MONOLOGUE EXAMPLES FOR TEEN/COLLEGE GIRLS AND GUYS OR
ADULTS
90 Seconds of Want
By Ross Schexnayder
Since I have your attention for the next 90 seconds I wanted to say that I just realized no matter what I do up here
to show who I am, it isn’t about me. It’s about you. You, sitting out there, writing and staring, staring and writing,
nothing here matters unless it’s what YOU want. How can you expect me to appeal to everyone in the amount of
time it takes to heat up a can of Chef Boyardee? Some of you want me to give you Shakespeare, abridged but
obscure, something you’ve never heard before, like that’s going to happen, “Oh for a muse of fire that would
ascend the brightest heaven of invention, a kingdom for a stage, princes to act and monarchs to behold the swelling
scene.” Some want me to pull in and make you see my soul with the slightest turn of my head and a glisten in my
eye (Demonstrates). You may be thinking, can she belt? (sing) YES I CAN! What about legit…(sing magic flute
cliché). How about a time step? (does time step) make it a double Sam. (does double time step) Accents anyone?
(proper British) “Would you like your tea and crumpets in the library Miss Cardew,” or (thick Cockney)“Good
Day there Govn’r, could you spare a little kindness for the poor,” or (deep Southern) “Big Daddy always says that
being relations doesn’t mean you can’t have relations.” What human being could possibly show all of that in the
time allowed? So while you are staring and writing staring and writing answer me this…do you want an audition
or a bowl of ravioli? Because I guess I could act that too.
Floating in the Air
By Ross Schexnayder
I’m not going to stop this time, I’m not. Little old me, who used to sit in the corner, who used to take less than
what she wanted, who used to just sit back while everyone else went riding through the clouds; and for the first
time it doesn’t feel conceited or arrogant or…whatever awful things you used to tell me feeling like this was. I
smiled today and it felt wonderful because today it was my smile and no one else’s. Today, I can fly too. Are you
listening? It doesn’t matter if you are because I’m going forward from now on. No more set backs, I’m alive. Do
you hear that world? I’m alive!
See What Happened Was…
By Ross Schexnayder
It isn’t my fault. I can explain why my shoe is missing, why there is a hole in the window, and the nose is missing
off your garden gnome. You see my bed is way to close to the window, and well, when you turn off the light, the
window becomes a portal to an alternate universe. Not just any universe…(looks both ways) an evil universe.
Shhhhh, you can’t let it hear, it might open up and be…evil. And that’s how my shoe disappeared, see, an “evil”
monster lurched out of the portal, turned my CD player on and started to do an “evil” break dance. He made me
watch him for two hours, and then, oh it’s almost too difficult to say, he made me get up with him and…dance. He
forced me into a malicious kick line, and kept telling me to kick higher. “Higher…higher…higher” he said…I was
about to kick the sky when suddenly, my shoe flew off, bounced off the ceiling fan, ricocheted off my Johnny
Depp poster…he is so cute…and then poof, through the glass and did rhinoplasty on the Gnome’s nose. The hole
in the window caused a disruption in the portal and sucked the monster back through it just before you walked in.
You see? Maybe if you had bought me a good window instead of an evil one, this would never have happened.
(pause)
Grounded? That’s what I thought.
Where Have All The Good Princes Gone?
By Ross Schexnayder
I have got to be the worst fairy tale princess ever! Those other girls make it look so easy with their sugar and spice
and everything nice routine…please. The whole thing is rigged, right from the beginning, and I got the worst part
of the deal. For instance: Ariel, Snow White, Rapunzel, Cinderella, and Aurora. Those are award winning
names…shows some thought. Their fairy God-mothers were looking out for them on the day they were born;
unlike mine who was out with the tooth fairy playing bingo at the Happily Ever After Rest Home. So, I get
named…Bruenhilda, oh yeah, Bruenhilda from the kingdom of Swampfoot Falls. Snow White lives in the forest
with dwarves, Cinderella talks to field mice and birds, Ariel hangs out with a crab and a flounder, while I, in
Swampfoot Falls, sit on a lily pad avoiding explosive swamp gas and giant singing mosquitoes that call themselves
the Blending Blood Suckers. What half decent prince would ever want to marry a girl who comes from a kingdom
that smells something like when a cat vomits up a dill pickle? I’ve tried; heaven knows I’ve tried everything. I
pricked myself on a spinning wheel, but it got infected and I had to get a tetanus shot. I threw my hair out of a
tower and a prince started to climb it, but I had a really cheap weave put in and…well…it fell out and so did he. I
thought about dressing up as a mermaid, but all the Kingdom Costume Shop had left, was a chicken outfit, and I
gave up after the third prince who came by laughingly asked me “Why did I cross the road?” I don’t know what
I’m going to do; dwarves creep me out; I’m allergic to seafood; all the fairies are mad at me because I wouldn’t
clap for Tinkerbell…don’t ask but she started it; and quite frankly…poisonous apples just give me gas. I don’t
know how I’m going to get a prince, if I don’t find him soon I’ll be the last Bruenhilda of Swampfoot Falls.
Tonight my father is sending me to a ball with Prince Dexter…Prince Dexter of Mucusville. He may sound awful
but he snot…I mean he is not. Oh dear! I hope he gets me back in time, if he doesn’t get me back before
midnight, his carriage turns into a giant runny nose with a cold…I better bring extra tissues. Why couldn’t I’ve
been born an ogre? At least they like living in a swamp.
The Funny Guy
By Ross Schexnayder
Why am I always the funny guy? No, really, I’m asking. What is it? Yeah I can make a Pratt fall down two
flights of stairs…on my face…in high-waters…look easy, I can be the guy who sees a person with their fly open
and say “well, its cheaper than air conditioning,” and so what if every time I laugh its followed by a respiratory
outburst (demonstrates by bellowing a large gasp of air), but after all of this I never walk home with someone
beautiful on my arm. I constantly watch the guy who says nothing, who does nothing, who probably has a wind-up
key somewhere on his body; walk away with the girl of my dreams every time. It’s not just that though, it’s this
constant squeezing pressure in the pit of my stomach that everyone is relying on me for some sense of release.
They get to live all their lives like little inhuman trolls because at some point they’ll cross my path and they can
feel better about it because I make them laugh. From this I don’t get a day off, I’m on 24/7, because if I’m not
they say “what’s the matter with him, is he having problems at home.” I don’t get a day just to be human because
I’m not, I’m that strange species from the planet rubber chicken who slid his way here on a banana peel for the
world’s enjoyment. Look, I’m not saying it’s a horrible life, I’m just saying that…well…it’s lonely. And I’m tired
of being alone, laughing at myself in the mirror. I just wanted to say it; I’m tired of being alone. There it is,
now…point me to the kitchen, my face has a date with a cream pie.
NEON SIGN
By Ross Schexnayder
I love puzzles. You know when you’re little and your parents give you those square puzzles with the huge wooden
pieces and the tiny plastic knobs on them, I would just giggle every time they would give them to me. Said my
face would light up like a neon sign. (makes face light up with a smile) What makes them so much fun is
dumping out all the pieces, finding the edges and watching this mass of nothing but cardboard make a picture. See
what makes puzzles special is that you need every piece. Some of them are square, with fuzzy colors and make up
the corners; some of them seem to have no nameable shape at all and fit in the middle; a few have sharp edges and
take a lot of work to find their place; and some are round and have beautiful images on them and fit right in
without having to try. But no matter what, if one piece is missing the puzzle just won’t work. People look at a
puzzle and they can never see how it fits together because they only see its differences, but if you flip them over
where the colors and shapes aren’t as recognizable you see them as one piece out to do one thing…complete the
puzzle. I’ve always felt it’s not the picture that is defined by the pieces, but the pieces that are defined by the
picture they make. That makes me smile, like a neon sign.
Comfort Man
By Ross Schexnayder
If I could be a super hero, I think my super hero name would be "Comfort Man." With the power to get
comfortable anywhere at anytime. Let’s say if I was on a plane and it was about to crash, I would activate my
super power and immediately feel my butt cheeks start to relax and my mind drift to frogs hopping to lily pads as
the wings peel away and we plummet quickly to the ground. I'd have the ability to crush ice extremely fast so I
can make that seven fruit daiquiri before the big game starts. The ability to stop a bead of sweat from falling down
my forehead and suck itself back into the pore from which it came. The ability to make a Lazy-boy appear
magically for any time I have to wait in line, especially at the DMV, so my bones could rest like a bear in the midst
of winter. And most importantly when city hall would come to me to help stop that comet the size of Texas
heading for the Gulf of Mexico, I would merely say “at least all of our cars will get washed.” Yes, I would be
Comfort Man. So back ache and time crunching stressors beware, because Comfort Man is on the recline.
MINI-LOGUES FOR YOUNG ACTORS by Karen Burns
Girl
One thing I know, is that I LOVE adventures! When I get older I could totally see myself leading a safari in
Africa! I would drive one of those Hummers and I would wear one of those awesome safari hats! And who
knows…I might have to wrestle a lion or do something even more dangerous! You just wait…they’ll write a book
about me one day!
Girl
To me, there is nothing more beautiful than a horse! Especially MY horses! I have five of them you know? They
get so excited when I bring them a carrot, or hay, or a sugar cube! I love them all. I really do. But to tell you the
truth, my favorite one is Princess. But promise you won’t tell the other four!
Girl
Sometimes when I’m in a big group of people, I feel like everybody has someone to talk to, but I don’t. It’s hard
for me to go up and talk to people I don’t know. But wait…I really don’t KNOW all of you that well-but I am
talking to you and I’m not nervous! Can you believe it?
Girl
So…last night I decided to make a dozen chocolate chip cookies. I was so excited because I was going to bring
them today and share them with everyone…but you see…I am addicted to sugar…so I tried one…and then
four…and before I knew it they were all gone! So does anyone want a peanut butter sandwich?
Girl
What do you mean you don’t think I can do this part? Just wait a second! I’ve been in movies! Do you hear me?
I’ve acted with some really awesome people and they liked me! I can be dramatic, scared, excited, and serious!
Oh, and take a look at this death scene (act out a knife to the heart and die in a funny way)! So…do I have the
part?
Girl
Why can’t you understand that because I am the oldest I deserve to have what I want! It’s hard taking care of all
my brothers and sisters—I need some relaxation! I need a vacation! I want you to send me to Disneyworld and
I’d like to stay in Cinderella’s castle! That is where we princesses belong, so can you make that happen?
Girl
You know? There is nothing better than being onstage! Just up there singing and dancing in front of everyone
gives you such a rush! And then when they stand up and clap for you, it’s better than winning the lottery!
Girl
My friends say I’m hyper, but really I’m just excited…all the time….about EVERYTHING! So if being excited
and not being able to stand still means I’m hyper—well then I am the most hyper girl in the entire world! Okay
well, it’s been fun talking to you, but I gotta run!!!
Girl
Hola! Que Pasa? Okay, why are ya’ll looking at me like that? What? You’ve never seen a girl speak Spanish
before? I know…I know…I’m a little different! But different can be great! And if you think I probably like
Mexican food…well you’re right! I’m a middle child, so I had to make myself stand out! Well, I gotta go; I’m
late for Spanish class! Adios amigos!
Girl
Shhh…Come here…I have a secret to tell you! I…love…to…talk!! I really do! I could stand here and talk for
hours about my horses, how I love to play on the computer, how much I love to sing and dance, and how wild I can
be! I could really talk and talk from sunrise to sunset and I don’t know if I would be able to say all the things I
need to say! So...wait…what’s happening (pretend to lose your voice)?? I think my voice is going away! This is
terrible! Is there a doctor in the house??
Girl
Okay, so this last softball game was the best one I’ve ever played! Did you see how I got that runner out? I’ve
never thrown that fast in my life! And when I got up to bat, it’s like I knew I was going to hit it and hit it hard! I
felt this power in my arms that I’ve never felt before! All the girls on my team were jumping and cheering—and I
was the one who won the game for us! Me! I love this game!
Girl
I’m not saying I hate being an older sister! I just hate when my little brother takes things that don’t belong to him!
I love Mike and Ike’s candy…I had a brand new box but I couldn’t find it. So I went searching for it. My brother
said he didn’t know where it was, but something told me to look in his room anyway. And do you know what I
found?? There in his disgustingly smelly shoe, he had hidden my box of Mike and Ike’s! If he thinks I’m going to
eat them now, he’s crazy!
Girl
Just because more boys like rodeos and riding horses than girls do, it doesn’t mean that we should only play with
dolls and dresses! Boys aren’t the only ones who know how to have fun! I am a true country girl and I love going
to rodeos! And one of these days, those same boys that make fun of me now are going to be eating my dust when I
beat them in a roping contest! Look out boys!
Girl
In my opinion, my dream vacation would be to go Hawaii and swim with the dolphins! I saw this show on the
Discovery channel about it! You can actually get in the ocean with your snorkel gear and the trainer lets you grab
onto the dorsal fin and you ride! They go so fast through the water and you hold on to the fin with both hands and
just ride the waves! That would be the ultimate vacation to me!
Girl
Did you know I could fly? No really…I can! This summer I’m going to get in this huge metal thing and I’m
going to be thrown into the sky and I’ll fly! I can’t wait! They say that there are these really cool seats you sit it
and they bring you something to drink while you’re way up in the air! And the coolest thing is that I can use my
MP3 player or my computer while I’m thousands of miles above the ground! Have you ever heard of anything
cooler than that?
Girl
This is hard—you know—talking in front of a crowd. You know how they say if you’re scared to just picture
everybody without their clothes on. Well that doesn’t work for me. I picture everyone being grilled cheese
sandwiches and Dr. Peppers. There is no better food or drink in the world! So I know if I pretend all you people
are grilled cheese and Dr. Pepper then I could stay up here and talk forever! The only bad thing is, you’re all
starting to look really tasty!
Girl
I would love to come and hang out with you girls today after school, but I’m training. What do you mean for
what? The Olympics of course! I only have a few years before I’m old enough to join the team! I’ll be in the
Summer Olympics for swimming! You should see how fast I am already. And you just wait; I bet I’ll end up
being the first woman ever to race against the men! I plan on making history! Ladies and Gentlemen, the gold
medal goes to….ME!!!
Girl
I don’t think of myself as a tomboy at all! I mean, I can’t help that I’m a girl and I just happen to ride my fourwheeler better than any boy I know! Hahaha! But really, when I’m on my four-wheeler going fast with the wind
in my hair, it’s just the coolest thing! I can really be myself! Some girls don’t really get that. I don’t need to be in
a dress playing with dolls to be girly. I am just as much a girl going through mud holes and spinning my tires
around corners! So if any of you girls don’t mind getting dirty, just jump on and let’s go!
Girl
Since I’m an only child, the world is at my fingertips! I don’t have to share my time with anyone else. I get to do
all the things I want to do. Swimming and softball are two of my favorite things to do. I can do a cannon ball like
you’ve never seen! And I keep getting better and better at my hitting and throwing. So you want to come
swimming this weekend? You have to baby-sit your little sister? Ooohh, that’s too bad!
Girl
I could see myself on TV one day. No, really, I could! Look at this face! This is a TV and movie type of face! I
would want to be on a comedy-that’s for sure. I could be Hannah Montana’s sidekick or I could be a guest star on
the Suite Life of Zack and Cody. That would be very cool. Or if I was on Zoey 101 I could be the girl in school
who’s always on skates. That would be awesome—mainly because I love to skate! So make sure you watch,
because you might see me on TV soon!
Girl
I really need help! You see I am a singer and a writer and I’m stuck on this one lyric that I’m trying to write. I
decided I was going to write a song and send it to the Jonas Brothers and see if they would record it on their next
album! So here’s the lyric: We have so much fun, your smile is like the sun, you always keep me laughing, until
tomorrow______. It's that last word...I can't think of one to rhyme with fun and sun...This is driving me crazy!
How will I land a record deal with this writer’s block? What if this block lasts until tomorrow comes?
Wait….wait…that’s it!!! Until tomorrow comes! Look out Miley Cyrus---here I come!!!
Boy
My favorite number is 32! You know why? That’s Shaq’s number! Oh yes, Shaquille O’Neal! He’s only the best
player out there today! And I’m going to be just like him! Did you know he’s 7 feet tall? Right now I’m about 4
feet tall, so that means I only have to grow 3 more feet. I heard that if you hang upside down from the monkey
bars for an hour, you can grow taller! And he can hold an entire basket ball with one hand. I’ve been doing hand
stretches every night to make mine big! And his feet are huge! I can put both my feet into one of his shoes! I
figured out that if a can get my friend’s dog to put my foot in its mouth and pull, my feet will get longer! Okay
well I gotta go—I got a meeting with a dog!
Boy
The Jonas Brothers have nothing on me! I don’t even think they play their own instruments. I play electric bass
and I’m actually pretty good. I’m starting my own band. I’m trying out names for us. I think those guys in the
Naked Brothers Band have a stupid name. I’m thinking of “Fish and Chips” or “The Deodorants” or “The Paper
Cuts!” What do you think? I’m kinda leaning towards “The Deodorants” only because some of the guys who
want to be in the band could use some deodorant if you know what I mean??!! So are you gonna come and hear
us?
Boy
I am what you call the big man on campus! I have tons of friends and I’m the one who has the parties! Mostly
pool parties—I have a pool at my house. When the guys come over, we’ll have cannonball contests and one time I
made such a big splash that the wave hit my friend who was standing by the pool and it made him fall in. He
didn’t even have a swimsuit on! So his clothes were soaked—it was awesome! So I’m thinking of having a party
this weekend. Wanna come?
Boy
I am into crazy stunts. I don’t mean little stunts or kid stuff. I mean EXTREME stunts. I like jumping off high
stuff and slamming into the ground! People say they think I should be a stunt man and be on movies. That would
be awesome! I could be Spiderman’s stunt double and when the real actor guy doesn’t want to jump off the
buildings, then I would do it for him. They would put me in this harness with a wire hooked up to me and I would
jump from 20 stories high and land on this big blown up cushion thing that would keep me from hitting the ground.
That would look awesome in a movie—and it would all be me! Me—the EXTREME STUNTS MAN!
Boy
Cheeseburger! Just that word makes my stomach growl! Cheeeesebuuurger!! That is my favorite food. Now I
don’t want just any cheeseburger—I only want the ones from McDonald’s—they are the best! Just think, when I
turn 16 I can get a job working there and I could eat one every day! And then I could become manager and then I
could end up owning the whole company and I’ll be so rich that I can eat cheeseburgers for breakfast, lunch, and
dinner for the rest of my life! By the way, how much longer do I have to be here? Because I’m hungry!!
Boy
Sometimes after school, I like to go in my backyard and shoot things! I have this fence where I can sit stuff on and
I use them as targets! I can knock a bottle off the fence with one shot and I’ll be standing 40 feet away! I’m that
good! When I get older I’m thinking about playing paint ball on a team. With my shooting skills, I could easily
take out the other teams! I’m that good!