Contents
Page 4
Page 6-8
Pages 10-11
Pages 12
Page 14
Page 16-17
Page 18
Page 19
Page 20
Pages 22-36
Page 37
Page 39
Business
Wine
Fitness
Music
Theatre
Dining
Travel
Featured Business
Nightwire Turns Five!
Humor
Gratitude
Classifieds
Happy Birthday Nightwire
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2
•
August 2008
August 2008
•
3
Business
BY PAUL KIMBLE
Your Personal Vision
In Business You Must Have A Plan
H
ow can you determine the
success of a business
venture? A simple answer is
that a business is successful if
it meets your personal goals, or your
vision. A personal vision is a statement of
your own criteria for successfully starting
and operating a business. The personal
vision statement includes lifestyle,
professional, and financial criteria.
The important thing is to identify the
criteria that matter most to you. These
criteria will guide you in making a go or
no-go decision for your venture. They will
help
you
in
deciding
whether
entrepreneurship is right for you. They will
also help you in shaping a business
concept that meets your criteria.
Step 1: Establish lifestyle criteria.
Entrepreneurship can change your
lifestyle dramatically. You should
determine what type of lifestyle you
desire and then pursue a business that
can support it.
How many hours do you want to
work per week during the start-up
phase? During the maturity phase?
(Consider: Most entrepreneurs work
well over 40 hours each week. Be realistic
about your number. The number of hours
you want to work and the needs of the
customer must mesh.)
Do you need flexible work hours?
What will take precedence, family or
business?
(Consider: Is flexibility a necessity for
you or an added bonus? In most
businesses, customers need prompt
responses. How much flexibility is
necessary for you and your family?)
Where is the desired location for the
business?
(Consider: Are you interested in a
certain business idea and want to find a
location that will support it? Or have you
already selected a location and are trying
to find a business that will be successful
there?)
How much would you like to travel
for your business? How often and for
what duration?
(Consider: Do you seek travel as part
of the business or a perk of the business?
Or do you wish to avoid travel altogether?
Travel can add both excitement and
stress to your life.)
What morals, beliefs, or standards
do you hold?
(Consider: Do you have strong beliefs
that will affect the way you do business?
4
•
August 2008
Identifying these now will help you build a
company that can reflect these beliefs.)
What specific physical requirements
or restrictions do you have?
(Consider: Are you looking for
physical activity in a business or are you
avoiding it? Do you have specific physical
or health requirements that need to be
considered?)
Will your family be involved?
Supportive?
(Consider: Family support can make
or break a new business. What support
do you expect to receive from family,
such as emotional support, financial
support, or commitment of time to the
business?)
Who would you like to work with?
(Consider: Many days, you will spend
more time with the people at work than
with family at home. What behaviors do
you want your co-workers to exhibit?)
Step 2: Establish professional criteria.
Entrepreneurship can bring limitless
professional growth opportunities. The
professional criteria within the personal
vision help you define what is important
to you professionally.
What level of power or status is
important to you?
(Consider: How important is it to you
to have a sense of power and control in
your business? Be aware that the quest
for power may be driven by ego. Many
entrepreneurs say their ego has gotten in
the way of listening to good ideas from
advisors and employees.)
How involved do you plan to be in
the daily operations of the business?
(Consider: Do you want to run
everything, or do you like to delegate and
manage? If you want to be a hands-on
entrepreneur, you may be limiting the
company’s growth potential. How will
your involvement change over the course
of the business’s life?)
What type of work do you enjoy?
What expertise and skills do you already
possess?
(Consider: You probably hope to be
working in this business for some time to
come. It is critical to concentrate on a
business that you enjoy and that builds on
your expertise.)
How important is job security?
(Consider: No one plans to fail when
starting a business. Still, you need to think
about how important job security is to
you. Are you looking for a steady income?
Wanting steady work? Build your
Continued on page 21
All about youth
Wine
BY: JIM LAMAR
Wine and Health
Benefits Are Not Without Cautions
W
ine and Health ... benefits
are not without cautions ...
The medical profession has
recognized the healthful
and nutritive properties of wine for
thousands of years. Hippocrates
recommended specific wines to purge
fever, disinfect and dress wounds, as
diuretics, or for nutritional supplements,
around 450 B.C. A French doctor wrote
the earliest known printed book about
wine around 1410 A.D. Most of the
pathogens that threaten humans are
inhibited or killed off by the acids and
alcohols in wine. Because of this, wine
was considered to be a safer drink than
much of the available water up until the
18th century.
Wine is a mild natural tranquilizer,
serving to reduce anxiety and tension. As
part of a normal diet, wine provides the
body with energy, with substances that
aid digestion, and with small amounts of
minerals and vitamins. It can also
stimulate the appetite. In addition, wine
serves to restore nutritional balance,
relieve tension, sedate and act as a mild
euphoric agent to the convalescent and
especially the aged.
Political Suppression
Although wine may be the oldest
remedy and prophylactic still in use, there
was an entire generation of medical
professionals, especially in America, that
obtained their medical education during
the historical period known as
Prohibition. Medical texts for nearly
twenty-five years were purged and
censored of any mention of alcohol,
including wine, for any application other
than external. This medical generation
became educators to the following one,
perpetuating medical ignorance of the
potential health benefits of wine.
In the 1970s, the National Institute of
Health excluded and suppressed
evidence from the Framingham Heart
Study that showed moderate drinkers
had 50 per cent fewer deaths from
coronary disease than non-drinkers.
French Paradox
Only when the television news
magazine "60 Minutes" reported in
6
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August 2008
November, 1991, the phenomenon that
has come to be known as the French
Paradox did popular thinking of wine as
medicine rather than toxin begin to
return. Typically, the diet of people in
Southern France includes a very high
proportion of cheese, butter, eggs, organ
meats, and other fatty and cholesterolladen foods. This diet would seem to
promote heart disease, but the rate there
was discovered to be much lower than in
America; herein lies the paradox.
Anti-Cancer & Coronary Benefits
Moderate consumption of red wine on
a regular basis may be a preventative
against coronary disease and some
forms of cancer. The chemical
components thought to be responsible
are catechins, also known as flavanoids
and related to tannins . Catechins are
believed to function as anti-oxidants,
preventing molecules known as "freeradicals" from doing cellular damage.
One particular form of flavinoid, called
oligomeric procyanidin, recently proved
to prevent hardening of the arteries.
There are also compounds in grapes
and wine (especially red wine, grape
juice, dark beers and tea, but absent in
white wine, light beers and spirits) called
resveratrol and quercetin. Clinical and
statistical evidence and laboratory
studies have shown these may boost the
immune system, block cancer formation,
and possibly protect against heart
disease and even prolong life.
Continued on next page
Continued from previous page
One recent study, published in the
2004 year-end edition of the American
Journal of Physiology, indicates that
resveratrol also inhibits formation of a
protein that produces a condition called
cardio fibrosis, which reduces the heart's
pumping efficiency when it is needed
most, at times of stress. More evidence
suggests that wine dilates the small
blood vessels and helps to prevent
angina and clotting. The alcohol in wine
additionally helps balance cholesterol
towards the good type.
Research is ongoing and it is a mistake
for anyone to radically change their
consumption
pattern
based
on
preliminary data. A study of obese mice
showed that doses of resveratrol
prolonged their life spans, but for a
human to duplicate this prescription
using wine, he would to drink over 250
gallons per day!
Fountain Of Youth?
A Harvard study of factors that
influence aging, as reported in the May 8,
2003, issue of the journal Nature, has
shown that resveratrol extends the life
span of yeast cells by 80%. Preliminary
results of tests on multi cellular animals
are said to be encouraging; study coauthor David Sinclair told Reuters News
Agency that "Not many people know
about it yet, but those who do have
almost invariably changed their drinking
habits, that is, they drink more red wine."
Wine might even preserve cognitive
function in the elderly. Several European
studies have shown the prophylactic
effects of regular light to moderate
alcohol consumption may include the
or
postponement
of
prevention
Alzheimer's, Parkinson's and other forms
of dementia. Could wine be the original
brain food?
Digestive Prophylaxis
A study published in January,
2003, in the American Journal of
Gastroenterology showed that moderate,
regular consumption of wine or beer
decreases the risk of peptic ulcers and
may help to rid the body of the bacteria
suspected of causing them. Interestingly,
both over-consumption, especially of
beer, and any regular consumption of
spirits at all, even at a low level, seemed
to increase the ulcer risks.
The Harvard School of Public Health
conducted a 14-year study of over
100,000 women, aged 25 to 42, from 14
states. The Nurses Health Study required
participants to complete a questionnaire
every two years, detailing lifestyle
choices and diagnoses of any medical
conditions.
The
subjects
were
categorized into three levels of alcohol
consumption. After factoring in such
variables as family histories of diabetes
and smoking habits, the study found that
women who drank regularly and
moderately (one or two drinks per day, a
total of 15 to 30 grams of alcohol) had a
58% lower likelihood of developing
diabetes. Both those levels that drank
more or that drank less had a 20% lower
risk than either abstainers or former
drinkers. When preferences for types of
alcohol were compared, those who chose
beer and wine shared similar levels of
risk, but those in who drank spirits and
consumed more than 30 grams per day
had a 150% higher risk to develop
diabetes than even non-drinkers.
Other medical studies point to multiple
benefits of regular moderate wine
drinking that may include lowered risks of
stroke, colorectal tumors, skin and other
types of cancers, senile dementia, and
even the common cold, as well as reduce
the effects of scarring from radiation
treatments.
Officially
The official recommendation in the
1995 Dietary Guidelines for Americans,
Fourth Edition, published by the U.S.
Food and Drug Administration, is "Advice
for today: if you drink alcoholic
beverages, do so in moderation, with
meals, and when consumption does not
put you or others at risk." This is a rather
weak and passive permission, rather than
the ringing endorsement moderate wine
consumption deserves, according to the
vast majority of medical and scientific
evidence. It is, however, a progressive
leap from the 1990 Guidelines, which
said, "wine has no net health benefit",
which is the contemporary scientific
equivalent of saying "the earth is flat".
Cautions
On the other hand, wine is not a cureall and not everyone should drink wine.
There are also circumstances when no
one should drink any alcohol. When
combined with certain over-the-counter
or prescription drugs, for example,
alcohol in any form can produce an
adverse reaction (see the 5th paragraph
Continued on next page
August 2008
•
7
Continued from previous page
under "Headaches" below). Wine should
not be given to people with inflammations
of the digestive tract, peptic ulcers, liver
disease, pancreatitis, kidney or urinary
infections, prostate disorders, epilepsy,
or alcoholism. As previously mentioned,
pre-menopausal women with a family
history of breast cancer should abstain
from drinking any alcohol, including wine.
Sulfites exist in nature and are also
naturally contained in or even added to
preserve a very long list of many common
foods, including wine, cheese, yogurt and
other processed dairy, bread and baked
goods, tortillas, dried fruits, dried spices,
shellfish, dried seafood, canned, bottled,
or frozen fruits and juices, jams and
jellies, tofu and other soy protein
products, packaged pasta or rice mixes,
etc.. The human body actually produces
about 1 gram of sulfites daily through
normal metabolism.
About 1% of the general population
and about 5% of asthma sufferers may
react to sulfites. Symptoms commonly
include restricted breathing ability to
varying degrees from mild to severe, even
life-threatening, especially in asthmatics
prescribed to steroids. Skin rashes, hives,
itching and nausea are relatively rare
symptoms for sulfite allergy. Reactions
depend on both the sensitivity of the
individual and the level of sulfites
ingested. Headaches are not a symptom
of sulfite reaction, although this is a
common folk tale (see next section).
Foods may legally contain sulfites at
levels ranging from 6 to 6,000 parts per
million. The legal maximum for wine is
350 ppm, but the average content in
premium wine is under 40 ppm. White
wines are generally higher in sulfites than
red wines. Inexpensive wines generally
have higher sulfur content than expensive
wines. There are no wines that are entirely
sulfite-free, even those labeled "organic".
The best advice is to waste no time
thinking about sulfites, unless your
personal physician has warned you
against them.
Headaches, affecting some people
during or after consuming wine, may
result from individual reactions to one or
more of wines' natural compounds.
Although clinical trials have produced
inconsistent results, red wine is
suspected by some sufferers to trigger
migraine headaches.
Some clinical evidence had shown that
phenolic flavanoids (the same ones that
provide
anti-oxidant
benefits),
a
component in grape skins related to
tannins, to be the most probable culprits.
8
•
August 2008
Red wine has a much higher content than
white wine of both tannins and
flavanoids.
In September, 2006, UC Davis
Professor David Mills announced his
research in the field of genetic mapping
indicates that slightly modified amino
acids in red wine are responsible for the
headaches. Professor Mills says slight
changes in fermentation techniques will
be able to solve the problem.
Chemicals called amines either dilate
(histamines) or constrict (tyramines)
blood vessels in the brain, either of which
may cause headaches in a small segment
of the population. Aged and fermented
foods such as cheese, sauerkraut,
salami, and sourdough bread are high in
histamines. Although both red and white
wines contain histamines, reds generally
have higher content, especially low-acid
reds made from grapes grown in warmer
areas. Chocolate, vanilla, beans, nuts,
bananas, cultured products like cheese
and yogurt and fermented products,
especially dark beer, soy sauce and red
wine are all significant sources of
tyramines. Taking antihistamine drugs,
either before or after consuming, won't
prevent or cure headaches.
The use of either aspirin or
acetaminophen (the active ingredient in
Tylenol) either before of after alcohol
consumption can seriously damage the
lining of the stomach and should be
avoided.
The
combination
of
acetaminophen and ethanol causes liver
damage, so the former should never be
used to treat hangover symptoms. The
only way to prevent a hangover is to
avoid consuming too much alcohol. One
good habit to develop is to match every
glass of wine or drink with one full glass
of water. Alcohol depletes electrolytes
from the body and brain, so "sports"
drinks can help also. The worst possible
hangover "cure" is "hair of the dog",
since hangover is merely the winkywinky, socially-tolerant slang term to
describe episodic alcoholism withdrawal.
Overindulgence is potentially the worst
health problem of consuming wine or any
alcoholic beverage. Drinking too much
ethanol at one time will cause headaches,
nausea, and other symptoms for anyone,
regardless of individual tolerance to other
compounds in wine. Drinking too much or
too fast leads to loss of control and
judgment. A couple of glasses of wine
may help relaxation and lower blood
pressure, but four or more raises blood
pressure to a level of concern. Alcohol
enters the bloodstream while it passes
from the stomach to the small intestine
and continues to the liver which uses an
enzyme called dehydrogenase to break
down and eliminate alcohol from the
body. Evidence suggests factors of body
size, muscle mass, food intake, gender,
and experience affect one's capacity to
resist drunkenness to some degree. On
average, a healthy human can metabolize
one-half ounce of alcohol per hour. The
best rule is to not consume more than
one drink (4 ounces of table wine) per
hour, regardless of size, sex, or a full
stomach.
Practiced
in
moderation
and
consumed with food at mealtime, wine
drinking may develop cultural and
sociological patterns that actually help to
prevent alcoholism. The vast majority of
healthy people may enjoy wine regularly
and moderately as a pleasure that
supports and prolongs a gracious life.
August 2008
•
9
Fitness
BY SCOTT HAYWARD
Cardio
Which Cardiovascular Intensity is Most Effective Fat Loss
Megan Geiger
Photo courtesy of Southside Athletic Club
C
ontinuing with our summer
series of fat loss truths, this
month we will look at
cardiovascular
training
intensity and how it pertains to effective
fat loss. I think that everyone will agree
that cardiovascular training is a crucial
element in the battle of the bulge.
However, just as much confusion lies in
what intensity and how long the intensity
should be continued when performing
your cardio workouts. So, this brings us
to the question at hand – which intensity
is best for fat loss? Low intensity long
duration, high intensity short duration or
an interval type of training.
First off, let’s look at the three
aforementioned variations in intensity and
durations.
For years the standard edict was low
intensity long duration. The reasoning
behind this is that at 60-70% of your
maximum heart rate (calculated by
subtracting your age from 220), you burn
10
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August 2008
a larger percentage of fat calories to
perform the activity. This sounds good; a
large % of calories used come from fat,
do your cardio for 45 – 60 minutes and in
no time you are ready for the beach.
Right? Not so fast my friend. You do
consume by far the largest % of calories
used for the activity from fat stores, but
the larger percentage is of actually a
relatively small number. Would you like to
have 80% of one hundred dollars, or 10%
of a million dollars? So with this logic, we
can’t just look at the higher percentage
as a final measuring stick.
The second intensity level and
duration is high intensity shorter duration.
We are talking about a heart rate that
equates to 80-90% of maximum
heart rate for an activity that lasts
approximately 25-30 minutes.
This
moves quickly from the aerobic (with
oxygen) status to an anaerobic (without
oxygen present) classification. I know
what you are thinking; “If you aint got no
oxygen, you can’t burn no fat, capice” (all
you Tony Sopranos wannabes). Well to
an extent you are right. You will not use
a
considerable
amount
of
fat
(triglycerides) for the production of
energy when you are in an anaerobic
state. However, you will still manufacture
some of your energy from fat without
oxygen present (remember, all three
energy systems are constantly working,
albeit in different ratios and proportions.
Based upon the intensity and duration of
the activity.) So in this scenario we still
manufacture some energy from fat,
however it is a smaller %. Get this; it is a
smaller % of an overall larger number.
Would you like to have 80% of one
hundred dollars, or 10% of a million
dollars? Count me in for the 10% of a
cool mill, and you? Sounds like we
solved the case, not so fast my friend, we
aren’t done yet.
What if in this third scenario we took
the best of both the intensities already
mentioned and morphed them into one.
A period of time of high intensity, followed
by a recovery period of a low intensity.
This sounds like it could be it. You get an
overall larger number of calories than low
intensity long duration, and you get the
benefit of using a large degree of calories
from the body’s fat stores (triglycerides)
during the low intensity portions. An
added benefit of this type of interval
training is that your body will use more
overall calories throughout the day, as it
takes time to downshift from the back
and forth of intensities and you burn more
calories even after the activity concludes.
This has to be the answer, right?
I may have forgotten to mention one
crucial element in all of this. Your body
adapts very quickly to cardiovascular
activity. The reason is this; your body is
constantly searching for a point of
homeostasis (or evenness). To be more
to the point, your body is perfectly happy
with the fat stores you have saddled it
with. Even though personally I don’t
believe in it, our bodies function under
the premise of evolution. It doesn’t know
that there is a burger joint, pizza joint or
Primanti’s on every street corner, it still
thinks that we have to hunt, fish and
gather for our food. So it is constantly
looking to keep any fat stores for an
impending famine. The second part of
this is that since the body adapts very
quickly to cardio, it becomes more
efficient at performing the activity. After
time and time again of being exposed to
your 45 minute run at 10:00 / mile, the
readout on the treadmill that states 400
calories used for your run (which is never
100% accurate anyway), is nowhere near
400 calories. Your body has adapted by
becoming more efficient at performing
that activity at that intensity for that time.
So the 400 calories used on the readout
is now really like 300 calories. As I am
sure you would agree, not a very
desirable effect for fat loss.
The answer lies in variety. In order to
keep your body in a constant fat burning
state, vary your training intensities
between the three described in this
article. Do some of your cardio sessions
at a low intensity for a long duration (45 60 minutes), perform some sessions at a
very high intensity for a short duration
(25-30 minutes) and finally some
sessions should be devoted to
performing intervals, varying higher
intensity with a recovery period of lower
intensity for approximately 30 minutes.
For example, for Monday’s cardiovascular
workout perform 45 - 60 minutes at a
low intensity level, on Wednesday’s
cardiovascular session go full tilt for
25 - 30 minutes and for Friday’s session
perform your intervals, switching
between high intensity with low intensity
recovery periods. Varying the training
intensities each time you have a
cardiovascular workout will keep your
body from becoming a stagnant and less
effective fat burner and you will be
shredded in no time.
Scott Hayward is a certified advanced personal
trainer, sports nutrition specialist and a certified
strength coach. His fat loss techniques have
been showcased on B94 FM and 660 AM
radio. His newest book “ABSESSION …
America’s Guide to the Ultimate Six Pack” will
be released later on this year and he is
currently writing “Get FITT America, How to
become your own Personal Trainer”. He
currently trains clients at South Side Athletic
Club. He can be reached at 412.488.1120 or
at pittsburghpersonaltrainer@yahoo.com.
August 2008
•
11
Music
BY TRISH IMBROGNO
Summer Music Festival!
American Eagle Outfitters brings live music to the South Side
A
merican Eagle Outfitters, Inc.
will hold a two-day summer
music festival at the South
Side Works complex on Friday,
August 8 and Saturday, August 9. The
New American Music Union festival,
hosted by Red Hot Chili Peppers’ front
man Anthony Kiedis, combines some of
the most innovative and popular artists
with 15 of the country's best college
bands. The lineup includes Bob Dylan
and His Band, The Raconteurs, Gnarls
Barkley, The Roots, Spoon, The Black
Keys, Black Mountain, The Duke Spirit,
NASA and Tiny Masters of Today and
more.
American Eagle Outfitters created this
festival to give college bands a national
platform and the opportunity to share the
stage with the artists that most inspire
them. "Music is a defining influence in
our customers' lives," said Kathy Savitt,
executive vice president and chief
marketing officer, American Eagle
Outfitters, Inc. "We're excited to offer AE
customers the opportunity to see today's
best musicians--both professionals and
college acts -- at a price that's unheard of
for a summer festival of this caliber."
"If you could go to any concert in the
world, what would it be?" Anthony Kiedis
asked himself when he set out to create
the lineup for the New American Music
Union festival. "My experience tells me
that concerts can be life changing. That is
how I approached putting this lineup
together. The thrill of seeing Bob Dylan
next to The Raconteurs next to Gnarls
Barkley next to The Roots is reason for us
all to celebrate. Music is still the most
inspiring creative force that I know of and
this seemed like a prime opportunity to
let it shine. Add to this the fact of a
generously low ticket price and that it all
takes place in the streets of Pittsburgh
and we have the most rocking block party
of the summer."
In addition to the national touring lineup, the following college bands have
been invited to participate: Bears (Kent
State University), Flying Machines (The
New School), Gospel Gossip (Carleton
College), Magic Bullets (College of San
Mateo), Math the Band (University of
Massachusetts Dartmouth), My Dear
12
•
August 2008
Disco (University of Michigan), Nothing
Unexpected (Robert Morris University),
The Black Fortys (University of Southern
Illinois), The Company Kang (Whitman
College),
The
Delicious
(Indiana
University), The Depreciation Guild (New
York University), The Elizabethan Report
(Brigham Young University), The French
Horn Rebellion (Northwestern University),
The Royal Bangs (University of
Tennessee) and The Steps (University of
Texas Austin).
College band performances will be
judged by music industry influencers,
journalists and fellow musicians. The
winning college band will receive a fullday recording session in a top Los
Angeles studio valued at $10,000.
American Eagle will support the winning
college band by promoting its recording
on its website and in its stores across the
country.
The New American Music Union
includes two stages, a main stage and a
free 2nd stage featuring the nation's top
college bands. The festival begins at 5:00
pm on Friday and at 11:00 am on
Saturday. Both nights conclude at 11:00
pm.
Throughout the festival there will be
local artists highlighting the diversity and
vibrant personalities of Pittsburgh. There
will also be new film debuts playing in the
SouthSide Works movie theater from upand-coming Hollywood directors as well
as some independent films.
In addition to music, food, art and film,
the New American Music Union will also
feature educational and entertainment
opportunities from national non-profits,
voter registration, and brand experiences.
Following the lead of the Three Rivers
Arts Festival this summer, the Festival has
numerous greening initiatives, including
clean water fill-up station, recycling for
glass, plastic and metals, Eco-friendly
concession materials, biodegradable
paper goods and more!
Tickets
are
available
through
Ticketmaster. Student tickets are an
affordable $25, general admission (nonstudent) tickets are $49.50. All ticket
purchases receive a free festival t-shirt.
Fore more information about the
festival, visit www.ae.com.
August CD Releases
5 August Tuesday
Joseph Arthur - All You Need Is Nothing
Closure In Moscow –The Penance &
The Patience EP
Faint – Fasciinatiion
Ernie Halter Starting Over Digital
Hawthorne Heights – Fragile Future
LL Cool J – Exit 13
Mike Mangione – Tenebrae
Randy Newman – Randy Newman
Ne-Yo – Year of the Gentleman
Conor Oberst – Conor Oberst
There For Tomorrorw – There For
Tomorrow EP
8 August Friday
Fear and the Nervous System
[Title TBA]
Sunny Day Sets Fire – Summer Palace
12 August Tuesday
Zach Hill
Astrological Straits
Jonas Brothers – A Little Bit Longer
Ben Weaver – The Axe and the Oak
19 August Tuesday
Strawberry Weed –Caesars
Earth To the Dandy Warhols – The
Dandy Warhols
Fiery Furnaces – Remember Live CD
Juliana Hatfield – How to Walk Away
Human Highway – Moody Motorcycle
Lykke Li – Youth Novels
MakeUpBreakUp – We Prefer Not To...
Perhapst – Perhapst
Nelly – Brass Knuckles
Staind – The Illusion of Progress
Starling Electric – Clouded Staircase
Straight Line Stitch – [Title TBA]
System and Station – A Nation of Actors
T.I.– Paper Trail
The Verve – Forth
The Walkmen – You And Me
26 August Tuesday
Blues Traveler – North Hollywood
Shootout Cordero – De Donde Eres
DragonForce – Ultra Beatdown
Missy Elliott – Block Party
Solange Knowles – Sol-Angel and The
Hadley Street Dreams
Slipknot – All Hope Is Gone
breathe
YOGA
STUDIO
www.breathe-yogastudio.com
412/481.YOGA (9642)
1113 East Carson Street 3rd Floor - Historic South Side
August 2008
•
13
On Stage
BY NIGHTWIRE
Jesse McCartney and Jordin Sparks Summer Tour
As the hottest young stars of summer 2008, Jesse
McCartney and 19 Entertainment/Jive Records recording artist
Jordin Sparks will share the stage in a co-headlining tour
“JESSE & JORDIN LIVE.” Both artists already share platinumselling status and hit songs, with Jesse’s “Leavin’” and Jordin’s
“Tattoo” and “No Air, ” her duet with pop star Chris Brown. The
North American tour will visit 16 major cities, kicking off in
Sacramento, CA on August 5.
Jesse, now 21 years old, has transformed from the pop
stardom of his teen years to solo success as a singer/songwriter
on his newly released R&B-flavored album “Departure.” He also
co-penned Leona Lewis' hit "Bleeding Love,” now a #1 single
worldwide. Says Jesse, “Jordin has the most incredible voice.
She’s one of those pure talents you don’t see a lot of in this
business. I can’t wait to get out there with her.” Just before
kicking off the tour, Jesse will be performing his hit song
"Leavin'" on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno. Previously a
multiple winner of Teen Choice Awards, Jesse Is nominated this
year for Choice Summer Song and Choice Artist, Male.
In 2007, Jordin became the youngest American Idol winner.
The 18-year-old is enjoying unprecedented success with the
debut of her self-titled album released last year, which is rapidly
approaching platinum sales. Says Jordin, “I am really excited to
be going out and sharing the stage with someone as talented as
Jesse McCartney. He brings a soulful voice, heart of gold and
his good looks to the stage every night and I cant wait to share
it with him.” She recently garnered recognition with an NAACP
Image Award for Outstanding New Artist as well as a BET Award
for her smash hit single "No Air" featuring Chris Brown. She also
just received three teen Choice Awards Nominations including
Choice Breakout Artist!
Jesse McCartney and Jordin Sparks
Summer Tour 2008 - Sunday August 24th
Benedum Center
Tickets On Sale Now!!!
$49.50 & $39.50 - Tickets available at pgharts.org, the
Benedum Box Office, and charge by phone at
412-456-6666.
14
•
August 2008
August 2008
•
15
Dining
BY SUZ PISANO
Tandoor
XXXXXX
Y
ou know how much the
Nightwire crew loves ethnic
restaurants & I can’t wait to
tell you about the newest
and hottest Indian restaurant in town…
Tandoor in Oakland. Just a few months
old, this place is sure to be a favorite in
no time! If you’ve never tried Indian foodyou absolutely have to give Tandoor a try.
Upon entering the restaurant you might
not notice the décor but you will notice
the enticing smells coming from the
kitchen. If you’re lucky, Gretchen will
seat you & provide you with awesome
service as she describes menu items and
serves Tandoor food with pleasure. The
servers are very knowledgeable about the
food and can make great suggestions.
This is a very traditional Indian restaurant
that boasts a huge Indian clientele. I’ll
give you some insight as to why- the
owner’s father is a very renowned Indian
caterer who has provided delicious Indian
food to his community for over 20 years.
Like I said, the cuisine at Tandoor is
authentic.
We began our delightful evening with a
16
•
August 2008
few appetizer selections including my
favorite the Samosa’s ($2) flaky pastry
filled with potatoes, peas & mildly spiced.
A perfect accompaniment is the
homemade tamarind sauce, a sweet and
tangy sauce. We also tried two different
kinds of Pakora- Vegetable ($3) which
consist of mixed vegetables dipped in
garam flour & deep fried. The Paneer
Pakora ($5) is deep fried homemade
cheese marinated and spiced. The
Pakora was light, fulfilling and is also a
great appetizer offering served with a
homemade yogurt sauce. This is how I
knew our crew was in for a treateverything is so fresh at Tandoor the
homemade is blatantly obvious. The
sauces were so delicious we wanted to
eat them with a spoon! At this point in
our dining adventure, I couldn’t wait to try
some more. Something unexpected
arrived at our table- Tandoori Wings
($4.5/6 & $7.5/12). A tandoor clay oven
makes the wings amazing and the
seasoning is perfect. Try some tamarind
sauce on the side & you'll be fulfilled. The
Chicken Tikka also made in the tandoor
certainly deserves a description- tender
marinated chicken right out of the oven,
only the oven is clay and maintains
moisture extraordinarily well. We also
tried the Chapli Kabob ($8) lamb patties
pan fried with special spices. Now I love
a good lamb burger but these are a must
in my appetizer ordering thought process.
The mint yogurt served with the garlicky
lamb patties added creamy deliciousness
to the lamb.
Tandoor does have some interesting
menu offerings like Chicken Tikka Salad
($7), Seekh Kabob Salad ($7), Shrimp
Kabob Salad ($7); they even offer a
Tossed Salad ($5). Kathi Roll Wraps are
made with whole wheat and the Chicken
Tikka & Seekh fillings as well as Fish &
Paneer. The wraps are $6 and served
with French fries. These would be great
for a simple lunch.
Our hosts explained that all dishes
come served a traditional way with
onions on the side, cilantro and a dusting
of spices. Fresh breads from the tandoor
are also available. I recommend the garlic
but the plain & the onion were equally as
delicious. Indian breads are a must with your meal; they add a
nice palette to the spicy sauces. Chicken Tikka Masala ($8) was
presented with a generous plate of basmati rice and
we couldn’t wait to sample this restaurant favorite. Masala is a
wonderful combination of spices and the Tikka Masala has a
creaminess that is complimentary to the spice. The Channa
Masala ($7) is chickpeas and a vegetarian’s delight. I often
order this when I need a break from my carnivorous diet. I like
homemade yogurt on the side to cool down the spiciness and
at Tandoor you can order your dishes according to your liking.
There are many vegetarian entrees from which to choose at
Tandoor and they even use organic vegetables when available.
You may have noticed that the prices at Tandoor are very
reasonable. Well, check this out…. Every Tuesday – 11am until
10pm – dine in only they offer half off their main courses… what
an incredible deal and a great way to try something different!
Tandoor offers a delivery service within a 2 mile radius of their
Centre Avenue location. (Minimum delivery order is $9.) Plus
you can also order food through Wheel Deliver and
CampusFood.com. The restaurant is open everyday from 11am
until 10pm. Ethnic desserts & beverages are also available and
Tandoor is proud to offer an Indian Brunch from 11:30 to 3:00
on Saturdays & Sundays. The owners & staff are eagerly
awaiting the start of school and look forward to an influx of
college students while offering great, affordable, & healthy
Indian cuisine. Don’t worry mom & dad- this is not fast food.
Tandoor will treat your kids just like their own! I look forward to
taking my friends & family there for great & friendly service,
delicious and reasonably priced dishes. I think I’m ordering
delivery for lunch today! I love this job & bringing you new
places to try, especially when they’re this good! As always
dear Nightwire
Tandoor Indian Grill,
readers, tell ‘em
4519
Centre
Avenue, Pittsburgh PA
your friends at
15213.
Phone:
412.688.8383
Nightwire sent
FAX: 412.688.8388
you & go for
Website coming soon but you can
spicy!
Your
look them up at
palate will thank
www.tandoorpa.com.
you.
August 2008
•
17
Travel
BY BUDGET TRAVEL
15 Smart Travel Tips…
1. Dog trick: If your dog hates getting
into his dog carrier, find something that
they really loves, perhaps peanut butter
or some other special treat. Smear a little
peanut butter on the back wall of the
carrier, when your pet goes halfway in to
lick it just nudge his bottom in and
quickly close the door.
2. Scents sensibly: Fragrance beads
are a safe alternative to incense or
scented candles when you want to cover
up odors in hotel rooms or cruise-ship
cabins. Just pack them in a sealed
container and open the lid when you get
to your room.
3. Suit yourself: Scuba divers know how
difficult putting on a wet suit can be. Here
is a simple solution: Place a Ziploc bag
on your hand or foot before you slide it
into the suit's sleeve or leg. The smooth
surface of the bag helps you slip the wet
suit on easily.
4. Neighborhood watch: If you are
considering doing a house swap be sure
to ask for lots of photos—not just of the
interior and exterior of the place, but also
of the area around the house and the
front and back yards. Use Google Earth
to check out the neighborhood.
5. Pay as you go: Anytime you travel to
a country that has an exit tax put the cash
in an envelope labeled "exit money" and
keep it in your carry-on bag. This will
18
•
August 2008
save you from having to go to an ATM at
the last minute, and it ensures that you
will have the exact amount necessary to
leave.
6. Don't fly without wings: For lumbar
support on a long flight, use a pair of kids'
inflatable water wings. They're only $1
per pair at Wal-Mart, and they don't take
up much room in your carry-on.
7. Charge car: If you'll be driving in
Europe, you don't have to bring a
converter to charge your cell phone and
camera batteries. Before you leave the
States, buy an inexpensive inverter that
you can plug into the rental car's power
outlet. It'll convert the 12-volt DC car
power into the 120-volt AC you need for
charging.
8. Pass the power: We’re discovered
that battery-powered devices can vary
greatly in their need for fully charged
batteries. For example, even though your
camera identifies a pair of AA batteries as
dead, they still have enough power for
your flashlight. Then, when the flashlight
gets too dim, your travel clock will still run
on the batteries for months.
9. Frequent Flyer Account! Most people
know by now that you can keep your
frequent-flier account active by ordering
a magazine subscription through the
airline's program. If you don't need any
more magazines, you might consider
sending a subscription to someone in the
military who's based overseas. Soldiers
are always thrilled to get current reading
material from home.
10. DIY room service: If you hotel offers
free Wi-Fi and you have your laptop with
you, instead of trekking out again for
dinner, go to menupages.com and
looked up the menus of nearby
restaurants. You can search the site by
neighborhood and sort by the restaurants
that will deliver.
11. Alarming situation: If you want to
use your cell phone as an alarm clock on
vacation but don't plan to make calls,
turn off the wireless capabilities. You may
end up paying roaming fees in other
countries because you phone could be
trying to accessing the network.
12. Souvenir shopping:
When
vacationing save money on souvenirs,
tee shirts, beach towels and dresses by
shopping at local department stores, like
Ross Dress for Less, Target and Walmart.
They generally have a great selection and
very reasonable prices.
13. Go your own way:
If you are
planning on taking a cruise and the cruise
line offers to transport your family from
the airport to the port before your cruise,
be sure and ask for a fee quote. Then
search car-rental companies websites
and you can probably book a car for a
very reasonable rate. You could find that
even after paying for a car rental and a
week of parking, you could save more
than $120 by booking your own
transportation.
14. Sippy pup: When you're traveling
with your dog and you don't have a bowl
with you, fill a quart-size Ziploc bag with
water and hold it open on the ground to
make the water easy to drink.
15. Lost at sea? On a cruise to help you
find the exact door to your stateroom,
take along some balloons. Blow up a
balloon and tape it to the outside of the
door. That way you will never have any
trouble finding your room in the ship's
long hallways..
Summer Fun
Shenanigans
North Hills #1 Sports Bar and Largest Outdoor Patio!!
J
ust
when
we
thought
Shenanigan’s couldn’t get any
better… they went and out did
themselves by adding a new
huge outdoor patio. This summer oasis
is over 1000 square feet of summer fun
making it the largest outdoor patio in the
North Hills.
On the patio you will enjoy a whole
new experience. They have tastefully
furnished this outdoor get away with
color coordinated outdoor patio furniture,
patio tables with umbrella’s and crystal
clear outdoor overhead lights. The
wrought iron fencing, ceramic tile pillars
and the gorgeous landscaping give this
patio a truly unique look and feel. You’ll
feel like you are at a beach bar relaxing
and sipping your favorite drinks all while
enjoying the outdoors and listening to the
music.
Shenanigan’s
provides
outdoor
waitress service and you will truly love the
outdoor dining experience. If you haven’t
tried their new Pittsburgh Style menu,
you just don’t know what your missing.
Shenanigan’s offers a full menu ranging
from appetizers, sandwiches, salads and
pizza all fresh and made to order. Their
new Pittsburgh style sandwiches,
gourmet hot dogs and fresh cut French
fries are truly awesome!
This summer they are featuring 12
ounce Corona buckets for only $10.00 all
day everyday until midnight. Plus Mikes
Hard flavors are only $3.00. You’ll find
their drink prices and daily specials
extremely affordable. Plus they offer a
bring in your own mug special during the
Pirate games and Shenanigan’s will fill
any mug (up to 32 ounces) for only $1.50
with Moosehead draft beer. Plus they will
be offering a Steeler mug specials during
the Steeler games.
Weekly specials are Mondays - $2.00
Miller Lite Bottles and $1.50 Miller Lite
Drafts till midnight. Tuesdays - $1.50
Yuengling drafts till midnight and $2.00
Yuengling bottles 9pm – 11pm.
Wednesdays - $2.00 Bud Light bottles till
Midnight. Thursdays - $2.00 Yuengling
bottles till midnight and $2.50 Corona
bottles 9pm – 11pm. Fridays - $2.00
Coors Light bottles till midnight.
Saturday - $2.00 Miller Lite bottles till
midnight and Captain Morgan and coke
$2.25 from 9pm – 11pm. Sundays $2.00
Corona bottles till midnight.
Shenanigan’s
in the North Hills
2310 Babcock Blvd
Pittsburgh, 15237.
August 2008
•
19
Continued from page 4
business with this in mind.)
What do you see yourself doing in
five years? Ten years?
(Consider: You are in control of your
future. Knowing what you want in the
future can help you build a business that
will make those dreams come true.)
Do you plan to create a growth
business or a lifestyle business? To what
size do you want your business to grow?
(Consider: A lifestyle business is
limited in size, but can be very
emotionally rewarding because it is built
to achieve the personal goals of the
entrepreneur. A growth business will
often put more demands on the
entrepreneur, but also
creates greater financial
rewards
when
the
entrepreneur is ready to
exit.)
Step
3:
Establish
financial criteria.
Entrepreneurship
offers varied financial
opportunities.
It
is
critical that you specify
the financial criteria that
will in part determine
whether you actually
start or continue your
business.
What level of income do you need to
cover
your
personal
financial
obligations?
(Consider: Complete a personal
budget to determine money needs and
uses.)
What level of income would you like
to reach in the future?
(Consider: Be realistic with this
figure. Sure, we would all like to be
billionaires. Consider your dreams, but
be reasonable as well.)
How much profit would you like the
business to produce?
(Consider: Profits are used to
support future growth and expansion of
the business. To what extent do you
want your business to grow, and how
much money will it take?)
How much money do you have to
invest?
(Consider: Most often, businesses
are started using money that the
entrepreneur already has. You will need
to invest your own funds as well as time.)
How much money do you believe
you can raise from outside sources?
(Consider: How much money do you
need from outside sources after your
own contribution? Often, outside
investors or lenders assess your level of
dedication to the business according to
the amount of money you have invested.)
Step 4: Write your personal vision
statement.
Based on the answers you gave to
the preceding questions, write a short
statement of your personal vision.
Was this exercise helpful? Find out
more about the FastTrac program by
contacting the Massey Center For
Business Innovation And Development
at Robert Morris University by calling
412-397-4000 or sending an e-mail to
mcbid@rmu.edu.
August 2008
•
21
Humor
BY NIGHTWIRE
Old Woman Driver
Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeders, a
State Policeman sees a car puttering along at 22 miles per
hour. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as
a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies two in the front and three in the back of the car - wide-eyed
and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to
him, "Officer, I don't understand; I was doing exactly the
speed limit! What seems to be the problem?" "Ma'am," the
officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know
that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger
to other drivers." "Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was
doing the speed limit exactly. Twenty-two miles an hour," the
old woman said proudly. The State Police officer, trying to
contain a chuckle, explains to her the "22" was the route
number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman
grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error. "But
before I let you go, Ma'am," the officer says, "I have to ask...Is
everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken
and they haven't uttered a single peep this whole time." "Oh,
they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route
119."
Boudreaux
Boudreaux decided that with all the STD's out there that it was
time to start having SAFE SEX. So he goes to the drug store
to buy some condoms and the girl behind the counter, is a girl
he had a crush on named Marie. He say's, Marie, I need to
buy some condoms please. She say's, ok Boudreaux, what
size condoms do you need, small, medium or large?
Boudreaux say's, Uhh, I don't know Marie, I've never
measured my penis before. Marie say's, well Boudreaux, I
gotta know what size to sell you cause if you have a little one
and I sell you a big it's not gonna fit. Boudreaux say's, well, I
don't know what to tell you Marie. Marie say's, Ok Boudreaux,
don't worry about it, we can take care of this. Just go in the
bathroom over there and lock the door. Then look on the toilet,
there are some girly magazines on it. You look at those till you
get your peter hard. Now when he's hard, turn around to the
back wall and there are 3 holes in the plywood. Marked S, M,
L. Try them out and tell me which one fits and I'll sell you the
right sized condom. Boudreaux say's, this is embarrassing,
but I need them so I guess I'll do it. So, as he goes into the
bathroom, Marie runs around the back wall and pulls her skirt
up and backs up against the S. Boudreaux doing as he is told,
lines up on the S and jabs at it, but it's too small. So as he
lines up on the M, Marie scoots over to the M also. He jabs at
it, but again, it's too is to small. So now, he's lining up on the
L and Marie is smiling as she scoots over to the L, He Jabs at
the L and it's a perfect fit, so he stays on it for a good 20
minutes. He gets done and Marie pulls her skirt down and runs
back to the counter. Boudreaux comes out and walks up to
the counter, and before he can say anything. Marie says with a
smile, "So Boudreaux, what size condom you want".
Boudreaux says, "Forget them condoms, give me three sheets
of that plywood over there........
22
•
August 2008
The Key
A man decided to march in the holy crusades. Concluding that
his wife should wear a chastity belt while he is gone, he locks
up her nether regions and gives the key to his best friend. He
tells him, 'If I do not return within four years, unlock my wife
and set her free to live a normal life.' So, the husband leaves
on horseback and about a half hour later, he sees a cloud of
dust behind him. He waits for it to come closer and sees his
best friend. 'What's wrong?' ' he asks.
'You gave me the wrong key!'
Wow...Blonde Joke
A guy enters bar carrying an alligator. Says to the patrons,
"Here’s a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my
genitals inside. The gator will close his mouth for one minute,
then open it, and I'll remove my unit unscathed. If it works,
everyone buys me drinks." The crowd agrees. The guy drops
his pants and puts his privates in the gator's mouth. Gator
closes mouth. After a minute, the guy grabs a beer bottle and
bangs the gator on the top of its head. The gator opens wide,
and he removes his genitals unscathed. Everyone buys him
drinks. Then he says: "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to
give it a try." After a while, a hand goes up in the back of the
bar. It's a blonde woman. "I'll give it a try," she says, "but you
have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer
bottle."
Older Women Are So Practical
After being married for 44 years, I took a careful look at my
wife one day and said, 'Honey, 44 years ago we had a cheap
apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a
10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with
a hot 21-year-old gal. Now I have a $500,000.00 home, a
$45,000.00 car, nice big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm
sleeping with a 65-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're
not holding up your side of things.' My wife is a very
reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 21year-old gal and she would make sure that I would once again
be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping
on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.
Aren't older women great??? They really know how to solve
your mid-life crises.
You Gotta Love the Irish!
Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had
an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.
Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you
find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the
rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!" Miraculously, a
parking place appeared. Paddy looked up again and said,
"Never mind, I found one.
Gallagher
Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was
dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died.
He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney. "Did you see the
paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!" "Yes, I saw it!"
replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?"
Father Murphy and O’Toole
Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the
first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?" The man
said, "I do, Father." The priest said, "Then stand over there
against the wall." Then the priest asked the second man, "Do
you want to go to heaven?" "Certainly, Father," was the man's
reply. "Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.
Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you
want to go to heaven?" O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father." The
priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when
you die you don't want to go to heaven?" O'Toole said, "Oh,
when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to
go right now."
Paddy was in New York
He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a
busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and
shouted, "Okay, pedestrians." Then he'd allow the traffic to
pass. He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on
the sidewalk. After the cop had shouted, "Pedestrians!" for the
tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, "Is it not about
time ye let the Catholics across?"
Irish Priest
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped
for speeding in Connecticut The state trooper smells alcohol
on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on
the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"
"Just water," says the priest. The trooper says, "Then why do I
smell wine?" The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good
Lord! He's done it again!"
Mike and Charlie
Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour
me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman."
"Oh yeah?" said Charlie, "And how did this one end?"
"When it was over," Mike replied, "She came to me on her
hands and knees. "Really," said Charles, "Now that's a switch!
What did she say?" She said, "Come out from under the bed,
you little chicken."
Another Blonde Joke
This blonde was walking down a road carrying a bag, when a
guy came along. The guy asks, ''What are you carrying?''
''Melons, '' the blonde replies. ''Cool," the guy says. "If I can
guess how many there are, can I have one of them?'' The
blonde giggles and says, ''If you can guess how many there
are, you can have BOTH of them.
Circumcision... At Your Age?
Two men are sharing a hospital room. "What are you in for?"
The first man says. "I'm getting a circumcision," his roommate
replies. "Damn," exclaims the first man, "I had that done when
I was born and I couldn't walk for a year!"
Refrigerator Man
A woman goes to a psychiatrist and says, ''Doctor, you've got
to do something about my husband -- he thinks he's a
refrigerator!'''I wouldn't worry too much about it,'' the doctor
replies. "Lots of people have harmless delusions. It will pass.''
''But you don't understand,'' the woman insists. ''He sleeps
with his mouth open, and the little light keeps me awake.''
August 2008
•
23
Humor
BY NIGHTWIRE
Little Bruce and Jenny
Interesting Trivia
Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they know
they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get
married, so Bruce goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her
hand. Bruce bravely walks up to him and says, 'Mr. Smith, me
and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in
marriage.' Thinking that this was just the cutest thing,! Mr.
Smith replies, 'Well Bruce, you are only 10. Where will you
two live?' Without even taking a moment to think about it,
Bruce replies, 'In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we
can both fit there nicely.' Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr.
Smith says with a huge grin, 'Okay then how will you live?
You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support
Jenny' Again, Bruce instantly replies, 'Our allowance. Jenny
gets five bucks a week and I get 10 bucks a week. That's
about 60 bucks a month and that should do us just fine.' Mr.
Smith is impressed Bruce has put so much thought into this.
'Well! l Bruce, it seems like you have everything figured out. I
just have one more question. What will you do if the two of
you should have little ones of your own?' Bruce just shrugs
his shoulders and says, 'Well, we've been lucky so far.' Mr.
Smith no longer thinks the little shit is adorable.
In the 1400's a law was set forth in England that a man was
allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb.
Hence we have 'the rule of thumb.'
––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––
Many years ago in Scotland , a new game was invented. It
was ruled 'Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden'...and thus the
word GOLF entered into the English language.
––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––
The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV
were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.
––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––
Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the U.S .
Treasury.
––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––
Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear
better.
––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––
In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed
frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress
tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the
phrase......... 'goodnight, sleep tight.'
––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––
It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that
for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply
his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a
honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this
period was called the honey month, which we know today as
the honeymoon.
––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––
In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old
England , when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell
at them 'Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down. It's
where we get the phrase 'mind your P's and Q's'
––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––
Many years ago in England , pub frequenters had a whistle
baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When
they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service.
'Wet your whistle' is the phrase inspired by this practice.
––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––
If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front
legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one
front leg in the air the person died as a result of wounds
received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground,
the person died of natural causes.
––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––
Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on
July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the
rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added
until 5 years later.
––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––
It is impossible to lick your elbow.
––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––
The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to
work: Alaska
––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––
24
•
August 2008
The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% (now get
this...)
––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––
The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%
––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––
The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $
16,400
––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––
The average number of people airborne over the U.S. In any
given hour: 61,000
––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––
Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––
The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.
––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––
The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National
Monuments.
––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––
Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king
from history: Spades - King David
Hearts – Charlemagne - Clubs -Alexander, the Great Diamonds - Julius Caesar
––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––
111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––
Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?. Their
birthplace
––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––
Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular
boat name requested?
Obsession
––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––
If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to
go until you would find the letter 'A'? A. One thousand
––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––
What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers,
and laser printers all have in common? . All were invented by
women.
––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––
What is the only food that doesn't spoil? A. Honey
––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––
Which day are there more collect calls than any other day of
the year? A. Father's Day
––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––
At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their
elbow!
––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––
8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you
didn't even have the first 20, 30 or 60 years of your life, is
now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.
10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting
your coffee.
11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )
12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to
share this with.
14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
15. You actually re-checked the list to make sure there wasn't
a #9 on this list.
New Computer
A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and
at the appropriate point in the process, she told him that he
would now need to enter a password. Something he could
remember easily and will use each time he has to log on. The
husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would
try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So
when the computer asked him to enter his password, he
made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in........
P...E..N...I...S...His wife fell off her chair laughing when the
computer replied: ***PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG
ENOUGH***
Juan
Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan
Gonzalez.’ How was he killed?' asked one detective. 'With a
golf gun,' the other detective replied. 'A golf gun?! What is a
golf gun?' 'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.
You Know You Are Living in 2008 When…
1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of
three.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family
is that they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone
to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries..
7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the
bottom of the screen
August 2008
•
25
Humor
BY NIGHTWIRE
Creation
A Man With No Ears
On the first day, God created the dog and said: 'Sit all day by
the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or
walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'
The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about
only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?' So God
agreed. On the second day, God created the monkey and
said: 'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For
this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.' The monkey said:
'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to
perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?' And
God agreed. On the third day, God created the cow and said:
'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and
suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the
farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty
years.' The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me
to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the
other forty?' And God agreed again. On the fourth day, God
created man and said: 'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your
life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.' But man said: 'Only
twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty
the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the
ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?' 'Okay,' said
God, 'You asked for it.' So that is why for our first twenty years
we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty
years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next
ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren.
And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at
everyone. Life has now been explained to you. There is no
need to thank Nightwire for this valuable information. We’re
doing it as a public service.
A man was in a bad accident and was injured. But the only
permanent damage he suffered was the loss of both ears,
which made him very self-conscious. However, he received a
large sum of money from his insurance company. It was
always his dream to own his own business, so he went out
and purchased a small, but expanding computer firm. But he
realized that he had no business knowledge at all, so he
decided that he would have to hire someone to run the
business. He picked out three top candidates, and interviewed
each of them. The last question of the interview was always
the same. "Do you notice anything unusual about me?" he
asked the first candidate. "Yes. You have no ears." He quickly
eliminated the first candidate. "Do you notice anything unusual
about me?" he asked the second candidate. "Yes. You have
no ears." He quickly eliminated the second candidate. "Do you
notice anything unusual about me?" he asked the third
candidate. "Yes. You're wearing contacts." Thinking he had
found the man for the job he said, "That's correct. How did
you know?" "You can't wear glasses if you don't have any
freakin' ears."
Two English Businessmen and an Irishman
Two English businessmen in London were sitting down for a
break in their soon-to-be new store. The store wasn't ready,
with only a few shelves set up. One said to the other,
"I bet any minute now some idiot tourist is going to walk by,
put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling." No
sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a
curious Irishman walked to the window ,had a peek, and in a
thick Irish accent asked "What might ye be selling' here?"
One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling ass-holes."
Without skipping a beat, the Irishman said, "You are doing very
well... only two left!" Englishmen - God bless them - should
not mess with the Irish.
Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A
Redneck Murder.
1. The DNA all matches.
2. There are no dental records.
Snoop Doggs Teeth...
How does Snoop Dogg keep his teeth white?
BLEEEEEE-YATCH!
26
•
August 2008
Old Lawyer
A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay,
there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St.
Peter. To his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and
came down the long line to where the lawyer was, and greeted
him warmly. Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the
lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line,
and into a comfortable chair by his desk. The lawyer said, "I
don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?"
St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which
you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be
about 193 years old!"
The Popular Mule
A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother,
who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. While
they were walking through the barn, the farmer's mule
suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head,
killing her instantly. At the funeral service a few days later, the
farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked
by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper
something to the farmer, he would nod his head "Yes" and say
something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the
farmer, he would shake his head, "No" and mumble a reply.
Curious, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all
about. The farmer replied, ''The women would say, 'What a
terrible tragedy' and I would nod my head and say, 'Yes, it
was.' The men would ask, 'You wanna sell that mule?' and I
would shake my head and say, 'Can't. It's all booked up for a
year.'"
Eagles and Weasels
Eagles may soar but weasels don't get sucked into jet
engines.
Two Prostitutes
Snoring Problem
Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of
their car which said: 'Two Prostitutes -- $50.00.' A policeman,
seeing the sign, Stopped them and told them they'd either
have to remove the sign Or go to jail. Just at that time,
another car passed with a sign saying: 'JESUS SAVES.' One
of the girls asked the officer, 'How come you don't stop
them?!' 'Well, that's a little different,' The officer smiled 'Their
sign pertains to religion.' The two ladies of the night frowned
as they took their sign down and drove off. The following day
found the same police officer In the area when he noticed the
two ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again.
Figuring he had an easy arrest he began to catch up with
them. When he noticed the new sign which now read: 'Two
Fallen Angels - Seeking Peter -- $50.00.'
A couple has a dog that snores. Annoyed because she cant
sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if she can help, the vet
tells the women to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles and
he will stop snoring. 'Yeah, right, she says. A few minutes after
going to bed, the dog begins snoring as usual. The wife tosses
and turns, unable to sleep. Muttering to herself, she goes to
the closet and grabs a piece of ribbon and ties it carefully
around the dog’s testicles. Sure enough, the dog stops
snoring. The women is amazed! Later that night, her husband
returns home drunk from being out with his buddies. He
climbs into bed, falls asleep, and begins snoring loudly. The
women thinks maybe the ribbon will work on him. So she goes
to the closet again, grabs a ribbon, and carefully ties it around
her husband's testicles. Amazingly, it also works on him! The
women sleeps soundly. The next morning, the husband waked
up hung over. He stumbles into the bathroom. As he stands in
front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a blue
ribbon to his privates. He is very confused, and as he walks
back into the bedroom, he sees a red ribbon attached to his
dog's testicles. He shakes his head and looks at the dog and
says, 'Boy, I don’t remember where we were or what we did, it
look like we got first and second place.'
Do You Suspect Your Wife Is Deaf?
A man feared his wife Peg wasn't hearing as well as she used
to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite
sure how to approach her; he called the family Doctor to
discuss the problem. The Doctor told him there is a simple
informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a
better idea about her hearing loss. 'Here's what you do,' said
the Doctor, 'stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a
normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If
not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a
response.' That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking
dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, 'I'm about
40 feet away, let's see what happens.' Then in a normal tone
he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?' No response. So the
husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his
wife and repeats, 'Peg, what's for dinner?' Still no response.
Next, he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet
from his wife and asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?' Again, he
gets no response. So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about
10 feet away. 'Honey, what's for dinner?' Again there is no
response. So he walks right up behind her. 'Peg, what's for
dinner? ’Frank, for the FIFTH DAMN TIME, CHICKEN!'
Just A Minute
A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how
long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?' The
agent replies, 'Just a minute...’ 'Thank you,' the blonde says,
and hangs up.
Johnny’s at it again
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology
courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who
thinks they're stupid, stand up!" After a few seconds, Little
Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're
stupid, Little Johnny?" "No, ma'am, but I hate to see you
standing there all by yourself!"
Cold Hands
Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter
vacation. When they get there, the guy goes out to chop some
wood. When he gets back, he says, 'Honey, my hands are
freezing!' She says, 'Well, put them here between my thighs
and that will warm them up.'After lunch he goes back out to
chop come more wood and comes back and says again,
'Man! my hands are really freezing!' She says again, 'Well, put
them here between my thighs and warm them up,' He does,
and again that warms them up. After dinner, he goes out one
more time to chop some wood to get them through the night.
When he returns, he says again, 'Honey, my hands are really,
really freezing!' She looks at him and says, 'For crying out
loud, don’t you ears ever get cold?'
August 2008
•
27
Humor
BY NIGHTWIRE
In The Dark
Different Way Of Looking At Things
A woman takes a lover home during the day while her
husband is at work. Her 9-year old son comes home
unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to
watch. The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her
lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there
already. The little boy says, 'Dark in here.' The man says, 'Yes,
it is.' Boy: 'I have a baseball.' Man: 'That's nice' Boy: 'Want to
buy it?' Man: 'No, thanks.' Boy: 'My Dad's outside.'Man: 'OK,
how much?' Boy: '$250' In the next few weeks, it happens
again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy: 'Dark in here.' Man: 'Yes, it is.' Boy: 'I have a baseball
glove.' The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy,
'How much?' Boy: '$750' Man: 'Sold.' A few days later, the
Dad says to the boy, 'Grab your glove, let's go outside and
have a game of catch.’ The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my
baseball and my glove.' The Dad asks, 'How much did you sell
them for?' Boy: '$1,000' The Dad says, 'That's terrible to over
charge your friends like that...that is way more than those two
things cost. I'm taking you to church, to confession.' They go
to the church and the Dad makes the little boy sit in the
confessional booth and closes the door. The boy says, 'Dark
in here.' The priest says, 'Don't start that s *** again; you're in
my closet now!
Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex,
marriage, and values. Stu said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife
before we got married, Did you? 'Leroy replied, 'I'm not sure,
what was her maiden name?'
––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––
A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did
my intelligence come from?'The father replied. 'Well son, you
must have got it from your mother, 'cause I still have mine.
––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––
Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce
Court Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a
week.' 'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And
every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself
––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––
A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the
Emergency Room, took the husband aside and said, 'I don't
like the looks of your wife at all.' 'Me neither doc,' said the
husband. 'But she's a great cook, and really good with the
kids.'
––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a
curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard
says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that
were used to put the curse on you.' The old man says without
hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'
A Potato Story
Well, Girl Potato and Boy Potato had eyes for each other, and
finally they got married, and had a little sweet potato, which
they called 'Yam.' Of course, they wanted the best for Yam.
When it was time, they told her about the facts of life. They
warned her about going out and getting half-baked, so she
wouldn't get accidentally mashed, and get a bad name for
herself like 'Hot Potato,' and end up with a bunch of Tater
Tots. Yam said not to worry; no Spud would get her into the
sack and make a rotten potato out of her! But on the other
hand she wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato
either. She would get plenty of exercise so as not to be skinny
like her Shoestring cousins. When she went off to Europe, Mr.
and Mrs. Potato told Yam to watch out for the hard-boiled
guys from Ireland. And the greasy guys from France called the
French Fries. And when she went out west, to watch out for
the Indians so she wouldn't get scalloped. Yam said she would
stay on the straight and narrow and wouldn't associate with
those high class Yukon Golds, or the ones from the other side
of the tracks who advertise their trade on all the trucks that
say, 'Frito Lay.' Mr. and Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho P.U.
(that's Potato University) so that when she graduated she'd
really be in the Chips. But in spite of all they did for her, oneday Yam came home and announced she was going to marry
Tom Brokaw. Tom Brokaw! Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very
upset. They told Yam she couldn't possibly marry Tom Brokaw
because he's just... A COMMONTATER
28
•
August 2008
Little Guy
There was a little dude and he walked into an elevator,
standing next to him was a huge dude. The huge dude turned
and said to the little dude...'before you ask me any questions
I'm gonna tell you the answers to what people usually ask
me...I'm 7'2', 375 lbs , 2 lbs left testicle, 2 lbs right testicle and
15' penis and my name is Turner Brown. ' then the little dude
looks at the big dude in horror and the big dude says, 'what’s
the matter?' all I did was tell you that I'm 7'2' 275 lbs, 2lbs left
testicle, 2 lbs right testicle, 15' penis and my name is Turner
Brown, ' and the little dude says...'Oh!! Thank god!! I thought
you said turn around!!!
Drunken Irwin
Irwin staggered home very late after another evening with his
drinking buddy, Jesse.. He took off his shoes to avoid waking
his wife, Mary. He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the
stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the
bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister,
his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A
whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the
landing especially painful. Managing not to yell, Irwin sprung
up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see
that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to
quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a BandAid as best he could on each place he saw blood. He then hid
the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and
stumbled his way to bed. In the morning, Irwin woke up with
searing pain in both his head and butt...and Mary staring at
him from across the room. She said, 'You were drunk again
last night weren't you?' Irwin said, 'Why you say such a mean
thing?' 'Well,' Mary said, 'it could be the open front door, it
could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could
be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be
your bloodshot eyes, but mostly.....it's all those Band-Aids
stuck on the hall mirror.
Frank Feldman
A man walked out of his office into a heavy rain that was
pelting a street in Mid-town Manhattan, congested with
pedestrians, and immediately was able to get a cab. "Perfect
timing," said the Cabbie. "You're just like Frank Feldman."
"Who?" "Frank Feldman. He's the guy who did everything
right. And had the right things happen to him. Like my coming
along when you needed a cab. Things like that always
happened to Frank." "You know," continued the Cabbie, "He
also was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam
at tennis. He could golf with the pros. And he had other
talents. He sang like an opera star. Danced like Fred Astaire.
And you should have heard him play the piano. " "Sounds like
he really was something special." "There's more. He had a
mind like a computer. Big earner. Remembered everybody's
birthday. Knew all about wine. Could fix anything. Not like me.
Frank Feldman, he could do everything right." "Wow, some
guy." "Yes, he was, " responded the Cabbie. "He also knew
how to treat a woman. He could make her feel good. He would
never answer her back, even if she was in the wrong. His
clothing was always immaculate; shoes highly polished too.
He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to
Frank Feldman." " How did you meet that amazing man?"
"Well, I never actually met Frank. I just married his freakin
widow."
August 2008
•
29
Humor
BY NIGHTWIRE
Alien Invaders
Two aliens landed in the West Texas desert near an
abandoned gas station. They approached one of the gas
pumps, and one of the aliens addressed it, "Greetings,
Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader." The gas
pump, of course, didn't respond. The alien repeated the
greeting. There was no response. The alien, annoyed by what
he perceived to be the gas pump's haughty attitude, drew his
ray gun, and said impatiently, "Greetings, Earthling. We come
in peace. How dare you ignore us in this way! Take us to your
leader, or I'll fire!" The other alien shouted to his comrade "No,
you don't want to make him mad!" But before he finished his
warning, the first alien fired. There was a huge explosion that
blew both of them 200 meters into the desert, where t hey
landed in a heap. When they finally regained consciousness,
the one who fired turned to the other one and said, "What a
ferocious creature. It damn near killed us! How did you know it
was so dangerous?" The other alien answered, "If there's one
thing I've learned during my travels through the galaxy...any
guy who can wrap his d*** around himself twice and then stick
it in his own ear, is someone you shouldn't mess with!"
Oops!
A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse
appears and asks him how he is feeling. 'I'm O. K. but I didn't
like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery,' he
answered. 'What did he say,' asked the nurse. 'OOPS'
The Duck and the Lawyer
A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Wairarapa .
He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on
the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the
fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him
what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and
it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it.." The old
farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming
over here." The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best
trial lawyers in New Zealand and, if you don't let me get that
duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own." The old
farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we
settle disputes in North Wairarapa . We settle small
disagreements like this with the 'Three Kick Rule.' The lawyer
asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?" The Farmer replied,
"Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first.
I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so
on back and forth until someone gives up." The lawyer quickly
thought about the proposed contest and decided that he
could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the
local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the
tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the
toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer's groin
and dropped him to his knees! His second kick to the midriff
sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer
was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end,
sent him face-first into a fresh cow pat. Summoning every bit
of his will and remaining strength the lawyer very slowly
managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of
his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can
have the duck.
Blonde and the Mail
A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive
blonde neighbor came out of the house and went straight to
the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed
back into the house. A little later she came out of her house
again, went to the mailbox and again opened it, and slammed
it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went. As the
man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out again,
marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed
harder than ever. Puzzled by her actions the man asked her,
“Is something wrong?” To which she replied, “There certainly
is!” My stupid computer keeps saying, “You’ve got mail!”
Snow White
Of all the luck, I rear-ended a car this morning. We both pull
over to the side of the road. So I get out of my car to check
the damage and slowly the other driver gets out of his car and
you know how you just-get-so-stressed and even bad
situations seem to get funny? Yeah, well, I could NOT believe
it....... The Guy was a DWARF! no kidding - an honest-to-God
midget! He storms over to my car, looks up at me and says, "I
AM NOT HAPPY!" So, I look down at him and say, "Well then,
which one are you?” And that's when the fight started!
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August 2008
Italian Tomato Garden
An old Italian man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig
his tomato garden, but it was very hard work as the ground
was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in
prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his
predicament. Dear Vincent, I am feeling pretty bad because it
looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year.
I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know
if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would
be happy to dig the plot for me. Love, Dad. A few days later,
the old man received a letter from his son. Dear Dad, Don't
dig up that garden. That's where I buried the bodies. Love,
Vinnie. At 4 the next morning, FBI agents and local police
arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies.
They apologized to the old man and left. That same day, the
old man received another letter from his son. Dear Dad, go
ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do
under the circumstances. Love you, Vinnie Ciao
Work or Pleasure
A Marine Colonel commanding an infantry regiment was about
to start a morning briefing with his subordinates, battalion
commanders, company commanders, and their staff. While
waiting for the coffee to finish brewing, he decided to pose a
question to all assembled. He explained that his wife had been
a bit frisky the night before and, thus, he failed to get his usual
amount of sound sleep. He then asked how much of sex was
'work' and how much of was 'pleasure.' The discussion went
like this: The Regiment's executive officer, a Major, chimed in
with 75-25% in favor of work. A Company commander, a
Captain, said it was 50-50%. The Colonel's aide, a First
Lieutenant and a bachelor, responded with 25-75% in favor of
pleasure, depending on the state of inebriation of those
involved. There being no consensus, the Colonel sought the
opinion of the only enlisted man in the room, an 18-year-old
private first class (PFC) who was in charge of making the
coffee. Without hesitation, the PFC responded, "Sir, it has to
be 100% pleasure." The Colonel, surprised at his rapidity of
response asked, "Why?""Well, Sir," began the PFC, "if there
was any work involved, you officers would have me doing it for
you." The room fell silent.
and, after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed
her passionately. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as
though in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and
said, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week.
Can you do this?” The husband thought for a moment and
replied,.. "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and
Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish."
Interview With An 80 Year Old Woman
An 80-year-old lady was being interviewed by the local news
station because she had gotten married - for the fourth time.
The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what
it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new
husband's occupation. "He's a funeral director," she
answered. "Interesting," the newsman thought. He then asked
her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three
husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few
moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a
short time, a smile came to her face and she answered
proudly, explaining that she'd first married a banker in her
early 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, later on a
preacher when in her 60's, and now in her 80's, a funeral
director. The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and
asked her why she had married four men with such diverse
careers.She smiled and explained, "I married one for the
money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."
Moe and Joe
Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.' Joe: 'Really?'
Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in hell.'
Walkman
A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen
shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind
of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle.
Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she
whacked him with a handyplank of wood, breaking his arm in
two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening
to his Walkman.
The Marriage Counselor
A husband and wife came for counseling after 15 years of
marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went
into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had
ever had in the 15 years they had been married. She went on
and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness,
loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list
of un-met needs she had endured over the course of their
marriage. Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient
length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk
Etna
338 Butler St.
Pittsburgh PA 15223
412.784.TAT2
South Side
1410 E. Carson St.
Pittsburgh PA 15203
412.488.TATS
August 2008
•
31
Humor
BY NIGHTWIRE
Whoever Said History Was Boring?
"Next time you're washing your hands and the water
temperature isn't just how you like it, think about how things
used to be. Here are some facts about the 1500s.Most people
got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May
and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they were
starting to smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide
the body odor. Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot
water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean
water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and
finally the children -- last of all the babies. By then the water
was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the
saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the bath water."
Houses had thatched roofs -- thick straw -- piled high, with no
wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get
warm, so all the dogs, cats and other small animals (mice,
bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and
sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof -- hence
the saying "It's raining cats and dogs." There was nothing to
stop things from falling into the house. This posed a real
problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings
could really mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with
big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some
protection. That's how canopy beds came into existence. The
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August 2008
floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt,
hence the saying "dirt poor." The wealthy had slate floors that
would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread
thresh (straw) on the floor to help keep their footing. As the
winter wore on, they kept adding more thresh until when you
opened the door it would all start slipping outside. A piece of
wood was placed in the entranceway, hence, a "thresh hold."
In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle
that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and
added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did
not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner,
leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start
over the next day. Sometimes the stew had food in it that had
been there for quite awhile. Hence the rhyme, "peas porridge
hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days
old." Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them
feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang
up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man
"could bring home the bacon." They would cut off a little to
share with guests and would all sit around and "chew the fat."
Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with a
high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the
food, causing lead poisoning and death. This happened most
often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes
were considered poisonous. Most people did not have pewter
plates, but had trenchers, a piece of wood with the middle
scooped out like a bowl. Often trenchers were made from
stale bread which was so old and hard that they could be
used for quite some time. Trenchers were never washed and a
lot of times worms and mold got into the wood and old bread.
After eating off wormy, moldy trenchers, one would get "trench
mouth." Bread was divided according to status. Workers got
the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and
guests got the top, or "upper crust." Lead cups were used to
drink ale or whiskey. The combination would sometimes knock
them out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the
road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial.
They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days
and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait
and see if they would wake up. Hence the custom of holding a
"wake." England is old and small and the local folks started
running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up
coffins and would take the bones to a "bone-house" and reuse
the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins
were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they
realized they had been burying people alive. So they thought
they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it
through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a
bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night
(the "graveyard shift") to listen for the bell; thus, someone
could be "saved by the bell" or was considered a "dead
ringer."
It Could Have Been Worse
There once was a Sheriff who, no matter what the situation,
always said, "It could have been worse" after viewing the
scene of the crime. It drove his two Deputies absolutely crazy.
One day, the two Deputies in the Sheriff's Office answered an
emergency call at a farmhouse. When they walked in, they
found the nude bodies of a man and a woman in the bedroom.
They both had been shot to death. When the deputies went to
the living room, they found the body of a man with a gun at his
side. "No doubt about it," one Deputy said to the other. "This
was a double murder and suicide. This guy came home and
found his wife in bed with somebody else and shot them both.
Then he shot himself." "You're right," the other Deputy replied.
"Double murder and suicide. But I'll bet you when the Sheriff
gets here, he's going to say 'It could have been worse' as he
always does!" "No way. How could it be worse? There are
three people in the house, and all of them have been shot to
death. It couldn't be worse. You're on." said the first Deputy.
About that time, the old Sheriff arrived at the scene. He walked
into the bedroom and saw the two nude bodies. He then
walked into the living room and saw the man on the floor with
the gun by his side. "No doubt about it," the Sheriff said,
shaking his head. "It was a double murder and suicide. This
guy came home and found his wife in bed with somebody else
and shot them both. Then he shot himself." After hesitating for
a moment, the old Sheriff looked his deputies squarely in the
eyes. "But, you know," he said, "it could have been worse."
The Deputy who had lost the bet jumped up and shouted,
"Sheriff, how could it have been worse? There are three
people in this farmhouse, and all three of them are dead. It
couldn't have been worse!!" "Yes it could," the Sheriff retorted.
"You see that guy there on the floor? If he had come home
yesterday, that would be me in there in that bed!"
Grocery Shopping for Dog Food
I have 2 dogs & I was buying a large bag of Pal Dog Food at
Big W and standing inline at the check out. A woman behind
me asked if I had a dog. On impulse, I told her that no, I was
starting The Pal Diet again although I probably shouldn't
because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost
50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with
tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way
that it works is to load your pants pockets with Pal nuggets
and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that
the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.
I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was
by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was
behind her. Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital
in that condition because I had been poisoned. I told her no; it
was because I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and
a car hit me. I thought one guy was going to have a heart
attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.
Stupid b*tch...why else would I buy dog food??
Stupid Men
While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I
passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten
years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying
a bathing suit, so sought my husband's advice. 'What do you
think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?' 'Better
get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.'
August 2008
•
33
Humor
BY NIGHTWIRE
Inexperienced Chili Judge
Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Tester Named FRANK, who
was visiting Texas from the East Coast: "Recently, I was
honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The
original person called in sick at the last moment and I
happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking
directions to the beer wagon, when the call came. I was
assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili
wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could
have free beer during the tasting. So I accepted." Here are the
scorecards from the event:
CHILI # 1 MIKE'S MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILI.
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could
remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to
put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans
are crazy.
CHILI # 2 ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
JUDGE ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno
tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be
taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of the reach of children I'm not sure
what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off
two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver.
They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my
face.
CHILI # 3 FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more
beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of
peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose
feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the
routine by now get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid
pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front
part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all the beer.
CHILI # 4 BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice.
Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish
for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was
unable to taste it, is it possible to burnout taste buds? Sally,
the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that
300 lb. Bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear
waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?
CHILI # 5 LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly
ground, adding considerable kick. Very Impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef, could use more
tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong
statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead
and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people
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August 2008
behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed
offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain
damage, Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer
directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off?
It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop
screaming. Screw those rednecks!
CHILI # 6 VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good
balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers,
onions, and garlic. Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with
gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit myself when I farted and I'm
worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to
stand behind me except that slut Sally. She must be kinkier
than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my
ass with a snow cone!
CHILI # 7 SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on
canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a
can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that
I am worried about Judge Number 3, He appears to be in a bit
of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin,
and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and
the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is
covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My
pants are full of lava-like shit to match my damn shirt. At least
during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to
stop breathing; it's too painful. Screw it. I'm not getting any
oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4inch hole in my stomach.
CHILI # 8 LESTER'S LAST OF THE RED-HOT
LOVER'S CHILI
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe
for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare it's existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither
mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge
Number 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down
on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank,
wonder how he'd have reacted to a really hot chili?
Will I live to see 90?
I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits
and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for
my age. A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't
resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 90?" He asked,
"Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?" "Oh no," I
replied. "I'm not doing drugs, either!" Then he asked, "Do you
eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?" I said, "No, my former
doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!" "Do you spend
a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or
bicycling?" "No, I don't," I said. He asked, "Do you gamble,
drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?" "No," I said. He looked
at me and said, "Then, why do you even give a shit?"
5 Year Olds Paycheck
Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed
between a little 5-year-old girl and some construction workers
that makes you believe that we CAN make a difference when
we give a child the gift of our time. A young family moved into
a house next door to a vacant lot. One day a construction
crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The
young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in
all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day
observing the workers. Eventually the construction crew, all of
them gems-in-the-rough, more or less adopted her as a kind
of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them
while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little
jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the
end of the first week they even presented her with a pay
envelope containing a couple of dollars. The little girl took this
home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of
admiration and suggested that they take the two dollar "pay"
she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings
account. When they got to the bank, the teller was equally
impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her
very own pay check at such a young age. The little girl proudly
replied, "I worked last week with the crew building the house
next door to us. "My goodness gracious," said the teller, "and
will you be working on the house again this week, too?" The
little girl replied, "I will if those assholes at Home Depot ever
deliver the f***ing sheet rock..."
weenie, and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when
she danced in front of them would not be ordained because
he had not reached a state of spiritual purity. The beautiful
model danced before the first candidate, with no reaction. She
proceeded down the line with the same response from all the
priests until she got to the final priest, Timmy. Poor Timmy, as
she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off,
clattering across the ground and laid to rest in nearby foliage.
Embarrassed, Timmy quickly scrambled to where the bell
came to rest. He bent over to pick it up then all the other bells
started to ring.
ICU
In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the
same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 am, regardless
of their medical condition. This puzzled the doctors and some
even thought it had something to do with the supernatural. No
one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred
around 11:00 am Sunday, so a worldwide team of experts was
assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents. The next
Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 am. , all of the
doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see
for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about.
Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books, and other
holy objects to ward off the evil spirits. Just when the clock
struck 11:00 - Pookie Johnson, the part-time Sunday
sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support
system so he could use the vacuum cleaner.
Man and Sheep
A man buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool.
After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are
getting pregnant, and calls a veterinarian for help. The vet tells
him that he should try artificial insemination. The guy doesn't
have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to
display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know
when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will
stop standing around and will instead lay down and wallow in
the grass when they are pregnant. The man hangs up and
gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that
artificial insemination means HE has to impregnate the sheep.
So, he loads the sheep into his truck, drives them out into the
woods, has sex with them all, brings them back and goes to
bed. Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep.
Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that
the first try didn't take, and loads them in the truck again. He
drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for
good measure, brings them back and goes to bed. The next
morning he wakes to find the sheep still just standing around.
One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up
and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging
the sheep and, upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.
The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed
to look at the sheep. He asks his wife to look out and tell him
if the sheep are laying in the grass. "No," she says, "they're all
in the truck and one of them is honking the horn."
Father Timmy
Twelve priests were about to be ordained. The final test was
for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden
while a sexy, beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced
before them. Each priest had a small bell attached to his
August 2008
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35
Humor
BY NIGHTWIRE
Poor Dave
Poor Dave works hard at the office and spends two nights
each week bowling and plays golf every Saturday. His wife
thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday, she
takes him to a local strip club. The doorman at the club greets
them and says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin?" His wife is puzzled
and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no," says Dave.
"He's on my bowling team." When they are seated, a waitress
asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,
"How did she know that you drink Budweiser?" "I recognize
her, she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have a Bud
at the end of the first nine, honey." A stripper then comes over
to their table, throws her arms around Dave, starts to rub
herself all over him and says, "Hi Davey, want your usual table
dance, big boy?" Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse
and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting
into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside
her. Dave tries desperately to explain how the stripper must
have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having
none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs,
calling him every 4-letter word in the book. The cabby turns
around and says, "Geez Dave, you picked up a real bitch this
time!"
New Supermarket
A new supermarket opened near my house. It has an
automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before
it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the
smell of fresh rain. When you pass the milk cases, you hear
cows mooing and you experience the scent of fresh mown
hay. In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal
grilled steaks with onions. When you approach the egg case,
you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the
pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying. The bread
department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread
& cookies. I don't buy toilet paper there any more.
The Spoon
A lesson on how consultants can make a difference in an
organization. Last week, we took some friends to a new
restaurant, 'Steve's Place,' and noticed that the waiter who
took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a
little strange. When the busboybrought our water and utensils,
I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.
Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in
their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I
inquired, 'Why the spoon?' 'Well, 'he explained, 'the
restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of
our processes. After several months of analysis, they
concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped
utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3
spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better
prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the
kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.' As luck would have
36
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August 2008
it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. 'I'll
get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of
making an extra trip to get it right now.' I was impressed. I
also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's
fly. Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same
string hanging from theirflies. So, before he walked off, I asked
the waiter, 'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that
string right there?' 'Oh, certainly!' Then he lowered his voice.
'Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned
also learned that we can save time in the restroom. By tying
this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out
without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands,
shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%. I
asked quietly, 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?'
'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but
I use the spoon.'
Second Opinion!
The doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your
headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You
have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to
press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a
headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove
the testicles.' Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered
if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under
the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a
headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was
missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the
street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could
make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's
clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... A new suit.'
He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new
suit.' The elderly tailor eye d him briefly and said, 'Let's see...
size 44 long.' Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'
'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said. Joe tried on
the suit it fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the
salesman asked, How about a new shirt?' Joe thought for a
moment and then said, 'Sure.' The salesman eyed Joe and
said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.' Joe was
surprised, That's right, how did you know?' 'Been in the
business 60 years.' Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.
Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman
asked, 'How about some new underwear?' Joe thought for a
moment and said, 'Sure. ' The salesman said, 'Let's see... size
36. Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I
was 18 years old.' The salesman shook his head, 'You can't
wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against
the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.'
New suit - $400 - New shirt - $36 - New underwear - $6 Second Opinion - PRICELESS
Love Is Blindness
A little boy was in his room playing with himself, when his
father walked in."Son! If you masturbate too much, you're
gonna go blind!""Dad," the boy said, "I'm over here."
Gratitude
BY SUZ PISANO
W
ith summer almost over, I’m reminiscent of days
gone by & preparing for back to school. We’re
all looking forward to final vacation plans,
cooling off & kids back in school. It’s in this spirit that I’ll
give you some of my gratitude for this month…
I’m grateful that I’ve had the chance this summer to
catch up with some old friends & actually make some new
ones. Due to hectic & busy schedules, we might not have
got to hang out until late night but at least we did hang out!
I seriously appreciate every attempt to coordinate
schedules and have “friend” time.
The Farmer’s Market makes me particularly happy and
so thankful that some folks really take pride & joy in local
farming while providing us the opportunity to buy local,
healthy & fresh produce, jellies, salsas, pierogies and local
honey. Next time you stop at one of the city’s farmer’s
markets- think about what went into planting, cultivating &
providing the selections presented before you- give a
thanks to that purveyor. I’m certain he’ll appreciate the
recognition.
I’m extremely grateful for local honey & you’d better get
some while we still have honey bees. The plight of the
honey bee saddens & baffles me but I remain focused on
the benefits of immune system boosting properties, not to
mention the taste in a nice cup of green tea or some plain
yogurt. I save all of my bottles for miniature flower
vases…….recycle & reuse!
Thinking about back-to-school, I’ve always been a fan of
“retail therapy” and I can’t think of a better place than
Gabriel Brothers, especially when you have a budget for
back-to-school shopping. Those of us without kids
returning to school avoid Gabe’s like the plague during
August & the beginning of September but I’ll be right back
in there bargain hunting as soon as school starts! I’m
grateful for great fashions at affordable and sometimes
ridiculous prices.
Speaking of retail therapy, the MAC counter at Macy’s
downtown is my favorite secret escape. Those girls can
find you a quick pick-me-up in minutes & there are soooo
many choices. Sometimes I love to have my make-up
done for no special reason. It’s absolutely girly to buy a lip
gloss or some eye shadow from a downtown department
store. I think it’s probably how guys feel when they buy a
$12 cigar.
Fall will be here in no time Nightwire fans and maybe
we’ll even forget the dog days of summer but for now, keep
cool and savor every hot & humid moment. It’ll be over
soon enough! Looking forward to fall, and if you’re a parent
looking forward to back-to-school, I’m with ya! Or yinz as
we say in the burgh! Until next month…………….take time
each & every day to be grateful for something- it brings you
good karma.
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