THE GOBLIN TRIAL
PART 1 – THE OPENING STATEMENTS
CHRISTOPHER CRIER
(Holding up a scroll, shouting loudly) Here ye! Here ye! We will now hear “The Trial of the Goblins
who tried to steal Color from Faeriearea, but failed miserably because they are stinky and can’t
organize themselves properly…”
(Goblin’s heckle)
CHRISTOPHER CRIER
(Ignoring them) All rise for the Honorable Judge Alawishes Scruples
(Judge enters and heads for the bench, all rise)
JUDGE SCRUPLES
(To the Clerk) Stick to the script, Christopher
CHRISTOPHER CRIER
Yes your honor (sits down)
JUDGE SCRUPLES
(Settling into podium and pounds gavel) I call this trial to order.
(The goblin’s settle reluctantly)
JUDGE SCRUPLES
The court is assembled to hear the case of Fairies verses Goblins. The Fairy Plaintiff’s attorney,
Alabaster Twitch is representing their majesties, King Rubus, Queen Hyacinth and Princess
Periwinkle of the Fairies; and the Goblin Defense Attorney, Able Grouch, is representing The
Honorable King Surly, Queen Globula and Prince Belch of the Goblins. (Pause) Mr Twitch, could
you please read the court the Prosecution’s opening statement.
ALABASTER TWITCH
Your Honor. (Standing up) Fairies…. and Goblins…of the jury. We all know that Color has at last
returned to Faeriearea. The celebrations have been widespread. But at Sunset this evening the
celebration was to end. Goblin bands broke through our borders and made their way to the centre
of Faeriearea. Obviously overcome with jealousy and greed, the Goblins attempted to sabotage
the New Color Machine which has been working to bring color back to our world. Although the
Fairy Fuzz was able to seize the named convicts, my client Princess Periwinkle wishes the
Goblins to be subjected to a severe penalty…
PRINCESS PERIWINKLE
Oh, I didn’t mean it quite like that…
ALABASTER TWITCH
(Talking over her) Everyone knows that Goblins have no morals and don’t know right from wrong,
but the fact remains that what they did today is a Federal Fairy offence…
FAIRY JUROR
I say lock ‘em up and throw away the key!
(Loud murmurs of agreement from the Fairy jury)
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JUDGE SCRUPLES
(Banging gavel once again) Order! Order! If we cannot have a sensible trial here today, this case
will be dismissed. Is that all Mr Twitch?
ALABASTER TWITCH
It is, your Honor.
JUDGE SCRUPLES
Very well. We will now here from the Goblin prosecution. Mr Grouch, if you will.
ABLE GROUCH
Your Honor. The Fairy prosecution is wrong…
(Murmurs from Fairy jury)
The Goblin’s were not launching what the plaintiff’s attorney calls “a sabotage” on your so called
“Color Machine”. The Goblins came to Faeriearea today in order to take back color from the
Fairies, who stole it in the first place.
(Gasps from the Fairy jury, then excited uproar)
ALABASTER TWITCH
Objection!
JUDGE SCRUPLES
(Loudly) There will be order in this courtroom!
(Court settles)
Mr Grouch, kindly explain your allegations.
ABLE GROUCH
Your Honor, if I may call my first witness to the stand.
JUDGE SCRUPLES
If you believe it will explain your allegations Mr Grouch, you may. Who do you wish to call?
ABLE GROUCH
I would like to call my client, the Honorable Prince Belch of the Goblins to the stand.
ALABASTER TWITCH
Objection! Objection, your honor! This is highly unorthodox. It is against all known procedure for
the defense to call the first witness…
FAIRY JUROR
Yeah! Who do they think they are? They’re guilty, pure and simple.
ANOTHER FAIRY JUROR
They just burst in here, trying to ruin our festival! Those clumsy sniveling oafs!
GOBLIN JUROR
Hey, who you calling clumsy and sniveling, when everybody knows fairies is the thieves. They
steal your teeth right our from under your pillow when your sleeping. They’d probably steal your
children when you’re not looking too.
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QUEEN GLOBULA
Goodness! They steal children? It must be them who kidnapped the missing goblin princess
Phlegm aswell! Oh Surly, how could they filch Phlegm!?
(Uproar in the court. The Goblin King, Surly, consoles his distraught wife)
JUDGE SCRUPLES
Order! Order in the court! (Silence) We all know Goblins and Fairies don’t get along…
GOBLIN JUROR
…never have…
FAIRY JUROR
…and never will…
JUDGE SCRUPLES
(raising his voice) But we’ll put our differences aside in the name of justice. It is very true that the
prosecution calls the first witness. Mr. Twitch, who would you like to call?
ALABASTER TWITCH
Um… err… well… I… Prince Belch I suppose?
(Able Grouch looks at audience, raises his eyebrows, shrugs, sighs, shakes his head, mutters
something, and sits down)
(Prince Belch gets up. Queen Globula is now reluctant for him to leave her side. The Court
Recorder, Methuselah, stands to swear him in)
METHUSELAH
Raise your left foot and put your right finger on the tip of your nose. Do you swear to boogie on
down with the truth?
PRINCE BELCH
I do. (He takes the stand)
PART 2 – THE GOBLIN PRINCE’S TESTIMONY
ALABASTER TWITCH
Could you please tell the court your name?
PRINCE BELCH
Prince Belch of the Goblins
ALABASTER TWITCH
So tell me Master Belch, where were you at sunset this evening
PRINCE BELCH
I had come to Faeriearea with Mummy and Daddy…
QUEEN HYACINTH
(To Rubus) He’s actually kind of cute isn’t he?
KING RUBUS
My dear, we must remember, he is a Goblin!
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ALABASTER TWITCH
…And why had you come?
PRINCE BELCH
We came to take color from the fairies because…
ALABASTER TWITCH
Aha! I rest my case your honor! The Goblin’s came to steal color from us! Full stop!
PRINCE BELCH
But I didn’t mean it like that…
ALABASTER TWITCH
I have no more questions your honor. (He sits down triumphantly)
ABLE GROUCH
Your Honor, if I may cross examine the witness?
JUDGE SCRUPLES
You may.
ABLE GROUCH
Your highness. Please tell me where this whole business began.
PRINCE BELCH
Well, it all started when Mommy and Daddy got a letter from the Caretaker of Wonder. Mommy
said that the Caretaker lives high up on the mountaintop. He’s the one who polishes the stars and
puts the fruit back on the trees and folds up the night sky in the morning and…
FAIRY JUROR
We know who the Caretaker is boy….
(Mutters of agreement from the fairies)
ABLE GROUCH
Tell us more about the letter your highness.
KING SURLY
(Standing up) You can read it yourself if you like. (Produces a letter)
ABLE GROUCH
Your Honor (taking the letter) I would like to submit this letter as evidence to my case.
JUDGE SCRUPLES
Very well, Mr. Grouch.
(Grouch hands the letter up to Scruples. Scruples unfolds it)
JUDGE SCRUPLES
(Reading):
For the Attention of His Most Royal Highness Surly, King of all Goblin Land,
The final preparations are now being made for the return of color to the kingdom of Fairies and
Goblins.
It is now time for me to call upon your age old debt to me of years ago.
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On the first night of the Blue-Moon, your firstborn child must climb alone to the highest peak of
the Forbidden Rainbow Mountain, where I shall be waiting to greet them. I am soon to leave the
mountain on an important mission and so I need your child to carry out my duty of guarding, while
I am gone, the Sacred Seed that will bring color back to the world.
They must be prepared, and must not be late
Signed: The Caretaker of Color.
ALABASTER TWITCH
Your Honor, if I may. How can we truly believe that the Caretaker himself would ask the Goblins
for such a great favor? Surely he, of all people, knows how untrustworthy they are. I believe the
letter is a fake!
(Goblin’s mutter)
JUDGE SCRUPLES
Methuselah, if you would kindly validate the Caretaker’s signature
METHUSELAH
(Taking the letter) Let me see…. (Flicking through his books)….hmmmm… (Sniffs the
signature)Yes. Indeed, it is the sacred seal of the Caretaker of Wonder himself!
(Gasps from fairies. Twitch flops down into his seat, defeated)
ABLE GROUCH
Your highness, could you tell us about the debt mentioned in the letter.
PRINCE BELCH
Well, way back when my Mommy and Daddy were young, before my sister and I were even born,
the Caretaker of Wonder saved my mommy when she fell from a ledge on the mountain. Daddy
said that the Caretaker made an enormous rainbow for Mommy to slide down to safety. Daddy
was really really happy, and the caretaker said that one day he would ask Daddy’s firstborn, that’s
me, to repay the debt with a great favor.
ABLE GROUCH
So, you’re the firstborn?
PRINCE BELCH
I have a twin sister Phlegm who went missing right before we came here. And now mommy thinks
the fairies took her. (Puffs up) And if they did, they better give her back, or… or...
KING SURLY
…(standing up)Or you’ll be sorry! You better cough up Phlegm right now.
QUEEN GLOBULA
You tell ‘em big boy!
JUDGE SCRUPLES
Your Majesty, please be seated. Mr. Grouch if you would kindly continue.
ABLE GROUCH
Master Belch, could you tell the court what you found at the top of the mountain when you went to
repay the debt?
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PRINCE BELCH
Nothing. I mean no color, no sacred seed, no caretaker. All I found, apart from some fairy cakes
and a load of rocks, was a trail of fairy dust leading down the mountain into Faeriearea. The
fairies had stolen color!
ABLE GROUCH
So then what did you do?
PRINCE BELCH
I ran back home to Goblinopolis, to tell Mommy and Daddy. And then we came here to get color
back! The Caretaker will be ever so angry if we don’t repay the favor!
GOBLIN JUROR
And look what we found when we got here
ANOTHER GOBLIN JUROR
A great big color party! You must have stolen it!
Goblins shout: Thieves, scoundrel etc.
Fairies shout: Liars, Villains! Etc.
JUDGE SCRUPLES
Order! Order in the Courtroom.
ALABASTER TWITCH
Your honor, everyone knows that color has returned thanks to ‘Professor Flambuster’s Marvelous
Color Machine’. The defense’s claims of thievery on our part are totally unjustified – why would
we need to steal it?
ABLE GROUCH
Does it not seem strange to you Alabaster, that the moment Color is stolen from the Caretaker; it
suddenly appears in such abundance here in Faeriearea?
ALABASTER TWITCH
I uh… um… Well, uh… Preposterous!
ABLE GROUCH
Your Honor, the defense would like to hear from this so called Professor Flambuster.
(Twitch mutters and sits back down)
JUDGE SCRUPLES
If there are no objections. (Pause) Very well. Prince Belch, you may leave the stand.
(Prince Belch hurries back to the Goblin Queen)
Christopher Crier, please send for Pixel Flambuster.
CHRISTOPHER CRIER
Yes your honor!
PRINCESS PERIWINKLE
(Piping in) You might want to try the bakery. That’s where I saw him last.
(Bailiff leaves)
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ABLE GROUCH
Your honor. The defense would like to know how the Princess knows the whereabouts of this
professor…
FAIRY QUEEN
They’re engaged to be married dimwit.
(Fairies laugh)
ABLE GROUCH
(Ignoring the laughter) I see. Your honor, I would like to call Princess Periwinkle to the stand.
JUDGE SCRUPLES
Very well. Methuselah?
(Princess Periwinkle makes her way to the stand. Methuselah stands to swear her in.)
METHUSELAH
Raise your left foot and put your right finger on the tip of your nose. Do you swear to tell it how it
is, cowboy!
PRINCESS PERIWINKLE
I do. (She takes the stand)
PART 3 – THE FAIRY PRINCESS’ TESTIMONY
ABLE GROUCH
Could you please state your name for the court?
PRINCESS PERIWINKLE
Princess Periwinkle of the Fairies
ABLE GROUCH
Tell us about your fiancée, Miss Periwinkle
PRINCESS PERIWINKLE
(Pause) My…my what…..?
FAIRY KING
He means the Professor, darling. The one you’re about to marry?
PRINCESS PERIWINKLE
Oh him. Well, we’re about to get married!
FAIRY JUROR
Oh, isn’t she just adorable!
(Fairies twitter and Goblins roll their eyes)
ABLE GROUCH
(braces himself) Yes. Tell us about the Professor. The one you’re about to marry.
PRINCESS PERIWINKLE
There’s another Professor!
ABLE GROUCH
No. No. Just the man you’re going to marry.
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PRINCESS PERIWINKLE
Oh! The Professor. He’s wonderful. You know, he’s invented the most amazing Color Machine.
And he’s brought color back to Faeriearea just as a present for me.
ABLE GROUCH
What do you know about this Color Machine, Princess?
PRINCESS PERIWINKLE
Well, one night I was heading to the Professor’s house to give him some lullaby cakes, because I
know he has trouble sleeping…
KING SURLY
Ah, isn’t that sweet of her…?
QUEEN GLOBULA
Surly, darling, look who you’re talking about!
PRINCESS PERIWINKLE
…And then, as I got closer, I saw something amazing come shooting out of his chimney and out
of all the windows. It was sooo beautiful. I ran to the door and knocked on it, and when he
answered I asked him what it was, and he told me it was color, and I said where did it come from,
and I asked him if he made it, and if he’d made a color machine. And he said yes and, oh, he’s
soooo clever!
ABLE GROUCH
What did the color machine look like princess?
PRINCESS PERIWINKLE
Oh, I didn’t get to look at it. The Professor said it wasn’t safe to get too close, so I stayed outside.
ABLE GROUCH
So you never even saw the color machine that night?
PRINCESS PERIWINKLE
Oh no. I gave him the Fairy cakes and ran straight back home to tell Mother and Father. They
were so pleased and said that I ought to marry the professor. Oh I thought it was a wonderful
idea. And now we’re enraged to be married…
FAIRY QUEEN
Engaged Periwinkle dear…
PRINCESS PERIWINKLE
Huh?
ABLE GROUCH
And when did this situation with the Professor transpire?
PRINCESS PERIWINKLE
(Struggling with the word)Uh... Tran… trans…?
ABLE GROUCH
Transpire.
PRINCESS PERIWINKLE
Oh no! The professor always dresses like a man!
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ABLE GROUCH
(Sigh) Happen. When did all this happen, your highness?
PRINCESS PERIWINKLE
Oh! It was the first night of the Blue-Moon.
ABLE GROUCH
Hmmm? The very night that color disappeared from the mountain!
PRINCESS PERIWINKLE
Huh?
ALABASTER TWITCH
Objection Your Honor! Mr. Grouch is leading the witness. This is goblin trickery! He is putting
words into the Princess’ mouth.
(The Juries heckle and mumble. The Princess is confused; she tries to fathom how words could
have been put into her mouth without her realizing. The attorneys argue.)
JUDGE SCRUPLES
Order! Order! (Pounding gavel) This is quite enough! This will be a civilized trial. Mr. Grouch, Mr.
Twitch, kindly approach the bench.
(They do so. The judge and the attorneys argue quietly. The juries and the royal families of both
sides gossip quietly amongst themselves, casting occasional menacing looks at the other side)
(Nosy Parker, the fairy reporter steps up and speaks to camera)
NOSY PARKER
This is Nosy Parker for The Blabbermouth Broadcast, reporting live from inside the Great
Courthouse. At this moment, the battle between Good and Evil; between the Fairies and Goblins
ensues. So far, there is a strong case for the fairies, who have obviously been cruelly wronged in
this savage attack by the wicked goblins. Prince Belch of the Goblins earlier took the stand,
attempting to cast off the blame onto the shoulders of the noble fairies, spewing some
nonsensical prattle regarding an ancient debt to the Caretaker of Wonder. Not to be believed of
course! All this spurred on by the repulsive Able Grouch, the defense’s pathetic excuse for an
attorney.
The hurtful allegations were of course cast aside by the Fairy prosecution attorney, the dashingly
handsome Alabaster Twitch and the celebrated intellect, Princess Periwinkle, who set the record
straight with her captivating story, touting the fame of our very own Faeriearean mastermind,
Pixel Flambuster, inventor of the “Marvelous Color Machine”.
We are currently awaiting the arrival of the Professor himself who will appear in court any
second…. Oh! That must be him entering the court now!
(Bailiff enters with Lardy Potts, the Baker. The Judge, juries and both attorneys all turn to look at
them)
PART 4 – THE BAKER’S TESTIMONY
CHRISTOPHER CRIER
(Shouting) Fairies and Goblins of the Court! Introducing Lardy Potts, the Fairy Baker!
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JUDGE SCRUPLES
(Calling to the back of the courtroom) Christopher? Where is the Professor? Where is pixel
Flambuster
CHRISTOPHER CRIER
Your honor, I went straight to the Professor’s Marvelous Color Machine, but he was nowhere to
be found. So I went to the Bakery as the Fairy Princess suggested, but he wasn’t there either. I
believe Mr. Potts here knows where he is, but he demanded to speak to the high court and
wouldn’t tell me where I could find him….
LARDY POTTS
Too right I wouldn’t! This has gone far enough your honor! This Professor of ours has been
working me to the bone! I suspect something fishy is going on your honor, and I would like to spill
the beans.
JUDGE SCRUPLES
Very well, Mr. Potts. But first could you please tell the court the whereabouts of the professor?
LARDY POTTS
The last I saw he was a heading to the Sewage plant to talk to that Pea-brained dimwit Whiffy
Skudgebucket. I swear, that Professors got his finger in so may pies!
JUDGE SCRUPLES
Christopher, send for the Professor. And this time, don’t come back empty handed!
CHRISTOPHER CRIER
(Sighs) Yes your honor (He leaves reluctantly)
JUDGE SCRUPLES
Mr. Potts, you may approach the stand
(As the Baker makes his way up the aisle, he is bombarded with questions from Nosy Parker)
NOSY PARKER
Mr. Potts, tell our viewers what you know about the Professor’s Machine? How are you
connected to this case? Is it true that your employees at the bakery are threatening to leave?
What do you think of the Fairy Princess’ new dress?
LARDY POTTS
No comment.
JUDGE SCRUPLES
Miss Parker, kindly refrain.
NOSY PARKER
(Reluctantly) Yes Your Honor (she sits back down and whispers frantically with her crew)
JUDGE SCRUPLES
Methuselah
(Methuselah gets up to swear the Baker in)
METHUSELAH
Raise your left foot and put your right finger on the tip of your nose. Do you swear to tell no
porkies?
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LARDY POTTS
I do. (Takes the stand)
JUDGE SCRUPLES
Mr. Twitch, the witness is yours.
ALABASTER TWITCH
Thank you Your Honor. Could you please state your name clearly for the court?
LARDY POTTS
No need to stew over that one it’s Lardy Potts, the Baker. Now I’ve got a bone to pick with you.
ALABASTER TWITCH
With, with me…? What do you mean?
LARDY POTTS
You and the rest of you upper crust! You think you’re all such big cheeses don’t you, the cream of
the crop? Well there’s not a smart cookie amongst you all or else you’d have realized the pickle
that so called Professor has put me in.
ALABASTER TWITCH
The professor? What’s wrong with the professor?
PRINCESS PERIWINKLE
Yeah!? What’s wrong with the professor!?
LARDY POTTS
I know he’s the apple of your eye, your highness, but I’m telling you, he’s a bad egg that one.
FAIRY KING
But he has brought color back to Faeriearea; I think you’ll agree…
FAIRY QUEEN
…for which we are eternally grateful!
LARDY POTTS
I might be eating my words, but with all due respect your majesties, I have some food for thought
which I believe you might want to take into consideration.
ALABASTER TWITCH
(Flustered) Oh this is absurd! I can see where this is heading! The Goblin’s try to filch color and
now we are the ones on trial. Outrageous! (Puffs up, outraged)
JUDGE SCRUPLES
Mr. Twitch, you are out of order! Please sit down.
(Alabaster sits down muttering)
Mr. Grouch
ABLE GROUCH
Thank you you’re honor. Mr. Potts, tell us about the pickle you say the Professor has put you in.
Just what is you’re beef?
LARDY POTTS
My beef, Mr. Grouch, is simply this: My family have been the appointed bakers now for
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generations, providing the good citizens of Faeriearea with fairy cakes. We’ve always prized
ourselves on meeting the needs of our fellow fairy folk…
FAIRY JUROR
Absolutely, Mr. Potts’ Pastries are the most delectable around
ANOTHER FAIRY JUROR
And his gingerbread tarts are ever so yummy!
ANOTHER FAIRY JUROR
Too right. I don’t know how my family would survive without his delicious birthday cakes. My
husband and I have twelve children you know, and another one on the way…
LARDY POTTS
Oh! Mrs. Cribbs, I had no idea you had a bun in the oven. That’s a true baker’s dozen! (Chuckle).
So as you can see, Mr. Grouch, The good citizens of Faeriearea are counting on me to keep their
sweet-teeth happy. That’s my job, easy as pie. But it’s a whole other kettle of fish when it comes
to that egg-head of a professor. At first it was simple enough. Five fairy cakes I can manage,
even a dozen, and it was pushing it when he asked for a hundred. But now, this is the icing on the
cake, he has asked us for five hundred on the hour. He’s nuttier than a fruitcake I tell you! And
that is why I am here, Mr. Grouch, Your Honor. I am here to demand that the court stop the
professor from monopolizing my business!
JUDGE SCRUPLES
Mr. Potts, I can assure you that your complaint has not fallen on deaf ears, and that this matter
will be attended to in due course. But the fact of the matter is…
LARDY POTTS
...I’ll tell you what the fact of the matter is. You may say, that’s the way the cookie crumbles, but
my flute player is close to quitting thanks to this unsatisfactory situation. And without a flute
player, what kind of Baker would I be? Sitting at home, chewing the fat, crying over spilt milk…
ABLE GROUCH
I beg your pardon Mr. Potts, if I could just stop you there one moment. You mentioned your flute
player. Just how does a Flutist play into this?
LARDY POTTS
Well that’s exactly it, in a nutshell! They play into it. Use your noodle man! How would you tell a
Valentine cake from an anniversary cake if it weren’t for the tunes that were played into them; the
secret ingredient of fairy cakes…
KING SURLY
Hmmm? I recognize that recipe… It’s just like the tuba tunes played into our rock cakes!
QUEEN GLOBULA
Huh! Who’d have thought it? We eat the same things?
LARDY POTTS
…But the professor only asks for one kind of fairy cake. The worst kind!
ABLE GROUCH
And what are the worst kinds, Mr. Potts?
LARDY POTTS
Why, lullaby cakes of course. What with all those sleepy tunes wafting through the kitchen, all my
employees keep falling asleep! I’ve had to buy earmuffs for the lot of them! And as for the flutist,
well, lullaby cakes are simply not her cup of tea. At first she took it with a grain of salt, having to
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play the same songs over and over, but now she’s had a bellyful of them lullabies, and is
threatening to leave. My business has gone to pot! I’m in the soup! And that, Mr. Grouch, is my
beef!
(At that moment, the Bailiff, a clothes peg on his nose, bursts into the courtroom with Whiffy
Skudgebucket)
PART 5 – THE TRASH-MAN’S TESTIMONY
CHRISTOPHER CRIER
Fairies and Goblins of the court, I present to you Whiffy Skudgebucket, Faeriearea’s esteemed
Sanitation Engineer!
JUDGE SCRUPLES
(annoyed) Christopher, I told you to bring us the Professor! Whatever possessed you to bring
Whiffy Skudgebucket into this courtroom? (Wafting the stench away)
CHRISTOPHER CRIER
You told me not to come back empty handed Your Honor, and besides, Mr. Skudgebucket is the
last person to have seen the professor.
WHIFFY SKUDGEBUCKET
Rubbish! That don’t mean I know where he is. But if I did, I’d sure give that little stinker a piece of
my mind!
GOBLIN JUROR
Who does this guy think he is, coming in here, raising a stink?
FAIRY JUROR
You don’t know how right you are! This fella sure knows how to raise a stink!
(Fairies laugh. Goblins look confused)
JUDGE SCRUPLES
Christopher Crier, this is the last time. Please find Professor Pixel Flambuster, and please, don’t
come back without him.
CHRISTOPHER CRIER
Yes your honor! (Leaves)
LARDY POTTS
(As he steps down) Well, your honor. I’ve had my say. Now I need to get back to the bakery. My
plate is full and I’m working my buns off! But I’ll tell you; this is a recipe for disaster.
(Lardy Potts heads down one aisle and out, blustering)
WHIFFY SKUDGEBUCKET
Well, I’m not mucking around, now thatcha got me up here, you gonna let me dish the dirt or
what?
JUDGE SCRUPLES
Er… I don’t think that will be necessary…
ABLE GROUCH
Your honor, I think I might have some questions for this fellow.
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WHIFFY SKUDGEBUCKET
Well, I’m glad I didn’t traipse mud all the way up those stairs for nuttin’. Now I’m ready to pull the
plug on that slime ball of a professor.
(He heads for the stand. Nosy runs to heckle him with questions)
NOSY PARKER
Mr. Skudgebucket, is Whiffy’s Waste Works about to go under? Are the rumors correct that you
have run out of perfume for the waste? Is it true that your employees are planning a strike?
WHIFFY SKUDGEBUCKET
Garbage!
JUDGE SCRUPLES
Miss Parker, enough is enough. Methuselah?
(Methuselah rises to swear him in. When Whiffy gets close, everyone in the courtroom exclaims
“eughh”, wafting and holding their noses)
METHUSELAH
Raise your left foot and put your right finger on the tip of your nose. Do you swear to sniff out ze
facts and uncover ze truth?
WHIFFY SKUDGEBUCKET
I sure do.
(He takes the stand)
ABLE GROUCH
(Keeping a distance) Tell us your name.
WHIFFY SKUDGEBUCKET
Why, Whiffy Skudgebucket of course, Chief Sanitation engineer and general man of trash.
ABLE GROUCH
Mr. Skudgebucket. I can’t help noticing a certain hostility towards the professor. Tell us how he
has got you so distressed.
WHIFFY SKUDGEBUCKET
Well, I smell a rat! I mean, I don’t wanna open no can of worms here, or muddy no waters, and
you might think it’s mud-slinging, but that scumbag Professor is rotten to the core and I suspect
foul-play. This whole stinking business reeks of corruption and I tell ya, he treats me like dirt He
don’t wanna put in no elbow grease or get his hands dirty, so he’s trying to keep his nose clean,
while dumping all his dirty work in my lap. Well, I tell ya, it stinks!
ABLE GROUCH
What stinks Mr. Skudgebucket?
WHIFFY SKUDGEBUCKET
Why, that dirty rotten Color Machine of his, that’s what! I’ve got more to do than waste my time
clearing up after that pile of junk. Waste of space if you ask me. It just keeps on spewing out
sewerage, day in, day out, and he expects me to be there to clear it up! I had enough business
taking care of people’s trash and keeping my sewerage plant a cranking. Well I know that
probably sounds dull as dishwater to you folks what’s used to living high on the hog, but my
family is proud of being trash man. Why, there aint a Skudgebucket that weren’t in trash. But now,
I’m bogged down, I’m about to go under, I just can keep up. Not to mention, that I’m clean out of
perfume, so pretty soon this whole place is gonna stink to high heaven!
14
ABLE GROUCH
Did you say Perfume Mr. Skudgebucket? But that makes no sense.
WHIFFY SKUDGEBUCKET
Well, course it make scents! We make all kinds of scents. Rose scents, lavender scents,
gardenia… what kind of sewerage plant do ya think I’d be without no perfume! If you don’t spray
the sewerage with something sweet smelling, you got stinking sewerage. What are ya? Dumb as
dirt? Trouble is, the stinkier the smell of trash, the stronger the perfume what needs to cover it up.
And what that Professor’s got dumping out of his junk trap of a machine is the worse stench of all.
ABLE GROUCH
And what’s that?
WHIFFY SKUDGEBUCKET
Why Liquorish of course!
(Everyone “eughhs”)
KING SURLY
But we thought that you Faries liked liquorish, that’s what we always believed?
GOBLIN JUROR
Yeah, and when we got here everything was smelling of it!
WHIFFY SKUDGEBUCKET
Well, that’s all because of that confounded foul-smelling color machine. We aint never liked
liquorish. Not as long as I can remember!
FAIRY QUEEN
We thought you were the ones who liked liquorish.
FAIRY KING
It says so in all the books…
METHUSELAH
Not all the books. (He holds up a battered old book) it says here, in “The Most Ancient Book of
Rhyme and Reason” that liquorish is, in actual fact, detested by Faries and Goblins alike.
(Gasp)
PRINCESS PERIWINKLE
So does that mean we’re all…
ALL
Alike?
ALABASTER TWITCH
Fairies and goblins alike!? Alike!? Absolutely not! Not in any way, shape or form. We are as
unalike as night and day. I… I’ve never heard such nonsense! I mean, just look at them! How
could you possibly deem these villains as similar to us? That is contrary to everything we’ve ever
been taught. We live on this side of the mountain, and they live on that side, and never, never the
twain shall meet!
(Silence)
GOBLIN PRINCE
Why not?
15
FAIRY JUROR
Yeah, why not…?
(Both juries start to heckle Twitch. “Why not”, “They’re not so bad”, etc.)
FAIRY JUROR
Awww sit down Alabaster
ALABASTER TWITCH
Hmmmph! I know when I’m not needed. You can stay here and cuddle up to these goblins all you
like, but I’m going home to bite my pillow! Your Majesties, Your Honor. Good day!
(Alabaster gathers up his notes and heads down the aisle and out of the courtroom, all the while
bombarded by Nosy parker, who chases him to the door)
NOSY PARKER
Mr. Twitch! Mr. Twitch! How does it feel to be ridiculed by the high court? What’s it like to watch
the age old barrier between Goblins and Faries come tumbling down? (At door, calling down to
him) What do you think of the Fairy Princesses new dress?
(Long pause)
PART 6 – THE DREAM-CATCHER’S TESTIMONY
ABLE GROUCH
So where do we go from here?
(Everyone is brought back to the matter at hand)
We know this color machine runs on Fairy cakes; copious amounts of fairy cakes; lullaby cakes at
that, causing tremendous strain on Mr. Potts’ Pastry Parlor. We are also led to believe, by Mr.
Skudgebucket here, that the by-product of this Color machine is monumental mounds of liquorish,
which nobody likes. It seems to me that an awful lot of strange things are happening here in
Faeriearea.
(Narcoleptia Snooze, the dream catcher, stands up in the Jury box)
NARCOLEPTIA SNOOZE
I’ll say. I’ll say. Let me introduce myself. Narcoleptia Snooze, official dream catcher of Faeriearea.
And this is my, my assistant; Insomnia Wake…
(Insomnia waves energetically)
Mr. Grouch. Mr. Grouch. Strange things are indeed happening in Faeriearea. I have been
inundated, inundated, with complaints of strange dreams. Strange dreams. Why, only the other
day, Miss Sythurist, the wind maker’s daughter came to me with a nightmare, a nightmare about
an excitable cabbage with a speech impediment who did nothing but perform endless tap dances.
And of course, of course, there was Mr. Pollock, the fish-master who dreamt that the alphabet,
the alphabet, was chasing him through the countryside. I myself have had the most peculiar daydreams. My only explanation, Mr. Grouch, Mr. Grouch, for this volley of vivid visions, this crock of
cuckoo conjures, this frenzied flight of fantasies…
JUDGE SCRUPLES
Get to the point Miss Snooze!
16
NARCOLEPTIA SNOOZE
(Shoots him an icy glance) Well, well, it is a well know scientific fact, documented by all the great
scholars of the field, that the number one cause of strange dreams, and one which I think is very
likely in this situation, is the overpowering smell of liquorish. Liquorish!
METHUSELAH
Well, actually Narcoleptia dear. I beg to differ. You see, it says here that “not only is liquorish
detested by goblins and faeries alike, but that it is often mistaken for the cause of bad dreams. A
common misconception, based upon its unpleasant potency.
NARCOLEPTIA SNOOZE
You mean, you mean to say that liquorish is not in fact the reason for this volley of vivid…..
METHUSULAH
Yes, Narcoleptia. That is exactly what I mean to say.
NARCOLEPTIA SNOOZE
(Full of exaggerated realization) But. But. But that can only mean one thing! One thing…
(She immediately falls asleep, slumping back to the bench.)
PRINCE BELCH
What happened to the weird lady mommy?
INSOMNIA WAKE
(Standing up) Oh, I’m ever so sorry. She’s always doing this. She can’t help it you know. She just
gets a little flustered from time to time. If you could just give me a few moments?
(The judge nods. The juries whisper excitedly. Insomnia is shaking Narcoleptia, trying to wake her
up, to no avail. Nosy Parker steps up to her camera to report. Whiffy meanwhile makes a show of
leaving the stand and heading out.)
NOSY PARKER
Breaking news! After a heated testimony from Lardy Potts the Baker and from Whiffy
Skudgebucket, chief Sanitation Engineer, we have been given reason to believe that Professor
Pixel Flambuster has been acting very suspiciously indeed. Not only does his Color Machine run
on abnormally large quantities of lullaby cakes, but it is also giving off huge amounts of liquorishsmelling waste. After an unexpected outburst and departure from the unsightly Alabaster Twitch,
Narcoleptia Snooze, dream catcher of Faeriearea, rose to explain how she has been bombarded
by complaints about bad dreams. After realizing that her theory of the liquorish smell causing
these dreams was false, she got so close to revealing what must be an important piece in the
jigsaw of this case, before abruptly passing out. We are currently waiting with bated breath for
Miss Snooze to come around…
(Meanwhile Methuselah has fetched a honking horn which he has held up to Narcoleptia’s ear
and honked. She wakes up with a start.
NARCOLEPTIA SNOOZE
What! Where, where am I?
NOSY PARKER
Stay tuned folks (she settles)
NARCOLEPTIA SNOOZE
(Still coming out of a daze) Insomnia? Is that you?
17
INSOMNIA WAKE
Yes Narcoleptia. You’re in the courtroom.
NARCOLEPTIA SNOOZE
I… I am?
ABLE GROUCH
Yes Miss Snooze. And you were about to share with us your revelation…
NARCOLEPTIA SNOOZE
I was? Oh! (Remembers)I was!
ABLE GROUCH
And…
NARCOLEPTIA SNOOZE
Well, Mr. Grouch. You see, you see the only other explanation for such strange dreams is…
is…is…. Well, dragons!
(Murmurs in the court)
ABLE GROUCH
Dragons, Miss Snooze?
NARCOLEPTIA SNOOZE
Yes Mr. Grouch. Dragons. The only other cause for strange dreams is the presence of a dragon.
But…but… but they’re a mythical beast. That cannot be possible. Everyone knows that dragons
vanished centuries, centuries ago.
METHUSELAH
Not necessarily! Your honor, if I may. I recollect reading something on the matter. Let’s see (he
flicks through his book) “dangerous ducks”, “diseased toadstools”, “dirty bathwater”… aha!
Dragons...
(Reads:)
“Long thought to be extinct in the magical kingdom, this fantastical beast is identified by four
distinguishing properties: Firstly, the common dragon consumes only one thing; fairy cakes…
(Court gasps)
“Secondly, Dragon’s dung possesses the overpowering stench of liquorish…
(Court gasps)
“Thirdly, the mere presence of a dragon has been known to induce strange dreams…
(Court gasps)
NARCOLEPTIA
I told you so! I told you so!
METHUSELAH
“…and lastly, and most importantly of all, Dragons are the source of color itself.’
(Chaos in the courtroom. Loud heckles and jeers: “dragon”, “dangerous”, “machine”, “we should
have known” etc. Judge is pounding gavel, crying “order, order”, but no one listens. Then…)
18
PART 7 – THE PROFESSOR’S TESTIMONY
CHRISTOPHER CRIER
(From the door) Here ye! Here ye! Fairies and Goblins of the court! Finally introducing. Professor
Pixel Flambuster!
(The court hushes. Nosy jumps up and starts to run toward the professor)
JUDGE SCRUPLES
Nosy!
NOSY PARKER
(Stopping in her tracks) Yes your honor. (Sits back down).
JUDGE SCRUPLES
Professor, we need your assistance in settling a few matters for us.
PIXEL FLAMBUSTER
You do? Well, erm, okay, I… I suppose so. (Nervously approaches the stand)
JUDGE SCRUPLES
Methuselah.
(Methuselah rises to swear him in)
METHUSELAH
Raise your left foot and put your right finger on the tip of your nose. Do you swear to be or not to
be truthful?
PIXEL FLAMBUSTER
I... I do.
(He takes the stand)
ABLE GROUCH
Please state your name for the court
PIXEL FLAMBUSTER
Er… I…Professor Pixel Flambuster
ABLE GROUCH
So tell us Professor. This color machine of yours. How exactly does it work?
(Professor hesitates)
Professor?
PIXEL FLAMBUSTER
Er… Our atmosphere, Mr. Grouch, is made up of hundreds, thousands, millions of tiny pixilated
particles. According to the grandiloquent laws of metaroscular frictionology, when the positively
charged ionic pixel particles confer with the rehabitulatory participles, they auto-maticulately
merge on the Sponsatan, causing the pixel particles to pontificate. This synthetic synesthesia
systematically rough drops on the Holesal Fridegy, seedles on the Salsacran, and thus, produces
particles of color. All thanks to the lukographical rules of inertia.
ABLE GROUCH
Stop Professor, you’re making me nertious. So tell me how this color machine is fuelled?
19
PIXEL FLAMBUSTER
Fairy… (Stops himself) Very could question. My machine uses a complex carbo-crystalline
compound consisting of a gelatinous glucose material.
ABLE GROUCH
And in laymen’s terms...?
PIXEL FLAMBUSTER
Er…um… sweet stuff.
ABLE GROUCH
Any particular kind of sweet stuff, professor?
PIXEL FLAMBUSTER
Uh… Well… I… Er…
ABLE GROUCH
Fairy cakes perhaps?
PIXEL FLAMBUSTER
Well, no… but yes, but…
ABLE GROUCH
More specifically, lullaby cakes?
PIXEL FLAMBUSTER
Um… I… Well, that is to say…
ABLE GROUCH
And while we’re at it professor, why don’t you tell us a little about the waste produced by your so
called color machine?
PIXEL FLAMBUSTER
What about it?
ABLE GROUCH
Liquorish, Professor! Loads upon loads of malodorous liquorish.
PIXEL FLAMBUSTER
I…uh…
ABLE GROUCH
Go ahead and say it professor! Lullaby cakes devoured by the thousands? The foul fetid
fragrance of liquorish? Bad dreams, Professor, bad dreams. And the sudden unexpected return
of color? All point to one thing Professor. One indubitable fact. You, sir, are in possession of a
dragon!
(Hush)
PIXEL FLAMBUSTER
Okay, okay, you’ve got me! I admit it! I lied! My color machine is a fake!
(Court gasps)
PRINCESS PERIWINKLE
But why, Pixel, why?
20
PIXEL FLAMBUSTER
I did it for you Princess. The moment I first laid eyes on you, I knew I was in love. But what
chance did I have. Those longs line of suitors, with their lavish gifts and their poetic promises, and
then little old me, the runt of the Flambuster litter, with little more to offer you than a rusty old
Bunsen Burner. But I determined to win your heart. I heard you pining for the return of color…
And, well, I knew like everyone else that color can still be seen flashing far off in the distance at
the top of the forbidden mountain once every Blue-Moon. So, I knew what I had to do. I climbed
all the way to the very top of the mountain, and once I had scaled the summit, I entered the cave I
found there…
ABLE GROUCH
And what did you find there, professor?
PIXEL FLAMBUSTER
There, amongst a pile of fairy cakes and nestled beside a small boulder was the most beautiful
orb that shone with all the colors of the rainbow. This was the gift to win my Periwinkle’s heart.
(Periwinkle sighs)
Gathering it in my arms I ran back down the mountain, straight to my laboratory. Placing it on the
table, I sat for hours mesmerized by its prismatic radiance. (He mimes gazing down at the egg on
the table, as if reliving the moment) And then overcome by thought of the princess, I began to
sing her favorite song… (He sings) “I see tree’s of green, red roses too…”
PRINCESS PERIWINKLE
(She sings) I see them bloom, for me and you…
(Professor looks at Princess)
BOTH
(Sing)…and I think to myself…
(He looks back down at an invisible egg)
…What a wonderful….
PIXEL FLAMBUSTER
(He snaps out of the trance)Then crack, the beautiful orb split in two and out popped a…a…a…
ABLE GROUCH
A dragon?
PIXEL FLAMBUSTER
Yes…a dragon! And before I knew it, color shot up my chimney and out through my windows
and…oh, it all happened so quickly. Then there was a knock at my door!
ABLE GROUCH
The Princess.
PIXEL FLAMBUSTER
Yes. I went to the door, and there she was, with her beautiful smile and a basket of lullaby cakes.
ABLE GROUCH
Because she knows how you have trouble sleeping.
21
PIXEL FLAMBUSTER
Yes. And she asked what it was that had shot up through my chimney and out of my windows.
And I told her it was color. And she asked where did it come from, and asked if I’d made it, and if
I’d made a color machine, and before I could stop myself, I said yes and… oh! I’m so stupid.
ABLE GROUCH
Then what happened, Mr. Flambuster?
PIXEL FLAMBUSTER
Well, I couldn’t let her in of course, so she left the cakes and ran home to tell her parents, I was
left with a baby dragon on my hands. A hungry baby dragon. I’d barely shut the door, when it
leapt up and gobbled all the lullaby cakes the Princess had given me, and it promptly fell asleep,
snoring little clouds of color.
ABLE GROUCH
So, you disguised the sleeping dragon as your color machine
PIXEL FLAMBUSTER
I’m afraid so. Oh I’m such a scoundrel. But what was I to do? I didn’t know it would get this big! I
didn’t expect it to eat so much! And I certainly didn’t count on the liquorish poop! All I wanted to
do was impress the princess, to make her think that I was special. I only longed for her to love
me.
PRINCESS PERIWINKLE
But I do love you Pixel. I always loved you. Ever since you showed me the periodic table and
explained how hydro-chloro-phosphates denaturalize the stability of potassium carbonate ions, I
new I couldn’t live without you.
PIXEL FLAMBUSTER
Oh, Princess!
(They both swoon)
ABLE GROUCH
Hey, hey! Slow down! There’s one problem that still remains. The night you climbed to the top of
the mountain and found the dragons egg, where was the Caretaker of Wonder?
PIXEL FLAMBUSTER
The Caretaker? What’s the Caretaker of Wonder got to do with it?
ABLE GROUCH
Why, it was the Caretaker’s egg you stole that night Professor. How could you not know? You
must have seen the Caretaker there at the top of the mountain? I have a hard time imagining that
something as important as this egg would be left unattended. Especially when the Caretaker has
gone to such great means in calling for the Prince of all Goblin land to guard it!
PIXEL FLAMBUSTER
I swear, I didn’t see anyone there! How should I know it belonged to anyone? I told you, there
was nothing else there but fairy cakes and rocks…
PART 8 – THE CARE-TAKER AND THE GOBLIN PRINCESS’ TESTIMONY
CARETAKER OF WONDER
... (From the door) And a little goblin princess of course.
22
(All heads turn to the door, where the Caretaker has entered, leading the Goblin Princess Phlegm
by the ear. The court gasps.)
ALL
The Caretaker of Wonder!
CARETAKER OF WONDER
(Exasperated and sarcastic)Yes, yes. It is I. Big old deity. Everybody gasp. Can’t you people think
of something a little less cliché?
(The Caretaker makes his way up the aisle. Phlegm struggles and whines)
KING RUBUS
Who’s that he’s got with him?
QUEEN HYACINTH
I’m not entirely sure.
QUEEN GLOBULA
Why, it’s my darling Phlegm! Surly, Surly, they brought back our sweet little booger!
KING SURLY
Yes dear.
(Globula hurries towards Phlegm.)
CARETAKER OF WONDER
I found this little rascal, up on the mountain top
PRINCESS PHLEGM
Gerroff me mister! Gerroff!
(He lets her go. She embraces her mother)
CARETAKER OF WONDER
I can’t say much for her manners. She’s been whining and pining all the way here!
QUEEN GLOBULA
Oh my darling! Where have you been? Are you okay? Tell me what happened?
CARETAKER OF WONDER
I think she should tell us all what happened. Don’t you princess?
PRINCESS PHLEGM
Hmmph!
JUDGE SCRUPLES
Methuselah?
(Methuselah rises to swear her in)
METHUSELAH
Raise your left foot and put your right finger on the tip of your nose. Do you swear to fill in all the
blanks?
PRINCESS PHLEGM
I suppose.
23
(She takes the stand. Professor heads down to sit next to princess Periwinkle, in Alabaster’s
empty seat.)
PRINCE BELCH
(As she takes stand) Alright sis?
(Phlegm blows a raspberry at Belch)
ABLE GROUCH
Alright Princess, tell us your story.
PRINCESS PHLEGM
(She realizes everyone is listening to her. Proud, she begins her story)…Well, Mom and Dad got
a letter from the Caretaker of Wonder saying it was time to repay the ancient debt. The letter said
that Belch got to go up the Forbidden Mountain on a big adventure, just because he was the
firstborn! Why is it always Belch – just because he was born five minutes before me. What’s five
minutes? I think it’s just because I’m a girl. So I went into his closet, and I filched his long jacket
and his big hat (gesturing the hat she’s wearing) this one here! And I put ‘em on, and I looked just
like him. ‘Cos we’re twins, you know? And I walked right out of the castle gates, big as day, with
all the guards saluting me and everything. And then, I climbed right up on the top of the
Forbidden Mountain all on my own. And when I got there, even the Caretaker thought I was him!
ABLE GROUCH
Aha! So the caretaker was there when you arrived?
PRINCESS PHLEGM
Well, yeah! And he had this big old dragon. And he said the dragon was sick and he had to take it
to its resting place in the stars, and I, I had to look after its egg while he was gone. Well, the
caretaker left, and I just sat there. I though it was gonna be a big adventure, but it turned out
there was nothing to do but sit there looking after this egg! I was tired and hungry and there was
nothing to eat, except these things that were sorta like tiny little rock cakes. So, I gobbled some
down. And then, I don’t know what happened… it was sorta like my head filled up with pretty
songs and I couldn’t keep my eyes open.
ABLE GORUCH
Lullaby cakes.
PRINCESS PHLEGM
I guess I fell asleep, ‘cos the next thing I knew, the mean old caretaker woke me up, and brought
me here. And, well, that’s all I know. And I’m sorry, I know I wasn’t the firstborn, but I just really
wanted an adventure too!
CARETAKER OF WONDER
Ah Phlegm. I suppose you ought to know. You are the firstborn.
PRINCESS PHLEGM
I’m what! The firstborn!?
CARETAKER OF WONDER
Yes. By five minutes. You were muddled at birth. It’s as simple as that. Things have a way of
working themselves out. Call it destiny, call it what you will. This was your adventure all along
Phlegm. And look what’s happened because of it. After all this time, Goblins and Fairies are
united once again. Not long ago, this lot couldn’t even be in the same room without being at each
other’s throats. Now, just look at them. And all because of your big adventure!
(Phlegm is amazed. She sticks her tongue out at Belch)
24
ABLE GROUCH
I see… So… Princess Phlegm here, impersonating her brother, went up to the top of the
forbidden mountain, where she fell asleep guarding the egg, while the caretaker went on his
mission. Then, professor Flambuster here stumbled in and took the egg.
JUDGE SCRUPLES
But Mr. Grouch. If the Princess was indeed present when the professor arrived, why didn’t he see
her?
ABLE GROUCH
Oh, your honor. Everyone knows that sleeping goblins look like rocks…
(Murmurs of validation from Goblins)
Then, in comes prince Belch. Even he didn’t notice his older “boulder” sister… sees the trial of
fairy dust, and the rest is history…
QUEEN HYACINTH
But, Mr. Caretaker. If, as the Goblin prince has testified, you’ve had a color dragon all this time,
why have we not had color for so long?
CARETAKER OF WONDER
A “fairy” good question, Hyacinth. And one that begs an answer. You see, the old color dragon in
question exhausted its spirit, trying desperately to stretch the rainbow between your two very
different worlds. You grew so far apart, and color was stretched so thin, that it practically faded
away. In a last attempt to bring color back to your world, before it took to its final resting place in
the stars, it laid an egg. An egg which, thanks to the Professor’s little heartfelt song that night in
his laboratory, hatched. And now a fledgling color dragon lies all curled up in Professor
Flambuster’s Marvelous Color Machine, waiting to be released.
PRINCESS PERIWINKLE
Oh, what a wonderful story!
PIXEL FLAMBUSTER
And what a wonderful world!
(The court sings “IT’S A WONDERFUL WORLD” stopped short by the roar of the dragon from
outside)
CARETAKER OF WONDER
Stop this sentimental hogwash! We have a dragon to release! To the Color Machine!
(All cheer and head out, followed by audience)
25