Scott A. Wood
5-24-2015
SERIES: HOW TO FIX YOUR SPOUSE
PART 3A: INTIMACY IS A FOUR LETTER WORD
John is a former air force pilot. He has always known what he
has wanted, and he maps out a plan to achieve his goals and
then he accomplishes them. Today was not different. On his
drive home he is feeling really good about his “love pilot”
plan that he has created for he and his wife Donna. He
rehearsed his plan in his mind. I’ll pull into the garage, walk in
the house, and loosen my tie. I’ll drop the briefcase, unwind a
bit, have sex with Donna, change into my workout clothes,
shoot some hoops, grab the remote, catch some news, and then
close my eyes for a few minutes before dinner. When John got
home, he walked into the back door, Donna looked up, and
their eyes met. He pierced her eyes with “the look”. All day
long Donna had been chasing to keep up with her two
preschool boys. Her conversations had centered on a fictional
purple creature named Barney and she had dealt with several
catastrophes in the home: the belt on the washer had broken,
the boys had spilled grape juice on the beige carpet, the cat
had scratched one of the boys, and John’s mother had called to
say she was coming to visit for a week. That “look” in John’s
eyes was the proverbial straw that broke the camel’s back. It
put Donna way over the edge! John was no longer the
companion and confidant she had looked forward to all day.
He was now……the enemy! His look--that twinkle in his
eyes--sent any number of possible messages to her: “Let me
have every bit of the energy you have left.” “Let me take
everything you have--and leave you with nothing.” Let me be
like everyone else and stand in line and take, take, take.”
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Donna threw her hands in the air and knelled, “No, not now!”
Then she stormed out of the kitchen and went to her bedroom
to be alone for the first time all day. She locked the door
behind her. She normally was a very strong and resilient
person, but today her fuel tank registered way below empty.
There goes the ultimate plan of the LOVE PILOT, John
thought to himself, but instead of overreacting and accusing
her of being way too emotional, he knocked on the bedroom
door and asked her if he could come in. Donna waited for
about a minute and then she got up, opened the door and went
back to a couch in her bedroom and sat back down. He walked
over to her and sat down beside her. He gently reached over
and took her hand and said, “I had no idea that you had such a
terrible day. I am so sorry. I am here for you.” “I am so tired
of cheerios and applesauce,” she said. “I miss talking to adults
and having a conversation that isn’t interrupted by arguments
and coloring books. The house is torn upside down. I go from
room to room picking up, but I am barely out of sight when
they pull out more stuff. I never feel on top of it.” What Donna
needed at that moment was exactly what John gave her. He
was a safe person for her to unload some of the stress that had
been building up all day. John knew his wife so well that he
recognized that at the moment she needed a safe connection
with him, so he sat and listened to her. After listening to her
for about 30 minutes, he kissed her on the forehead and said
“Why don’t you take some time and just relax.” He went into
the kitchen, rolled up his shirtsleeves, unloaded the
dishwasher of clean dishes then reloaded it with the dirty
dishes sitting on the counter. By that time Donna had come
down from the bedroom and was sitting at the kitchen table.
He peeked out from the kitchen and said, “Donna, I know you
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have had a full day--why don’t you do whatever you want to
do, and I will take the kids outside and shoot some hoops with
them.” John’s sensitivity and willingness to step up and share
the household chores not only validated Donna’s need but
lessened her load. She was able to get some time for herself
and refill her empty tank. After dinner John was still being
sensitive and tender, making sure she was doing better. “How
are you feeling sweetheart? Can I get you anything?” He
asked at one point. He took her hand and said, “I know how
hard you work for our family and I want you to know how
much I appreciate all you do for the boys and for me. You are
the best mother and wife I know and could ever hope for. I
love watching how you are with them. They’re thriving with
your loving touch and Godly influence.” Donna hugged John
and said, “Thanks Honey.” At about 10:00 P.M. John turned
off the news, got out of his recliner, locked the door, turned
off the lights, and plowed up the stairs to crash before another
day of work. But as he opened the door to their bedroom, he
saw the glow of soft candlelight and Donna smiling at him
from beneath the sheets. “The night is young, John,” she said.
Guess what, John wasn’t tired anymore. Hey guys, while men
listed sexual intimacy as their number two love need in
marriage, women indicated that emotional intimacy was their
second most important love need. The wise man will take
heed.
Song of Songs Chapter 4:16 says, “Awake, north wind! Rise
up, south wind! Blow on my garden and spread its
fragrance all around. Come into your garden, my love;
taste its finest fruits.”
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“15Drink water from your own well--share your love only
with your wife. 16 Why spill the water of your springs in
the streets, having sex with just anyone? 17 You should
reserve it for yourselves. Never share it with strangers. 18
Let your wife be a fountain of blessing for you. Rejoice in
the wife of your youth. 19 She is a loving deer, a graceful
doe. Let her breasts satisfy you always. May you always be
captivated by her love. 20 Why be captivated, my son, by
an immoral woman, or fondle the breasts of a promiscuous
woman?” Proverbs 5:15-20
How to be invited into the garden of your wife and taste
her finest fruits.
Men spell intimacy s-e-x, and women spell intimacy t-a-l-k.
I. Men and women are wired differently.
“Each man must love his wife as he loves himself.”
Ephesians 5:33
Intimacy comes from a Latin word meaning “innermost.”
Men please listen to me, what this translates into for us in the
marriage relationship is a vulnerable sharing of our inner
thoughts, feelings, spirit, and true self. Both men and women
need to feel secure in this sharing and confident of their
spouse’s support. Men, this support is achieved through
listening, empathy, prayer, and reassurance. These important
elements of your relationship must be in place before a woman
will share herself physically in sexual closeness. Why?
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A. A woman thinks about emotional connection and
communication.
1) A woman’s sex drive is connected to her heart
(emotions). In other words, a woman is aroused only after she
feels emotional closeness and harmony with you. If you want
to be invited into her garden more, than you will want to pay
attention to how your woman is wired. You must pay attention
to her emotional well-being.
2) A woman sees everything connected to everything else.
She doesn’t compartmentalize like we do men. She is thinking
and feeling about everything SERFVIP all the time.
3) A woman feels like a machine if sexual intimacy isn’t
flowing from emotional intimacy. When your woman feels
close to you because you pay attention to her and your
sensitive to her moods, feelings, and rhythms of her life, it will
be her natural instinct to be close to you sexually. This is what
John did with Donna, and she allowed him into her garden
when most of us thought that won’t happen anytime soon. But
John truly loves his wife and knows how to put her first.
B. A man thinks about intimacy as a passionate physical
experience.
1) A man’s sex drive is connected to his eyes. Do you see
one of the big differences between men and women? A
woman’s sex drive is connected to her heart. A man’s sex
drive is connected to his eyes. I can look at Kathe and have
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amorous feelings. Not Kathe. I must be connecting with her on
a regular basis if she is going to invite me into her garden.
2) A man compartmentalizes sex from everything else in
his life. This is a critical difference between men and women.
Guys this is important. I can often times reflect back on a time
where Kathe and I connected. I will think about that for days.
Not Kathe. If she does think about our connection it is with all
of her other connections. Our kids, exercise, her friends, her
responsibilities as a pastor and so on. There is nothing wrong
with her or me. We’re just wired. When you respect the
differences of you’re wife you will connect to her more and
more often.
3) A man feels less masculine if his wife resists his sexual
advances. You will be resisted less if you make sure that
you’re establishing emotional closeness all throughout the
day. To connect with your wife in her garden really takes
paying attention 24/7.
II. What happens when your wife’s intimacy needs are not
met:
A. She will withdraw.
One indication that your wife may be starved for emotional
intimacy is that she may withdraw. Chances are when your
wife is turning away from you, you have most likely hurt her
with something you did or didn’t do, or she isn’t having
enough talk time with you, because remember all of her boxes
are open and she is processing thousands of thoughts and
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feelings and she needs you to listen, understand and be there
for her. How do you fix your spouse when she is withdrawing
from you? You take a good look at the guy in the mirror and
ask yourself the hard question: What have I said or done to
contribute to the wall my wife has built? Much of the time a
woman will withdraw to protect herself if she is threatened by
something you are doing or if she is feeling verbally attacked.
When your words are positive, they strengthen the very
foundation of your marriage. But if your words are critical,
harsh, and destructive, your wife will retreat to protect herself.
If you are using retaliation to hurt her, if you are belittling her,
you are throwing bricks at her and bruising her heart; she may
then take those bricks and continue to build the wall. When
your wife’s emotional needs are not met she will withdraw.
B. She will not feel free to respond to you sexually.
Not responding to you sexually is another clue that her
emotional needs are not being met. Often times a husband will
feel rejected by his wife when she is not willing to sexually
connect with him, but it may be an indication that she may not
feel safe or that she can’t get beyond a conflict the two of you
are having. If you want a real love connection in the bedroom,
dear sir, you must be willing to make a consistent emotional
connection with her outside of the bedroom.
C. She will look elsewhere to get her needs met.
Often times our minds will go to immediately to--we’re
thinking an affair. But for many women they will simply turn
their garden attention to their kids, their health, their own
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pleasure and leisure, their work or their ministry. A woman
can turn her attention to food, alcohol, drugs or exercise. Men,
if your wife is not paying you the attention you want sexually
all you have to do is look to how you have been paying
attention to her emotionally life. Remember her emotions are
connected to everything in this world. A wise man, a good
lover is committed to studying his wife and knowing what
motivates, energizes and encourages her and then spends his
life meeting those needs. He is the man that gets a lot of
garden time.
III. How you can meet your wife’s need for emotional
intimacy:
A. Listen to her.
If your wife or girlfriend is like Kathe, she is incredibly busy.
Kathe is busy here at the church. She spends time with her
friends. She reaches out to our neighbors. She is deeply
connected to our children. She is focusing on her relationship
with our future daughter-in-law. She stays up on the critical
health issues for our age, and she is working hard with
Whitney to help her get better. The point is she can reach
points of overload. What she needs most from me and from
you, sir, is to listen. The focus must be on listening and get
connected to her feelings and not try to fix her. What is she
telling you? Are you hearing the same comments over and
over again? Do you always argue about the same things?
Wake up, dear brother--these are unresolved issues. They are
most likely eating at your wife. She might not know it. You
would be wise to write down a few of the unresolved issues
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you have with your wife. Then ask her if she is aware of any.
Then take the time to truly listen to her and make the
adjustments you need to so she can feel connected to you. As
you do you will notice your garden time going up. That is a
win-win for both of you.
B. Demonstrate compassionate understanding of who she
is.
Are you judgmental with your wife? Do you, either by your
words or your attitude, sometimes make her feel ashamed or
silly about the way she feels? Do you tell her she worries too
much? When she dreams big, do you offer reasons why it
won’t work, or do you get defensive? Is she worried about
how busy your family schedule is the next few months, and
have you responded with “Don’t worry about anything. It
always works out.” How about trying, “Honey, we really do
have a lot going on. Let’s take a look at our calendar and talk
through some of our plans.” If you do this you will give her a
tremendous sense of relief. When a woman sees her husband
willing to open up and share with her--and beyond this, to
show understanding and the desire to help lift her burdens--she
will in turn honor him and his needs.
C. Shower her with attention and affection.
1 Peter 3:7 says, “Husbands, you must give honor to your
wives. Treat your wife with understanding as you live
together.” Has your wife ever said, “You are not paying
enough attention to our marriage”? If she has, she is really
saying, “I feel emotionally distant from you and you’re not
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paying enough attention to me!” How did you win her in the
first place? You gave her your undivided attention. You
listened to her. You were thoughtful about the small things. A
loving husband cares for and nurtures the real woman inside
his wife. Be specific. Point out positive changes she has made
in her life. Stop and take a good look at what she’s doing in
her world. But do more than notice; say it out loud. Your wife
also needs your closeness, your nonsexual touch that
communicates genuine caring and reminds her that she is
loved for more than just her body. Your gentle touch
communicates to her; “I’m here. You’re not alone. I enjoy
you. I’ll take care of you.” Give her a kiss and a hug when you
leave and return home. Take her to an event she really likes.
Make an effort to spend time alone together: go out to dinner,
go for a walk, go out for coffee or tea. Show her and others
that you enjoy the intimacy of being alone with her.
D. Create rapport (mutual trust and emotional affinity)
with her.
When we men talk to each other we report in with each other.
We can talk about scores, highlights, events of the weekend,
new car performance--the list is endless. Women however are
wired for rapport talk. Details are important to your wife.
They don’t want the abridged version; they want the whole
nine yards. As we talk to them, they discover who we are and
why we think the way we do. Women process as they talk.
Remember all of their boxes are open so they are processing a
lot. Women resolve issues as they talk. Somehow a woman’s
hearing, speech and thoughts are all interrelated and they need
to have all three working at once to express themselves fully.
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So if you want to connect emotionally with your wife, you
must build rapport (mutual trust and emotional affinity. Your
wife wants to know what you are thinking. She wants to
process things with you. Pay close attention to your wife when
she reaches out to you, but don’t always try to offer answers.
Much of the time she simply wants you to join her as she
processes her thoughts. She needs an audience that loves her.
Here are a few guidelines as you develop rapport with your
wife. Don’t see every complaint as an attack. Women think
that as long as they feel the marriage is working, they can talk
about it. Men often feel the relationship isn’t working if they
have to talk about it. When your wife brings up a grievance,
try to see it as an act of love. Resist the urge to solve it-whatever it is. Your wife needs you to acknowledge her
feelings; she needs to know that what she is saying is
registering with you. Even if you don’t agree with her, your
acknowledgement of her emotions lets her know that you
aren’t dismissing them by overlooking them and rushing to
suggest a solution. Recognize her strong emotions as
exclamation marks. When she is upset, angry, or frustrated,
realize that these emotions are her way of letting you know
how very much this matters to her. Reserve your judgment.
Listen to her and empathize. Allow her to feel heard and
understood. Have a respectful attitude. Don’t presume to know
her thoughts and understand her feelings. Be there
emotionally. If she is struggling, the last thing she needs to be
told is why she shouldn’t be struggling. What she needs is for
you to be there with her.
Close in prayer.
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