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Spring 2014 Vol. 5 No. 4
Build Vanity, Build Greed, Achieve Indolence
@JfkTitanTribune
(510) 657-1070 Ext. 27352
*The following articles are completely true, therefore, should not be taken seriously.
Sasquatch Sighted on Campus!
CJ’s Liquor:
Promoting Business
Values at Kennedy
By Kim Reisler
By Charlie Darwin
On April 1st, 2014,
a large, hairy creature was
seen roaming around the Kennedy campus. The details are
blurry, but we can gather
that the creature vaguely resembled the mythical
“Sasquatch” that has been
eluding both scientists and
conspiracy theorists for the
past sixty years. However,
experts from around the Bay
Area and the United States
are asking, “Why now? And
why did he choose to be seen
at Kennedy High School?”
Some believe that the poor,
misguided creature is lost
and wandered into the campus unknowingly, and should
be helped back into the wild.
However, some believe that
this creature poses a threat
to the students and faculty
of the school and should be
captured for study.
By Slim Shady
The mysterious Sasquatch (Bigfoot, Abominable
Snowman, Yeti) has kindled
the imaginations of people
across the globe, as well as
inspired countless hoaxes and
conspiracy theories. However, it seems that the sighting
at Kennedy is the real deal.
When asked about the
situation, Principal Edward
Velez stated that “The most
important thing here is the
safety of the students. We
can‛t get caught up in the
mystery, we need to find this
creature and get it safely off
our campus so that there is
no chance our students are in
danger.” However, even with
repeated sightings and photographic evidence, the creature continues to elude local
researchers and policemen
alike.
Something that puzzles one local scientist who
visited the campus is the lack
of physical evidence. “According to the picture, this
thing is pretty hairy. Why,
then, was there no fur or
hair left behind? We had an
entire team of researchers
scour the school for potential DNA evidence, but nothing outside the ordinary was
found.” With even the most
decorated of scientists baffled by this mystery, it seems
like the chances of finding
this creature once more is
impossible.
Like many researchers, some students believe
that the entire situation is
a hoax. Senior Israel Comonfort exclaims, “This is obviously Photoshopped. I can
tell from some of the pixels
and from seeing quite a few
Photoshops in my day.” However, the authenticity of the
picture is not in question, as
the shot was proven to be unmodified and untouched. De-
spite the authenticity of the
evidence, principals Greg Baily and Bob Moran of American
and Washington respectively,
claim that this is just another
hoax put on by Mr. Velez (who
they say uncannily resembles
the creature). This so called
hoax is an attempt to get
more publicity for Kennedy,
enhancing the mysteries surrounding the Kennedy campus.
Mr. Velez, a sasquach expect
himself, says that this is not
the only time this beast has
been seen on campus, in fact,
he claims that our most recent wrestling win was in part
due to a last minute “hairy”
competitor on the Kennedy
team. We encourage anyone
with information about the
creature to please step up
and help us find it, so we can
hopefully help take it back
into the wild where it belongs.
a Bully almost made him Just
Lose It. He also struggled
with expressing himself to
the enrolling administration,
only managing to say, “My
Eminem promised Ms.
Carrillo that he would not Relapse into his previous thug
behavior and, in fact, he wants
to join peers to help others
out of the thug
life. Perhaps, Eminem‛s biggest challenge will be math
class, where previously he was always
compelled to answer the problems
with the number
313. He was caught cheating
his first day and then lied to
Mr. Canady about it. Mr. Canady stated, “I do not Love
the Way You Lie.” Eminem
knows his bad behavior has
left him Brain Damaged and
perhaps sometimes Brainless. Knowing Mr. Canady, he
will not accept the apology
and will go Bezerk on Eminem.
To help him prepare for this
life change, Eminem said, “I
Need a Doctor” and drove to
Dr. Dre‛s house where Dre
schooled Eminem on how to
high school. We are all hoping for the best this time
around. Good Luck Kennedy
Titan, Marshal Mathers!
Eminem Comes to Kennedy
Eminem, also known
as Marshal Mathers, has officially stated that he will be
returning to high school to
earn the diploma he has so
far failed to obtain. Mathers
chose Kennedy because he
has Infinite love for his Kennedy fans. He wants to work
hard at Kennedy and be a role
model, saying to the students,
”You should not Lose Yourself
like I once did.”
During Eminem‛s enrollment process last week,
Name is.” However, he mentioned he was Not Afraid,
despite his awkward start at
Kennedy.
CJ Liquors is an area
of contention for many in the
Kennedy zoning. Some argue
that it is not acceptable to
have such a blatant symbol
of alcoholism and tobacco addiction by a school, but perhaps CJ‛s is more than this.
CJ‛s exhibits a smart way to
do business. Whoever placed
CJ‛s across from Kennedy
shows solid business sense.
DECA club members could
certainly learn a lesson from
CJ‛s advertising and location. CJ‛s owners show economic sense; plus, we cannot
begrudge the employees of
the store their jobs, just because CJ‛s may have a negative impact on the kids who
will someday run our country.
And what about those
politicians who passed the
zoning for CJ‛s, they must
really be proud.
Who is to say that
CJ‛s even has a negative impact? High school students
are too young to be purchasing cigarettes or alcohol.
There is nothing to worry
about! We all know that store
clerks would never give out
potentially dangerous or addicting substances. That‛s
against the law! The crowds
that gather there before,
during, and after school may
just need a place to hang
out. CJ‛s does sound like a
comfortable place to be. It
sounds like something one
friend would say to another,
“Let‛s go chill at CJ‛s! What a
homey place!”
We could also utilize
CJ‛s as a field trip destination
for health class. It doesn‛t
cost much and lets students
analyze how seductive advertisements for alcohol and
tobacco can be. Just think of
the educational opportunities
at CJ Liquors.
Furthermore, CJ‛s is
like a symbol of the school.
Each school has a mascot;
what say we make our mascot
a drunken bum and our local
store a place of school pride.
If our liquor store is good
enough, Kennedy could become the most popular school
in the district. Students will
flock to Kennedy, all to be a
part of the CJ‛s family.
INDEX
Flying Cars..........................5
Playstation Zero..................4
The Brown House................3
Israelism.............................2
Page 2 School News
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The Titan Tribune
Beauty Tips
By Simmone Shah
People waste hundreds of dollars on expensive beauty products without realizing that
it is easier to find safer, natural equivalents right in our homes. These are a few replacements
that will make you look and feel good without emptying out your wallet in the process. So next
time you set out to buy yourself a product such as lipstick or hail gel, look around your house
and try using one of these seven alternatives instead.
1.
For a natural looking hair gel, liberally apply maple syrup and onion dip to your hair after
showering. The syrup when mixed with the dip contains natural vitamins, minerals, and amino
acids that work to create a healthier substitute for hair gel, and will leave your hair soft and
smelling delicious all day.
2.
If you want to get rid of your glasses, but don‛t want to take your chances on a risky
surgery, try squeezing a few drops of lemon juice and chili powder in your eyes before bed.
The acids in the lemon create a reaction which, overnight, gradually fixes your eyesight, leaving you with 20/20 vision when you wake up.
3.
Instead of bubble baths, which contain chemicals such as ethanolamine and sodium
lauryl sulfate, try adding a few ounces of a cleaning product like Windex into your bath. It‛s
an old trick not many people know of, but Windex actually works wonders on your skin; it‛s
guaranteed to make your skin sparkle and glow.
4.
Many of the store brand deodorants may contain substances that are unsafe for your
skin, such as propylene glycol and aluminum. As an organic substitute, use garlic, a natural ingredient you can find in your kitchen to remove odor. Crushed garlic is a great way to keep your
skin and body healthy and smelling fresh, as well as keeping those pesky sparkling vampires
away.
@JfkTitanTribune
Spring 2014 Vol. 5 No. 4
israelism
Israel
Comonfort,
born and raised in South Detroit, Michigan, is often regarded as our generation‛s
Louis XVI. Although he is
only seventeen years old, he
has already amassed a huge
following around the world.
These followers are affectionately referred to as Israelites and Believeraels.
The Israelites have often
been caught buying off politicians and hijacking ice cream
trucks for the glory of Sweet
Israel. After countless interrogations, it has been discovered that the Israelites follow a strict set of rules that
they should be living by daily.
These rules are found in a location known as the holy state
in his shining white glory,”
says Sean Ha. Mister Ha lives
on a strict diet of Hawaiian
pizza and horchata (a Mexican rice drink) in order to fill
himself up with what little
of The Holy Comonfort‛s essence he can sparsely grasp.
Following in Ha‛s footsteps,
many Israelites have taken to
this practice of filling their
bowels to the rim with Hawaiian pizza and horchata as
well, all in the name of their
Lord and Savior.
Now, not everyone
must be born under a pillar of
Israel to be eligible to bask in
the numbing, sensational glory of Sweet Israel. The trial
of converting to Israelism and
becoming one with the Israelites is cruel and tedious,
but very m u c h worth the
struggle and effort. In or-
of Tennessee. Deep in the lagoons of Tennessee lies the
Israelite place of worship
named The Seven Pillars of
Israel. On each of these pillars, a tome of Israel is inscribed. The seven pillars of
Israel are greed, knowledge,
seduction, rhythm, joy, HVTE
and famine. Each Beliverael is
born under one of these pillars and must carry out deeds
that would represent their
given pillar. For example, if
you were born under the pillar of HVTE, you must spread
profanity to other people‛s
lives.
Many have gone to one
of Israel‛s biggest followers,
Sean Ha, to seek knowledge
on why these commandments
were placed. Ha, has been
studying Israel‛s teachings
for many years and has become somewhat of an expert
on Israelism. “I often fantasize of our lord Israel returning to Earth and showering us
der to merge souls with the
essence of Israel, one must
(somewhat) simply obtain a
tattoo of a turtle shell on the
entirety of their bare back—
although there is a catch to
this task. The tattoo must
be created without the use
of a needle and ink, but instead with an authentic Huf
Plantlife snapback, preferably made in Korea and shipped
from Malaysia.
Why convert to Israelism? There are thousands
of extravagant benefits of
being an Israelite, such as
being one step closer to becoming God, lifetime supply
of cream cheese, and obtaining the ability to shape shift
one‛s face into that of Israel
at the ripe age of 66 years,
6 months, and 6.66 seconds
(one-time use only, no refunds
included no matter how many
pedestrians may be injured at
the sight of the mighty Israel).
By Israel Lopez and Israel
Nguyen
5.
The next time you feel like pampering yourself, treat your skin too. To make your skin
feel soft and refreshed, place the peels of a banana on your skin and rest for an hour. Bananas
contain potassium and vitamin B6, and are a great, natural way to rejuvenate dry, peeling skin.
When the time is up, you will notice the difference in your skin.
6.
If you‛ve ever broken a nail, you know it can be annoying and sometimes painful thing. An
easy solution to the problem is to use superglue to reattach the nail, instead of tearing it off
when it breaks. After the glue dries, generously apply nail polish to hide any cracks; completing the look and saving you a trip to the nail salon.
7.
The best lipstick to own is one that looks good and tastes even better. Ketchup is a
perfect substitute for your everyday red lipstick. Unlike the store-bought lipsticks, ketchup
contains natural coloring that will make your lips look and feel softer, and will come in handy
when you‛re in the mood for French fries. Just mix the ketchup with lard for consistency.
Living Inside the
Internet
By Yi Liu
Kennedy
students,
have you ever wondered what
it would be like to live in your
computer? Or what it feels
like to be in the game you
were playing? Well fear not,
scientists have managed to
make your dreams come true.
Scientists from the University of Reality Check
have managed to create a program that
allows your whole
self to be teleported inside your computer. This program
is called “Neurion
Helm.” Although this
program was made
by college students,
it is now a multimillion dollar business.
You can star as the
main character of
the game you‛re playing or you can watch
movies in 3D without
leaving the comfort
of your chair. All it
requires for you is
to have an operation
where a port is inserted into
your skull. You are then given
a remote control connected
to your port which allows you
to enter the internet.
The science behind
this is very simple. Humans,
after decades of testing,
have been known to be considered “data” in computer
standards. Humans contain at
least five gigabytes of information stored inside them.
If you take this concept and
treat it like an USB, your information can be sent into
the internet. With cutting
edge new technology, you can
rest assure that all the human
data can be sent into the internet completely safely. The
helmet is made of the highest quality material of tin foil
there is, and the secret behind the tin foil is that it can
absorb information from your
body through its tiny conductive atoms into the computer. All you need to do to get
out of the computer and into
reality is to manually press
the shutdown button on your
taskbar. I know what you‛re
thinking, the helmet and all
may be good, but what about
the remote? The remote
is also made of the highest
quality material there is too,
but this time the remote is
made of iron. The iron allows
the handler to feel the electromagnetic waves while inside the computer, so it gives
the users a more lifelike feel
to it. The electromagnetic
waves imitate what you feel
in real life.
The only real problem
the Neurion Helm causes is
that if your computer becomes infected with a virus,
the user will be stuck in the
internet for a little while,
only about their whole life.
As long as the family of the
users continuously feed him
through a tube, then the user
will remain perfectly healthy
for his/her entire
life. There isn‛t a
downside to this.
If the user wanted to reset their
whole life, why not
do it on the internet? A famous, and
wise, old man once
said, “Everything
is on the internet”.
Remember the remote that allows
you to feel on the
internet? Well due
to the electromagnetic waves, it also
works for food.
The food that the
user consumes in
the computer may
not be real, but
for the user it is as real as
normal food.
The Neurion Helm is
an invention which changed
the lives of many people,
young and old. Without this
new invention people would go
to the “outernet” in order to
experience events. Neruion
helm is the device for people
that want to be in the comforts of their own homes,
without the threat of the
burning sunlight on one‛s skin.
Without the Neurion Helm,
society wouldn‛t have been as
capable as it is now.
WORLD NEWS
Page 3 World News
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Teens Wear Chastity
Glove to Abstain from
Subtweeting
By Subtweet Sisters
Subtweeting, a vile
form of communication for
cowards, has swept over this
prosperous nation. Now 9.9
out of 10 twitter users have
been blatantly subtweeting
their followers, and 8 out of
The Jonas Brothers have donated over 30,000,000 dollars in research for the STC
(Subtweet Chastity) project.
The STC project will create and franchise chastity
power gloves to specifically
10 have denied it and claimed
that they were “talking about
something else.” Groups of
fellow tweeters have decided to say no to subtweeting and have a raised a coalition of action against it. The
President of Turkey‛s hatred
of subtweeting has heightened to the point where he
has blocked twitter from
the entire nation of Turkey.
combat subtweeting urges.
These chastity gloves will be
equipped with the highest
security technology, accompanied by low to moderate
shock reminders and several
complex codes to protect
tweeters from backing out
of their oath to abstain from
subtweeting. Remember that
birds spread diseases so keep
your tweeter in your pants.
“ D o n ‛ t
T w e e t ”
shirts available in the
student
store.
If
the store is
closed send
angry tweets
to ASB until
they open it!
By Gustavo Rojas
At 5 o‛clock Friday afternoon, on December 13th,
Barack Obama announced
the renaming of “The White
House,” to “The Brown
House.” After realizing the
advantages of his position as
nation leader, Obama knew
this was the moment to take
action, to give his home the
“The Dopest” paint job ever.
Outrageous or absolute genius, you decide. “I don‛t care
what y‛all think or say about
my boss *Gluteus Maximus*
decisions, y‛all just hating on
my success,” said Obama,” one
simply doesn‛t start from the
bottom and get the opportunity to change names and
stuff, so whatever, long hurr,
don‛t curr, deuces.” Many
can‛t argue with Obama after
he said “deuces,” or even at
the fact that he stated the
best supported evidence on
why he should.
Pope Francis has legitimately claimed that president‛s Obama‛s decision is an
act of God, which is beginning to influence the people in
the United
States. All
of
these
decisions
are tying
down
to
the most
anticipated
question,
is Obama a
president
or a Saint?!
Must
he
not
be
obeyed to as a president of
the United States or worshipped as a Holy figure by
the world? We are in need of
answers!
Barack Obama‛s idea
is simply divine, nothing could
bring tears of joy more than
this, however, others are
speculating the idea that it
must be a sign of Alien activity, maybe Obama is in fact an
Alien for his out-of this planet idea. But Kim Kardashian
said it best, “the White
House is due of a tan!”
The Titan Tribune
Spring 2014 Vol. 5 No. 4
@JfkTitanTribune
EDM PROVEN TO CURE CANCER
By Waleed Khasru
EDM, electronic dance
music, is a genre of music
based on electronic and digital instruments such as keyboards and electronic drums,
which is generally featured in
nightclubs. It has been rising
in popularity since the ‘90s
when it first arrived in the
states, and finally hit mainstream media in 2010. New
reports by scientists and
music theorists have broken
ground on research that indicates that this wave of music
that has been sweeping the
nation actually promotes the
repression and destruction of
diseases, including cancer.
EDM is a broad genre
that encompasses numerous types of music, such as
house, drum ‘n bass, nu disco,
and dubstep. Originally from
Europe, this genre of music
has wound up in nightclubs
and raves in the states as
well. It was at one particular
nightclub where club promoters noticed the particularly
healthy aspects of their club
patrons. EDM caught on very
quickly since the club owner marketed their club as a
“health dance club,” which
led many scientists and music
theorists to study EDMs effects on people.
Initially it was believed that EDM had been
synthesized by USSR scientists and musicians to spread
communism all over the world.
This music media was on lockdown by the US government
in the early 2000‛s, but many
tracks still found their way
into the underground scene,
where it rose in popularity.
After thorough research and
experimentation, it was found
that the music did no such
thing, in spite of its addictive nature. On the contrary,
scientists began to discover
that certain frequencies of
soundwaves common in EDM
actually neutralized cancerous cells.
Experiments are already underway to start using EDM as a sort of therapy
for cancer patients, using patients that choose to use this
alternative form of therapy.
Unlike chemotherapy, being exposed to EDM doesn‛t
seem to have any side effects. Parallel to this rapid
development,
synthesizers
are working with scientists
to develop the most effective soundtrack to neutralize cancerous cells. Current
research doesn‛t show much
of a difference between different genres, but hopefully
we will be able to learn more
about this form of music.
What does this new
development mean to the research of traditional medicine? Experts say that EDM
Therapy will remain independent of other methods of
neutralizing cancer, since the
study is so new. That being
said, many cancer research
foundations are losing investors to EDM therapy. This
may be good news for civilians
and patients – EDM therapy
will be massively less costly
to administer than traditional
chemotherapy and medicine,
and will be much more widely
available. Some scientists are
going as far as saying that we
are on the brink of exterminating cancer, but the fact
of the matter is yet undetermined.
This specific property of EDM has multiplied
the demand and reputation
of artists, making people like
Deadmau5, Kaskade, and Tiesto extremely popular. Some
artists have begun starting up their own charities to
help fund further research.
It goes without saying that
this theory of EDM‛s curative
properties has become the
most critical medical news
story of the year, possibly
even the decade.
Kim Jong Un’s Birthday List
By Radicle Kat
The intimidating, scary, and evil dictator that is ruling North Korea has released his
insane birthday gift desires to the entire world. We have a year to provide Kim Jung-Un with
all his wants, and if we don‛t, he has vowed to put the entire world in labor camps. The world
is in chaos and the heads of nations are collaborating on ways to make his wishes come true.
What is in store for the future? Here is his Birthday Wish list which we all must prepare for:
1)
All people must paint their faces dark purple and wear chicken or gorilla costumes in a
parade to be held on his birthday. They must march in unison and no one must wreak havoc to
the formation or they are to be blown up on the spot.
2)
Everyone must wear Kim Jung-Un masks on the day after his birthday and go bowling or
biking for four hours.
3)
A film showing 13 simulations of different ways South Korea can be demolished must be
made.
4)
Dennis Rodman must be allowed to return to professional basketball and have madonna
as his concubine.
5)
Everyone over the age of 25 must dedicate a small fraction of their belongings to Kim
Jung-Un.
6) Kim Jun-Un is going to moon the world leaders at the U.N summit and all the leaders must
bend over one by one and kiss his butt.
7) Kim Jong Un must be allowed to form his own Olympic team and everyone must allow him
to win all of the gold medals.
8)
Super slow internet speeds must be enforced throughout the world.
9)
Everyone must sacrifice the youngest child of their family and prepare them for Kim
Jun-Un‛s birthday meal. The selections of kids Kim Jun-Un will eat are to be decided, but if he
finds a youngest kid of any family uncooked it will be game over for us.
10) An 11 x 20 dimension portrait of Kim Jong-Un must be hung in every classroom of the
world.
Page 4 Entertainment
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The Titan Tribune
Ambiguous News Headlines
EYE DROPS OFF SHELF
PROSTITUTES APPEAL TO POPE
KIDS MAKE NUTRITIOUS SNACKS
STOLEN PAINTING FOUND BY TREE
LUNG CANCER IN WOMEN
MUSHROOMS
QUEEN MARY HAVING
BOTTOM SCRAPED
DEALERS WILL HEAR CAR
TALK AT NOON
MINERS REFUSE TO
WORK AFTER DEATH
MILK DRINKERS ARE
TURNING TO POWDER
DRUNK GETS NINE
MONTHS IN VIOLIN CASE
JUVENILE COURT TO
TRY SHOOTING DEFENDANT
COMPLAINTS ABOUT
NBA REFEREES GROWING UGLY
PANDA MATING FAILS;
VETERINARIAN TAKES OVER
POLICE BEGIN CAMPAIGN TO
RUN DOWN JAYWALKERS
12 ON THEIR WAY TO CRUISE
AMONG DEAD IN PLANE CRASH
KILLER SENTENCED TO DIE FOR
SECOND TIME IN 10 YEARS
SAFETY EXPERTS SAY SCHOOL BUS
PASSENGERS SHOULD BE BELTED
2 SISTERS REUNITED AFTER 18
YEARS AT CHECKOUT COUNTER
MAN EATING PIRANHA
MISTAKENLY SOLD AS PET FISH
ASTRONAUT TAKES BLAME
FOR GAS IN SPACECRAFT
QUARTER OF A MILLION
CHINESE LIVE ON WATER
INCLUDE YOUR CHILDREN
WHEN BAKING COOKIES
New Mel Gibson Film
Stirs Controversy
@JfkTitanTribune
Spring 2014 Vol. 5 No. 4
OLD SCHOOL PILLARS
ARE REPLACED BY ALUMNI
GRANDMOTHER OF EIGHT
MAKES HOLE IN ONE
HOSPITALS ARE SUED
BY 7 FOOT DOCTORS
LAWMEN FROM MEXICO
BARBECUE GUESTS
TWO SOVIET SHIPS
COLLIDE, ONE DIES
ENRAGED COW INJURES
FARMER WITH AX
LACK OF BRAINS
HINDERS RESEARCH
RED TAPE HOLDS UP NEW BRIDGE
SQUAD HELPS DOG BITE VICTIM
IRAQI HEAD SEEKS ARMS
HERSHEY BARS PROTEST
REAGAN WINS ON BUDGET,
BUT MORE LIES AHEAD
Cory Sightings
Across the Globe
By John Travolta
America‛s 7th favorite Canadian actor/singer, Cory Monteith, died last
July. Cory Monteith played the hunky jock Finn Hudson on the hit TV show,
Glee. This travesty has affected many of his fans and supporters. Cory‛s loved
ones are still in mourning but are working through the heartbreak to fulfill the
life Cory would have wanted them to. Recently, Cory‛s more eccentric fans have
been tenaciously excavating evidence that Cory is still alive. President of the
Cory Monteith Founders Association, John Travolta, stated “I will go to every
length and inch of the world to find my beloved Cory.” When Cory‛s former fiancé, Lea Michele, was asked about Travolta‛s mission she gave no comment.
The following pictures were taken by John Travolta...
August 3, Cory is first spotted taking a
stroll in the Sahara.
October 26, Cory is seen out of his
bungalo sporting a trendy new haircut
December 25, Putin asks Cory to
spend the night with his “special
friend” Snowden
January 1st: after watching ‘Sharknado”
for the fifth time, Cory is inspired to go
back to the US
February 19, Cory gets into an argument
with Siri and Siri leaves him without access to Google Maps
April 1st, Cory is now fulfilling a lifelong
dream of playing Snow White at
Disneyworld’s Magic Kingdom Resort
Playstation Zero Announced
By Roger Ebert
After
only
mere
months, Sony has already
gone through research and
development and announced
their flagship gaming device, the Playstation Zero.
Sony
Computer
Entertainment’s president and CEO
Andrew House has made the
executive move to delay the
production of their traditional consoles (namely the
Playstation 5) and develop
a system with overkill power to blow the competition
out of the water. When asked
on the decision, House had
no comment. Shuhei Yoshida,
the President of Worldwide
Studios, however, amusingly stated that there was no
room in the market for any
other corporation to release
a system with the caliber
that could compete with the
Playstation Zero.
The Playstation Zero’s architecture will be
the most similar to a PC to
date, and is said to feature
a 64-core processor (4x16
cores) clocked at 7.5 GHz,
with a 1024 MB cache, developed in-house. The graphics
controller will be designed
by AMD, codenamed Rapture,
which will have a quad-core
GPU with a core clock at 4
GHz and a memory clock 8
GHz. The GPU will feature 16
GB of GDDR6 memory, with a
2048-bit bus. Different models will feature different
storage drives, ranging from
16 to 64 TB, and every system will support virtual reality accessories. Needless
to say, this system will be
the most powerful console to
date, leaving even the most
powerful consumer-built PCs
in the dust.
With this much performance, game developers
have close to infinite resources that the system will
be able to handle. Games are
expected to look hyper-real-
istic, with the bottleneck
being the consumer’s display and sound system. For
perspective, an alpha build
of the Playstation Zero can
display native 16K resolution of a life-like driving
simulator still in development at a stable 120 FPS.
The test audience remarked
that the game looked better
than any video they had ever
seen, some saying that the
gameplay looked better than
real life.
The Playstation Zero
will be in a class of its
own, not only because of
its performance; the starting price of the entry-level
model is speculated to be a
whopping $9,999 for the 16
TB model. That being said,
the console will actually be
sold at a loss if the prices
are correct – the PC equivalent of the Playstation Zero
will easily reach five-figures. House stated that they
didn’t expect many sales,
and that this console was
just an experimental project
of Sony Computer Entertainment, but that he wanted to
fill the small niche of people wanting the very greatest technology of the present.
Development of the
Playstation Zero is still in
early beta, so the system is
expected to be launched by
holiday 2015, possibly early 2016. The system is expected to be released alongside a driving simulator and
a first-person-shooter-sim,
both developed in-house by
SCE. Sony may also assist
with development with any
third party company that
would want to create a game
for the Playstation Zero,
hinted at by Yoshida. The future of the console is still
undetermined, since nothing
this ambitious has ever been
done before by a well-known
corporation in gaming.
Page 5 Lifestyle
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Por Qué No He
Comido Aquí?
By Mickey D
Guess what? There’s an
exciting place to visit for a great
meal, and not only is it delicious,
but incredibly easy on your wallet as well. Burgers, fries, icecream, chicken nuggets, fish fillet sandwiches, salad, flurries,
pancakes, lemonade, everything
a person could ever desire! This
fantastic culinary adventure is
called McDonalds and it is a one
of a kind fine dining experience.
Everything is crafted to
bits by the top chefs of
the country, mouthwatering foods cooked to
the utmost perfection. I
am normally skeptical of
places as nice--and yet as
inexpensive as this, ($1
for a chicken sandwich).
McDonalds offers an innovative and changing
menu that compares in
imagination, quality, and
diversity, to restaurants
such as Chez Panisse.
Walking into McDonalds is like walking into
heaven, from the surprising smells to the colorful
fashion-perfect interior
design. An oversized stone fireplace serves as the restaurant’s
focal point. From the dining room,
there is a partial view of the kitchen, which adds to the restaurant’s
bustling, city-like ambiance. This
social mecca is a great place to
relax and enjoy food, friends and
fun.
We were welcomed by
a waiter who knew the menu
inside and out. After listening to
him explain the virtues of several
items, we made up our minds to
order a little bit of everything!
Let me shock you--every single
entree we ordered was cooked
to perfection, the right amount of
sweetness and saltiness, texture
and aftertaste. Absolutely fabu-
lous. We had French fries which
were extremely healthy, made
out that super food vegetable itself, the potato. Potatoes are full
of vitamin B6 and a good source
of potassium, copper, vitamin C,
manganese, phosphorus, niacin,
dietary fiber, and pantothenic
acid; the heavy oil made the
potatoes slide right down. All
our daily need for vitamins met,
through these scrumptious McDonalds French fries! We also
had a yummy fish fillet sandwich,
despite the fact that the fish was
frozen for months, it tasted like
@JfkTitanTribune
Flying Car$
By T. Edison
it was fresh out of the Pacific
Ocean. I was prepared to have
my taste buds delighted, and my
taste buds ended up on a roller
coaster of culinary adventure as
the savory and slimy sauce oozing out of the fish fillet sandwich
touched my pallet. The best part
is that McDonalds only makes all
its food from scratch, and that
was obvious, as I took my
first bite. And talk about
sustainable eating, even the
chicken nuggets are made
by utilizing all parts of the
chicken; I suspect they own
their own little chicken farm
on the back of the building. Also, the pigs and cows
for the beef and bacon are
slaughtered on the spot and
made fresh for orders. Paula Deen herself admitted
that McDonalds is the top
choice for her fine dining
experience, “Best chicken
ever! Aw yeah! I want the entire
country to be on a McDonald’s
diet, because I am, and I absolutely love it.” Ya’ll should give it
a try, because not only is McDon-
alds delicious, they are the top
healthy choice as well.” Our own
students recommend this culinary
experience.
Israel Comonfort
says, “Hooray, thanks McDonalds
for everything you have done for
my body.” Overall, McDonalds is
the place to go for any occasion,
at any time, and one can never return unsatisfied from eating here,
guaranteed. Five Star rating!
Spring 2014 Vol. 5 No. 4
Recently Tesla unveiled
the first ever fully electric flying
car, the Icarus. With the ability to
fly from San Francisco to New York
City in five charges, the Model F
is set to take the world by storm.
The battery lasts only 600 miles,
and you must stop at certain Tesla-approved Supercharger spots
on the way. With the 100 kWh
performance batteries, you can
theoretically get from SFO to JFK
in less than ten hours. However,
with the stops made along the
way, the flight time is increased
to 15 hours. While some may see
this as a hassle, it is actually a brilliant way to cut down on both
flight costs and luggage charges.
And with the $200,000 price tag,
you could potentially save enough
to pay off the whole car within
fifty years.
Tesla’s founder, Elon
Musk, stated that he was excited
about the possibilities his Model F
has for American transportation.
“By 2030, you might even be able
to go from Chicago to San Francisco on a single charge!” stated
the eccentric Musk. “Maybe
our grandkids could see the day
where we get a car across the Atlantic Ocean,” he added. Reports
indicate that an early attempt at
this project caused the death of
two Tesla workers, who crashed
into the sun, and then plummeted
into the ocean. He also happily
stated that it would by physically
impossible for any of the cars to
catch fire, as the frame and every
panel has flame-detecting sensors. Once the sensors detect that
there is a fire, the car politely asks
the occupants to leave as the entire car is filled with a flame retar-
dant solution. Thirty seconds after
this new feature was announced,
Tesla stock shot up sixty points.
Truly, Mr. Musk has once
again revolutionized the both the
automotive and aviation industries. Ford’s CEO, Alan Mulally,
expressed his concerns with the
Model F. “Now here in America,
we have this beautiful little thing
called a V8. That’s an eight cylinder engine that burns gas, and
makes a vroom sound. None of
that “whoosh” stuff that those
sissy electric cars are doing. We
make pure American cars, like the
new 4 cylinder Mustang we made
just so we could sell the Mustang
in countries other than the US.
Please buy our cars, thank you
and God bless.” However, no matter what competitors say, it seems
like Tesla is on an unbeatable winning streak.
This was further amplified
when well-known car magazine
MotorTrend tested the car. “This
car has changed the name of the
game. After a few hours of leisurely flying around we realized that
there really isn’t any reason to
drive conventional road cars anymore. That’s why I made the decision to change the name of our
magazine to Electric-MotorTrend.
The Model F not only wins our
2014 car of the year, but the 2015
and 2016 car of the year as well,”
stated editor-in-Chief Edward Loh.
Truly, the Bay Area based company has changed everyone’s outlook on cars and transportation in
general. No matter what happens
with Tesla, the world of cars will
never be the same.
(^:>Ha Ha-Horoscopes <:^)
Pisces
Gemini
Aries
You will have a
thought.
You will drink a
beverage.
Times will change.
Sagittarius
Cancer
Virgo
Your heart will
beat in time.
You will eat something cancerous.
You will die
eventually.
Leo
Scorpio
Libra
You will fall
asleep with your
mouth open.
You will move a
muscle.
You will have something you like for
lunch.
Capricorn
Aquarius
Taurus
You will go to
a public bathroom.
You will wear
clothes that fit
snuggly.
You will blink.
Page 6 News in Photos
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@JfkTitanTribune
Spring 2014 Vol. 5 No. 4