Vanessa Thompson
Term Paper
Wed 7–9:50
The book “Finding Fish” by Antwone Fisher was a powerful and moving memoir.
It was heartbreaking, inspiring and at some points very hard to read. It correlated in
many ways with what we have been learning this semester in Human Development. It
was interesting to hear personal accounts and inside thoughts and opinions of someone
who endured the negative effects of abuse, racism, and social class throughout his life.
The most prevalent issue Antwone and his siblings faced, I believe, was abuse.
Children who are abused suffer if they think their parents do not love them because they
do not treat them according to their community’s standards. This causes a child to suffer
physiologically, academically, and socially. (Berger, 2010, p.192; Manly et al., 2001;
Scannapeico & Connell-Carrick, 2005) I believe Antwone had experiences with this and
demonstrated impacts of abuse throughout many instances in his life.
It was apparent that Antwone, Dwight and Flo, were not welcomed into the
Pickett home when Mizz Pickett gave them the derogatory title “niggas”. She neglected
them by withholding affection and showing them no degree of encouragement or love.
Also, she was physically abusive, whipping her children and then tying them up in the
basement for “the better part of days.” (Fisher, 2001, p.64)
Mizz Pickett was also extremely verbally abusive. At nights she would retreat to
the phone, telling anyone who would listen what horrible and evil children she had been
given. All her remarks were in ears length of Antwone and it began to make him doubt
himself. At one point, Antwone heard Mizz Pickett expressing her opinions of her
children saying they, “were such bad young’uns, we’d tear up the Devil.” (Fisher, 2001,
p.75) This weighed heavily on Antwone, giving him the understanding that he was worse
than anyone on Earth, in Heaven or in Hell.
It seems unfair that innocent children are born into the world under the same
circumstances as Antwone and, in many cases, I believe, without a real chance at life. I
think Antwone depicts this quite well when he says that he wasn’t “invited” into the
world. I believe that would be a hard reality to grasp, creating a feeling of not being
worthy of anyone’s love. I believe this alone played a big part in Antwone’s lack of selfesteem. I feel he had no sense of belonging in the world and it was difficult for him to
find his own identity. Antwone saw himself as small and vulnerable. I believe the way
Mizz Pickett treated Antwone attributed to this. I think she gave him the belief that “the
self is fundamentally flawed” because she failed to “encourage and confirm” his selfesteem by being “routinely critical” of him. (Berger, 2010, p.198; Reese et al., 2007;
Harter, 2006, p.529)
Antwone also faced sexual abuse from Willenda, a neighbor who helped out
regularly at the Picketts. He was sexually abused for several years from about the age of
three until eight. I found it heart breaking to realize that Antwone never told anyone
about the abuse, due to his feelings of extreme guilt. According to Erikson it is a mature
feeling to feel guilt instead of shame. He says guilt is self-blame that a person
experiences when they have done wrong; shame is when a person feels someone else
blames, disapproves or is disappointed in them. (Berger, 2010, p.199; Kochanska et al.,
2002; Tangney et al., 2007) This affirms the fact that Antwone took responsibility for his
abuse. The results of his sexual encounters with Willenda caused him to be unable to
have any romantic or physical relationships in his younger years, because the only human
touch he had experienced had hurt. Effects of this were evident throughout his life with
the encounters he had with people of the opposite sex. He described this when he talked
about a girl in the neighborhood he liked, saying, “Anything physical with Freda, even
holding hands, was out of the question.” (Fisher, 2001, p.168)
Antwone’s abuse also led to negative experiences in his academics. For example,
he began ditching school on a regular basis. He writes, “Feeling scorned, without friends,
and no longer able to daydream, I lost all interest in school. Being there made me feel so
uncomfortable, I decided not to go.” (Fisher, 2001, p.75-76) Antwone’s social worker,
Mrs. Hogart, said Antwone possessed, “above-average intellectual abilities” but was, “not
working up to his potential.” (Fisher, 2001, p.82) She attributed this to Antwone
suppressing feelings of anger and fear; feelings that I believe were a result of Antwone’s
constant abuse.
Antwone grew up in a neighborhood where the majority of people were black. I
think because of this he was oblivious to racism for the earlier parts of his life. I believe
Antwone began to feel its first negative effects when his new foster brother, Keith,
arrived. Before Keith, Antwone believed that, “everyone was black – except for the
white people on television and the ones at the hospital and the welfare office.” But
Keith’s father was white and he, “now represented something in between.” He also
received special treatment from the Pickett’s and this gave Antwone the impression that,
“being lighter-skinned made him [Keith] better.” Mizz Picketts biological daughter,
Lizzie, also started to call Antwone names like “Chocolate”. This caused him to feel as
though, “being as dark as chocolate was the worst disgrace, something I couldn’t do
anything to change.” This is when Antwone began to hate his dark skin. (Fisher, 2001,
p.70) I think it is interesting that Antwone received his first taste of racism in his home.
This shows that Mizz Pickett was using her children’s race as another form of abuse,
belittling them in every aspect possible.
Antwone also was being segregated at school when he was not allowed to clap the
erasers. That was a job that belonged solely to the white children.
Mr. and Mizz Pickett also faced oppression. One instance was when a white
woman offered Antwone and Mr. Pickett a drink while they were doing yard work in the
suburbs. Antwone recalls, “Mr. Pickett kept his head down and his eyes lowered…that
subservient pose of his was in such contrast to the powerful man I knew...” (Fisher,
2001, p.118) It was hard for Antwone to see Mr. Pickett’s shame, and he took it as his
own.
A positive experience for Antwone was when he reached 4th grade and had the
privilege of having Mrs. Profit for his teacher. He was drawn to her because he believed
that she was fair. He describes her saying, “She treats everyone as special, me included.
She gives each of us the same chance to do well and to do those special jobs, like
clapping the erasers.” He also expresses that she was fair with discipline and with
encouragement. (Fisher, 2001, p.123) I believe this is what helped give Antwone a better
self-image and boosted his self-esteem. He began to have the desire to do better in
school and for once in his life was being praised with positive re-enforcements. Mr. and
Mrs. Profit were also the first people to model true affection toward one another.
Antwone says, “Milton [Mr. Profit] is the first husband I have seen being romantic and
loving toward his wife. Theirs is a picture of domestic caring I will hold in my vision for
years to come.” (Fisher, 2001, p.125)
It is amazing to me the abuse and neglect Antwone endured while still remaining,
I believe, a decent and somewhat normal person. Although he did struggle with
depression and physical inactivity, he was able to avoid abusing substances such as
alcohol, cigarettes and drugs. He was never sexually promiscuous and never fathered an
illegitimate child.
I think everyone reacts to the circumstances of their life in different ways. I think
Antwone says this beautifully when he states, “Every person has his or her own level of
pain tolerance. You can put a little weight on someone and crush him; you can put a lot
of weight on someone else and not crush him.”
Antwone always felt that Dwight had the potential to be a man of prominence and
“someone who had an impact on society.” But he believed the lack of love Dwight
received in his life, stunted him from becoming the person he could be. (Fisher, 2001,
p.160) Although Antwone had many similar experiences to Dwight’s, he was able to find
outlets in music and cope with some of his hardships through daydreams and visions of a
better life to come.
Antwone did not leave his young-adult life unscarred. He had a lot of coping to go
through, most of which he was unaware. Antwone’s experience in the United States
Navy proved to be very effective therapy. He learned life skills, gained self-confidence
and grew emotionally and mentally. Also, for the first time in his life he was able to feel
connected to something. He expressed feelings of equality he felt in the navy saying,
“That was what the navy did for me from the start. It made me belong, it made me feel
that I was the same as everyone else.” (Fisher, 2001, p.269)
I believe Antwone was delayed in many aspects of his life. One example being he
did not show real signs of depression or suicidal thoughts until he was in the navy. He
tells of this saying, “During my first two years, while I was growing at a rapid pace, I was
also shedding an old skin that came from a buildup of anger that I had never dealt with.”
(Fisher, 2001, p.279)
The navy was also the place where Antwone found his passion and talent for
writing and where he experienced his first encounter with love and true affection.
I believe Antwone will always struggle with the effects that abuse had on him, but
I believe his healing process in the navy allowed him to become the person he saw in his
daydreams. I am thankful for the knowledge we have of human psychology; opening a
window into the human mind and creating a better understanding of the wonders and
mysteries of life.
References:
Berger, K. (2010). Invitation to the Life Span. New York, NY: Worth Publishers
Fisher, A. (2001). Finding Fish: a memoir. New York, NY: Perennial