was for
me to call your bluff. Face it,
Brian, you’re predictable.
BRIAN
(smiles)
Walked right into that one.
KATRINA
What?
BRIAN
Shut the door.
Katrina doesn’t shut the door. Brian gives her a mock
"shiver" as he shuts the door.
BRIAN
If I can surprise you, I mean no
bullshit, really surprise you, will
you drive me on my errand? I
wouldn’t ask except I don’t know
how to drive.
KATRINA
Take your best shot.
Brian starts taking off his shirt.
KATRINA
You gonna flash your tattoo?
And then Brian pulls his shirt off. CAMERA stays on his
back.
Katrina stares at Brian’s chest. He stares at her,
defiantly.
She walks to the side for a different perspective. She
circles back. He just stands there facing her. Finally,
she saysKATRINA
I’ll get my keys.
EXT. HARD ROCK HOTEL PARKING LOT -- DAY
Brian and Katrina walk toward Katrina's car. Katrina can't
stop staring at Brian's chest.
KATRINA
I can’t stand it!
BRIAN
What?
KATRINA
You remember that really old joke
about the guy who had to choose
between three women — the rocket
scientist, the movie star, and the
perfect homemaker.
(beat)
Which did he choose?
BRIAN
The one with the biggest tits.
KATRINA
Exactly!
Katrina is screaming. She's not sure whether to laugh or
to be flat out angry about the situation.
KATRINA
Stupid, fucking men!
Two MEN walk nearby and react.
BRIAN
(aside, to the men)
I'd just keep walking if I were
you.
KATRINA
How would you like to be judged by
the size of your dick?
BRIAN
I don’t know, my dick’s not too
badKATRINA
Too small and you don’t get the
job; no one thinks you’re
attractive. Too big and they all
say you’re stupid.
You’ve kept women insecure with
these lousy physical standards, and
now you have the gall to mock their
neurosis — that you caused!
BRIAN
Tell me the truth here. Do they
turn you on, just a little bit?
He’s joking. The last thing he expects is her answer.
KATRINA
A little; maybe. They’re
confusing.
EXT. CONDO COMPLEX -- DAY
Katrina drives into a gated, middle class condo complex.
Brian points BRIAN
The condo there, by the dumpster.
KATRINA
Am I dropping you off at some hot
chick’s place?
BRIAN
You’re not dropping me off. You’re
coming in. And be polite.
EXT. SALLY’S CONDO — CONTINUED
THE DOOR swings
grey hair, grey
as she balances
sight of Brian,
open to reveal SALLY ZEMBIC — 56, silversweatsuit, red sneakers — swaying slightly
herself on a pair of hand crutches. At the
she breaks into a shining smile.
SALLY
You.
BRIAN
Hey, Ma.
She leans forward so he can kiss her cheek. The two click
well together.
BRIAN
What’s with the crutches?
As Sally talks, she takes the braces off her wrists and
props the crutches in the corner.
SALLY
I thought you were Philip Forster.
We’re playing tennis today and he
spots me two games a set on account
of my arthritis.
INT. SALLY’S CONDO
It’s clean, simple. The furniture is IKEA, but good IKEA.
There’s a 28-inch color TV tuned to golf. The far wall and
most surfaces are covered with photographs.
BRIAN
You don’t have arthritis.
SALLY
I might get it. You must be
Katrina.
B.Z.’s told me so much about you.
I’m Sally Zembic.
They shake hands.
SALLY
I suppose you’ll be wanting a diet
soda pop. Girls these days all
drink diet.
KATRINA
Water would be nice.
SALLY
If you need to throw up the
bathroom’s down the hall.
BRIAN
Mom, Katrina’s not that kind of
girl.
Now, Sally studies Katrina.
SALLY
No, I suppose not. It’s good to see
a woman not afraid to flaunt a
little heft.
Katrina reacts. Heft? She's got to be kidding.
SALLY
In my day men wanted love handles.
I hate skinny women. You should
know that. So does Brian. Come over
here; I’ll show you my wall.
(to Brian)
Get your friend a glass of water,
and me an R.C. Something for
yourself.
Brian exits while Sally leads Katrina to the photo wallS.
CAMERA PANS THE PHOTOS
It’s the Vegas of thirty years ago — Dino, Frank, Elvis,
Phyllis Diller. Guys named Spats and Lucky. Most of the
pictures are someone famous standing with his arm around
the same beautiful show girl.
KATRINA
My God, that's you?
SALLY
No shit. I haven’t changed that
much.
She’s changed completely. The Show Girl in the photos is a
slim, yet buxom blonde with cheekbones that could cut
glass.
But, if we look closer, we see the confidence is still
there.
SALLY
I was Miss Winnepeg 1970. Won a
trip to Las Vegas and never looked
back.
KATRINA
You were incredibly beautiful.
SALLY
Were?
Brian shouts from the kitchen.
BRIAN (O.S.)
Sparkling or flat?
KATRINA
Sparkling if you’ve got any.
Some of the photos are group shots of the Sahara show
girls, lined up in big headgear and frilly costumes; some
topless.
Sally is usually dead center, in the spotlight.
Katrina’s attention is drawn to a photo of a LITTLE GAPTOOTHED
BOY, grinning between two flashy dancers. The dancers’
breasts frame his impish face.
KATRINA
Is this Brian?
SALLY
(nods Yes)
Practically raised him backstage at
the Sahara.
KATRINA
He was so cute.
SALLY
The kid was like a little mascot
back there in the dressing room.
You should have seen the fawning.
Katrina stares closely at the little boy between the
breasts, her mind alive with images of Brian in the Sahara
dressing room.
SALLY
This one’s his father.
Katrina follows Sally’s pointing finger to a picture of
her sitting on Sammy Davis Jr.’s knee.
Brian comes in carrying three drinks.
KATRINA
Sammy Davis is Brian’s father?
BRIAN
Don’t tell her that.
SALLY
Well, he is. Maybe.
Brian hands Katrina her sparkling water.
BRIAN
Maybe.
SALLY
It’s either Sammy or a bull rider
from Fort Worth. I never was sure.
A KNOCK comes at the door.
SALLY
That’ll be Philip.
She hurries toward the crutches.
SALLY
Cover me on this. There’s two
hundred riding on the match.
EXT. TENNIS COURTS — AFTERNOON
Sally uses a hand crutch on her left arm and kind of
pivots around to take a shot. She seems barely able to
connect, and the drop-ins look like dumb luck, but she’s
creaming the guy.
Brian WHOOPS AND HOLLERS on every shot she makes. He’s a
rabid cheerleading squad.
BRIAN
Cigarette ashes, cigarette butts,
we got Philip Forster by the nuts!
Sweating like a lost ditch digger, PHILIP glances
nervously at Brian, then he drills a shot into the net.
BRIAN
(quieter, to
Katrina)
She was a pro for a few years
before she moved to Vegas.
(cheering)
Take him, Mama!
KATRINA
Are you going to tell her about the
breasts?
On the court, Sally’s lob is clearly behind the end line.
PHILIP
Out.
Brian throws a hissy fit, hurling his cap to the ground
and stomping on it.
BRIAN
That was in! In! How can you cheat
an old lady with a crutch.
Philip shrugs.
PHILIP
Okay. It was in.
SALLY
Thirty-love.
BRIAN
(to Katrina)
I’ll tell her, just not today.
KATRINA
I think you were raised in an
environment where the people around
you were valued by the size of
their breasts.
BRIAN
What?
KATRINA
You equate breasts with attention.
And you desperately need attention.
BRIAN
Give it a break, Oprah.
Sally scores another point and Brian yells.
BRIAN
Match point! Take this sucker!
PHILIP is totally psyched out and lucky to get a shot over
the net at this point.
KATRINA
Why do you think you got them?
BRIAN
Besides the desperate need for
attention?
Katrina smiles.
BRIAN
I never say "no" to a bet I can
win.
OFF KATRINA'S LOOK BRIAN
Including ours.
Sally finishes off the match. Brian SCREAMS...
BRIAN
Woo Hoo!
...and runs onto the court. He grabs his Mother and throws
her onto his shoulders, piggy-back style. She WHAPS his
noggin with the tennis racquet.
SALLY
Put me down!
But Brian sings "WE ARE THE CHAMPIONS" and spins in a
circle with his arms outstretched.
HOLD on Katrina. He’s starting to get to her.
INT/EXT. JACKIE’S BMW — DAY
Jackie smokes a Cuban cigar as he drives alongside the
Lakes Country Club. Lake and manicured golf course to the
right, multimillion dollar homes to the left. It’s the lap
of luxury.
Brian one-hand shuffles a deck of cards, and deals the
cards onto his lap, only each card disappears as it hits
his lap.
BRIAN
Tell me the truth, Jackie, Do you
think I equate breasts with the
need for attention?
JACKIE
Yes.
MEN in off-colored slacks ride golf carts around and hit
balls.
BRIAN
I mean my breasts.
JACKIE
Yes. Who have you been talking to?
BRIAN
No one. I was just thinking about
how I was raised in a society where
women were valued by the size of
their rack.
JACKIE
Did I miss something? Was there a
second operation where you had your
dick removed?
BRIAN
I’m allowed to think about deep
shit.
JACKIE
No, you're not. It upsets nature's
balance.
Jackie slows the car and stops next to the ninth green.
Floyd and three other GOLFERS, reeking of money, power and
breeding, are putting out the hole.
JACKIE
Mind waiting here a minute? I need
to talk to Floyd.
Brian recognizes the oldest golfer.
BRIAN
That’s Missoula Slim.
Jackie opens his door.
BRIAN
You know Missoula Slim?
Before Jackie can say Yes BRIAN
How is it you know people I don’t
know?
JACKIE
Because I'm a popular motherfucker.
BRIAN
I’d give my left nut to play poker
with Slim.
JACKIE
Slim would take both your nuts —
assuming you still have them.
They both get out of the BMW.
BRIAN
(calls)
Hey, Floyd, how’s the medication
helping with that premature
problem?
Floyd scowls.
JACKIE
Gimme a minute. Try not to
psychoanalyze anything until I'm
back.
Jackie heads for the group.
Brian watches Jackie and Floyd step aside and take part in
an earnest conversation.
TIME CUT TO:
Jackie comes back to the car.
BRIAN
You get me a game with Slim?
JACKIE
Let’s take a walk.
BRIAN
Walk? You mean . . . outdoors?
JACKIE
Okay. Let's stand next to the car
and talk.
BRIAN
Mind if I take my shirt off and
catch some rays? I think the girls
would look better with a little
color.
JACKIE
I'd like to have a house here
someday.
BRIAN
And you say I've changed?
JACKIE
You should be nicer to Floyd.
BRIAN
The day I’m nice to a casino owner
you can put me in a box.
JACKIE
Here’s the deal. Floyd will pay
you the hundred thou on the boob
bet, plus throw in an extra fifty
you and I can split. And he’ll pay
it next month. You don’t wait a
year and your boys keep their
chedda.
BRIAN
(200% sarcasm)
Gosh, that Floyd is a great guy.
(beat)
Wait though. Won't he expect
something in return?
JACKIE
He expects me to make you and your
boobs famous, and use us to promote
the Thunderbird.
BRIAN
How famous?
JACKIE
We put out a press release. Start
with local radio and news. And all
you have to say is "Come on down to
the Thunderbird" or some shit like
that. I've talked Floyd into a
"Festival of Breasts" next month
during the "World Series of Poker."
He'll pay us then.
BRIAN
Come on down to the Thunderbird?
JACKIE
We'll be hustling money from a
casino.
You love that.
BRIAN
Floyd's a prick.
JACKIE
Jesus, Brian. We're using him.
BRIAN
Yeah, I get it, smart boy. He's
still a prick.
JACKIE
Yes, but he’s a desperate prick. If
he doesn’t do something soon, the
Thunderbird’s going belly up. We
can use him; take his money and
hang him out to dry.
Brian thinks for a moment.
BRIAN
No.
JACKIE
No?
BRIAN
Yup. No. Fuck Floyd. I'm not saying
Come on down! for any casino. Let's
go. I've had enough nature for one
year.
INT. KATRINA’S OFFICE -- DAY
Katrina enters.
TAG
There’s a man here to see you.
KATRINA
What man?
TAG
I put him in your office. He said
you wouldn’t mind.
Katrina, curious and a little angry, goes into her office
to find Jackie, studying the art on the walls. He nods
toward a pencil drawing.
JACKIE
Chagall.
KATRINA
I already knew that.
She stares at him, vaguely hostile.
JACKIE
Yeah, I love art. I'm a
motherfucking art aficionado!
Matter of fact, wouldn't hurt y'all
to put some real art on the walls class up the fuckin' joint.
KATRINA
I'll suggest it to Peter.
Jackie continues to circle, ostensibly looking at the art,
but in reality keeping the power position behind the desk.
JACKIE
I’m concerned about Brian.
Katrina barely nods.
JACKIE
In another month, he loses the bet,
has to pay you 100K, then you dump
his ass.
KATRINA
So, I'm in it for the money?
JACKIE
If you're not, you're the only Ho
in Vegas who doesn't care about
money.
KATRINA
Or maybe I'm a sucker for a guy
with a hot rack.
SILENCE. Jackie rests his fingertips on the desk.
Katrina is somewhat intimidated by this guy, but she’ll be
damned if she’s going to show it.
JACKIE
He and I once made a hundred
thousand in a single night. He tell
you that?
KATRINA
The sad thing Jackie, is that you
think that's a big score. We have
frat boys who win a hundred
thousand off us in a night. Big
fucking deal.
Jackie takes the blow in stride.
JACKIE
Brian and I are partners. We share
money, women and everything else.
KATRINA
Wow. That's homoerotic.
He leans toward her.
JACKIE
Brian and I have history. You'll be
gone in a month.
KATRINA
Let me tell you what I see - I see
a low-rent hustler who dreams of
the big time but has no idea how to
get there. And your best ideas
involve making money off your
friend.
They stare each other down.
JACKIE
Pleasure.
KATRINA
All mine.
Jackie walks out. Katrina sits down and wipes a small bit
of sweat off her brow.
INT. CAESAR'S FORUM SHOPS — DAY
Brian and Katrina walk down the mall. He’s playing with a
rubber cockroach on his middle finger, left hand, that he
cups in his right palm.
BRIAN
Jackie doesn't deal well with
strong women. He just pretends to
be a hard-ass to give himself an
edge.
KATRINA
He’s not pretending; trust me on
this.
BRIAN
Jackie is my best friend from way
back. He does a lot for me.
As they pass TWO TEENAGE HARDBODIES, he lets the cockroach
crawl into view. The hardbodies SCREAM.
KATRINA
I don’t see anything good he does
for you.
BRIAN
He fronts stake money for my Ping
Pong and poker. And he sets up the
casino scams.
KATRINA
Like, the 25 thousand Binion's gave
you for living in their bathroom?
Brian leans over a water fountain to take a drink and
WHACKS his breasts on the metal cover.
BRIAN
Shit. How do women do that?
KATRINA
Look.
She drinks from the fountain. No problem.
KATRINA
It’s even harder with long hair.
They continue their walk.
KATRINA
I have a friend in marketing at
Binion's; he says they got fifty
thousand in free publicity from
that stunt of yours.
BRIAN
No shit?
KATRINA
And all you went home with was 25
thousand.
BRIAN
Twelve-five. I split with Jackie.
KATRINA
Jackie got half? For what?
He opens the door to VICTORIA'S SECRET and follows Katrina
inside.
INT. VICTORIA'S SECRET — CONTINUOUS
BRIAN
He set it up. That's how it works.
A pert, twenty-something salesgirl, TIFFANY approaches
them.
TIFFANY
May I help you?
BRIAN
I’d like a bra, a first one, like a
really big training bra.
Tiffany glances at Katrina.
KATRINA
It’s not for me.
INT. VICTORIA'S SECRET — MOMENTS LATER
Katrina sits in a chair while Tiffany straightens a rack
of teddies.
TIFFANY
Most of our cross-dressers prefer
padded.
KATRINA
Brian’s not a cross-dresser.
Brian emerges from the dressing room, fiddling with the
strap on a silver Second Skin Satin classic bikini bra. He
has the posture of a dock worker. All the femininity of
dirty socks.
BRIAN
(adjusting the bra)
What’s with the wires? They hurt.
TIFFANY
They’re so you won’t sag.
BRIAN
I won’t sag.
Katrina GIGGLES.
FLASH CUT TO
INT. VICTORIA'S SECRET — MOMENTS LATER
Katrina sips herbal tea. Tiffany has been joined by ANGEL,
who is also pretending to straighten a rack.
Brian clomps from the dressing room in a boysenberry Dream
Angels bra — embroidered sheer mesh and demicups.
The girls look at each other, then back at him.
KATRINA
Not really you.
FLASH CUT TO
INT. VICTORIA'S SECRET — MOMENTS LATER
Katrina, Tiffany and Angel have been joined by two MIDDLEAGED SHOPPERS. No one is even pretending to work.
Brian enters in a black Miracle Bra.
ANGEL
Stand up straighter. Stick out your
chest.
Brian does. He’s starting to enjoy this. All he needed
was an audience.
ANGEL
That’s better.
FLASH CUT TO
INT. VICTORIA'S SECRET — MOMENTS LATER
Brian struts from the dressing room in a La Femme Victoria
demi bra with underwire cups and pads. He has cleavage.
Eight women break into applause.
KATRINA
I think we’ve found your look.
BRIAN
Give me two of these and three of
those sports bras. Gotta save the
pretty ones for a special occasion.
TIFFANY
I’ll bet this one is hell-a-good in
the sack.
ANGEL
Yeah, is he fun?
KATRINA
I wouldn’t know.
BRIAN
Come on, honey. We can be honest
with these girls.
KATRINA
You really want to know?
The salesgirls nod; the Shoppers come to attention.
KATRINA
He’s the worst lay in town. He's
hung like a Tic-Tac.
She holds up her pinkie...and bends it over.
KATRINA
And he makes us watch gay porn to
get in the mood.
The Salesgirls and Shoppers stare at Brian in
disappointment, like he’s a bad piece of meat.
BRIAN
She’s making a joke.
The middle-aged Shoppers turn and walk away.
BRIAN
C'mon. It's a joke!
INT. STEAM ROOM
D.D., Jackie (on his cell phone) and Walter are taking a
steam bath. They have towels across their crotches. Brian
walks in wearing his towel like a girl coming out of the
shower.
Two OLDER MEN also sit in the steam room. The older men
are very, very confused at the sight of Brian.
Jackie clicks his phone shut.
JACKIE
Floyd's upped his offer to two
hundred thousand. The original one
hundred for you and we split the
rest.
D.D.
No shit?
BRIAN
How do girls do this? I get the top
to stay put, but then my ass is
sticking out.
JACKIE
It would be damn sweet to take two
hundred G off the T-bird.
BRIAN
I've been thinking.
D.D.
Uh oh.
BRIAN
Casino owners may be sleazy, but
they’re not stupid. They don’t just
hand us money for free. I heard
Binion's claims they got fifty
grand in publicity out of my month
in the can. And all they lost was
25.
JACKIE
Who told you this?
Brian is still trying to adjust the towel. His cleavage is
rather huge. The old men are truly baffled now.
BRIAN
Nobody.
JACKIE
Well, nobody doesn’t know what the
fuck she’s talking about.
WALTER
(to Brian)
I think girls use two towels.
INT. KATRINA’S CONDO -- EVENING
There's a KNOCK on the front door. Katrina goes to the
door and opens it to reveal Brian, wears what appears to
be a prom dress. Deep cleavage.
Lots of accessories.
Pumps.
KATRINA
No way.
BRIAN
Way. It's Wednesday.
INT. SHOWBOAT CASINO -- LATER
Brian and Katrina walk through the front door onto the
casino floor. This is the local, low rent side of Vegas.
It's a world of MOTORIZED WHEELCHAIRS, BIKERS and BLUE
HAIRS. Brian hardly stands out...except in posture.
KATRINA
Jesus. At least walk a little bit
like a woman. You look like a
cowboy.
Brian sashays a little bit, more or less like a drunk drag
queen. Katrina smirks.
BRIAN
Just follow my lead, ok? When in
doubt, like the house, we hit on
16, stay on 17.
Katrina heads for the five dollar minimum blackjack
tables, but Brian nudges her and steers her to the hundred
dollar table (there's only one) where a quiet, little
dealer is standing alone. The dealer's name tag says
ROLAND.
ROLAND
(to Katrina)
Ma'am. This table's a hundred
dollar minimum.
Brian pulls out twelve grand in hundred dollar bills and
lays the bills on the table. This gets the PIT BOSS'
attention.
Roland changes the bills into chips with the pit boss'
approval. The pit boss eyes Brian suspiciously.
Katrina goes to put a single $100 chip down for a bet.
Brian pushes five more onto her line, then BETS five on
his line.
ROLAND
(to Brian)
You look awfully familiar.
Brian coughs, points at his throat.
BRIAN
(bad female whisper)
Surgery on my throat. Can't talk
too much.
As Roland deals the first hand, Katrina puts a hand up to
her mouth as if to hide what she's saying.
KATRINA
Oral herpes. We're on R&R. Vegas
baby!
As the hand is finished, Brian kicks Katrina under the
table.
Katrina wins her hand. Brian loses. As Roland hands
Katrina her chips...
SMASH CUT TO:
INT. SHOWBOAT CASINO -- LATER
Roland finishes dealing a hand. Katrina has a solid 20 to
Roland's 5 showing. Brian splits his ACES, shoving a
second $2500 in black chips into the betting circle.
BRIAN
(in female voice)
C'mon baby. Show me some sugar.
Roland deals a King and a Queen to Brian's Aces.
BRIAN
Helloooo Sugar!
SMASH CUT TO:
INT. SHOWBOAT CASINO -- LATER
More hands. More winning. More money. A small crowd has
formed to watch the play including an OLD LADY trailing a
oxygen tank, a very, very FAT MAN and TWO BIKER DUDES in
full leather.
Brian wins another hand. He does a little "dance". (We
won't be seeing Brian on "Soul Train" any time soon.)
BRIAN
I love this game!
SMASH CUT TO:
INT. SHOWBOAT CASINO -- LATER
Roland hands out more chips to Katrina, and Brian. There
are high stacks of chips in front of each one of them.
Obviously they are winning big! Katrina has a huge smile
plastered on her face. Brian and Katrina play two hands
each. Brian places all the bets. The first and third bets
are $3000. The second and fourth bets are only $300 each.
The cards are dealt. Dealer shows an 10. On the first
three hands, Brian and Katrina draw cards to an 17, a 17,
and a 18.
On the last hand (Katrina's) she shows a 12. She takes one
hit. It's a 4. 16. She's about to take another hit when
Brian kicks her again under the table.
KATRINA
But....
Brian gives her a stern look.
KATRINA
Stay.
The crowd murmers. The dealer turns over his down card.
It's a 5. The crowd noise gets louder. The dealer turns
over his next card. 7. Bust. The crowd goes wild. Katrina
and Brian smile at each other and then "high five" with
the crowd as Roland doles out the winning chips. Brian
throws his hands into the air and does his best female
WHOOP.
BRIAN
Whoo! Whoo!
Quickly, as if they've done this before, the two biker
dudes in perfect synchronization grab both Katrina's and
Brian's breasts from behind. Brian is caught off guard.
BRIAN
(in Brian voice)
What the fuck!
Brian turns around and swiftly pulls the biker off Katrina
and squares to fight the men. But when the crowd hears
Brian's voice, they all step back.
BRIAN
Oh shit.
BLUE HAIR WOMAN
It's a guy. Girl. It's one of them
"hermaphoditees".
KATRINA
Ohh Kay.
Suddenly, the Pit Boss realizes where he knows this
"woman" from. He screams.
PIT BOSS
I knew it! ZEMBIC!
The crowd turns to look at the Pit Boss. Brian and Katrina
are already gone, running through the casino towards the
door.
EXT. SHOWBOAT CASINO PARKING LOT -- CONTINUOUS
Katrina and Brian haul ass to Katrina's car. As they go to
jump in...
KATRINA
Well now, that was fun, wasn't it.
INT. KATRINA’S CAR -- CONTINUOUS
They jump into the car, and floor it out of the parking
lot.
BRIAN
(sullen)
You didn't happen to...
Katrina holds open her purse to reveal tens of thousands
of dollars worth of chips. Brian just smiles.
BRIAN
You. You. You.
He doesn't know what to say.
INT. FOX BOX STRIP CLUB -- LATER
A BORED STRIPPER wraps herself around a pole while Brian,
Jackie and Walter sit at a corner booth. A dozen other
bored and tired MEN sit at tables, idly watching the
stripper.
Brian shuffles a deck of cards and puts it in front of
Walter who then concentrates on predicting every card he
turns over.
WALTER
King.
Walter turns over the King of Spades. He's very pleased.
BRIAN
Not only did we take in 15G or so,
we went on this massive shopping
spree after.
JACKIE
Shopping? Lovely.
WALTER
Four.
He turns over the Ten of Clubs.
WALTER
Dammit.
BRIAN
(to Walter)
Remember the flow. It's the same
every time.
Brian reaches across and grabs the deck of cards.
He turns over five cards in a row, correctly predicting
each one just before he turns it over. We don't know how
he does this. To Brian, it's no big deal.
BRIAN
Six, spades. Seven, clubs. Ace,
clubs. Queen, diamonds. Jack,
clubs.
WALTER
Dammit.
Brian hands the deck back to Walter.
JACKIE
You’d better watch out for that
hooch, B. I say she's working some
kinda
angle on you.
BRIAN
You think so? I value your opinion
on this, since you got romance
coming out your ass.
The Bored Stripper leaves the stage to a smattering of
applause — Brian and a college-aged drunk.
JACKIE
Yeah? You wanna place some coin on
Little Miss Harvard's game plan?
Brian perks up at the thought of a wager.
JACKIE
I bet she asks you to bring those
titties to the Hard Rock - for a
night or two.
BRIAN
Bullshit.
JACKIE
Fifty bucks?
BRIAN
I’ll go a hundred.
WALTER
I'm in.
BRIAN
Believe it or not, Katrina likes
me...for me.
JACKIE
Did she like you before the
operation?
Brian doesn't like the inference, but knows it might be
true.
Jackie lets the subject drop. A NEW STRIPPER comes out,
dressed in a Goldilocks fantasy. The girl puts a bit more
vim in her work.
Jackie changes the subject.
JACKIE
I set up a game for you with
Missoula Slim. He needs a warm-up
before the poker tournament.
Brian’s mood skyrockets.
BRIAN
No shit?!
JACKIE
He said he’s not afraid to give the
little people a shot.
WALTER
Missoula Slim will spank you and
send you home to Mommy.
BRIAN
Now there's an image.
WALTER
(to his cards)
Three, diamonds.
BRIAN
Clubs.
Walter turns over the three of clubs.
WALTER
DAMN - IT!
Brian thinks.
BRIAN
Alright.
JACKIE
Alright what?
BRIAN
If I'm playing poker with Missoula
Slim, It's time to get these babies
some attention.
INT. TELEVISION STUDIO — MORNING
CAMERA MAN AND CAMERA push toward Brian and TRUDY TRUDEAU,
who sit on tasteful furniture in front of a sign reading
VEGAS TODAY.
CAMERA’S POV — TRUDY
Is perfectly coifed. Her teeth are capped. Her clothes are
the epitome of professionalism.
TRUDY
This has always fascinated me. How
does a gambler manage to get ahead
in Las Vegas?
Brian rolls poker chips between his fingers. He is dressed
in a silk, billowy shirt, corduroy pants, and his Winnie
the Pooh cap.
BRIAN
Clean living and a smile, Trudy.
The AUDIENCE LAUGHS. We see Jackie standing backstage,
looking like the guy in control.
TRUDY
(flirting)
No, really, Brian. How do you do
it?
BRIAN
Find a game where you can beat the
odds. Sports gambling - which I
don't do at all - poker,
blackjack...
INT. MANNY'S OFFICE -- CONTINUOUS
Manny stands, watching Brian on TV. He punches an intercom
button.
MANNY
Katrina, come in here.
KATRINA ENTERS TO SEE AND HEAR BRIAN (O.S.)
Blackjack is a tough way to go; the
moment a casino thinks you know
what you're doing, they cut you
off.
MANNY
This is the boob guy. I read about
him in the paper.
ANGLE ON TV SET
TRUDY
Maybe they won't recognize you with
your new...make-over.
Trudy emits a fake TV LAUGH. Brian giggles nervously.
BRIAN
There's an idea, I could go in
dressed like you, shaking my fanny.
Brian turns his backside to the audience and shakes it
with everything he's got.
BACK TO OFFICE.
Over the LAUGHTER from the audience.
MANNY
I would give my left nut to get
this guy at the Hard Rock.
CLOSE -- KATRINA
ANGLE ON TV SET
TRUDY
Right now, ladies and gentlemen, we
are going to expose a pair of Mr.
Zembic’s finest features.
BRIAN REACTS.
TRUDY
(smirking,
suggestive)
You’ve all heard of breast men, but
our guest today has taken the term
into a realm unheard of by the
straight male. Mr. Zembic has made
his point. Both of them.
Audience LAUGHS.
INT. STUDIO -- CONTINUOUS
BRIAN
In your dreams, honey. I'm saving
these puppies for network.
TRUDY
Brian, don’t be a tease. What’s the
point of having them if you don’t
flaunt them.
BRIAN
Flaunt your own tits.
TRUDY
Mr. Zembic __BRIAN
Look at those bazoombas. You’ve had
implants, same as me.
Trudy blushes a deep red.
BRIAN
Tell you what, let’s compare boob
jobs. You unveil your melons and
I’ll unveil mine.
INT. MANNY'S OFFICE -- CONTINUOUS
KATRINA
Is that all you wanted with me?
MANNY
(distracted)
Yeah.
ON TV -- BRIAN SMILES
INT. BUDGET SUITES LAUNDRY ROOM
Typical, nasty laundry room. Beige cinder block walls. Two
old washers and two equally old dryers. Brian sits next to
a LATINO WOMAN and TWIN BABIES. She is suckling one baby,
but the other is sitting in a baby seat screaming bloody
murder.
The woman is embarrassed, but there is nothing she can do.
She tries to rock the baby with her foot. She looks at
Brian with tired eyes.
They sit awkwardly for another minute until...
With reverence, Brian lifts the crying baby to his
shoulder.
The baby still screams. Brian is not sure what to do.
Slowly, he lowers the baby to his breast.
As the baby begins to suckle, Brian's face conveys about a
dozen different emotions. Utter pain, satisfaction,
confusion, enjoyment, etc.
INT. SUDS BAR, NORTH LAS VEGAS -- LATE NIGHT
Suds is one of those sports bars that has all sorts of
memorabilia hanging all over the ceiling and walls.
The place is rather empty. Brian and Katrina dance alone
on the dance floor by the Hank Williams Jr.-oriented
jukebox.
Brian is having some trouble dancing. The breasts are in
his way. Brian is exhausted, certainly un-Brian-like.
BRIAN
I’m not weird.
KATRINA
What are you basing that idea on?
BRIAN
I like having breasts.
KATRINA
It's okay, Brian. You can call them
tits. Everybody else does.
BRIAN
Every time I see my tits in the
mirror, it cracks me up.
KATRINA
And this proves you're not weird?
BRIAN
Weird would be when you have
breasts and don't enjoy them.
KATRINA
This is the most bizarre case of
self introspection I've ever heard.
Several AIRMEN (CAL, BOB and others) argue at a table.
They're all very drunk.
STACY, the cute young waitress, passes the airmen. With a
wink to his friends, Bob quickly grabs her ass. Without
missing a beat, Stacy dumps a full glass of beer over
Bob's head. As the others laugh, Bob gets mad.
BOB
You little bitch.
Brian appears at the table, instantly breaking into his
"act."
BRIAN
You fellas from Kansas? You have
that Kansas look in your eyes.
At once, Brian's cards are out and he's shuffling through
the deck. Semi-drunk and nearly mesmerized by Brian's
patter and rapid shuffling, the Airmen forget hassling
Stacy.
BRIAN
Tell you what. I'll rifle the cards
and you tell me when to stop.
Suddenly, Bob's eyes light up.
BOB
Dude, I know you! You're the boob
guy. I saw you on TV.
(to his friends)
This guy's got tits!
CAL
You're shittin' me. You got tits?
BRIAN
38 Ds, like my daddy and his daddy
before him.
Katrina laughs.
BOB
You a queer?
Brian rolls his eyes.
BRIAN
Listen up, Billie Jean,
(points to himself)
Straight.
(points to Katrina)
Girlfriend.
(points to chest)
100 thousand dollar bet. I thought
you said you watched me on tv.
The airmen all study Brian for a moment.
CAL
It's bullshit. They're fakes.
BOB
Those are real. I can tell these
things. I'll betcha 20 he's got a
set of hooters bigger than the
waitress.
SALLY
Thanks, asshole.
CAL
You're on.
BRIAN
Easy, Goose, you and Maverick are
too young to gamble.
CAL
C'mon, let's see the tits.
Cal and the gang get boisterous at the idea of seeing
Brian's tits. Brian studies the situation for a moment,
turns to Katrina.
BRIAN
I guess they want tits.
KATRINA
It's your show.
Brian nods and takes a deep breath. He slips fifty cents
in the jukebox and punches "Brass Monkey" by the Beastie
Boys.
As the song kicks in, Brian starts jerking his elbows and
knees in time to the rap.
BEASTIE BOYS
Got this dance that’s more than
real; Drink Brass Monkey - here’s
how you feel.
Brian jumps on the pool table, still jerking in rhythm.
You can’t call this dancing, more like controlled spasms.
He flips his shirt tail up, then down; teases with his
collar and cleavage.
BEASTIE BOYS
Put your left leg down - your right
leg up; Tilt your head back - let’s
finish the cup.
The Airmen gather around, bug-eyed at the show.
Finally, Brian reaches the moment of put-up-or-shut-up.
KATRINA (O.S.)
Hey, Yahoos!
The Airmen and Brian all turn to see Katrina -- shirt
open, exposing a pair of perfectly formed, lovely breasts.
The men are stunned.
KATRINA
Can we leave now?
The Airmen are momentarily stunned.
INT. KATRINA’S CAR -- MOMENTS LATER
Katrina and Brian drive away from the bar.
BRIAN
So, that was a front clasp demi
cup, huh?
Katrina SLAMS on the brakes.
KATRINA
Okay, I decided.
BRIAN
Decided what?
KATRINA
This doesn’t mean I’m emotionally
involved, you understand. I’m not
head over heels or bells ringing or
any of that other sentimental gooey
stuff. Got it?
BRIAN
I got it. What are we talking
about?
KATRINA
I will sleep with you. . . . We can
sleep together.
Brian, nearly catatonic....
BRIAN
What?
KATRINA
Right now. My apartment. . . .
You got protection? We don’t do
this without protection.
She starts the car and pulls away from the curb. Brian’s
face shows nothing but fear.
EXT. KATRINA’S CONDO — NIGHT
THEY walk from her car into the condo complex. Both of
them are extremely hesitant about going through with it.
BRIAN
Are you sure? We don’t want to
hurry things.
KATRINA
(nervous)
No, I’m not sure. You gonna chicken
out?
BRIAN
Maybe we should start slow. What if
you give me a hand job first, and
we go from there.
KATRINA
Forget it. You come through my
door, you’re going all the way.
HOLD on Brian. A smile creases his lips.
INT. KATRINA’S CONDO — NIGHT
Brian and Katrina face each other. We see their
silhouettes — her hair is longer and her hips more
shapely, but their breasts match perfectly.
FADE TO BLACK
BRIAN (V.O.)
Tomorrow we go back to Victoria's
Secret and you tell those girls my
dick is not a Tic Tac.
Katrina laughs.
INT. STARBUCKS — VERY EARLY MORNING
Brian approaches the counter. He is worried, distracted.
Something has happened and he doesn’t know how to deal
with it.
BRIAN
Give me nine shots of espresso.
He blinks several times, reliving last night in his head.
BRIAN
Ten. Yeah, ten.
COUNTER KID
You’re the boob guy.
BRIAN
Yeah, I’m the boob guy. Eleven.
I’ll take eleven shots.
The COUNTER KID turns to his LATTE MAKER.
COUNTER KID
It’s the boob guy.
Twelve.
twelve.
BRIAN
Let’s make it an even
INT. STARBUCKS — LATER
Brian sits at a table facing a 20-ounce Starbucks cup. He
doesn’t appear to know where he is. He sure doesn’t notice
the Starbucks employees who have gathered at the counter
to watch.
Brian chugs all twelve espressos. The EMPLOYEES are
stunned.
BRIAN
(to himself)
Okay.
INT. KATRINA’S OFFICE — DAY
Manny polishes a silver pendant with a chamois cloth.
Katrina sits in a low chair in the corner.
MANNY
Unhappiness abounds.
KATRINA
Meaning?
MANNY
Management hates our roster of
entertainment for Poker week.
KATRINA
Billy Corrigan, the Foo Fighters,
Pink's Pool Party? They hate those?
MANNY
Rio has the Playboy Playmates in a
makeshift grotto. Bally's, God love
their desperate asses, has 10 Vivid
girls hosting a strip poker
tournament and Paris has MTV's TRL
live.
Katrina looks pained.
MANNY
So, imagining for a moment that
your job is on the line, what ideas
do you have that put the Hard Rock
back in people's hearts and minds?
KATRINA
I need some time, Manny.
MANNY
I’m afraid you are out of time.
Katrina is desperate.
KATRINA
I got the boob guy.
MANNY
The guy we saw on TV.
KATRINA
How many other boob guys are there?
MANNY
And you can get him?
KATRINA
I think so.
MANNY
I don’t want any think so. Either
you can get him or you can’t.
KATRINA
I can get him.
Manny sets his trophy on its stand, admires it a moment,
then turns to face Katrina.
MANNY
Okay, you deliver this freak show
and we’ll see about keeping your
job.
Katrina winces at the words freak show.
INT. GOLDEN NUGGET - SUITE -- AFTERNOON
Brian sits at a poker table. He shuffles a deck of cards
lightning fast. He’s jacked up today.
BRIAN
So this guy who heard the joke
didn’t know it was a joke and he
went out and bought two hamsters
and a cattle prod -
Across the table, MISSOULA SLIM and TWO OLDER CRONIES look
on good-naturedly, as if Brian is a harmless side-show.
Jackie hovers in the b.g., fixing drinks.
BRIAN
What’ll it be, gents? Seven hi-lo?
Texas hold ’em?
MISSOULA SLIM
First, we want the tits.
BRIAN
(hesitates)
Tits?
MISSOULA SLIM
Jackie says you got tits. We would
like to view them.
BRIAN
I thought we were here to play
poker.
MISSOULA SLIM
First, the tits.
Brian isn’t happy about this. He looks to Jackie, who
shrugs, then back to Missoula and his boys, who are
waiting patiently.
MISSOULA SLIM
We was promised a private show.
JACKIE
After the game, Slim.
MISSOULA SLIM
Now would be more convenient.
Slowly, Brian untucks his shirt, pulls out the tail, and
then unbuttons it. He’s wearing a front-clasp sports bra.
MISSOULA SLIM
No bra. I want skin.
Brian hesitates longer.
BRIAN
Can’t we play a few hands first?
Missoula doesn’t answer; just sits there. Brian unsnaps
the sports bra.
OVER BRIAN’S SHOULDER SHOT — MISSOULA SLIM’S EYES get big,
then he breaks into PEALS OF LAUGHTER.
CUTAWAY — BRIAN’S FACE. Complete humiliation. He closes
his shirt.
The cronies are having a great time. All three think it’s
the funniest thing they ever saw. Slim is barely able to
talk, he's laughing so hard.
MISSOULA SLIM
You are one sick puppy.
They get up from their chairs and prepare to leave.
BRIAN
What? Where’s everybody going?
The three gamblers ignore him.
MISSOULA SLIM
(to Jackie)
I’ll never call you a liar again.
CRONY #1
You got yourself a mad dog there,
Jackie.
They each hand Jackie a thousand dollars as they file out
of the room, LAUGHING.
MISSOULA SLIM
See you around, pal.
Jackie looks back at Brian, who is devastated.
JACKIE
Hey Slim?
Missoula Slim turns back around to Jackie, who unleashes a
roundhouse punch to Slim's jaw. Slim goes down to the
floor.
Brian is stunned - as is everyone else.
JACKIE
The thousand was for setting up the
game, not a fuckin' titty show!
As Slim gets back up. Jackie starts to go for him again.
Brian holds him off.
BRIAN
Jackie!
(quietly with
reverence)
That's Missoula Slim.
Slim gets up. He holds his jaw.
MISSOULA SLIM
My lawyer will be in touch, you
little fuck.
Missoula Slim and his cronies walk down the hall. Jackie
and Brian go back into the suite.
BRIAN
What was that?
JACKIE
He promised you a game.
Brian picks up the three thousand that has fallen to the
floor.
BRIAN
For a moment there, I thought you
were gonna get all righteous on me
and throw the money in his face.
JACKIE
I'm righteous, but I'm not stupid.
INT. KATRINA’S KITCHEN -- NIGHT
Katrina gathers fajita makings while Brian sits at the
kitchen table, practicing his coin tricks. They are not
quite comfortable with each other — the day-after jitters.
BRIAN
I don’t usually eat in people's
houses. You wanna go out?
Katrina opens the refrigerator and takes out two tomatoes.
KATRINA
What’s wrong with just us together,
with no strangers listening in?
He drops three coins on the table, then four cards, three
of them covering coins.
BRIAN
I’m not used to it.
She chops the first tomato.
KATRINA
What do you do at home, when you’re
the only one there?
BRIAN
I go to bed.
KATRINA
(smiles)
Okay. We can go to bed later.
Brian smiles back.
KATRINA
So, I, um, came up with an
interesting idea and my boss really
went for it.
Brian picks up a card that should have a coin under it,
but it doesn’t.
BRIAN
You have a boss? I thought you were
the boss.
KATRINA
Everybody has a boss. You want to
hear my idea?
BRIAN
Watch this.
He picks up the other cards and all three coins are under
the card which wasn’t covering anything.
KATRINA
I’m pretty sure we can get you an
act at the Hard Rock.
Brian kind of seizes up.
KATRINA
One night. But if it goes well,
maybe a steady gig. Not the main
stage, but who knows . . .
Brian’s voice is steady, controlled.
BRIAN
When did you come up with this
interesting idea?
KATRINA
Today. After I saw you mesmerize
those boys at the bar the other
night, I got to thinking....
Brian looks at her; she won’t raise her head.
BRIAN
I owe Jackie a hundred dollars.
KATRINA
What?
BRIAN
He bet me you would pull this shit.
KATRINA
Let me tell you about your buddy
Jackie.
Brian has the face of a stubborn four year old.
KATRINA
You lived in a toilet for thirty
days and split your take with him.
Did he split his take with you?
BRIAN
Every bit of it.
KATRINA
Well, I called my friend at
Binions.
He said they paid Jackie five
thousand dollars to set up your
bathroom marathon.
BRIAN
You’re lying.
Katrina goes to the refrigerator.
KATRINA
Why would I lie?
As she reaches for the green peppers BRIAN
Because you’re jealous. Women can’t
stand it when two guys trust each
other. It drives you crazy.
Katrina SLAMS the refrigerator door.
KATRINA
I'm jealous of Jackie?
Brian is confused, not sure how he ended up on the
defensive when she is the deceitful one.
BRIAN
You’re trying to change the
subject.
KATRINA
What is the subject, Brian? You
tell me.
BRIAN
The subject is you want to use my
body to help your precious career.
That is why you slept with me last
night.
KATRINA
Brian, don’t be an asshole.
BRIAN
Everybody’s working an angle, and
that includes you.
Katrina shouts KATRINA
You know your problem!
BRIAN
No, but you're gonna tell me.
She’s fighting back tears.
KATRINA
You desperately want love from
total strangers, but you’re scared
shitless of letting one person know
the real you and not the class
clown.
BRIAN
The clown is the real me.
KATRINA
I don’t have time to watch you
self-destruct over male-bonding
bullshit.
Get out!
Off Brian’s sense of betrayal....
INT. JACKIE’S JACUZZI ROOM — NIGHT
Jackie is sitting in his hot tub, smoking a cigar. Brian
crashes through the door. He's hyped up.
BRIAN
Come on down to the Thunderbird!
A beat as Jackie smiles.
JACKIE
Now you're talking.
MONIQUE'S HEAD suddenly surfaces from between Jackie’s
legs.
Brian doesn’t blink.
Jackie smiles.
A Lady"
Music builds: Aerosmith's "Dude Looks Like
MONTAGE OF BRIAN'S NIGHT LEARNING TO STRIP
In the strip club, Brian learns to DANCE/STRIP with four
STRIPPERS. He's not terrible graceful. It looks like a
strange line dance.
Later, Brian is given instruction on how to TWIRL NIPPLE
TASSELS. He has absolutely no luck with this task. Jackie
has a good laugh.
Later still, Jackie sits stone-faced as he watches what's
happening on stage.
Brian is HANGING UPSIDE DOWN on the STRIPPER POLE. Next to
him another STRIPPER hangs the same way on another pole,
hands out to her sides. She slides down quickly stopping
just short of the floor. Brian tries to do the same. He
slides slowly for about six inches, then slams, quickly
and ungracefully, head first into the floor.
PROFESSIONAL PHOTO SHOOT of Brian in a showgirl costume,
reminiscent of Sally’s get-up in the photo with Sammy
Davis Jr.
Brian, in a tank top and shorts, signs autographs for a
bunch of teenagers at the mall. Walter stands beside
Brian, holding his robe. Jackie and Sally, talk to each
other in the b.g.
MAGAZINE COVER. Brian in the slinky nightie. Big headline
that says THE BOOB.
Sally teaches Brian how to twirl tassels. They both wear
sport bras with tassels attached to the front.
Brian stands in front of a mirror, waxing his chest.
ANOTHER MAGAZINE COVER. Brian in a bikini top. Headline
reads: THE MAN WITH THE $100,000 BREASTS.
INT. JACKIE'S CONDO -- NIGHT
From table level as the camera follows each card being
dealt, we see Jackie, Walter, Sammy, and D.D. None of them
even take notice of their cards. Finally the camera lands
on Brian.
He's the one dealing. He wears a small white tank top. No
bra. His nipples are at full salute. There is a huge
stack of chips in front of Brian.
The other guys just stare at Brian's chest in disbelief.
Brian is having the time of his life.
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. HOWARD STERN'S RADIO SHOW STUDIO -- MORNING
HOWARD, ROBIN, FRED and the rest of the gang sit in studio
looking at BRIAN who wears a sports bra. Flanking Brian
on either side are TWO STRIPPER types, one with
unbelievably large breasts. A tape plays on TV from
Brian's appearance on Vegas Today.
BRIAN
(on TV tape)
I'm saving these babies for
network.
HOWARD
(stops the tape)
This is about as network as you're
going to get. C'mon. Tell the
truth.
You're as gay as Liberace, aren't
you?
BRIAN
I'm not gay. I'm just a guy with
boobs.
HOWARD
A simple man with a large rack, is
that what you're saying?
BRIAN
You might like a set yourself.
You'd be surprised at the amount of
poontang I've gotten since these
babies were put in.
Howard, Brian and the rest ad lib a bit about Brian's
dating habits. The strippers really like him. (We'll take
some of the actual lines from the actual interview on
Howard's show.)
HOWARD
Well, Brian the Boob man, the grand
unveiling time has come! Let's see
'em!
BRIAN
What kind of idiot shows off his
breasts on a radio show? You come
down to the Thunderbird Saturday.
I'll give you a sneak peek before
the show. And bring Robin.
CUTAWAY to a pleased JACKIE (in the wings).
INT. FLOYD'S OFFICE -- CONTINUOUS
Floyd sits at his desk listening to the radio. He, like
Jackie, is very pleased.
HOWARD (V.O.)
Sounds like a road trip to me!
Gary....
INT. KATRINA’S CONDO — SIMULTANEOUS
Katrina sits on her couch in her bathrobe, drinking
coffee, listening to the radio.
BRIAN
(on radio)
It’s the Festival of Breasts, next
Saturday at 8 p.m.
HOLD on Katrina.
INT. BRIAN’S KITCHENETTE MOTEL ROOM -- MORNING
Brian is alone at the breakfast/dining table. A porn film
plays on the TV. The girl in the film is doing one of
those classic porn chick "things" by licking her own
nipple. Brian watches and ponders the possibility. He
takes off his sweatshirt.
From behind we see his bare back. Brian cranks his head
over in an awkward position. We stay close on Brian's face
as he cranes his neck, sticking his tongue out as far as
he can.
We see the top (roundness) of Brian's breast, but never
quite see any of the nipple. He flicks his tongue back and
forth.
And yes. We are sufficiently grossed out...in a funny
fucking way.
WALTER enters without knocking.
WALTER
Brian! Time to....
Brian jumps. Walter get's a look at what's Brian's doing
and simply backs out real slow like.
Oooh. Ahhh.
WALTER
Sorry.
But Walter is frozen in place, staring at Brian's chest.
BRIAN
Strippers do this all the time.
WALTER
Right. Ummm. It's just. Ummm.
Walter stammers us right out of the motel room. Brian
yells after him.
BRIAN (O.S.)
It doesn't mean anything!
EXT. STRIP — EVENING
Brian walks down the Strip, past the tourists, past the
KIDS passing out hooker flyers. He suddenly stops and
looks up at
BRIAN’S POV — A HUGE BILLBOARD. PHOTO OF BRIAN,
With COME TO THE THUNDERBIRD, WHERE THE ACTION NEVER
STOPS.
Brian is dressed as a showgirl. We recognize the costume
from the photo shoot at the beginning of the montage.
A TALL WOMAN in a short skirt and blouse brushes past him.
She double-takes on him and stops.
TALL WOMAN
Hey, you with the dynamite breast
implants.
Brian looks.
TALL WOMAN
Remember me?
It’s BETTY the TRANSSEXUAL from the doctor's waiting room.
They check each other out.
BETTY
I’ll show you mine if you show me
yours.
Brian starts to say No, but he changes his mind. They both
take off their shirts there on the sidewalk. Betty’s bra
is lacy with underwires. Brian is still in the sports bra.
BRIAN
Nice cleavage.
BETTY
Right back atcha sister.
Tourists stare. Brian and Betty don't care.
BRIAN
And there you have it. A couple of
guys with boobs.
Brian pulls his shirt on over his head.
BETTY
Honey, don’t you get it? I’m a
woman.
(beat)
I was born in the wrong body.
BRIAN
I’m a man with boobs and you’re a
woman with a pecker.
BETTY
Not for long I’m not. Next month
the nasty little booger comes off.
Brian winces at the thought.
BETTY
But here is the question of the
day:
You are a flaming hetero — why did
you get boobs? And don’t give me
any jive about money.
Brian realizes he can’t bullshit someone who has also had
the operation, so he decides to tell the truth.
BRIAN
I can’t stand to be ignored.
(beat)
Sometimes I get an irresistible
urge to walk up and shake every
stranger I see and yell out "Pay
attention, you asshole! I am
alive!"
BETTY
You picked an interesting way to
shake strangers.
Brian almost laughs, but he can’t.
EXT. STRIP — DAWN
Brian sits on a bench, watching the sun come up behind the
Eiffel Tower.
CLOSE — BRIAN’S FACE.
EXT. HARD ROCK HOTEL PARKING STRUCTURE - ROOFTOP -- DAY
Katrina sits in her car on the roof of the parking lot.
From her perspective we can see the huge Hard Rock guitar
sign/marquee. Beyond that is a billboard of Brian in low
cut evening dress glory. She has a decision to make.
INT. 7-11 -- LATE NIGHT
The place is deserted. Brian stands at the coffee counter
pouring coffee into a Super Big Gulp cup. "Dude Looks
Like A Lady" comes onto the overhead speakers. Brian
catches a glimpse of his reflection in the beer case
doors. He looks around. Nobody.
Slowly Brian starts to do his routine that he learned at
the Fox Box. He checks himself out in the reflection. Not
bad.
He starts to really get into it. He dances his full
routine.
Alone, Brian totally lets loose. And he enjoys himself.
Suddenly, Brian feels as if he's being watched. He looks
up to see the Middle Eastern CASHIER watching intensely.
CASHIER
Very nice.
Brian is pleased...and mortified.
EXT. ESTABLISHING SHOT — THUNDERBIRD — DAY
HUGE MARQUEE — FESTIVAL OF BREASTS, and on the second
line, SEE BRIAN ZEMBIC AND HIS HOOTERS and beneath that
LOOSE SLOTS.
INT. THUNDERBIRD — DAY
THE SHOWROOM is a circus of media — local stations, CNN,
Fox News, BBC. CAMERAMEN set up; reporters do sound
checks. A LINE at the door hands over twenty dollars
apiece cover charge.
The crowd is large, rowdy and swank. The movers and
shakers of Vegas are out to watch the show.
It’s LOUD. A PAIR OF STRIPPERS in schoolgirl outfits work
the main stage.
Floyd makes his way around the room, dressed like a
peacock.
INT. DRESSING ROOM — EVENING
WOMEN are jammed into a long narrow room with a clothes
rack down the middle and mirrors on the side walls. Some
put on costumes, some smoke cigarettes, some apply makeup. Jackie has put together the most eclectic collection
of breasts in Nevada. It’s an all-star tit show.
Brian sits on a bench facing a mirror and make-up counter.
He's shuffling cards, dealing from the bottom. He’s keyed
up, ready to roll. Behind him, SALLY shifts back and forth
as nude and semi-nude women push up and down the aisle.
BRIAN
I think I’ll start off with a
little magic, maybe the hunchback
illusion.
SALLY
Just dance, Brian. These people
aren’t here to see illusions.
Brian shuffles and cuts cards. Next to him, a huge woman
(DELTA AND HER 88s) applies eye make-up.
BRIAN
You think so?
SALLY
Nobody wants to hear an exotic
dancer talk.
BRIAN
You’re the pro.
(beat)
Did you see the guys from ESPN out
there?
SALLY
You’re gonna be famous.
BRIAN
Yep.
Katrina appears next to Sally in the mirror. She and Sally
exchange a look.
SALLY
Remember what I always told you
about strippingBRIAN
Hold back the goods till you see
blood in their eyes.
SALLY
No breasts are as perfect as the
breasts in a man’s imagination.
Sally disappears.
Brian and Katrina make eye contact in the mirror. After a
LONG HOLD, Katrina says KATRINA
Mine aren’t real either.
BRIAN
No shit?
KATRINA
I thought new tits would help me
get what I want.
Brian’s look asks the question.
KATRINA
So far, it’s been a disappointment.
(beat)
And I didn’t sleep with you to help
my career. I slept with you because
I like you. The helping-my-career
part came later.
BRIAN
The next day.
Katrina shrugs.
KATRINA
My boss put me on the spot and I
forgot what matters. Sorta like
what Jackie's doing to you right
now.
Brian considers this information.
They exchange a few seconds of intense eye contact in the
mirror. Katrina smiles.
BRIAN
Jackie isn’t using anything I
didn’t offer.
KATRINA
If putting on a strip show to
promote a casino makes you happy, I
say "Go for it, Brian." Kick ass BRIAN
While I can still lift my leg.
They smile at each other in the mirror.
KATRINA
Knock ’em dead, out there.
She touches his shoulder, then turns and leaves. Brian
stares at his hands on the cards.
DELTA
That’s your girlfriend?
BRIAN
She almost was — once. But it
didn’t work out.
DELTA
Why not?
Brian shrugs.
DELTA
You’re probably better off without
her.
BRIAN
Yeah. Probably.
He doesn't mean it.
INT. BACKSTAGE — LATER
Brian stands in the wings, watching Delta’s act.
BRIAN’S POV — DELTA DOESN’T DANCE SO MUCH AS STRUT UP AND
down, bouncing while the men HOWL at her. She’s having
fun.
They love her, or at least they love her breasts.
Brian watches Jackie move through the crowd, slapping
backs and making customers feel at home. Jackie is at the
top of his game. Suave, perfectly dressed - finally where
he wants to be.
HOLD on Brian.
INT. ON STAGE — DAY
Floyd stands at a long TABLE, behind $200,000 in hundreds.
He holds a microphone.
FLOYD
It’s pay-off time!
The Crowd CHEERS. We see Katrina and Sally at a table off
to the right. Floyd is left-center. D.D., Sammy and Walter
are at the bar with Steve Jordan and his wife, MONA.
FLOYD
Let’s give a hot Thunderbird
welcome to Brian Zembic and his two
hundred thousand dollar breasts!
“I Am the God of Hell Fire” by Arthur Brown BOOMS from the
speakers. The crowd waits expectantly. Then, there he is
— BRIAN and the SEVEN VEILS.
He walks on stage, hiding behind the veils, grinning.
Twenty flashbulbs go off. The cameras WHIR. Brian just
stares at the crowd for a moment.
FLOYD
Dance!
Brian gives a couple of hip thrusts. The crowd HOOTS for
more. Brian starts to bump and grind. The crowd loves him.
Brian eats up the power; he cuts loose in a classic strip
routine.
He drops the first veil and the crowd goes wild. He drops
the second veil. Brian is having the time of his life.
Jackie grins, Sally nods encouragement. Brian looks to
Floyd who has a self-satisfied smirk on his face. Brian
hesitates, momentarily, but the crowd shouts encouragement
and Brian drops the third veil.
The music GROWLS, the CUTS come faster. Brian relishes the
glory of mass adulation; the crowd is his. When he drops
the fifth veil -BRIAN’S
POV -- KATRINA STANDS AND WALKS OUT.
BRIAN’S EYES follow her as she makes her way through the
crowd, past Floyd, and out the door. He stops, stunned,
realizing that she has walked out of his life.
The crowd starts to chant tits, tits, tits.
Brian drops the sixth veil, and the SOUND LEVEL DOUBLES.
But the dancing is different now. Brian is losing the
buzz. The crowd’s faces change. They’re looking at him
the way they looked at Delta. Like he is an object of
ridicule.
Jackie notices and leans forward.
Brian’s dance slows to a gradual stop.
He looks at the stacks of hundred dollar bills on the
table, then at the door where Katrina walked out.
TITS -- TITS -- TITS -- the chant feels elemental, as if
his future is demanding its due.
Brian motions to the DJ and the music stops. Silence.
BRIAN
The deal's off.
(beat)
You can keep the money.
Brian finds his mother in the crowd.
BRIAN
Come on, Mom. We’re outta here.
The crowd erupts in a chorus of BOOS.
Jackie looks to Floyd. Floyd makes a throat-cutting
gesture.
INT. BACK HALLWAY -- NIGHT
Jackie catches Brian and Sally at the dressing room door.
JACKIE
(furious)
Get your ass back out there!
BRIAN
No.
JACKIE
Don’t do this, Brian. Now is not
the time to fuck your partner. Are
you trying to make a fool out of
me?
BRIAN
(speechless)
You?
He looks from his costume to Jackie; the inference is
obvious.
JACKIE
I made commitments here. Promises.
I can’t welch on a promise.
BRIAN
Blame me. I don’t give a shit.
JACKIE
Friends don’t stab each other in
the back.
Brian loses self-control.
BRIAN
Friends don’t rip each other off.
Jackie reacts.
BRIAN
Every scam we ever ran you’ve had
side action going you thought I
didn’t know about.
Jackie’s face turns sour.
BRIAN
What’s at stake on this one,
Jackie?
Why is it so important for me to
strip in front of your pal, Floyd.
Jackie thinks a moment, then -
JACKIE
Twenty percent of the Thunderbird.
Brian is shocked.
BRIAN
That would make you an owner.
Jackie shrugs.
BRIAN
Owners are scum.
JACKIE
Owners are the new players, Brian.
Owners are the only winners now.
Brian can’t believe it. This is a betrayal much worse than
skimming profits off the top. Jackie’s fury has gone up in
smoke, leaving only desperation.
JACKIE
Will you go back out there and
finish the dance?
Brian looks toward the stage, where the CROWD NOISE is
turning ugly. We can hear Floyd at the microphone, trying
to calm down the frustrated crowd -- unsuccessfully.
JACKIE
For me.
Again, Brian looks at the stage, then to Jackie, and
finally to Sally, who smiles in support. Then he turns
and walks into the dressing room, shutting the door in
Jackie’s face.
INT. DRESSING ROOM — -- MOMENTS LATER
Brian is ripping off his pasties. Ouch!
BRIAN
Fuck!
SALLY
That’s not how you do it.
Jackie walks in. Brian sees him.
BRIAN
You got any idea how to take off
pasties?
JACKIE
(more resigned than
angry)
Walking away from the money — and
me — won’t change you. You’re still
Brian Zembic.
Brian throws on a sweatshirt and a pair of jeans.
JACKIE
I'm not going back to hustling
travel groups.
BRIAN
You remember that night we hit the
MGM for a hundred grand?
JACKIE
You sang the wrong song.
BRIAN
It was a good night.
JACKIE
Yeah. It was.
BRIAN
I guess I won’t be seeing you for a
while.
They stand face to face, not knowing what to do. Then,
Brian steps forward and they hug. They both know this is
good-bye.
As Brian and Sally head for the door JACKIE
I’m going to get a casino some day,
and when I do, don’t you even think
about gambling in my place.
Brian stops at the door and turns toward Jackie. They
share one last smile. Brian and Sally exit. We stay on
Jackie.
BRIAN (O.S.)
(from the hallway)
Boom chaka laka laka, Boom chaka
laka laka....
JACKIE
(quietly)
Boom.
In the momentary silence after Brian and Sally leave....
DELTA
When do I get paid?
HOLD on Jackie.
EXT. MIRAGE HOTEL — NIGHT
On the sidewalk crowded with tourists and conventioneers,
Katrina sits on a bench in front of the volcano. She's
depressed. Her hopes are smashed. Suddenly...
SALLY (O.S.)
There she is!
BRIAN (O.S.)
It’s the girl with the fake
hooters.
Katrina looks up to see Brian, grinning, with Sally riding
on his shoulders. Katrina smiles.
BRIAN
We’ve been looking all over for
you.
SALLY
Put me down, Goddamnit.
Brian helps her down, without taking his eyes off Katrina
who hasn’t taken her eyes off him.
SALLY
(proudly)
This idiot walked away from the
money.
BRIAN
What are you so happy about?
SALLY
I bet Jackie eighty G you would bag
the gig.
BRIAN
You bet against your own son?
SALLY
I figured if I lost, you’d cover
the bet from the two hundred thou.
It was insurance.
Brian looks at his mother in amazement.
KATRINA
I’m proud of you.
BRIAN
Yeah, well, I value your opinion.
A bus load of Koreans starts to spill onto the street.
KATRINA
Are you going to pull the breasts
now?
BRIAN
Of course not.
He charges toward the Koreans, followed by his women.
BRIAN
Why should I pull ’em?
(shouts)
Hey! Where you folks from? Kansas?
You have that look of Kansas.
The Koreans stare at him, not understanding a word. A few
take his picture.
BRIAN
This is my girlfriend, Katrina, and
my mother, Sally. We’re here to
welcome you to Las Vegas.
KATRINA
Just because I owe you a baby
doesn’t mean I’m your girlfriend.
BRIAN
Fifty thousand says we get married
by June first.
She reacts. He goes back to the Koreans.
BRIAN
When I snap my fingers, this
volcano here is going to jump up
and dance.
He SNAPS his fingers. Nothing happens.
Brian looks at Katrina and smiles. She smiles back at him.
Then she SNAPS her fingers and the volcano ERUPTS. Lava
shoots into the air.
BRIAN
Thar she blows!
As the CAMERA PULLS BACK and the MUSIC (Me First and the
Gimmee Gimmee's version of "Luck Be a Lady Tonight")
BUILDS BRIAN
Hey, tourists, look at these!
He pulls his shirt off over his head and, for the first
time, we see BRIAN'S BREASTS, in all their glory!
The tourists are dumbfounded. But they start taking
pictures anyway. Brian, Katrina and Sally turn and walk
down the strip, laughing.
CREDITS ROLL
Interspersed throughout the credits is footage of the real
Brian Zembic. He does tricks for the camera.
Interspersed then, over the real Brian Zembic footage is
simple type over black that gives us the following
epilogue:
The real Brian Zembic still lives in Las Vegas with his 4
year old daughter. He still gambles for a living.
Brian's buddies paid up on their original bet.
Brian then bet his buddies another fifty thousand dollars,
that a movie would be made about the bet.
It's been six years since the original bet was made. Brian
still has the breasts.
THE END