How to Discipline a Child in the 21 st Century
I.
Where did the term “spare the rod and spoil the child come from?” Is it in the bible?
A. Surprisingly the term “spare the rod and spoil the child” is nowhere in the bible. It was actually from a 17 th
century poem by Samuel Butler called
Hudibras. In the poem, Hudibras is in jail and a woman (a widow) says that she will get him out of jail if he proves his love for her. She suggested several ways to prove his love, but one of the ways was for him to subject himself to whipping
– to whip himself or let her whip him. She goes on to talk about the virtues of the “school of lashing”.
Near the end of the poem is where the “spoil the child” quote came about:
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II. Render unto Caesar what’s Caesar’s and render unto God what’s Gods
A. A. There is a separation of church and state, but the lines have become blurred.
1. More and more of the world is infiltrating and affecting the church.
2. One particular area of blur is the issue of child abuse in the House of God, and among its parishioners
B. This highly litigious society.
1. We know we are living in the last days, and we will see more and more lawsuits coming against the House of
God. Thus we must make sure that our good is not evil spoken of.
2. An example: In Wisconsin in 2012, a Dane County jury took less than two hours to find Pastor Philip B.
Caminiti guilty of eight counts of conspiracy to commit child abuse for advocating the use of wooden rods as disciplinary punishment for children as young as two months. Caminiti strongly encouraged the use of a wooden rod or dowel to discipline children.
Caminiti is of the belief that the Bible dictates the use of a rod over a hand to punish children, arguing that children as young as a few months are “worthy” of the rod and that by “one and a half months” a child is old enough to be spanked.
Caminiti stated, “I don’t think bruises are telltale signs of something bad” and “[t]he pain is used to tell them
(children) this is serious and I need you to obey.”
When Detective Mary Butler advised him of the legal definitions of child abuse and reasonable discipline in
Wisconsin during the investigation, Caminiti
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expressed that while he wanted to comply with the laws of the State, he was concerned the members of his church could not cause their children physical pain. He added that causing pain “was the point of spanking with the rod” and that if need be “some of
[them] would seek residence in a state that has laws more in keeping with [their] religious beliefs.
B. The issue of Safety
1. The sexual abuse issues of the Catholic Church brought worldwide attention to the issue of safety in the church.
2. There was a time when children would be dropped off for Sunday School by the droves by parents who did not attend themselves, but trusted that their children are in good hands in the church house.
3. While the house of God is still God’s house and his alone, Satan does come into play. The bible says that the wheat and the tares grow together. Also, judgment must begin at the house of God, so the house of God is accountable to represent integrity in every aspect, and to be aware of Satan’s devices.
C. In All Thy Getting…
1. The church and some pastors have lived in the dark for too long (in ignorance), not wanting to address certain issues in the church, because they feel the issues are too carnal or not pertaining to spirituality. But the people are destroyed for the lack of knowledge, and God’s work has been destroyed in many churches due to one incident that Satan used to try to shut down a church. This is a litigious society
(people are suing constantly), and although we do not walk in fear as Christians about Satan’s devices, we need to be aware of them.
2. In order to be aware, you must recognize first that child abuse does sometimes happen within the walls of the church. Similar to domestic violence, child abuse does not have a special look to it… it can happen within any culture or race, any socioeconomic status, it can happen in the city or in the country, it can
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occur in a small church or a large one. It can occur within homes that you would least likely expect. It can occur in the homes of ministers, deacons, choir members, ushers, evangelists, and bishops.
D. Render unto Caesar what’s Caesar’s…
1. Luke 20:20-26
20: And they watched him, and sent forth spies, which should feign themselves just men, that they might take hold of his words, that so they might deliver him unto the power and authority of the governor.
21: And they asked him, saying, Master, we know that thou sayest and teachest rightly, neither acceptest thou the person of any, but teachest the way of God truly:
22: Is it lawful for us to give tribute unto Caesar, or no?
23: But he perceived their craftiness, and said unto them, Why tempt ye me?
24: Shew me a penny. Whose image and superscription hath it? They answered and said,
Caesar's.
25: And he said unto them, Render therefore unto
Caesar the things which be Caesar's, and unto God the things which be God's.
26: And they could not take hold of his words before the people: and they marveled at his answer, and held their peace.
2. In the house of God, or outside of it, the devil is watching us, plotting against us. He has come to kill, steal, and destroy. Thus, even though we are not a part of this world in the spirit, we have to abide by the laws and the authorities of this world, so that we don’t allow our good to be evil spoken of.
. What Is Child Abuse (Definitions)
1. Let me discuss the agencies involved in child abuse first, because the bible says in all thy getting, get an understanding.
2. Reporting Agencies a) In Los Angeles County, California (my home), the reporting agency is the Department of
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Children and Family Services, which is the agency in Los Angeles County that responds to all incidents of child abuse.
2. Agencies throughout the nation are called by various titles… Child Protective Services, Children and Family
Services, Deaprtment of Children’s Services, etc.
b) Each children’s service agency was set up by a mandate of the Federal government in order to protect children from suspected abuse and neglect.
B. II. Now…What is child abuse as defined by law?
These laws are codified based upon your own state’s laws. In California,
C. The laws about child abuse in California are located in the California Welfare and Institutions
Code, Section 300.
Although specific statutes may vary slightly by state, there are nationwide expectations
[look at the book I sent for the national mandates].
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1. A. Physical abuse a) A child who suffered, or is at risk of suffering serious injury. Quote – “serious physical harm" does not include reasonable and age-appropriate spanking to the buttocks where there is no evidence of serious physical injury”.
However, if there is evidence of injury, like a bruise, welt, etc, then that is a problem.
2. B. Neglect a) A child who suffers physical harm or illness as a result of the failure of his parent or guardian to adequately supervise or protect the child. Also, neglect includes failing to provide the child with adequate food, clothing, shelter, or medical treatment. Neglect also can occur if the parent has a mental illness, a developmental disability, or substance abuse problems that affect the child to the point that he or she is neglected. b) Child abuse is not poverty, and it is not necessarily just because someone is temporarily homeless, and it is not just because a child might not have nice clothes, etc.
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3. C. Emotional abuse a) The child is suffering serious emotional damage, or is at substantial risk of suffering serious emotional damage, evidenced by severe anxiety, depression, withdrawal, or untoward aggressive behavior toward self or others, as a result of the conduct of the parent or guardian.
4. D. Sexual abuse a) The child has been sexually abused, or there is a substantial risk that the child will be sexually abused, as defined in Section 11165.1 of the Penal Code, by his or her parent or guardian or a member of his or her household, or the parent or guardian has failed to adequately protect the child from sexual abuse when the parent or guardian knew or reasonably should have known that the child was in danger of sexual abuse. b)
“It is the intent of the Legislature that nothing in this section disrupt the family unnecessarily or intrude inappropriately into family life, prohibit the use of reasonable methods of parental discipline, or prescribe a particular method of parenting.”
D. II. How does this information apply to the
House of God?
A. The discussion of Biblical Discipline vs. Physical Abuse
1 - Article “Church Members Convicted of Child Abuse”
What’s the difference between biblical discipline and physical abuse?
Biblical Discipline:
Proverbs 13:24(KJV): "He that spareth his rod hateth his son: but he that loveth him chasteneth him betimes."
Proverbs 13:24(AMP): "He who spares his rod (of discipline) hates his son, but he who loves him diligently disciplines and punishes him early."
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Proverbs 22:15: "Foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline will drive it far from him."
Proverbs 23:13-14: "Withhold not discipline from the child, for if you strike and punish him with the rod, he will not die. Thou shalt beat him with the rod, and shalt deliver his soul from hell."
Discussion
 Do you agree that discipline for children is important?
(It is vital to properly discipline your children. No boundaries = they feel lost.
Lack of consistency = behavior problems later. Will lose respect for authority. )
 What is the difference between biblical discipline and child abuse?
(There has been much debate on the subject of corporal punishment (the spanking of a child). Corporal punishment simply means bodily punishment while the definition of spank in Webster's Dictionary is: 1.) To strike with something flat, as the open hand, especially on the buttocks, as in punishment. 2.) To move along swiftly or smartly, a smack given in spanking. )
( Note – corporal punishment is definitely not the only type of discipline; there are many more, as will be discussed later.)
 How many of you experienced “the rod of correction” in your lifetime? (Share stories if you are comfortable)
 Did you feel that the type of punishment you received made you a better person?
1. Discipline for children is good, and corporal punishment is ok.
2. Disciplining a child in anger is not of God anger rests in the bosom of fools.
3. Look at instruction in the bible (David and Solomon) and the teaching aspect of it.
4.
Obey the laws of the land (render unto Caesar’s)
5. Walk in wisdom and see all the implications of what discipline you choose for your children
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Obey the laws of the land, so as not to bring a snare or mark on the name of the church. Spanking can be done with an open hand on the buttocks… but spanking in rage, or spanking with objects that leave marks, or hitting a child with objects is not acceptable according to the law of man in California. A whack on the butt never killed any child and may have directed a child from destruction.
But being beaten with tree bark and whips and hard belts where marks show for days is not walking in wisdom.
1. Always keep in mind the purpose of discipline.
The purpose of a spanking is not to cause any lasting bodily harm, but to cause spiritual correction. A spanking should be swift and cause short-lived pain that makes a point. That point is that the small pain they feel now will prevent them from feeling great pain by the act they are committing, which could cause them loss of their lives in some cases
But parents who mercifully beat their children need help themselves. We are not to spank our children with uncontrolled anger, and thus hand out unjust punishment.
Proverbs 19:18(AMP): "Discipline your son while there is hope, but do not
(indulge your angry resentments by undue chastisements and) set yourself to his ruin."
Ephesians 6:4:
1 Children, obey your parents in the Lord: for this is right.
2 Honor thy father and mother; which is the first commandment with promise;
3 That it may be well with thee, and thou mayest live long on the earth.
4 And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.
The bottom line in the church is this:
Parents, be wise in where you use corporate punishment, if you must use it. Do not do any spanking in public.
Be wise in how you spank your children… the law says that spanking on the bottom with an open hand is ok, if it does not leave marks.
Be wise in knowing why you are spanking your children – it should be for a specific correction, to teach a specific lesson, and not because you are angry. (Remember that God loves the little children, and woe be to those who harm children or hurt them unnecessarily).
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And saints of God who are watching children in our Sunday schools, our youth departments, our PYPU activities, etc. should not touch a child at all physically if it is not your own child. Always refer bad behaviors back to the parents or guardians, and use alternative discipline practices like time out, withholding privileges, suspension from activities, etc.
 What are alternatives to spanking that have worked with your own children or children in your congregations?
Praise is a great motivator of children.
(GO TO THE List of examples of praise and positive consequences)
B. Neglect and Emotional Abuse
As Saints, we should be aware when we see children that are neglected and suffering from emotional abuse (someone cursing at the child constantly, calling them out of their names, etc., or a child that always comes to Sunday school or church and never has breakfast or lunch and is always hungry because of lack of provision, etc.)
But as Saints, we also should not be busybodies, judging others when the family is actually ok. Just because someone doesn’t dress his or her children the way we’d like does not mean the child is suffering from abuse or neglect. Being poor is not a sin, and it is not abuse. Not having Michael Jordan tennis shoes does not constitute abuse.
If you feel there is a true neglect issue going on (a child very skinny and malnourished, a child who has obvious medical problems that have not been treated, a child who is depressed and suicidal, etc) then mention the issue to your pastor only, and instead of gossiping about the family, pray for them.
C. Sexual Abuse
What does sexual abuse have to do with church? Sexual abuse and the church have come into the limelight due to issues in the Catholic church, but sexual abuse can happen anywhere.
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Again, wisdom is important. Pastors must be wise and in tune with the Holy
Spirit in choosing youth leaders. They should also know something about the backg round of those whom they choose. Pedophiles don’t look like monsters or demons -- they look like you and me. Pedophiles often volunteer to be teachers and coaches and youth leaders so that they can be around children. It is extremely important to know them who labor among you.
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As a youth leader, walk in wisdom. Never place yourself in a position of being alone with a child of the opposite sex on an ongoing basis, especially if that child has a background where they have been in foster care with a prior abuse background. Men, control your hearts and keep your eyes off of the developing body of the young teenage girls in the congregation, even if they have not learned yet what is appropriate to wear. Don’t let your good be evil spoken of.
Allegations can be made against anyone at any time, but if you walk in wisdom, you won’t be falsely accused.
A VIGNETTE (EXERCISE)
Read the vignette (together) and discuss what you would do.
[If you can find a vignette… I don’t have one right now]
What if Abuse Has Occurred?
If abuse has occurred that you suspect or are aware of, know the regulations.
There are people called mandated reporters, which are the following:
(See attachment)
Mandated reporters, by law, have to report child abuse, or they can be fined or placed in prison.
Are clergy mandated to report?
According to child protection law, clergy are legally mandated reporters, but they may have certain confidentiality privileges for religious based confessions that may vary from state to state. BUT REMEMBER, TO PROTECT YOURSELF IN
THIS LITIGIOUS TIME, LAWS CHANGE QUICKLY, SO PLEASE CHECK AND
BE UP TO DATE WITH THE LAWS ABOUT CLERGY MANDATES AND CHILD
PROTECTION IN YOUR OWN STATE.
Thus, if you are teaching in a Christian school and you hear one of your little students say that their aunt hit them with a tire iron, you have a reporting obligation at that time. If you are counseling a family at church and they reveal that the father sexually abused one of the daughters in the family, you have an obligation to act. If you are not the pastor, the suggested action is to go to your pastor with the information to receive spiritual wisdom regarding the issue. There is such a thing as protection of confessional information, and a thing called the client-patient confidentiality privilege, but it takes wisdom to know when you need to break that confidentiality privilege. Do not act on your own to make a report against another saint of God in your congregation without discussing it on an emergency basis with your pastor first.
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If you are the pastor yourself, they you should be familiarizing yourself with the laws in your own state in regards to child protection.
To make a report, mandated reporters are to call the hotline number in their own state. There is a n ational hotline number to find out your own state’s information:
(800) 4 A CHILD.
If you are not a mandated reporter, but you are concerned about something going on (a neighbor constantly leaving children unattended, etc.), then you can call the number that is based upon your own state mandate, but you can remain anonymous if you choose to.
In Conclusion:
Render unto Caesar what’s Caesar’s. Render unto God what’s God. Follow the laws of the land, and in doing so, you will protect the name of your church, the reputation of your family, and you will uplift the name of Jesus.
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