“Men Don’t Cry but Women Do”
Grieving Fathers and Escaping Mothers in Alice Sebold’s The Lovely Bones,
Anne Tyler’s The Accidental Tourist and Ian McEwan’s The Child in Time
Caroline Arvelin
ENG K01 Literary Seminar
Bachelor Degree Essay
Spring 2011
English Studies
The Centre for Languages and Literature
Lund University
Supervisor: Daniel Floyd
Contents
Introduction
1
Grieving Process: The Gender Gap
2
Reactions and Grieving in The Lovely Bones, The Accidental Tourist and The Child in Time 6
Analysis of Patterns Between Fathers Experiencing Grief in the Novels
11
Conclusion
16
Works Cited
19
Introduction
“Grief is an inescapable experience.” (Levang 11)
Alice Sebold, Anne Tyler and Ian McEwan have all written emotionally charged novels
depicting horrendous circumstances that most people would not even want to imagine,
namely, the loss of a child. Not only do the parents lose a child, they lose him or her
under tragic circumstances. In Alice Sebold’s novel The Lovely Bones (2002), a
daughter is brutally murdered and raped, and the loved ones left behind are frantically
searching for answers. In The Accidental Tourist (1992) by Anne Tyler, the author tells
the story of a couple who lose their son in a restaurant shooting, and reading the novel,
one cannot escape the tragic subject that it is based on. One is left wondering what the
appropriate reaction to a tragedy is, how a parent shows emotion, and if there is a
socially accepted reaction to a child’s death? The last novel, The Child in Time (1992),
written by Ian McEwan, introduces a parent desperately in search of answers to the
disappearance of a child, who vanishes in a few short seconds. Once again, readers are
pulled into a world where a parent seeks answers as to the how, why and where.
All three novels focus on the themes of loss and grief, but also on how to cope
after such a sudden and intense tragedy. The gap between the man and the woman
becomes apparent and it is also a subject which is explored in the works. The reader is
left with questions of how the parents cope with their loss and grief. Interestingly
though, the novels, two of which are written by female authors, mainly illustrate the
fathers of the children, and the readers are allowed to follow their journeys, as they try
to decide whether to live on or give up. Especially interesting in the works are thus the
reactions of the fathers. In these novels, their journeys are actually the focus, and Sebold,
Tyler and McEwan all paint pictures of men and fathers grieving and their struggle to
live on.
The aim of this essay is to explore the fathers who are the central characters in
the novels of concern to this study. The essay will comment on how the fathers manage
grief for themselves versus how they are seen, by other characters, from the outside.
Since the mothers do not figure very prominently in the novels, they will only be
mentioned to highlight the differences between the fathers and the mothers, as well as
the visible separation that takes place between them. The essay will begin with outlining
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different terms for grief and grieving patterns. Next, the three novels will be introduced,
followed by an analysis of the differences that exist between the fathers and the patterns
that emerge.
Grieving Process: The Gender Gap
Grieving is an individual experience that one has to go through at some stage in life.
However, how one is perceived by others while grieving differs enormously depending
on the person and situation. Tragedy has a way of both separating and bringing people
together. Many times when it comes to separation, the vast distinctions between coping
techniques become more apparent. As Levang points out one of the most palpable
differences is the one between the sexes (13). Often in a partnership, the couple has a
strong connection, built during the time they have been together. This bond allows for
an automatic support system and being each other’s rock (Levang 14). Nevertheless, it
can also pose problems of miscommunication, as every person has her own way of
coping when tragedy strikes.
During hard times, a lack of communication frequently occurs, as well as the
rejection of a partner’s grief, which in turn leads to a need for more adequate and open
communication. According to Levang, a woman who is in a relationship with a man
repeatedly identifies the man as cold, emotionless and unable to express his feelings
during grief. She suggests that it is as if some women tend to believe that men have no
language for sadness: “Women tend to perceive men as being void of emotion and loath
to verbalize their anguish. To women, men seem to have no feelings, no words” (14).
Nevertheless, what must be taken into account is that lacking a language, when it comes
to the expression of grief, does not necessarily have to mean that one is not grieving.
Men are equally in need of support, but at times, there is a clear gender gap.
Different patterns in the sexes become apparent when they are incapable of conveying
their need for support. Instead they come across as emotionless to their partner (Levang
14). This is something which can be seen in the novels, example given with Malcolm in
The Accidental Tourist. To his wife Sarah, he seems indifferent and she says: “…you’re
not so torn apart by his going” (Tyler 140). Cochran and Rabinowitz argue that “Unlike
men, women are afforded culturally sanctioned permission to express emotional pain
overtly” (51). This argument is one that Levang also brings up. She suggests that
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women have a tendency to display their emotions in an outward manner. They speak
about their mourning and want to discuss it with others. Men, in contrast, prefer to cope
with their grief silently and in private, something which can be seen in the fathers in the
novels and will be explored further on. This, in turn, creates miscommunication
between the sexes and in the relationships, as women assume that men lack emotions
and the ability to have feelings of love (Levang 15).
In addition, men can be equally surprised by the public display of feelings that
women tend to show during their grieving. They shy away from tears and emotional
outbursts, and reproach women for their open display of emotions (Levang 15). Further,
men are left wondering why their partners want to relive the tragedy over and over
again, when one can cope with it in silence. They do not want or need to be reminded of
what has happened. This then creates the separation between the partners, as they are
unable to help or understand each other. Levang further suggests that men can
oftentimes become frustrated and irate when they do not know how to solve the
problem, namely, the gap that exists between the man and the woman (14).
According to Levang, the language of grief differs between the genders: “Men
tend to think their way through grief; their intellect is their guide. Women seem to feel
their way through grief; emotion is their pilot” (15). In addition, is it not uncommon to
hear a man say that he does not know how to verbally express his emotions. This could
suggest that “men lack a universal language to convey their feelings … They feel
paralyzed” (Levang 15-16). This is a sharp contrast to women, who tend to get stuck in
their grief, and it takes over their lives. They envy the man, who seems to be able to
move on and occupy his time with more mundane tasks (Levang 16). At this point in a
relationship, a separation between the partners is usually unavoidable, and the grief has
taken over the bond that the man and the woman used to have. This separation is one
which occurs between the parents in the novels, albeit in different ways, which will be
discussed later on.
As Levang notes: “Grief has no claim on gender. Men do grieve” (17) but
many times, men cannot find the words or a way to express their grief. Women and
everyone around men must allow for the possibility, even more so the knowledge, that
men feel grief just as strongly as women do. Grief is simply inescapable, but sometimes,
there are no words for it. If a man chooses not to openly speak about his feelings of loss,
it does not mean that he does not feel the same things that the opposite sex does
(Levang 17).
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Men are frequently portrayed, and portray themselves, as strong, wanting to
show toughness and forego weakness. This, in turn, means that one might forget that
they need to grieve, too. A man’s grief seems to pale in comparison to a woman’s,
simply because they choose not to express it in the same way. They are stuck in the
middle, getting demands to be both masculine and tough. At the same time; they are
accused of being emotionless, hard and cold (Levang 18). Men do not appear to have an
accepted way of grieving without being judged in some way. This is a scenario that
appears in the novels, and which will be further exemplified in later sections.
Martin and Doka discuss the terms male and female, as well as male grieving
versus female grieving. Furthermore, they point out that one must keep in mind that
there is a distinction between the terms male and masculine, which sets them apart (5).
Stating that a certain way of coping, or reacting to grief, is typical masculine or male
behavior creates the problem of stereotypes (5). This relates to the term feminine as well,
and has put focus on the expression ‘conventional’. One can refer to a conventional
viewpoint to keep away from stereotyping (Martin and Doka 5).
In addition, men who express their emotions openly may feel frustrated and
discomfited, as expressing one’s emotions openly is typically described as a feminine
form of coping. This, Martin and Doka claim, could possibly result in men feeling
uncomfortable to the point where they choose not to express themselves. This is simply
due to the fear of being called feminine or less masculine (5). However, as Doka points
out: “gender influences patterns of grief, but gender does not determine patterns of
grief” (qtd. in Kellenbach 100). Therefore, avoiding gender terms and instead creating
terms for different grieving patterns has proved to be a far better solution (Martin and
Doka 5).
There is no right or wrong way to grieve, but more so, there are different types
of coping techniques and processes (Levang 13). To better understand how a person
copes with grief, different styles and patterns of grief have been identified and
categorized. Some of them have received specific labeling and they are mainly placed in
three different categories: the intuitive griever, the instrumental griever and the blended
griever (Martin and Doka 32). These terms will be applied to the fathers in the novels in
the sections following. The fathers in the works appear to be instrumental; however,
when one looks closer at the fathers’ thoughts and feelings, they can also see glimpses
of intuitive traits, consequently viewing them as blended grievers.
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Intuitive grievers are described as having the need to express his or her
emotions in times of bereavement and tragedy. Furthermore, they are familiar with
powerful feelings and are thus more inclined to wanting to deal with them. In contrast to
intuitive grievers, instrumental grievers are less used to strong feelings or expressing
them (Martin and Doka 32). A blended griever is a merged pattern where the different
strategies of the two aforementioned are quite balanced (Martin and Doka 32). Martin
and Doka observe, however, that the term ‘blended griever’ may cause issues when
trying to point out that patterns of grief are indeed different and they vary (32).
Primary adaptive strategies are ways in which intuitive and instrumental
grievers cope with their loss. They incorporate different techniques to communicate and
adjust to feelings of loss over a period of time during different circumstances (Martin
and Doka 32). Moreover, intuitive and instrumental grievers also use secondary
adaptive strategies, in addition to the primary, to further assist them in accomplishing
different tasks. The more strategies one has at hand, the better (Martin and Doka 32).
The fathers in the novels create routines and tasks to cope with their situations. These
tasks can be viewed as strategies.
One must also take into account that a griever does not have to be an intuitive,
instrumental or a blended griever. Simply, one can be more or less intuitive or
instrumental, rather than being labeled as one or the other. Martin and Doka point out
that “Neither strategy … is superior. They are just different and each deserves validation
and support” (qtd. in Kellenbach 100). Additionally, it is worth noting that one’s
upbringing, family and surroundings might all play a part in which patterns one uses
during bereavement (Martin and Doka 111).
Intuitive grievers are usually linked to women, although this does not mean
that men cannot be intuitive grievers (Martin and Doka 35). Therapy and professional
help is commonly linked to intuitive grievers, as well as their wish to receive validation
that the strong feelings they have are part of a normal reaction. This especially applies
to a man who is labeled as an intuitive griever “whose experiences and expressions run
counter to gender role expectations” (Martin and Doka 36). Instrumental grievers, in
turn, are typically labeled as being men (Martin and Doka 46). For them, there is a
difference between discussing different issues and talking about their emotions. They
try to avoid discussion of feelings completely. They do, however, express emotions but
this is typically not reflected by dialogue (Martin and Doka 46, 48).
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Reactions and Grieving in The Lovely Bones
The Lovely Bones by Alice Sebold presents a beautifully haunting story of a fourteenyear-old girl, Susie Salmon, who is murdered by her neighbor, Mr. Harvey. In a quite
unusual fashion, Susie herself narrates the story from Heaven. It is through her that the
readers get to follow the characters, as she watches her friends and family. Not only
does Susie observe what happens after her death, she can also feel what the people she
watches are thinking and feeling. Her depiction of the grief that she and her loved ones
experience is beautiful and heartbreaking. After it has been confirmed to her family that
she is dead, the biggest mystery for Susie’s family, as well as for the police, becomes
the question of where she is and who killed her.
One of the most interesting aspects of the novel is what can be called a gender
role reversal. Susie’s father, Jack, acts out emotionally and dedicates his time to finding
out what happened to his daughter. He sets out to find the truth that the police do not
seem to be able to discover, namely that Mr. Harvey is the killer. In contrast to this, one
sees glimpses of Susie’s mother, Abigail, who withdraws from the family and has an
affair with the detective in charge of the case. Eventually, she ends up leaving the
family after her and her husband stop communicating. Consequently, Susie offers the
reader occasional peeks into her mother’s whereabouts and thoughts, who, in
comparison to Susie’s father, attempts to run away from her personal tragedy. She
simply feels trapped and wants everyone around her to disappear (62).
One of the most heartfelt relationships is the one that Susie shares with her
father. The very introduction to the story begins with a scene between the two of them:
“Inside the snow globe on my father’s desk, there was a penguin …. The penguin was
alone in there, I thought, and I worried for him. When I told my father this, he said,
‘Don’t worry Susie; he has a nice life. He’s trapped in a perfect world’” (3). The fatherdaughter bond is strong. The fact that the author does not introduce many significant
memories related to Susie’s mother strengthens the conclusion that Susie was very close
to her father. This is also apparent between the remaining children and Jack, who, along
with Abigail’s mother Lynn, is left to take care of the family.
Jack Salmon’s reaction reflects an aspect of grief that could be compared to
retreating into oneself: “By the time my father turned back to the living room, he was
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too devastated to reach out to my mother sitting on the carpet or my sister’s hardened
form nearby. He could not let them see him” (29). Further, he completely removes
himself from the situation, as well as his family, by mounting the stairs and “Into the
deep ruff of fur surrounding the dog’s neck, my father would let himself cry” (29). Thus,
Jack’s initial reaction to realizing that his daughter is dead, is one of wanting to be alone,
not wanting to let his family see him as what he would probably consider weak and
fragile.
As time passes, Jack is what can be described as both an instrumental griever
and an intuitive griever: “Instrumental grievers value maintaining control over their
behaviors” while “Intuitive grievers want and need to discuss their feelings” (Martin
and Doka 46, 38). Jack creates a task, namely finding evidence against Mr. Harvey,
which he then focuses on. This task can be seen as a strategy for coping with his grief,
something which Martin and Doka discuss (32). He occupies his time with a mission
instead of fully dealing with his emotions and letting himself grieve. In this instance, his
mission is to find Susie’s killer and to find out the truth about what happened to her.
However, Jack’s anger, guilt and grief all explode eventually; as he destroys
glass bottles containing ships, which was a hobby that he and Susie shared. As a result,
his grief eventually boils over. Even during his mourning; he is forced to stand alone as
the sole parent when Abigail flees.
Reactions and Grieving in The Accidental Tourist
The Accidental Tourist by Anne Tyler portrays Macon, a man who can be
described as a very complex individual. He plans everything in his life from start to
finish, which typically frustrates those around him, and does not like to touch upon
subjects where feelings are involved. Macon’s organized life is put to the ultimate test
during a very tragic experience in his life. Macon’s twelve-year-old son Ethan is killed
in a shooting at a restaurant while on a school trip. The reader never finds out very
much about it, but one still comes to realize that Macon deeply misses his son, and
would do anything to have him back. Furthermore, his wife accuses him of being
emotionless due to the fact that Macon does not talk about it, nor does he ever appear to
grieve. However, he is grieving silently. This is not perceptible to those around him,
including his wife Sarah, who eventually asks for a divorce: “Macon, I know you loved
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him but I can’t help thinking you didn’t love him as much as I did, you’re not so torn
apart by his going” (140).
Tyler presents a character that the reader easily gets frustrated with when it
comes to Macon’s very monotone personality. However, the author seems also to have
chosen the traits of his persona carefully. Once one is introduced more deeply to his
thoughts, the realization that Macon simply does not know how to express and handle
his emotions, becomes apparent: “’Oh, communicate,’ he said. (His least favorite
word)” (135). He is used to adapting to his surroundings instead, while also being very
controlling in situations. One quickly learns that his biggest fear is to lose the sense of
being in control of every aspect of his life, as well as his wife’s, planning everything
ahead.
The characteristic of an instrumental griever seems to fit Macon very well. He
is not comfortable when it comes to discussing feelings or displaying emotions. On the
other hand, the alert reader quickly sees signs of Macon’s feelings of devastation and
hopelessness following the loss of his son. Thoughts of Ethan frequently occupy his
mind and Macon repeatedly dreams of his son, waking up missing him. This suggests
that Macon does grieve, but he lacks a language for it. Therefore, whether he even
realizes it or not, Macon is in his own way, grieving, albeit silently. Doka’s claim that
circumstances do occur where “a person experiences a sense of loss but does not have a
socially recognized right, role, or capacity to grieve” (Kamerman par.1), might be one
plausible explanation when it comes to Macon’s family. Macon’s family seems to be
quite controlling too in their own way, which thus suggests that it is a trait that runs in
the family. Macon’s niece mentions to him one day that none of the family members
really talk about or mention Ethan to him, because they are afraid to do so, but that they
all miss him terribly. This is one of the few occasions where Macon outwardly mentions
Ethan and says that “You can talk about him” (181), “Nobody talks about him … None
of you mentions his name” (182). This is yet another example of Macon’s need to talk
about Ethan.
Furthermore, Macon’s relationship with a woman named Muriel is somewhat
unconventional. She is the polar opposite of him and they meet when Macon is about to
leave for a trip and she offers to take care of his dog. Muriel expresses an interest early
on to get to know Macon, which he is at first very reluctant to. Later on, as their
relationship develops, Macon blurts out the truth about his son’s death, which again, is
the very first time he tells anyone about it. Muriel seems to be one of the few who
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actually gets him to open up. With her, he drops his safely protected routine, which he is
afraid to break free from. Others around Macon avoid mentioning Ethan’s death and as
Kamm and Vandenberg argue: “a child’s death is so unthinkable and avoidance by
others to confront such a loss is great …” (570). However, Muriel appears to be the only
person who allows Macon to both talk and think about Ethan. Macon might not even
have realized his need to talk about his son but after opening up to Muriel, he says: “It
felt good to say his name out loud” (227). She listens to him and comforts him instead
of avoiding the subject like his family does. Here again, one realizes just how much
Macon misses Ethan, but is never able to bring himself to talk about him.
Macon’s somewhat peculiar personality is quickly challenged as he spends
time with Muriel. He suppresses the memory of Ethan and tries to rationalize and adjust
to every situation. He does not quite know how to react to Muriel’s very colorful traits.
However, readers may conclude that her different personality is most likely what Macon
has needed all along to break out of his controlled shell. He has never been told that it is
allowed to show emotion without losing control. A display of emotions might actually
release one from a personal prison.
As one reads further into the story, Tyler reveals more of Macon’s personality
for the readers to see and understand. He is used to adjusting to things, no matter how
difficult, and it is a protection mechanism of sorts. Macon recalls an incident when
Ethan was very little and he had run into the street and a truck had come barreling down
towards him:
In one split second he adjusted to a future that held no Ethan … But
he remembered forever after how quickly he had adjusted. He
wondered, sometimes, if that first adjustment had somehow stuck,
making what happened to Ethan later less of a shock than it might
have been. But if people didn’t adjust, how could they bear to go on?
(141)
The word adjusting is the key to Macon’s character and this is also what drives him
away from his wife. Adjusting to a difficult situation takes time. However, it is
undoubtedly possible for each individual to react in different ways. Tyler has, as a result,
created a character that possesses the qualities of an instrumental griever, occupying his
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time with different tasks to “bear to go on” (141). Further, no one seems to understand
why Macon is so insistent on keeping his dog that is aggressive and bites everyone.
Readers quickly learn though that this is simply because “he’d been Ethan’s” (91) and is
thus a piece of his son that he must keep.
Reactions and Grieving in The Child in Time
In The Child in Time Ian McEwan has presented an extremely haunting story that
unquestionably leaves an impact on the reader. It is most likely one of the most
heartbreaking situations a person would have to endure. Stephen and Julie Lewis’ threeyear-old daughter Kate mysteriously disappears during a normal Saturday shopping trip
in a grocery store. In the blink of an eye, their lives change, and in the process, they
change as well. The one thing that remains the same, however, is the movement of time.
Time keeps on going, almost in a cruel manner, even if Kate is no longer with them,
other than in their memories, and the parents must somehow try to move on.
Stephen Lewis is an author of children’s books and thus the novel revolves
around the subject of children and upbringing quite thoroughly. Stephen has had a very
happy life with his wife and child up until the disappearance of Kate. The novel
portrays a situation that shatters every aspect of their life in a matter of seconds. It is
something which no one can predict nor prepare for, and this is the case with Stephen
and Julie, who end up drifting apart in their private mourning.
One of the most difficult tasks for the reader is to take part of, and grasp,
Stephen’s sense of hopelessness and despair. It is inevitable not to at least attempt to put
oneself in his shoes, as he continues the desperate search for his daughter. Just like Jack
Salmon in The Lovely Bones, Stephen is both an instrumental and intuitive griever,
sinking deeply into a sort of depression, while also continuing to seek his beloved little
girl. He does not have a real outlet for his emotions other than to keep on trying to find
her. Stephen faces something that he has not been prepared to cope with. He drifts
further and further away from his wife, who seems to completely shut herself off. She
prefers to mourn quietly to herself instead of attempting any kind of communication
with her husband: “The lost child was between them again. The daughter they did not
have was waiting for them outside. Stephen knew he would be leaving soon” (69). Kate
appears between them no matter what situation they are in and “They were losing their
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voices, they were dismayed” (69). They are helpless in front of a tragedy no one can
predict. “They had exposed themselves too easily, too quickly, they had shown
themselves to be vulnerable” (69). Vulnerability is indeed a recurring pattern in all of
the novels. Being stripped down and, in a sense, naked, in front of others, is a fear that
haunts most of the characters. In the end, Julie moves out to be on her own.
Additionally, Stephen feels an immeasurable guilt for being the parent who
was with Kate when she disappeared, a guilt that would without doubt haunt every
person. He also appears to see signs of Kate in other children, going as far as to claim
that a child he sees outside is his vanished daughter: “What was most strikingly new
was a brown mole high on her right cheekbone” (162). Even with the headmaster’s
insistent assurance that he himself has known both the child and the parents since the
girl was born, Stephen cannot make himself come to terms with what is in front of him.
Stephen seems to be more of an instrumental griever and wants to maintain control over
his emotions. However, as time passes, it becomes increasingly more difficult and
results in incidents such as the one mentioned above. This could indicate that Stephen
needs to talk about his feelings, as an intuitive griever, but he does not know how.
To allow one to fully grieve can for some be an admission of acceptance that
someone one holds dear is gone. This admission might seem final and as if one is giving
in and giving up. This is a recurring sign in Stephen, who continues to buy gifts for Kate
on her birthdays, even if he knows that she will never receive them. He daydreams and
starts the age old guessing game of ‘what ifs’ and ‘if I had only done this’. It is a never
ending cycle that continues to deteriorate his mind and spirit, driving everyone away. In
the end, Stephen must face an incredibly cruel conclusion that one sometimes faces in
life, namely that there are instances where questions are left unanswered.
Analysis of Patterns between Fathers Experiencing Grief in the Novels
The depictions of Jack, Macon and Stephen, the bereaved fathers in the works of
concern in this study, have both similarities and differences. Their reactions to the loss
of their children, and how they cope and move on, occur with various patterns. However,
what one must remember is that the language of grief is vast and sometimes one cannot
express it. Grief often overwhelms us and there is no appropriate or right reaction. As
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Levang points out, there does seem to be a lack of an outward language of grief for most
men, something which becomes fairly evident in the novels (15).
Jack in The Lovely Bones shows signs of denial when it comes to the death of
his daughter. He keeps repeating: “Nothing is ever certain” (20) and tries to rationalize
every piece of evidence, which points to his daughter’s murder. Macon in The
Accidental Tourist, in turn, frustrates his wife, Sarah, who deems him to be emotionless
and tells him that “You just go on your same old way like before. Your little routines
and rituals, depressing habits, day after day. No comfort at all” (4). When it comes to
Stephen in The Child in Time, he is certain that his daughter will be found; he is simply
waiting for it to happen. As time passes and his sorrow deepens, he starts drinking, and
the separation between him and Julie becomes bigger. Stephen “was angry with Julie,
disgusted by what he took to be a feminine self-destructiveness, a willful defeatism” (20,
my italics). Already here, one can see how the woman and the man view each other’s
grieving, considering it indifferent, defeated or feminine. The gap continues to grow
between them.
Once again, as Levang points out, men tend to think their way through grief,
while women feel it (15). In the novels, this would translate into the fathers’ internal
and silent grief, which is expressed by anger, and needing a task to fulfill. Cochran and
Rabinowitz state that “Believing that they have more control than they actually do,
many men find that when life events do not go their way, they are good at compensating
behaviorally but poorly equipped emotionally to absorb the blow” (57). A routine or
goal of some sort is thus not uncommon when one needs to repress something that is on
one’s mind. This is true with both Jack and Stephen, who become obsessed with finding
out what happened to their daughters. Similarly, Macon focuses on work to maintain a
routine. Susie describes her father’s need for a routine in the following way: “then only
movement could save him, and he moved and he moved and he moved, no movement
being enough to make up for it. The guilt on him, the hand of God pressing down on
him, saying, You were not there when your daughter needed you” (58). The movement
and the activity of a person’s mind is the only escape from the grief and constant guilt
that all three fathers feel. This is a strategy, which Martin and Doka discuss, to be able
to cope with grief (32).
However, just as Sarah accuses Macon of being indifferent and emotionless, in
a way, all three men are just that inside, but not because they do not feel or care. In
reality, this is due to the grief being overwhelming and they all experience the feeling of
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being “strangely empty. Drained …” (Sebold 62), while Macon feels dislocated (Tyler
35). Stephen feels as if “the situation had deteriorated to such an extent that he felt no
particular emotion” (McEwan 22). Stephen “anaesthetised himself with activity” (20)
while Macon continues his endless need for control and keeping a system in place. This
is their escape, their strategy…
All three men appear to have the traits of an instrumental griever as they prefer
not to discuss their feelings openly. However, they also have characteristics of being a
blended griever. Without even realizing it, what they most likely need, is for someone to
listen to them. They also require understanding from the people around them, without
expectations or demands to act a certain way. Without support from others, and the
validation that they are allowed to grieve openly, they remain silent. They become
depressed as well as lonely in their grief. This then leads to the need to finally be able to
express their frustration and grief. Eventually, a boiling point occurs. Jack’s arises
during his breakdown in his office (Sebold 46), Macon’s as he finally tells Muriel why
he has a fear of growing close to her, not wanting to talk about Ethan’s death. He tells
her:
“Every day I tell myself it’s time to be getting over this,” he said into
the space above her head. “I know that people expect it of me. They
used to offer their sympathy but now they don’t; they don’t even
mention his name. They think it’s time my life moved on. But if
anything, I’m getting worse.” (198)
This is the first time Macon truly voices the extent of his suffering out loud.
The picture of a perfect man who is strong and coping well finally crumbles in front of
another person and Macon finally lets go. Likewise Stephen’s obsessive search for Kate
reaches a point of pure exhaustion. Until then, he has not let himself truly break down,
occupying his mind with work, searching for Kate and drinking. All of his emotions
eventually build up to one defining moment, a realization:
All the while, it seemed, there was something gathering in the silence
about him, a slow surge of realisation mounting with a sleek, tidal
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force which did not break or explode dramatically but which bore him
in the small hours to the first full flood of understanding of the true
nature of his loss. Everything before had been fantasy, a routine and
frenetic mimicry of sorrow. Just before dawn he began to cry, and it
was from this moment in the semi-darkness that he was to date his
time of mourning. (23)
All three marriages continue to crumble more and more as time goes on. As
Levang states, the lack of communication brings forth the miscommunications until
there is nothing left (14). Initially, there exists a bond between the husband and the wife,
but when faced with tragedy, they are thrown into something completely new and
unknown. Jack and Abigail start drifting apart rather quickly. Jack does not know how
to approach his wife: “Before, they had never found themselves broken together.
Usually, it was one needing the other but not both needing each other, and so there had
been a way, by touching, to borrow from the stronger one’s strength” (20-21). Further,
Abigail begins to pull back from her family completely, even wishing that her children,
who were still alive, would disappear for a while. As a result, Jack is left to spend time
with the remaining children, taking care of them, and even teaching his other daughter
how to shave.
Likewise, a similar separation takes place in Macon and Sarah’s relationship,
where Sarah grows tired of what she thinks is Macon’s indifference. Levang brings up
the fact that many times, one’s partner completely fails to recognize the pain their other
half is going through (14). Even as Macon voices: “Shouldn’t I need comfort too?” (4),
Sarah fails to see what lies inside, and only sees the carefully planned system that
Macon has built his every day life on. Furthermore, she does not even seem to consider
that Macon might be hiding behind said system, not knowing how to voice his feelings.
For the reader it is apparent that he misses and mourns his son deeply, dreaming of
Ethan and waking up only to think that “He understood why people said hearts ‘sank’”
(42). Macon keeps telling everyone that he is fine (44), believing that this is the best
solution in order to keep up a perfect façade. After Sarah leaves him, he is left to take
care of their house and Ethan’s dog alone in his sorrow. In a similar manner, Stephen
and Julie in The Child in Time drift apart, and Julie ends up leaving her family.
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The subject of a male point of view and a female point of view during grief is
touched upon in the novels. Abigail in The Lovely Bones wants peace and quiet. She
never asks, or really even considers, what her husband is going through. He is viewed as
the father who has gone crazy due to the loss he has experienced, but in reality, Jack is
never fully heard. The death of Susie has devastated him to the core, and even though he
believes he can feel her presence, he continues falling apart, eventually breaking down.
Similarly, Macon grieves in silence but “Losing his cool. Sometimes, he was
almost angry with Sarah. He felt he’d been backed into a false position. He was forced
to present this impassive front if he wanted her to love him. Oh, so much was expected
of men!” (49-50). This suggests that the persona Macon displays has gradually been
built over the years. Further, it also shows that Macon is very much capable of feeling
emotions. However, he appears to believe that he must be the man and allow for the
woman to grieve openly, while the man mourns in silence. This pattern is clear in all
three novels, where all three fathers occupy their time with a system, a routine or a task
in order to cope. They all feel anger towards their other half, but they never express this
anger outwardly. They do not have the words or the language. At times, they might try
to express it, but find themselves opting for the separation, and choosing to cope alone.
This is simply easier to do instead of delving into a painful discussion of a grief, which
is overwhelming.
Stephen believes Julie’s sense of defeat, and giving up the search for Kate, is a
feminine trait, while at the same time “He suspected – and it turned out later he was
correct – that she took his efforts to be a typically masculine evasion, an attempt to
mask feelings behind displays of competence and organization and physical effort. The
loss had driven them to the extremes of their personalities” (21, my italics). Here the
difference and traits of an intuitive and instrumental griever are clear from the male and
female’s point of view. The male partner views the woman as someone who is selfdestructive and simply gives up. In contrast, the male is seen as a typical man who, in
order to remain masculine, shows little to no emotions, and instead occupies himself
with different tasks and goals. Consequently, the gap between the man and the woman
has taken its toll on the relationship and they separate. The patterns of grief are apparent,
and as Levang discusses, the sexes do not seem to understand each other or how they
choose to cope with their loss. Evidently, stereotyping between men and women also
exists in relationships, and the strategies for how to move on in life, are vastly different.
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However, as these novels show, all three women choose to leave their partner and in
this way, they escape the relationship while the man is the one left behind.
The outside world expects Jack, Macon and Stephen to move on. All three men
go through the motions of every day life, working, taking care of mundane tasks and
simply put, living. Here, the traits of an instrumental griever can be applied to all three.
However, none of them feel truly alive. Jack is “powerless” (28), not knowing how to
move forward, while Macon thinks he has “been making up fairy tales” (41). Stephen,
who cannot stop himself from buying gifts for Kate, tells himself: “it would be irrational,
indulgent, self-destructive; and weak, above all, weak. It was the weak who failed to
maintain the line between the world as it was and the world as they wanted it to be.
Don’t be weak, he told himself, try to survive” (136).
All three men eventually try, in a quite successful manner, to move on with
their lives, while at the same time remembering their children. Jack, who suffers a heart
attack many years later, reunites with Abigail, bringing the story full circle. It is after
this reunion that Susie lets go of life on earth, realizing that after grief, healing is
possible and she wishes them all “a long and happy life” (328). Even though Macon and
Sarah try to build up a relationship once again, Macon comes to see that with Muriel, he
can truly be the person that people around him fail to see that he is. Muriel does not give
up on him and Macon comes to a sort of epiphany about Ethan, and the passing of time:
“The real adventure … is the flow of time; it’s as much adventure as anyone could wish.
And if he pictured Ethan still part of that flow – in some other place, however
unreachable – he believed the might be able to bear it after all” (352). Lastly, Stephen
overcomes his anger and Julie and Stephen come together again through the birth of
their second miracle child. Though they are still grieving, they realize that one has to
move on, before sorrow completely swallows a person up. Time can be the cruelest
factor but it can also be the main cause that will bring closure and healing and it is that
which Julie voices and what both she and Stephen have come to realize: “I had to go on
loving her, but I had to stop desiring her. For that I needed time” (238).
Conclusion
Sebold, Tyler and McEwan have all written beautiful stories with a complex
theme. Not only is grief complex, it can at times be endless, and a factor which will
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eventually lead to a separation between people. In these novels, the separation is in the
form of an actual division between the father and the mother, where communication is
lost. This is instead substituted with anger, silence and finally, escaping mothers. The
novels all depict the process one goes through when losing a child. The parent is left to
question whether life is worth living and the value of everything around them. In these
works, the focused parent is the father. The reader sees his journey of healing and
surviving, both from the inside and how people regard the father from the outside. What
the novels all reflect is that fathers mourn as well, but that they do not always know
how to express their emotions. Furthermore, the works suggest that fathers, as men, are
not always allowed to show emotion, because they have to remain strong, yet they are
reproached if they stay silent.
While all three novels portray different journeys, there still exist the same
patterns between genders. More specifically, a gender gap is quite visible early on,
where the man does not understand the woman, or how to comfort her. At times, they
do not even want to, and instead feel anger at and disappointment with her. In contrast,
the female characters perceive the men as emotionless and cold; seemingly unable to
display emotions of grief. Instead, the men occupy themselves with tasks and a goal to
avoid, what they later realize, is the inescapable feeling of sorrow.
There is no right or wrong way to grieve. One cannot say that a specific
reaction to grief is an appropriate one. The miscommunications between people,
between fathers and mothers, stem from misunderstanding each other. The mothers
might fail to realize that the fathers are grieving too, as with Sarah and Macon, but
simply do not know how to express it. Oftentimes, men have been programmed to
display a hard and tough exterior, and women, without knowing it, have contributed to
this image. It is as Macon said that so much is expected of men that they get lost in the
pressure and do not know how to act. More importantly, as Macon points out, men need
comfort too (Tyler 4), and they need someone to recognize it, and tell them that it is
allowed to show and feel sorrow.
The parents in these novels all endure tragedy in their lives. Yet, the gender
gap is still present throughout. Perhaps men and women will never completely
understand each other, but one must remember, that one sex is not less capable of
feeling strong emotions compared to the other. There is simply a lack of a language to
express emotions. With time, a language can be born, and with it, perhaps also the art of
communication. The fathers in these novels need understanding from the people around
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them, but instead, their grief is forgotten. It seems as if they are expected not to feel
anything, yet they are criticized if they do not show emotions. Furthermore, Jack,
Macon and Stephen all need to come to different realizations before they are able to
display emotion in front of others. This is something that in turn has to be accepted by
others as well. It is as if the battle of avoiding stereotypes must be won.
Time is the common denominator between every person and every situation.
When feelings of despair arise, it often feels as if time stands still and the pain is
overwhelming. However, time continues ticking but once one gives grief time, pain
gradually diminishes. The most important thing though is to realize that one is never
alone in their mourning. In order to bear the sorrow, a support system and
understanding are crucial. As Stephen tells Julie: “I’m here with you” (243).
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Works Cited
Primary Sources
McEwan, Ian. The Child in Time. Vintage Books: London, 1992.
Sebold, Alice. The Lovely Bones. Little, Brown and Company: New York, 2002.
Tyler, Anne. The Accidental Tourist. Vintage Books: London, 1992.
Secondary Sources
Cochran, Sam V., and Frederic E Rabinowitz. Men and Depression: Clinical and
Empirical Perspectives. Academic Press: San Diego, 2000.
Doka, Kenneth J., and Terry L. Martin. Men Don't Cry…Women Do: Transcending
Gender Stereotypes of Grief. Taylor & Francis: Philadelphia, 2000.
Kamerman, Jack. ‘Disenfranchised Grief: Recognizing Hidden Sorrow.’ Contemporary
Sociology: An International Journal of Reviews 20.1 (1991): 136-137. Web.
Kamm, Sherrie, and Brian Vandenberg. ‘Grief Communication, Grief Reactions and
Marital Satisfaction in Bereaved Parents.’ Death Studies 25.7 (2001): 569-582. Web.
von Kellenbach, Katharina. Rev. of Grieving Beyond Gender: Understanding the Ways
Men and Women Mourn, by Kenneth J. Doka, Terry L. Martin. Journal of Men,
Masculinities and Spirituality 4.2 (2010): 100-102. Web.
Levang, Elizabeth. When Men Grieve: Why Men Grieve Differently and How You Can
Help. Fairview Press: Minneapolis, 1998.
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