War School – an analogy-play by Nick Portwood
Scene 1:
Narrator: The armies of the enemy slaughtered many. Europe and western Asia was plunged into battle many times. But the final
war would not be fought over land or sea; it would be fought here, in the present, tonight!
Curtain opens, 2 people talking
Leo: We are agreed, Johnny English, that should I ever be attacked, you will help me.
Johnny: Of course Leo, that’s what friends are for.
They shake hands
Narrator: About a month later, this scenario occurred.
Set changes, 5 people talking
Kaiser: As you know, we have been friends for a long time. Kaiser Berlin, Ozzy Hungary and Russiadavorich. But I think that
Romana Italia is better than you. So I’m replacing you.
Russia: How dare you replace me? You’re only doing it because she’s your girlfriend.
Romana: And a very pretty one she is too.
Russia: I’ll make new friends, better friends, friends who won’t dessert me. Then you’ll be sorry.
Russia exits
Kaiser: How is operation SCHLIEFFEN coming along Adolph?
Adolph: In 13 days, I will have worked out a foolproof plan to take over Francoise Paris and Russiadavorich should they assault us.
Ozzy: Kaiser?
Kaiser: Yes Ozzy.
Ozzy: May I get Bob Sneer to join us.
Kaiser: Do what you like; I’ll help you at all cost.
Ozzy: Thank you.
Ozzy runs off
Scene 2
Narrator: Then came a section of calm, followed by the attack of the Boer gang and the first day of school.
Limping boy, Kaiser and girl
Johnny: Thank you Kaiser, you were really supportive, you could have at least helped.
Kaiser: Would you do it if I asked you?
Johnny: Yes, I’m not afraid to stand up for my friends.
Kaiser: Tough!
Walks off, Girl comes up to Johnny
Francoise: Are you Johnny English?
Johnny: Yes. You must be Francoise Paris.
Francoise: Yes. A few weeks ago, Kaiser bullied me and I’ve been terrified of him ever since. You on the other hand, aren’t. I’d
like us to be friends.
Johnny: Certainly, I’ll protect you.
They walk off holding hands
Scene 3
Narrator: Four days later, Francoise found another who looked like a good friend, Moe Rocco.
Francois and Johnny along with Moe Rocco
Francois: I’ll go over and ask him.
She walks over and Kaiser Jumps out
Keiser: What are you doing?
Francois: Making friends with Moe.
Kaiser: (Thumbs down) Eh-ehh, I have a contract he signed making me his friend.
Francois: Moe, you didn’t sign it did you.
Moe: Sorry, I did.
She walks off in a huff
Moe: Result!
They do a secret high five and walk off leaving Johnny alone
Johnny: Francois, wait up!
Runs after Francois
Scene 4
Narrator: Little did Francois and Johnny know, that three days later, they would have a much better friend? A stronger and clever
one.
Cafeteria, Johnny, Francois, Kaiser and Moe arguing at a table, Russia walks in
Russia: Hey! (Everyone stops) What is the problem?
Francois: Kaiser stole Moe away from me.
Russia: Kaiser, you already have Romana and Ozzy on your side, not to mention Adolph. Give her the contract.
Kaiser: Fine, I don’t even like him!
Hands over contract and walks off, followed by Moe
Francois: Thank you.
Russia: Don’t mention it, I hate Kaiser, ever since he threw me out of his group.
Francois: Wow! I hate him too.
Johnny: What’s your name?
Russia: Russiadavorich Carotropsky, but my friends call me Russia.
Johnny: Russia, would you like to join our group?
Russia: The courageous Johnny English and the beautiful Francois Paris, how can I refuse?
Johnny and Russia shake hands
Narrator: But soon their friendship would face a test, a test unlike any other.
Scene 5
Narrator: The following day, Ozzy Hungary decided to put into practice his idea …….
Kaiser walks in and interrupts
Kaiser: I’d just like to say that Johnny is insane. All I want to do is unite all students in one group and he prevents it. Don’t listen to
him. Goodbye.
Kaiser walks off
Narrator: ……his idea about making friends with Bob sneer. Unfortunately, two girls were borrowing him. Nissa Turkey and
Sabrina Serb.
Two girls arguing with boy in centre
Nissa: I met him first.
Sabrina: Yes, but I live next to him.
Nissa: Well, I live on the other side of the road to him.
Sabrina: That’s a lie.
Bob: May I say something?
Both girls: NO!!!
They turn their back on each other and walk off in opposite directions
Bob: Girls! What are you gonna do?
Ozzy walks on
Ozzy: You could always join me. We would protect you from both of them.
Bob: But that would be dishonest.
Ozzy: Think about it.
Ozzy walks off followed by Bob in the other direction
Scene 6
Narrator: Then came three days of unrest. The twelfth day of school arrived and the problems got even worse.
Francois and Moe arguing
Moe: It’s not working.
Francois: You can’t back out, we have a contract.
Moe: Kaiser was trustworthy. I don’t care what you say, you are a complete control-freak.
Francois: I am not!
Moe: Are too!
Francois: Am not!
Moe: Are too!
Francois: God you’re doing my head in! I need a lie down.
Moe: Oh! That’s your solution to everything, to have a lie down. (Imitates) Sir, the Krakatoa is exploding! Oh dear, well I’ll just
have a lie down then (Imitates snoring). Sir, ve av just lost ze battle of vaterloo! Oh I see, vell zen, I’ll just av le fifty vinks
(Imitates snoring)!
Francois pins Moe against the wall and then Kaiser runs up to them
Kaiser: Stop this!
Pushes them apart and Francois punches Kaiser to the ground, Francois and Moe fight, Kaiser joins in, Fight ends with Kaiser and
Moe running off and Francois panting
Francois: Get lost!
Walks off
Scene 7
Narrator: Meanwhile, the two girls were still fighting over Bob. Little did they know, that Bob had chosen for himself? It was the
worst decision that he could possibly have made.
Two girls fighting
Nissa: He’s my boyfriend!
Sabrina: My boyfriend!
Bob and Ozzy walk on
Bob: Actually, you’re both wrong. I am Ozzy’s friend now.
Ozzy: Yoink!
Bob and Ozzy walk away and Nissa leaves in a huff
Sabrina: I’ll get my other boyfriend, Russia. You’ll be sorry.
Narrator: Yes, it’s true. Russia and Sabrina were close friends.
Ozzy: (Sarcastically) Russia! Oh I’m so scared! (Properly) He can’t hurt me. I have Kaiser and his girlfriend on my side.
Bob and Ozzy walk off laughing
Sabrina: You just wait!
She stamps off
Scene 8
Narrator: The two girls watched their boyfriends for 2 days with envious eyes, and then it happened. The fifteenth day of school,
the worst day of school ever. It all began with the assault on Ozzy’s friend, Fernando Ferdinand.
Boy and masked boy in shadows, Shadowed boy hits boy with a water balloon and runs of while boy screams
Fernando: I’ll never show my face in school again.
Runs off
Narrator: Soon every one knew and they were distraught. They called in the most intelligent boy in the class to investigate, Sean
Spahovic.
Lots of people and Ozzy stand around a boy in Sherlock Holmes outfit
Ozzy: I want to know who did this to my friend.
Sean: (goes mmm) I’ll require 30 minutes to study the scene of the crime.
Everyone leaves and Sean bends over
Scene 9
Narrator: It didn’t take long for Sean to detect the assailant.
Same as last scene
Ozzy: Well, who did it?
Sean: I found a piece of mint-cola gum. Only one person in the school is known to chew this particular type of gum. The assailant is
(pause)(points to someone) Gavin Princip!
All gasp
Sean: leader of the Black Hand gang.
Ozzy: Is this true?
Gavin: Yes! But only because (points to someone) Sabrina Serb told me to!
All gasp
Sabrina: Only because (points at Ozzy) ‘he’ stole my friend!
All gasp
Ozzy: That’s it! This is war!
All gasp
Ozzy: enough (gasps)-ing!
One person gasps
Pause
Person: sorry.
Ozzy: Let’s see how strong your friend Russia really is.
Sneer at each other
Scene 10
Narrator: Russia didn’t hesitate to help Sabrina. Unfortunately, Ozzy, Romana and Kaiser were too strong. His martial arts skills
were only affective against 2 or less people. This was a pickle.
Russia and Sabrina talking
Russia: I see. Very interesting. I will help you!
Sabrina: Thank you. Who are you going to get to help us?
Russia: Nobody! I’m doing this because I’m your best friend; I’m not dragging other people into it!
Sabrina: But you’ll be pulverised!
Russia: (Interrupts) I know, I know!
Sabrina: There must be someone who you can count on.
Russia: (Thinks) I’ve got it! I’ll call Moscowadoverich.
Sabrina: Who!
Russia: My 18-year-old brother. You can call him Moscow. He said that if I was having trouble with enemies, all I had to do is call
him. He lives 10 minutes away, I’ll invite him over and he’ll scare them away.
Sabrina: Brilliant!
Russia: I’ll call it ‘plan 17’.
Sabrina: 17!
Russia: Yes, I’ve made 17 different plans for this moment.1-5 turned out to be illegal, 6-9 didn’t work, 11-13 took too long and 1416 had catches.
Sabrina: What about ‘plan 10’?
Russia: Let’s not talk about it.
Kaiser walks on and Russia walks up to him
Russia: Let’s see how you like my 18-year-old brother.
Kaiser runs away in horror and Sabrina looks smug
Scene 11
Narrator: Now what Russia didn’t know, was that Kaiser had operation SCHLIEFFEN. It only took 9 days instead of 13. It didn’t
look effective but it was the only plan he had.
Kaiser and Adolph
Adolph: But we have to have Francois attack us as well.
Kaiser: Details, details, details. I never liked her anyway.
Adolph: But she hasn’t done anything!
Kaiser: She’s friends with Russia, that’s good enough for me. Suppose she decides to help him?
Adolph: Oh very well. We can pulverise Francois in a matter of minutes. We then send Ozzy behind Russia. We go on the other
side of him, close in on him and pummel him good.
Kaiser: Excellent! He won’t know what hit him.
Kaiser laughs menacingly
Scene 12
Narrator: Kaiser had it all figured out. He had the allies; he had the plan, only one person stood in the way of victory, Leo Poirot.
Remember the deal he had with Johnny?
Leo standing in the middle of the hall, Kaiser, Adolph and Romana walk on
Leo: Halt! Do you have a hall pass?
Kaiser: Do you?
Leo: I’m not authorized to answer that. As prefect I cannot let more than one person through at a time. However, if you were to
leave your two friends behind you could go through.
Kaiser: Never! There must be some way we could all go through.
Leo: Do you have a hall pass?
Kaiser: No!
Leo: You can’t pass.
Kaiser: Listen! I’ve got 6 minutes to get to Francois Paris, crush her and return to fight Moscow. So why don’t you do every one a
tremendous favour and shove off!
Kaiser, Adolph and Romana push Leo to one side and walk off, Leo pulls out a mobile phone and rings someone
Leo: Johnny, (pause) do you remember our agreement?
Scene 13
Narrator: It wasn’t long before they found Francois. And they advanced on her like ants advance on a slice of cheese.
Francois on the left of the stage, Kaiser and Romana on the right, Kaiser and Romana advance on Francois, Johnny runs on from
the left and grabs Francois hand
Johnny: This has gone far enough!
Kaiser: Pathetic!
They continue to advance; Russia runs on from the left and jumps between them
Russia: Come and get him Kaiser! Go on, make my day!
Kaiser: You have interfered in my plans for the last time. Time to call on my armies. (Calls people and they appear) Ozzy Hungary!
Nissa Turkey! Bob Sneer! Moe Rocco! Steve Outback! The Boer gang! Sean Spahovic!
Russia: In that case, I shall bring out my armies. (Calls people and they appear) Sabrina Serb! Japan Tokiyoku! Moscow! Gavin
Princip! The Black Hand gang! Who’s laughing now?
Kaiser: Me! I still have my good friend Adolph. He’s big, he’s mean, (looks forward) and is he playing football with Leo Poirot?
Leo and Adolph walk on from the left of the stage, Adolph is holding a football
Adolph: Er, no. Oh, this is your ball Leo.
Passes ball to Leo who throws it off the stage, They join their side
Johnny: We shall be victorious!
Kaiser: Attack!
Russia: Charge!
They all fight