MEMO
To: Gregg W. Steinhafel
From: Elizabeth Cardona
Date : 02/08/13
Subject: Internship Writing Sample
The following memo serves as evidence of my writing skills, as requested as part of my
application This memo has been composed in five sections: 1) an overview (below), 2)
a scenario response, 3) a discussion of my process and a conclusion. I have also
attached an early draft in an Appendix. These sections document my writing process
when asked to respond to a hypothetical customer’s email.
In this particular scenario, I am a student worker for Smithfield College Fund
responding to a parent with questions about a recent fundraising program for all the
graduating seniors. Parents are able to purchase an engraved brick to be placed on the
Senior Path commemorating their sons and daughters on graduating. The parent, Ms.
Schlegel has questions about ordering a second brick for her daughter’s grandmother
who is an alumni. She is able to purchase two bricks, the second brick will cost $150
just like the first. Payment can be done on one single check for both bricks or by credit
card. She should write her grandmothers information on the same form as her
daughter’s.
Ms. Schlegel also wants to know where exactly the senior path is, where the bricks will
be placed exactly and if she can get her two bricks placed side by side. The Senior Path
will be in the main walkway of the campus by the Student Center. My Supervisor is not
sure if the two bricks can be placed side by side so I will have to respond that we will
try our best. I am also making sure to inform her that each family will receive a diagram
to easily locate each brick along the path.
Copyright © 2012 Elizabeth Cardona. All rights reserved. 1 Scenario Response
To: Della Schlegel <dschlegel@gmail.com>
From: Elizabeth Cardona <ecardona@scf.com>
Date: February 8, 2013
Subject: Response to commemorative bricks questions
Dear Ms. Schlegel:
Thank you for contacting us with your questions concerning the commemorative brick
forms for the upcoming graduation. To answer your questions, you are able to order a
second brick at the price of $150 as well. Please write her Grandmothers first and last
name as well as the graduation year on the same form as your daughters. Also, you
can submit payment for the two bricks together either by check or by credit card to
your convenience.
The Senior path is in the main walkway of the campus that runs between the student
center and some of the school’s oldest buildings. The bricks will be organized by each
graduating year, we will do our best to have your two bricks placed side by side. Each
family will receive a diagram of the path so you can easily find your bricks. We are glad
to hear that you and your family are taking the opportunity to commemorate your
daughter and her Grandmothers graduation. Please notify us if you have any further
questions or concerns.
Sincerely,
Elizabeth Cardona
Smithfield College Fund Offices Representative
Copyright © 2012 Elizabeth Cardona. All rights reserved. 2 Composition Process
Figure 1 The Three Step Writing Process
Using the information from Figure 1 I was able to provide a more effective response
to the scenario than originally produced.
By analyzing the information I was able to use a direct approach in responding to the
readers questions. I was also able to adapt to my audience by using the “you “
centered approach focused on the readers benefits while being polite. Also, I was able
to revise my response by editing for clarity and conciseness making the readability of
my response improve for the reader.
Copyright © 2012 Elizabeth Cardona. All rights reserved. 3 Conclusion
When using the direct approach to respond to questions it is important to concisely
phrase each answer early in the paragraph. By using the “you” attitude approach, the
reader is able to more efficiently receive the information they want. It is important to
respect the readers time, by eliminating unnecessary words and phrases the reader is
able to reach the information they need quicker. By avoiding indefinite starts and
hedging the reader is able to feel confident that the information they are receiving is
quality information they can trust. Also important in this response was clarity in
responding to her questions. It is essential that her questions are answered clearly and
without any confusion factors such as unnecessary words. Furthermore, when dealing
with a question in which the response is not definite it is always better to focus on
information that is helpful to the situation than use negative terms to explain a fault in
a response. Finally, it is always important to politely address the reader for a follow up
in case any further questions or concerns occur in the future. These practices essential
to this scenario response are relevant in various types of scenarios and have
strengthened my ability to effectively write in a business environment.
Copyright © 2012 Elizabeth Cardona. All rights reserved. 4 APPENDIX - PRELIMINARY DRAFT CRITIQUE
Here is my initial draft to the scenario, followed by a short critique.
Dear Mrs. Schlegel:
Thank you for contacting us with your questions concerning the
commemorative brick forms for the upcoming graduation. We are glad to hear
you and your family are taking part in the celebration of your daughters
graduation. To answer your questions, you are most definitely able to order a
second brick at the same cost of $150. Only one form will be needed, along with
your daughters name please write her Grandmothers name first and last as well
as the graduation year clearly. Also, payment can be submitted for the two bricks
together either by check or by credit card to your convenience.
The Senior path is in the main walkway of the campus that runs between
the student center and some of the school’s oldest buildings. The bricks will be
organized by each graduating year, we will do our best to see about getting your
two bricks placed side by side. Each family will be getting a diagram of the path
so you can easily find them in the case that placing them side by side is not
possible.
Respectfully,
Elizabeth Cardona
Smithfield College Fund Offices
My first response had some aspects that made it less effective than my final response in
accordance to the five characteristics of business writing. The beginning of my first
response did not effectively address the overall purpose for writing which is one of the
five characteristics. By addressing her questions sooner, I was able to gain her attention
sooner and giver her the information she needs.
I was also able to edit for conciseness by deleting unnecessary phrases when
answering her questions. I felt this made the response more effective as it included the
essential answers to her questions in the form of facts and evidence which is the
second characteristic.
I made some revisions to convey more of the “you” attitude approach which
concentrates on the readers benefits in terms of audience as the third characteristic.
The fourth characteristic is formatting in which I made the adjustments to reflect proper
email formatting like no indentations.
Copyright © 2012 Elizabeth Cardona. All rights reserved. 5 The last characteristic is organization in which I did have to make sure to re write using
a direct approach to convey the mostly positive answers to her questions. To shorten
the distance from the beginning to where I answered her questions I removed a
sentence and added it to the end of the response to reflect the direct approach.
Some other issues I removed from the response were use of possible negative outcome
when addressing the case that her bricks could not be placed side by side. By focusing
on possibility that they will be placed and mentioning the diagram I was able to avoid
mentioning the negative information. Also, I revised the sentence explaining the use of
one form for the order and the information that goes on it. I think the issue there was
that the sentence was overly long and poor sentence structure.
Some Strengths I found were that I was able to keep the response as concise as I could
while still effectively answering all of her questions. I kept the response very reader
oriented by using “you” instead of “we” in most sentences.
Copyright © 2012 Elizabeth Cardona. All rights reserved. 6