HELLO HAROLD
By Sharon Argo
Characters In Order of Appearance
Harriet Speldmen, 70’s
Stella, early 40’s
Judith, early 40’s
Harold, late 40’s
Bobby, early 40’s
Calvin, early 20’s
Writer, young man, early to late 20’s
ACT ONE
SCENE ONE
Time
Present
Place
The setting is New England coast at a small cottage. On one side of the stage is a living room
is furnished in a somewhat esoteric and flamboyant style. There are stairs leading to a
balcony. On one wall there is a huge portrait of a young man and woman in their 30’s both
dressed in the style of the 1960’s. Both are impeccably dressed. Except the man’s face is
obscured by a dark film. There is a large table on the side of the stage which serves as a
dining room. There are French doors to one side of the stage.
It is early evening.
Standing on stage is Speldmen dressed in ridiculous attire, a rain cap and a tattered
dress and sneakers which don’t match. She is peering out the window. When a door
slams she hurriedly goes over to the closet and pulls out a vacuum cleaner. She begins
humming a Disney tune while running a vacuum cleaner across the floor. The cleaner is
not on. There is a knock on the door. After several knocks Stella, a woman in her early
forties, impeccably dressed enters, walks in and places her suitcase on the floor while
watching Speldmen. She also puts her purse on the dining room table.
Stella: Pardon me?
Speldmen, briefly acknowledges Stella then continues running the vacuum across the
floor.
Stella: [Stella begins following Speldmen around the room] Hello. Hello!
Speldmen: [as if she is turning off the vacuum walks over to a window] The East Coast really is
charming. So perfect this time of year. [as soon as Stella enters, Speldmen continues pretending
to vacuum] Don’t you just love the winter rains with the spring solstice.
Stella: It’s summer and there is no spring solstice.
Speldmen: Don’t you know it’s not polite to correct a spring chicken like me?
Stella: I apologize. Hi, I’m Stella. [she goes to extend her hand but is ignored] It is a perfect
summer day.
Speldmen: No dear I’m not perfect. Although my late husband used to think so. He used to
say I was as perfect as a one eared grasshopper. Do you like grasshoppers?
Stella: Not particularly, no. Are you Ms. Speldmen, our landlord?
Speldmen: [intentionally ignoring the question] We’ve been here fifty years.
Stella: Oh, well fifty years, so you’re…
Stella begins walking around inspecting the room. She picks up several strange objects.
Speldmen: My ears! It’s not polite to talk about one’s hearing. Mine is peached up. My poor
husband uses, well used that phrase all the live long day, peached up. I love peaches and
flowers, especially gerbils.
Speldmen pushes past Stella and goes to the window.
Speldmen: Do you fancy gerbils? You don’t mind if I do a little gardening do you?
Stella: No, I don’t mind. Are you the maid?
Speldmen: Every morning at 4 a.m. When I rise and shed, I head straight for the gardening
tools.
Stella: That is a scary thought.
Speldmen: You see I think that this garden is in such sad decay.
Stella: It looks fine to me. Now what did you say your name was?
Speldmen: That’s when the petunias are ripe you see. See the petunias?
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Stella: No. [laughs uncomfortably].
Steinway: Are you blind? I’m sorry to hear that really I am. Do you need to borrow my
glasses? I only wear them for show. [She takes them off and offers them to Stella who shakes
her head no. Speldmen then walks into the wall] Is that you handyman? Well, I hope the
neighborhood handyman won’t bother you?
Stella: I’m sure he won’t.
Speldmen: He likes pretty girls. He really likes pretty girls.
Stella: Well that’s good because I’m not a girl anymore.
Speldmen: And you’re certainly not pretty. What are you, around 60?
Stella: You know, umh, I think I’ll take my suitcase upstairs, if you don’t mind. You can let
yourself out. Don’t bother locking the door, [hinting] unless you have a key?
Speldmen: The key is under the front door mat. We neighbors go in and out wily nilly. We all
know everyone’s story. [She looks into closet] Hello handyman now do you think you can
behave yourself? He wonders around like a ghost, but not like Hamlet’s ghost he’s not that
sophisticated.
Stella takes her suitcase and begins heading upstairs.
Stella: Alright then.
Speldmen: You should take the bedroom on the far right.
Stella: Really?
Speldmen: Oh that is the most interesting of the rooms here at the mansion. I would tell you
why but my memory isn’t as shifty as it used to be. The mind has a way of playing tricks on the
mind you know. Can’t store a twit in this box I call a head. Wait! By golly I do believe I
remember now. It started out as a rainy day in Georgia. No wait that’s another story. Wait!
Don’t be in such a hurry. I remember like it was today. Upstairs in that room to the far right is
where Harold Speldmen died. Did you know him? No, you wouldn’t, you’re not from around
here. Everyone who is anyone knows the Speldmans. Famous actors here at the riverside.
Stella: Seaside.
Speldmen: That’s what I said isn’t it?
Stella now has stopped at the stairs either now amused or interested.
Speldmen: [In a whisper] Died before you were even born. In the 60’s. Look at that portrait
there on the wall. That’s him!
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Stella: You can’t see his face.
Speldmen: It’s been worn down by the ravages of time.
Stella: And the woman is his wife, Ms. Speldmen?
Speldmen: It’s a secret. She’s a secret.
Stella: Oh, are you sure that isn’t Mrs. Speldmen?
Speldmen: Are you daft? Anyhoo, he was a famous actor here at the Coast. Handsome devil.
We all wanted him, if you know what I mean.
Stella: Okay then. Thank you for that story, my goodness. Now if you’re not going to introduce
yourself….
Speldmen: He died a mysterious death right here in that bedroom to the far right. [No longer
in conspirator’s tone but flippantly] It’s still a charming room. Lovely wallpaper in a pretty
pastel salmon tone with lampshades to match. Gruesome death really. He tripped and fell off
the pier. But,we still adored that man even when we saw his corpse wash up on the shore. We
weren’t though as nearly as attracted to him, physically I mean.
Stella: He died twice? Okay, wow now that’s a story.
Speldmen: You shouldn’t make fun of the dead. [She goes over and kisses the man’s face on
the portrait]
Enter front door Judith a woman in her early forties. She enters with a dramatic flair.
She falls into the front living room while dropping bags and cursing under her breath.
She stops short when she sees Speldmen. They both stare at each other for several
seconds.
Speldmen: Are you the other lesbian?
Judith: I’m a thespian not a lesbian. [to Stella] Who is she? [Stella shrug]
Speldmen: [arrogantly] I really must be going.
Speldmen exits with nose in the air but not before she walks over and kicks the vacuum.
Judith: She thinks I’m a lesbian. Do I look like a lesbian? Who is that crazy old bat?
Stella: I don’t know. She might be our landlord, our maid, the handyman.
Judith goes around inspecting the room.
Judith: You know this place is weird?
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Stella: It really doesn’t look anything like the ad.
Judith: Bobby will like it.
Stella: Yep.
Judith goes over to the double doors to peer out followed by Stella.
Judith: Ah, it’s just for the weekend.
Stella: Yes, and that’s a good thing. The sea looks nice
Judith: It’s good you chose a warmer climate this time.
Stella: It’s rustic but it’s a little secluded which should be nice.
Judith: Right for sunbathing in the nude. Nice balcony.
Stella: Lanai.
Judith: Yes, Lanai. Have you chosen your bedroom yet? I want to put my suitcases down and
just relax and go out and smell the cool [tries to open the French doors with her usual dramatic
flair but the doors won’t open] what the hell? What are these prop doors?
Stella: You might really enjoy this place it seems like there’s a whole lot of drama going on here
at the mansion.
Judith: Maybe the only drama I’ll experience ever again. The parts are slim to none after 40.
Judith picks up suitcase and starts up the stairs.
Stella: You can have the bedroom to the far right. That’s Harold Speldmen’s room.
Judith: Who’s Harold Speldman?
Stella: [with some degree of sarcasm] Don’t you know, a famous actor?
Judith comes back down the stairs and plops down onto the sofa.
Judith: I can’t get a part. Community Theatre is my life. Do you think it’s because I look like a
lesbian? Am I masculine? That must be it. I am growing a slight mustache.
Stella: You’re fine. How’s Jeffrey?
Judith: [begins wailing] Who gives a shit! The bastard left me for a younger woman.
Stella: You are the younger woman.
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Judith: Don’t tell Bobby, she’ll start that new age crap that it’s karma, cause he was screwing
me the younger woman while he was still a married man. I can hear her now. Please don’t tell
her.
Stella: Alright.
Judith: She’ll try to read my future. New age voodoo.
Stella: It’s fun.
Judith: It’s not fun. When we were fifteen she hexed us for life when she forced us to play with
that Ouija board. It scared me so badly I have never been right since.
Stella: Ah drama queen.
Judith: You know I love Bobby but if she brings some of that holy food I’m going to vomit on
her organic dress she sells at her organic shop for vegans or whatever crap she’s selling now.
Stella: You’re displacing your anger.
Judith: I am not.
Stella: Bobby has unique tastes that’s all.
Judith: It all tastes like dog shit and you know it.
Stella: Yes it does. Are you satisfied that I am agreeing with you?
Judith: Yes, I feel better now.
Stella goes to her purse and pulls out cell phone.
Stella: No signal.
[She goes over to phone on table picks up receiver]
Stella: There’s no dial tone.
Judith: There’s no one to call me or me to call. [She begins crying hysterically]
Stella: How can I call Joan? She’ll be frantic. She’s still a titty baby and oh god that boyfriend.
Judith: At least she has someone to love and protect her.
Stella: I don’t think so. Calvin is a bit of a moron.
The front door opens and Bobby, a voluptuous woman enters. She is dressed in a
Bohemian style outfit.
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Bobby: Free free at last, oh lord I’m free. I really like this place. [She plops down beside Judith]
So has old Henry found himself a younger woman?
Judith: What the hell?
Stella: Don’t look at me, she’s psychic remember?
Bobby: Oh my god, am I right? I wasn’t being serious.
Judith: Yes, he did Bobby. And, and, you have a mustache.
Bobby: Really? Oh, I don’t care. Three glorious weeks without anyone to nag me. You guys
know I really adore Rauel, but sometimes he’s like a little old woman. You think I have a
mustache? Speaking of hair, so your hairy ape found someone younger? I never liked the guy.
Judith: You met him once.
Bobby: Bad vibes.
Judith: [bursts into verse] ‘True. But there’s my room. Necessity knows no rules.’ ‘Beer? On a
midsummer eve? No thank you! I can do better than that. See that?’
Bobby: What?
Stella: A performance.
Bobby: Oh, yes of course.
Judith wonders around the room as if performing on stage.
Judith: ‘Yellow Seal! Give me a glass.’
Bobby: Bravo. Beer sounds good right about now, doesn’t it? [Bobby begins rummaging in
her purse] Honey, you were so good in that performance. Puck was your best character yet.
Judith: I was Hermia!
Bobby: No, you were Puck.
Judith: I wouldn’t play a man’s part because… men are pigs!
Bobby: In your case yours is, was an orangutan.
Judith now is sitting beside Bobby.
Judith: I want a man who is dignified and suave. I want Gary Grant.
Stella: I’ll bet he’s not too pretty anymore.
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Judith: He’ll always be pretty to me.
Bobby: Lord that is your idea of the perfect man?
Judith: Yes.
Bobby: He’s a sissy. A good man would be John Wayne, now that was a man. A big old strong
cowboy. Stella say something.
Stella: The perfect man is a gay one. Friends without the benefits.
Bobby: You are a sad woman.
Stella: Sex was never that great for me.
Bobby: Oh honey that really is a shame. There are alternative tools.
Judith: Are they organic?
Bobby: That reminds me I better call Rauel. [She goes to phone and begins dialing] He worries
about me like a little school girl. He is just a nervous wreck. He sits all day and watches horror
flicks at the shop. He’s going to give himself a heart attack. Stella you can borrow Rauel if you
want. Where’s your cell honey this thing doesn’t work?
Judith: Better not you said they cause cancer.
Stella: No reception out here.
Bobby: Rauel is just going to have to panic. You really can borrow Rauel. He’s a nice gay male.
Stella: Thanks.
Judith: I’m too old to meet anyone. I’m just going to grow old and saggy.
Bobby: Oh honey, you just need the right moisturizer, that’s all.
Stella: You look fine. We’re not old.
Bobby: I think it is time to have a card reading. I just have a feeling.
Judith: Oh, please. You can’t. You don’t have any beer, you can’t do a reading without beer.
Bobby: I have brought both the Tarot and beer, right here in my purse. They don’t have
organic beer here, I know that much. [She pulls out two large beers, a deck of the cards and an
opener] Go close the curtains.
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Judith: Alright, but it doesn’t matter nothing is happening in my life. [She goes to the window
and grudgingly returns to sit next to Bobby]
Bobby starts shuffling the deck with immense intensity while she hands the beers to
Stella who opens them and begins passing around the bottles which they all alternately
drink from. Stella pulls a chair over to the sofa.
Bobby: Let’s all breathe deeply and concentrate.
Judith: I can’t do both.
Bobby: Judy.
Judith: Don’t call me Judy. It’s patronizing.
Bobby: Everyone close your eyes. [She continues to shuffle furiously. Then stops and places
three cards on the table] I’m feeling the vibes. [Judith still has her eyes open and is playing with
her nails]
Bobby: [She opens her eyes and looks intently at the cards on the table] Oh boy.
Judith: [In mock amazement] What?!
Bobby: [She leans over and pats Judith’s hand] This is obviously your card reading.
Judith: Oh bullshit. Oh look everyone out the doors there’s a red bird. What does that mean?
Bobby: That there is a red bird outside. Oh my god, this reading. I shouldn’t continue.
Judith: No, no go ahead.
Bobby: Alright, but I warned you. This card is the Moon.
Judith: I love the moon. I know that the moon is romantic.
Bobby: That’s nice honey. But this card represents mystery, intuition, psychic ability, deception
and danger.
Judith: Well, of course it does. You take something nice like the moon and for me it turns into
deception, danger.
Bobby: Doesn’t always mean the outcome is going to be a bad one.
Judith: Deception, danger?
Bobby: Maybe we should wait until tomorrow. A new day a new reading.
Judith: You are never giving me another reading.
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Judith stands picks up her bags and rushes upstairs.
Judith: The bedroom on the right is mine because it was a famous actor’s, Harold …?
Stella: Speldmen.
Judith: Speldmen, right.
Judith exits.
Bobby: [to Stella] I couldn’t tell her. It was full of energy from the beyond. And you know how
Judith overreacts sometimes. And see, there is the Transformation card beside the Moon
card. Total deception in her future. This weekend is going to be full of the occult. Outside
forces at play. I also feel a male presence. He’s sort of the mischievous type.
Stella: The handyman.
Bobby: Maybe, what? It’s a male presence yes but I’m not sure why I can’t get a clearer picture
of him.
Stella: How about we unpack and go down to the main street, have some dinner?
Bobby: Sure. Sometimes I can get a physical image, only not this time, he’s all mushed up.
Stella takes her bags as well and proceeds up the stairs. Bobby stays sitting while
contemplating the cards.
Speldman enters with fake fruit. She walks past Bobby, not saying a word and places
the fruit in a bowl on the table. Then she exits.
Bobby: If they would just concentrate on the powers of Aphrodite we could all have a
wonderful man.
The lights flicker and then Bobby is in total darkness for several seconds until the lights
return. There is Harold standing behind the sofa, dressed in cowboy attire from the
1940’s.
Harold: [In a true Texas drawl] That is true, my lady.
Bobby: [She stands alarmed. Throughout the scene they move around the sofa] What!?
Harold: Sorry ma’m, did I frighten you? Sure didn’t mean to do that, no siree. I just overheard
you talkin’ about wanting a real cowboy and well ma’m here I am.
Bobby: What? I don’t want a cowboy.
Harold: Don’t be coy, sure you do, you said so yourself.
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Bobby: Oh my god, you’re one those killers who hide in the closet and then make your move.
Harold: I plan to make a move but not a killer’s move but a lover’s move. And your name is?
Let me guess, Sally comes to mind. That’s the name for a full-figured woman. My you are a
good looking woman. All the right curves in all the right places.
Bobby: Oh, Rauel told me to bring my mace.
Harold: Who is Rauel, is he your husband? Don’t tell me you are spoken for? I’ll kill myself
right here on the spot. It will break this ole cowboy’s heart in two. It sure will.
Bobby: I’ll scream. My friends are right upstairs. And believe me they are tough.
Harold: Rauel is your husband! I’m devastated!
Bobby: No, he’s not my husband. I don’t have one. The bastard died years ago.
Harold: Maybe I’ve met him. Of course if he was a bastard then he probably wound up on the
other side. Did he die on a horse?
Bobby: The other side of what? He didn’t die on a horse although stoned he did ride a few saw
horses. It was a drug overdose. It was afterall the 70’s. Why am I having this conversation
with you? You really need to go away back to the home or prison or the asylum.
Harold sits on the sofa.
Harold: Home. I miss Texas. I lived there long long ago. Oh I see you like the cards. My wife
did too. I sure miss her. I come back here for the memories. We stayed here on many an
occasion. I still have a key to the place.
Bobby: So that’s how you got in.
Harold: We had a ranch in Dallas. With many horses. My favorite was Winston. Do you like
horses?
Bobby: Uh, yeah.
Harold: That was how my poor wife, Daphne met her maker. On Winston. I had to shot him.
It was the worst day of my life. [ very emotional]
Bobby: You need to cut the crap.
Harold: If I am scaring you I will leave ma’m. You remind me of my lost wife. A simple woman
of beauty. A woman who could become catatonic at the sight of a bluebird in distress. My
death was senseless.
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