Unit 2
Extending Your Relationships

Elvis – Can’t Help Falling in Love
• http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BTZ9kkhOY
N4

What are you favourites?
Why do we love them so much?

• I believe in love at first sight
• The love of your life comes along only once
• Love is all we need, we can live on love
• It is impossible to love two people at once
• Love is blind
• It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all
Activity – Your Love Scale – where do you fall?

• What does the word love mean to you? What are the first words that pop into your head? What do you think of when you think of love? How would you explain love?
• 15 sec. reflection:
• What does the word “ love ” mean to you? Share.
• How is love defined?

Love is when your mommy says she'd rather be in hell with you than in heaven with
Jesus―Mikey, age 6
Love has something to do with how you smell. That's why perfume and deodorant are so popular.—Mae, age 9
It isn't always how you look. I'm handsome as anything, and I haven't got anybody to marry me yet.—Brian, age 7
My mommy loves me more than anybody. You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night.—Clare, age 6
I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen when "Dinosaurs" is on TV.—Jill, age
6
When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You just know your name is safe in their mouths.—Billy, age 4

Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on cologne and they go out and smell each other.—Kari, age 5
Love is when mommy sees daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he's handsomer than Robert
Redford.—Chris, age 7
One of you should know how to write a check. Because even if you have tons of love, there will still be lots of bills.—Ava, age 8
Love is when you give somebody most of your French fries without eating any of theirs.—Chrissie, age 6
Love is when mommy makes coffee for daddy and she takes a sip to make sure the taste is OK.—
Danny, age 7
You really shouldn't say I LOVE YOU unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot.
People forget.—Jessica,

If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend you hate.—Nikka, age 6
The rules goes like this: if you kiss someone, you should marry her. It's the right thing to do.—Howard, age 8
Love is when mommy sees daddy on the toilet and doesn't think it's gross.—Mark, age 6

Listen to this song while reading the learning expectations for this unit. https://www.youtube.com/watch
?v=Vzo-EL_62fQ

• Examine theories about love and dating
• Develop an understanding of intimacy, how it is developed and why it is important
• Review good communication
• Develop decision-making skills in matters related to love and dating
• Discuss the challenges and rewards of being single and why people marry (challenges and rewards )

a. Agápe means brotherly love . It can be described as the feeling of being content or holding one in high regard. b. Éros is passionate love, with sensual desire and longing. It can also apply to dating relationships as well as marriage. c. Philia means friendship in modern Greek. It includes loyalty to friends, family, and community

Get your heart out
• Have you ever considered what qualities you want in a partner?
• Why might it be important to have clear guidelines on what you want in a partner?
• Make a list of the “must-have” qualities you have for a potential partner, and a list of “niceto-haves”

• What characteristics
Are non-negotiable? – circle these
• Which ones could you live without? Put an X beside these
• Which ones could change over time? Put a question mark beside these

Look at your heart
• It is important to think about what relationship qualities are important to you
• No one has ALL the relationship qualities you value
• It is important to prioritize the relationship qualities you value most and to ensure your relationships have these to be as healthy as possible
• It is important to GET OUT if it has qualities you do not value or if the relationship is

A. LOVE FOR PRIMARY CAREGIVERS: Love grew beyond yourself to include your primary caregiver as you began to associate your feeling of satisfaction with him/her as your needs were met (clothing, diapering, feeding and loving)
B. LOVE FOR OTHER RELATIVES: The love of grandparents, aunts and uncles and other relatives bought a special sense of security, understanding, and perspective.
C. FIRST LOVE OUTSIDE THE FAMILY: this first love outside of the family was probably your first best friend.
D. LOVE FOR SOMEONE OLDER: This type of love is sometimes called “hero worship”. This person was your role model and exemplified what you wanted to be someday.

e. LOVE FOR COMPANIONSHIP AND PERSONAL GROWTH:
This love begins with general interest in sexuality and continues through dating and life time companionship. f. LOVE FOR CHILDREN: With the feeling of being in a permanent love relationship, comes a nurturing, protecting kind of love for children. This is an unselfish love that provides the ability to give love without expecting anything in return.
G. MATURE LOVE FOR OTHERS: This love affects those you love dearly, but also includes many people you meet and encounter. This is a love for humankind in general.

6. Biological perspectives argue that love is grounded in evolution, biology, and chemistry.
The focus is on physiological responses caused by natural amphetamines in the body.
7. Sociological perspectives claim that culture is key to love.

a. Attachment theory b. Social Exchange theory c. Reiss’s Wheel Theory of Love d. Sternberg’s Triangular Theory of Love

– A. Attachment theory connected with other people.

you “ don’t get something for nothing
”
– Love is given and returned
– is useful for explaining how love relationships change over time.
• adolescence: Love is usually intense and self-centered, romantic love is short-lived
• adulthood: perception of costs and rewards change, for example, nurturing and patience may outweigh looks
• later life: moral values, personality, and good humor may take precedence
• Critics argue this is too mechanical
– Can love be given, but not returned?
– Is love always a two-way street?

D. Sternberg’s Triangular Theory of Love
• has three elements.
– Intimacy
– Passion
– Decision/commitment
• Different degrees of the three elements form different types of love relationships.

C. Reiss’s Wheel Theory of Love
• includes four stages:
– Rapport
– Self-revelation
– Mutual dependency
– Need fulfillment
• The stages can be repeated many times

• Can love be learned?
– Do you define love as simply a feeling?
– Or is it also an expectation?
– Can you be convinced to love someone?

• http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jijt-hP1jxA
Notes on Love verses Infatuation
• Story – Appointment With Love - what is she looking for?
• Activity - Love verses Infatuation

rd
th
• Love essay?
• Myers Briggs
• http://videos.komando.com/watch/4830/viral
-videos-this-comedian-perfectly-sums-upparenthood
• Notes of Reiss’s Wheel Theory
• Complete worksheet on triangle theory (go over)
• Complete Defense Mechanisms

• Why bother???!
• https://www.youtu
be.com/watch?v=8
UVNT4wvIGY
• Heartbreak is often what teaches us what we want or need in love
• How do you deal with it best??

I have found the paradox that if you love until it hurts there can be no more hurt, only love.
Mother Teresa

Watch Doc Zone – Dating Confidential - Answer questions as we Follow
Along! http://www.cbc.ca/player/Shows/Shows/Doc+Zone/The+Confidential+Series
/ID/2529857799/

• The dos and don’ts of heartbreak
• Make a chart – write down what a person should NEVER do when someone breaks their heart
• Next – write down what a person SHOULD do when someone breaks their heart
• Class Discussion

Do
Don’t

• How should you do it?
• Do it in person, in private, tell the truth
• How should you never end a relationship?
• Text, email, message machine, get a friend to do it, use a line, under “the influence”

• http://www.cnn.com/2009/CRIME/04/07/sexting
.busts/#cnnSTCVideo
• http://www.cnn.com/2013/03/17/justice/ohiosteubenville-case/
• Rhetaeh Parsons? http://www.ibtimes.co.uk/anonymous-namerapists-suicide-rehtaeh-parsons-nova-455998
• Sexting – discuss – response is due at end of class
• Read article
• http://www.cbc.ca/doczone/episode/sext-upkids.html# Sexed Up Kids

How do you find, and keep love in your life??
• Question Box submissions – what do you want to learn about dating and romantic relationships?

•
½ Chart Paper : In Groups
• How can you deal with early-on rejection?
• What are great first date ideas?
• What are suggested “do’s/don’ts” of first dates?
• What are the advantages and disadvantages to group dating? (double-dates, groups of couples or couples and friends)
Notes on dating

On your chart paper positive characteristics of girls/guys on a date negative characteristics of guys/girls on a date

• Often labeled as lust or infatuation, this could also be a transition from friendship to more intimate relationship
• What is important to establish during this phase of the relationship?
Boundaries, limits, values, needs, desires, goals, communication

• Feelings of low confidence, low selfesteem
• Casual encounters and emotional rejection
• Cheating
• Conflicts with family and friends
• Frequent fights
• Emotional manipulation/mind games
• Physical health issues
• Mental health issues
• Culture clash
• Abuse
• Break-ups, “on-again, off-again”
• Moving on

• Why choose to be single?
• What are the disadvantages of being single?
• What do single people need to do to avoid feeling lonely?
• “How to be Alone” by
Tanya Davis
– http://www.youtube.co
m/watch?v=k7X7sZzSX
Ys

A. Are women or men more romantic?
– Research suggests men are more romantic.
– Women are more likely to expect “the trappings” of romantic love.
B.
Are women or men more intimate?
– Many women want to feel close emotionally before being sexual.
– Many men regard sex as emotional closeness.
– For women, intimacy may mean talking things over.
– Men may feel that doing things for their partner shows their love.

5. A Global View
• Evidence of romantic love has been found in 89% of 166 different cultures, which makes it a “near-universal” human phenomenon.
• In many countries, arranged marriages are the norm because respect for parents’ wishes and traditions are more important than romantic love.

6. The key to intimacy usually lies in the strength of the communication between partners
– Knowing your partner, his/her needs, wants, likes, etc.
– Feeling connected and well-balanced
7. So what are ways to be a good communicator?
– Make time for talk and each other
– Consciously listen
– Use ‘I feel’ statements
– Be aware of accusatory tones
– Do not use your partner for ‘venting’ excessively
– Develop an awareness of body language
– Give space when needed
– Show how you feel

• Words of Affirmation Hearing the words, “I love you,” are important— so are compliments Insults can leave this person shattered and are not easily forgotten.
• Quality Time Being there for this type of person is critical —with the TV off, fork and knife down, and all tasks on standby—makes your significant other feel loved. Distractions, postponed dates, or the failure to listen can be especially hurtful.
• Receiving Gifts the receiver of gifts thrives on the love, thoughtfulness, and effort behind the gift. The perfect gift or gesture shows that you are known, you are cared for, and you are prized above whatever was sacrificed to bring the gift to this person. A missed birthday, anniversary, or a hasty, thoughtless gift would be disastrous to this relationship.

• Acts of Service Anything to ease the burden of responsibilities weighing on an “Acts of Service” person will speak volumes. The words s/he most wants to hear:
“Let me do that for you.” Laziness, broken commitments, and making more work for them tells speakers of this language their feelings don’t matter.
• Physical Touch Hugs, pats on the back, holding hands, and thoughtful touches on the arm or face— can all be ways to show excitement, concern, care, and love.
Physical presence and accessibility are crucial, while neglect or abuse can be unforgivable and destructive.

– Barriers to love occur at both macro and micro levels of society.
1.Mass Society and Demographic Factors a. Technology can decrease opportunities for face-to-face interaction b. Variables such as age, income, and occupation also shape our love experiences
2. Double Standards can create a lack of mutual trust and lead to playing games.
3. “Me-first” individualism can lead to a preoccupation with self.
4. Personality and family characteristics sometimes get in the way of finding love.

a. Narcissists are people who have exaggerated feelings of power and self importance. b. Jealousy can occur when people believe a rival is competing for a lover’s affection. c. According to evolutionary psychologists,
– Men are worried about sexual infidelity.
– Women are worried about their partner’s emotional entanglements. d. Some obsessed jealous lovers become stalkers.
– They may make numerous phone calls, send gifts, or continuously check up on their partner’s whereabouts.
– Cyberstalking involves threatening behavior or unwanted advances using email, instant

• Other forms of controlling behavior include
– threatening to manipulate or withdraw love
– creating guilt feelings
– emotional and physical abuse

• Activity – Task Cards
• Healthy Relationship Qualities
• Unhealthy Relationship Qualities

Do
Don’t

• How should you do it?
• Do it in person, in private, tell the truth
• How should you never end a relationship?
• Text, email, message machine, get a friend to do it, use a line, under “the influence”

• The dos and don’ts of heartbreak
• Make a chart – write down what a person should NEVER do when someone breaks their heart
• Next – write down what a person SHOULD do when someone breaks their heart
• Class Discussion

• Dating on a Dime: Group Assignment
– Design a great date for less than $50 (gas not included)
– You have 15 minutes to do this
– Eng 421 will vote on the best date, keep it clean!