Styles of Parenting
Love and limits are terms that describe a parents discipline orientation. Parents
who are oriented toward a "relational discipline" are said to use love as their
primary style of parenting. Parents who use "action discipline" are said to use
limits as their primary style of parenting.
All parents incorporate both love and limits in their style of parenting. It is the
balance of love and limits that determine a parent’s particular style. In addition,
each style has strengths and weaknesses inherent in them and is learned from the
important parental figures in our lives. Only the democratic or balanced
parenting style have both high love and high limits. These figures are usually our
own parents.
Evaluating your style
Parents who use love as their primary style (permissive parents) consider love to
be more important than limits. They also use attachment and their bond with
their child to teach right from wrong. They spend a lot of time with the child
communicating, negotiating, and reasoning. Their value is on "increasing their
child's self-esteem" or "making them feel special."
Parents who use limits as their primary style (authoritarian parents) consider
limits as more important than love (relationship). They use external control to
teach right from wrong and are quick to act on a discipline problem.
Consequently, children are usually quick to react and rarely get their parents to
negotiate. The value is on "teaching respect" and "providing structure."
Parenting styles are defined as the "manner in which parents express their beliefs
about how to be a good or bad parent. All parents (at least 99%) want to be a
good parent and avoid doing what they consider to be a bad parent. Parents
adopt the styles of parenting learned from their parents because 1) They don't
know what else to do or 2) They feel that this is the right way (good) to parent.
The four dominant parenting styles
1.Rejecting/Neglecting. The Rejecting/Neglecting style of parenting is low on
both love and limits. It is generally thought of as uncaring and inadequate to
meet the needs of children. Sometimes, it is referred to as the "indifferent
parenting style" due to its lack of emotional involvement and supervision of
children.
2.Authoritarian. The Authoritarian parenting style is high on limits and low on
love. That doesn't mean that an authoritarian parent does not love their child.
They do love their child but their parenting strengths are in the area of action
discipline (limits) and not relationship discipline (love).
Most children of authoritarian parents do not feel as if they had a close, warm
relationship with their parents. Consequently, they are not someone they feel
they can turn to for empathy and problem solving. Authoritarian parents value
obedience and respect. They do not negotiate rules and chores. And they believe
in a family hierarchy, with dad usually at the top, mom next in line, and children
last.
3.Permissive. The Permissive parenting style is high on love (relationship
discipline) and low on limits (action discipline). Permissive parents are highly
attuned to their child's developmental and emotional needs but have difficulty
setting firm limits. In fact, the biggest telltale sign of a permissive parent is their
inconsistent discipline. Bedtime is at 7 pm one night and 10 pm the next. They
use reason and negotiation to gain their child's compliance. They use their
attachment and bond with their child to teach right from wrong.
This is not to say that the permissive parent is an abusive or ineffective parent.
Children often do comply with permissive parents as a result of the relationship.
It is a little known fact that children do want to please their parents and are more
likely to follow the directions of someone the know, love, and trust versus
someone they do not.
4.Democratic or Balanced. The democratic or balanced parenting style is
high on both love and limits. It is based on the democratic concepts such as
equality and trust. Parents and children are equal in terms of their need for
dignity and worth but not in terms of responsibility and decision making. In large
families, where there are more children than adults, parents would easily be
outvoted, for example, on whether ice-cream should be served before or after
dinner. Parents, like the president in a democratic society, have veto-power over
decisions that may affect the health and well-being of younger family members.
In his book Love & Limits: Achieving a Balance in Parenting,
parenting expert Ron Huxley writes about the four styles of
parenting. Each style corresponds to a balance of love and limits.
The Authoritarian Parenting Style
The Authoritarian Parenting Style is high on limits and low on love. That doesn't
mean that an authoritarian parent does not love their child. They do love their
child but their parenting strengths are in the area of action discipline (limits) and
not relationship discipline (love).
Most children of authoritarian parents do not feel as if they had a close, warm
relationship with their parents. Consequently, they are not someone they feel
they can turn to for empathy and problem solving. Authoritarian parents value
obedience and respect. They do not negotiate rules and chores. And they believe
in a family hierarchy, with dad usually at the top, mom next in line, and children
last.
Authoritarian parenting styles are not in vogue in American society today. This
style is often seen as abusive by today's standards. But it is a strength. They set
firm limits with children. Children generally obey. And respect is achieved.
So what makes it so bad? Authoritarian parents often confuse discipline and
punishment. Punishment is an external force for controlling parents. External
forces are effective to a point. Children will obey when the external force or threat
is present but revolt against it when the force is removed. So, when a parent
leaves a room or children are not under their control, they often do what they
want because no internal sense of right and wrong is present in children.
Discipline uses internal and external force to teach right from wrong. Parents use
external force and model or guide children about right and wrong. This way
children will follow the rules when parents are not around to enforce the rules.
Authoritarian parents tend to use spanking as a method of external force. This
has been proven to be ineffective for the same reasons, namely, children will do
what they are told to avoid getting a spanking but they will do what they want
when no one is around to spank them. That is because they have not internalized
right from wrong. Spanking is only one tool that parents can use. If a parent has
only a hammer to fix everything that is wrong in their home, they will break more
things then they fix, over time. The better solution is to have a tool belt full or
"parenting tools."
Authoritarian parents can become authoritative to balance love and limits in their
parenting. Authoritative parents use internal controls, teach and model right
from wrong, use various parenting tools, and are attentive to their child's
developmental and emotional needs.
The Balanced Parenting Style
The democratic or balanced parenting style is high on both love and limits. It is
based on the democratic concepts such as equality and trust. Parents and
children are equal in terms of their need for dignity and worth but not in terms of
responsibility and decision making. In large families, where there are more
children than adults, parents would easily be outvoted, for example, on whether
ice-cream should be served before or after dinner. Parents, like the president in a
democratic society, have veto-power over decisions that may affect the health and
well-being of younger family members.
Balanced parenting styles have a set of balanced parenting beliefs:
* Parents need to model right from wrong by their words and their deeds.
* Discipline is different from punishment.
* Blaming and shaming a child is not acceptable.
* Consequences are inevitable and some frustration is O.K.
* Children need encouragement in order to try new activities.
* Children must be taught how to solve problems.
* Discipline is used to teach and guide, not punish, manipulate, or control.
The underlying principle of all of these beliefs are independence and
responsibility on the part of the child. Parents present expectations, not
demands, to gain a child's cooperation and respect. The golden rule, to treat
others as you would have them treat you, is at the heart of the democratic or
balanced parenting style. It sets realistic standards of parenting and values
humanness over perfection.
Too much love and parents will be enmeshed with their children. Too many limits
and parents will become rigid in their relationship with their children. Finding a
balance of love and limits is a precarious but necessary task.
Permissive Parenting Style
The Permissive Parenting Style is high on love (relationship discipline) and low
on limits (action discipline). Permissive parents are highly attuned to their child's
developmental and emotional needs but have difficulty setting firm limits. In fact,
the biggest tell tale sign of a permissive parent is their inconsistent discipline.
Bedtime is at 7 one night and 10 the next. They use reason and negotiation to
gain their child's compliance. They use their attachment and bond with their
child to teach right from wrong.
This is not to say that the permissive parent is an abusive or ineffective parent.
Children often do comply with permissive parents as a result of the relationship.
It is a little known fact that children do want to please their parents and are more
likely to follow the directions of someone they know, love, and trust versus
someone they do not.
Unfortunately for permissive parents there are several weaknesses to the style as
well. These weaknesses make this style of parenting ineffective over the longterm. As already mentioned, permissive parents are inconsistent. Over time,
children learn to manipulate parents to get their way. Call it ego-centricism or
selfish behavior, children do manipulate. Why? Because, they can and because
permissive parents let them. I would go so far as to say that permissive parents
actually reinforce their children to manipulate. Children learn a false sense of
control over adults that increases their manipulative behavior. Inconsistent limit
setting is a form of intermittent reinforcement scheduling, a fancy behavioral
term for a very powerful reward system.
Permissive parents also confuse aggressiveness and assertiveness.
One of the negative consequences of permissive parenting, for parents, is that
they end up feeling like slaves and martyrs to their children. They resent being
taken advantage of and never being shown respect or appreciation for all they do
for their children. This builds up into anger and verbally abusive behavior (a
common problem area for permissive parents). Setting inconsistent limits is a
symptom of inability to set firm boundaries for the self. Permissive parents do
not take care of themselves or value themselves as highly as they should. They
take care of everybody else before themselves believing this to be the behavior of
a "good" parent. Learning assertiveness is essential for the permissive parent.
What do you do if you are a permissive parent? Start off by taking care of yourself
first. I know this feels selfish but the reality is that you must fill up your own
emotional tank before trying to care for everyone else. Trying to care for others
on an empty tank is selfish because you end up bitter and resentful at your family
members. You aren't going to give them much when you are burnt out or
exhausted.
Secondly, use your communication strengths to set firmer limits. Learn from you
spouse or significant other who may have a firmer, action-oriented style of
parenting. And lastly, take a parenting class or read more on assertiveness
training to learn to set better boundaries.
Rejecting-Neglecting Parenting Style.
The Rejecting/Neglecting style of parenting is low on both love and limits. It is
generally thought of as uncaring and inadequate to meet the needs of children.
Sometimes, it is referred to as the "indifferent parenting style" due to its lack of
emotional involvement and supervision of children.
Parents and children, in a rejecting/neglecting home, frequently engage in
vicious cycles of interaction. An example of this cycle is as follows:
1. Parent attempts to control a child's behavior by ineffective means. For
example, a parent may yell at a child to pick up his or her toys or threaten to take
them all out to the garbage if they are not picked up immediately.
2. Child ignores the parent or whines/argues in response.
3. Parents stops threatening/yelling and withdraws from the situation. This
action reinforces the very thing the parent wishes to stop by doing exactly what
the child wants (leave him or her alone).
4. Child assumes a measure of control over the parent as he or she has just
witnessed a means of "getting their way."
5. Pattern escalates as parents "up the ante" and begin threatening and yelling in
earnest or physical abuse begins.
6. Child finally complies with the parents request to pick up the toys and
reinforces the parents abusive behavior (i.e., parents feels that he or she must get
angry or abusive in order to get the child to comply). Or the child continues to
refuse to cooperate by more whining, ignoring, or running away.
7. Parents give up or abuse the child in sheer frustration.
What is unique about this vicious-cycle is that the child also has
a role to play in the interaction? Consequently, the child can make changes in his or her
behavior to prevent the parents abusive reaction (i.e., pick up the toys). To prevent
further harm from occurring to the child, they must also make a change in this cycle. It is
also my experience that parents who reject/neglect or abuse their children usually do not
consider themselves as "bad" parents. They are operating under a mistaken set of beliefs
about what a "good" parent does and avoid doing what they feel a "bad" parent would do.
Usually, they believe that getting a child to obey, whatever the means, justifies the end
result. Understanding this is important if professionals are going to prevent abusive
behavior. Merely teaching a new parenting tool, such as "Time-Out", will not be enough
as the beliefs and values of that parent must also change. Otherwise, they will give "lipservice" to the professional and go home and do whatever they believe is right. Both
technique and philosophy are necessary.
Ummeed Counselling & Consultancy Services – 9830558900,
visit www.salonypriya.com, E mail salony@salonypriya.com
Compiled by Salony Priya, Counselling psychologist, 9830164500.