Impact of High-Conflict Divorce on Children
Neil S. Grossman, Ph.D.
There continues to be much concern about the affect divorce has on children.
The research in this area originally indicated that children whose parents
divorced had more problems. With additional studies we now have a clearer
picture about the impact of divorce on children. This research indicates:
1. Divorce creates stress in families. The ending of a marital relationship is
stressful for couples and children. Stress occurs whether or not couples
divorce through divorce mediation, collaborative divorce or through
litigation. The impact of the stress on children is usually temporary and is
caused by a reduction of parenting capacity and the dislocation or
economic instability that goes along with divorce.
2. The negative effect of divorce on children is largely due to the conflict
between the parents and appears to be transmitted by a poor relationship
between the parents and children. Stress, insecurity and agitation are
found in these children as a result of chronic conflict. The negative effect
is greater when the conflict is open and attacking and the children are
caught in the middle.
3. Parental emotional stability, warmth and consistency are important
factors that are related to children having a better adjustment to divorce.
This is most important in the primary custodial parent.
4. On the whole children adjust better to the divorce when both parents are
actively involved with them.
5. The remarriage of a parent increases children’s stress when it triggers
parental conflict.
While divorce causes stress which has an adverse affect on couples and
children the most important negative factor is high parental conflict. This
variable is not limited to families in which a divorce occurs. Children living
in any household with parents who are in high conflict are adversely
affected. Furthermore, research is indicating that children whose parents
divorce do better than children whose parents are in chronic conflict and do
not divorce.
Studying families with high parental conflict we find that the conflict usually
begins before the divorce, and continues during and after the divorce. The
parental conflict typically heightens just before the divorce and during the
divorce. The conflict usually lessens (dissipates) in the years following a
divorce. One or two years are average in a high-conflict divorce but in some
cases the animosity between the parents can last for years. The post-divorce
conflict is often overlooked unless parents continue to re-litigate.
While we know that the high conflict of parents in a divorce results in a
negative impact on children, to understand this impact on any individual
child we need to consider several other variables:
 Age of the child, meaning of the divorce for the child and the child’s
circumstances - other things being equal, a 6 year old child is likely to
be impacted differently by a divorce than a 14 year old child. In one
case, the 6 year old child may be more dependent on the parents and
feel a greater loss then the 14 year old child. In another case the
opposite may be true. The 6 year old child may have an easier time
while the 14 year old child might feel a greater loss since established
attachment to peers and community may be disrupted by the divorce.
 Developmental level of the child – a 15 year old child may function at
a 12 year old developmental level. In looking at the child’s behavior
we must consider the developmental level to understand what is
expected for this child and whether the child’s behavior is deviating
from the norm.
 Psychological adjustment of the child - children with a better predivorce adjustment will be more resilient during a divorce.
 Relationship of child to each parent – a child who was closest to one
parent but now lives with the other parent may have a harder time
 Psychological adjustment of the parents (including narcissism, anger
and psychological developmental level/primitivism) - children whose
parents have poorer psychological adjustment will probably have a
harder time because the parents will not be as capable of “good
parenting”.
 The family system - our understanding of family systems tells us that
children may play a role in the conflict of the parents. For example,
for years before a divorce a child may be aligned, over-involved or in
conflict with one parent. The other parent may try to rescue the child
or compensate for the perceived threat from the first parent. A conflict
between the parents ensues with the child being allied with one parent
and in conflict with the other parent. The family system’s view
suggests that the interaction of all the members creates this dynamic
not just the actions of one parent.
 Presence of family violence may increase the negative impact of high
conflict on children – this is an important variable but there is a need
to differentiate the type and level of violence, e.g., Common Intimate
Partner Violence as compared to Battered Woman Syndrome. The
incidence of Common Intimate Partner Violence is frequent at the
time of separation/divorce and is not equivalent to an ongoing
battering relationship.
With knowledge of the research in this area we can identify stressors and
protective factors regarding the impact of a high-conflict divorce on children
and create interventions that are designed to reduce stressors and enhance
protective factors.
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