CHAPTER TOPICS
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Why We Form Relationships
Relational Development and Maintenance
Communicating about Relationships
Looking Out/Looking In
Thirteenth Edition
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Appearance
◦ Is especially important in the early stages
◦ Partners create “positive illusions,” viewing another
as more attractive over time
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Similarity
◦ We like people who are similar to us
◦ Friendships are more likely to last when friends are
similar to one another
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Complementarily
◦ Differences strengthen relationships when they are
complementary
 Each partner’s characteristics satisfy the other’s needs
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Reciprocal Attraction
◦ We like people who like us – usually
◦ People who approve of us, bolster our self-esteem
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Competence
◦ We like to be around talented people
◦ If a person is too talented it can be difficult to be
around them because they make us look bad
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Disclosure
◦ Revealing information about yourself can help to
build liking
◦ Not all disclosure leads to liking
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Proximity
◦ We are likely to develop relationships with people
we interact with frequently
◦ Familiarity can also breed contempt
 Most aggravated assaults occur within the family
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Rewards
◦ Social Exchange Theory
 Relationships that give us rewards greater than or
equal to the costs of the relationship
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Models of Relational Development
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Figure 8.1 Page 276
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Knapp’s Ten Stages of the Relationship
◦ Initiating
 Communication during this stage is usually brief
 Simplistic communication is a way of signaling you
may want to begin a relationship
◦ Experimenting
 After initial contact we decide if we with to pursue the
relationship further
 Uncertainty reduction
 Getting to know others by gaining more information
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Knapp’s Ten Stages of the Relationship
◦ Intensifying
 The interpersonal relationship begins to develop
 The expression of feeling becomes more common
 Giving tokens of affection, hinting and flirting
◦ Integrating
 Parties begin to take on identity as a social unit
 Partners begin to take on each other’s commitments
 Close friends may begin to speak alike
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Knapp’s Ten Stages of the Relationship
◦ Bonding
 Parties make symbolic public gestures
 Commitment is increased during this stage
 Being together comes to be relied on
◦ Differentiating
 The “We” orientation shifts back to “I”
 The stage is likely to occur when the relationship
experiences its first feelings of stress
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Knapp’s Ten Stages of the Relationship
◦ Circumscribing
 Partners behave towards each other in old, familiar
ways
 Communication decreases in quantity and quality
 Shrinking of interest and commitment
◦ Stagnating
 No growth occurs
 The relationship is a hollow shell of its former self
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Knapp’s Ten Stages of the Relationship
◦ Avoiding
 Parties begin to create physical distance between each
other
 Unsuccessful couples deal with their problems by
avoidance, indirectness and less involvement
◦ Terminating
 Includes summary dialogue
 Depending on each person’s feelings, this stage can be
quite short or drawn out over time
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Models of Relational Development
◦ Alternate patters of relational development
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Figure 8.3 Page 282
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Models of Relational Development
◦ Dialectical Perspectives
 Communicators seek important but inherently
incompatible goals through their relationship
◦ Dialectical Tensions
 Conflicts that arise when two opposing or incompatible
forces exist simultaneously
 Managing dialectical tensions can create the most
powerful dynamic in relational communication
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Models for Relational Development
◦ Dialectical Tensions
 Connection versus Autonomy
 We seek out involvement with others
 We are unwilling to sacrifice our entire identity to even the
most satisfying relationship
 One of the most common reasons for relational breakups
involve failure of partners to satisfy each other’s needs for
connection
 “We barely spent any time together.”
 “I was feeling trapped.”
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Models for Relational Development
◦ Dialectical Tensions
 Openness versus Privacy
 Along with the need to disclose, we have an equally
important drive to maintain space
 Even the strongest relationships require some distance
 Predictability versus Novelty
 Too much predictability can lead to feelings of staleness
 The challenge is to juggle the desire for predictability with
the desire for novelty that keeps a relationship fresh
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Models for Relational Development
◦ Managing Dialectical Tensions
 In one study married couples reported:
 Connection-autonomy was the most frequent (30.8%)
 Predictability –novelty was second (21.7%)
 Openness-privacy was least (12.7%)
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Models for Relational Development
◦ Managing Dialectical Tensions
◦ Other Strategies
 Denial
 Reporting to one end of the dialectical spectrum and
ignoring the other
 Disorientation
 Communicators feel so overwhelmed and helpless they are
unable to confront their problems
 Alternation
 Alternating between extremes on the spectrum
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Models for Relational Development
◦ Managing Dialectical Tensions
◦ Other Strategies
 Segmentation
 Partners use this tactic to compartmentalize different
areas of their relationship
 Balance
 Communicators try to balance dialectical tensions
 Integration
 Simultaneously accept opposing forces without trying to
diminish them
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Models for Relational Development
◦ Managing Dialectical Tensions
◦ Other Strategies
 Recalibration
 Responding to dialectical challenges by reframing them so
that apparent contradictions disappear
 Reaffirmation
 This strategy acknowledges that dialectical tensions will
never disappear
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Characteristics of Relationships
◦ Relationships:
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Are constantly changing
Are affected by culture
Require Maintenance
Require Commitment
 Relation commitment involves a promise – sometimes
implied and sometimes explicit – to remain in the
relationship and make it successful
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Repairing Damaged Relationships
◦ Types of relational transgressions
 Minor versus Significant
 Recognize problems for what they are
 Social versus Relational
 Some transgression violate social, not relational norms
 Deliberate versus Unintentional
 Transgressions are not always intentional
 One-time versus Incremental
 Accidents do happen
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Repairing Damaged Relationships
◦ An apology requires three elements:
 An acknowledgment that the transgression was wrong:
“I acted like a jerk.”
 A sincere apology: “I’m really sorry. I feel awful for
letting you down.”
 Some type of compensation: “If I act that way again,
you can call me on it.”
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Content and Relational Messages
◦ Content Messages
 The subject being discussed
◦ Relational Messages
 How the parties feel toward one another
◦ Types of Relational Messages
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Affinity
Immediacy
Respect
Control
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Metacommunication
◦ Messages that people exchange, verbally or
nonverbally, about their relationship
◦ Communication about communication
◦ Can be used as a way to reinforce the satisfying
aspects of a relationship
 “I really appreciate it when you complement me about
my work in front of the boss.”
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Why We Form Relationships
Relational Development and Maintenance
Communicating about Relationships
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