VALLEY DWELLERS
CAST OF CHARECTERS
SPENCER------------HEIDI’s husband.
HEIDI-----------------SPENCER’s wife.
MOM------------------HEIDI’s and HOLLY’s mother.
HOLLY---------------HEIDI’s sister.
CHARLIE------------SPENCER’s friend.
STEPHANIE---------SPENCER’s sister.
LO---------------------STEPHANIE’s friend.
KRISTIN-------------HEIDI’s friend.
FRANKIE------------BRODY’s friend.
SOMEONE----------Someone to perform the interludes.
SOMEBODY--------Somebody to perform the advertisements.
RYAN----------------AUDRINA’s boyfriend.
AUDRINA-----------HEIDI’s friend. RYAN’s girlfriend.
BRODY--------------A bro.
S.----------------------H.’s partner.
H.---------------------S.’s partner.
SETTING
Present day. Everyone wears what he or she would normally wear. The set consists of a table and four
chairs.
1
ACT I
SCENE I
HEIDI has a suitcase.
SPENCER
Baby it’s time to go.
HEIDI
Is this a good idea?
SPENCER
Is this what you want?
HEIDI
Yes, but I’m just… It’s scary. I’m scared.
SPENCER
You’re being such a coward of life right now. Look at me. You’re gonna come out of this a brand new and
better woman. Trust me. Mrs. Heidi Pratt version 5.0 upgrade platinum. And I’ll be right here when you
get out of that cocoon and I’ll be there to show the whole world that beautiful sexy new you. A brand new
Mrs. Pratt
HEIDI
Oh, baby
(They embrace.)
You’re right. This is the big day I have been anticipating for three years.
SPENCER
I know.
HEIDI
I’ve become obsessed…
SPENCER
Obsession is good. It’s what drives all the greats like you and me.
HEIDI
…photo by photo with how I look.
(Pause)
“This is the big day I have been anticipating for three years. I’ve become obsessed photo by photo with
how I look.” That’s good.
SPENCER
Write that down. People mag. will love that.
HEIDI
You’re right. This is a chance of lifetime.
SPENCER
Millennias
HEIDI
What?
SPENCER
The chance of a millennia.
HEIDI
I have to do this for myself. I’ll regret it forever if I have to live one more day like this; if I don’t take
advantage of what God’s put in front of me.
SPENCER
That’s my girl.
(HEIDI takes a deep breath and both leave.)
END SCENE
ACT I
SCENE II
HEIDI is alone with her back to the audience and a towel over her head. She is talking to her dog in that
voice people use when they talk to dogs.
HEIDI
Smoochy woochy. You’re just the prettiest puppy in this whole wide world yes you are.
(Sung.)
2
You are such a pretty puppy
How’d you get to be so pretty?
Pretty puppy.
Pretty puppy.
(The imaginary dog tries to bite/claw off some of her bandages)
No, no, no. Mommies got to keep these bandages on. Yes, yes. I wont be taking these bandages off for
nine weeks. We need to keep everything tight, tight, tight! Isn’t that right?
(Sung)
Tight, tight, tight!
Isn’t that right?
Tight, tight, tight.
Going till we see the light.
In a couple of weeks it’s going to be a whole different mommy. A super mommy. Not just Lauren’s frumpy
sidekick. I’ll be a sexy, confident woman, a real Cinderlla story precious. That old Heidi had to go. Yes
she did!
(Grabs her forehead)
Oooohhhhh I have a constant headache and its time for it to go away too.
Tight, tight, tight!
Everything is going to be all right, right, right!
END SCENE
ACT I
SCENE III
SPENCER and HEIDI are sitting in chairs on opposite sides of the stage. They are both typing on
laptops/phones.
HEIDI
Attach a file. Failed? Retry? Yes. Failed. Use classic up-loader? Yes. File attached. Send.
(Pause)
SPENCER
(Reading from laptop)
“Spencer my love my heart my king.
You are my world and my everything.
I love you more than I could ever express
Especially when I have been such a mess.
Every moment with you is beyond a blessing.
2010 no more anxiety or stressing.
All that matters in the universe is you.
God has made us soul mates pure and true.
Thank you for every detail you have done fore me.
You always go above and beyond and it’s always love I see
The moment I met you, you changed my world.
Some say it’s been quite the swirl.
I love every second of our lives together.
With each other we can get through any weather.
I thank god for the miracle of you every day.
I could never live life without you and I pray
That it’s only going to get better all the time.
All that matters in life is that you are mine
Thank you for loving and marring me.
I know it has a lot to do with the higher powers to be.
Know that I love you with everything I have.
With you by my side it out weights all the bad.
Sorry for ever not being the best wife.
I am going to make it up to you my whole life.
You are the most amazing, unique, special person to ever live.
I thank Jesus that I was the one chosen for you to give.
You’re positive love and light to me.
Without you I would be so lost with no glee.
Thank you for always taking such amazing care of me.
3
You are the most selfless, loving, perfect, caring, miraculous soul to be.
Every day I am in awe of you.
All of your passions motives are always so pure and true.
I feel bad for all the women in the world who don’t have you.
But sorry ladies, there is one and I don’t share.
Iron and iron we are quite the pair.
I will work to pull my strength and weight.
Your so strong and incredible, there is no weakness in you traits.
I’ll love you for all eternity.
Working everyday diligently,
On making you happy and loving every second of our flawless lives.
Life so precious and at the most I have the honor of being your wife.
It doesn’t matter where we go or what we do
All I want in life is to be with you.
Whatever our blessed futures hold
In it together we’ll laugh, love, and one day grow old.
Thank you, thank you, for always loving me.
Sometimes I know it’s not that easy.
But 2010 is the start of a new life.
Like I said, there will be no strife.
All that matters is the time we get to spend.
That’s all that matters when it comes to the end.
Mrs. Pratt is coming out to stay.
Never will I go back to my old other ways.
It’s a new beginning and era of love.
-Heidi”
(SPENCER considers this then…)
Copy. Paste. Send.
HEIDI
(Reading from her laptop)
“Heidi,
You are my fire.
My one desire.
Believe when you hear me say.
I want you everyday.
Even though sometimes we are two worlds apart.
Sometimes I just can’t reach your heart.
I will always say,
I want you anyway.
Tell me why?
There aint no heartache.
Tell me why?
We’ve never made a mistake.
Because you will never say
You want me to go away.
Now I can see that you are falling apart
From the way that you used to be, yeah.
No matter your differences
I want you to know
That deep down inside of me…
You are my fire
My one desire
You are
You are
You are
4
Don’t wanna hear you say
Aint nothin’ but a heartache
Aint nothin’ but a mistake
I never wanna hear you say
You want me to go away.
Love,
Spencer”
END SCENE
ACT I
SCENE IV
HEIDI has her suitcase again.
SPENCER
Heidi I really don’t think this is a good idea, you getting on a plane to Colorado. I think you need to stay
here where I can take care of you.
HEIDI
I know but I just haven’t been home in a while, and I haven’t seen my mom since the wedding and I think
she was a little hurt not knowing about my surgeries so I just kinda feel like I have to do this.
SPENCER
Well Heidi I’m gonna come with you.
HEIDI
No Spencer you’re not going to come with me. You and my mom don’t get along—
SPENCER
Well dear, your mom is a very tough women.
HEIDI
I completely agree. That’s why I want her to see how great I look and how happy I finally feel.
SPENCER
You are so unbelievably naïve it’s…it’s just… it’s sad.
HEIDI
I mean that’s enough I don’t want to talk about this any more. We’re going to be late soo
SPENCER
OK
HEIDI
OK? OK?
(Pause)
I don’t understand why you always have to be so confrontational all the time.
SPENCER
Heidi I’m not being confrontational. I’m just being real.
HEIDI
Whatever. I’m getting on that plane and I’m going and that is finale. What are you going to do while I’m
gone?
SPENCER
You know the same old same old. Just hanging out. I think I gotta shoot a scene at Wonderland tonight
with everyone. Should be pretty insane. Thinking about taking the truck. I think they want me to show
some badness; be Spencer the destroyer you know what I am saying? Maybe bring the attitude. Could be
fun.
HEIDI
Well whatever you do don’t have too much fun. Try to control yourself.
SPENCER
Yes master, whatever you say master.
HEIDI
Stop it.
SPENCER
Listen, I’m just gonna do my thing and let the cards fall where they may.
HEIDI
OK baby. Just don’t say I didn’t warn you.
SPENCER
5
Well whatever. You’re gonna need more than a warning for that beautiful mom of yours. Your’e gonna
need a harpoon maybe a bazooka.
(HEIDI rolls her eyes and they leave.)
END SCENE
ACT I
SCENE V
HEIDI and HOLLY enter and meet their MOM.
HEIDI
Hi mommy.
MOM
Hi honey.
HEIDI
Hi.
MOM
How are you? You’re all fragile and everything?
HEIDI
You got to be careful with everything.
HOLLY
You can’t touch anything.
HEIDI
You.
MOM
Well come in, come in.
HEIDI
I knew you were going to cry. It’s so nice to be home.
MOM
So nice to have you home. So how are you feeling?
HEIDI
You act like I have a new face or something.
MOM
That’s pretty much what it is like. It takes a little bit getting used to. It’s… it’s very weird and very
awkward… I’m sorry I’m just a little…
HEIDI
It’s OK.
MOM
So how are you feeling? Are you happy?
HEIDI
Yeah, I’m feeling a lot better.
MOM
I can’t really hear you, why are you talking so soft?
HEIDI
I can’t talk umm a lot louder because my jaw is kinda locked up.
MOM
Hmmmmmm.
HEIDI
Ummmm.
MOM
What all did you have done?
HEIDI
I got…ummm…I got a slight eyebrow lift. And that’s why I had those staples in my head-MOM
Is that permanent?
HEIDI
Yeah it’s permanent.
MOM
It’s not… they’re not going to come down a little?
HEIDI
6
No. I had my nose redone. I had my own fat injected into my cheeks. I had my ears pinned back. I had
injections in my lips. I had my chin shaved down. Ummm I had my breasts redone and my back shaped.
And then I had a little bit of inner and outer lipo done.
MOM
You risked your life to do the things that you did.
HEIDI
Mom there’s brain surgery everyday. That’s huge surgeries.
MOM
You had an elective surgery that was completely unnecessary and—
HEIDI
To you it was unnecessary.
MOM
I just feel like that when you left home you had more confidence and more self-esteem than any person I’ve
ever met in my entire life.
HEIDI
You know growing up I used to put water balloons in my bra and I always wanted big boobs and you know
it’s not anything new.
MOM
You said you wanted bigger boobs than you have now?
HEIDI
I actually wanted bigger ones but they couldn’t fit in.
MOM
It sounds to me that you want to look like Barbie.
HEIDI
I do want to look like Barbie—
MOM
Why would you want to look like Barbie? To everybody else who saw you, you looked like Heidi. Nobody
in the world could of looked like Heidi Montag.
HEIDI
Are you telling me you don’t think I look good?
MOM
Maybe you should rephrase the question.
HEIDI
No. Do I look good?
MOM
I mean how do I go and say of course I thought you were more beautiful before. I thought that you were
younger looking. I thought you were fresher looking. I thought you were healthier. What’s done is done.
So that’s a terrible thing for me to say, so yes, that‘s how I feel. I felt you were much more beautiful before
and I’m hoping some of this will fade away and go away.
HEIDI
You don’t have to support it or think it looks good, but you have to realize what I’ve been through. You
have to realize that I’ve been through so much pain and coming here and having you attacking me, it’s just
really hard and I understand that you don’t support it and I understand that you’re upset, that you’re
disappointed, but mom, this is what I choose and there is nothing I can take back.
END SCENE
ACT I
SCENE VI
HEIDI and SPENCER sit on opposite ends of the stage. HEIDI calls SPENCER on her phone.
SPENCER
Yo yo yo.
HEIDI
Hey baby.
SPENCER
Why hello my beautiful gorgeous wife. To what do I owe this unexpected pleasure?
HEIDI
Did you see my tweet?
SPENCER
No. I did not. What did it say perchance?
7
HEIDI
That I really miss you, and that today was probably, like honestly, the most difficult day of my entire life.
I’m not even joking. My mother basically screamed at me and told me that she didn’t think I’m beautiful
anymore. Can you believe that? Like, I’m her daughter and she’s saying that to me?
SPENCER
I told you that woman was unstable. A complete psycho.
HEIDI
I tried to tell her, like saying, this was a decision I needed to make and I would hope, that of all the people,
my own mother would be supportive of my decisions and, like, how hard all of this has been for me.
SPENCER
Completely and utterly ridiculous. Sorry Heidi, but your whole family is crazy--they’re nut real nut jobs.
HEIDI
Yeah I’m really beginning to think so. My mom was just attacking me, asking “Is this permanent? Is this
permanent? Will this go away?” And the whole time my own sister, Holly, was just sitting, not saying
anything. After all we’ve been through she couldn’t even, like, speak up once?
SPENCER
That bitch is the worst.
HEIDI
I mean, like, really?
SPENCER
We got to cut these people out of our life, Heidi. Your sister, my sister, Kirstin, Audrina, all of them.
They’re like a cancer. I was at Wonderland tonight and I was just sitting there, minding my own business,
when Audrina just came right up to me and started asking me all these questions, getin’ all up in my
business “Where’s Heidi? What’s she doing?” Blah, blah, blah, and I was like, “Whoa, hey get away from
me. I’m just trying to do my thing over here.”
HEIDI
She’s sooooo crazy.
SPENCER
And then Brody just exploded. Started literally screaming in my face. Like two inches away.
HEIDI
Whoa.
SPENCER
I was cool and I was like, “Bro, don’t make me hurt you.”
HEIDI
Spencer, what did you do?
SPENCER
Nothing. He was acting like a child--an infant screaming in my face. It took every atom in my body not
smash his fucking head in you know? Like, but, I was the adult in the situation. I told them they don’t
know how dangerous I am. They don’t know.
HEIDI
Why do we get involved with these people?
SPENCER
We can’t escape our families but that doesn’t mean we have to communicate with them.
HEIDI
I don’t want to be here. I want to come home and be with you.
SPENCER
Listen baby, they’re just jealous because we are going somewhere--together. We’re like, leaving the stratomega-o-sphere and they can’t handle it. We are too hot for them. That’s why they resent us. We’re burning
up.
HEIDI
We’re on fire.
SPENCER
Exactly.
END SCENE
ACT I
SCENE VII
SPENCER is taking a picture of something with his phone.
8
SPENCER
Heidi! Heidi! Get in here.
HEIDI
What is it?
SPENCER
Look!
HEIDI
What am I looking at?
SPENCER
There! On the freaking crystal!
HEIDI
Spencer, that’s totally…that’s… it’s gorgeous.
SPENCER
Seriously what are the odds of a lady bug landing right there! Like one in a million. I’m totally
facebooking this…
HEIDI
Oh my god, if this isn’t a sign from god…
SPENCER
It’s a sign telling us that all this craziness is outside of us. Leave the drama at the door. We don’t need
anything but each other. We are in, like, complete harmony.
HEIDI
This is our day.
SPENCER
This is our day. Today is telling us to keep believing in the awesome power inside our love. You are my
fire, remember? My one desire. I love you so much. Happy Valentines Day, baby.
HEIDI
I love you too. You are my fire. You are my one desire. Happy Valentines Day.
END SCENE
ACT I
SCENE VIII
CHARLIE is sitting in a chair. SPENCER enters and sits down.
CHARLIE
You all right bro? Take a seat off, man. Have a load man—shit. Sorry, sorry.
(SPENCER gets up waits a beat and re-starts the scene.)
You all right bro? Take a load off. Have a seat man. Talk to me bro. I know last night, at Kristin’s
barbeque, sucked. You had to deal with a whole bunch of shit. You need to just forget about that for a
minute today, because it is really affecting you.
SPENCER
You want to see something ultimately powerful?
CHARLIE
I… yeah sure.
SPENCER
Oh yeah, look at that right there.
(SPENCER hands CHARLIE a seagull feather.)
CHARLIE
That is a seagull feather you got from the pacific palisades. This is bird flu status. So bald eagle. What did
they… I mean come on man. These are snake oil salesmen.
SPENCER
(SPENCER exhales deeply)
Oh my god.
CHARLIE
It’s your life. It’s you and your wife. It’s you two against the world, but I get it.
SPENCER
I never had females in my life that are so crazy. I try to go to Kirstin’s barbeque. I’m just sitting there. I
gotta sister crying in my face doing drama, “He yelled at me!”
CHARLIE
Waterworks.
9
SPENCER
“He screamed at me. Look how he ignores me!” When she popped out of my mom and they tried to hand
her to me I went like this, “Ahhhhhhh.”
(SPENCER puts his hands up.)
CHARLIE
I’m serious stop.
SPENCER
You’re so chill you don’t see what people are doing.
CHARLIE
And what you’re doing makes you miserable all the time.
SPENCER
Not all the time. My life is perfect until Stephanie and Holly try to come in and, like, be apart of it.
CHARLIE
What are you going to do? Build the biggest walls you possibly can? Just cordon yourself off from reality
forever?
SPENCER
I’m trying. That’s why I’m trying to keep them in my crystals.
CHARLIE
I don’t think the crystals are working man, because you’re fucking hyperventilating over here. You’re red
face.
SPENCER
I know they’re not working that’s why there are hundreds on me right now.
CHARLIE
Maybe take them all off and look in the mirror. You’re crazy. You lost it.
END SCENE
ACT I
SCENE IX
HEIDI and SPENCER enter. SPENCER pulls out HEIDI’s chair and then sits in the other.
HEIDI
Thank you honey.
SPENCER
Thank you dear.
HEIDI
I can’t believe I haven’t seen anyone yet, the girls, Kristin, Audrina, anyone. I’m so excited to go to
Kristin’s barbeque tonight and show them my 3.0 body.
SPENCER
10.0 perfect ten.
HEIDI
It’s like they get to meet a whole new girl.
SPENCER
I’m kinda excited. I just feel like I’m not used to being around civilians
HEIDI
Me either.
SPENCER
Realistically I truly don’t know how I’m going to be around Stephanie.
HEIDI
Well I think you should try to make amends or reach out to Stephanie because I’ve been going through so
much hard stuff. If one of us could have that connection with our family I think it would be good.
SPENCER
But I haven’t talked to Stephanie once since the DUI and she knows why, because that was the final straw.
HEIDI
Well what are you going to do if your sister is there?
SPENCER
Ummm avoid her like a plague.
HEIDI
Spencer.
SPENCER
Heidi.
10
END SCENE
ACT I
SCENE X
HEIDI and SPENCER enter together converse briefly and then join everyone else already on stage
SPENCER
Are you ready for this angel?
HEIDI
I don’t know.
SPENCER
It’s going be like World War Three in there. Just remember that we have the power of light on our side.
We’ll go down and mingle with these mortals, bless them with our presence and then just take off. They
can’t touch us. They can’t touch us.
HEIDI
I just think it’s sad that all of our friends can’t see what’s really going on. Like, they’re stuck in, like, their
whole little worlds. I mean, honestly my sister, your sister, I just feel really sorry for them all.
SPENCER
Oh there’s no feeling sorry for those girls. Trust me, they know exactly what’s going on. You remember
what happened at Kristin’s barbeque? They are out of their freaking minds. I’d rather slit both of my
wrists before getting involved with those psychos ever again.
HEIDI
Let’s just go and try to have a good time and we just have to be strong.
SPENCER
Exactamundo.
HEIDI
Find our place of harmony and let our unity get us through this battle.
SPENCER
We just need to put our game faces on and take it to the next level that’s all. We can be each other’s fire.
HEIDI
You are all I desire too. My eternal fire.
(They join the rest of the group sitting around a circle of chairs.)
STEPHANIE
(To LO)
Oh my god, I can’t believe they even came.
SPENCER
(Addressing everyone)
I’ve never walked through that many people in my whole life.
STEPHANIE
Oh my god what’s wrong with her?
LO
Crystal power.
SPENCER
I had to walk in with my stone of courage.
STEPHANIE
They’re not even going to say hi?
LO
What the fuck.
HEIDI
(To KRISTIN)
This is morganite. Close you eyes and see what you feel.
STEPHANIE
Oh my god, Heidi just pulled out crystals.
KRISTIN
I don’t…I don’t know.
HEIDI
OK this one is for geniuses. It opens your mind into everything so it helps you really think and it’s for
protection when you are in a war zone.
(She winks at KRISTIN)
KRISTIN
Mmmmmmmm I like it.
11
HOLLY
(To FRANKIE)
I’ve been trying since they started together to be understanding of their relationship. It’s just gone beyond
the point of being respectful of anybody—
FRANKIE
So what are you going to do? Is there going to be a Heidi and Spencer fund?
HOLLY
I hope so. I hope so. I will kick his little fucking punk bitch ass across town so he can shut up for once and
for all.
SPENCER
(Both talking to KRISTIN)
I don’t let her go on TV, no computers. They only thing that Heidi does is read and write poetry and
pray—
HEIDI
And read books.
SPENCER
And pet puppies and read books. So she is logged out of the matrix.
HOLLY
(To STEPHANIE)
I’m about to loose it. I can’t stand it. She was so rude, Heidi. I’ve never seen her like that. “Why do I keep
sticking up for you when you just walk all over me and treat me like shit?”
STEPHANIE
I’m not going to try anymore.
HOLLY
Oh I’m not either. I’m…they have isolated themselves from everybody.
END SCENE
ACT I
SCENE XI
KRISTIN is sitting at the table.
KRISTIN
(Rehearsing to herself)
Hey! Hi. Why Hello! Hello. Oh my god you are so cute. You are so cute, oh my god. How’s it going?
You look so cute. What’s going on? Look how cute you are. What’s going on? OK let’s go
(Enter HEIDI)
Hello!
HEIDI
How are you?
KRISTIN
Look how cute you are. What’s going on?
HEIDI
What’s not going on.
KRISTIN
You look so cute. You’re little now too.
HEIDI
What have you been up to?
KRISTIN
Ummmmm I’ve been hanging out with Brody a little bit. But…
HEIDI
Really….
KRISTIN
But, I don’t know what’s going on.
HEIDI
I think that’s one thing Spencer is really missing in his life is Brody.
KRISTIN
I bet.
HEIDI
You know.
12
KRISTIN
They were so close. Like remember at my barbeque that fight that Stephanie and Spencer got into? Like
how the veins in his neck were popping out when he was talking about her. And he was just, I mean, I
have never seen him like that before. I mean, I was scared of him, like I don’t know how you-HEIDI
Cuz you know Spencer. He’s always been crazy…
KRISTIN
Yeah, but this is not the same.
HEIDI
But he was…He was fun crazy.
KRISTIN
But it’s kinda scary.
HEIDI
He’s being really intense and like he’s just had too much.
KRISTIN
I don’t know. I mean I can’t tell you what to do but if he is losing his mind, I mean, you can’t stick around.
HEIDI
It’s just really hard because like I don’t have my family anymore and I don’t really have the same core
group of friends anymore and—
KRISTIN
I mean that’s stuff you can change. You can change all of that. And you have me, you have Audrina, and
I’m sure and-HEIDI
I want to focus more on like love and you know, like, I love him more than anything, it, like, burns. It’s like
who am I without Spencer?
END SCENE
ACT I
SCENE XII
HEIDI and SPENCER are standing around the table. They are eating something out of a bag.
SPENCER
Why are these so totally addictive?
HEIDI
I literally can’t stop eating them.
SPENCER
They’re definitely deadly.
(Pause to eat some more.)
They are definitely deadly. Genocidal. Listen, today is just another Tuesday.
HEIDI
Yeah.
SPENCER
We’re going to go in there and watch this thing, like we’ve done a million times and, like, nothing is going
to change.
(Pause)
Right?
HEIDI
Can we pray?
SPENCER
Heidi, I don’t think that is g—
HEIDI
Spencer, we are praying.
(They join hands across the table.)
Dear Heavenly father,
We thank you for all that we have received and are about to receive. Please shield us from all the crazy and
evil people in the world and fill our souls with love and courage as we enter this next stage of our lives
tonight. It certainly has been a rollercoaster ride over the years, but all good things must come to an end.
We understand that this isn’t the end this is just the beginning, and that you have bigger plans for us than
this silly TV show and all of its drama. We hope that you put your blessed and magical grace in our hearts
13
as you show us down our path of joy, that we walk, hand in hand together, wherever it may lead. Forever
yours in an infinite cycle of harmony, purity, and power we pray. Amen.
SPENCER
Amen.
HEIDI
I love you.
SPENCER
I love you.
HEIDI
Fire.
SPENCER
Fire.
(They take the bag of whatever they are eating and, hand in hand, proceed to sit with the audience.
SPENCER pantomimes the motion of using a remote control to “turn on” the stage.)
14
ACT II
15
ACT II
SCENE I
HEIDI and SPENCER have been replaced in the audience by H. and S. KRISTIN gives the low down as
each vignette is performed.
KRISTIN
Previously on The Hills. Ryan still didn’t know what to make of Brody…
RYAN
I still don’t understand why he would be mad at me.
AUDRINA
Probably because he has a crush on me.
KRISTIN
But in the end, he made it official with Audrina…
AUDRINA
So does that mean we are exclusive?
RYAN
You mean, you were thinking that we weren’t?
KRISTIN
Brody just couldn’t let it go…
BRODY
I just don’t know what their deal is? Is she dating him? Is she not?
KRISTIN
They seem like they are happy.
KRISTIN
But we started hanging out and I kinda liked it…
(KRISTIN and BRODY flirt wrestle.)
BRODY
I think we need to change something here in the score.
KRISTIN
Shut up!
KRISTIN
Spencer continued to lose all sense of reality…
SPENCER
I’m being so serious right now I will personally carry you off the property.
HEIDI
Stop it. You’re fine.
KRISTIN
Holly was scared she was losing her sister for good…
HEIDI
You can call me!
HOLLY
I can’t! I don’t even have your number! And he’s always with you!
KRISTIN
But no one could have predicted what was about to happen next.
END SCENE
ACT II
SCENE II
HOLLY and STEPHANIE meet and sit down at a table for lunch.
HOLLY
Why hello gorgeous!
STEPHANIE
What amazing timing!
HOLLY
Yay! Sisters!
STEPHANIE
Hi sis! I know we have this thing…
HOLLY
We have telepathy. Aww it is gorgeous out here.
(They sit down at the table.)
16
Ahhh where do we even start?
STEPHANIE
I know. I feel like this should be lunch one of like three.
HOLLY
Right? We need to make this more regular.
STEPHANIE
I know we do. Especially since it is only us left now-HOLLY
I know.
STEPHANIE
--in the family. How is your family? Like your parents?
HOLLY
Asides from the stuff with Heidi they’re great!
STEPHANIE
Oh my god.
HOLLY
Well what about Spencer? Is he talking to anybody in your family?
STEPHANIE
No. No. they have no friends, no family. I mean they have no one.
HOLLY
You have no idea the things he’s said to me in like, a threatening nature.
STEPHANIE
Like what?
HOLLY
He’s like, “I’ll have escorted off the property,” like, “move back to Colorado if you know what’s good for
you.”
STEPHANIE
You’re scaring me right now.
HOLLY
I don’t know what to do and it’s so frustrating because it’s like,
I
just
miss
my
sister.
STEPHANIE
I’ve never had to deal with a problem like this where people have lost their minds and it’s not because of
some substance.
HOLLY
All I want is for her to be happy, I just… I’m just so worried about her.
STEPHANIE
Screw that. I don’t want her to be happy. I just want her to be normal again.
END SCENE
SOMEONE
“Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words
That you could not find
Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
17
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten”
(Pause)
SOMEBODY
“Does your hair color feel as healthy as it looks?
SOMEONE
It will with natural instincts.
SOMEBODY
It’s clinically proven, 80% of women agreed that natural instincts made their hair feel softer. The
ammonia-free, anti-oxidant formula actually protects hair from dryness, leaving it softer and healthier
looking. For natural-looking color in ten minutes, get your hands on natural instincts.
SOMEONE
It’s all good.
SOMEBODY
For a rich natural experience try all ten color crème shades.”
ACT II
SCENE III
KRISTIN is sitting at a table. HEIDI enters.
SOMEONE
“Like a hurricane in the heart of the devastation.
She's a natural disaster, she's the last of the American girls.”
KRISTIN
Hello.
HEIDI
How are you?
KRISTIN
Look how cute you are. What’s going on?
HEIDI
What’s not going on.
KRISTIN
You look so cute. You’re little now too.
HEIDI
What have you been up to?
KRISTIN
Ummmmm I’ve been hanging out with Brody a little bit. But…
HEIDI
Really….
KRISTIN
But I don’t know what’s going on.
HEIDI
I think that’s one thing Spencer is really missing in his life is Brody.
KRISTIN
I bet.
HEIDI
You know.
KRISTIN
They were so close. Like remember at my barbeque that fight that Stephanie and Spencer got into? But
how like the veins in his neck were popping out when he was talking about her? And he was just, I mean, I
have never seen him like that before. I mean, I was scared of him, Like I don’t know how you…
HEIDI
Cuz you know Spencer. He’s was always been crazy…
KRISTIN
Yeah but this is not the same.
HEIDI
But he was-KRISTIN
18
But he is definitely not the same.
HEIDI
He was fun crazy.
KRISTIN
But it’s kinda scary.
HEIDI
He’s being really intense and like he’s just had too much.
KRISTIN
I don’t know. I mean I can’t tell you what to do but if he is losing his mind, I mean, you cant stick around.
HEIDI
It’s just really hard because, like, I don’t have my family anymore and I don’t really have the same core
group of friends anymore and—
KRISTIN
I mean that’s stuff you can change. You can change all of that. And you have me, you have Audrina, and
I’m sure and-HEIDI
I want to focus more on like love and, you know, like I love him more than anything. It’s like who am I
without Spencer?
END SCENE
ACT II
SCENE IV
AUDRINA visits RYAN in his recording studio. He is recording the last part of his song when she enters.
RYAN
(Sung)
“When two worlds collide and disappear
Who makes the seconds feel like years.
There’s just no way, no way, no way, no way, without us
And this love.”
I messed up that ending pretty bad
(AUDRINA claps)
Hey.
AUDRINA
Hi.
RYAN
Oh snap.
AUDRINA
I like it.
RYAN
You mad me nervous.
AUDRINA
That was good.
RYAN
I was like, uh oh. Hey baby.
AUDRINA
Hi.
RYAN
You finally made it.
AUDRINA
This is where you always hide out.
RYAN
Yeah this is our…my hole.
AUDRINA
This is kinda like the man cave.
RYAN
Yeah I mean like in a sense. We got the fine crystals…
AUDRINA
Crystals?! Did Spencer give that to you?
19
RYAN
No, no, no, no, no.
AUDRINA
Kristin and I want to set up a night out at Wonderland with everyone.
RYAN
With everybody?!
AUDRINA
Well not everyone. Like, you bring your friends I’ll bring my friends.
RYAN
Everyone!
AUDRINA
Not everyone!
RYAN
Again?!
(Pause)
As awesome as that sounds…I mean you understand.
AUDRINA
Yeah it’s a little intense at times.
RYAN
Yeah.
SOMBODY
“I shoulda left my phone at home,
'cause this is a disaster!
Callin' like a collector sorry, I cannot answer!”
END SCENE
ACT II
SCENE V
Later that night at Wonderland BRODY, FRANKIE, and KRISTIN are mingling around a semi circle of
chairs.
SOMEONE
“Not that I don't like you,
I'm just at a party.
And I am sick and tired
of my phone r-ringing.
Stop callin', stop callin',
I don't wanna think anymore!”
BRODY
You want a shot?
KRISTIN
No.
BRODY
Only one.
KRISTIN
No, no, I don’t want any.
BRODY
Lame.
(Enter AUDRINA and STEPHANIE.)
FRANKIE
Ooooohh the girls are here!
AUDRINA
Hello Frankie.
FRANKIE
Hello Audrina.
BRODY
(To AUDRINA)
Hey wooo oh my god!
(AUDRINA laughs.)
20
I’m just kidding. What’s up?
AUDRINA
Good how are you?
STEPHANIE
(To KRISTIN)
Do you want to spray tan? I have my own spray tan machine.
KRISTIN
You do? I’ve never done it before.
STEPHANIE
Stop it. Yes you have.
BRODY
(To AUDRINA.)
Audrina! Cheers! There are some things that I want to talk to you about. There is a lot of things that I
haven’t said to you that I wasn’t able to talk about when I had a girlfriend. You know what I mean? Just,
like, life.
AUDRINA
I just started to make friends with Kristin, like, we’re chill. I don’t want to overstep another boundary.
BRODY
What does that mean? Kristin has dibs?
AUDRINA
She obviously likes you.
BRODY
I think we need to talk about it.
AUDRINA
Brody, I have a boyfriend. I feel like you always want what you can’t have.
BRODY
Whatever,
(Enter SPENCER)
KRISTIN
Is that Spencer right there?
STEPHANIE
That’s Spencer.
FRANKIE
Yo Spencer’s here!
BRODY
(To SPENCER)
What’s up buddy? How’d you manage to get out to come kick it with the boys?
SPENCER
The warden released me.
BRODY
The warden?
(BRODY laughs.)
KRISTIN
Spencer. Spencer! He’s ignoring us.
BRODY
I would love for you to come and kick it more, I would. Get out of the whole little thing that you’ve been
doing just for a second. Come on the boat with me; come chill. Right now you are so stuck in your
marriage that I can tell you’re not happy right now. You’re not. I am right or am I wrong? You know
you’re not.
SPENCER
I don’t know dog.
AUDRINA
(To STEPHANIE)
What do you feel like doing right now, like-STEPHANIE
Going.
AUDRINA
Do want to go talk to him? or…
STEPHANIE
No, I don’t.
BRODY
21
Hey Audrina! Get over. Hey, Get over here.
(AUDRINA joins BRODY and SPENCER)
AUDRINA
Spencer where is Heidi?
SPENCER
You are the lamest f-ing girl in this club.
BRODY
Dude, relax bro. What the hell is wrong with you?
SPENCER
I hate that bitch, excuse my French.
BRODY
Hey you’re crazy. You’re f-ing being a weirdo bro.
SPENCER
You just yelled at me, that’s very gnarly dude. That’s the loudest someone has yelled in my face in three
years.
BRODY
I’m over it! I don’t want to hear anything you have to tell me.
SPENCER
You’re up in my face dog! Walk away from me before we have a problem.
KRISTIN
Oh my god.
SPENCER
Walk the f away. God! People don’t know how dangerous I am. Like, I really had to just hold myself from
f-ing smashing his f-ing head off. You know like this is like…
SOMEBODY
“It’s going down. It’s going down.”
END SCENE
SOMEONE
Droid.
SOMEBODY
You’ve never seen fast. You’ve never held it in your hand. And unleashed it with a fingertip. Watch
pixels whip by at one gigahertz and have your neurons struggle to keep up. You’ve never seen fast because
you have never seen this.
SOMEONE
The Droid Incredible.
SOMEBODY
It’s nothing short of its name. Buy a Droid Incredible with flash and get any phone for free.
ACT II
SCENE VI
STEPHANIE and AUDRINA are eating at the table.
SOMEONE
“I think I can figure it out but I’m gonna need a little help to get me through it. To get me through it.”
AUDRINA
Heidi called me and Kristin, and she wants to do lunch. And she sounded like something is wrong.
STEPHANIE
Like what?
AUDRINA
I don’t know she wouldn’t say. She just said she wants to have lunch with us cause she needs to talk to
someone.
STEPHANIE
I don’t know what’s happened. Literally, like, I saw my brother he looked so thin.
AUDRINA
And he was so mean to everyone.
STEPHANIE
He has no reason to hate all of us.
AUDRINA
22
It seems like he has so much aggression inside.
STEPHANIE
I don’t understand what’s happened to him.
AUDRINA
I don’t get it either. That’s why Kristin and I are like, lets’ go to lunch with Heidi, see what’s up, like,
something’s wrong.
STEPHANIE
She’ll have lunch with you and Kristin but she wont speak to Holly or I? That’s such bullspit. We were so
there for her. I planned her frickin’ wedding.
AUDRINA
I know you did.
STEPHANIE
I don’t know. He’s a loose cannon and Heidi’s there for the ride.
AUDRINA
Well we’ll see what she has to say at lunch.
STEPHANIE
Tell me what happens.
AUDRINA
I will.
STEPHANIE
Try to, like, bring me up.
AUDRINA
Do you want to know if it’s good or bad?
STEPHANIE
Oh yeah.
END SCENE
ACT II
SCENE VII
KRISTIN is seated at the table. AUDRINA enters.
SOMEBODY
“I’m not asking the reason.
SOMEONE
Take me over.”
AUDRINA
Hi.
KRISTIN
Hi. How are you?
AUDRINA
Good. Oh my god, OK.
KRISTIN
Have you talked to Heidi?
AUDRINA
No, but what was the deal with Spencer last night?
KRISTIN
I know how crazy is that? It’s all a little extreme. I had lunch with her recently and she’s crazy.
AUDRINA
She’s like in Spencer land all time.
KRISTIN
I think he’s just really gone off the deep end.
(Enter HEIDI)
HEIDI
Hi you guys.
KRISTIN
Hi!
AUDRINA
How are you?
KRISTIN
Look at those shorts.
23
HEIDI
I made them.
KRISTIN
Are you serious?
HEIDI
Yes.
KRISTIN
They’re so cute. I love them.
AUDRINA
Wait Heidi, you made these shorts?
KRISTIN
Those are really really cute.
HEIDI
Thank you.
AUDRINA
Wait, I have to ask you a question, OK, cause this kinda tripped me out. OK, last night Spencer was so
rude. And so I mean, don’t you think he owes he an apology?
HEIDI
An apology for what?
AUDRINA
He yelled at me for no reason.
HEIDI
I think he’s just got a lot going on and you know with like our families and everything that’s happened I
think he’s just umm—
AUDRINA
It’s almost like you are in denial. You don’t want to believe what you’re going through.
KRISTIN
Exactly.
HEIDI
OK. All guys are a little bit controlling.
AUDRINA
Yeah
HEIDI
So if you ever think something different.
KRISTIN
Spencer has always been, like, very, like, kinda crazy and kinda wild, but never, like, angry like he is now.
I don’t know anyone who would be OK with that.
HEIDI
Here is the thing; you don’t know me. Spencer didn’t change me. I changed myself. I don’t have time, I
don’t have energy, that’s why I’ve cut people off.
END SCENE
ACT II
SCENE VIII
KRISTIN is seated at the club. AUDRINA enters and joins her.
SOMEBODY
“Hollywood. Hollywood.
SOMEONE
I hear you calling my name.
SOMEBODY
Hollywood. Hollywood.
SOMEONE
I got a cravin’ for fame.
No turning back
I’m gonna float like I don’t care.
Because I look like I’m rich
I talk like I’m rich.
I spend like I’m rich.
24
SOMEBODY
Hey, Hey Hollywood.”
KRISTIN
Hey where’s Ryan?
AUDRINA
Sleeping.
KRISTIN
Oh really?
KRISTIN
Is he coming?
(AUDRINA shakes her head.)
(Enter BRODY and FRANKIE)
KRISTIN
Heyyyyyyyy.
BRODY
What do you guys got going on here?
KRISTIN
Bradely!!!
(To AUDRINA.)
Are Stephanie and Lo coming?
AUDRINA
Yeah they should be here.
(Enter STEPHANIE and LO)
KRISTIN
Ohh speak of the devil.
STEPHANIE
(To BRODY. They embrace.)
Hi. I like the beard.
AUDRINA
Heyyyyyyyyy!
STEPHANIE
Hey!!!!!!!!!!!
(AUDRINA and STEPHANIE embrace. Everyone embraces.)
KRISTIN
(Holding on to BRODY)
My knight in shinning armor.
FRANKIE
You guys have, like, this secret love for each other don’t you?
KRISTIN
I knowwww.
BRODY
(To KRISTIN)
Oh, what you want some? You want some?
FRANKIE
Look at you guys. Look at you guys. You guys should kiss. Kiss.
BRODY
Should we?
KRISTIN
All right. OK.
(They kiss)
FRANKIE
Whoooo. Whoo. Whoo.
LO
(To STEPHANIE)
Oh. My. God.
STEPHANIE
Oh my God, I can’t believe they even came.
(Enter HEIDI and SPENCER)
SPENCER
I’ve never walked through that many people in my whole life.
25
STEPHANIE
Oh my god, what’s wrong with her?
LO
Crystal power.
SPENCER
I had to walk in with my stone of courage.
STEPHANIE
They’re not even going to say hi?
LO
What the F.
HEIDI
(To KRISTIN)
This is morganite. Close you eyes and see what you feel.
STEPHANIE
Oh my god, Heidi just pulled out crystals.
KRISTIN
I don’t…I don’t know.
HEIDI
OK this one is for geniuses. It opens your mind into everything so it helps you really think and it’s for
protection when you are in a war zone.
(She winks at KRISTIN)
KRISTIN
Mmmmmmmm I like it.
HOLLY
(To FRANKIE)
I’ve been trying since they started together to be understanding of their relationship. It’s just gone beyond
the point of being respectful of anybody—
FRANKIE
So what are you going to do? Is there going to be a Heidi and Spencer fund?
HOLLY
I hope so. I hope so. I will kick his little f-ing punk bitch ass across town so he can shut up for once and for
all.
SPENCER
(Both talking to KRISTIN)
I don’t let her go on TV, no computers. They only thing that Heidi does is read and write poetry and
pray—
HEIDI
And read books.
SPENCER
And pet puppies and read books. So she is logged out of the matrix.
HOLLY
(To STEPHANIE)
I’m about to loose it. I can’t stand it. She was so rude Heidi. I’ve never seen her like that. “Why do I keep
sticking up for you when you just walk all over me and treat me like shit?”
STEPHANIE
I’m not going to try anymore.
HOLLY
Oh I’m not either. I’m…they have isolated themselves from everybody.
SOMEONE
“I cry. I cry.”
(BRODY and KRISTIN are romantically embracing)
BRODY
Lets get out of here. Lets go.
END SCENE
SOMEBODY
“Mother nature is no match for Tampax pearl compact. With a 40% smaller applicator, it’s full size
protection…
26
SOMEONE
…only cuter. “
ACT II
SCENE IX
The following morning at KRISTIN’s house.
SOMEONE
“You make me dance like a fool forget how to breathe
Shine like gold, buzz like a bee.
Just the thought of you can drive me wild.
Oh you make me smile.”
KRISTIN
Do you want some coffee?
BRODY
(Off stage.)
Yes please.
KRISTIN
Want cream in it?
BRODY
No.
KRISTIN
No?
(BRODY enters wearing a girl’s shirt exposing his midrift.)
BRODY
I’ll take it black. I need a phone charger though.
KRISTIN
I like your shirt. It looks good on you.
BRODY
You need to stop doing Justin Bobby’s laundry because you are definitely shrinking some shirts here,
because…
KRISTIN
That’s my shirt! It’s supposed to be that small.
BRODY
So we made out, I guess, I don’t remember that, but we made out.
KRISTIN
I’m glad you don’t remember that…
BRODY
I remember when we got back here…I remember everything about that, but…
KRISTIN
I don’t.
BRODY
I ah…
KRISTIN
That’s the part that I’ve blocked out.
BRODY
I sure remember that.
(Pause)
KRISTIN
I think what we have going is good.
BRODY
What? Me and you?
KRISTIN
Yeah this little thing. Whatever this little thing is.
BRODY
I’m going to be honest though…
KRISTIN
What?
BRODY
I’m really enjoying being single.
KRISTIN
27
Yeah, so am I.
(Pause)
God, Heidi and Spencer last night. He’s very possessive of her.
BRODY
Yeah but she’s…I mean-KRISTIN
She let’s it happen but-BRODY
They are in their own world.
KRISTIN
Yeah they are. They most definitely are.
BRODY
I mean it’s the Pratt family.
KRISTIN
Yeah.
BRODY
They’re all out of their minds.
(Pause)
BRODY
Should we go back to bed?
KRISTIN
Yeah. Leave the crop top on though. Carry me.
BRODY
I’m keeping the crop top.
END SCENE
ACT II
SCENE X
STEPHANIE and LO are walking.
SOMEBODY
“Yeah, we gotta start
Looking at the hands of the time we've been given
If this is all we got and then we gotta start thinking
If every second counts on a clock that's ticking
SOMEONE
Gotta live like we're dying.”
STEPHANIE
Yeah, well I’m glad they got to witness, like, what Heidi and Spencer were doing last night at Voyeur.
LO
Oh yeah sitting in the corner by themselves talking to strangers about crystals and aliens.
STEPHANIE
Yup.
LO
Audrina is already over at Kristin’s.
STEPHANIE
OK.
LO
I mean we’re like five minutes away right?
STEPHANIE
Yup.
LO
OK.
STEPHANIE
I don’t know. I just, like, keep flip flopping from being angry to just being so sad.
LO
I think that at this point you have to let go.
STEPHANIE
I don’t know. I know Holly wants to, like, go to their house and, like, kidnap Heidi
28
LO
Yeah.
STEPHANIE
Because, like, she thinks Spencer is, like, the one doing all of this.
LO
Yeah, well-STEPHANIE
I mean, I just really want to be, like, Holly it’s your sister to.
LO
Yeah that’s why we are going to Kristin’s to help you guys figure it out.
END SCENE
ACT II
SCENE XI
AUDRINA, LO, STEPHANIE, and HOLLY at KRISTIN’S house.
SOMEBODY
“Then lonely lay the day
I can't remember you at all
And it's not easy to say that day
Has already come and gone.”
KRISTIN
Oh my god. So I think we all kinda wanna talk about the same thing right? Heidi and Spencer.
AUDRINA
Uh huh.
KRISTIN
Well Audrina and I sat down with Heidi recently and she seemed really crazy
HOLLY
I’m sorry I just think she’s brainwashed.
KRISTIN
Heidi is so like, there’s nothing going on up there.
AUDRINA
There’s nothing there. Like there is no emotion.
LO
I just don’t know where, like, they took a left turn into like legitimate…
AUDRINA and KRISTIN
Crazy town.
HOLLY
My mom can’t even hear about her anymore. She feels like she’s talking about a child that she’s lost; that’s
died.
KRISTIN
Sometimes I almost feel like, though, Heidi might feel, like, trapped, like, when I had the barbeque and we
saw how crazy Spencer got…
AUDRINA
And she didn’t say anything.
KRISTIN
Yeah she didn’t say anything and she just sat there. I’m almost feel like, she’s afraid that Spencer is just
going to lose it and go crazy on her. When I saw them at my house yelling at you and you’re his sister?
Like, it’s scary Stephanie. Like, he could snap any minute and if I was, like, married to him I would be
scared.
STEPHANIE
I know that my brother is really mean at times, but I think that Heidi is manipulative and I think that she
loves that role.
HOLLY
I’m not saying she’s the victim because she has put herself in this situation.
LO
I think how Heidi deals with her guilt, because she is guilty on all counts, is that she hides behind Spencer
and she plays the role of a victim. Stephanie, I completely agree with you.
29
HOLLY
But, both of them, their actions at this point, to me, are unforgiveable. I can’t continue living even hearing
about that the stuff that she is doing. It’s just sad.
KRISTIN
Neither one of them have anyone left. No friends. No family. They pushed every single person out of their
lives.
HOLLY
To me you have to think about it as what you do with an addict, you know, you just, you have to just stop
being there for them.
KRISTIN
We’ve done everything that we can.
AUDRINA
There’s nothing else. I mean it’s not like we can go to their house and make them be better people or like
change. They are who they are.
STEPHANIE
I think I want to cut them out of my life.
(Pause)
KRISTIN
I mean, like, I feel like I have tried everything I can and I’m done.
STEPHANIE
So we’ll just stop talking about them all of us?
(Everyone concurs)
KRISTIN
Yeah.
AUDRINA
We won’t talk about them anymore.
LO
Their names will not cross my lips
STEPHANIE
Holly?
HOLLY
You know it’s my sister, she’s like the only person in my life that’s always been there cause I was there the
day she was born and we’ve been together ever since. I just don’t even know. I just feel like she’s gone
forever. I don’t want my family to have to be this way anymore and I don’t want your family to have to go
through this either.
SOMEBODY
“Cause I have lost all that I can
From my side
When you think of me again
Know I tried, I tried
This is goodbye.”
END SCENE
30
ACT III
31
ACT III
SCENE I
H. and S. get up from their seats in the audience and enter the stage.
S.
I can’t sit anymore.
H.
Me either. Come here.
(They begin to slow dance)
S.
So what did you think?
H.
I liked it. It was good overall.
S.
That’s not thinking.
H.
What?
S.
That’s just giving your opinion, baby. I didn’t ask if you liked it, I asked what you thought. What you did
you think?
H.
Think?
S.
Think.
H.
I think it had qualities of being good. Overall.
S.
You know I thought something very similar.
(Pause)
H.
If we had to say more what could we say?
S.
About what we just saw?
H.
Yes.
S.
Hmmmmm it’s hard to say.
H.
It definitely was entertaining.
S.
Entertaining is a good word. The time went by really fast. From beginning to end, it felt like only a couple
of minutes.
H.
But now it’s over.
S.
It’s over?
H.
It is done.
S.
But the show continues on for some time right?
H.
You know it does. Yes, I think it does. Goes on for at least a little bit longer, but then it ends.
S.
We’re not going to be on after this right?
H.
No.
S.
That sucks.
H.
Yeah, it blows.
(Long pause)
32
H.
Could you believe Kristin?
S.
I know.
(Long pause)
S.
Could you believe Brody?
H.
Totally unbelievable.
(Pause)
S.
What would you call what they had?
H.
Sex?
S.
No beside that. That other thing?
H.
I have no idea.
(Pause)
What song are you dancing to?
S.
What song are you dancing to?
H.
You first.
S.
(Sung to the tune of BOYZ 2 MEN’S I’ll Make Love to You)
“Just relax.
Take it slow.
We don’t got no place to go.
All the lights are turned down low.
Girl are you ready?”
What about you?
H.
(Sung)
“Close your eyes.
Make a wish.
Turn out the candle light.
Because tonight will be our night.
We’re gonna celebrate.”
H. and S.
(Singing together)
“I’ll belong to you
Like you want me too
And we’ll burn so bright
Baby all through the night
I’ll belong to you.
Like you want me too
And I will not let go till you tell me to.”
(Long pause)
H.
You know, even after watching the whole thing it’s still hard for me to accept that everyone really acts like
that.
S.
It’s definitely hard to see it in person.
H.
I mean I’ve formed real relationships with these people, Kristin, Lo. I thought these girls were, like, my
friends. And then you see this and I’m like, I’m totally shocked.
33
S.
I mean come on sweet heart. I think the cats out of the bag. I don’t think we have to be shy anymore.
Everyone knows that it’s not real. I mean, it’s not hard to see, we’re all just actors.
H.
And actresses.
S.
Whatever. Kristin, Brody, Audrina, Stephanie, Holly, you, me, we’re all just characters in a playH.
Called life?
S.
Sure.
H.
That’s the stupidest thing I have ever heard. I’m me. You are you. What else could we be?
S.
There are lots of possible of things we can be. In fact, there are a lot more things for us to be other than
ourselves.
H.
Fine. Lets try something. You pretend to be someone you are not and I’ll pretend to be someone I am not.
S.
This is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard of.
H.
Just do it.
S.
Fine. Who should I be?
H.
I told you. Someone you are not.
S.
OK.
(Pause)
H.
Be the Spencer from the hills.
S.
ButH.
And I’ll be Heidi from the hills.
S.
Baby.
H.
Come on.
(Long pause)
S.
So what are we doing here?
H.
Oh my god. Let’s try this. Remember…
(H. and S. sit down and re-enact the earlier scene)
H.
I can’t believe I haven’t seen anyone yet, the girls, Kristin, Audrina, anyone. I’m so excited to go to
Kristin’s barbeque tonight and show them my 3.0 body.
S.
(After some hesitation)
10.0. Perfect ten.
H.
It’s like they get to meet a whole new girl.
S.
I’m kinda excited. I just feel like I’m not used to being around civilians.
H.
Me either.
S.
Realistically, I truly don’t know how I’m going to be aroH.
34
Stop. Wait. Who are you?
S.
I’m me being Spencer from the hills.
H.
(She jabs at his shoulder to prove his existence.)
But you’re still you.
S.
No. I’m me being someone else. I’m a someone being a someone.
H.
Exactly! You are a someone being someone.
S.
No, a someone being someone. Wait. Stop. Who are you again?
H.
I’m someone being a someone who’s being someone who’s being someone who’s. Wait. Stop. Who are
you again?
S.
Wait. What?
H.
I can’t believe I haven’t seen anyone yet, the girls, Kristin, Audrina, anyone. I’m so excited to go to
Kristin’s barbeque tonight and show them my 3.0 body.
S.
10.0. Perfect ten.
H.
It’s like they get to meet a whole new girl.
S.
It’s like they get to meet a whole new girl. I can’t believe I haven’t seen anyone yet, the girls, Kristin,
Audrina, anyone. I’m so excited to go to Kristin’s barbeque tonight and show them my 3.0 body.
H.
10.0. Perfect ten.
S.
It’s like they get to meet a whole new girl.
H.
I’m kinda excited I just feel like I’m not used to being around civilians
S.
Me either.
H.
Me either.
(Repeated back and forth for some time)
S.
Me fire.
H.
Me fire.
(Repeated back and forth for some time)
S.
My fire.
H.
My fire.
(Repeated back and forth for some time)
S.
You.
H.
You.
(Repeated back and forth for some time)
S.
Are.
H.
Are.
(Repeated back and forth for some time)
S.
My.
35
H.
My.
(Repeated back and forth for some time)
S.
Fire.
H.
Fire.
(Repeated back and forth for some time)
S.
You are my fire.
H.
You are my fire.
END SCENE
36