Communication Strategies
Instructor Guide
Providing Superior Training for
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800-305-3855
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Rev 12/08
PDSPE05
About ExecuTrain
Since its founding in 1984, ExecuTrain has become the industry leader in providing
assessment, design, development and implementation of professional development
solutions for companies worldwide. In fact, over 12 million business people have been
served by ExecuTrain throughout our 150 locations in 25 countries.
ExecuTrain has implemented major training and system rollouts for small, medium,
large, Fortune 500, and Fortune 1000 clients. By providing standardized instruction, both
corporations and students are assured of consistency across the ExecuTrain network.
Now ExecuTrain Professional Development Services builds on that outstanding reputation
by delivering an expanded set of analysis and consulting services, which are designed to
help clients to plan, execute and monitor the effectiveness of their internal learning and
development initiatives.
Contact Information
ExecuTrain West Corporate Office
2005 De La Cruz Blvd., Suite 200
Santa Clara, CA 95050
(800) 305-3855
www.executrainwest.com
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agreements. No part of this document can be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or
transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying,
recording or otherwise without the prior written permission of Velsoft International Inc.
Table of Contents
Instructor Guide ........................................................................................................................................... 1
Agenda: Day One.......................................................................................................................................... 2
Session One: Introduction and Course Overview ........................................................................................... 3
Icebreaker: Animal Nature ............................................................................................................................. 5
Session Two: The Ten Commandments of Positive Relationships ................................................................ 6
Session Three: Self-Awareness ...................................................................................................................... 7
Do You Question Your Competence?................................................................................................... 7
The Four Fears ...................................................................................................................................... 9
Session Four: Communication.......................................................................................................................10
What is a Skilled Communicator?........................................................................................................10
Individual Evaluation ...........................................................................................................................10
Debrief .................................................................................................................................................11
Break .............................................................................................................................................................11
Session Five: Communication Barriers .........................................................................................................12
Case Study: New Neighbors ................................................................................................................12
Group Exercise ....................................................................................................................................13
Debrief .................................................................................................................................................13
Applying the Answers ..........................................................................................................................14
This or That ..........................................................................................................................................15
Lunch .............................................................................................................................................................15
Energizer: Word Play ....................................................................................................................................16
Session Six: Asking Questions ......................................................................................................................17
Asking Good Questions .......................................................................................................................17
Probing .................................................................................................................................................19
Pushing My Buttons .............................................................................................................................21
Debrief .................................................................................................................................................22
Break .............................................................................................................................................................22
Session Seven: Listening Skills .....................................................................................................................23
Quick Quiz ...........................................................................................................................................23
Answers ...............................................................................................................................................24
How Do You Rate Your Listening Ability?.........................................................................................25
Active Listening Skills .........................................................................................................................26
The Communication Funnel.................................................................................................................28
Communication Situations ...................................................................................................................30
Debrief .................................................................................................................................................30
Planning a Vacation .............................................................................................................................31
Day One Wrap-Up .........................................................................................................................................32
Agenda: Day Two ........................................................................................................................................33
Session Eight: Remembering Names.............................................................................................................34
Session Nine: Body Language .......................................................................................................................35
What Do Our Bodies Say? ...................................................................................................................35
Gestures ...............................................................................................................................................39
Debrief .................................................................................................................................................42
Emotions ..............................................................................................................................................43
Session Ten: Johari Windows........................................................................................................................44
What is the Johari Window? ................................................................................................................44
Defining the Styles ...............................................................................................................................45
Break ....................................................................................................................................................45
The Johari Styles ..................................................................................................................................46
Trust .....................................................................................................................................................48
Session Eleven: Self-Image ...........................................................................................................................49
Seven Things People Determine from Your Appearance ....................................................................49
Pre-Assignment ....................................................................................................................................49
Debrief .................................................................................................................................................50
Self-Evaluation ....................................................................................................................................50
Morning Wrap-Up .........................................................................................................................................51
Lunch .............................................................................................................................................................51
Energizer: Observation Skills ........................................................................................................................52
Session Twelve: Frame of Reference ............................................................................................................53
Frame of Reference ..............................................................................................................................53
The Coat...............................................................................................................................................54
Debrief .................................................................................................................................................55
Break .............................................................................................................................................................55
Session Thirteen: Five Approaches to Relationships ....................................................................................56
The Five Approaches ...........................................................................................................................56
Group Definitions ................................................................................................................................57
Presentations ........................................................................................................................................58
Session Fourteen: Assertiveness ....................................................................................................................59
Self-Attitude.........................................................................................................................................59
Case Study: A Negative Image ............................................................................................................63
Debrief .................................................................................................................................................64
The Assertive Formula .........................................................................................................................65
Expressing Your No .............................................................................................................................66
Workshop Wrap-Up ......................................................................................................................................68
Communication Strategies |
Instructor Guide
Before the Workshop
Read through the instructor guide. This is intended as a guide and not a bible. Be guided
by your experience, the needs of the participants, and your own common sense, as well as
the information in here. Most of the suggestions and all of the information have been
developed through research and hands-on, classroom experience.
We recommend arriving at least one hour before the start of the session, particularly on
Day One of working with a client. We suggest you shake hands with each participant as
they come into the classroom and introduce yourself to them; it breaks the ice and sets the
type of friendly atmosphere that is conducive to learning.
Many of the flip charts can be prepared ahead of time. The first page should be set up like
this:
 Name of Workshop
 Facilitated by (Your Name)
 Your Organization’s Name
Include in a different color, around the perimeter of the room, the words Courtesy,
Participation, and Confidentiality. You might also want to add the words Exercises, Role
Play, Learning, and Fun.
Materials Required
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Flip chart paper
Markers
Small prizes (optional)
One Emotions card per participant (found in the Handouts folder)
Two trays with fifteen to twenty items each
A jacket or other piece of clothing
Five pieces of flip chart paper, with one of the following headings on each sheet:
Mystery-Mastery, Structural, Sympathy-Supportive, Empathy-Collaborative,
Mutual-Confrontive
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Agenda: Day One
8:30-8:45
Session One: Introduction and Course Overview
8:45-9:00
Icebreaker: Animal Nature
9:00-9:15
Session Two: The Ten Commandments of Positive Relationships
9:15-9:45
Session Three: Self-Awareness
9:45-10:30
Session Four: Communication
10:30-10:45
Break
10:45-12:00
Session Five: Communication Barriers
12:00-1:00
Lunch
1:00-1:15
Energizer: Word Play
1:15-2:15
Session Six: Asking Questions
2:15-2:30
Break
2:30-4:15
Session Seven: Listening Skills
4:15-4:30
Day One Wrap-Up
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Session One: Introduction and Course Overview
(8:30-8:45)
Introduce yourself. Establish credibility by giving examples of training experience, and
your own experiences with communications, including some war stories if you have
them.
Ask that participants respect confidentiality: what we say in this room stays in this room.
Remind them that it was Mark Twain who said, “If two people have the same opinion,
you don’t need one of them,” so we are at liberty to disagree with one another, and with
the instructor.
However, respect other people’s opinions. We ask that you act courteously, to make sure
we give other people their share of air time, and that we listen when other people are
talking. Finally, we ask that you participate. You get out of a workshop just about what
you put into it, and you will learn as much from sharing with others as you will from the
concepts we bring you.
Give the participants a chance to introduce themselves to you. You will probably want to
know their name, their department, their position title, and what kind of communications
they do.
Address housekeeping items, like breaks (usually 10:15 and 2:15) and noon hour (12 to 1,
go to lunch on their own). Give them info about washrooms, coffee, and cell phones.
Remind the group that this is a safe house, the place where they can learn from their
mistakes in a supportive atmosphere, rather than in the workplace where it can harm their
credibility or their organization.
Course Overview
Ask students to turn to their workbooks and read the introduction with the overall
objectives of the workshop (Session One). Then ask them to identify their own learning
objectives.
Present the agenda (as a handout, electronic presentation, or flip chart) and look at the
topics you plan to cover. Go over these with the group and ask if there is anything there
they didn’t expect to see, or something not there that they had been hoping for.
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For topics they don’t see:
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Reassure group if a topic will be covered although it doesn’t appear in the agenda.
Opt to squeeze in something not covered if there is time, it’s appropriate, and if
everybody is interested.
For those things they feel are not of interest to the group, you have the option of
touching it briefly and moving on. This doesn’t happen often, but these questions
are your hip pocket needs assessment to make sure participants get what they
expect, if it is possible.
Generally, topics not within the realm of this program must be dealt with at
another time. Suggest other programs, preferably those of Velsoft, or talk with the
participant at end of day.
Learning Objectives
Have you ever wondered why it seems so difficult to talk with some people and so easy
to talk with others? Can you recall an occasion where you met someone for the first time
and immediately liked that person? Something about the individual made you feel
comfortable. A major goal of this workshop is to help you understand the impact your
communication skills have on other people, and how improving these skills can make it
easier for you to get along in the workplace.
At the conclusion of this workshop, you will be expected to:
 Identify common communication problems that may be holding you back
 Develop skills in asking questions that give you information you need
 Learn what your non-verbal messages are telling others
 Develop skills in listening actively and empathetically to others
 Enhance your ability to handle difficult situations
 Deal with situations assertively
You may also want to ask participants to write their own learning objectives in their
workbook.
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Icebreaker: Animal Nature
(8:45-9:00)
Ask each member of the group to introduce themselves, tell one thing about themselves
(example: what they do in their spare time), and explain what kind of animal they would
be and why they would choose this animal.
You may want to use word association with this as well, as in “Marvelous Maria” or
“Gregarious Greg,” and stipulate that each adjective can only be used once.
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Session Two: The Ten Commandments of
Positive Relationships
(9:00-9:15)
Here are ten rules that will help you build positive relationships:
1) Speak to people: There is nothing as nice as a cheerful word of greeting.
2) Smile at people: It takes 72 muscles to frown, only 14 to smile.
3) Call people by name: The sweetest music to anyone’s ears is the sound of their own
name.
4) Be friendly and helpful: To make a friend, you have to be a friend.
5) Be cordial: Speak and act as if everything you do is a genuine pleasure.
6) Be genuinely interested in people: You can like almost anybody if you try.
7) Be generous with praise, cautious with criticism.
8) Be considerate with the feelings of others. There are usually three sides to a
controversy: yours, the other fellow’s, and the right side.
9) Be alert to give service: What counts most in life is what we do for others.
10) Add to this a good sense of humor, a big dose of patience, and a dash of humility, and
you will be rewarded many-fold.
None of these are rocket science. Ask participants: on a scale of 1-10, how would you
rate your present ability to carry out these 10 commandments daily?
Words are the building blocks of good communication. From infancy we are always
learning new and better ways and words with which to enhance our communications with
others.
Words are very important in our efforts to communicate with others. I will give you selfdefeating, depressing words, and I want you to give me back uplifting, energizing words:
Self-Defeating Talk
Uplifting Talk
There is nothing we can do.
Let’s look at the choices.
They won’t allow that.
We can try something new.
I can’t.
I will…
I must.
We can…
If only.
From here on…
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Session Three: Self-Awareness
(9:15-9:45)
Do You Question Your Competence?
(15 minutes)
Ask everyone to fill out the questionnaire in the workbook. Let them know that we won’t
discuss this in the workshop. This is just for you to complete privately, preferably before
we finish the workshop, to shed some light on your own areas of concern. Self-awareness
is the first step toward understanding yourself and making a choice as to whether you
wish to change certain current patterns of behavior to more productive ones.
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Do You Question Your Competence?
Our confidence in our ability to express ourselves well and to keep our composure in
difficult situations can be a crucial asset in the workplace. If we are frequently anxious
about making mistakes, or looking foolish, we limit our own strength. Do you brim with
self-confidence or do you fear appearing incompetent in front of co-workers and friends?
Complete the following quiz to shed some light on your feelings.
Yes
I’m concerned that I’m not effective enough when dealing
with my supervisor or my co-workers.
After I’ve had a conversation with someone, I sometimes
worry if I’ve said anything that could be constructed as
offensive.
I am frequently in a position of trying to counteract a bad
impression I believe I’ve made.
I rarely worry about being considered by others as
misinformed or ignorant on things.
When I’m in social situations, I’m not concerned about
following rules of etiquette or being self-conscious.
I tend to fret that others may think I don’t know what I’m
doing.
I fear that others may not see me as adequately
disciplined.
I usually wonder whether my co-workers think that I’m
not putting enough time and energy into my job.
I avoid criticizing someone else’s judgment for fear of
appearing in the wrong.
I tend to worry that others will laugh at my ideas.
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The Four Fears
(15 minutes)
According to research done by psychologist Shirley Winslow, PhD, of the University of
Alberta, we ALL have four fears. They are:
 Fear of failure
 Fear of humiliation or embarrassment
 Fear of losing power
 Fear of rejection
Usually one of these fears is the strongest. This is the one that influences your behavior
most often, the one that quite likely showed up most often on your questionnaire. Do you
have a clearer picture of your own fears? Which one is driving you?
Take a minute or two to go around the room and solicit answers. You may want to ask
participants why they think the fear they identified is their greatest fear. What behaviors
do they adopt that make them think that way? Do they have suggestions for overcoming
that fear? Do others have suggestions for them?
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Session Four: Communication
(9:45-10:30)
What is a Skilled Communicator?
(15 minutes)
Ask the group: what is your definition of a skilled communicator? Put answers on flip
chart. (Traits mentioned usually include someone who expresses him/herself well, who is
a good listener, and who is sensitive to the needs of others.)
Most of us have times when we are skilled communicators and other times when we are
at our worst. Think of a time when you are at your best. What do you do? How do you
act? Ask everyone to write down their responses.
Now think of a time when you are at your worst as a communicator. What do you do?
How do you act? Again, ask everyone to write down their responses.
Individual Evaluation
(15 minutes)
Now find another person in the room with whom to share your observations about your
communication skills. Preferably, choose to talk with someone in another department or
someone you don’t know very well. You will have about 5 minutes for the two of you to
share your thoughts. After about 5 minutes, ask the pairs to split up and each move on to
find another partner. Then repeat the exercise.
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Debrief
(15 minutes)
Bring the group back together and debrief. What did everyone learn about themselves?
Break
(10:30-10:45)
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Session Five: Communication Barriers
(10:45-12:00)
Case Study: New Neighbors
(15 minutes)
Tell the group the following story or a similar story from your own experience:
You’ve taken a job working in a British manufacturing plant. You and your family are
able to find a nice home to rent and you are happy to notice that the couple living next
door is approximately your age. The afternoon you move in, you and your family go next
door to introduce yourselves to your neighbors. Although they are polite, they don’t seem
very friendly. Several days later, while you are preparing dinner for an important
associate, you run out of sugar and rush next door to borrow a cup. Again you received a
polite but cool reception from your neighbor. What is the problem?
Possible answers:
a) They don’t like your culture.
b) You appeared pushy by introducing yourselves as soon as you arrived.
c) The British do not necessarily socialize with their neighbors.
d) English culture dictates that newcomers to a neighborhood must wait for an
established neighbor to initiate the association.
The correct answer is quite probably b. A cardinal rule of British society is not to be
pushy. People like to get to know one another gradually and believe that friendship has to
be worked for or it’s not worth anything. Generally it takes a long time to become
established in English neighborhoods. And the British are still very conscious of class, so
people do not necessarily socialize with one another because they live in the same
neighborhood, but because they are of the same social class.
This is one barrier to good communication with others. We see them through the eyes of
our own culture. Can you think of examples you have experienced?
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Group Exercise
(15 minutes)
Divide the group into pairs and assign several communication barriers for each to work
on, depending on the number of people in the room. Ask each pair to provide an
explanation of how each of these windows can be a barrier and, if possible, give an
example to illustrate that barrier.
 Experience
 Emotions
 Background
 Attitudes
 Culture
 Subject Knowledge
 Prejudice
 Mood
 Wording
 Education
 Noise Level
 Ambiguity
 Perceptions
 Non-Verbal Messages
 Hearing Difficulties
Debrief
(15 minutes)
Bring the group back together and see what everyone came up with.
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Applying the Answers
(15 minutes)
Now that we have established some of the barriers to good communication, let’s see how
they affect us in everyday life. Have a group discussion around these topics:
 What are some of the things that can be done in your organization/department to
communicate better?
 Are these physical or mental activities?
 Are these individual or team activities?
 If your organization/department were a zoo, what kind of inhabitants would it
have?
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This or That
(15 minutes)
This exercise requires space for participants to form 2 parallel lines, about 6-9 feet apart.
Ask participants to form two lines, one on the right side of the room, and one on the left
side. One side is THIS and one side is THAT. Read off each item and ask participants to
move to the side they think they identify with.
Object: People see how many differences there are in their preferences.
Question: What do you identify with more: THIS or THAT?
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THIS:
BMW
Boston
Violet
Popcorn
Waterfall
Flute
Dog
Baseball Bat
Wave
Dam
Mountain
Sugar
Go
The Moon
Summer
Right
Skateboard
Power Boat
Wine
Big Mac
Lunch
(12:00-1:00)
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THAT:
Ford Truck
San Francisco
Sunflower
Brownies
Pond
Tuba
Cat
Baseball
The Beach
Bridge
Valley
Salt
Stop
The Sun
Winter
Left
Pogo Stick
Sailboat
Beer
Yogurt
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Energizer: Word Play
(1:00-1:15)
Have the group divide into small teams of 3-4. Write the words “INTERPERSONAL
COMMUNICATION” on the flip chart and ask them to make as many words as they can,
using each letter only once. Team that wins gets a prize of candy or other small prizes.
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Session Six: Asking Questions
(1:15-2:15)
Asking Good Questions
(15 minutes)
Open Questions vs. Closed Questions
The two most basic elements of good communication are asking questions and listening
to others. Our first topic will be asking good questions.
There are two kinds of questions: open and closed.
Closed questions are those that can be answered by either yes or no, or with a specific bit
of data, such as your name, date of birth, or occupation. These questions restrict our
responses and give us little opportunity to develop our thoughts. As a result, they require
little effort and can even close down a conversation.
This type of question tends to get over-used, partially because they require very little
effort on the questioner’s part as well. They are easy to phrase and we get quick answers.
Unfortunately such questions also can lead us to assume, and assumptions can be big
barriers to good communication.
Open questions, on the other hand, encourage people to talk. These questions are phrased
so they cannot be answered with a simple yes or no. Open questions often begin with a
variation of the five W’s, (who, what, when, where, why), or can ask how.
Questions are used to:
 Get information
 Focus conversations
 Solicit opinions
 Gain consensus
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Closed questions begin the closing process. The unintentional use of a closed question
can often be overcome by the simple expedient of following it with a simple open
question. For example:
 "Do you feel that was the right thing to do?"
 "Yes, I do."
 "Can you help me understand why you feel that way?"
There are several different types of open-ended questions. The most useful are probing
questions that search for more information, and investigate in more detail.
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Probing
(15 minutes)
Your role in gathering information from others to draw out information from the
individual that is critical to your understanding. Most of us are better at presenting our
own point of view than we are at drawing out information from others.
A good name for this skill of gathering information from others is probing.
When you probe, you:
 Get others involved and participating. Since probes are designed to produce a
response, it’s unlikely the other person will remain passive.
 Get important information on the table. People may not volunteer information, or
the information they present may not be clear. Your probes help people open up
and present or clarify their information.
 Force yourself to listen. Since probes are most effective in a sequence, you have
to listen to a person’s response.
 Help improve communication on both sides of the table.
There are five ways to probe other people.
One of the most common ways of probing is to ask an open question, such as:
 “Can you describe that more clearly?”
 “Would you give me a specific example of what you mean?”
 “What do you think we should do?”
The difficulty here is that if you ask too many of these the other person begins to feel like
they are under interrogation.
A second, very effective way of probing is a pause. Stop talking. Let the other person
speak; let them fill the silence.
A third way is to ask a reflective or mirroring question. For example, the person has just
said, “What I really want is more variety in my work,” and you may respond by just
reflecting back to them, “Variety?” The reflective question usually provides you with an
expanded answer without you appearing to ask more questions. Of course, it is best used
in conjunction with a pause. Reflective questions or statements focus on clarifying and
summarizing without interrupting the flow of the conversation. They indicate your intent
to understand the sender’s thoughts and feelings.
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A fourth method that is particularly useful to make certain you are clear about what the
individual has said is paraphrasing what has just been said, in your own words. “So if I
understand you correctly, you…”
You can use this response to show that you want to increase the accuracy of your
understanding of what has just been said. You may also want to use it to ensure the
sender hears what he has just said. Finally, paraphrasing reassures the sender that you are
trying to understand what he/she is saying.
The last method, most often used as a conversation is winding down, is the summary
question. “You have tried ignoring the scent of your colleague’s cologne, you have talked
with him about how it affects your allergies, and you have tried shutting your door to
keep the scent from your workspace. None of these has worked and now you are asking
me to intervene. Have I got it right?”
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Pushing My Buttons
(15 minutes)
Ask participants to divide into pairs. Explain that you will provide two provocative
statements to each, so that each partner can have a chance to probe the other. The partner
being probed can be as difficult or as easy going as they want. They can also elaborate on
the situation if the probing is going well.
Example
I’m really nervous about speaking in public.
Probes
 What do you mean by speak in public?
 Have you ever had to give a speech?
 Do you want to get over that nervousness?
 How can we help you?
Sample Statements
 I really hate my job.
 I think this city is too hot.
 I really dislike cooking.
 You’re not very good at your job.
 I don’t like the way you speak to me.
 I think the report you wrote is terrible.
 Your new hair cut isn’t flattering.
 I wish I didn’t have to go to that meeting tomorrow.
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Debrief
(15 minutes)
Bring the group back together. Center the discussion on the following topics:
 How difficult was it to probe someone being very negative and not open to
conversation?
 Were the personal insults more difficult to probe than the general comments?
 Did the person being probed become more or less open to communication as the
discussion went on?
 Were you able to extract more information from the person being probed?
 How did the person being probed feel?
Break
(2:15-2:30)
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Session Seven: Listening Skills
(2:30-4:15)
Quick Quiz
(5 minutes)
As an introduction, do a quick quiz on listening skills. Participants will be asked 10
questions with very short answers. Ask them to listen carefully and answer as many as
they can correctly. (There is blank space in the workbook for this.)
1) Is there any federal law against a man marrying his widow’s sister?
2) If you went to bed at 8 o’clock at night and set your wind-up alarm clock to wake you
up at 9 o’clock the next morning, and fell asleep immediately, how many hours of
sleep would you get?
3) Do they have a 4th of July in England?
4) If you had only one match and entered a cold room that had a kerosene lamp, an oil
heater, and a wood stove, which would you light first for maximum heat?
5) How many animals of each species did Moses take aboard the Ark with him before
the great flood?
6) The Yankees and the White Sox play five games. They each win 3 games. There were
no ties or disputed games involved. How could they each win 3 games?
7) How many birthdays does the average man have? How many does the average
woman have?
8) According to international law, if an airplane should crash on the exact border
between two countries, would unidentified survivors be buried in the country they
were traveling to or the country they were traveling from?
9) An archeologist claims he has dug up a coin that is clearly dated 46 BC. How do we
know he is a liar?
10) A family builds an ordinary house with four sides, except that each side has a
southern exposure. A bear comes to the door and rings the doorbell. What color is the
bear?
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Answers
(10 minutes)
Here are the answers to the quiz:
1) There is no law against a man marrying his widow’s sister, but if she were a widow,
he would have to be dead.
2) You’d get one hour. Alarm clocks don’t know the difference between morning and
night.
3) Yes, and they have a 5th, a 6th, etc. They just don’t celebrate it.
4) First of all, you’d light the match.
5) Moses took no animals at all. It was Noah who took two of each species.
6) The Yankees and the White Sox weren’t playing each other.
7) The average man, and the average woman, only has one birth day. But we celebrate
that birth on the anniversary of the birth day.
8) You can’t bury survivors under any law. They would object.
9) B.C. means “before Christ” and nobody could predict his birth that accurately.
10) The only place you could build a house with four southern exposures is at the North
Pole, so the bear is a white polar bear.
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How Do You Rate Your Listening Ability?
(15 minutes)
One reason listening is so important is that we do so much of it every day. According to
research, listening occupies about 80 percent of our waking hours. Studies confirm that
good listeners make good managers. Members of the Academy of Certified
Administrative Managers selected active listening as the most crucial management skill.
See how you score yourself on the test below. Don’t answer the questions too quickly. It
is easy to confuse what you know is right from what you actually do. This test has been
compiled from a great number of textbook questionnaires on the subject.
1)
2)
3)
4)
Do you enjoy listening?
Is it easy for you to listen with interest to a large variety of subjects?
Do your friends seek you out to discuss a problem or decision when they need help?
Does your attention usually stray toward other groups or people entering or leaving
the room?
5) Do you interrupt?
6) Are you more apt to be thinking ahead to what you will say next rather than weighing
what you are being told?
7) Do you stop listening to everything when you strongly disagree with the speaker on
one point?
8) Do you assume or anticipate regarding the other person’s views?
9) Do you feel you can judge most people quite quickly before hearing them out?
10) Do you generalize (All those old people think… all redheads…..all college kids….)?
11) Do you encourage others to elaborate or clarify points you have misunderstood?
12) Do you listen to what is not said, such as the obvious omission?
Scoring
 Give yourself 2 points if you answered “yes” for question 1. You enjoy listening
as much as you enjoy talking.
 Give yourself 2 points if you answered “no” to questions 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, and 10.
 Give yourself 2 points if you answered “yes” to questions 2, 11, and 12.
Your score: ___________
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Active Listening Skills
(15 minutes)
“God didn’t give us two ears and one mouth so we could talk twice as much as we
listen!”
President Franklin D. Roosevelt used to say that people never really listened to what he
said. They only kept quiet out of courtesy. Every once in a while he would test his theory
and say something like, “So good to see you. I murdered my grandmother this morning.”
But he got caught out on one occasion when a woman, who was probably a particularly
good listener, nodded gravely before replying, “Mr. President, I’m sure she had it coming
to her.”
The problem is that listening and hearing is not the same thing. Most of us were fortunate
to be born with hearing, but listening is a skill, that must be learned, and practiced and
perfected, before it can be used successfully.
Here are some tips for successful listening:
 We should listen for names.
 Listen with interest.
 Try to get rid of your assumptions.
 Listen for what isn’t said.
Listening is hard work. When other people are listening to us, they have the same
difficulties we do. Always be clear to the WIIFM. (What’s in it for me?)
Active listening has three stages:
1) Non-verbal: These are the messages our body sends to others that tell them we are
listening, like leaning forward, making eye contact, nodding our head, attending to
what they say.
2) Cues: Those short phrases that keep us connected and tell the other person we are still
listening. Examples:
 OK
 Go on
 All right
 You’re kidding!
3) Using paraphrasing, clarifying, and summarizing questions. You ask questions to
make sure you understand what is said.
Here are some active listening tips:
 As people talk to you, mentally say to yourself: “Which means that…”
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




Be clear in your own mind what you hope to achieve.
Take the lead in conversations wherever possible. This gives you the
psychological advantage, and you are in the stronger position to direct the
conversation along lines that are favorable to you.
Check your understanding with your six helpers: why, what, where, when, who,
how?
Talk less than you listen.
Try silence.
(Source: Active Listening by Carl R. Rogers and Richard E. Farson)
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The Communication Funnel
(15 minutes)
The communication funnel emphasizes the skill of listening and how it relates to
verbalizing information, feedback, and feeling. All through school we learned how to
speak, read, and write, but not how to listen actively. Now is our opportunity to learn this
skill. We will discover powerful listening tools in this system. Once we discover the keys
to listening, we will surprise ourselves with how easily we can increase our
communication skill. The system is simple and direct, and can be used in any business
situation.
If we understand this funnel, we can rely on it to:
 Find out where we are in a complicated interchange of ideas and opinions.
 Evaluate the way others respond to us.
 Learn how to handle those responses, even if they are unexpected or unwanted.
 Examine alternatives for changes of direction without necessarily sacrificing our
goal in the interaction.
In all our communication, it helps to have a mental picture of what we are doing, where
we want to go, and what we must do to get there. The communication funnel answers this
need, by helping us design a strategy for our communications with others.
A systematic organization allows us to envision what is happening in the verbal
interaction and to anticipate what might be the most productive category to use next. The
categories highlight the verbal options open to us. Together, they provide a “what to do”
guide. A model of the Communication Funnel is shown on the next page.
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Speaker’s
Expressions
Speaker’s
Words
Speaker’s
Body
Language
Speaker’s Tone
of Voice
Speaker
Barriers:
Past Experiences
Maps of Reality –
Paradigms
Education
Listener
Assumptions
Emotional State
Distractions
Biases
Listener
Interpretation
of Meaning
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Communication Situations
(15 minutes)
Divide the class up into small groups of three to four. Provide each with one or two of the
following scenarios. How would they deal with the scenario? How could you make it
easier to communicate?
What would you do if you were trying to talk to someone…
 In a noisy workplace?
 And there were lots of visual distractions around?
 And you felt really tired?
 And they had a very strong accent?
 And they were speaking to fast for you to understand?
 And they were speaking to slowly or softly?
 And they kept using jargon words or terms you didn’t understand?
 And they appeared to be very stressed?
 And they were using emotionally charged words or statements?
 And they were verbally attacking you?
Debrief
(15 minutes)
Bring the group back together and see what solutions everyone came up with.
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Planning a Vacation
(15 minutes)
First, divide the group into pairs. Explain that the tallest person will be Person A, and the
shortest will be Person B. Each pair has one minute to plan a vacation together.
The catch is that after Person A says something, Person B will respond with a “but.”
Example:
 Person A: I want to go somewhere really exciting.
 Person B: Yes, but I don’t want it to be too sunny.
Person A then responds with another but. Example: “Yes, but it needs to have a beach.”
After one minute, we will start Round 2. This time, partners answer with “and.” Example:
 Person A: I want to go somewhere really unique.
 Person B: Yes, and it should have lots of trees.
 Person A: Yes, and we want museums to go to.
After one minute, bring the group back together. Have a discussion around these
questions:
 Even though this was a game, was Round One was starting to bug you at the end
of the minute?
 How do you see those two little words (“and” and “but”) now?
 How can we carry this lesson into real life?
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Day One Wrap-Up
(4:15-4:30)
This is a good time to read the temperature of the room to see if everybody is getting
what they had hoped to get from the day. You may ask them to put a percentage on their
satisfaction level (from 0-100%), or you may ask them to describe the day in terms of, “If
it were a pizza, what kind would it be, and why?” or use some other method for gauging
whether you are on track.
Remind the group you will start promptly at 8:30 next day. Everyone should also bring in
their pre-assignment.
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Agenda: Day Two
8:30-8:45
Session Eight: Remembering Names
8:45-9:45
Session Nine: Body Language
9:45-11:00
Session Ten: Johari Windows
11:00-11:45
Session Eleven: Self-Image
11:45-12:00
Morning Wrap-Up
12:00-1:00
Lunch
1:00-1:15
Energizer: Observation Skills
1:15-2:00
Session Twelve: Frame of Reference
2:00-2:15
Break
2:15-3:00
Session Thirteen: Five Approaches to Relationships
3:00-4:15
Session Fourteen: Assertiveness
4:15-4:30
Workshop Wrap-Up
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Session Eight: Remembering Names
(8:30-8:45)
Ask each person in the room to fill out a seating chart.
When/if they experience difficulty, tell them that remembering names is a very important
part of good interpersonal communication skills. For most of us, the sweetest sound on
earth is that of someone using our name correctly and positively. This skill alone gives
you an edge when it comes to interpersonal communications, and gives you an edge in
career development.
Discuss guidelines for remembering names. Here are the standard tips:
 Concentrate.
 Repeat the name out loud right after you hear it. Try to find other opportunities to
use it.
 Get some kind of visual fix. (Matt has thick hair like a mat.) These are not things
you are ever expected to share with the person, so be as creative as you must be to
remember visually.
 Group associate. Know where you met the person. Perhaps write it on their
business card if you get one.
 Write the name down as soon as you can.
 Pay attention. That’s most important.
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Session Nine: Body Language
(8:45-9:45)
What Do Our Bodies Say?
(15 minutes)
Remember that when we are delivering any message, only 7% of that message is our
words. The rest is our tone of voice and our non-verbal body language.
(Source: “Silent Messages” by Albert Mehrabian)
Our bodies speak volumes. We are always sending signals to others, whether we like it or
not. Body language combined with vocal tone can override or even cancel the meaning of
the words we say. Make sure your mouth and your body are sending the same signal.
Here are some things to keep in mind about body language:
 Eyes, eyebrows, and mouth send out the signals that can make a world of
difference.
 People who smile are happier than those who don't. Smiling releases a chemical
in your brain that makes you feel good. It's a great way to establish a rapport with
listeners.
 Eye contact helps you carry your message to each person in the audience. It builds
trust.
 Learn to speak with your hands. Draw lines in the air, make a point, count on
your fingers, and emphasize length and width.
 Work on appearing sincere and comfortable.
 Let your hands do what they want to do, as long as they don't get in your pockets,
fiddle with an object, or make obscene gestures to your audience.
 Your body posture affects your emotions and how you feel determines your
posture. If you are confident, happy and ready, your body will show it.
One of the most important things you can do with body language is learn to pick up cues
from people that you are making them uncomfortable.
 Rocking
 Leg swinging
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
Tapping
If you sensitize yourself to these simple cues, over time, people will have the experience
of feeling more relaxed, at ease, and open with you (and to you).
These are the first signals of tension and indicate that the person feels intruded upon or
nervous. If it escalates, these signals are often followed by:
 Intermittent closing of the eyes
 Slight tucking of the chin into the chest
 Shoulder hunching
Basically, learn to watch for these, and then adjust your approach. Sometimes just
taking one step back, or ceasing talking and getting the other person to talk to you
instead, will be all it takes to ease the tension.
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Non-Verbal Communication
Facial Expressions
Frown
Smile
Raised eyebrows
Narrowed eyes
Blushing
Interpretation
Displeasure, unhappiness
Friendliness, happiness
Disbelief, amazement
Anger
Embarrassment
Eye Contact
Glancing
Steady
Lack of interest
Active listening, interest, seduction
Hand/Arm Gestures
Pointing finger
Folded arms
Arms at side
Hands uplifted outward
Authority, displeasure, lecturing
Not open to change, preparing to speak
Open to suggestions, relaxed
Disbelief, puzzlement, uncertainty
Body Postures
Fidgeting, doodling
Hands on hips
Shrugging shoulders
Squared stance or shoulders
Biting lip, shifting, jingling money
Sitting on edge of chair
Slouching in chair
Boredom
Anger, defensiveness
Indifference
Problem-solving, concern, listening
Nervousness
Listening, great concern
Boredom, lack of interest
Clothing
Business dress
Sloppy attire
Casual clothes
Authoritative, conservative
Disrespect, lack of responsibility
Relaxation
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Proxemics (Physical Space)
From physical contact to 18 inches
From 18 inches to 4 feet
From 4 feet to 8 feet
From 8 feet outward
Intimate space
Personal space
Social space
Public space
Voice Characteristics
Speaking loudly, quickly, and with clipped
Anger
enunciation
Monotone and downward inflection
Boredom
High pitch, fast rate, loud volume, and
Joy
upward Inflection
Status Symbols
Rare or expensive possessions
Prestigious titles
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High status
High status
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Gestures
(15 minutes)
We all interpret images differently and feel differently about images, depending on our
past experience, background, culture, etc. Our feelings may be colored by our mood, or
by memories associated with these images. We cannot assume that others will interpret
our body language correctly.
Divide people into small teams and ask them to look at the gestures in the workbook.
Each team is to determine what they think is happening in each of the illustrations and
how they feel about what they think is happening.
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Gestures
Illustration
What is happening?
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How do you feel
about it?
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Debrief
(15 minutes)
Bring the group back together and see how everyone interpreted the images. We have not
provided answers as there is no correct interpretation.
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Emotions
(15 minutes)
Prior to the session, cut up the emotions from the Handouts folder. Ask for volunteers to
play a quick game of charades. Allow each volunteer to choose a slip of paper and then
ask all volunteers to leave the room to prepare for their role. They only have two to three
minutes, but they may wish to confer with other volunteers or to practice.
For those who are still in the room, tell them that they are not to shout out their response
to the charade, but number each charade and to write down their interpretation. (They can
use the chart in the workbook.) This will give you the opportunity to see if everyone
interprets body language in the same way.
Call volunteers in all together or one at a time, and in turn have them act out their
emotions. Then check to see if the respondents gave the correct interpretation.
1)
Anger
4)
Surprise
2)
Shock
5)
Curiosity
3)
Sadness
6)
Acceptance
4)
Disbelief
7)
Understanding
5)
Confusion
8)
Love
6)
Rage
9)
Hate
7)
Happiness
10)
Fear
8)
Excitement
11)
Shame
9)
Joy
12)
Desire
10)
Resentment
13)
Courage
11)
Jealousy
14)
Amusement
12)
Disgust
15)
Patience
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Session Ten: Johari Windows
(9:45-11:00)
What is the Johari Window?
(15 minutes)
Yesterday we talked a bit about becoming more self-aware. There are two major ways of
becoming more self-aware. The first involves listening to yourself in order to understand
how you are reacting or feeling, and what is causing your reactions or feelings.
Yesterday, when we discussed our fears, or when you completed your questionnaire on
competence, you were really being asked to be more aware of your own self-talk or selfesteem. We have a tendency to ignore our reactions to the world around us, but we can
make our feelings and reactions more conscious if we work on this.
The second way of becoming more aware is to request feedback from other people as to
how they see you and how they are reacting to your behavior.
Joe Luft and Harry Ingraham developed the Johari windows concept. This concept is a
way of looking at our self-awareness and our ability to ask feedback of others.
Known to Others
Not Known to Others
Known to Oneself
Open
1
Partially Open
2
Not Known to
Oneself
Partially Open
3
Hidden
4
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The window illustrates their point that there are certain things you know about yourself
and certain things that you don’t know. Similarly, there are certain things others know
about you (that you may or may not know) and there are certain things they don’t know.
They make the assumption that it takes energy to hide information from yourself and
others, and that the more information is known, the better and clearer communication will
be.
Building a relationship often involves working to expand your open/free or “known to
self and others” window, while decreasing your blind and hidden areas.
As you become more self-disclosing, you reduce your hidden area, and give other people
more information to react to, thus reducing your blind area.
As you encourage others to be more self-disclosing with you, your blind area is further
reduced. As you reduce your blind area you increase self-awareness and this helps you to
be even more self-disclosing with others.
The Johari Windows concept has been taken further in its application. The degree of trust
and respect a person shows results in a style of human relations that has been
characterized by a turtle, an owl, a bull in the china shop, and a picture window.
Defining the Styles
(15 minutes)
The names of these styles of relationships are quite indicative of how they operate. Ask
people to work in small groups to develop their own description of these styles and
perhaps a recipe for improvement.
Break
(15 minutes)
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The Johari Styles
(15 minutes)
Bring the group back together to see what everyone had to say, and how it compares with
what Ingraham and Luft had to say about their four styles.
A Turtle: Low Trust and Low Respect
This type of person is reluctant to express ideas or feelings to others, and equally
reluctant to listen to others. Whether meaning to or not, the turtle communicates low trust
in the motives of others and low respect for their opinions. The result is a large region of
the unknown. Misunderstandings, frustration, untapped creativity, and unsolved problems
lie in this region.
People who have turtle relationships find them cold, impersonal, and unsatisfying. Just as
partners may experience turtle relationships, so may whole groups. Turtle relationships
may exist between work groups, between management and employees, or between an
organization and its public. Such communities are characterized by low morale and poor
performance.
Turtle relationships can be improved if people are willing to listen to the ideas and
feelings of others and are willing to openly express their own ideas and feelings. One can
start this process, but it takes two to improve a turtle relationship. Someone must initiate
and the other must respond.
An Owl: High Respect and Low Trust
The owl style of human relations is better than the turtle because respect is shown toward
the opinions of others. The owl gives time and attention, thus showing concern for ideas
and feelings. However, when someone listens but does not share ideas and feelings in
return, a façade develops with two corresponding drawbacks: an impression of role
playing and insincerity and the suppression of conflict, with a resulting decrease in
creativity and problem-solving potential.
The owl avoids self-expression and relies too much on listening. Ultimately this is not
satisfying for either partner because the relationship is one-sided. The solution is to
demonstrate trust in others by becoming more self-expressive.
It takes two to improve an owl relationship. The owl gradually must become more open.
This takes time, because change can be difficult to accept and dealing in honest self-
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expression and confrontation can be threatening. As well, the owl’s partner must show
respect by listening as ideas, hopes, goals, and feelings are shared.
A Bull in the China Shop: High Trust and Low Respect
The bull in the china shop is, like the owl, one-dimensional. The good part is the bull is
open and honest with feelings and ideas. Whether they are right or wrong, popular or not,
you always know where bulls stand. By open self-expression the bull says, “I trust you
and believe you will not use what I say to hurt me.” This is the good part. The bad part is
the enormous blind spot the bull creates by not listening to others. Perhaps
unintentionally, the bull is demonstrating that other people’s feelings and ideas are
unimportant.
Whether the bull in the china shop style develops as a result of ego striving, natural
aggressiveness, or actual superiority, it is often destructive in human relationships. The
blind spot typically contains negative data—the frustration, anger, and resentment of
others—that may one day erupt. Negative feelings could also be turned inward and result
in low self-esteem for the bull’s partner and friends.
The solution is for the bull in a china shop to become a better listener. The bull must
come to realize that others want to express themselves too. People who rarely ask for
others’ opinions or listen to their problems have a bull in the china shop style of human
relations and they have a large blind spot. By listening, they can reduce this blind spot
and improve the quality of their relationships at work and at home.
A Picture Window: High Trust and High Respect
The most effective style of human relations is characterized by dialogue and it is
symbolized by the picture window. With this style, people show mutual respect as each
listens to the ideas and feelings of others, and they demonstrate interpersonal trust as
ideas are shared openly and honestly.
The region of the known is the dominant feature of picture window relationships. What
goes on in this area is candid discussion and free-flowing ideas about issues, events, and
experiences. By no means is dialogue tame. Indeed, diverse points of view and values
sometimes clash. Conflict is viewed positively, however, as all parties recognize they are
not identical twins, that disagreement is natural, and that out of diversity can come
increased creativity and satisfaction.
Picture window relations are characteristic of true feelings of community and develop
common ground between you and other members of the group.
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Trust
(15 minutes)
A large part of the Johari Windows concept is trust. Ask students to fill out the questions
in their workbook. This is a method of self-evaluation only and will not be shared with
the group.
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Session Eleven: Self-Image
(11:00 -11:45)
Seven Things People Determine from Your
Appearance
(5 minutes)
Another element of our communication with others is our image of ourselves and our
awareness of how others see us. This too is very much part of our ability to give and take
feedback with others.
People determine seven things from your appearance:
 Income
 Educational Level
 Social Position
 Sophistication
 Success
 Moral Character
 Trustworthiness
Pre-Assignment
(15 minutes)
Ask everyone to bring out the photos that they were asked to bring in for their preassignment. Then, ask them to pass the photos around. Ask participants to rate the
individuals on a scale of 1-10, with 1 being a poor supervisor/employee/customer and 10
being an excellent supervisor/employee/customer.
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Debrief
(10 minutes)
Discuss how participants rated the various pictures and how they felt doing so. The
paragraphs participants prepared for their pre-assignment should also add to the
discussion.
Notice that people don’t always agree in their ratings. This is one lesson we must all keep
in mind when we are making assumptions about other people based only on how we
perceive them. This isn’t much information to go on, and we could be wrong. Others may
not perceive you as you think they will.
And while we will make some judgments about the people who work for us, they are also
making judgments about us. Since we can’t control their perception, we must be careful
about how we present ourselves. Can you think of examples?
 Arms crossed: Someone is perceived as negative even though they may have just
spilled soup on their shirt.
 Looking at your watch: People may think you are in a hurry and don’t want to
listen to what they have to say.
 Frowning: People think you disapprove of what they are saying, but this is just the
face you make when you are concentrating.
Self-Evaluation
(15 minutes)
Ask participants to complete the self-evaluation exercise in the workbook.
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Morning Wrap-Up
(11:45-12:00)
Use the last fifteen minutes to answer any remaining questions and to get feedback about
the morning.
Lunch
(12:00-1:00)
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Energizer: Observation Skills
(1:00-1:15)
Prepare two trays with fifteen to twenty small items on it. List all items on the flip chart
but make sure the page is covered. Now each team has about one minute to look at the
items before going away to see if they can individually list them all. Compare their
individual lists with the complete list on the flip chart. Ask them to rate their observation
skills based on that little exercise.
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Session Twelve: Frame of Reference
(1:15-2:00)
Frame of Reference
(15 minutes)
The skill of temporarily suspending frame of reference, or judgment of other people, is
perhaps the most critical and important of all skills in that our credibility and
effectiveness can rest solely on our performance of this skill.
Your frame of reference is made up of your beliefs, assumptions, values, feeling,
judgments, emotions, advice, moods, thoughts, and stress levels at any given moment.
Because our frame of reference is so personal and so deeply imbedded in us, it is very
difficult to practice suspending it on a regular basis. We all seem to want to interpret
reality from our own vantage point, and react in a self-orienting manner. We have to
learn to take into consideration others’ points of view and feelings, as well as our own.
This skill is our inner strength for controlling our emotions, our judgments, and our
premature advice. Try putting others before yourself; checking things out before jumping
to conclusions, making assumptions, or reacting emotionally; and give others the benefit
of the doubt.
Suspension is especially appropriate when others need to be understood in order for their
tension or stress to be defused.
Ask participants: What is the Golden Rule? (Do unto others as you would have them do
unto you.) Then ask them if they know the platinum rule? (Do unto others as they would
have done unto them.) In this rule we have moved beyond looking at the situation from
our perspective and started looking at things from their perspective. What is the first
thing you must do if you want to walk a mile in someone else’s moccasins? Take off your
own shoes.
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When you are dealing with others, stop every once in a while and look at things from
their perspective. Suspend judgment until you have taken off your own shoes and walked
a mile in their moccasins.
The Coat
(15 minutes)
This activity has two purposes:
 To demonstrate the danger of assumptions about a trainee's background
knowledge and common vocabulary.
 To illustrate the advantage of modeling, demonstration, and interaction vs. oneway communication.
Procedure:
Lay a jacket on the table. Select a volunteer and inform them that you don't know what
the jacket is or what to do with it. The volunteer's task is to train you in the jacket's use as
soon as possible. The trainer will often engage in telling behaviors whose effectiveness
can be distorted by slow learner behaviors by the trainee (e.g., grabbing the pocket when
told to grab the collar, or inserting the arm up the sleeve in a reverse direction). The
difficulty of completing the assignment can be further exaggerated by depriving the
trainer of feedback by having them turn their back to the trainee. After a brief time period
of minimal progress, the class can be asked for its assistance. A fruitful alternative, of
course, is to show the trainee how to do it.
This can effectively illustrate the merits of the classic Job Instruction Training (J.1.T.)
approach, which is to:
 Explain how to do it
 Demonstrate how to do it
 Request an explanation of how to do it
 Invite the trainee to do it
Alternatives:
The same process can be used with other articles of clothing (e.g., shoes) or even with a
box of wooden matches (with the goal of lighting one).
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Debrief
(15 minutes)
Have a group discussion around these questions:
Why did the trainer initially have a difficult time with the task of training?
Because of assumptions about prior knowledge and common vocabulary, because of
limited patience for slow learners on a simple task, or because of one-way
communication.
What are the benefits of demonstration?
Add the sense of sight and the words take on additional meaning.
What are the benefits of feedback?
Can gauge progress and understanding and satisfaction of trainees.
Break
(2:00-2:15)
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Session Thirteen: Five Approaches to
Relationships
(2:15-3:00)
The Five Approaches
(15 minutes)
We can take five different approaches to our relationships with others.
Mystery-Mastery
This is the most basic level of human relations. The underlying assumption is that
information and knowledge are sources of power, and controlling them will allow you to
control the situation.
“You don’t need to know why. Just do it because I say so.”
Structural
In this approach, information may be shared, but the person related to others on the basis
of position and differential status. This creates one-upmanship and we/they situations.
“As your supervisor, I expect you to always…..”
Sympathy-Supportive
This is an improvement but it is a top-down and unilateral approach. The underlying
message is, “I’m OK. You’re not OK.” We don’t feel good about being patronized by
others, and sympathy does nothing to strengthen our ability to cope.
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Empathy-Collaborative
With this approach we have the ability to put ourselves in someone else’s position. We
can emphasize equality, mutuality, and sharing. However, it isn’t always easy to be
empathetic, and we must be willing to share some of ourselves to use this approach
effectively. The collaboration itself can be challenging, as we try to develop a united,
integrated solution to a situation.
Mutual-Confrontive
This approach assures empathy, support, and collaboration, but the emphasis is on
confronting the system, the rules, the climate, the task, the situation, ourselves. The
emphasis is on change and growth.
The natural tendency is for relationships to disintegrate to Mastery-Mystery, unless both
parties work at raising the relationship to the highest level.
Group Definitions
(15 minutes)
Prior to the afternoon session, have the five approaches posted around the room on flip
chart paper. At each station leave markers. Tell the group they are free to explore
whichever of the five they wish. However, no more than four people can be in any one
group. (This number can change depending on the number of people in the room.)
Each group is to accomplish these tasks:
 Describe their understanding of the approach they have selected
 Draw a picture that represents that relationship
 Give an example of such a relationship.
They are also to choose a reporter who will report back to the general group on their
findings.
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Presentations
(15 minutes)
Each group’s reporter will provide a brief summary of the group’s findings.
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Session Fourteen: Assertiveness
(3:00-4:15)
Self-Attitude
(15 minutes)
Self-concept, self-image, and self-esteem have another dimension: the OK-ness of self
and others. Dr. Eric Berne first explored our attitude about ourselves and others in the
late 70’s. Through his research and observations, Dr. Berne identified four life positions:
 I’m OK-You’re OK
 I’m OK-You’re not OK
 I’m not OK-You’re OK
 I’m not OK-You’re not OK
Each of these attitudes or life positions has an influence on one’s behavior. Thus
supervisors with low self-esteem and a negative self-image (I’m not OK-You’re O.K)
operate in the passive style, while “I’m OK-You’re not OK” thinking results in an
aggressive style.
An “I’m not OK-You’re not OK” style usually results in a tendency to swing back and
forth between passive and aggressive, while an assertive style tends to come from an
“I’m OK-You’re OK” point of view.
Words
 Watch out for red flag words like “ought to,” “should have,” “must,” “always”
“never.”
 Check to see if you are overly apologetic, using too many “I’ll try,” “I can’t,” “I
wish,” phrases.
Be aware of your mental processes, the internal messages you give yourself. If they start
from a negative self-concept and negative expectations, your external behavior will likely
be non-assertive behavior (either aggressive or passive) and you end up feeling frustrated
or angry.
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On the other hand, if you start from a positive self-concept, and have positive
expectations, your behavior is more apt to be assertive and you are more likely to feel
confident.
Expectancy theory
This theory says that which we expect to happen is most likely to happen.
Interpersonal relationships have a reciprocal quality about them. In a relationship with
another person our expectations are likely to be a self-fulfilling prophecy.
For example, if Manager A believes that Employee B is dishonest and trustworthy, the
manager is apt to communicate these suspicions to the employee through verbal and nonverbal behavior such as unwarranted questioning, staring and unfriendly facial
expressions.
The more the employee detects these untrusting behaviors the more he or she will feel
uncomfortable with the manager, and as a result he or she may not fully disclose
information to the manager, who then has his/her expectations about the employee
fulfilled.
The power of reciprocal expectations or self-fulfilling prophecies is frightening. For
example, a professor experimented with three of her college classes to see if she could
cause a self-fulfilling prophecy.
When she graded the first exam, the average grade was the same for three of her business
and professional communication courses. When she returned the papers to the first class,
she praised them for their high grades and intelligent thoughtful answers. While returning
papers to the second class, the professor neither praised nor criticized the class. However,
while returning papers to the third class, she severely reprimanded the students for having
the lowest grades she had ever seen and for giving thoughtless, undeveloped answers. No
further mention of the exam grades was mentioned and the classes continued as usual.
The results of the second exam were surprising. The grades from the class that had been
praised were much better than on the first exam; the class that was neither praised nor
criticized was about the same; and the grades of the class that had been severely criticized
were much worse than on the first exam.
Feeling bad about what had happened, the professor told the class what she had done.
Nobody believed her. The improved class said they made better grades because they were
better students. The class with the poor grades said she was just trying to make them feel
better—they knew they were truly poor students.
Remember, the power of self-fulfilling prophecies is powerful, but we can turn it to our
advantage if we expect the best from ourselves and others.
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Persuasion
Expecting the best and knowing when to stop talking are probably two of the most
important elements of persuading others. If we can’t convince ourselves of something, it
will be very difficult for us to persuade others. What the mind can believe it can
conceive.
Have you ever known another person who talked so much that other people stopped
listening? These individuals overwhelm their listeners with conversation, until the
listener becomes confused, bored or both. Mark Twain used to tell the following story
that bears out that point.
“I was attending a meeting where a missionary had been invited to speak. I was deeply
impressed. The preacher’s voice was beautiful. He told us about the sufferings of the
natives and he pleaded for help with such moving simplicity that I mentally doubled the
50 cents I was about to put in the plate.
“He described the pitiful misery of these poor people and I raised the amount again. Then
as he continued I felt that all the cash I carried on me would be insufficient, so I decided
to write a large check.
“Then he went on. That preacher went on and on about the dreadful state of these poor
natives and I abandoned the idea of a check. And still he went on. And I got back to a
dollar, and then 50 cents. And still he went on. And when the plate finally came round…I
took 10 cents out of it!”
The lesson: balance enthusiasm with control.
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Thirty Ways to Persuade
1) Learn to link/connect with individual clients.
2) Demonstrate your expertise and knowledge.
3) Fair/Fair not Win/Lose.
4) Be consistent (predictable).
5) Make sure integrity is reflected in your standards/values/behavior.
6) Never assume they understand you.
7) Never assume they believe you.
8) Know when to be silent.
9) Tell the truth.
10) People believe exact numbers.
11) Show you have nothing to gain.
12) Flush out problems assertively.
13) Clients believe written words over verbal words. This finding reveals why telephone
explanations can be challenging to present.
14) Create an obligation for one or both parties.
15) Proceed a bit at a time, inconsequential into major areas.
16) Practice diffusion (“out for the same things”).
17) Never corner clients. Leave them a way out.
18) Give two options when both are acceptable to you, so that you win regardless of the
choice. (Old sales trick!)
19) Play with innocent questions such as, “Why would you want to do that?”
20) Never accept an invitation to attack (trust issue).
21) Exude charisma, read the auras of individuals.
22) Everyone is important and unique. Some literature says that you should treat all
clients like they were an interesting guest on a TV talk show.
23) Don’t patronize.
24) Give sincere compliments.
25) Smile before you dial (or in person).
26) Be childlike (open and transparent). Expand your centre of interests to include others
and explore the talents of others.
27) Use humor if appropriate.
28) Remember names.
29) Remember difficult people don’t play by the same rules.
30) Practice strategic apologizing.
(Adapted from the Secrets of Power Persuasion by Roger Dawson)
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Case Study: A Negative Image
(15 minutes)
Divide group into teams of three to four. Have them discuss the case study below and
develop at least 4 steps for change. They have 10 minutes to come up with the steps.
Make sure they appoint one person as spokesperson for the group.
Marlene’s Promotion
Marlene, a supervisor in a government department, managed a staff of twelve people.
Over and over as a child she had heard her parents say, “Don’t ask such dumb questions,”
and “What makes you think you know anything about that?” She was made supervisor
because for years she was a first class worker who never raised her voice and got along
well with everybody in the department. She didn’t feel she had supervisory ability but
didn’t know how to turn down the promotion.
After being promoted, Marlene found her world falling apart. She disliked giving orders
and couldn’t face on-the-job conflicts. She couldn’t bring herself to tell her employees
what she thought when they voiced an opinion different from hers, even though she felt
she was right. She also found it impossible to criticize their below-standard work, even
though it was getting worse under her supervision.
Her self-talk included, “I’m stupid,” and “I can’t make decisions.” Thus she did stupid
things that resulted in her staff thinking less of her and took a long time to make
decisions, so she was seen as wishy-washy.
Marlene decided to do something about her perception of herself, and to gain control over
her internal and external image.
What steps would you suggest she take?
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Debrief
(15 minutes)
Answers might include:
 Change the negative messages she told herself to positive messages, such as “It’s
OK for me to ask questions to help me understand things.”
 Develop an assertive response to those that criticized or gave her put-downs, such
as, “You may consider that a dumb question, but I want to understand better what
you want. I don’t like making errors, and my question was to help me decrease
errors.”
 She could look at where the criticisms were coming from and when she realized
most of them were coming from her immediate supervisor, she could develop a
script for his responses that would help her stick to her modified behavior.
 Marlene could repeatedly visualize a positive interaction between herself and her
supervisor. She began to gradually see herself as a person who could ask
questions and respond assertively if she got a negative response. She was
pleasantly surprised to see herself becoming better at responding to negative
comments her supervisor would make. She continued the process by changing the
way she responded to other people’s negative messages. She couldn’t change her
employees and colleagues but she could change the way she responded to their
comments.
Marlene is now working on how she handles conflict situations.
Ask the group these questions:
Do you think she will face obstacles in her quest for a more assertive style?
 Sometimes she will forget and revert back to old habits.
 Self-doubts will likely cloud her visualization at times.
 She may not be rewarded; in fact, she may be punished for assertive behavior, at
times. That’s when she has to remind herself of how much better she feels about
herself and what her goals are.
Why might she succeed?
 She has a plan she is working on systematically, a little bit at a time.
 She now has a past pattern of successful change so she can remind herself, when
she fails, that she has changed some of her passive behaviors.
 She can change more of her passive behaviors as time goes on.
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The Assertive Formula
(15 minutes)
We are most likely to retain the goodwill of the person we're standing up to if we stick
with our own thoughts, feelings and beliefs, and avoid direct or implied criticism of the
other person. One way to do that is to stick with I messages, expressed in a matter-offact, non-judgmental tone of voice.
You Message
I Message
You talk too loudly.
I have sensitive hearing
You should send out an agenda.
I'd like to know what we're going to
discuss in the meeting tomorrow so I can
bring the necessary information with me.
You can use this same type of message when you are giving feedback about someone
else's behavior. Again, the feedback should be non-judgmental, but it should be specific.
There is also a formula for assertiveness:
Step
Goal
Step 1
Non-judgmentally describe a specific behavior of the
other person.
When you…
Step 2
Describe as specifically as possible the effect or
practical problems this behavior is causing in your
life.
The effects are…
Step 3
Describe how you feel as a result, without using the
expression “you make me...”
I feel…
Step 4
You describe what you want, preferable after you
give the other person a chance to state what he or she
thinks might be done.
I prefer/would like…
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Example: “When you leave your papers all over my office, it causes it to be cluttered and
I feel disorganized and upset. I would like it if you could pick your papers up when you
are done.”
When you are stating feelings, remember these tips:
 State feelings, not evaluations
 State feelings, not solutions
 State feelings directly
Expressing Your No
(15 minutes)
Once you understand the request and decide you want to say no, choose the kind of no
that best suits the person and situation. Here are some general rules to follow.
Say no, firmly and calmly, without saying, “I’m sorry,” which weakens your stand.
Say no, followed by a straightforward explanation of what you are feeling or what you
are willing to do.
 “I’m uncomfortable doing that.”
 “I’m not willing to do that.”
 “I don’t want to do that.”
 “I don’t like to do that.”
Say no, and then give a choice or alternative.
 “Not now; however, I will when I get this done, which could be in an hour.”
 “I don’t have time today, but I could help out the first thing tomorrow morning.”
Say no and then clarify your reasons. This does not include long-winded statements filled
with excuses, justifications, and rationalizations. It’s enough that you do not want to say
yes. Your clarification is given to provide the receiver more information so that he or she
can better understand your position.
Use your natural no. You may have developed your own style of saying no based on your
past experience and personality. If so, use it.
Make an empathetic listening statement, than say no. You may paraphrase the content
and feeling of the request, and then state your no.
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Example: “I can see that it is important to you that one of my secretaries gets your report
done. I’d like to have someone do it, but my staff is already overburdened with high
priority tasks to be completed by the end of the day.”
Say yes, and then give your reasons for not doing it or your alternative solution. This
approach is very interesting. You may want to use it in situations when you are willing to
meet the request, but not at the time or in the way the other person wants it.
 “Yes, I would be willing to help you out, but I won’t have time until tomorrow
afternoon.”
 “Yes, I could have part of your report typed, but not all forty pages.”
 “Yes, I’d be willing to go along with your second alternative, but not the third one
you suggested.”
The Persistent Response
You can also use the persistent response. This method of saying no entails using a onesentence refusal statement and persistently repeating it as often as necessary, no matter
what the person says. This technique is useful when dealing with very aggressive or
manipulative people who won’t take no for an answer. It is especially useful to assist you
in moving from the passive mode to the assertive mode, as it gives you a specific format
to follow. This is also useful for moving yourself away from the extreme aggressive end
of the continuum, if you are apt to lose control and become verbally abusive. The
persistent response can be effective in maintaining your refusal while continuing to be in
charge of your emotions.
Because this way of saying no is unusual and a bit complex, we will provide some
detailed guidelines for applying it.
First, select a concise, one-sentence statement and repeat it no matter what the other
person says or does. Examples:
 “I understand how you feel, but I’m not willing…”
 “I’m not interested…”
 “I don’t want to…”’
 “I’m uncomfortable doing that, so I don’t want to…”
 “You might be right, but I’m not interested.”
After each statement by the other person, say your persistent response sentence. It’s
important that you don’t get sidetracked by responding to any issue the other person
brings up.
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Guidelines for Saying No
Say your statement firmly, calmly, and as unemotionally as possible.
Be aware of your nonverbal behavior, making sure you don’t come across passively or
aggressively. Use plenty of silence to your advantage. Your silence will project the
message that the other’s statements and manipulation are futile.
Be persistent. Simply state your response one more time than the other person makes his
or her request, question, or statement. If the other person makes six statements, you make
seven. If the other person makes three statements, you make four. Most often, the other
person will feel ill at ease and stop after three or four statements. Other times, your
response will move the other person to offer options you are willing to go along with.
Workshop Wrap-Up
(4:15-4:30)
Use the last fifteen minutes of the day to hand out certificates and answer any last minute
questions.
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