“Beer”
Play script
PERCY:
Erm, er, yes, er, well, Lord Whiteadder, er, a vow of silence... Now, that's
quite an interesting thing... Tell me about it.
(In the hall, Edmund leaves his bedroom wearing a pair of false
breasts over his clothing, then goes to the front door and opens
it. Monk, Partridge (holding an ostrich feather) and Piddle enter,
also wearing false breasts over their clothing. Monk wears a hat
with a chicken on it; Partridge wears a hat with a model of a ship
on it, and Piddle wears a hat with bells like a May pole. They
sing.)
BOOZERS: "Happy Birthday to you! Happy Birthday to you! Happy Birthday, Eddy-baby!
Happy Birthday to you!"
(In the main room, Aunt can hear, and doesn't know what to
make of it; Percy is unable to think of an explanation.)
EDMUND:
(loudly so Aunt can hear) But it's not my birthday, Arch Deacon!
(In the main room, Aunt nods and smiles. Percy is relieved.)
(Edmund leads the group into Baldrick's bedroom.)
EDMUND:
Well, well, get stuck in, boys.
PARTRIDGE: Stuck in! Way-hey! Get it?
MONK:
No... (Piddle doesn't, either)
PARTRIDGE: Well, it sounds a bit rude, doesn't it! `Stuck in'!
(The boozers laugh, as there's a knock at the front door.)
EDMUND:
Er, sorry -- back in a tick. (He exits.)
PARTRIDGE: Way-hey! `Tick', eh, lads? Now; that sounds a bit rude, doesn't it... That
sounds a bit like `bum'.
(They laugh.)
(Edmund, in the hallway, opens the front door. Melchett enters.)
EDMUND:
Ah, Melchett -- late, I see, to avoid the early drinking. Oh, Melchy, you really
are a beginner -- you're not even wearing a pair of comedy breasts!
MELCHETT: (opens his coat to reveal gold false breasts.) Au contraire,
Blackadder...
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13
“Beer”
Play script
EDMUND:
Yes, well, well, let's wait until we get down to the really serious drinking, shall
we?
MELCHETT: (Moving to the door of the main room.) In here?
EDMUND:
Er, no, no, it's this way. (Shows Melchett to Baldrick's bedroom.)
Here we are.
(As they enter, the three boozers are bent over, shaking their
backsides and saying "Whoa!" rising in pitch.)
MELCHETT: Good evening, er...
EDMUND:
Lads, this is Lord Melchett.
(They cheer.)
EDMUND:
Er, give him a large one, will you?
PARTRIDGE: `Large one'! Way-hey! Get it?
PIDDLE:
No...
PARTRIDGE: Yes you do! `Large one'! Sounds a bit rude!
PIDDLE:
Oh yes! `Large one'!
(The boozers laugh.)
EDMUND:
You may find the conversation a bit above your head at first, Melchy, but
you'll soon get used to it. Well, er, (taking a mug and raising it) down
the hatch!
(The boozers cheer, as Edmund leaves and tosses the drink in
the closet. He goes to the door of the main room, about to
remove the breasts, when there is a rhythmic knock on the door.
In the main room, Percy knocks an answering rhythm on the
table. Edmund opens the front door. Queen is wrapped in
cloak, and tries to disguise her voice.)
QUEENIE:
I heard there was a party on.
EDMUND:
No. Yes, there are two, and you are invited to neither.
QUEENIE:
I'm a friend of Lord Percy.
EDMUND:
Oh, you must be Gwendoline! You were invited anyway. Come in, do.
QUEENIE:
Thank you very much.
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Tel: 01234 241357. Email: david.pibworth@mktoc.co.uk. Web: www.mktoc.co.uk
14