JaredOverall, this is a very good essay. What I like most about it is that you clearly state at the
beginning what you want to talk about in the essay, and then present several well-thought out
ideas in an easy-to-follow organization that ends with a logical and satisfying conclusion.
There are a few things to work on, however, if you were to do another draft:



Though your use of comma and semi-colons was much improved from the last draft,
there are still enough errors to distract somewhat from the reader’s attention. (See
markings on paper).
Though in general you use the text appropriately and adeptly:
o You don’t need to italicize quotes embedded in your own text. Some people
italicize long quotes (over 4 lines) when they are also indented, but never when
just in the text.
o I know it’s tempting to use quotes as much as possible, but only quote the text
when it’s really relevant to the point you are trying to make. For example,
near the bottom of page 2, you quote, “Quoyle looked at the boat…” and so
on, but how the rain sluices over the bottom of the boat isn’t really important
to your argument. The next quote is, because it shows how shaky both the
boat and Quoyle’s confidence are.
Your general argument wavers a bit between the paragraph about Quoyle’s first boat
and him sinking it. I’d make it two paragraphs, and tweak the sentence “Although
Quoyle believes…” a bit to make a smoother transition between the two paragraphs.
Something like, “Quoyle’s victory was short-lived, however…” Then, at the end of the
boat-sinking paragraph, I’d move the last sentence into the next paragraph, that talks
about him learning from his mistakes. The main idea here is that you should limit each
paragraph to one main idea.
-Mr. Olsen
KarissaOverall, you have a well-organized essay that responds well to the prompt and moves along in
an orderly fashion to a reasonable conclusion (or conclusions-see below). I like how you give
specific examples from the text to back up your points. A few things to work on, however:
 You may want to review the rules for using commas to set off dependant clauses. (I
them on your paper) For example, in two of the sentences in your introduction, you
begin with a prepositional phrase (“In the novel…”, and “In Newfoundland”)
 When using quotes:
o Make sure you have a smooth transition up to them so the reader understands
why you are using them. In the second paragraph, for example, I would just
delete the sentence before the quote, because “Quoyle was discouraged in
every aspect of life” is a great introduction to the quote.
o Make sure the quote actually supports what you are saying in your paper. In
the third paragraph, it’s not clear how the quote that begins “The silence…”
supports the sentence that preceeds it about people calling him stupid. So
here you either need to provide a transition sentence that explains the
connection, or choose a different quote that is more appropriate.
o Grammar point- when using a quote that is more than four lines, indent it and
put it in single spaced type. (see 3rd paragraph)
 Finally, for organization’s sake, I would consider combining your second-to-last and last
paragraph. Both summarize your main points, and the last paragraph is a little
repetitive of the points you make in the second-to-last. Maybe just stick in the notion
that America is the past and why and omit the rest.
- Mr. Olsen
MarkusIn general, this is a good essay, in that you clearly explain your intention in the introduction,
and structure your essay to accomplish these goals. You also stick pretty closely to the text
and use specific examples. You have also polished the grammar to the point where the few
errors that may be left are not distracting to the reader. A few things to work on, however:
 When using quotes:
o Make sure the quote actually supports what you are saying in your paper. In
the second paragraph, you quote the text about “there was snow…” but really
just that quote sounds sort of peaceful. You may want to choose another quote
that clearly supports your point of urban chaos. In the next paragraph, you
quote a passage that explains what Grady does, but not really what he thinks
about it, so it doesn’t strongly support your point. The quote you use later
about “what he loved in horses…” does a better job at this, for example.
 Though you’ve improved the repetitiveness from the first draft, the organization of the
essay could still use some clarification. Make sure each paragraph has its own idea,
and is not repeating things that you have already made clear earlier. You start off
well, with the first paragraph after the introduction focusing on urban and rural
imagery (though I’d like to see more clear support from the text on these points), and
then go on in the next paragraph to talk about “lifestyles,” but then the transition gets
more muddy for me. I understand Grady is an idealist, but it seems again the choice
between lifestyles. Maybe narrow the focus of the second paragraph between
occupations (jobs), and the third about ideology. Or, remove Grady from the second
paragraph altogether, and save how he works to exemplify your previous points for only
the third paragraph.
-Mr. Olsen
ZachI like in your essay how you tell me at the beginning fairly clearly what you are going to prove
in your essay, and then in each paragraph you talk about a distinct idea. Some things to work
on:
o Though your did strengthen your thesis and conclusion in the second draft, it still has
an issue with bordering on just being a summary of the plot of the story. By saying that
“moving to Newfoundland was a second chance at life for Q,” and basing your essay
about how life was good in Newfoundland and bad in Vermont, you’re not telling us
much more than what the author explicitly tells us. You touch on more subtle themes,
how the US might be hate and Canada love, or US isolation and Canada togetherness,
and so on, but all we know from the thesis and conclusion is Vermont= bad,
Newfoundland= good. I’d encourage you to look a little deeper to find a more nuanced
argument.
o That being said, be sure when you make an interpretation of the text that you support
it with specific examples from the text. For example, at the bottom of the second
page, you suggest that “The reason Q spends so much time with his daughters…” but
then do not support this assertion with the text.
o Again, the grammar has improved since the first draft, but there are still enough errors
to be a little distracting from your points. Watch out especially for missed word and
sentence fragments. Also watch out for shifting tenses from the past to the present.
-Mr. Olsen
JenniferI like in this essay how you have set yourself the ambitious tasks of interpreting a complex text,
exploring the craft of writing, and tackled a slippery concept like ambiguity. You have also
polished the grammar to the point where the few errors that may be left are not distracting to
the reader, and you skillfully incorporate quotes in your essay. A few things to work on,
however:
o Your essay, like the initial version, spends a little too much time on examples of
Cunningham creating ambiguity or certainty, and not as much on why you think he
might have done so. The reason this is an issue is that as is, your essay is pretty heavy
on plot summary and a little light on analysis. Though you are great about backing up
your points with textual quotations, you have to do more than, in the case of the first
paragraph, prove that the story ends in a particular, concrete way. Don’t most stories?
In the paragraph about ambiguity, you start suggesting some motives the author might
have for the ambiguous endings, but then conclude in the last paragraph that the
author has used certainly and ambiguity to “create a perfect conclusion to the novel.”
What I want to know is why is this a perfect conclusion? Why didn’t Cunningham tie up
some loose ends and not others? Why shouldn’t I be dissatisfied?
-Mr. Olsen
AshleyLike the first draft of the essay, I like how you are attempting to grapple with the difficult
subject of how an author manipulates his audience through his craft. My favorite part is
towards the end of the essay when you start speculating on why he ended the book on a
suicide. However:
o Just as in the first draft, your ideas are a little buried in repetition. Thought the essay,
I tried to show you how you can simply delete phrases, and even whole sentences that
are extra.
o Also, in an essay like this, you really have to watch out that you are not just
summarizing the plot. The task here is to explain to us why the author might tie the
stories together in the way he did, not so much exactly how he did so- this we can
discover from reading the book ourselves.
o Another way to avoid plot summary is to make sure you structure your paper around
your argument, and not so much the chronology of the book. Think of a few things you
liked about the conclusion, for example, and then make each one of your support
paragraphs about each one of your ideas.
-Mr. Olsen
KaziaYou start this essay off fairly well, responding to the prompt fairly well by telling us why
violence might be used in the essay. Your MLA format is good, you support your points with
frequent references to the text, and it’s obvious you have a thorough understanding of the
story.
o However, much like in the first version, you have a tendency to get a little lost in plot
summary as opposed to structuring your paper around your argument. This is why I
think your message gets a little lost even in the introduction- I am left what exactly
violence has to do with love conquering evil or the enduring nature of friendship. What
you may want to do to write a more coherent essay is think of a few specific ways
violence works in the novel, and then make each one of your support paragraphs about
each one of your ideas.
o You may want to review when you uses commas in a sentence, since there were enough
comma errors to distract me from the reading.
-Mr. Olsen
ZackYou do a GREAT close reading of the text and its underlying themes. Coming from the first
essay, you do an excellent job of answering Mr. B’s question of “What is this novel about?”
Your essay is pretty well organized, dealing with each new idea in each paragraph, and
wrapping up in a conclusion that does more than repeat your introduction. In general, your
grammar and MLA format are good enough that I’m not distracted by errors. Some things to
work on:
o I would perhaps combine the and condense the first three paragraphs to set up your
essay, the reason being is that they together set the stage for the main purpose of
your essay, the supporting paragraphs of which explain how violence works in the
novel. Also, you first paragraph is a little thin.
o Be careful of overly “slangy” phrases like “dark vibe.” In an academic essay, such
phrase undermine the credibility of what is really a sophisticated argument.
o I would also ruminate on your conclusion a little more, and develop the complex
thoughts you bring out mid-essay more.
-Mr. Olsen
DennisYour essay is generally well-organized, and you do support your points with specific examples
from the text. With the exception of comma usage, your grammar and MLA usage is good
enough that it does not distract the reader. A few things to work on:
o If something is said directly in a quote you use, you do not need to repeat it, and doing
so is repetitious.
o Review the use of commas: you often have placed commas where they are not needed,
and omitted them where they are.
-Mr. Olsen
CourtneyYour essay is generally well-organized, and you do support your points with specific examples
from the text. Your MLA usage is good, and your ideas are ingriguing enough to hold the
reader’s interest. A few things to work on:
o In the conclusion, you make the point that though both women had very different lives,
they both had similar struggles, a point that is supported in your essay. This, to me is a
more interesting point than just that both women had various struggles, and I’d
recommend you put that in your introduction, so it’s clear to the reader from the start
that’s what you want to say.
o I’d strongly encourage you to review the grammar rules about run-on sentences and
comma usage. There were so many run-on sentences that I got distracted from the
good ideas in your essay.
o Watch out that you do don’t switch tenses in the middle of a paragraph. Several times,
you shift into the “you” constructions: “The South is a place where you can’t be your
own person…” which is confusing to the reader- are we talking about my personal
experience or Celie’s? Present-day South or the South of the 20’s and 30’s?
o Make sure the quotes you use actually support what you are saying in your paper. At
the end of the paper, you have a quote about how Celie and Nettie felt as if they were
children again, but this has little to do about the similarity of their suffering…
IanThough for the most part, your grammar and MLA format are good enough as not to be
distracting, your essay seems hurriedly done, and missing some key elements, such as a thesis.
Is it “this book is not for people who cannot handle…”? The problem there is that this is not a
debatable point. Same with the presence of racism and incest in the book. What we’re
looking for is how Ellison uses these themes in the book, why he put the things he did in the
book, and what these themes tell us about society and ourselves. Currently, you display that
the themes of racism and incest are present in the book, and that some people might find this
offensive. Really, the first question to answer is, “so what?”
-Mr. Olsen
IngridIt is obvious from your essay that you are very familiar with the text, and your grammar and
MLA conventions are good enough that the errors there are do not detract from my
understanding of the text. Your style is clear and engaging, and your sentences flow well.
Also, you have come a good way from essentially summarizing the plot to truly engaging the
text. However:
o You still need to boil down your plot summary to the bare minimum description of two
distinct scenes in the book, and pare down the second page of your essay to perhaps a
paragraph. It is not until the last page that you really begin answering the prompt by
discussing how the character evolves and how the author displays this evolution.
o The organization of your essay could then shift to one that is centered on the primary
points you are trying to make, each one of the points inhabiting a paragraph, rather
than your essay starting, pausing for an extended plot summary, and then resuming.
--Mr. Olsen
KatieOverall, this is a good essay- your organization is solid, in that you clearly state your thesis,
explain your points in supporting paragraphs, and sum up your argument in a sensible
conclusion. With the exception of comma usage, you grammar and MLA format are good
enough as not to be distracting, and your sentences flow relatively fluidly. A few things for
next time:
o Watch out for meaningless, “filler” sentences, especially at the beginning of essays or
paragraphs. Sometimes they help to get the “juices” flowing when you are stuck, but
when you revise, think to yourself, “does my audience really need to be told that the
ending of a novel is one of the most important parts of a book?”
o I’m not completely clear on how the author “instilling his ideas into the book” makes
for a better conclusion. Could you explain that a little more clearly? The other points
are clearer, but still could use some more explination.
-Mr. Olsen
Kristen
You start this essay off fairly well, responding to the prompt fairly well by identifying Shug as
the ambiguous character and why you think so in the essay. Your MLA format is good, you
support your points with frequent references to the text, and it’s obvious you have a thorough
understanding of the story.
o However, much like in the first version, you have a tendency to get a little lost in plot
summary as opposed to structuring your paper around your argument. This is why I
think your message gets a little lost even in the introduction- We hear more about
Celie than Shug, for example. What you may want to do to write a more coherent
essay is think of a few specific ways Shug is an ambiguous character in the novel: so for
example:
o that she is initially rude, then nice to Celie
o that she seems sexually attracted to both Celie, and her nemesis, Mister___.
o that she is initially weak, and then she is strong
o that she is so full of life, yet is self-destructive
And then structure your essay around that, rather than the plot of the story, making
each one of your support paragraphs about each one of your ideas.
o You may want to review when you use commas in a sentence and about sentence
fragments, since there were enough comma errors to distract me from the reading.
-Mr. Olsen
NicoleYou start this essay off well, responding to the prompt by identifying the contrasting places and
the characters associated with them. Your MLA format is good, you support your points with
frequent references to the text, and it’s obvious you have a thorough understanding of the
story. Your organization is also good, with your paragraphs defining your arguments well, and
proceeding to a reasonable conclusion. Some things to work on:
o Though you have made progress since the first version, you need to read over your
essay and remove or reword the more repetitive sentences such as “broken him
mentally” so that your good ideas are not beaten to death with repetition.
o Watch out that you do don’t switch tenses in the middle of a paragraph- most of your
essay is in the present tense, which is unusual but fine, but be sure all of it is.
-Mr. Olsen
JennyFor the most part, this is a strong essay. You do succeed in answering the prompt about the
two sides of the ambiguous character and how this affects the novel. Your MLA format is good,
you support your points with frequent references to the text, and it’s obvious you have a
thorough understanding of the story. Your organization is also good, with your paragraphs
defining your arguments well, and proceeding to a reasonable conclusion. Some things to work
on:
o Though you have made progress since the first version, still might profit from
considering in your conclusion what the reader of your first draft did- that RP might not
be a tiger at all- what would he be then and what would this mean?
o Sort of a minor point, but also you may want to review when you use a comma, a
colon, and a period before a quote. (Sometimes you can end the sentence before with
a period, especially when you start your quote from the beginning of the quoted
sentence)
o Also beware of overly wordy, run-on sentences. Longer sentences are good to break up
a repetitive sentence structure, but if a sentence is so long that you would have a hard
time saying it out loud in one breath, consider some editing or a period!
-Mr. Olsen
ZaneYour organization is improved from the first draft, specifically your points are made more clear
by using one paragraph to talk about the South Seas, and another about the WWI British
soldiers. A few things to polish this essay up.
 Watch for the occasional run-on (marked), and review the rules on comma use.
 As far as your argument, you may want to consider a little more deeply the reasons a
single person might go to war. Are wars between tribes really “war” in the same sense
that wars between modern, mechanized nation-states are wars? Is an overnight
conflict between a couple dozen hand-picked warriors the same as tens of thousands of
draftees embroiled in a years-long conflict? You touch on these ideas, but if you were
to do another draft, I’d consider these questions more closely…
-Mr. Olsen
StephanieFor the most part, this is a strong essay. You do succeed in answering the prompt about the
two sides of the ambiguous character. Your MLA format is good, you support your points with
frequent references to the text, and it’s obvious you have a thorough understanding of the
story. Some things to work on:
 You have a fair amount of detail in the essay that is not particularly relevant to your
point (see notes in essay). Your paper would be more focused if you omitted this extra
information, and added more detail on how Carvaggio’s ambiguity works in the novel.
 Your paper would be stronger if you expanded your conclusion beyond just restating
that Carvaggio has two sides to his personality and talk about more why the author
might have done this, and how or why he resolves the ambiguity at the end.
- Mr. Olsen
ChrisFor the most part, this is a strong essay. You do succeed in answering the prompt about
ambiguous nature of the plot. Your organization is definitely improved from the first version
Your MLA format is good, you support your points with frequent references to the text, and it’s
obvious you have a thorough understanding of the story. Some things to work on:
 The introduction doesn’t need to give your whole essay away. I think your paper would
be stronger if you just posed the dilemma of faith vs. science (if that’s what you want
to say is the dilemma), and leave it to the rest of the essay to draw the conclusions.
 Your paper would be stronger if you expanded your conclusion beyond just restating
the main points of your essay, and came to a conclusion of it’s own. You make some
strong points in your essay- why not deal with these in the conclusion: is religion really
just a comfortable set of half-truths? Does truth have any reality besides our
perception of it? Deep stuff!
-Mr. Olsen
CharlesThis is definitely a better effort than your first attempt, and I do like the introduction
paragraph, where you set us up to hear why you think the author told his story in a nontraditional time frame- because we know the characters better.
 However, you never really tell us why it was better that Jack’s story was told in a
series of flashbacks than as a traditional narrative. Sure, the flashbacks are needed to
tell the story, but what do they do than just starting the story at the beginning
wouldn’t? You do hint, in the middle of the essay, that this is done as therapy to the
living, but then you go back into basically restating that the timeframe is untraditional.
So as it is, you end up establishing that the book has an unusual order (which is
obvious), and then describe several examples of this (which is plot summary).
 I would advise making an outline of your argument before you write the essay. For
example, think of several reasons the story is better told in a disjointed time frame
than in a traditional one, then devote one paragraph to each of these ideas. This
would help your organization, and it would help you make a clearer, more
understandable argument.
 Finally, it is good that you used more examples from the text, but make sure it is clear
to the reader exactly why you chose that passage, and how it proves your point.
Mr. Olsen
GenevieveThis essay is an improvement over the last, in that you do respond to the prompt more directly.
Your grammar and MLA format are good enough as not to be distracting, and your sentences
flow fluidly. But there still are some issues:
 Your thesis is stronger than the first attempt, but I would consider for your next essay
to choose an argument that doesn’t coincide so closely with the main theme of the
book- this will get you away from essentially writing a book review.
 Also, structuring your essay chorologically along the timeline on the plot of the book
runs the strong risk of becoming more or less plot summary.
-Mr. Olsen
NatalieFor the most part, this is a strong essay, and I think you’ve improved it from the first attempt.
And though I was at first leery, that you were comparing two characters, you did a good job to
assure me that what they represented was really two places Your MLA format is good, you
support your points with frequent references to the text, and it’s obvious you have a thorough
understanding of the story.
 Your revision does do a good job of better explaining your points with textual
examples, but I would caution you in an essay that follows the timeline of the book
that you be careful of just summarizing the plot. That being said, in this essay your
structure is strong enough that I can easily understand what each paragraph is for and
in this case you do make a point that shows some real interpretation.
-Mr. Olsen
CoreyThis is a much clearer essay: I think you’ve improved it considerably from the first attempt.
Your organization is much clearer, and you do a good close reading of the pivotal moment of
the book, and best of all, you really answer the prompt. Your MLA format is good, you support
your points with frequent references to the text, and it’s obvious you have a thorough
understanding of the story. A few things to polish this even further:
 The introduction is a little long, and it gets a little too detailed with plot summary. I
would cut out all the material that is either not important for your argument, or details
that you explain later. Really, you just need to set the general scene, and explain that
this whole book pivots on one violent theme.
 Following the advice of the above suggestion would go a long way towards addressing
this one, which is watch out for repetition. Read your essay over a few times, and
remove all of the details you’ve told us already.
 You may also want to review the rules on commas and apostrophes, since I noticed
enough grammatical errors to distract me a little from the reading.
GregI do like the introduction paragraph, and how it promises that we will see how a pivotal
moments of violence- namely the death of beloved general, can have an enormous impact on
the outcome of a book, or in this case, history. Your frequent use of the text, and with the
exception of comma errors, your lack of grammatical and MLA errors is nice, too.
 However, after a first promising paragraph about John Reynolds, the essay shifts over
to more a discussion of how general’s decisions greatly affect their men, a point that is
somewhat obvious, and leads you into primarily a summary of the plot.
 I would advise making an outline of your argument before you write the essay. You
have a thesis already: that the death of one man can have a huge impact on an entire
battle, and even a war. Maybe focus your entire essay on the death of Reynolds, and
come up with several, text-supported arguments about how his death was so
significant. Or focus in on several general’s death, and how they had similar effects.
Either way, then devote one paragraph to each of these ideas. This would help your
organization, and it would help you make a clearer, more understandable argument.
DustinI do like that you identify who and what you are going to talk about in your essay, and you do
organize your essay around the points you try to make. However:
 You need to support your arguments with specific examples from the text. You have to
quote the text regularly so that we know exactly what you are trying to say, and so we
have more proof than just your word on it.
 The prompt asked for not only you to identify the ambiguous character, but you to
explain how exactly the character was ambiguous, and what purpose this ambiguity has
in the text. You never really explain specifically how he was ambiguous except for a
vague reference to his sexual preference, and you never say what purpose this has in
the book, except for that it might make the reader not like him? Why wouldn’t we like
him? Why is he driven mad?
 What you could do to improve your essay is think of each paragraph as a mini-essay in
which you state one way Billy is ambiguous (so for one could be his sexual feelings),
give one or more direct examples of this in the text, and then explain why this is
important in the book (maybe you think the author is challenging traditional definitions
of masculinity). You have all the ideas there, you just need to develop and support
them.
-Mr. Olsen
JeffThis essay is improved from the first version, in that you have added some sentences to clarify
what each paragraph is about. You also do a good job supporting your points with frequent
quotes from the text, and your organization is such that your essay flows from argument to
argument relatively smoothly. However:



It would help the reader to expand the introduction beyond basically a statement that
the conclusion of the book was appropriate or inappropriate- the prompt was, after all,
how it was appropriate or not- or how it was conclusive or not.
Also avoid “book review” comments- your personal opinion about the quality of the
book’s success or failure in various aspects. You want to explore how things work in
the book, not how well. I highlighted some examples through the essay.
I get a bit lost in the middle of your essay when you get on the subject of how
accurately the author might have depicted the historical figures in the book- I never
really find out what this has to do with the book’s conclusion, per se. I think it is a bit
of a stretch to call this an intentionally “unanswered question” of the conclusion, and
again, getting more in the realm of the book review- how well the author does
something.
-Mr. Olsen
JinnaYou’ve made some good strides from the last paper- mainly you’ve reorganized so that the
reader can follow how one violent act spurs another and another to make a chain. You make
good use of the text to prove your points, and your grammar and MLA format are good enough
that I only noticed a few minor mistakes. A few things to work on:
 The introduction leads me to believe you are going to trace the metaphor of scars
throughout the book, and the first paragraph strongly supports this notion. By the next
paragraph, though, I see that the essay is really about a chain of three violent actsThough I like the idea of closely examining the scar metaphor, you should either show
more clearly how all the characters lived with scars (physical or mental), or change
your introduction to tell the reader you are going to explain a chain of three distinct
violent acts.
 Also watch out for distracting elements- for example the image of the chokecherry
tree- it’s confusing to the reader when you mention a metaphor working in the story
and then just move on. I would just end the quote at “…open my back.” Then not
describe the scar as a “chokecherry tree scar.” Is the metaphor important in the book?
Yes. In your essay? No.
KristenYou have a pretty strong essay here, for the most part. You make an interesting point, and I
agree the quote you chose fits the novel well. You make good use of the text to prove your
points, and your grammar and MLA format are good enough that I only noticed a few minor
mistakes. A few things to work on:
 I think you give too much away about your essay in the introduction, which ends up
being a synopsis of the rest of the paper. This makes the rest of the essay rather
repetitive and it tends to lose the reader’s interest. I would lop out the section I
indicated and expand more on your supporting paragraphs. Also in the introduction,
explain more who this Weldon person is, and if they are just commenting on stories in
general or The Hours in particular. It’s not clear as it is.
 In your conclusion, I would remind the reader of the Weldon prompt earlier, and
explain, with the evidence you presented, how exactly this is Weldon’s idea of a
“happy ending,” instead of just telling us it is.
-Mr. Olsen
FelishaYou have all the ideas you need in this paper, and it’s obvious from reading it you thoroughly
understand the text and the point you are trying to make. You also refer back to the text
regularly and specifically, which is great. However:
 The organization of your paper gets confusing towards the middle. As I read it, your
introduction responds to the prompt by saying the graphic scenes of violence are
necessary in the book for us to gain a true understanding of the characters, then the
first paragraph gives a few examples of this violence. The second paragraph explains
how it is necessary, (which is the point of the paper) but then the next one starts
summarizing the plot and discuss Celie’s evolution through the course of the book. You
come back to your thesis in the conclusion, but the reader is confused by that point. I
would consider re-structuring your essay to make each paragraph discuss a specific
violent scene in Celie’s life, and how this scene (and how it was described) affect the
course of the book. Or, you could devote each essay on how a violent act displays a
certain aspect of her character- one as helpless victim, another that teaches her to
resist, and another that signifies her independence. The point is to have your support
paragraphs closely support your thesis with specific examples from your text.
JennyYou have all the ideas you need in this paper, and it’s obvious from reading it you thoroughly
understand the text and the point you are trying to make. You also refer back to the text
regularly and specifically, which is a great improvement. However:
 The prompt is asking for a few distinct events that display a character’s evolution
through the story. By not being specific about the letters you were talking about,
basing your points on trends rather than specific events, and organizing your essay
along the chronology of the plot, you basically end up writing a well-supported book
report. How you get back to an analytical essay is to devote each one of your
paragraphs to a specific, pivotal event in the book that displays a change in Celie’s
character.
 You also need to review the use of commas, and the grammar rules about run-on
sentences. There were enough errors I was distracted from the reading.
 Also, keep the tense you write in consistent through your essay. Over the third support
paragraph especially, you drift from present to past tense several times.
AshelyLike the first version of this essay, the second leaves the reader a little confused. The prompt
asks for you to discuss how the ending of the novel concludes the book, rather than just ends
it, but you say in your introduction that you are going to talk about religious turmoil. The next
paragraph summarizes the main body of the book- which seems to have little to do with your
argument, and then the next paragraph gets into the family’s religious differences. You
conclude that the fact these religious differences are left unresolved by the author bring up
some thought-provoking questions, and then have a second concluding paragraph that says
about the same thing.



Obviously, you could improve both the thesis and the organization here. First of all,
you need to find a prompt that you want to respond to, and come up with a compelling
argument that fits the prompt.
Then, you need to structure your essay around this argument (rather than by
summarizing the plot) by devoting each supporting paragraph to a reason why you
believe your thesis, and support these reasons with the text.
Also, watch out for the “book review” pitfall, where you get caught evaluating how
well the author did this or that. For an analytical essay, we only need to think about
how she did this or that. I highlighted some value statements in your essay to show
what I mean.
ErinYou have the makings of a good essay here, but many of your classmates who responded to the
same prompt did, you get pretty bogged down in plot summary. This is mainly because The
Color Purple is all about the evolution of a character, but what the prompt is asking is for
SPECIFIC parts of the text that show the character’s growth. But you do have a good grasp of
the text and your organization is logical (though as I said, overly close to the plot of the novel.)
 The part of your essay I like the most is when you pick up on who Celie addresses her
letters to- how about structuring your essay on that? Besides God and the birds, trees,
etc., isn’t there some she addresses to Nettie? Maybe you could do an essay that
compares those three kinds of letters.
 Also, please review the rules on commas, and run-on sentences. There were a ton of
run-ons, which distracted me from the reading.
HillaryThis is a really strong essay. You have a coherent thesis that answers the prompt directly, you
structure your essay in a logical fashion that makes your point clear throughout, and you avoid
having the essay be mere plot summary by choosing specific, meaningful examples from the
text.
 Perhaps the text you quoted was italicized, but normally you don’t italicize quotes.
Unless the quoted text was italicized. Then never mind.
 I don’t think “upsetment” is a word, but after seeing it used, I think it should be. 
-Mr. Olsen
KramerYou have improved your paper from the last draft, and I feel your central argument is
compelling and the structure of your paper is more or less logical. Your sentences flow fairly
smoothly, and your grammar and MLA is good enough that I was not often distracted. A few
things, though:
 You have an unusual tendency to pick single words and phrase as your quotes, and
many of these are sort of random and arbitrary. The problem with this is that such
short quotes taken out of context could mean anything, and thus fail to help prove your
point. Choose fewer, longer quotes that say something in a way that you find
interesting, or particularly illuminating to your point.
 I’d also clarify, through the use of topic sentences, what each of your paragraphs are
about. It would keep the reader much more engaged in your argument and get them
excited to read on. It would also help you clarify exactly what you want to say in that
paragraph, and help you edit out the extra stuff later on.
Melissa
You have a pretty strong essay here, for the most part. I like your engagement with the
metaphors of the texts, and love the subtle way you slip in the water metaphors yourself. You
make good use of the text to prove your points, and your grammar and MLA format are good
enough that I only noticed a few minor mistakes. A few things to work on:
 Your introduction and first paragraph lead the reader that you are going to discuss the
importance of water throughout the book, which you do for the most part. However,
the paragraph about the newspaper and the paragraph about the car wrecks stray from
this theme. You do an admirable job using your own water metaphors in the
newspaper article, but remember that what you need to show is how the author uses
the symbolism, otherwise you’re just summarizing the plot. The car crashes did have
significant significance to Q, but I wonder if that’s really metaphor, per se. The main
point I’m trying to make is that I think you’d have a tighter essay if you just stuck to
how water worked in the novel- you obviously have the skill to pull this off, and I think
there’s no shortage of water metaphors in the book.
Mr. Olsen
LisaI think you have a good paper here, in fact, as I count 3 well-done short papers. I’m with the
last reader- I think somebody with your writing skill and grasp of this text would do better to
choose one of the themes you address- the chain of voice-in-the-head craziness, the flowers, or
dissatisfaction, and run with that for the entire essay but in greater detail. For example, the
discussion of the voices was intriguing, but rushed, and some key assertions you make are not
supported with the text. I thought the theme of the flowers was the most closely supported,
so perhaps the least work would be to go with that one. The main point is the paper seems
sort of disjointed as it is, with three separate, unrelated ideas jostling for space in the essay.
But having said all that, I should say also you make good use of the text to prove your points,
your sentences flow well, and your grammar and MLA format are good enough that I only
noticed a few minor mistakes.
-Mr. Olsen
CourtneyYou are a little clearer in this draft about being more specific about your examples of how
Miles changes through the story. You also obviously have a good grasp of the work, However:
 The essay still pretty much just recaps the plot. You promise in your introduction that
you are going to talk about how Russo indicates the change in Miles by “saying little
things about his temper” by which I thought you meant Russo’s subtle wording, or a
maybe an essay about how Miles learns to control his temper, but then you just list off
the major events of the plot. To make this a successful essay, you need to get more
SPECIFIC- focus on a few particularly important scenes, and examine those in more
detail. Also, structure your essay according to the points of your argument, not the
timeline of the plot.
 There also were enough grammar mistakes that I got pretty distracted from your
argument. You should review the use of commas, and what makes a run-on sentence.
You also seem to struggle with homonyms, or words that sound the same, but are
spelled differently (there-their, aloud-allowed, etc.) Also, you may want to brush up
on possessives, and when to put an apostrophe where (Miles, Miles’)
Jennifer:
Your essay has evolved through the drafts, and I think for the most part, it now has some
important elements in place: you have a coherent thesis, you have structured your essay along
the points of your argument (instead of summarizing the plot), the besides a tendency to write
run-on sentences, your grammar and MLA format are good enough not to distract me from the
reading. A few issues, however:
 Your essay still could be better organized, and stick closer to its thesis of showing not
only how Cal evolves through the novel, but how all of the turning points in his/her life
involved different incidents of love encountering obstacles - the incestual love of his
forbearers, the doomed love of his for “The Object”, and his late-occuring love for
self. The last supporting paragraph, for me, is beside the main point of your essay, as
well as the explination of Cal’s being a hermaphrodite in the middle of the essay. Both
of these bits of information I think could be largely pared down and included in the
introduction and conclusion.
 Please review the rules on run-on sentences, commas, and semi-colons. You regularly
make punctuation errors throughout this essay.
AndreaI would go along with the reader of your first paper, in that in the introduction you tell us how
you are going to describe Shug as an ambiguous character and the importance of this to the
novel, but then write to another prompt, specifically the one that asks your to explain how a
character evolves, and how this is important in the novel. The good news is that this problem
is relatively easy to fix- just recraft your introduction to respond to the latter prompt and tell
us you are going to do what you end up doing- talk about specific moments when Shug shows
growth and change.
 Also, after recrafting your introduction, I would develop your conclusion to go beyond
just restating the arguments you made in the essay, but tell us, now that we have read
your essay, what we should have learned from it, and how this knowledge should make
us think differently.
 Your essay would also be made more clear by adding some topic sentences in each of
your supporting paragraphs to help the reader see that you are quoting the text for a
specific reason. In the second supporting paragraph, for example, it’s unclear why you
are examining the Harpo’s scene in detail- and this can be mistaken for plot summary.
David:
This essay is missing some important elements, especially in the introduction. As it is, there is
no real argument stated, and it’s not until a few paragraphs in that the reader guesses that
your are talking about how Converse changes over the course of the novel. It also lacks a real
conclusion; you just sort of sum up your points, and tell us that he ends up regretting the
transformation, and abruptly end the essay. What we’re left with, then, is essentially a book
report, since your essay just follows the plot, and doesn’t have a clear point.
 What you could do to improve it would be to clearly articulate in your introduction just
what you want to do in the essay- maybe make the point that Converse is corrupted by
the horrors of war to become a person he doesn’t want to be. (This is just a
suggestion- the point is, well, have a point)
 Your essay would also be made more clear by adding some topic sentences in each of
your supporting paragraphs to help the reader see that you are quoting the text for a
specific reason. Of course, when you do this (you do in some paragraphs), you need to
support that main point so the reader understands why you made it. In the last
supporting sentence, for example, you say that Converse is so intrigued by a different
lifestyle than his that he starts making uncharacteristic choices, but you never give a
specific example, or explain why this was so tempting for him.
 Review the grammar rules regarding apostrophes, and also commas. There were
enough errors to distract me a little from the reading.
EmilyThis is an improvement from the first draft, but it still ends up failing to make an argument
that’s distinct from the plot of the book. Your essay is closest to the prompt about a character
evolving over the course of the book, but to do that, you need to focus on specific examples
from the story that prove your point. Instead, you point out over an over again the central
conflict of the story, and then summarize the plot.
 To improve your essay, first refine your argument- that Edith is the character who
evolves from a naïve girl to an independent woman, and that this transformation has
significant effects in the books as a whole.
 Then decide what those effects are (and these arguments are present in your paper)for example, that happiness exists outside of wedlock, that she has worth as something
else than an object owned by a man, and so on. Then craft a paragraph around each
one of these thoughts, instead of the timeline of the plot. Just following the plot gives
the impression you are just repeating the story in condensed form.
 Then come up with a conclusion that not only sums up these arguments, but tells us
what we can learn from them, why we should care.
You obviously have a good grasp of the text and the ideas in it, you just need now to articulate
your own argument about what it means.
LindsayYour writing is strong, and you engage the book’s text speicifically and thoroughly throughout
your essay. Besides some issues with comma usage, your grammar and MLA format are good
enough not to distract me from the reading. However:
 I think you would have a stronger essay if you narrowed your argument down to either
the power of Pi’s many faiths or how his vegetarianism works in the novel or his battle
of wills with the tiger. It gets confusing to me when your have several interesting
paragraphs about the former, and then shift all of a sudden to the latter. I’m not
saying you couldn’t for example, explain how his faith(s) acted on his reluctance to
hurt animals, but if you picked one theme that symbolized his transformation
throughout the novel and how this affected the rest of the book, you would have a
more coherent essay.
 Also, something that’s conspicuously absent is the suggestion that these animals all just
symbolized people- how would this affect his vegetarianism? His faith?
KatherineYou’ve improved your main argument a bit, but you still struggle with the main issue, of what
(or where) exactly you are comparing Cold Mountain to. You also hinder yourself by organizing
your essay along the plotline of the book, as opposed to devoting each paragraphs to one of
your arguments.
 For example, at various points in your essay, you point out that Cold Mountain equals
the love of Ada, a purer form of nature, and a refuge for his war-ravaged soul. You
could vastly improve the organization and punch of your essay if you based one
paragraph on each of the above themes and say how starkly different they are on the
battlefields of the Civil War. The place you compare Cold Mountain to doesn’t
particularly need to be an ultra-specific geographical place, but a distinct place in the
mind of Inman.
 On a grammatical note, please review the rules about run-on sentences, and comma
usage- there are a few repeated errors that are distracting.
PatrickYou’ve made some changes that make your essay a little more readable, But unfortunately, you
did not address the main problem facing it. The conclusion prompt asks you to talk about how
the conclusion wraps the themes the author brings up in the book, but your essay is about how
well you think the book ends. This would be a good approach for a book review, but not an
academic essay.
 I would start over with this essay by first thinking: what is my argument? If it is about
the conclusion, you want to think about how it concluded themes in the book like
John’s moral crisis, the issue of drug use with American soldiers, and so on, not vague
concepts like “creativity.”
 Then craft a paragraph around each one of these thoughts, instead of the timeline of
the plot. Support each argument with at least one SPECIFIC example from the text.
Just following the plot gives the impression you are just repeating the story in
condensed form.
 Then come up with a conclusion that not only sums up these arguments, but tells us
what we can learn from them, why we should care.
GillianYou have made some progress from the first draft, in that the reader now sees a clear
difference for the characters between Scotland and not-Scotland, and how this contrast
represents a theme of liberation and individuality in the book. You do write in a lively fashion,
and your grammar and MLA format are good enough that I’m not distracted by the errors.
 What I am distracted by, however, is your frequent vague claims that are unsupported
by the text, or at times, the truth. In an essay like this, you need to provide SPECIFIC
textual examples for your points. Also, avoid vague language and statements that
don’t really say anything. Your second support paragraph serves as a good example of
what you should shoot for.
 Though you are good for the most part about avoiding using “you,” you also should
avoid using bland “one” and “they” statements- plug in real characters and people
when you can.
ScottOn the whole, this is a good essay, that starts especially clearly. I do find towards the middle,
however, that your argument gets pretty repetitive, and you do more plot summary than you
need to prove your point. Still, you write fluidly, reference the text often and well, and your
grammar and MLA format are good enough that I’m not distracted by the errors.
 I think you’d improve your essay if you don’t organize it according to the timeline of
the plot, but according to the specific examples you make: Tillman’s hassles with his
mother’s burial, the manic character Jevanee, and the violent scene at the end. Don’t
worry so much about tying these paragraphs together with the plot, but instead expand
on the reasons you feel that scene/ character flaunts the stereotype of the mellow
island lifestyle
 Also, you would make your essay less repetitive if you backed up from your essay a
little and came up with some more detailed “sub-arguments” within your general point
about how the author flaunts the stereotype of the “easy” island attitude- how are the
examples you give different from each other? What specific point do they make?
SaraThis is still a strong essay, and this draft has knocked off most of the rough edges. I like how
you are systematic and specific about how your examine the characters; it really helps the
reader follow your argument. You write fluidly, reference the text often and well, and your
grammar and MLA format are good enough that I’m not distracted by the errors. A few minor
things:
 Just as you removed the sentences starting with “this” because they tend to be vague
and less meaningful, be on the lookout for vague and meaningless phrases such as “Like
other women in society today and in the past,” or “one of those women who…” These
phrases just distract from your specific argument about the text.
AllisonYou’ve done a good job following the last reader’s advice to support your arguments more with
specific examples from the text. This makes your essay, which had decent organization and a
good thesis to begin with, much stronger and more believable. Also, you’ve corrected your
grammar and MLA format are good enough that I’m not distracted by the errors. A few things,
however:
 I think your essay would be stronger yet if you condensed the plot summary part about
the animals in the boat more, to more quickly get into the analysis of what the animals
represented, which is really the heart of your essay.
SeanYou fix in this draft what was the primary problem with the previous one: you scale back the
thesis to a more manageable scope, and you expand and better defend the arguments you do
make. Also, you’ve corrected your grammar and MLA format are good enough that I’m not
distracted by the errors. A few things, however:
 For me, your essay would be more clear if you worded the some of the conclusive
sentences of your support paragraphs more strongly. For instance, in the last support
paragraph, you end by stating “his awareness of the world is heightened.” The passive
voice you use removes the subject of the sentence (heightened by exactly what, or
whom?), and the statement is too vague in any event to really mean much.
 Also, in the conclusion, we want your take-home message. What was the “awareness
of death” again? That it exists? The “observations of society?” It seems like that could
be that be anything. Again, be specific to keep your audience’s interest.
StephanieThis essay has made some progress since the last draft, but unfortunately I still can’t tell
exactly what prompt you are responding to. Is it the “struggle towards self-awareness”? The
“banned book” one? But that question aside, you do say that this is a coming-of-age story, and
it’s good that you structure your essay around the main argument about why you think so.
 If you were to make this essay more coherent to the reader, however, you may want to
lay out what a “coming of age” story is in the introduction, so that the reader can
evaluate if this is indeed such a story. You could then also tie in the “struggle to selfawareness” prompt by saying that you will lay out specific incidents in the book where
she becomes more self-aware, and at the same time “comes of age.” I would cut out
all the stuff about people’s issues about trans-gender/ homosexuality to make room,
and because that is not the point of your essay.
 You then need to use each supporting paragraph to tell us about a SPECIFIC incident
that showed Cal has matured/ become more self-aware. The first paragraph, where
you talk about the moment in the doctor’s office, is a good example. The paragraphs
about the family bond and sexuality are too vague for you really do deal with closely.
 Another thing that would make your writing more coherent would be to limit each
paragraph to one major idea. In the paragraph about family bonds, you switch in the
middle and start talking about the “Object,” which is a different topic that you discuss
further down the page. Not only does this confuse the reader, but it tends to make you
repeat yourself.
 In general, avoid vague claims that are unsupported by the text. In an essay like this,
you need to provide SPECIFIC textual examples for your points. Also, avoid statements
like “many people believe strongly against homosexuality” because everybody knows
that already.

Finally, avoid evaluative, “book review” comments like “affects readers in a positive
way.” The purpose of this essay is to examine how writers accomplish certain effects,
not how well they do so.
MeghanYou have done a good job incorporating the advice of the last reader, and made your essay
more coherent by adding topic sentences and focusing your essay more specifically on your
thesis. Also, you’ve corrected your grammar and MLA format are good enough that I’m not
distracted by the errors (though I marked a few). A couple things:
 I like how your are drawing comparisons between the characters by showing how they
go through similar processes, and how these repeating processes form a theme in the
book. However, when you make this strong claim that lesbianism= instability= suicide,
you are going to need to more strongly support it from the text, or the reader will not
believe you.
 Also, to make your points more clear, you may want to arrange them in the same way
so that the reader can predict where you are going. In the first paragraph, for
example, you tell us (actually twice) that the suicide creates suspense, but you offer
no support. If you worked up to that, like you did in the example of Laura Brown, your
argument would be stronger.
 Finally, I found I could have used a more specific definition of what you meant by
“suspense” and “climax.” The words don’t just define themselves- what do you mean
when you say “Richard’s unhappiness and instability is another way C creates climax?”
You mean that’s how he builds up to his most important point? Or that’s how he
structures his story? Or that’s how he ties all of these stories and characters together?
I’m still not sure.